Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!

(spits randomly)

You let us down, Pedro. You were-ah pitchin’ far the awn-ah of Sawx Nation! AND YOU FAILED US! This is the warst thing that has evah happened to US! You Philly jizzlawbbahs were-ah supposed to stawp the Evil Empiah so that we, the LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX NATION, could be happy! That’s what America wawnted! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sits on chair backwards, folds arms over top and flexes)

Then again, I figyahhhed this would happen. I knew Pedro would let us down before-ah I even knew it, if that makes sense! THAT’S JUST HOW CLAY-AHVOYANT I AM! You see, even a pitchah of Pedro’s calibah isn’t anyway-ah near-ah as effective without THE SUPPART OF THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FANS BEHIND HIM! I was they-ah when he pitched far us! It was special. IF YOU WEREN’T THEY-AH, YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND! Pedro knew he couldn’t let us down! And we knew he’d come through far us! That’s why his fastball was at least 30 mph FASTAH at Fenway! CHECK THE RADAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(phone rings)

Hey, that’s my friend BawbbyO! HE’S FAGGOT NEW YARK FAN! AND HE HAS A NICE JAWB! ALL MY FRIENDS AHHHH WELL OFF AND VERY PRAWSPEROUS!

(answers phone)

HEYYYYYYYYYYY FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Ah, another Yanks championship. Everything is as it should be. Lucky number 27, baby.

Tommy: FACK YOU! FACK YOU! YOU GAWT LUCKY AND YOU KNOW IT! You gawt to play a fackin’ National League team to win it all! The National League is inferiah becawse the Sawx ahhhh nawt in it! SHEE-AH LUCK, JUST LIKE TYREE’S CATCH, WHICH WAS ALSO LUCKY! YOU AHHH NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF CHEATAHS!

BawbbyO: No, you’re the cheaters.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!!

BawbbyO: No, you are.

Tommy: No, you ahhhhh!!! This bantah we have is HILARIOUS! People should listen to it, because we rib each othah in such manly fashion! YOU FAGGOT!

BawbbyO: Let’s not fight. Remember the time we went to Vegas?

Tommy: I DO! WE DRANK AND STAYED UP LATE! OTHAH PEOPLE IN THE CASINO WERE-AH AMAZED BY OW-AH ABILITY TO DO THIS!

BawbbyO: Let’s just enjoy the fact that the media sucks our extremely unlikable team’s dicks more than any other, and revel in the shared attention!

Tommy: Good idea! You should come to my man cave, BawbbyO! I have a fackin’ shitload of TVs, and I told my cunt garlfriend to nevah come in with ow-ah stupid baby, or else I’ll knee her in her fackin’ bawx.

BawbbyO: Then she’d have a Boston Red Box.

Tommy: BAHAHAHAHA! GAWDDAMN RIGHT! RED BAWX NATION! WOMEN AHHH FACKIN’ STUPID, AND NOWHERE NEAR AS COOL AS US!

Seriously though, BawbbyO, this one hurts! Everyone was pulling far the Phils to win far the glory of RED SAWX NATION! And they let us down! We may nevah be the same again! It is up to the Pats to give us redemption! If Belichick coaches the Sawx this yee-ah, they nevah lose! FACKIN’ TERRY FRANCONA KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT BASEBAWL! I WATCH BASEBAWL EVERY WEEKEND! LET’S SEE OTHAH FANS DO THAT!

(cranks Sublime album)

FACKIN’ SUBLIME!

I guess we Bawston fans will just have to take sawlace in the Pats and Celts winning it awl YET AGAIN. BUT I’D TRADE IT ALL IN HAHHHHHTBEAT TO WATCH THAT FAGGOT A-RAWD GO DOWN!

BawbbyO: Isn’t that kind of stupid?

Tommy: YOU’RE kind of stupid! Asshole! Buy all the titles you want! No one likes yar team! The Sawx will always be #1 in America’s hahhhhts! AND THE GIANTS AHHHH SECRETLY TERRIBLE AT PASS DEFENSE! ONLY I KNOW THIS. YANKEE GIANTS SACK! YANKEE GIANTS SACK!

