Well, well, well! Hee-ah we ahhh, at the end of the season, and that faggot Rawjah Goodell has some serious facking explaining to do to the TAWMSTAH! To think, these amazing Paytree-uts AND THE DIEHAHHHD FANS OF CELTIC NATION could get fackin’ shut out of the fackin’ playawffs even if they win 11 games. WHAT THE FACK?!

THE FACKIN’ NAWT FAY-UH LEAGUE STRIKES AGAIN!

(tucks entire pack of Red Man in left cheek)

I have wawtched this team from the very beginning of Week 10, commisionah! And let me tell you something, yah fackin’ CAWKLICKAH! You will nawt find a more-ah gritty, gutty, GRUTTY team! NO ONE DENIES THIS! How can you deny this scrappy, scruffy, scraffy awganization they-ah rightful due with a playawff spawt? THIS IS A FACKIN’ CRIME WARSE THAN ANY CRIME COMMITTED BY ANY DAHHHKIE EVAH!

(flexes triceps for no reason)

LOOK AT THESE FACKIN’ TRIS! MY FACKIN’ GARLFRIEND WAHHHSHIPS THESE!

The Pats have earned they-ah way into these playawffs! You tell me anothah team that could suhvive the lawss of Tawmmy Brady – ONLY THE GREATEST QB IN FACKIN’ HISTORY, YOU FACKIN’ DICKSIPPAH! – and still beat underrated opponents like the Raidahs, and the Cahhhhdinals, and the Rams! NO OTHAH TEAM IN THE FACKIN’ LEAGUE IS IN THEY-AH STRATOSFEE-AH!!!

When I think of awl that we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, have had to suffah through this yee-ah, I am flabbahghasted! NO OTHAH FANBASE COULD SURVIVE THIS! THAT’S A FACT! You think back to Septembah. Only these GREAT BEANTOWN fans could lift a team like this to whey-ah they-ah ahhh now. In any othah town, this team goes 5-11. It took all my rooting powah just to get them to this point. It has drained awl my fackin’ enahgy! So much so that I cannot tawnt my buddy JackZ about the Sabathia signing as much as I would like! HA HA YOU NEW YARK FAGGOTS SIGNED A FACKIN’ FATASS PITCHAH! WE TOTALLY DIDN’T WAWNT HIM! THEO EPSTEIN IS THE SMAHTEST MAN IN AMERICA! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(chokes dog)

I’ll tell you what this fackin’ is. It is yet anothah conspiracy by the nawt fay-uh league! They go out of they-ah way to make life as easy as pawssible far thah Dolphins, Jets, Bills, Titans, Steelahs, Browns, Bengals, Ravens, Colts, Jagwahhs, Texans, Raidahhs, Chiefs, Chahhhjahhs, Brawncos, Vikings, Bay-uhs, Packahhs, Lions, Giants, Eagles, Cowboys, Redskins, Rams, Cahhdinals, Seahawwwwks, Farty Ninahs, Bucs, Falcons, Saints, and Panthahhhhhhs!!!! IT’S SO TRANSPARENT! THEY AHHH FAVAHHING AWL THE OTHAH TEAMS!

(twirls around defensive lacrosse stick)

WAWTCH ME CRADLE!

I know why this is. The League knows that, if the Pats gawt in, they would clee-ahly run the table. Who would they play in Round 1? Those faggots from Denvah? Easy win! Then they go to Tennessee? THAT TEAM IS NAWT PREPAY-UHED TO HANDLE A BELICHICK D IN THE PLAYAWFFS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

Then they get Pittsburgh? I feel like they could win that game by at least farty points! The league knows this. That is why they arranged the playawff system like this all those yee-ahs ago! SPECIFICALLY TO SHUT US OUT THIS YEE-AH! And that’s why they sent Ryan Clahhhk to cheap shawt my beloved WELKAHHH! Liitle do they know he’s MADE OF STEEL! YOU CAN’T HURT THE UNHURTABLE!

He’s as hahhhd as the streets I wawk on! THAT WAS A DIRTY HIT! WES EASED UP BEFORE-AH THE WHISTLE BLEW AND DIDN’T KEEP HIS HEAD UP! THAT MEANS HE GETS SPECIAL PROTECTION! Did you see him make that snow angel yestahday? It gawt me all choked up! WE MUST PROTECT THE INNOCENT!

