Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

DALLAS, TX–Officials fear the worst after Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo and his girlfriend Jessica Simpson failed to return from an afternoon boating excursion in the Gulf of Mexico. The couple left the marina two days ago in their 25-foot Malibu Wakesetter speedboat for a day of relaxation and have not been seen since.

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones pledged to fund an extensive search and rescue mission, although he reportedly canceled the operation shortly after watching Stephen McGee and Felix Jones excel in the team’s new “Wildcat” formation during organized team activities.

It appears that family members have also given up hope on finding the superstar couple alive and well after two days at sea. While the Simpson family has yet to issue an official statement, Jessica’s father Joe was overheard speculating as to whether or not they had to wait for the bodies to wash up on shore before collecting on his daughter’s sizable life insurance policy.

They will not be missed.

Ext. Golf Course

Michael: Nice drive, kid.

Tony: Thank you very much, Mr. Jordan.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Oh no.

Michael: You gonna get that?

Tony: I really don’t want to.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Could be important.

Tony: I doubt it.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Answer the fucking phone before I toss it in the lake.

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, where are you?

Tony: Oh, hey Jess. I’m out…running errands.

Jess: Oh good, I need you to buy me some medicine.

Tony: What’s wrong?

Jess: I’m sick.

Tony: Yeah, I assumed as much. What specifically is wrong?

Jess: I keep puking.

Tony: How long has that been going on?

Jess: Every morning for the last [vomits] few days.

Tony: Okay, do you have any other symptoms.

Jess: Not really, but I have been gaining some weight, and my boobs feel all big and swollen.

Tony: …

Jess: You there?

Tony: Yeah.

Jess: What’s wrong?

Tony: Uh Jess, have you been keeping up on your birth control?

Jess: On what?

Tony: Your birth control, Jess. Aren’t you on the pill?

Jess: Oh I don’t believe in that stuff, why?

Tony: What the fuck do you mean you don’t believe in it? Don’t you know you can get pregnant without taking the pill?

Jess: Don’t be silly Tony, I can’t be pregnant.

Tony: Why not?

Jess: Because I’m not married, silly.

Tony: What’s that supposed to mean.

Jess: Well daddy always told me that a good Christian girl like me can’t get pregnant unless she’s married. It’s science.

Tony: Oh Jesus Christ!

Jess: Amen!

Tony: No Jess, this is bad. You misunderstood what your dad told you, and now I think you may be pregnant.

Jess: Amen?

Tony: No. No amen.

Jess: Hang on, I’m going ton conference daddy in on the call.

Joe: GO FOR PAPA JOE!

Jess: Daddy, Tony thinks I’m preggers!

Joe: Is this true, son?

Tony: Well considering that your daughter’s idea of birth control revolves around church attendance I’d say it’s a distinct possibility.

Joe: WOOOOOOOOO DOGGIE!

Tony: What are you so excited about.

Joe: Are you kidding son, my baby ain’t fat, she’s just pregnant!

Tony: And this is a good thing?

Joe: Hell, boy, don’t you have any idea how much People is gonna pay to see them baby pictures?

Jessica: [vomits]

Tony: [covering the moutpiece] Mr. Jordan, does your offer still stand?

Michael: Of course.

[Tony hands Michael the phone]

Michael: Over the birch tree, off the starter’s booth, over the putting green, and in the lake. [Throws phone]

Tony: [smiling] Nothin’ but net.

Michael: That’s my line, asshole.

Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas

Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Fuck.

Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?

Tony: It’s Jess

[cellphone rings]

Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.

Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.

Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: [chews]

Tony: Hello?

Jess: [burps]

Tony: Jess?!

Jess: [chews while burping]

Tony: JESSICA!

Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?

Tony: Jess?

Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!

Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?

Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!

Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.

Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?

Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.

Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!

Tony: How’s that?

Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.

Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?

Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.

Tony: Oh God.

Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]

Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?

Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!

Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?

Jess: Of course!

Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.

Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.

Tony: Jess?

Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.

[hangs up]

Tony: But I’m your soulmate!

Justin: Dude, you’re gay.

Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.

Int. Dallas Cowboys team shower

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Hi, Tony. Sorry about the game.

Tony: Oh hey, Jess. It’s cool.

Jess: So I have some good news that might cheer you up!

Tony: Oh yeah, did you book our off-season vacation to celebrity sex and drug island?

Jess: No, even better!

(towel snaps in the background)

Jess: I’m pregnant!

Tony: [collapses]

Jerry: MY GODDAMN STAR! Ah, fuck it.

(Continue after the jump for the definitive .gif of Dallas’s season)

.gif courtesy of Westbrook Is My Anti-Drug

Int. FedEx Field

[cellphone rings]

Tony: [grimaces] You got Romo!

Pinkie: Hey brah!

Tony: Nick?

Pinkie: Nah, brah.

Tony: Matt?

Pinkie: Nah, brah!

Tony: Who is this?

Pinkie: It’s me, brah, your pinkie finger.

Tony: My pinkie finger? How the hell did you get a phone?

Pinkie: It was a gift from Jessica’s foot after I fucked the shit out of her toe wedges.

Tony: Oh come on, how can a pinkie finger have sex?