Well, well, well! Looks like the National FAGGOT League has it in far Patriot Nation once again! You faggots in the New Yark League Headquahhhtahs thought you could get one ovah on us! BUT NEVAH UNDAHESTIMATE THE POWAH OF RED SAWX NATION TO FARCE SOME ASSHOLE FROM FACKIN’ BUFFALO TO COUGH UP THE BALL WITH THREE MINUTES TO GO!

(orders Snakebite at bar)

Oh, you tried to FACK us, NFaggotL, but you couldn’t! You know damn well that hit by Vince Wilfark, and that othah hit by Whatshisdahkieface Thomas were clean! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Those were-ah clean, hahhhd, Welkerian hits! They ahhh a reflection of ow-uh cultahhh! We wark hahhd! We play hahhhd! And we fack hahhhhd!

(puts on Affliction t-shirt with sleeves cut off)

YOU HAVE SET UP THESE NEW RULES TO PUNISH THE PATS FAR BEING SO BAWSTONISH! THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

(sees Aaron Schobel sack Brady)

WHAT THE FACK WAS THAT?! He hit Brady too hahhhhd! THERE NEEDS TO BE A RULE!

(phones rings)

Ooh! Ooh! That’s my friend BlueBug!

(picks up phone)

Who the fack is this?

BlueBug: Tawmmmmmmy!

Tommy: THE BLUEBUG! Hey, remembah when we went to Vegas last weekend? NO ONE DOES VEGAS LIKE WE DO VEGAS! WE DRINK AND STAY UP LATAH THAN EVERYONE, AND PEOPLE NOTICE THIS!

BlueBug: Hey Tawm, what the fack is with these new Patriot unis?

Tommy: Oh, I know! They’re so fackin’ weird-ah! I’ve never seen them before-ah! They look kind of old-fashioned and faggoty, if you ask me! That guy awn the helmet looks like he’s taking a dookah!

BlueBug: I know! I prefer-ah the original Pats design. But I have to tell you, Tawmmy, I dunno about this team. No Bruschi. No Seymour-ah. No Rawdney. I dunno if these guys ahhh good enough. Maybe this team isn’t warth following. I mean, Shaawwn fackin’ Springs?

Tommy: I thought that, too! If they ahhhn’t good enough to win, then they ahhhn’t good enough far us! FACKIN TERRY FRANCONA. WHY AHHH THE SAWX ONLY FAR AND A HALF GAMES AHEAD IN THE WILD CAHHHD! I GIVE UP ON THIS SAWX SEASON, EVEN THOUGH THE TEAM HAS WON FIVE IN A ROW! MLB AND THE NATIONAL FAGGOT LEAGUE DON’T WAWNT US BE HAPPY! FACK YOU!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly brought you to your knees. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

So, what of this week? Did Peter swipe any new foul balls from area toddlers? Did he hire three urologists to slap his dick around? What kind of breakfast did Pam Whiteley put out for him? Better yet, did Pam Whiteley put out herself? Read on…

I wasn’t in Denver, but I watched Bears-Broncos on TV. Or should I say, I felt it.

Little do you know, but NBC has equipped all of Peter’s home televisions with VibraVision. Any time a pass is completed, a little butterfly vibrator that directly connects the TV to King’s asspussy goes off. So when Kyle Orton goes 12 for 16, the man comes like a LION.

Hmm. Interesting how King always gets so giddy for games that take place in Denver. I think it’s time for us… to FLASHBACK.

/waves arms

CUCULOO CUCULOO CUCULOO!!!!

We interrupt Hype Week to bring you news from the other 30 teams in the NFL. Actually, just one team. The Packers

Stupid me, I should have stayed downstairs, with the TV on. Now there’s no way I could sleep for at least 15 or 20 minutes. My heart was beating a mile a minute, like I was there.

He felt it, people. He felt it right in his asscave. Back to today’s column.

This wasn’t August football against an NFC team with no rivalry history. This was a December game with the playoffs on the line. Against an archrival.

Until the third quarter, when the starters were pulled and the game became utterly meaningless.