(urinates on nearby car)

This playawff system needs to be fixed! You know a playawff is facked when the Colts get in and the Pats don’t! That Colts team is lucky to be 11-4! They ahhh only 27 plays away from being 0-15! It’s so obvious to anyone who knows footbawll! THEY SACK! Only the Pats don’t need luck to win. Everyone else only wins because it’s a fluke! Like the Giants last yee-ah! That Tyree catch was pure luck! Extending yar bawdy to catch the bawl, and then secure it against yar helmet while absorbing a blow from the defendah? THAT’S THE VERY DEFINITION OF LUCKY!

It’s clee-uh what has to happen hee-ah. The playawff system must be rejiggahed! BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IT IS JIGGAHED! Farst awff, no mar Colts in the playawffs. EVAH! Secondly, the entrants should be determined by a Blue Ribbon council headed by myself, TAWMMY FROM QUINZEE, along with various Bawston people who KNOW WAY MAR ABOUT SPARTS THAN YOU DO! FAGGOT! Like thah Chahhjahhs could evah beat the Pats! What a joke!

(pulls sink out of wall)

That way, we can avoid a season as tainted as this one. If the Pats do nawt make the playawffs, it’ll be the greatest injustice of ow-uh time! That Super Bowl winnah will nawt be legit! NO ONE WANTS THIS TO HAPPEN! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ TEABAGGAHS!

Okay, assholes. You think you can just fucking unfairly stereotype a Jersey fan like myself and get the fuck away wit it? THAT’S WHERE YOU’RE WRONG, AM I RIGHT?

(sits on hood of car)

First off, I am NOT from fucking Rockaway. Okay? I’m clearly from Nutley, or Essex, or some other part of Upper Central Eastern Northern Middle New Jersey. IS THAT NOT FUCKING CLEAR TO YOUS? You can’t just lump all Jerseyites together like dat. Every town in Jersey contains its very own distinct tribe of people wit its own unique blend of cultures and customs. We’re like the Africa of states, except we don’t have as many n—-rs. AM I RIGHT?

(grabs dick)

Furthuhmore, the fan you described yestuhday was CLEARLY a Jets fan. Everyone knows dat. I’m a Giant fan, okay? I don’t threaten to rape women in the ass, like Jet fans do. I threaten to kick them in the tits. Big difference. You should know dat. Jets fans are the ones who have no sense of class or decorum. Like remembuh the time the Saints had their game moved to Giants stadium, and all the fans were taunting them about having their homes flooded? Those were obviously Jet fans dressed as Giant fans. AGAIN, TRYING TO SHAME THE NFL’S FLAGSHIP FRANCHISE.

(contorts face into permanent half-smirk)

Bro, bro, bro, bro. And Sanremo Pizza? You really think Giant fans eat dere, bro? PATHETIC. Everyone knows we eat at Paradiso. BEST FUCKING ITALIAN SUBS IN ALL OF NORTH JERSEY. I beat you don’t even know where it is. Do you know? I can tell you where it is. Just take the Garden State. You got EZ Pass? You need EZ Pass. Do you have EZ Pass? No? You’re a faggot.

(grabs dick again, folds NY Post at Hondo section and tuck it under arm)

All’s I’m sayin’ is dat you got it wrong. You clearly know nothing about anything. As opposed to myself, who knows everything about everything. Like these shoes. You see dese shoes? I got a fucking DEAL AND A HALF on dese shoes. And I was gonna tell you where I got dem, BUT NOW I FUCKING WON’T. You are a FUCKING FAGGOT. And if I see you in my town, I SWEAR TUH GOD I WILL FUCKING BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH A BICYCLE CHAIN. YOU HEAR ME?

(door flies open)

Tommy: HOW FACKIN’ DAY-UH YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT BEIN’ STEREOTYPED, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT! We, the proud fans of Celtic Nation, have been stereotyped fahhhhh longah than you! WE EARNED THIS STEREOTYPE! YOU HAVEN’T HAD TO SUFFAH LIKE WE HAVE!

Mickey: You got a fucking problem, assfuck?