Pinkie: Hey, just because I’m a little guy doesn’t mean I’m not packin’ some serious meat down south of knuckletown. See brah, this is why I’m callin’ you. Ever since you broke my ass people have been disrespectin’ me left and right.

Tony: What do you mean, pinkie?

Pinkie: Have you seen this bullshit cast they have me wearing? It makes me look like a fucking pussy! And another thing, tell people to stop callin’ me “pinkie” brah, I spent the bye week in Cabo gettin’ my shit all tan and sexified. I demand a name that better describes my new look.

[other cellphone rings]

Tony: Hang on pinkie, I have another call.

Pinkie: Tell that bitch Kremer to keep her frigid hands off the goods and get me one of those fancy knit hats.

[Tony answers]

Tony: Go for Romo!

Jessica’s foot: Hey baby, we need to talk.

Tony: Okay, hang on.

[Tony switches phones]

Tony: Hey pinkie, I have to take this other call.

Pinkie: Can you get me on Celebrity Apprentice?

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: What’s up, Jess?

Jessica’s foot: This isn’t Jess, it’s her foot. I thought you should know that your pinkie gave me toe herpes.

[Tony hangs up]

Tony: Why do I keep answering these damn phones?

Int. University of Phoenix Online Stadium

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got RomOMYGODIJUSTBROKEMYFUCKINGPINKYFINGER!

Jess: Uh…wrong number.

[Int. Oxnard Residence Inn]

Tony: [watching PGA Championship while masturbating slowly] Oh Jesus, Oakland Hills, I would do such dirty things to your fertile grounds.

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[pulling phone out from underneath his ass]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, what’re you doin’?

[stops masturbating]

Tony: Oh not much, just going over the playbook and getting ready for the quarterbacks meeting. You know, typical boring training camp stuff.

Jess: Oh yeah? Are you sure you aren’t watching the golf again?

[mutes television]

Tony: No, I swear! I didn’t even know there was a tournament going on today, I’m way too busy studying football and junk.

Jess: You better be, because if I’m gonna make it as a popular country singer I can’t have you screwing things up for the Cowboys again this year.

Tony: Don’t worry Jess, I’ve got it this year. I’m focusing on nothing but football and you, baby.

Jess: Good, because daddy says I can bet my sweet sweater cows that my only chance of selling records is if my boyfriend wins a Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Tony: Jeez Jess, I wish you wouldn’t let your dad talk to you like that. You’re a beautiful talented woman, and people will buy your albums because they love you the same way I sometimes do.

Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.

Tony: Yeah Jess, I get the point and I promise I’m working really hard out here.

Jess: I’m sure you are Tony, I just wish I could be there with you. Are you sure there’s no way I can be a part of the Hard Knockers thing?

Tony: Sorry baby, but they said you couldn’t be on camera.

Jess: I thought you’d say that, which is why I have a surprise for you.

Tony: Oh yeah, and what’s that?

Jess: Well, open up your laptop’s video chat.

Tony: Hey, that’s you!

Jess: That’s right! I set this up so I can dance for you while you’re off at camp. Daddy says we can’t have you getting distracted by all those slutty cheerleaders, so I’m supposed to keep you entertained.

Tony: Wow Jess, I don’t know. [Jess begins gyrating awkwardly] This all seems a little creepy.

[door flies open]

Joe: Sweet Libby Hoeler, did I miss the show?!

Tony: What the hell are you doing here, Mr. Simpson?

Joe: Just wanted to make sure the connection was up and running.

Tony: Wait, you set up the webcam?

Joe: What, did you think Jessica did it herself? My baby’s got the tits that could launch a thousand dicks, but she’s dumber than a sack of implants. Wait a sec! Where the hell are the cameras?

Tony: What cameras?

Joe: The television cameras! We were supposed to be filming this shit for the HBO.

Tony: I told you Mr. Simpson, I’m not putting Jess on Hard Knocks, especially when she’s stripping on a webcam.

[door flies open]

Jerry: YEEEEE-HAW, LET’S SEE SOME OF THOSE TI-XAS TITTIES BOUNCIN’ FOR MY BOY, ROMO!!

Tony: Mr. Jones, i really don’t think this is appropriate.

Jerry: NONSENSE, YOU’RE A GOD DAMNED STAR, AND TIXAS SIZED STARS DESERVED SOME TIXAS SIZED TITTIES JIGGLIN’ FOR ‘EM! WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE DAMN CAMERAS?

[door flies open]

Adam: Aw, hell naw. I ain’t down with that innernet porn bullshit. You bring that bitch down her and I’ll show ya how to turn that ass inside out!

Tony: Guys, I really wish you’d all just lea…

[door flies open]

Tony: I don’t need this shit, I have a tee time to get to.

[Tony exits]

Thanks to the tremendous Holy Taco.

Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas

Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?

Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.

[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo

Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.

Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?

Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?

Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?

Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.

Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?

Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.

Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.

Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.

[hangs up]

Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!

Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.

Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.

[sits down]

Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.

OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?

Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.

Jess: My ears are burning.

Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.

[Jess sets her hair on fire]

Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.

[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]

Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?

Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.

Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.

[Joe appears out of the dark as if he's made of it]

Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?

Jess: Hi Daddy!

Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.