Update: This post was written before I read the news of the missing Air France plane. I pulled the post with the intention of re-posting it at a later date, but it’s already showing up on RSS feeds so I’m just putting it back up now. I mean no offense, but if you don’t want to read a satirical post about a quarterback being lost at sea on the same day that a commercial plane was lost at sea then you should just skip over this one.

(more…)

Ext. Golf Course

Michael: Nice drive, kid.

Tony: Thank you very much, Mr. Jordan.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Oh no.

Michael: You gonna get that?

Tony: I really don’t want to.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Could be important.

Tony: I doubt it.

[cellphone rings]

Michael: Answer the fucking phone before I toss it in the lake.

Tony: You got Romo!
(more…)

Ext. TPC Four Seasons Las Colinas

Tony: Gimme my ass, you’re putting that shit, JT!

[cellphone rings]

Tony: Fuck.

Justin: What’s up, man? We playing golf or taking phone calls?

Tony: It’s Jess

[cellphone rings]

Justin: …and then I jizzed in my pants.

Tony: Not cool, JT, not cool.

Justin: Whatever, you know you laughed.

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: [chews]

Tony: Hello?

Jess: [burps]

Tony: Jess?!

Jess: [chews while burping]

Tony: JESSICA!

Jess: [attempts to speak through mouth full of hush puppies] Pomy?

Tony: Jess?

Jess: [swallows] Hey, Tony!

Tony: Hey baby, are you uh…eating again?

Jess: Oh yeah. I’m performing at the Chili Cook-off in Florida! There’s so much food!

Tony: Well just go easy, baby, you know, everything in moderation and all that.

Jess: [ladles chili down throat] Moder-what-on?

Tony: Just remember what your agent said, you need to keep your physique for the sake of your acting career.

Jess: Well duh, that’s what I’m doing!

Tony: How’s that?

Jess: Well my agent told me about these two new biopic movies, and I’m s’posed to pick one to audition for.

Tony: Oh really? Who are the subjects?

Jess: Dolly Parton and Anna Nicole Smith.

Tony: Oh God.

Jess: [drinks room-temperature sour cream]

Tony: Which one did you pick, Jess?

Jess: [gargling] My girl Anna!

Tony: Oh dear God. Jess, are you sure about that?

Jess: Of course!

Tony: But I think you’d make a great Dolly Parton. She’s so nice and skinny like you used to be. And we just joined this new gym so you could get back in shape without poor people talking to you.

Jess: [swallows Merciless Pepper of Quetzlzacatenango] Uh-oh. I don’t feel so good.

Tony: Jess?

Jess: Bye bye Tony, Johnny Cash’s doggy is taking me to find my soulmate.

[hangs up]

Tony: But I’m your soulmate!

Justin: Dude, you’re gay.

Tony: Tee it up, douchebag.

Int. Dallas Cowboys team shower

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jessica: Hi, Tony. Sorry about the game.

Tony: Oh hey, Jess. It’s cool.

Jess: So I have some good news that might cheer you up!

Tony: Oh yeah, did you book our off-season vacation to celebrity sex and drug island?

Jess: No, even better!

(towel snaps in the background)

Jess: I’m pregnant!

Tony: [collapses]

Jerry: MY GODDAMN STAR! Ah, fuck it.

(Continue after the jump for the definitive .gif of Dallas’s season)
(more…)

Int. FedEx Field

[cellphone rings]

Tony: [grimaces] You got Romo!

Pinkie: Hey brah!

Tony: Nick?

Pinkie: Nah, brah.

Tony: Matt?

Pinkie: Nah, brah!

Tony: Who is this?

Pinkie: It’s me, brah, your pinkie finger.

(more…)

Int. University of Phoenix Online Stadium

[cellphone rings]

Tony: You got RomOMYGODIJUSTBROKEMYFUCKINGPINKYFINGER!

Jess: Uh…wrong number.

[Int. Oxnard Residence Inn]

Tony: [watching PGA Championship while masturbating slowly] Oh Jesus, Oakland Hills, I would do such dirty things to your fertile grounds.

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[pulling phone out from underneath his ass]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, what’re you doin’?

[stops masturbating]

Tony: Oh not much, just going over the playbook and getting ready for the quarterbacks meeting. You know, typical boring training camp stuff.

Jess: Oh yeah? Are you sure you aren’t watching the golf again?

[mutes television]

Tony: No, I swear! I didn’t even know there was a tournament going on today, I’m way too busy studying football and junk.

Jess: You better be, because if I’m gonna make it as a popular country singer I can’t have you screwing things up for the Cowboys again this year.

Tony: Don’t worry Jess, I’ve got it this year. I’m focusing on nothing but football and you, baby.

Jess: Good, because daddy says I can bet my sweet sweater cows that my only chance of selling records is if my boyfriend wins a Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Tony: Jeez Jess, I wish you wouldn’t let your dad talk to you like that. You’re a beautiful talented woman, and people will buy your albums because they love you the same way I sometimes do.

Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.

Tony: Yeah Jess, I get the point and I promise I’m working really hard out here.

Jess: I’m sure you are Tony, I just wish I could be there with you. Are you sure there’s no way I can be a part of the Hard Knockers thing?

Tony: Sorry baby, but they said you couldn’t be on camera.

Jess: I thought you’d say that, which is why I have a surprise for you.

Tony: Oh yeah, and what’s that?

Jess: Well, open up your laptop’s video chat.
(more…)

Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas

Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?

Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.

[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo

Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.

Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?

Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?

Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?

Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.

Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?

Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.

Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.

Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.

[hangs up]

Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!

Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.

Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.

[sits down]

Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.

OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?

Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.

Jess: My ears are burning.

Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.

[Jess sets her hair on fire]

Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.

[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]

Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?

Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.

Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.

[Joe appears out of the dark as if he's made of it]

Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?

Jess: Hi Daddy!

Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.