Tommy: I sure FACKIN’ do! I’LL FACK YOU AND THEN JIZZ ON YOUR FAT SLUT GARLFRIEND’S EYEBROWS!

Mickey: Try it! I know many violent Italians who will fucking STRANGLE YOUS!

Tommy: Yeah? Well, I bench 225!

Mickey: 235.

Tommy: I gawt this tattoo of Sylvester raping Tweety Bird!

Mickey: I GOT A FUCKING TATTOO OF ME FUCKING YOUR MOTHUH!

Tommy: Yeah, well yar mawm’s a DAHHHHKIE!

Mickey: AND YOUR MOM’S A FUCKING SPIC!

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Mickey: FUCK YOUS! All’s I’m sayin’ is, FUCK BOSTON. AM I RIGHT!

Tommy: No! You AHHHHHH WRAWNGGGG!! DIE!

Mickey: Yo yo yo, WATCH THE FUCKING HAIR!

Tommy: I WOULD SO FACKIN’ FIGHT YOU RIGHT NOW IF I DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TAKE A SHIT.

Mickey: Then it’s a date. My fist and your sorry ass!

Tommy: Mahhhhhk it. Finally, everyone will know that BAWSTON FANS AHHH THE MOST IMPARTANT FANS IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Mickey: Fine. But let’s go to a shitty nightclub first and grab girls by their cunts.

Tommy: Okay.

This week, we’re holding the second annual KsK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House, which helps build temp housing for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Ryan: Phew! Thank God the NFL didn’t fine me for that hit last week. It’s nice to see cooler heads prevail at the league office, and that they realize now there’s a difference between playing hard and playing dirty. I’m just gonna keep on playing the way I play.

(doorbell rings)

Hmm. That’s funny. I don’t remember ordering takeout or anything like that.

(unlatches door)

Who’s there?

(door flies open)

(more…)

You fackin’ Tennessee faggots have gawt some fackin’ narve! Just one yee-ah after my beloved Paytreeuts take they-ah rightful place on footbawl lor-ah by going 16-0, you facks have the bawls to try and go undefeated too! WHO THE FACK DO YOU THINK YOU AHHHH?!!

(drinks 56 oz. can of Joose)

Like you’d even stand a fackin’ chance against the legendary 2007 Pats jugguhnut! Quite pawssibly the greatest team in NFL history! The Pats would beat that team by at least farty seven points. NO ONE DENIES THIS! Who’s gonna defend Welkahhhh? Fackin’ Cartland Finnegan? THAT DAHKIE ISN’T REAL IRISH LIKE THE FACKIN’ TAWMSTAH IS!

(shows off 666 shamrock tattoo on back of neck)

THIS ONE’S FAR MY ANCESTAHS! TOP O THAH FACKIN’ MARNIN TO YAH, YOU CAWKHANDLAHS!

(puts on Timberland boots)

Like these boots? THESE AH MY DAHKIE-STAWMPIN’ BOOTS!

And these fackin’ Titan fans. What a joke. YOU PEOPLE DO NAWT DESERVE TO HAVE AN UNDEFEATED TEAM. Where’s yar fackin’ history? Did you evah chee-ah far Larry fackin’ Bird when you were-ah a kid, like I did? THEN YOU AHHN’T AS GOOD AT BEING SPARTS FANS AS WE AHHHH!!! Ow-uh team has been around longah, and that makes us bettah! EVERYONE KNOWS THAT FACKIN’ BAWSTON FANS ROOT HAHHDAH THAN ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU COONCAP-WEARIN’ SHITBAWXES!

Fackin’ jawnny come lately fans, you facks. If you don’t root far the Pats, then you don’t really undahstand what football is all about! YOU AHH CLEARLY JUST BANDWAGON FANS! Not like me. The only reason I sold off my season tickets aftah Tawmmy Brady went down was so I could get these calf implants! Fackin’ look!

(flexes calves)

These ahh pussy-getting’ calves!

I just have to laugh, because it’s clee-ah to anyone who knows this game that thah Titans will suffah come playawff time! You cannawt win in thah playawffs if yar fans ahh nawt on pahhhhh with the legendary Bawston faithful. You watch. If the Pats play the Titans in the playawffs, THAT NASHVILLE STADIUM WILL BE 99% RED SAWX FANS! We love nothing more-ah than going to other stadiums and telling people HOW FACKIN’ AWESOME THE SAWX AHHH! Jeff Fishah’s team won’t stand a chance!

