Eh, close enough.

Potential guests on the Tony Kornheiser Show beware, you are not to speak ill of Dan Snyder on Mr. Tony’s airwaves. And if you’re thinking it’s because Dan Snyder owns the radio station you’d be totally wrong. Because according to John Feinstein (friend of Tony and basher of Danny) it has nothing to do with business and everything to do with friendship.

Tony Kornheiser has specifically asked me not to bring up Dan Snyder on his show. I feel queasy about this but Tony’s my friend and it is his show. It isn’t as if there aren’t plenty of other forums for me to talk about Snyder and Snyder is one of those guys Tony simply isn’t going to go after–not because he’s paid by him but because he likes him.

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The failed three-year Tony Kornheiser Experiment on Monday Night Football has come to a merciful close, which is ESPN’s minor atonement for adding Matt Millen to their pregame theatrics. When Kornheiser was brought in, he was hailed for, if nothing else, not being Joe Theismann, but he turned out to be just as bad, if not worse. At the time, TK had run a tremendously entertaining radio show, even if it belabored American Idol to the point of absurdity. Whereas that radio show was smooth and engaging, despite the constant Idol banter, he was overly gimmicky on MNF, always playing up ESPN-approved storylines and star players regardless of what transpired on the field. He stuck to oft-repeated speculation on what sportswriters were working on in their “column” about the game, as though he were a displaced journalism professor who just happened to be sitting in on a TV show for a lark. Favre became the analog to radio show’s insistence of Idol talk. How many times did he try to shoehorn Brittfar’s name into the commentary during the MNF game with the Packers this past year? Even Tirico had to tamp it down at one point. If it weren’t for PK, he’d be the Jackie Harvey of sports.

So who will carry the mantle of color commentary on the second tier weekly primetime game? None other than Jon Gruden, who will most assuredly be stilted and awful, weighing down the broadcast with even more platitudes and cliches. How a coach months removed from the sideline is supposed to counterbalance the overly analytical Jaws and the good play-by-play straight man Mike Tirico isn’t clear, though I don’t see Gruden being up to the task. WHITHER GUS JOHNSON!? CAN’T HAVE TWO BLACK GUYS IN THE BOOTH!? IS THAT IT!?

So, in the end, the commentary will suck, but at least won’t call as much attention to its awfulness through braying antics and dumb pandering to ESPN talking points. And, at the very least this might lead to a Jennifer Tilly cameo in the booth at some point.

(cue “Hey Jude” by The Beatles)

Tony: What song is this? Is this Jim Croce? Wait, I know this…

(gets to “na na na” part)

Tony: Oh, it’s “Hey Jude”! Of course it is. It must be Paul McCartney’s birthday today. The Beatles, of course, (clears throat) were founded in Liverpool, a town I have never been to and will never go to for as long as I live.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: The Beatles, as you know, were VERY, VERY popular here in the United States, what with Beatlemania and all. (clears throat) Then they went to India and started meditating (clears throat) and then everything just went right to hell.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Wilbon, were you a Beatlemaniac?

(cue Wilbon on the phone)

Wilbon: Was I a Beatlemaniac? No, no I was not a Beatlemaniac. Beatlemaniacs were little girls who went and screamed their heads off outside the airport when the band landed. I had no interest in any of that junk. Not for me.

Tony: Where are you right now, Wilbon?

Wilbon: Where am I? I am in Maui for a golf tournament. You knew that, Tony.

Tony: So you haven’t been here (clears throat) to digest this whole drawn-out search for Jim Zorn, the new Redskins coach? Ol’ Zorny?! HOW CAN YOU MISS OL’ ZORNY?!

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Wilbon: No, I was not around for that. I was far, far away from that, and happily so. I’m just so glad I was in Maui playing golf during this whole silliness, Tony. You know me. I am an IN-SEASON guy. None of the hot stove silliness. I don’t CARE about who’s coaching the team, even if my readers do. I’m not here to serve them. I just want to see the players play and the coaches coach. I don’t care how they got there. I don’t want to know what their back story is. I don’t want to know any sort of human element behind the competition. That’s just a bunch of JUNK for all the crazed goons who listen to talk radio and all that nonsense. Anyone who’s interested in the machinations of their team is just a fool and not fit to read a newspaper. I would like to treat them with complete and utter disdain, because I am an important person who talks about important issues, which in turn makes me more important than normal people.

Tony: Okay, well screw all that anyway. (clears throat) The important thing is, DID YOU WATCH IDOL?! HAVE YOU SEEN THIS DAVID ARCHULETA KID?!

Wilbon: No, I have certainly NOT. I’m not into Idol, Tony. You know that. It’s nothing but a bunch of junk and foolishness. I don’t care for this whole reality TV business, with people making asses of themselves on TV. It’s ridiculous, and I am so far above it all, I can hear the prayers of all the small children of the world when they go to bed at night. By the way, I look forward to us wearing cop uniforms on PTI later today.

Tony: Me too. Thank you, Wilbon!

Wilbon: Thanks, Tony.