Everything the Broncos have touched in the last five months has turned to crap.

And I know just the cleansing process to flush all that out! Just don’t fly when you do it, or else your assdam will burst!

From his car early this morning, McDaniels sounded a little edgy.

Dare I say, even hip?

Almost angry, but not quite.

Let’s call it semi-apoplecticish.

Defiant might be a better way to put it.

An NFL coach, believing everything he’s done has been correct? I’m stunned.

I can see what Pat Bowlen saw in him, and still sees in him.

Fresh face. Supple skin. Cute butt. Hoo boy, time to fetch the Lubriderm again.

“Well, I can tell you that certainly I don’t feel sorry for Kyle Orton,” said McDaniels, his voice rising an octave or two.

Oooh! Now he’s an alto!

“Kyle Orton is one tough son of a bitch.”

He can drink a fifth of Jack and still kick your ass in any unsanctioned drag race.

“Kyle Orton doesn’t feel sorry for himself, and no one feels sorry for him in our locker room. What he has here, both with the coaching staff and in the locker room, is a tremendous amount of respect.”

And he’s the perfect anchorman for our weekly games of Flipcup.

“You have to be pretty happy with what you saw from your offense, and what you saw from Cutler, tonight,” I said to Ron Turner.

Another brave question from Peter King. He asks the questions even sideline reporters would find embarrassing.

“Jay, you just drove your team 98 yards for a touchdown. What grit.”
“Matt Forte! You are underrated as a cutback runner, sir.”
“Champ Bailey! Jack says you have a great big cock.”

Tedy Bruschi retires.

“NOOOOOOO! NAWT TEDY! HE WAS SO HAHHHHD-NOSED! Why does fackin’ Gawd wawnt to take all ow-uh Teds away! Next thing you know, he’s gonna take away Teddy Sullivan’s package store-ah!!!!! Just when I was ovah Teddy Kennedy’s demise! He was like a fahhhhthah to us all! IF YOU AHHHN’T A PATS FAN, YOU CAN’T UNDAHSTAND WHAT THIS IS LIKE! HE PLAYED THE GAME THE WAY WE WOULD HAVE PLAYED IT IN QUINZEE! HE PUNCHED DAHHKIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PILE! FACK YOU!”

Speaking of Bruschi, reader Brian M. send us this old link from 2000 talking about Bruschi potentially leaving the Pats. It includes this delightful quote from King.

If I’m New England Patriots owner Bob Kraft, I have to say no to Bill Belichick now, hire Tom Donahoe to run the football side of business, and get on with my life… I like Belichick as a coach, too, even though I find his actions this month despicable and totally without honor. I just think enough’s enough. Move on. Donahoe and Dom Capers sound good to me.

Everyone hated Belichick back then. But I like using the wisdom of hindsight to make fun of Peter King anyway. He also bitched about AirTran in the article. SOMEONE GOT A MELTY NUTRAGEOUS ON THAT FLIGHT. Back to today…

All the vibes from the Patriots locker room seem positive about Brady’s shoulder, rammed into the ground Friday night on a legal hit by Albert Haynesworth of the Redskins, and he has 17 days from the time of the hit until the Pats’ first regular-season game, against the Bills. The news, though, is sealed with a Belichickian seal.

That seal depicts a 40-year old cougar being bent over an overhead projector cart.

“Three games, no punts, 31 points in this game,” said Aaron Rodgers, who’s looking more like Brett Favre than Favre.

Someone’s aiming for a nuzzlin’. Say, what do the Pats think of losing Ted Kennedy?

The NFL loses a very big fan.

And Old Granddad loses half of its market share.

When the Patriots released Ben Coates a decade ago, New England Bob Kraft got a letter from the senior senator of Massachusetts — and a former tight end at Harvard. “I’m available,” Ted Kennedy wrote. “Anything I can do to serve the team.”

“I uh, er uh, could run a flag route. And then I could cornah a cheerleadah and uh, er uh, fondle her-uh private pahhhhts.”

That’s something he did often, write letters.

“Dear-ah Tanqueray, I uh, er uh, love your gin.”

