I can’t believe it!

Osama bin Laden has been killed by American forces in Pakistan. With the death of the leader of al-Qaeda, the United States can close a chapter in its so-called “war on terror.” This latest conquest has really been a source of exaltation, relief and joy for American people across the country. This is amazing news for America, for the Middle East, and the world.

Although…

As a Christian man, I really have to condemn the celebration of a man’s death. I am ashamed that a gathering of young people in front of the White House decided to chant songs and jingoistic tunes while acknowledging the death of a religious leader? Does his killing correct all of the wrongs bin Laden committed in his life?

Why must we be such a vengeful people? Why can we not simply honor the memories of the thousands that died during the events 9/11 and the ensuing invasions in the Middle East? How can we allow a man’s death–any man–be the cause of cheering in the streets?

Haven’t we gone too far?

Tony, do you ever shut the fuck up?

Lemme ask you something. How do you grieve for a man that got out of bed every day thinking of new ways to kill Americans. Yes, a man has been killed. Three men and a woman, to be exact. One of those men was a dangerous human being that could have coordinated other attacks against us. Maybe if you weren’t paying so much attention to the stupid little bullshit in your life, you’d understand the severity of the conflict that exists in this world. Almost 200 people were killed in a tornado less than a week ago. You didn’t give them a second thought before steam-pressing your khakis before the weekend, now did ya?

We don’t live in a world of ideals. We live in a world of men, and sometimes the world is better off when a certain towelhead gets what’s coming to him. Was it within America’s rights to kill that motherfucker? Maybe it wasn’t, but that asshole shoulda realized that he might have been a casualty in his own damn war. Osama bin Fuckface set out to destroy America, but now it looks like the camel-shit-infested sandal is on the other foot now.

Let us celebrate this as we like. Let’s come together as a country for a day and celebrate the fact that someone tried to fuck with us, and then HE was the one that got fucked. This will be joyous for some and bittersweet for others, especially for those who lost loved ones in New York, the Pentagon, Afghanistan, Iraq, or even Libya, for whatever the fuck we’re doing there. This is America. This is the country and the civilization that Osama bin Laden tried to destroy. And we OWNED HIS ASS. Now take off the skirt, Tony Dungy, and dance on that towelhead’s grave like the proud American I know you are!

Oh, and if Obama can get them other crazy fools at TSA to stop grabbin my junk, that’d be great.

Five months ago, ESPN “analyst” Jon Gruden taped a mock film study session with four NFL rookies-to-be, one of which was Heisman Trophy winner Tim Tebow. As Tebow went in the first round of the NFL Draft shortly after his segment with Gruden aired, one could be left to wonder how a reunion between those two men would have played out.

JON GRUDEN: Tim Tebow! You kiddin’ me? You’re a football player, man! I tell you. I like that haircut and that shirt and all those muscles, man! I’m tellin’ you!

TIM TEBOW: I have a will to win, Coach. I just love the game of football. Not only do I love to win, but I also hate to lose. And not only do I love to win and hate to lose, but I have no feeling about ties whatsoever.

JON GRUDEN: You gotta overcome adversity! You gotta get out there and start makin’ your reads and you’re strokin’ that ball into the receiver’s hands and you’re gettin’ under center and you’re just makin’ it hum. Am I right?

TIM TEBOW: I bring passion to the game. I am very passionate. If my love for the game of football was a type of fruit, it would be a passionfruit. I will do anything to help my team win, as long as it doesn’t include converting to a position that might better suit my skills such as tight end or goal-line fullback.

JON GRUDEN: Let’s be honest. Okay? It’s okay to suck another guy’s dick once in a while, okay? I mean, not just any dick. You gotta have the right wang in your mouth, you know what I’m sayin? You gotta do your homework. Study up on that dick. Girthy. Grooming. No cuts. His dick should look just like his father’s.

TIM TEBOW: My faith teaches me that homosexuality is a sin, as is sudoku and men’s figure skating. But if my love for the game of football leads me into another man’s anus, that’s okay, because in ancient Greece I would still be considered straight.

JON GRUDEN: You know what I call you? You’re the JESUS SUPREME VERSATRAC EVEREADY DISCO ARGENTINE NO QUIT NICOTINE PATCH QUILT GOBSTOPPER! That’s what you are, man! Because that’s what you do? It’s time to get stimulated! Great. Spectacular. Coulda swore you were a black guy.

