Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!

(dips)

Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!

Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!

(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)

Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!

NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!

(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)

This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!

FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!

(dials phone)

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!

HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?

Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?

HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.

Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!

HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.

Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.

Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!

HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!

Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!

HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?

Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!

HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.

Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!

HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?

Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!

HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.

Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?

HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!

Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!

HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!

Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!

HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!

Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!

HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.

Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!

HouseO: Good one! Latah!

(hangs up)

So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!

(shows off Maori armband tattoo)

So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!

The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!

Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!

(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)

The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!

(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)

The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!

THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!

(puts on Saliva CD)

How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!

If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!

(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)

And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!

(grabs dick)

The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(pisses in Snapple bottle)

I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!

I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!

(turns hat backwards, nods)

YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!

You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness!  Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen.  Bettah than Bunkah Hill!  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!

(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)

BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!

Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!

(puts keys in toaster)

That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!

(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)

Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!

(has porno movie on whenever company is over)

But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!

(lifts up back of shirt)

YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!

Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.

Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!

1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!

As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!

Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE DIEHAHHHD FANS OF CELTIC NATION could get fackin’ shut out of the fackin’ playawffs even if they win 11 games. WHAT THE FACK?!

THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!

(tucks entire pack of Red Man in left cheek)

I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah! And let me tell you something, yah fackin’ CAWKLICKAH! You will nawt find a more-ah gritty, gutty, GRUTTY team! NO ONE DENIES THIS! How can you deny this scrappy, scruffy, scraffy awganization they-ah rightful due with a playawff spawt? THIS IS A FACKIN’ CRIME WARSE THAN ANY CRIME COMMITTED BY ANY DAHHHKIE EVAH!

(flexes triceps for no reason)

LOOK AT THESE FACKIN’ TRIS! MY FACKIN’ GARLFRIEND WAHHHSHIPS THESE!

The Pats have earned they-ah way into these playawffs! You tell me anothah team that could suhvive the lawss of Tawmmy Brady – ONLY THE GREATEST QB IN FACKIN’ HISTORY, YOU FACKIN’ DICKSIPPAH! – and still beat underrated opponents like the Raidahs, and the Cahhhhdinals, and the Rams! NO OTHAH TEAM IN THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE IS IN THEY-AH STRATOSFEE-AH!!!

When I think of awl that we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, have had to suffah through this yee-ah, I am flabbahghasted! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD SURVIVE THIS! THAT’S A FACT! You think back to Septembah. Only these GREAT BEANTOWN fans could lift a team like this to whey-ah they-ah ahhh now. In any othah town, this team goes 5-11. It took all my rooting powah just to get them to this point. It has drained awl my fackin’ enahgy! So much so that I cannot tawnt my buddy JackZ about the Sabathia signing as much as I would like! HA HA YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS SIGNED A FACKIN’ FATASS PITCHAH! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T WAWNT HIM! THEO EPSTEIN IS THE SMAHTEST MAN IN AMERICA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(chokes dog)

I’ll tell you what this fackin’ is. It is yet anothah conspiracy by the nawt fay-uh league! They go out of they-ah way to make life as easy as pawssible far thah Dolphins, Jets, Bills, Titans, Steelahs, Browns, Bengals, Ravens, Colts, Jagwahhs, Texans, Raidahhs, Chiefs, Chahhhjahhs, Brawncos, Vikings, Bay-uhs, Packahhs, Lions, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, Cahhdinals, Seahawwwwks, Farty Ninahs, Bucs, Falcons, Saints, and Panthahhhhhhs!!!! IT’S SO TRANSPARENT! THEY AHHH FAVAHHING AWL THE OTHAH TEAMS!

(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)

WAWTCH ME CRADLE!

I know why this is. The League knows that, if the Pats gawt in, they would clee-ahly run the table. Who would they play in Round 1? Those faggots from Denvah? Easy win! Then they go to Tennessee? THAT TEAM IS NAWT PREPAY-UHED TO HANDLE A BELICHICK D IN THE PLAYAWFFS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

Then they get Pittsburgh? I feel like they could win that game by at least farty points! The league knows this. That is why they arranged the playawff system like this all those yee-ahs ago! SPECIFICALLY TO SHUT US OUT THIS YEE-AH! And that’s why they sent Ryan Clahhhk to cheap shawt my beloved WELKAHHH! Liitle do they know he’s MADE OF STEEL! YOU CAN’T HURT THE UNHURTABLE!

He’s as hahhhd as the streets I wawk on! THAT WAS A DIRTY HIT! WES EASED UP BEFORE-AH THE WHISTLE BLEW AND DIDN’T KEEP HIS HEAD UP! THAT MEANS HE GETS SPECIAL PROTECTION! Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!