Kraft got quite a few over the years, and Belichick got several too.

“Coach B, let’s uh, er uh, go trolling for wifeys.”

As years went on and Kraft bought the Patriots, Kennedy stayed an ardent fan.

“I uh, er uh, love that Tim Bradley as our-uh quahtahback.”

“He was the third or fourth phone call after we won those Super Bowls. First the president, then [close friend] Elton John, then Teddy.”

Wait, what? Lemme read that again.

“He was the third or fourth phone call after we won those Super Bowls. First the president, then [close friend] Elton John, then Teddy.”

/throws hands up in the air

I don’t even know what to make of that. I’m speechless. Saturday night’s all right for illegal videotaping, I guess.

“There’s no ‘Jay’ in team.”
-Sign at Invesco Field Sunday night, prior to Jay Cutler’s return for a preseason game between Chicago and Denver.

Particularly when that team is about to go 3-13.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

1. He thinks it makes him look slim.
2. It’s an easy number to write when giving an autograph.

Think about just how lazy you have to be to give that second point serious consideration. Don’t overexert yourself there, Roy. I’d hate to see you waste precious energy writing autographs that have complex numbers like 8’s and 5’s in them.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

You Know You Live In Boston Sign of the Times Dept: Across from each other in Terminal A at Logan International Airport are a Dunkin Donuts and a Starbucks. Last Monday at 5:55 a.m., 17 people were in line at Dunkin Donuts and two at Starbucks.

“THAT’S JUST BAWSTON PRIDE! WE LOVE OW-UH DUNKIN’! You Stahhhbucks faggots can have all the hawt jahvah you wawnt! We go with Dunkin’ becawse it’s more-ah blue collah!!!! No othah city has a bawnd like this with a franchise!”

Ocho is aiming to set some Tweet record. He’s averaging 63 Tweets a day since becoming a Twitterer on May 15. I asked him if he thought he was, well, you know, over-Tweeting, and taking too much time away from the job that pays him a lot of money. “Really, if you think about it, it keeps me out of trouble,” Ocho said. “In this job, we have a lot of time on our hands, and after I study and do my film work, I’m Tweeting. The time when trouble might be happening with other guys, I’m Tweeting.”

“Instead of driving over people’s lawns with Odell Thurman after a Rockstar and vodka, I can just talk about taking a dump!”

Rashied Davis, the Chicago wideout, can be a gunner for my team any day.

He’s tougher than Jack Bowers!

Maybe (Kevin) O’Connell just can’t do it. And if that’s the case, Belichick is doing the smart thing to cut the cord now and go with either Andrew Walter or someone the team will pick up or deal for in the next couple of weeks.

If I were them, I’d wait till Week 14, then sign Phil Simms. It’s a flawless plan.

I think Ron Jaworski, advancing tonight’s Minnesota-Houston game on ESPN, came away very impressed from watching Brett Favre throw the ball over the weekend.

“I think Brett Favre has a chance to be an OUTSTANDING player in the National Football League. The toughness! The arm strength! When I look at Brett Favre, I SEE A CHAMPION’S MENTALITY.”

/dry heaves at the thought of tonight’s telecast

Lou Holtz, on Sirius NFL Radio the other day with me and Bob Papa, said he thought Florida and Notre Dame had the best shot of meeting for the national championship in college football.

“Ith tellth youth whatth th Oonithirthity ofth Nothre Dameth cuth beeth gooth!”

Now, Holtz is a heck of a guy, but I almost barfed when I heard that.

PK’s gettin’ edgy, gang!

Saw Julie & Julia (and am not afraid to admit it).

Ooh! Was it cute?

Cute movie.

It was!

Would anyone argue that Meryl Streep’s not the best actress on the planet?

SHE’S OUR BOGART!

All the different roles she’s mastered, the disparate roles, and never, ever does she look anything but absolutely natural in them.

She’s Jeter with tits.

Who’d have thought she’d play Julia Child better than Julia Child played herself?

Everyone. That’s what actors do.

Coffeenerdness: I continue to be amazed at the lack of attention paid to coffee at hotels and restaurants.

