FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!

(dips)

I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.

(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)

THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.

(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)

Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!

(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)

And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!

(pisses on nearby lamp post)

I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!

Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!

-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh

TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!

Q: Last month, you told Tim Tebow, to his face, “Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them!” And then the Pats won! I can’t decide if this is amazing, or if it’s even MORE amazing.

-Wendell, Newton

TFQ: It’s nawt amazing. Nawt if you simply pay attention to the lines and know footbawll the way I do! Everyone knew that little Timmy Christblowah was no match fahhhh the powah of the GRAWNK. NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone thawt the Pats would lose that game. EVERYONE. And now everyone expects them to lose this game, making them the first #1 seed evah to NAWT GET RESPECT. You wawtch. You wawtch Tawmmy Brady treat Vawn Millah like the packie store-ahhhh Kanye West that he is!!!

Q: I think we should call Gronk “Jem,” after Jem from “The Town.” Think about it. He’s tough. He doesn’t give a shit about anything. He puts himself in harm’s way. THERE CANNOT BE ANY OTHER NAME FOR HIM.

-”The Matt”, Manchester

TFQ: I love it. It’s perfect. MY READAHS COME UP WITH BETTAH NICKNAMES AND BETTAH CATCHPHRASES THAN YOUR-AH READAHS!!! My only beef with that nickname is that Jeremy Rennah is NAWT a true movie stahhhhh!

Q: How fast can Tawmmy Cruise run in the 40? DON’T YOU THINK HE’D MAKE A GOOD GUNNAH FOR-AHHH THE PATS’ PUNT TEAM?!

-Bobby33, Woburn

TFQ: People have ahhhh-gued about this for-ah yeeee-ahs. The nation is firmly divided into pro-Cruisahhhhs and anti-Cruisahhhhhs. NO ONE DENIES THIS. IT’S A STANDARD AHHHGUMENT IN AWLL HOUSEHOLDS. Now, I don’t think he’s any Jason Preistley, WHO CLEARLY WOULD HAVE BEEN AN OLYMPIAN IF NAWT FOR-AH 90210. I think he’s more-ah of an overly competitive assfag who prawbably ovah-estimates his own athletic ability. In othah news, I TOTALLY DRAWPPED 15 POINTS ON MY BOY HOUSE-O AT THE Y THE OTHAH DAY! I KNOW BASKETBALL. Also, don’t you think that Tebow and Cruise ahhh exactly alike? Good call, me!

Q: Don’t you think that NFL teams should be able to trade their first round draft pick in exchange for winning all playoff tiebreakers the following season? Wouldn’t the Chargers have done this? TELL ME THE DOWNSIDE!

-Random Fuckhead, San Diego

TFQ: FACKIN’ BRILLIANT! WHY AM I NAWT IN CHAHHHGE OF AWLL SPARTS? On anothah note: I wish I had gawn to cawllege in San Diego, becawse I would have facked lawts of blawnde chicks! AM I RIGHT?!

Q: I love you! I love you so fucking much!!!!!!!!

-Bob, Miami

TFQ: (backing away slowly, becawse you ahhh a fag. I HAVE STAHHHKAHS!!!!)

Q: Why didn’t the NBA make every rule change you said they should make? WHAT THE FUCK?!

-Andy, Charlotte

TFQ: (nawdding sadly, punching dahkie)

Q: I’ve gawt a great name for any group of girls who come into a bahhh and stahhht singing real loud: BAG O’ CUNTS. Perfect, right?

-Charlie, LA

TFQ: I’ve been using this term for-ah yeee-ahs! Why ahhh the rest of you so fahhh behind me on this?!

Q: Deosn’t Alex Smith remind you of Alex Van Halen?

-Linda, Boca Raton

TFQ: NO YOU STUPID CUNT! He is just like Neil fackin’ Peart! So typical of a stitched-up cunt to fack up that analogy!

