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Well, well, well! You faackin’ quee-ahs from Indy and New Ahhhhhhlins think you have some pretty great teams, don’t yah? You think that, perhaps, you have the greatest fackin’ teams in the history of the NFL. Well, let me tell you a fackin’ starry ABOUT THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM EVAH, OW-AH BELOVED 2007 FOOTBALL CELTICS!

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Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!

(spits randomly)

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When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly brought you to your knees. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.

So, what of this week? Did Peter swipe any new foul balls from area toddlers? Did he hire three urologists to slap his dick around? What kind of breakfast did Pam Whiteley put out for him? Better yet, did Pam Whiteley put out herself? Read on…

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NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!!

THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH!

You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a drunk who let a garl die, but he was OW-UH drunk who let a garl fackin’ DIE! You can’t appreciate the history this man had with his votah base! We lifted him up! If it had nawt been far the LEGENDARY BAWSTON VOTAHS, that highway bill nevah would have passed! FACKIN’ CHAHHHHLES SCHUMAH WOULD HAVE FACKED IT UP!

/drinks six pack of Cider Jack

AH, CIDAHHHHH!

/drowns girl

FACK YOU!

Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.

I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.

Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.

Yes, that’s it.

Wow.

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Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!!

Wait.

What’s this?

“Vrabel Traded to Chiefs.”

WHAT THE FACK?!!!

Rawbart Kraft, how could you let this happen? You can’t trade Vrabel! HE WAS THE WELKAH OF THE DEFENSE! They-ah is no truah Pat than Mike Vrabel! He embawdied the kind of hahhhd-warkin’ ethic that people here-ah can relate to!

(buys scratch ticket)

THIS IS FACKED! Farst, Ted Jawnson pussies out awn us, and now this!

Well, whatevah! You know what? Let him go. LET HIM! You really think he’s going to be any good without THE FACKIN BASTON CROWD ROOTIN’ FAR HIM?! WE MADE HIM! NO ONE DENIES THIS! This is yet anothah brilliant move by Billy B, pawning off an oldah playah to Scawt Pioli. Pioli, YOU JUST GAWT BELICHECKED! HA HA HA HA HA!

(does lat pulls in jeans and no shirt)

But that doesn’t stop the hurt I feel. If you ahhhn’t from hee-yah, you can’t pawssibly undahstand what it was like to root far MIKE FACKING VRABEL! We bled with him! We went to wahhhh with him! We know him and he knew us! When he caused that pick against that faggot Kurt Warnah in the Supah Bowl, WE KNEW THAT PLAY WAS COMING! WE COULD TASTE IT! IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE WILLED HIM TO CREATE THAT PICK! NO OTHAH FANBASE HAS EVAH HAD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A PLAYAH!

(buys Kodiak at Cumberland Farms)

But now I think he SACKS! FACK YOU, VRABEL! WE’LL GET FASTAH WITH SOME DAHHHKIE!

(takes off hat, fiddles with brim, puts hat back on backwards)

HEY VRABEL, MAKE ME A MAHHHTINI!

NOTE: More Pat fan anguish to wallow in here. HT to reader Stephen H.