[Int. Oxnard Residence Inn]

Tony: [watching PGA Championship while masturbating slowly] Oh Jesus, Oakland Hills, I would do such dirty things to your fertile grounds.

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[cellphone vibrates]

[pulling phone out from underneath his ass]

Tony: You got Romo!

Jess: Hey baby, what’re you doin’?

[stops masturbating]

Tony: Oh not much, just going over the playbook and getting ready for the quarterbacks meeting. You know, typical boring training camp stuff.

Jess: Oh yeah? Are you sure you aren’t watching the golf again?

[mutes television]

Tony: No, I swear! I didn’t even know there was a tournament going on today, I’m way too busy studying football and junk.

Jess: You better be, because if I’m gonna make it as a popular country singer I can’t have you screwing things up for the Cowboys again this year.

Tony: Don’t worry Jess, I’ve got it this year. I’m focusing on nothing but football and you, baby.

Jess: Good, because daddy says I can bet my sweet sweater cows that my only chance of selling records is if my boyfriend wins a Super Bowl for the Cowboys.

Tony: Jeez Jess, I wish you wouldn’t let your dad talk to you like that. You’re a beautiful talented woman, and people will buy your albums because they love you the same way I sometimes do.

Jess: Oh please Tony, I’m not stupid. [sets hair on fire] If this is going to work out it’s because I’m dating the big studly quarterback, not some wannabe pro golfer washout.

Tony: Yeah Jess, I get the point and I promise I’m working really hard out here.

Jess: I’m sure you are Tony, I just wish I could be there with you. Are you sure there’s no way I can be a part of the Hard Knockers thing?

Tony: Sorry baby, but they said you couldn’t be on camera.

Jess: I thought you’d say that, which is why I have a surprise for you.

Tony: Oh yeah, and what’s that?

Jess: Well, open up your laptop’s video chat.
(more…)

Int. N9ne Steakhouse Dallas, Texas

Tony: So things are all over with that K.I.T.T. guy?

Jess: Yeah, it turns out he was a car. Daddy says that it’s hard enough keeping my suck-u-lent-ly puckered asshole on the A list without being some kind of creepy objectophile.

[cellphone rings]
Tony: You got Romo

Joe: My man Anto-nio! This here’s Papa Joe, just checkin’ to see if you kids have left for dinner.

Tony: [sigh] Yeah Joe, we just walked in the door, is there something you need?

Joe: Aw shit, why’d you leave so early? Don’t you know that big stars like my sweet lil’ honeypot are supposed to show up twenty minutes late for everything? Are the photogs even there yet?

Tony: Why would there be any photographers Joe?

Joe: I might have faxed TMZ a three-page press release announcing your dinner plans.

Tony: And why the hell would you do something like that?

Joe: Because they stopped answering my goddamn phone calls, buncha self-righteous hacks.

Tony: Listen Joe, I’m willing to stuff your daughter’s taco with my chorizo, but you need to back the off, once and for all.

Joe: Alright ‘Tonio, whatever you say goes. I totally comprende, amigo.

[hangs up]

Jess: Say hi to daddy for me!

Tony: I already hung up, [under his breath] dumbfuck.

Obscenely Hot N9ne Hostess: You’re table is all set Mr. Romo, just follow me and feel free to check me out while I switch and walk.

[sits down]

Tony: So, what are you doing next weekend.

OHNH: Probably just sunbathing naked with my obscenely hot friends. So what are you up to, stud?

Tony: Not dating Jessica Simpson, for starters.

Jess: My ears are burning.

Busboy: Miss, please do not lean your head on the candles. They are there for ambiance, not heat.

[Jess sets her hair on fire]

Tony: I’ll get your number on the way out.

[OHNH exits, Busboy extinguishes fire]

Jess: So I don’t get it, what does N-9-N-E mean?

Tony: It’s just a clever way of spelling the number nine. I think the name comes from the age at which the two founders first met.

Jess: I still think N-Nine-Ne is a silly name.

[Joe appears out of the dark as if he's made of it]

Joe: Hi, my name is Papa Joe, and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Might I suggest starting off with a bottle of the Gamba Old Vine Zinfandel and an order of our shrooms?

Jess: Hi Daddy!

Tony: I have to get the fuck out of Texas.