Much to the consternation of their fiery Latino fan-base, the Dallas Cowboys have seen disparate results in their four games this season. Before practice yesterday, quarterback Tony Romo admitted that what many see as a dream job can be vexing at times:
Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.
Okay, so the yarmulke cat was pretty funny. Still, I’d rather see Tony Romo appear on Between Two Ferns. Only then would his awkwardness be able to flourish into something truly hilarious. Just like it does in the playoffs.
Funny Or Die via Deadspin
Jessica Simpson is hanging out down in Mexico with her girls (but where’s Tony, could they be on the outs? OMGOMGOMG!) and, of course, the dedicated paparazzi. Unfortunately her nosy friends had to step in and thwart our hero’s dedicated effort, but not before they snapped some prime shots of her ass.
Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas
Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!
[cellphone rings]
Tony: Fuck.
Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?
Tony: It’s Jess
[cellphone rings]
Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.
Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.
Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Jess: [chews]
Tony: Hello?
Jess: [burps]
Tony: Jess?!
Jess: [chews while burping]
Tony: JESSICA!
Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?
Tony: Jess?
Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!
Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?
Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!
Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.
Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?
Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.
Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!
Tony: How’s that?
Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.
Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?
Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.
Tony: Oh God.
Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]
Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?
Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!
Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?
Jess: Of course!
Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.
Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.
Tony: Jess?
Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.
[hangs up]
Tony: But I’m your soulmate!
Justin: Dude, you’re gay.
Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.
Int. University of Phoenix Online Stadium
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got RomOMYGODIJUSTBROKEMYFUCKINGPINKYFINGER!
Jess: Uh…wrong number.
Ext. Cowboys Practice Facility
Tony: …I’ve never even been to Mount Vesuvius!
[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Terrell: This isn’t working.
Tony: Hello? What isn’t working? Who is this?
Int. Romo’s apartment
[phone rings]
Tony: You got Romo!
Peter King: Hey Tony, how are you doing today?
Tony: Oh hey, Peter. I’m good, I’m getting ready for Sunday’s game.
Peter: I bet you are, I bet you are.
Tony: Yeah…so what is it you’re calling about?
Peter: Oh you know, I just wanted to chat.