(texts rape threat to ex-girlfriend)

Once again, the fackin’ Pats will triumph. And if we lose, it will be because the Titans clearly gawt lucky, ar becawse the refs facked us, ar becawse farces from the spirit warld deprived us of a victory in arder to keep America fascinated with the awngoing starryline of what it means to be a REAL BAWSTON FAN! SACK ON THAT!

NO MATTER HOW IT TURNS OUT, YOU WILL NAWT BE THE MAIN STARRY! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT SOME FAGGOT NON-BEANTOWN TEAM! You ahh nawt compelling, like we ahhh! THIS IS THE TRUTH!

(puts on cutoff sweatshirt)

So enjoy losing in the playawffs, Titans. Or winning a tainted Supah Bowl! Then enjoy overpaying for Matty Cassel in the awffseason! EVERYONE KNOWS HE’LL TANK WITHOUT OW-UH SUPPART BEHIND HIM! THAT NO GOOD FAGGOT FACK!

THE 2007 PATS WILL ALWAYS BE THE REAL UNDEFEATED TEAM! YOU AHH JUST IMPAWSTAHS! GO CELTIC NATION!

FACK YOU, AMERICA! If you love dahhkies mar than you love the fackin’ Sawx and Pats, then you ahhh nawt true America fans! This could be ow-uh dahhhkest ow-uh! Adam Vineteiri, you ahhh a fackin’ traitah!!!

No one wants some dahhkie Chicawgo fan in chahhge! Chicawgo fans don’t have the rooting powuh of the LEGENDARY fackin’ Baston faithful! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Papelbawn should have run! Paaaapelbawn!

(puts entire pack of Red Man in mouth)

(smokes thirty Parliaments simultaneously)

(drinks gallon of vodka and Hawaiian Punch)

(cranks Three Doors Down album)

(gets Yosemite Sam tattoo on quadricep)

(throws garbage can through tenement window)

(attaches wallet chain to belt loop)

FAAACK YOOOOOU!!!! CELTIC NATION WILL FARM ITS OWN COUNTRY, YOU FACKS!

You fackin’ faggot Bawston hatahs out they-ah ahh prawbably havin’ a big ol’ laugh right now, ahhhn’t yah? Yeah, you think it’s real fackin’ funny to see REAL FANS suffah through what we, the incredible fans of fackin’ Celtic Nation, have had to endure far-ah the last far-ah months. WELL, FACK YOU! YOU AHH NAWT REAL FANS! YOU CAN GO GET FACKED!

(opens tin of Copenhagen)

Oh, these ahh very dahk times, my friends! Dahkkah than that dahkie I hit with a beer-ah mug last week! Fack that culluhed guy. He wanted to play some jiggaboo rap sawng on the fackin’ jukebawx, but I set him straight. THIS IS A STAIND AND STONE SOWAH TOWN, YOU FACKIN’ TAHHHH BABY!

(pulls hood ornament off of nearby Cadillac)

To think that we fans have been farced to go four-ah months without winning a single title. HAS ANY TOWN EVAH HAD TO ENDURE SUCH A DROUGHT?! IT’S NAWT FAY-UH! If you watched that fackin’ Sawx-Rays series, you know damn well which fanbase deserved to win! These fackin’ Rays fans. YOU FACKS HAVE NO HISTORY! YOU JUST BAWT THAT CAP, YOU FACKS! I’ve had the same Sawx hat far nearly 4 yee-uhs now! Look at the sweat stains awn it! This hat has been through the waaaahs! Tell me we didn’t deserve it more-ah! YOU TAMPA FAGGOTS COULDN’T BRING YAR TEAM BACK FROM 3-1! ONLY WE COULD DO THAT!

IF YOU WERE-AH REAL BASEBALL FANS, YOU’D BE SAWX FANS! EVERYONE KNOWS THIS!