Q: I was plowing this fackin’ harse-faced twat from Guatercio or whatevah the othah week, and the bitch was wearing my commemorative Pedroiah MVP t-shirt! And as I was stickin’ in her-ah poop chute, I gave Pedrioah the thumbs up and let him I was hitting that Hershey highway good! DOES IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THAT?!

-Denis, Scituate

TFQ: Yup, these ahhh my little tawnstahs!!!!! I KNOW EVERYTHING AND I AM AWESOME!

V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

Tommy: OH MY FACKIN GAWD! I TOTALLY REMEMBAH THIS GAME! THE OILAHS PUSSIED OUT AFATAH GOING UP 35-3! WHAT A BUNCH OF FACKIN’ LOOSAHS!!!

(dips ashes of deceased grandfather)

You would nawt believe the impact this game had on the LEGENDARY FANS OF WAHLBERG NATION!!! I remembah wawtching that game with my dad, and my dad was like, “You know what this reminds me of, sonny boy?” And I knew what he was tawking about! He knew what he was tawking about! WE KNEW. We sensed it in the ay-ahhhh! This game was clearly awll about…

BUCKNAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Oh, to remembah that night. Simple ground bawll. A play a child could make. In a way, we were awll children then. EXCEPT FAR ME BECAUSE I WAS BUSY TAKING SEANDRA O’FITZGERALD TO POUNDTOWN BEHIND QUINZEE ELEMENTARY! She was fackin’ fat as shit, but that was a good startah pussy!!!

(cranks up Breaking Benjamin)

Then the bawll went through Bucknah’s legs and things were-ah NEVAH the same! Even now, as Bawston has risen from the ashes to become AMERICA’S FAVORITE AND MOST DAWMINANT SPARTS CITY! We could nawt enjoy ow-ah fifty-six titles in three yee-ahs prawpahly becawse of the trauma! If you ahhhhn’t from hee-yah, you don’t get that!

(was actually born in Greenwich)

Awll the Stanley Cups and awll the Warld Series titles and awll the Spartswritah of the Year-ah awards cannot make the HURT go away! AND NOW THE FACKIN’ CHOKESAWX AHHHH ABOUT TO LOSE THE WILD CAHHHD! To Tampa Bay! Who the fack cay-ahs about Tampa Bay? THAT IS A FAGGOT TOWN AND A FAGGOT TEAM OF FAGGOTS! Turn in your-ah Red Sox Nation cahhhhd if you like the Rays! You ahhh nawt one of us!

Oh, these a dahhhhk times. Dahhhkah than Mookie Wilson’s skin! THESE MAY BE THE DAHHKKEST TIMES IN OW-AH BAWSTON HISTORY! Can you believe we lawst to the Bills? Billy Belichick has lawst his edge! And Tawmmy Brady has gone too Hawllywood now! And nawt the good, “Entourage” kind of Hawllywood! The gay kind of going Hawllywood! I’ll nevah root fah them again! Even when we ahhhh dawminant, we ahhh still tahhhhtured! Don’t you see we ahhh so complex and deep? JETAH SUCKS CAWKS IN HELL! AND YOU TELL HIM I SAID THAT TO HIS FACKIN’ KID N’ PLAY LIGHT DAHK SKIN!

V/O: Uh, Tommy?

Tommy: What?

V/O: Do you want to talk at all about the Oilers-Bills game? It is kinda the subject of this documentary.

Tommy: I don’t know if I can. SHADES OF BUCKNAHHHH!

V/O: I think we should maybe talk about it a little.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You ahhh nawt going through what I am going through right now! America needs to know how worried I am about the Sawx and Pats and how much I fackin’ wish Jawn Lackey would get Jawn Lester’s cancah!!!! Besides, the greatest comeback in sparts history? 2004. Yankees up 0-3. NEED I SAY MORE-AH? DO THE MATH. GREATEST COMEBACK EVAH NO ONE DENIES THIS!!!!

I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…

(lying)

…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!