(urinates on nearby car)

This playawff system needs to be fixed! You know a playawff is facked when the Colts get in and the Pats don’t! That Colts team is lucky to be 11-4! They ahhh only 27 plays away from being 0-15! It’s so obvious to anyone who knows footbawll! THEY SACK! Only the Pats don’t need luck to win. Everyone else only wins because it’s a fluke! Like the Giants last yee-ah! That Tyree catch was pure luck! Extending yar bawdy to catch the bawl, and then secure it against yar helmet while absorbing a blow from the defendah? THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF LUCKY!

It’s clee-uh what has to happen hee-ah. The playawff system must be rejiggahed! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS JIGGAHED! Farst awff, no mar Colts in the playawffs. EVAH! Secondly, the entrants should be determined by a Blue Ribbon council headed by myself, TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE, along with various Bawston people who KNOW WAY MAR ABOUT SPARTS THAN YOU DO! FAGGOT! Like thah Chahhjahhs could evah beat the Pats! What a joke!

(pulls sink out of wall)

That way, we can avoid a season as tainted as this one. If the Pats do nawt make the playawffs, it’ll be the greatest injustice of ow-uh time! That Super Bowl winnah will nawt be legit! NO ONE WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ TEABAGGAHS!

Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT?

(sits on hood of car)

First off, I am NOT from fucking Rockaway. Okay? I’m clearly from Nutley, or Essex, or some other part of Upper Central Eastern Northern Middle New Jersey. IS THAT NOT FUCKING CLEAR TO YOUS? You can’t just lump all Jerseyites together like dat. Every town in Jersey contains its very own distinct tribe of people wit its own unique blend of cultures and customs. We’re like the Africa of states, except we don’t have as many n—-rs. AM I RIGHT?

(grabs dick)

Furthuhmore, the fan you described yestuhday was CLEARLY a Jets fan. Everyone knows dat. I’m a Giant fan, okay? I don’t threaten to rape women in the ass, like Jet fans do. I threaten to kick them in the tits. Big difference. You should know dat. Jets fans are the ones who have no sense of class or decorum. Like remembuh the time the Saints had their game moved to Giants stadium, and all the fans were taunting them about having their homes flooded? Those were obviously Jet fans dressed as Giant fans. AGAIN, TRYING TO SHAME THE NFL’S FLAGSHIP FRANCHISE.

(contorts face into permanent half-smirk)

Bro, bro, bro, bro. And Sanremo Pizza? You really think Giant fans eat dere, bro? PATHETIC. Everyone knows we eat at Paradiso. BEST FUCKING ITALIAN SUBS IN ALL OF NORTH JERSEY. I beat you don’t even know where it is. Do you know? I can tell you where it is. Just take the Garden State. You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.

(grabs dick again, folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm)

All’s I’m sayin’ is dat you got it wrong. You clearly know nothing about anything. As opposed to myself, who knows everything about everything. Like these shoes. You see dese shoes? I got a fucking DEAL AND A HALF on dese shoes. And I was gonna tell you where I got dem, BUT NOW I FUCKING WON’T. You are a FUCKING FAGGOT. And if I see you in my town, I SWEAR TUH GOD I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BICYCLE CHAIN. YOU HEAR ME?

(door flies open)

Tommy: HOW FACKIN’ DAY-UH YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEIN’ STEREOTYPED, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! We, the proud fans of Celtic Nation, have been stereotyped fahhhhh longah than you! WE EARNED THIS STEREOTYPE! YOU HAVEN’T HAD TO SUFFAH LIKE WE HAVE!

Mickey: You got a fucking problem, assfuck?

Tommy: I sure FACKIN’ do! I’LL FACK YOU AND THEN JIZZ ON YOUR FAT SLUT GARLFRIEND’S EYEBROWS!

Mickey: Try it! I know many violent Italians who will fucking STRANGLE YOUS!

Tommy: Yeah? Well, I bench 225!

Mickey: 235.

Tommy: I gawt this tattoo of Sylvester raping Tweety Bird!

Mickey: I GOT A FUCKING TATTOO OF ME FUCKING YOUR MOTHUH!

Tommy: Yeah, well yar mawm’s a DAHHHHKIE!

Mickey: AND YOUR MOM’S A FUCKING SPIC!

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Mickey: FUCK YOUS! All’s I’m sayin’ is, FUCK BOSTON. AM I RIGHT!

Tommy: No! You AHHHHHH WRAWNGGGG!! DIE!

Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!

Tommy: I WOULD SO FACKIN’ FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHIT.

Mickey: Then it’s a date. My fist and your sorry ass!

