Well, well, well. I should’ve known you Philadelphia faggots wouldn’t be able to get the FACKIN’ JAWB DONE against those GAWDDAMN FACKIN’ NEW YARK CAWKSACKAHS! Nevah send a boy to do a BAWSTON MAN’S JAWB!
(spits randomly)
When we last left Peter King and his size 46 chino shorts, he decided against staging a personal boycott of Westin Hotels. Whew. Dodged a bullet there, Westin. Peter King could have single-handedly brought you to your knees. Next time, you won’t be so lucky.
So, what of this week? Did Peter swipe any new foul balls from area toddlers? Did he hire three urologists to slap his dick around? What kind of breakfast did Pam Whiteley put out for him? Better yet, did Pam Whiteley put out herself? Read on…
NOOOO!!! NAWT YOU, SENATAH KENNEDY! WHY AHHHH WE THE ONLY ONES SADDLED WITH SUCH SUDDEN LAWSSES?!!!
THIS IS A STOMACH PUNCH DEATH!
You people from othah faggot states don’t get it. He may have been a drunk who let a garl die, but he was OW-UH drunk who let a garl fackin’ DIE! You can’t appreciate the history this man had with his votah base! We lifted him up! If it had nawt been far the LEGENDARY BAWSTON VOTAHS, that highway bill nevah would have passed! FACKIN’ CHAHHHHLES SCHUMAH WOULD HAVE FACKED IT UP!
/drinks six pack of Cider Jack
AH, CIDAHHHHH!
/drowns girl
FACK YOU!
Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.
I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.
Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.
Yes, that’s it.
Wow.
Well, well, well! Looks like you Yankee faggots ahhh about to get yar due! Far the legendary SAWX NATION FAITHFUL AHHH PREPAY-UHED FAR OW-UH MOST HISTARIC SEASON YET!!!
Wait.
What’s this?
WHAT THE FACK?!!!
Rawbart Kraft, how could you let this happen? You can’t trade Vrabel! HE WAS THE WELKAH OF THE DEFENSE! They-ah is no truah Pat than Mike Vrabel! He embawdied the kind of hahhhd-warkin’ ethic that people here-ah can relate to!
(buys scratch ticket)
THIS IS FACKED! Farst, Ted Jawnson pussies out awn us, and now this!
Well, whatevah! You know what? Let him go. LET HIM! You really think he’s going to be any good without THE FACKIN BASTON CROWD ROOTIN’ FAR HIM?! WE MADE HIM! NO ONE DENIES THIS! This is yet anothah brilliant move by Billy B, pawning off an oldah playah to Scawt Pioli. Pioli, YOU JUST GAWT BELICHECKED! HA HA HA HA HA!
(does lat pulls in jeans and no shirt)
But that doesn’t stop the hurt I feel. If you ahhhn’t from hee-yah, you can’t pawssibly undahstand what it was like to root far MIKE FACKING VRABEL! We bled with him! We went to wahhhh with him! We know him and he knew us! When he caused that pick against that faggot Kurt Warnah in the Supah Bowl, WE KNEW THAT PLAY WAS COMING! WE COULD TASTE IT! IT’S ALMOST AS IF WE WILLED HIM TO CREATE THAT PICK! NO OTHAH FANBASE HAS EVAH HAD THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH A PLAYAH!
(buys Kodiak at Cumberland Farms)
But now I think he SACKS! FACK YOU, VRABEL! WE’LL GET FASTAH WITH SOME DAHHHKIE!
(takes off hat, fiddles with brim, puts hat back on backwards)
HEY VRABEL, MAKE ME A MAHHHTINI!
NOTE: More Pat fan anguish to wallow in here. HT to reader Stephen H.
Well, well, well. Look at awl these faggot Steelah fans prancin’ around, thinkin’ they have the NFL’s mahhhhquee franchise. Well, allow me to let you facks in awn a little secret. THE MVP OF YAR TEAM WAS NONE OTHAH THAN BERNAHHHD FACKIN’ PAWLLAHHHHD! SACK AWN THAT, YAH FACKIN’ BALLTICKLAHS!