THIS IS IMPORTANT, PEOPLE!

Do the people who run these hotels — these Marriotts, these Days Inns, these Comfort Inns — even taste the coffee they put out? This is not snobbery, but reality: Most of American coffee is swill.

For True Coffee, you have to go to Pete’s. Technically, it’s on Italian soil, you know.

The last few days were pretty emotional around our new home in Boston, with the death of Sen. Ted Kennedy.

He was a good man! He answered my texts! He gave me his gloves! He worried about sun damage!

I stood in the North End with hundreds of locals watching the motorcade go by, and a crying Caroline waving to the crowds. Touching, touching stuff.

Lofty stuff.

I just moved here, and I was captivated by it.

And there you have it. Peter King: Dead Person Bandwagon Jumper.

NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!!

THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH!

You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a drunk who let a garl die, but he was OW-UH drunk who let a garl fackin’ DIE! You can’t appreciate the history this man had with his votah base! We lifted him up! If it had nawt been far the LEGENDARY BAWSTON VOTAHS, that highway bill nevah would have passed! FACKIN’ CHAHHHHLES SCHUMAH WOULD HAVE FACKED IT UP!

/drinks six pack of Cider Jack

AH, CIDAHHHHH!

/drowns girl

FACK YOU!

Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.

I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.

Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.

Yes, that’s it.

Wow.

Bridget, could you maybe let your hair down? I know you have your hair up in a ponytail after going on your run wearing nothing more than a sports bra and a pair of tight black spandex boy shorts. But if you could just let it fall, and cascade down around your shoulders… yes, just like that. Now kiss and make up again.

Oh yeah, I mean REALLY make up. Make up far more than is necessary. God, that’s amazing. Not so deep with the tongue, Gisele! This isn’t a race. This is an important family bonding moment for us. I want us to savor it. I want us to wallow in it. Just sort of open your mouths and let them hover. Tease each other with your tongues. Oh, yes. That rules. Gisele, arch your back more, like you did in that Ipex ad. I mean, really stick your tits out. Oof. Incredible.

Now Gisele, let’s take Bridget’s sports bra off. SLOWLY! Again, no need to rush here. We want to be gentle with each other, and sensitive to each other’s needs. For example, I know Gisele likes having the top of her asscrack tickled. Bridget, could you…?

Damn.

This is incredible. I mean, this is just such a special moment for all of us. I think we’ve made a real breakthrough here today. I want you two to think of each other as friends, even sisters. Really, really smoking hot sisters who can’t keep their hands off one another. Gisele, strip down to nothing but your denim cutoff thong.

Good golly.

I’m so proud of you both. I think we’re all showing great maturity in dealing with this situation. You know, not every family has to be a regular nuclear family these days. I think we’re part of a new trend of American childrearing. Now Gisele, if you could just slowly peel off Bridget’s boy shorts while she bends over and gently massages your churrascaria, that would be awesome.

Holy shit, that IS awesome. Okay, that’s the fuckiest hottest thing I’ve ever seen. I could watch a thousand pornos and bang a thousand chicks and I still would never get a mental image that incredible. I mean, HOLY FUCK. Honestly, I’d rather masturbate to you two than have actual sex with a lower tier of woman. This is that fucking sweet.

What a moment. Lemme get my camera. And a strap-on. Bridget, do you know how to use a strap-on? Yep, it goes around just like that, then you buckle it. Now, come behind Gisele. Yes, that’s right. Now grab her hips. Like this, almost like you’re pushing a breakfast cart around. And you just want to thrust your hips forward into her. Just bring the hips forward. Now, just keep doing it, sort of get a rhythm…

Yes.

Yes, that’s it. Just bury it to the goddamn hilt.

Good fucking God. That is so fucking hot. I’m taking my pants off. THE PANTS ARE OFF, PEOPLE.

Here’s what I’d like to do, FOR OUR FAMILY. Bridget, I’d like you to sit on my face. Now Gisele, come over here and ride me cowgirl style. Now make out while both of you straddle me. I call this the Holy Trinity.

Mmmff! Mmmmmmphfff! Frnnnff!

Oh, man.