Tommy: Mahhhhhk it. Finally, everyone will know that BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE MOST IMPARTANT FANS IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Mickey: Fine. But let’s go to a shitty nightclub first and grab girls by their cunts.

Tommy: Okay.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and playing dirty. I’m just gonna keep on playing the way I play.

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering takeout or anything like that.

(unlatches door)

Who’s there?

(door flies open)

(more…)

You fackin’ Tennessee faggots have gawt some fackin’ narve! Just one yee-ah after my beloved Paytreeuts take they-ah rightful place on footbawl lor-ah by going 16-0, you facks have the bawls to try and go undefeated too! WHO THE FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH?!!

(drinks 56 oz. can of Joose)

Like you’d even stand a fackin’ chance against the legendary 2007 Pats jugguhnut! Quite pawssibly the greatest team in NFL history! The Pats would beat that team by at least farty seven points. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Who’s gonna defend Welkahhhh? Fackin’ Cartland Finnegan? THAT DAHKIE ISN’T REAL IRISH LIKE THE FACKIN’ TAWMSTAH IS!

(shows off 666 shamrock tattoo on back of neck)

THIS ONE’S FAR MY ANCESTAHS! TOP O THAH FACKIN’ MARNIN TO YAH, YOU CAWKHANDLAHS!

(puts on Timberland boots)

Like these boots? THESE AH MY DAHKIE-STAWMPIN’ BOOTS!

And these fackin’ Titan fans. What a joke. YOU PEOPLE DO NAWT DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNDEFEATED TEAM. Where’s yar fackin’ history? Did you evah chee-ah far Larry fackin’ Bird when you were-ah a kid, like I did? THEN YOU AHHN’T AS GOOD AT BEING SPARTS FANS AS WE AHHHH!!! Ow-uh team has been around longah, and that makes us bettah! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT FACKIN’ BAWSTON FANS ROOT HAHHDAH THAN ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU COONCAP-WEARIN’ SHITBAWXES!

Fackin’ jawnny come lately fans, you facks. If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!

(flexes calves)

These ahh pussy-getting’ calves!

I just have to laugh, because it’s clee-ah to anyone who knows this game that thah Titans will suffah come playawff time! You cannawt win in thah playawffs if yar fans ahh nawt on pahhhhh with the legendary Bawston faithful. You watch. If the Pats play the Titans in the playawffs, THAT NASHVILLE STADIUM WILL BE 99% RED SAWX FANS! We love nothing more-ah than going to other stadiums and telling people HOW FACKIN’ AWESOME THE SAWX AHHH! Jeff Fishah’s team won’t stand a chance!

(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)

Once again, the fackin’ Pats will triumph. And if we lose, it will be because the Titans clearly gawt lucky, ar becawse the refs facked us, ar becawse farces from the spirit warld deprived us of a victory in arder to keep America fascinated with the awngoing starryline of what it means to be a REAL BAWSTON FAN! SACK ON THAT!

NO MATTER HOW IT TURNS OUT, YOU WILL NAWT BE THE MAIN STARRY! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT SOME FAGGOT NON-BEANTOWN TEAM! You ahh nawt compelling, like we ahhh! THIS IS THE TRUTH!

(puts on cutoff sweatshirt)

So enjoy losing in the playawffs, Titans. Or winning a tainted Supah Bowl! Then enjoy overpaying for Matty Cassel in the awffseason! EVERYONE KNOWS HE’LL TANK WITHOUT OW-UH SUPPART BEHIND HIM! THAT NO GOOD FAGGOT FACK!

THE 2007 PATS WILL ALWAYS BE THE REAL UNDEFEATED TEAM! YOU AHH JUST IMPAWSTAHS! GO CELTIC NATION!

FACK YOU, AMERICA! If you love dahhkies mar than you love the fackin’ Sawx and Pats, then you ahhh nawt true America fans! This could be ow-uh dahhhkest ow-uh! Adam Vineteiri, you ahhh a fackin’ traitah!!!

No one wants some dahhkie Chicawgo fan in chahhge! Chicawgo fans don’t have the rooting powuh of the LEGENDARY fackin’ Baston faithful! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Papelbawn should have run! Paaaapelbawn!

(puts entire pack of Red Man in mouth)

(smokes thirty Parliaments simultaneously)

(drinks gallon of vodka and Hawaiian Punch)

(cranks Three Doors Down album)

(gets Yosemite Sam tattoo on quadricep)

(throws garbage can through tenement window)

(attaches wallet chain to belt loop)

FAAACK YOOOOOU!!!! CELTIC NATION WILL FARM ITS OWN COUNTRY, YOU FACKS!

You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation, have had to endure far-ah the last far-ah months. WELL, FACK YOU! YOU AHH NAWT REAL FANS! YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!