Tony: Michael Wilbon, boys and girls. Golfing in Maui. (clears throat) I’d like to golf in Maui. But I can’t go! I CANNOT go. I can NOT go to Maui. Ever.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Eugene Robinson, political columnist for the Post is with us now (clears throat) to talk about the election. Eugene, rough night for Hillary, huh?

Eugene: It certainly was, Tony. And you know what I found fascinating was that the exit polling data showed a growing number of…

Tony: Yeah, yeah, screw all that. The important thing is: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Eugene: Well, no. I’m a political reporter, and had to work during the course of the evening. But I did get a chance to see David Archuleta, and he was…

Tony: He was great! He was GREAT! I mean, (clears throat) he is by no means Barry White, but I thought (clears throat) he was just FABULOUS!

Eugene: But other than that, I had to watch the election returns.

Tony: Wonderful. Thank you, Eugene.

Eugene: Talk to you later, Tony.

Tony: Yeah, I’m liking this season of Idol.

WaPo-Appointed Studio Lapdog For Tony: It’s not bad.

Tony: They’re not a bad group, right? Of course, (clears throat) it’s easy to top last year’s Idol, (clears throat) which was just a TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE season. It was just a bunch of DOPES. Probably all back working at Chuck E. Cheeses by now.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m sorry, but it’s true. I’M CYNICAL! I’M SARCASTIC! Who do we have on the phone next. Is it you, Junior?

John Feinstein: Hey, Tony. Hey, do you know if I left a pair of brown suede gloves at your house the other night?

Tony: Hmm. I don’t recall seeing them.

John Feinstein: I think I left them on the table in entranceway. They were very simple brown suede gloves. Did you see them?

Tony: Oh, I think I may have! How do you want (clears throat) to arrange for picking them up?

John Feinstein: Well, if you could simply leave them by the door, somewhat off to the side, perhaps obscured by a bush, that would be fabulous. Oh, and did your wife get the cassoulet recipe from my wife?

Tony: I believe she did.

John Feinstein: Great, great. Did you still need help moving that desk at your house?

Tony: Well, let me explain what happened with the desk. I, (clears throat) as you know, CANNOT fix anything.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: Can’t fix anything at all. Anyway, (clears throat) we have this lovely desk that my wife found at a consignment shop. Very gorgeous, hand-crafted. Anyway, we had to move it (clears throat) so that the contractors could install the toilet. So anyway…

(cut to 90 minutes later)

Tony: …so the desk can’t be moved. Are we still on the air? You know, (clears throat) I completely forgot we were talking to some sort of audience. Anything else you want to add, Junior?

John Feinstein: Buy my new book, “Living on the Black”. I know Coach K. George Bush is a prick. I have several extremely liberal viewpoints. Army-Navy is an unmatched tradition in sports. Random golf anecdote. I wish Georgetown would play in my charity basketball tourney, but John Thompson is a dick. Bob Knight is an asshole. We need to get rid of guns in this country. Did you know I write books for children too? I think Gary Williams is exasperated about something.

Tony: Okay, thank you, Junior!

John Feinstein: I really wish you’d stop calling me that. It’s fucking annoying.

Tony: Joe Barber joins us now with movie reviews. Joe, are you gearing up for Oscar season?

Joe Barber: I am indeed!

Tony: DID YOU WATCH IDOL?!

Joe Barber: No, but this is a very good time to revisit some of the films up for Best Picture at the Oscars.

Tony: Who’s the host this year? Is it that Jon Hewitt?

Joe Barber: Jon Stewart, host of “The Daily Show”

Tony: Okay, well (clears throat) I saw him once. He’s a DOPE. Just horribly, horribly unfunny. Terrible comedian.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Joe Barber: Okay.

Tony: So, tell me about some of these movies.

Joe Barber: Well, there’s “No Country For Old Men”, which is from the Coen Brothers.

Tony: Okay now, who are they?

Joe Barber: They’re very prominent directors.

Tony: Well, tell me about this movie.

Joe Barber: Okay. Well, Josh Brolin plays a sort of ne’r do well who finds this bag of money out in the middle of nowhere in Texas, and then (proceeds to give away entire plot and ending of film).

Tony: Now, should I go see this movie?

Joe Barber: Probably not, now that you know everything that happens.

Tony: I see. Is this the movie with the guy with the haircut? I have not seen it and I’m quite sure (clears throat) I would hate it and that it is a terrible, terrible movie. And I’m sure these Cogan Brothers (clears throat) are just a couple of DOPES.

Joe Barber: Actually, it’s quite a good film. Have you watched a movie within the past four decades?

Tony: Thank you, Joe!

Joe Barber: Thank you, Tony.

Tony: Joe Barber, boys and girls. I received a very nice letter in the mail from Janice Thompson of Frederick, Maryland today. (clears throat) It’s a very nice, very lovely card. And she sent me a very nice box of glazed apricots, which was also very nice. (clears throat) So thank you, Janice. I will eat them while I look at my new desk, which CANNOT be moved.

(everyone in the studio laughs for no reason)

Tony: I’m Tony Kornheiser, and this is 3WT Radio.

(clears throat)