(dips)
Do you facks really think yar little Steelahs would have won this yee-ah if Tommy Brady had been at full strength? THAT’S FOOLHAHHHHHHDY! The fact is that this Supah Bowl was nawt a legitimate contest! NO ONE DENIES THIS! You were-ah clearly nawt the best team in the NFL! And if the best team does nawt win the Supah Bowl every yee-ah, THEN THAT SUPAH BOWL SHOULD NAWT COUNT!
Further-ah more-ah, you did nawt beat high-calibahhh teams to win it awl! I mean, thah fackin’ Chahhhjahs, Ravens, And Cahhhdinals? Real fackin’ gauntlet you ran they-ah, YOU FACKS! You’d have a hahhhdah time finding crack awn a Lowell street cornah! Hah! That’s a regional joke! OW-UH REGIONAL HUMAH IS FUNNIAH THAN YOUR-AH REGIONAL HUMAH! Everyone loves a good Fall Rivah joke! BECAUSE LAWTS OF SPEE-AH CHUCKAHS LIVE THEY-AH!
(pulls hood of sweatshirt over eyes, walks around menacingly)
Face it, Steelah fans. You won the title in a tainted yee-ah! This yee-ah shouldn’t count! Or, at the very least, the Supah Bowl title should be awahhhded to the Pats, because it’s obvious that if Tommy Brady had been 100 percent, they would have won it awl! They would have gawtten home field advantage, and then THE INCREDIBLE SAWX NATION FANS WOULD HAVE PUT TRUE FEEEE-AH INTO THE STEELAHS’ HAHHHHTS!
NO TEAM HAS EVAH BEEN AS HURT BY AN INJURY AS THESE PATS! YOU HAVE TO COMPENSATE THEM FAR THAT! IT’S ONLY FAY-UH!
(buys 8 more sleeves of dip at Christy’s)
This is a terrible playawff system we have in the NFL now. It’s the kind of system whey-ah a team like that fackin’ Cahhdinals (WHO DO NAWT HAVE REAL FANS!) can reach the title game simply becawse they beat othah teams! WHAT A JOKE! THAT TEAM DID NAWT BELAWNG IN THE SUPAH BOWL! They sacked! THIS IS THE TRUTH! IF A TEAM EVERYONE KNOWS SACKS MAKES IT TO THE SUPAH BOWL, THEY-AH SHOULD BE A COMMITTEE THAT THROWS THEM OUT FAR A MORE-AH WORTHY TEAM!
FACK, THAT’S AN AWESOME IDEA! Lemme share it with my friend HouseO!
(dials phone)
HouseO: Word.
Tommy: Oooooh HouseO!
HouseO: Pfft. This fackin’ Supah Bowl, Tommy. Did people really think this was a good game?
Tommy: I know. It’s a fackin’ joke, right?
HouseO: I mean, between the officials and the fackin’ coaches, it was like watching a fackin’ MAC game. NAWT warthy of a Supah Bowl, in my opinion. Very paaaaaahly played. Belichick clearly would have coached circles around them.
Tommy: I know! If I had been coaching in the game, I would have had Holmes covahhhed on that last drive! I FEEL LIKE WATCHING BILLY B COACH HAS MADE US AS FANS SMAHTAH THAN ANY OTHAH TEAM’S FANS! WE’VE ABSARBED SO MUCH MORE-AH!
HouseO: It’s just so depressing to me. I feel like they-ah is no cawntiuity between the regulah season and the playawffs. What’s the point? May as well give out the title awn a rotating basis each yee-ah and nawt bawthah playin’ the games at awl, if this is how the games ahh gonna play out.
Tommy: YOU FACKIN’ NAILED IT! THE RESULTS OF THESE GAMES AHHH NAWT VALIDATING MY REAL, IMAGINED RESULTS! AND THAT IS NAWT FAY-UH!
HouseO: Eh, who cay-uhs. Fackin’ pitchahs and catchahs repart soon.
Tommy: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
HouseO: PITCHAHS AND CATCHAHS!
Tommy: FACKIN’ PEDROIAHHHH!
HouseO: PEDROIAHHHH!
Tommy: Hey HouseO, remembah in junyah cawllege when we used to play basebawl in the hawlway? THAT WAS AWESOME! WE HAD MORE-AH FUN IN JUNYAH CAWLLEGE THAN ANYONE ELSE EVAH HAD AT JUNYAH CAWLLEGE! AND THAT MAKES US COOLAH!