(opens tin of Copenhagen)

Oh, these ahh very dahk times, my friends! Dahkkah than that dahkie I hit with a beer-ah mug last week! Fack that culluhed guy. He wanted to play some jiggaboo rap sawng on the fackin’ jukebawx, but I set him straight. THIS IS A STAIND AND STONE SOWAH TOWN, YOU FACKIN’ TAHHHH BABY!

(pulls hood ornament off of nearby Cadillac)

To think that we fans have been farced to go four-ah months without winning a single title. HAS ANY TOWN EVAH HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A DROUGHT?! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! If you watched that fackin’ Sawx-Rays series, you know damn well which fanbase deserved to win! These fackin’ Rays fans. YOU FACKS HAVE NO HISTORY! YOU JUST BAWT THAT CAP, YOU FACKS! I’ve had the same Sawx hat far nearly 4 yee-uhs now! Look at the sweat stains awn it! This hat has been through the waaaahs! Tell me we didn’t deserve it more-ah! YOU TAMPA FAGGOTS COULDN’T BRING YAR TEAM BACK FROM 3-1! ONLY WE COULD DO THAT!

IF YOU WERE-AH REAL BASEBALL FANS, YOU’D BE SAWX FANS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

(flexes lat muscles)

That’s the thing you Bawston-hating faggots don’t undahstand about thah great Bawston fans. We cay-uh more-ah. So when ow-uh team loses, it hurts us more-ah than it could evah hurt you. I FEEL THIS LOSS DEEP IN MY HAHHHHT. That’s why the Sawx and Pats should win every yee-ah. It’s mar impartant to us than it is to you! First we get the Supah Bawl loss, and now this? With only one title in between? NAME ME A FANBASE THAT HAS SUFFAHED MORE-AH! We’re so used to winning titles, that it hurts us even more-ah when we lose. You facks don’t appreciate losses thah way we do! THOSE AHH REAL STOMACH PUNCHES, YOU FACKIN’ FACKS!

(cell phone rings)

Oh wait, that’s my friend HouseO. After a tough loss, we always call each othah to tawk about it. NO OTHAH TEAM’S FAN DO THIS! HouseO!!!!

HouseO: I’m fackin’ done with these teams, Tommy.

Tommy: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! We cay-uh so much, and I don’t think these teams appreciate that! Ahh you still at the game?

HouseO: Oh yeah. It’s like, 98% Sawx fans hee-ah. And I think even the Rays fans secretly wanted us to win.

Tommy: SEE? You should disquawlified if you can’t fill yar stadium with true fans like we can!

HouseO: I’m just ovah these teams, Tawmmy. You gawt the Sawx letting us down. And then you got Matt fackin’ Cassel fackin’ up the Pats. It’s a fackin’ joke. We ahh too good a group of fans to have to put up with this shit. I’m nawt going to any more-ah Red Sawx or-ah Pats games until they ahhh ready to staht winning again.

Tommy: I know what you mean! I’M FACKIN’ DISGUSTED! We should nawt chee-ah far these teams again until they’ve won something far us. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH THAH BEST FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WARLD AND WE DESERVE IT!

HouseO: Fackin’ right. Othah teams fans stay away from the stadium becawse they ahhh so fay-uh weathahh…

Tommy: But when we stay away, it’s becawse we cay-uh TOO MUCH TO SEE OW-UH TEAMS LIKE THAT!

HouseO: Exactly. I’m nawt going to any more-ah these games until Theo and Belichick staht making the right decisions. Why did we trade Bledsoe? We could have had a good fackin’ backup QB right now.

Tommy: I know! We should run those teams, HouseO! We ahhh so much smahtah!!!

HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.

Tommy: Gawddamn right. LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THE TITANS WIN A SUPAH BOWL! OR THE RAYS WIN A WARLD SERIES! Those ahh ratings killahs! NO ONE DENIES THIS! New teams should nevah get a chance to win, and help develop new fans, BECAUSE NEW FANS AHHHN’T TRUE FANS!

HouseO: Hey, let’s get togethah far beer-ahs latah and tawk about how this loss rates against the fackin’ Bucknah game. I nevah get tired of that.

Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!

HouseO: Sounds like a plan to me.

Tommy: HouseO, yar my best friend. NO FANBASE IS MORE-AH TIGHTLY KNIT THAN OW-UHS! OW-UH FRIENDSHIPS AHH BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S FRIENDSHIPS!

And if you don’t agree with HouseO and I, than yar prawbably some faggot Partah Rican Yankee fan. SO FACK YOU IN YAR MAHHHHDRE’S BIG BROWN ASSHOLE!

Lonely Sox fan pic courtesy of Deadspin.