(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)

FACK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally, aftah waiting thirty-nine fackin year-ahs, ow-ah beloved B’s have brawt the Cup back where-ah it rightfully belawnged! Those faggot fingah-eatahs from Eskimoland can EAT MY CAWK! Ow-ah non-NBA non-lazy dahkie Tim Tawmmas showed you what Bawston Pride is awll about!

(dips)

Oh, how we’ve suffahed through the year-ahs waiting fahhh this title! THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A HAWKEY TOWN! Except when the B’s ahhh losing, then hawkey is fahhh quee-ahs! And if you ahhhn’t from heee-ah, well then there-ah is no way you could pawssibly undahstand what this means to us, the legendary fans of Bruinland Nation!

They won it for the Revere girls with the big hair and O’Reilly sweaters; for the shot-and-beer guys who pour every dollar of expendable income into the hockey budget…

Today would be a good day to call your out-of-town friends and tell them you live in a city that just won its seventh championship in 11 years. You live in the only hamlet that’s won the Grand Slam of North American trophies within seven years.

FACK YES IT WOULD!

(takes out phone)

HouseO: Hello?

FACKIN’ GRAND SLAM OF SPARTS CHAMPIONS, YOU YANKEE LOVING ASSLICKAH!!!!!

HouseO: Dude, you bought that sweater four days ago.

FACK YOU!

(hangs up)

NO TOWN DESERVED TO ACT LIKE FRONT-RUNNAHS MORE-AH THAN US! No othah town has suffahed through such cheap ownahship! We always loved ow-ah hawkey Schillings! We ahhh nawt fair-ah weathah fans! We were-ah just… dormant! Yeah! We knew one day the B’s would make it up to us, and then we’d be there-ah for them! MY DAD IS SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW! AHHHHN’T YOU HAPPY FAHHH HIM TOO? MY DAD IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH DAD![1]

[1] – He used to take me to the Gahhhhhhhden to watch the B’s when I was a kid. It’s how I learned to punch people, which came in handy the first time I evah saw a fackin’ Indian move into ow-ah hood!

(loves those Miller Liteguard ads)

We nevah thawt we’d see this day. A dahhhk cloud hung ovah us fahhh 39 yeee-ahs. And today, that cloud is finally gawn. The Curse is no longah with us! I feel like I could rape a THOUSAND dahhkie whore-ahs! This one is fah Cam Neely. This one is fah Ray fackin’ Bahhhk. This one is fah… Well, I don’t remember any othah Bruins BUT THAT WAS BECAWSE I WAS SO TRAWMATIZED! THIS IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH AMERICAH BECAWSE IT IS A GREAT DAY FAHHH BAWSTON! RED SOX IN FIRST PLACE! EAT SHIT AND DIE, LUAWGO! YOU WERE-AH OW-AHH FRENCH JETAH!

The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.

FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!

(leaves stadium with over 4 minutes to go)

1. 45-3! 45-3! Farty-five to fackin’ three! The final referendum on this supposed rivalry! Everyone knows the Pats lawst this game and the Jets did nothing to win it! 45-3 is all you need to know about who’s really the bettah team! If fackin’ Pat Nip doesn’t drawp that fake punt, WE AHHH THE ONES WHO AHHH LAUGHING TODAY! It was perfectly set up! That slippery gook could have run fahhh days! Such was the brilliance of the play’s design that it should have been called a first down anyway!

2. CHEATAHS! You had to fake injuries to slow down the legendary DUCK BOAT JUGGUHNAUTS! You fackin’ pansy ass quee-ahs! Hey Bahhht Scawtttt, why don’t you grab your ankles a little more-ah, you flooded cunt! THAT WAS NAWT A LEGITIMATE WAY TO WIN! That means we won ow-ah fifth Supah Bowl! Take a look at the DVOA rankings and you know this to be true!