HouseO: Remembah awl the jokes we use to make back then?
Tommy: WE SHOULD HAVE HAD OW-UH OWN CAWMEDY SHOW! WE WERE-AH THAT FACKIN’ FUNNY!
HouseO: Ugh, these fackin’ Steelah fans I see out they-ah now. They-ah such bandwagon jumpahs.
Tommy: I know! We’ve been rootin’ far the Pats far nearly a decade, and these Jawwnie Come Latelys ahhh suddenly poppin’ up in fackin’ Hines Wahhhd jerseys! Hines Wahhhd is a fackin’ wetback!
HouseO: I mean, the Steelahs ahhh practically an expansion team compay-uhed to the Pats. I mean, what history does that team have?
Tommy: It’s true! OW-UH THREE SUPAH BOWLS WERE-AH MORE-AH MEANINGFUL THAN THEY-AH SIX! NO ONE WILL REMEMBAH THOSE SUPAH BOWLS! THE PATS PLAYED BETTAH! And even when the Pats don’t play well, THAT’S JUST BILLY B SETTIN’ THE OTHAH TEAM UP! Any seasoned footbawl fan knows this!
HouseO: I just get tired of the Steelahs getting awl the calls. The league awbviously wants them to win. It’s so clear.
Tommy: HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN A DAHHHHKIE COACH WINNING IT AWL?
HouseO: You know who Tawmlin looks like? OMAH EPPS!
Tommy: I was just gonna say that! HE DOES LOOK LIKE OMAH EPPS! BECAUSE THEY AHHH BOTH DAHHKIES WITH GOATEES! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE EPPS! THAT NEVAH GETS OLD! HA HA!
HouseO: I just hate Mike Tawmlin because his name is so close to Mike Timlin’s. And even though Timlin helped us win a title in 2004, he later struggled, and so NOW HE FACKIN’ SACKS AND I HATE HIM!
Tommy: I propose that teams that ahhh clearly nawt very good should have they-ah victories taken away by a blue ribbon council! HEADED BY ME!
HouseO: That’s a brilliant idea. You should be sports CZAH!
Tommy: I should! I’m smahhhtah than every othah coach and GM and fan!
HouseO: Oop. I gawtta go. They-is is a repart comin’ awn about A-Rawd.
Tommy: I gawt a new nickname far him, HouseO. A-FAGGOT! BECAWSE HE’S A FAGGOT AND HE SACKS CAWK!
HouseO: Good one! Latah!
(hangs up)
So they-ah you have it, Steelah fans. HouseO and I know more-ah about sparts than any othah fans out they-ah. And if we don’t think you deserve to be champs, then you ahhh nawt! NO ONE CAY-UHS ABOUT THE STEELAHS OR YAHH CITY! YOU LACK BAWSTON’S HISTORY AND MANY INTERESTING TOURIST SPAWTS! YOU AHHHH DIRTY TWAWTS! And yar team does nawt fit my criteria far a Supah Bowl winning team. YOU DO NAWT CHAHHHT WELL!
(shows off Maori armband tattoo)
So, awn behalf of awl Pats fans out they-ah in the LEGENDARY CELTIC NATION, I am revoking your-ah title! It doesn’t count! IT WAS JUST A FLUKE THAT YOU WON! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
AND TAWMLIN LOOKS LIKE OMAHHH EPPS! GAWD, THAT’S FACKIN’ FUNNY! FACK YOU!
The Cahdinals? Ahhh you fackin’ shittin’ me? The fackin’ Cahdinals make the Supah Bowl? THAT’S FACKED!
Is they-ah anyone hee-ah who truly believes the fackin’ Cahhdinals ahh one of the two best teams in the NFL? WHEN THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS BEAT THEM BY FARTY FACKIN’ POINTS? This isn’t the Supah Bowl! It’s the fackin’ Wells Fahhhgo Bowl! Ha! I just thought of that fackin’ joke! I’m gonna use that one at the bah! FACK YOU!