(flexes lat muscles)

That’s the thing you Bawston-hating faggots don’t undahstand about thah great Bawston fans. We cay-uh more-ah. So when ow-uh team loses, it hurts us more-ah than it could evah hurt you. I FEEL THIS LOSS DEEP IN MY HAHHHHT. That’s why the Sawx and Pats should win every yee-ah. It’s mar impartant to us than it is to you! First we get the Supah Bawl loss, and now this? With only one title in between? NAME ME A FANBASE THAT HAS SUFFAHED MORE-AH! We’re so used to winning titles, that it hurts us even more-ah when we lose. You facks don’t appreciate losses thah way we do! THOSE AHH REAL STOMACH PUNCHES, YOU FACKIN’ FACKS!

(cell phone rings)

Oh wait, that’s my friend HouseO. After a tough loss, we always call each othah to tawk about it. NO OTHAH TEAM’S FAN DO THIS! HouseO!!!!

HouseO: I’m fackin’ done with these teams, Tommy.

Tommy: I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! We cay-uh so much, and I don’t think these teams appreciate that! Ahh you still at the game?

HouseO: Oh yeah. It’s like, 98% Sawx fans hee-ah. And I think even the Rays fans secretly wanted us to win.

Tommy: SEE? You should disquawlified if you can’t fill yar stadium with true fans like we can!

HouseO: I’m just ovah these teams, Tawmmy. You gawt the Sawx letting us down. And then you got Matt fackin’ Cassel fackin’ up the Pats. It’s a fackin’ joke. We ahh too good a group of fans to have to put up with this shit. I’m nawt going to any more-ah Red Sawx or-ah Pats games until they ahhh ready to staht winning again.

Tommy: I know what you mean! I’M FACKIN’ DISGUSTED! We should nawt chee-ah far these teams again until they’ve won something far us. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH THAH BEST FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WARLD AND WE DESERVE IT!

HouseO: Fackin’ right. Othah teams fans stay away from the stadium becawse they ahhh so fay-uh weathahh…

Tommy: But when we stay away, it’s becawse we cay-uh TOO MUCH TO SEE OW-UH TEAMS LIKE THAT!

HouseO: Exactly. I’m nawt going to any more-ah these games until Theo and Belichick staht making the right decisions. Why did we trade Bledsoe? We could have had a good fackin’ backup QB right now.

Tommy: I know! We should run those teams, HouseO! We ahhh so much smahtah!!!

HouseO: I also just feel like, football and baseball just ahhhn’t as good when the Sawx and Pats ahhn’t winning. I think a whole spart suffahs when Bawston fans ahhn’t they-ah to help pick it up.

Tommy: Gawddamn right. LIKE ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THE TITANS WIN A SUPAH BOWL! OR THE RAYS WIN A WARLD SERIES! Those ahh ratings killahs! NO ONE DENIES THIS! New teams should nevah get a chance to win, and help develop new fans, BECAUSE NEW FANS AHHHN’T TRUE FANS!

HouseO: Hey, let’s get togethah far beer-ahs latah and tawk about how this loss rates against the fackin’ Bucknah game. I nevah get tired of that.

Tommy: And then let’s go punch a Jap in the cawk!

HouseO: Sounds like a plan to me.

Tommy: HouseO, yar my best friend. NO FANBASE IS MORE-AH TIGHTLY KNIT THAN OW-UHS! OW-UH FRIENDSHIPS AHH BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S FRIENDSHIPS!

And if you don’t agree with HouseO and I, than yar prawbably some faggot Partah Rican Yankee fan. SO FACK YOU IN YAR MAHHHHDRE’S BIG BROWN ASSHOLE!

Lonely Sox fan pic courtesy of Deadspin.

Dee-ah Rawjah Fackin’ Goddell,

It is my-ah understanding that you have nawt suspended the remaindah of games on the 2008 NFL schedule. WHAT THAH FACK AHH YOU WAITING FAR, YOU REDHEADED FACK?!

The events of last Sunday have cast dahhhhk cloud on the entiah NFL. It’s a very dahk cloud: dahkkah than the dahhkest dahhkie that has evah rawbbed a lickah stare! AND THAT’S PRETTY FACKING DAHK!

(cranks POD album)

I cannot see how you can allow league play to continue in light of this incredible facking tragedy. We, the legendary Baston fans, ahhh suffaring! DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU NEW YARK FAGGOT?! This is the warst tragedy of ow-uh times. It’s fahhh warse than that 9/11 shit. Sure-ah, those camelfackahs killed lawts of people, but they also took out a shitload of faggot Yankee fans, AND NO TEARS NEED TO BE SHED OVAH THAT!