TIM TEBOW: I have been called many things, but if I were to call myself something, it would be “I love the game of football.” And so when people call my name on television, when they announce another touchdown pass from I Love The Game Of Football, the world will know that I love the game of football.

JON GRUDEN: There’s only one way to get respect in this league, and that’s by winning football games. And there’s only one way to win football games, and that’s with talent. And there’s only one way to get talent, and that’s with a rag of ether and a white van with no windows.

TIM TEBOW: I will love the game of football anytime, anyplace, anywhere. I will love it on a boat. I will love it with a goat. I will love it with a spoon. I will love it in Mattoon. I will love it in my socks. I will love it through the Renaissance.

JON GRUDEN: Now Tim, don’t bullshit me, alright? You love me, don’t you?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: You wanna overcome adversity right into my mouth, dontcha?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: You wanna get the very best of Gruden, dontcha?

TIM TEBOW: No sir.

JON GRUDEN: Well fuck you then.

TIM TEBOW: God bless.

TONY DUNGY: Rodney, I don’t know about you, but I really liked the direction of this post. It called upon a dynamic of two of the NFL’s great characters, it found its rhythm early, and had plenty of talk about penises. The reference to the Renaissance was nice, too.

RODNEY HARRISON: Tony, I’m sorry, but this is another miss. Isn’t this joke like five months old already. The season starts tomorrow, Tony. Tomorrow. And this is a post about something that happened before the draft? And I don’t understand how Tim Tebow could reject the sexual advances of a Super Bowl champion coach. That can’t happen at this level. So take off the skirt, Tim Tebow, and start sucking your coach’s dick like a man.

TONY DUNGY: Technically, Rodney, Jon Gruden is not Tim’s coach.

RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.

One of the odd things about Michael Vick’s signing last week was the continued presence of former Colts coach Tony Dungy by Vick’s side as both mentor and advocate. Why is Dungy so interested in Vick? Well, we at KSK recently found a tape of the two men meeting privately that explains a great deal. Here now is the transcript.

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, SHIT brother.

I am HIGH! And I’m an Eagle! God damn! How’d that happen?

Dungy: That was my doing, young man.

Vick: Oh, SHIT! Ming the Merciless! Step off, you creepy shit!

Dungy: No, Michael. It’s me. Coach Dungy.

Vick: Oh, Mr. Quiet Strength Man! How the fuck you doing? You wanna watch Gladiator with me? Fucking Gladiator and weed is DANGEROUS, like me running the ball on 3rd and 34.

Dungy: No, Michael. I’m here to support you in your rehabilitation. It was I who helped broker your deal here in Philly. It was I who convinced Mr. Lurie and Coach Reid that you were fit to play again. That you were a changed man.

Vick: Really? Why? Why’d you do that? And how’d I get so fucking HIGH? Look at my hands, man. Look at them. They’re so handsy.

Dungy: Michael, I did this because I believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe that saving wayward souls is good for the world. I believe we all have good in us, it simply needs to be brought out. But, most importantly, I need your help. Come with me.

(escorts Vick to his basement)

Come closer. I want to show you something.

Vick: THE FUCK IS THAT?!

Dungy: This is Lance. He’s the fiercest gay I’ve ever bred.

Lance: GRRRRRR!

Dungy: But I can’t seem to translate that same ferocity into the ring. I need YOU, Michael. I need your keen training skills.

Vick: Oh man, that is FUCKED UP.

Dungy: SILENCE!

(slaps Vick)

Vick: Ouch!

Dungy: You will help me train this gay to fight.

Vick: What if he doesn’t want to fight?

Dungy: Then we drown him. That’s the best part!

Vick: How long have you been doing this?

Dungy: I’ve been staging catfights for a long time now. It’s part of the culture where I come from. I mean really, they’re just gays. I don’t know why anyone would be so upset. This helps control the gay population!

Vick: Good fucking gobblers.

Dungy: Last year, Fag Newz Kennels made over $200,000 in winnings. I plan on doubling that amount this year. I need to find gays that have real gameness, like Lance here. And I need you to train them in the black brick building I have hidden on my property. And if you don’t help me, I WILL SIC MY FERAL GAYS ON YOU. Now come with me. I need to show you the rape stand.

Lance: GRRRRRR!

Vick: (throws up)