3. Act like you’ve been they-ah before-ahhhhh, New Yark! Look at Shawnn Greene, sleeping in the end zone like the lazy dahhhkie that he is! You people cleee-ahly have no experience winning titles the way we do in Titletown, USMass!!!! NO CLASS! JIM NANTZ was right about you dahkies! Jumping around like a bunch of wild monkey children! THAT’S WHAT YOU AHHHH! America does nawt like black grandstandahhhhs! They prefer the quiet stoicism of Julian Edelman!

4. TWO FACKIN’ GOLDEN GLOBES FAR THE FIGHTAH! NEED I SAY MORE-AHHH?

5. NAWT FAY-AHHH! We had ovah 500 undrafted free agents on ow-ah rawstah! No first round glory boys fahhh us! We made more-ah with ow-ah talent than you did, and that mattahs!

6. Pitchahs and catchahs repart soon! PITCHAHHHHS AND CATCHAHHHS!!! Cahhhhl Crahhhfahhhd! Adrian Mexicanguy! THEY SAY HE’S THE QUIET MANNY! Tawp that, you Yankee sluts! Oh, by all means, have yar little “football victory.” Enjoy it. You know it doesn’t hurt us! You know that it means NOTHING to us! YOU CAN’T WIN CLUTCH BASEBALL GAMES WHEN IT MATTAHS!

Make no mistake! This game has put the legendary fans of Wahlberg Nation in straight FACK YOU mode! And you don’t want to fack with us when we ahhh in FACK YOU mode! One time I was in FACK YOU mode and two camel jawkeys neeee-ahly gawt beaten to death! NOTHING CAN STAWP UP NOW! OW-PISSED AWFF IS MORE-AH PISSED AWFF THAN YOUR-AH PISSED AWFF! Ow-ah angah shall drive the Sawx to yet anathah AL East Wild Cahhhhd berth! You wawtch! And then we’ll have Danny Woodhead drawp kick the extra home run and Terry Francona will point to Rex Ryan in the stands and say YOU AHHH JUST ANATHAH GUY TO ME! YOU AHHH NOTHING! WE AHHH SO GOOD WE DON’T EVEN THINK OF YOU, BECAUSE WE DON’T REALLY LIKE FOOTBALL! NOW OUTTA MY WAY! And then we’ll have the last laugh! You wawtch!

(directs bank neist movie and films self shirtless for 90% of the running time)

Fackin’ Brady and Belichick. I knew we nevah should have traded Bledsoe!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!

(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)

It’s true, America. I am proud to repart that Bawston has finally in love with ow-ah Patriots all ovah again! And it’s about goddamn time! Finally, the Patties ahhh back to playing the hahhd-nosed, blue cawllah style of footbawll that MATCHES OW-AH FANBASE TO A FACKIN’ TEE.

(actually grew up in Greenwich)

This ain’t Hawllywood, people. We fight and claw far everything we have here-ah in Chestnut Hill. USUALLY BECAWSE SOME DAHKIE IS TRYIN’ TO STEAL IT! You dahhkies in Roxbury know you took my JVC cahhhh radio last week! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

Face it: we weren’t comfortable with being the glamah team. That does NAWT suit us. Maybe that works far you New Yark faggots. But it’s nawt owah thing. We ahhhn’t a bunch of fancy quee-ahs!

(dreams of one day doing a cameo on Entourage)

We’re REAL! And we’re much mar comfortable bein’ the underdawgs. BEIN’ AMERICA’S SWEETHAHHHHTS! You can’t tell me you don’t love this Pats team! Woodhead! Welkah! THAT NIP WHO BLAWKS KICKS! You can tell me this team isn’t much bettah when they’re-ah winning tight games and bein’ content to outsmahhht everyone else. And we ahhh smahhtah than you!

(failed to get enough credits to earn that phys ed degree from Northeastern)

That’s how we ended up with two first roundahs next year-ah! That’s how we ended up getting a third roundah far that stupid dahkie Mawss! Hey Randy, why don’t you go to Atlanta? PLENTY OF KAWLLAHED GREENS AT THE BUFFET THEY-AH FOR YOU, TOUGH GUY!