(puts entire tin of Kodiak in top lip and entire tin of Skoal in bottom lip)

This terrible injury that has befallen the great Tawmmy Brady is the worst thing that has ever happened in ow-uh lifetimes, BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO BASTON FANS! WE DIDN’T DESERVE TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO US! WE AHHH THE GREATEST FANS IN THE FACKING WORLD, AND WE DESERVE BOTH YOUR-AH ADMIRATION AND YOUR-AH PITY!

(does a 2×20 set of bicep curls on barstool))

That is why, far thah good of us Baston fans, and they-ahfor-ah, far thah good of thah whole warld, you must suspend the rest of this NFL season. The league clearly cannot function if the Pats ahh nawt they-ah fackin’ dawminant selves! CAN’T YOU FACKIN’ SEE THAT! No TRUE football fan would evah want that to happen! You must suspend the games, and play next season with these commemorative patches on every facking jersey!

Your-ah league cannot go on without Tawm Brady! ESPN said so! That’s like the NBA trying to go on without LARRY FACKING BIRD! And look how that turned out! No basketbawl fan wants to see some carnrowed dahkie jungle up the game!

(puts on Bird jersey with no undershirt)

And what kinda facking team would accept thah facking Lombahhhdi Trophy if they did nawt beat the Pats to win it? THAT WOULD NAWT BE A LEGITIMATE CHAMPIONSHIP! IT SHOULD HAVE A FACKIN’ ASTERISK! ASTERISK! ASTERISK!

WE ALL KNOW THAH FACKIN’ PATS WOULD HAVE DAWMINATED THIS YEE-AH IF BRADY HAD STAYED HEALTHY! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Do you really wawnt ot have a league way-uh a team othah than the Pats wins a title? I THINK NAWT! THAT WOULDN’T BE RIGHT!

(spits on immigrant)

If you play these games, you ahhh showing us Baston fans great disrespect! We’ll nevah get ovah it! I may have to punch at least a dozen South Americans just to feel bettah!!! How could you live with yarself, YOU FACK!

Tommy Sr.: Tawmmy!

Dad?

Tommy Sr.: Thah fack ahh you doin’?

I’m writing a fackin’ lettah!

Tommy Sr.: What ahh you, a fackin’ faggot? “Ooh look at me! I write fackin’ lattahs I’m like Nat fackin’ Hahhhhtharn!” Get me a fackin’ scawtch and join yar 12 brothahs and 13 sistahs with me at thah bah, yah little quee-ah!!

Okay, Dad! Yar the best Dad evah! Remember when we used to go to Pats games when I was a kid? OW-UH YOUTH WAS BETTAH THAN ANYONE ELSE’S YOUTH!

Tommy Sr.: You fackin’ hated the Pats when you were-ah a kid. Fack you, yah little faggot. I wish your whore-ah of a mothah had used a gawddman diaphragm. YOU KIDS AHH USING MY DRINKING MONEY! GET FACKED!

Yeah? Well FACK YOU OLD MAN! I’m my own fackin’ man now! I gawt three jawb applications out they-ah! LOTTA IRONS IN THE FAIH!!!!

Tommy Sr.: Leave me alone, you little facking shit. I WISH I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE MY GAWDDAMN LOBSTAH BOAT.

Gawd, yah gawtta love my Dad, don’t yah, Commish?! Anyway, stawp playing these facking games. No one wants to see a Bradyless NFL. Besides, THE FACKIN’ SAWX COULD STILL WIN THE EAST! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

Fack you and your-ahs,

Tommy

Photoshop by 289.

UPDATE: Look who threw a big pity party today.

Al: Welcome back to another NFL season everyone. Alongside John Madden, I’m Al Michaels. A great one tonight. A EE-YUGE NFC East matchup between the Washington Redskins, and the improbable Super Bowl champion New York Giants, who made that amazing, memorable run to the title last January. We have a new sideline reporter this season, who’ll be telling us about what’s going on to the field. Let’s throw it down to…

What’s this guy’s name?