Sweet Lord Jesus.

I am a lucky man, girls. Hang on, let me get my goat. What the…

(door flies open)

Tommy: Holy shit! It’s Gisele Bundchen and Bridget Moynihan with Tawmmy Brady! AND THEY’RE-AH ALL FACKIN’ EACH OTHAH! MY CAWK JUST BLEW APAHHHHHT!

This is the fackin’ hawttest threesome EVAH! And we, the legendary fans of Celtic Nation, made it happen! OW-UH SPART HERO THREESOMES AHHH HAWTTAH THAN YAR SPART HERO THREESOMES! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

You think Jetah would have a fackin’ threesome this hawt? He’d prawbably just head to Jersey and go fack Mariah Carey and Jordana Brewstah! THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINED THE SUPER BOWL FARTY TWO AFTAH PAHHHTY WOULD HAVE BEEN LIKE IF THAT DAHHHHKIE HAD CAWLED A FAY-UH GAME! Keep fackin’ those two, Tawm! DON’T LET ME CAWKBLAWK YAH!

(sits backwards on nearby chair, whips out tin of Kodiak)

Brady: Shit. I need to lock the door next time we spend quality family time together.

Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!!

Wait.

What’s this?

“Vrabel Traded to Chiefs.”

WHAT THE FACK?!!!

Rawbart Kraft, how could you let this happen? You can’t trade Vrabel! HE WAS THE WELKAH OF THE DEFENSE! They-ah is no truah Pat than Mike Vrabel! He embawdied the kind of hahhhd-warkin’ ethic that people here-ah can relate to!

(buys scratch ticket)

THIS IS FACKED! Farst, Ted Jawnson pussies out awn us, and now this!

Well, whatevah! You know what? Let him go. LET HIM! You really think he’s going to be any good without THE FACKIN BASTON CROWD ROOTIN’ FAR HIM?! WE MADE HIM! NO ONE DENIES THIS! This is yet anothah brilliant move by Billy B, pawning off an oldah playah to Scawt Pioli. Pioli, YOU JUST GAWT BELICHECKED! HA HA HA HA HA!

(does lat pulls in jeans and no shirt)

But that doesn’t stop the hurt I feel. If you ahhhn’t from hee-yah, you can’t pawssibly undahstand what it was like to root far MIKE FACKING VRABEL! We bled with him! We went to wahhhh with him! We know him and he knew us! When he caused that pick against that faggot Kurt Warnah in the Supah Bowl, WE KNEW THAT PLAY WAS COMING! WE COULD TASTE IT! IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE WILLED HIM TO CREATE THAT PICK! NO OTHAH FANBASE HAS EVAH HAD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A PLAYAH!

(buys Kodiak at Cumberland Farms)

But now I think he SACKS! FACK YOU, VRABEL! WE’LL GET FASTAH WITH SOME DAHHHKIE!

(takes off hat, fiddles with brim, puts hat back on backwards)

HEY VRABEL, MAKE ME A MAHHHTINI!

NOTE: More Pat fan anguish to wallow in here. HT to reader Stephen H.

Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!

(dips)

Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!

Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!

(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)

Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!

NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!

(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)

This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!

FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!

(dials phone)

HouseO: Word.

Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!

HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?

Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?

HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.

Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!

HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.

Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!

HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.

Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!

Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!

HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!

Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!

HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?

Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!

HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.

Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!

HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?

Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!

HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.

Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?

HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!

Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!

HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!

Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!

HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!

Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!

HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.

Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!

HouseO: Good one! Latah!

(hangs up)

So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!

(shows off Maori armband tattoo)

So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!

The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!

Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!

(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)

The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!

(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)

The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!

THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!

(puts on Saliva CD)

How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!

If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!

(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)

And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!

(grabs dick)

The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(pisses in Snapple bottle)

I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!

I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!

(turns hat backwards, nods)

YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!

You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness!  Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen.  Bettah than Bunkah Hill!  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!

(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)

BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!

Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!

(puts keys in toaster)

That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!

(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)

Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!

(has porno movie on whenever company is over)

But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!

(lifts up back of shirt)

YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!

Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.

Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!

1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!

As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!