And you know what the best pahhht of this is? Finally, NO ONE RESPECTS THE PATS AGAIN. I hear it everywhere-ah I go. “They ahhn’t really that good.” “They gawt lucky.” “They sack, but Tawmmy has great lats.” I hear it awll. Well, you faggots just keep on hatin’. Keep on doubtin’ Billy Belichick. He’s always five steps ahead of you. He’s just like Bawbby Fischah! AND I HEAR HE HATES JEWS TO BOOT!

You watch. 2010 is going to go down as the year-ah of the Lunchpail Nation. We’ve gawt ow-ah Pats back. And did I nawt just watch ow-ah Basketball Woodheads clawwbah LeBrawn and his bunch of Miami Cawklickahs? Nice try, LeBrawn, but the path to losing to LA goes through US! YOU GAWTTA DEAL WITH THE FANS IN THAH GAHHHDEN, AND YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT SHIT! I gawt a name far you and Wade and Candian Rawbert Parrish. THE POINTAH SISTAHS! CAUSE YOU AWLL POINT FINGAHS! BOOM! ROASTED!

(only watched first half of Celtics-Heat game)

And do I even need to mention it? I think I do. A little group of faggots everyone knows called that New Yark Yankees gawt they-ah assholes split by Texas! THE RANGAHS WON FAR THE PRIDE OF BOOTSTRAP NATION! The Sawx come out awn top again! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(sees Bridget Moynahan walk by)

WHOR-AH! WHOR-AHH! JEZEBEL! YOU TRAPPED OW-AH QB, WHO ISN’T AS BIG OF A FAG NOW THAT HE’S WINNING GRITTY GAMES AGAIN! YOU AHH A SLUT! I INSULT YOU FAR THE PRIDE OF MASSACHUSETTS, YOU SPERM-STEALING OLD MAID! YOU AHHHN’T EVEN THAT HAWT! MAYBE I’D LET YOU BLOW ME BUT YOU’D GET NOTHING IN THE BISCUIT!

Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

(buys 37 Woodhead jerseys for his 37 siblings)

(“Dream Weaver” plays in Tommy’s head)

(rainbows shoot from Woodhead’s asshole)

DANNY WOODHEAD IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHAWT IN THE AHHHHHM THIS GREATRIOT TEAM NEEDS! HE IS OW-AH FOOTBAWLL PEDROIAH! I can feel it! I always know a playah is special when I know I’ll tell my grandkid that I gawt to wawtch him compete! THAT IS DANNY WOODHEAD! I dunno. There-ah is something about this kid that’s special! I can’t put my finger awn it!

Oh yeah. I know. HE’S NO DAHHHKIE!

Finally, a great white running back to cawll ow-ah own! WE DESERVE THIS AFTAH WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CELTICS! Danny Woodhead is a folk hero! A legend! ONLY IN BAWSTON COULD HIS STORY BE TOLD!

(would never say the same thing about Kenneth Darby)

I always thawt Welkah was ow-ah non-dahkie Troy Brown. And now, finally, we have TWO non-dahkie Troy Browns! That is just the kind of great chemistry this team needs! You do NAWT win championships with selfish dahkie wideouts. You can only win titles with GRIT and SCRAPPINESS and awll of the qualities of Bawston you saw while wawtching THE TOWN! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

(dips)

Now that we have good ol’ Woody here-ah, we do nawt need that cornrowed jungle monkey Randy Mawss on ow-ah team! THAT MAN IS A CANCAH! CANCAHHHH! We would have awbviously won Supah Bowl Farty Two and gawne 19-0 if we had simply shipped that dahkie back to the Cawngo and had a running back like ol’ Woody on ow-ah side! TYREE NEVAH WOULD HAVE LUCKED INTO THAT HELMET CATCH IN THE FACE OF DANNY WOODHEAD’S TOUGHNESS!