Tommy: WHAT THE FACK AH YOU FACKS DOING WATCHING FOOTBAWL RIGHT NOW WHEN THE FACKIN’ SAWX AHH OVAH ON FACKIN’ NESN! EVERY TV IN THE BAHHHH SHOULD BE ON THE FACKIN’ SAWX RIGHT NOW!!!! FACKIN’ JERRY REMY IS GREATEST FACKIN’ BRAWDCASTAH IN THE HISTORY OF SPARTS! CAN WE ALL AGREE ON THIS RIGHT FACKING NOW?

Al: Did he just say fack?

Tommy: FACK YOU! Why is this game the season openah?! No one is giving the fackin’ Paytree-uts the prawpah respect they fackin’ deserve aftah goin’ 18-1, WHICH NO TEAM HAS EVAH DONE EVAH FACK YOU ETERNALLY!

THESE NEW YARK FAGGOTS GAWT FACKING LUCKY! THE CROWD AT FAWXBURROW WOULD HAVE MADE THIS FAR-AH MORE-AH OF A REAL SPARTS EVENT! THIS IS JOONYAH VAHHHSITY SHIT!

(cranks POD album)

Al: I think this is a completely farcical reporter.

Tommy: FACK YOU, YA BAY AREA CAWKSACKAH!!!!!!!!!!

Well well well, here we ahhhh poised far anathah fackin’ awtumn of Sawx and Pats dawminance. You fackin’ faggots in New Yark ah about to get yar fackin’ comeuppance! I can’t fackin’ wait to…

What’s this?

“Jawn Lynch Visits With Pats.”

Oh my gawd!

Oh my fackin’ GAWD!

(runs and buys 75 John Lynch jerseys)

HAS THEY-AH EVAH BEEN A TRUAH FACKIN’ PATRIOT THAN JAWN FACKIN’ LYNCH?!

They-ah is just fackin’ something about that guy. He’s gawt ow-uh fackin wark ethic! He’s a blue cawllah guy, just like me and my buddy Fitzy from Maaaaarbulhead! Sure, he’s been a Buc and Brawnco his whole career. But I’ve always felt in my haaaaht the fackin’ Pats ahhh the team he’s belawnged on. In fact, you Tampa and Denvah fans didn’t deserve him! You didn’t appreciate him the way that we will! You took ow-uh beloved Jown Lynch far granted!

SO FACK YOU! HE’S PAHHHT OF BAWSTON SPARTS FOLKLAHHH NOW!

I’m gonna name my fackin’ next illegitimate kid Jawn Lynchpatrick Varitek Welkah O’Leary! No joke! No mar third trimester abartions for my garlfriend! This time, I feel like I have a reason to keep that fetus around!

Come to fackin’ Beantown, Jawn Lynch. You’ve always belawnged hee-yah! The fans in those othah bullshit towns ahh nawt true fans! They don’t appreciate yar scrappy, gritty, lunchpail, no-nonsense, rugged, non-dahkie attitude. BUT WE SURE AS FACK WILL!

COME BE THE NEW ENGLAND HERO YOU WERE-AH ALWAYS MEANT TO BE!

Adam Clanton: It’s a glorious Tuesday afternoon, everyone! This is the Adam Clanton Experience on Sports Talk 610, official radio home of your Houston Texans. The sun’s shining, the weather is nice, and it’s great day to talk some Texans football. Training camp is underway, and we wanna hear from you! What do you think of the Texans this year? Can Matt Schaub stay healthy? Can Andre Johnson bounce back? Let’s take some calls. Bobby! You’re on Sports Talk 610 with Adam Clanton.

Bobby: Howdy Adam, I wanted to know what you thought of young hussy Jessica Simpson doing those stripteases online for Tony Romo! Is that really the way for a young lady to act?

Adam Clanton: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Looks like we got a Cowboy fan in our midst! Sorry. Bobby. But this is a Texans station. This is a COWBOY FREE ZONE! Am I right people? Let’s flush Bobby and move on to Billy Joe! Billy Joe, what do you think of the Texans?

Billy Joe: Hey Adam, longtime Cowboy fan here. Real long time fan. And I wanted to know if Pacman Jones will be…

Adam Clanton: Looks like Billy Joe missed the memo! Again people, we’re talking Houston Texans football. C’mon, everyone! We’ve got DeMeco Ryans and Mario Williams up front! Potential top ten defense! Let’s go to Bobby Earl. Bobby Earl, what do you think of the D this year?

