Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is that fack gawnna make his decision? How’d he get tris like that? I do the tricep press every day, but Tawmmy still has the best triggahs south of Revee-ahh!”

(wears cutout sweatshirt in July)

Well, I’m hee-ahh today to tell you I have given this lawts of thawt! And aftah thinking it ovahhhh, and aftah slapping that camelfackah outside the Store-ah 24-ah, I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE! Bring out HouseO!

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Well, well, well! It’s the NBA Finals tonight, and look who just happens to be pahhhhticipating FAR THE MILLIONTH TIME! That’s right! It’s ow-ah beloved basketball Red Sawx, ONLY THE FINEST NONBASEBALL FRANCHISE IN BAWSTON SPARTS HISTORY!

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Gisele Bündchen’s most prized accessory will reportedly be named as the 23rd coolest man in America by GQ. Brady–a three-time GQ cover boy–was deemed cooler than Demetri Martin, but less so than the star of Bored to Death, who is quite possibly the show’s third coolest regular cast member.

And now for some in depth analysis of the top 23, let’s check in with our correspondent in Quincy.

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Nomah! Nomah has left the yahhhhhd! You facks cannawt pawssibly undahstand what he meant to the great citizens of NONDAHKIE NATION!

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Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!

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Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!

(spits randomly)

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