(too stupid to like Coen Brothers movies)

I look at these Pats now and I see a real TEAM! BRADY! WELKAH! WOODHEAD! EDELMAN! It’s a dream cawmbination! My fathah has been waiting far a team like this evah since the Civil Rights Movement! He nevah thawt he’d live to see it! NOW HE CAN DIE IN PEACE!

I think America will grow to love this Pats team once they see them in action. It’s a real unit now. No egos. No sulking. No dahhhkies complaining far more-ah money! What were-ah you gawnna spend yar money awn, dahkie? RIMS AND CHILD SUPPART, THAT’S WHAT!

Randy Mawss nevah undahstood what it takes to be a true Greatriot. He nevah understood what we, THE LEGENDARY FANS OF FACK THE YANKEES NATION, demand of ow-ah players. He was nevah one of us. SO FACK HIM! I HOPE HE DIES! Belichick is, once again, a genius far shipping him out at just the right time! BILL GETS US. Danny Woodhead is ow-ah new hero!

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least two faggot dahkie cawllege kids. I was NAWT prepay-uhed to get this news. NONE OF US WERE-AH!

“Tawmmy, did you hear about Brady?”

“What happened?”

“HE WRECKED HIS CAHHHHHHH!!!!!”

So many emotions. How could this be? Why did this happen? Whose the fackin asshole Yankee fan who plowed into ow-ahhhh FOOTBALL TED WILLIAMS?! Why do bad things keep happening to the FACKIN’ LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX GALAXY?! You can’t tell me any fanbase has experienced this kind of wild mix of emotions! First I was scay-uhed! Then I was shaken! Then I was nervous. Then I pissed in an alleyway, just fahh the fack of it. Sure, Tawmmy Brady was okay. But what if he hadn’t been okay? What if he had been hurt? IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUCKNAH TWO POINT OH!!! First Brady gets that faggot hay-uhcut. Now this!

(dips, spits)

The second I gawt awff the phone with my dad, my buddy HouseO called me to commiserate. ONLY BAWSTON FANS AHHH THIS QUICK TO CAWLL EACH OTHAH! We both agreed that this marning’s events ahhh a turning point in the Bawston sparts saga! Not unlike the end of Mistah Holland’s Opus, which I saw 97 times fahhh no reason at all!

(wears bike chain as necklace)

We also agreed that this accident changes my entiah gambling fahhmula far 2010! You see, I bet on games using my patented TAWMBAWTICS method, which totally had me winning money until midseason, when I lawst all my cash to the fackin’ Jew fack bookie my cousin uses! That Jew should be gassed with diarrhea fumes!

(calls bookie in front of people at bar and loudly announces amount of wager for all to hear)

TAWMBAWTICS clearly states that every NFL season has any numbah of teams that can be perfectly matched up with the cast of Road Rules Challenge! The Colts ahhh clearly Ashlee! And the Ravens ahhh clearly Donnie O. NO ONE DENIES THIS! It’s a proven system that only needs thirty-seven tweaks every yee-ah depending on how badly it does. It can’t fail!

(loses bet, blames reality)

But this Brady accident has me shaken up! It makes me wondah what’s next. The Sawx ahhh out of it. Brady and Belichick ahhh oldah. What if they go into the tank? What if that big gorilla Shaq ruins ow-ah C’s? HE’S A DAHHKIE GORILLA! What if “The Town” turns out to suck? No othah city is faced with this kind of turmoil!

(feels biceps)

I’ll tell you this, though. Brady wawked away from that wreck. You find me a tuffah QB than that! I didn’t see Rawthlibergah walk away when some old bitch smacked his Jap bike! HE’S NAWT WELKAH TOUGH! That’s how we handle ow-ah shit in the Back Bay!

So mahhk the day, people. It is a day that live live in Bawston infamy forevah!