Bobby Earl: Say, did you know that Barack Obama’s middle name is HOO-SANE? Just like Saddam’s? Barack HOO-SANE Obama? Kinda makes you think, dudn’t it? I don’t want no HOO-SANE runnin’ this country!

Adam Clanton: Sorry Bobby Earl, but again, we’re talking about the Texans. Let’s try the phones again. Sorry folks, we just don’t seem to be screening very well today. Let’s go to Bobby Billy Ray. Bobby Billy Ray, what do you say?

Bobby Billy Ray: It is TIME to trade Tracy McGrady! What has that jackass ever won for Clutch Citay???

Adam Clanton: It’s not even the Rockets’ season. Look, people. I keep trying to tell you, we’re here to talk about the Texans in this segment. THIS IS THE OFFICIAL TEXANS STATION! Come on, man! Gimme something to work with! Let’s go to… who’s this? Tommy?

Tommy: WHY THE FACK AHH YOU TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FACKIN’ TEXANS WHEN MY BELOVED RED SAWX JUST TRADED THE FACKIN’ HAAAAHT AND SOUL OF THEIR BATTING ORDAAH TO THOSE FAGGOTS IN LOS ANGELES, YOU FACK?!

Adam Clanton: What?

Tommy: You fackin’ faggots down they-ah aw nawt givin’ the Sawx they-ah fackin’ due! No one cay-uhs about yah stupid fackin’ Texans! Awl anyone wants to tawk about right now is the Manny trade. NO ONE DENIES THIS. GET YAR FACKIN’ PRIARITIES STRAIGHT!

Adam Clanton: You’re from Boston? Why are you calling a Houston station?

Tommy: BECAUSE YOU FAGGOTS DON’T TAWK ABOUT THE SAWX ENOUGH! I listen to every fackin’ station in this country to make shoo-ah ow-uh Sawx are getting the prawpah amount of coverage! Now you tell me: HOW THE FACK CAN THEO EPSTEIN JUSTIFY TRADING A .300 HITTAH FAH FACKIN’ JASON BAY?! He can’t even hit .300 in the fackin’ NL! And the fackin’ NL all-staaaahs couldn’t even beat the Paw Sawx!

Adam Clanton: We’re not here to talk about Manny Ramirez.

Tommy: FACK YOU! I am still nawt ovah this trade! So many mixed emotions. Manny was like a crazy garlfriend. Sure, you fought with her-ah, and maybe you kicked her-ah in the cunt a few times, but she still blew you that one time in the shittah at Daisy Buchanan’s, and you nevah forgawt that moment! Sure-ah, he was Manny, BUT HE WAS OW-UH MANNY. I remembah the first time I heard we had traded far him. We were-ah so young back then…

Adam Clanton: Hold on. You’re not going to go into a clichéd nostalgic Red Sox fan story on this station.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: What is that word? Are you saying “fack”? Do I need to use the delay button here? What does that mean?

Tommy: IT MEANS I’LL FACK YAH SISTAH! You need to tawk about this trade more-ah! I’ve tawked about it with everyone I know: my priest, my bishop, my Caaaaahdinal. I can’t believe Manny was traded to home of the FACKIN’ LAKAHS!!!!

Adam Clanton: Okay, I’ve had just about enough.

Tommy: Still, ya gawtta love what Dustin Pedroiah is doing far us!!!

Adam Clanton: Cut him off, Lou.

Tommy: FACK YOU!

Adam Clanton: Is he gone? Thank god. Let’s try and get back on track. Does anyone here wanna talk some Texans football? Let’s go to Jerral. Jerral, whaddaya got?

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW! MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! YOUR TEAM MAY AS WELL BE PLAYING IN FUCKING ICELAND, QUEERBOY! LEMME ASK YOU, SON: YOU EVER SEEN CHARLES HALEY SHOOT A JELLY ROPE INTO TROY AIKMAN’S EYE WHEN HE WASN’T LOOKING? ‘CAUSE I HAVE, AND IT’S QUITE A SIGHT TO SEE! WAAAHOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

Adam Clanton: Oh, god dammit.