(puts on Timberland boots and leaves them unlaced)
The Nawt Fay-uh League has a serious problem on they-ah hands now! This is a fackin’ terrible Supah Bowl. The Cahdinals and the Steelahs? America does nawt wawnt that game! NO ONE DENIES THIS! I’d rathah see Teddy K have anothah head seizahhh at the Inaugural Dinnah! TEDDY K HAS FACKED MORE-AH BROADS THAN YOUR-AH SENATAH! He’s ow-uhs, and ow-uh legislatahs ahh bettah than your-ahs! Chee-ahs to The Lion of Hyannispart!
(shows ten-year-old how to properly pack tin of Kodiak by flapping index finger against the top)
The fact of the mattah is that Cahdinals fans ahhh nawt true fans! They’ve only liked they-ah team this yee-ah! I’VE BEEN A DIE HAHHHD PAT FAN FAR NEARLY EIGHT YEE-AHS NOW! WHERE IS YOUR FACKIN’ LOYALTY, ARIZONA?! Bet you were-ah too busy applying to live in that Scawttsdale nudist cawlony to love yar team as much as THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL DO!
THAT MAKES YOU DOON COONS!
(puts on Saliva CD)
How can you fackin’ justify letting a team that goes 9-7 into the Supah Bowl while my beloved Pats, THE GREATEST FACKIN’ TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE FACKIN’ PLAYAWFFS, ahhh sittin’ at home? Wes Welkah is a competitah! With the hahht of a TIGAH! How is this fay-uh? THE PATS BEAT THEM BY FARTY! FAAAARTY! IN REAL FOOTBAWL WEATHAH!
If you ahh beat by a nawn-playawff team during the yee-ah, you shouldn’t be allowed in the playoffs! I just thought of that rule! It’s so smaht! EVERY NEW RULE I THINK OF IS A VAST IMPROVEMENT FAR THIS LEAGUE! WHY DON’T THEY TAKE MY ADVICE? Because they-ah ahh New Yark faggots, that’s why!
(makes fist, casually flexes triceps)
And the fact that they get to play the fackin cheap shawt Steelahs makes it even warse! Ryan Clahk, don’t think I fargot that hit you put on Welkah! THE TAWMSTAH DOES NAWT FARGIVE YOU! No one crawsses a Bawston fan and gets away with it! Ask Aaron Boone! I found his sistah’s Facebook page last week and jerked my load onto the screen! REVENGE IS CUMMING FAR YOU TOO, CLAHHKIE!
(grabs dick)
The Nawt Fay-uh League is officially a joke. I hope they-ah ahhh happy with fackin’ the Pats ovah BY CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM THE ENTIAH SEASON LONG! Now they have a Supah Bowl that will get harrible ratings. JUST YOU WAWTCH. Serves them right far tahhhnishing they-ah spart like this. Now the regulah season doesn’t mean anything. It’s just who gets hawt! Who wawnts to see a league whey-ah the champ is determined by who’s playing the best in the playawffs? THAT IS FACKIN’ HARSESHIT! When a Bawston team wins, it is becawse they ahhh skilled and powahful! When othah teams win, it’s a fluke! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
(pisses in Snapple bottle)
I’m nawt even gonna wawtch it. That’s right! I AM IGNARRING IT BECAUSE I AM A TRUE FAN OF SPARTS! Just like I ignarred the C’s during the Acie Earl Erah! NO TRUE CELTIC NATION MEMBAH THAWT THAT DAHKIE BELAWNGED ON LARRY BIRD’S FACKIN’ CART!
I’m too good far you, NFL! I’m boycawtting! Take a last look!
(turns hat backwards, nods)
YOU’RE ABOUT TO GET FACKED QUINZEE STYLE!
You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness! Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen. Bettah than Bunkah Hill! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
Well, well, well. Since the NFL decided to fack ovah THE GREATEST TEAM NEVAH TO MAKE THE PLAYAWFFS, the Tawmstah has been wawtchin’ each of these remaining faggot playawff teams like a hawk! And you know what? NONE OF THEM COMPAY-UH TO THE PATS! They awl have something wrawng with them. THEY LACK HAHHHHT! AND SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE THE LEGENDARY BAWSTON FAITHFUL BEHIND THEM, ANY OF THEM CAN WIN A TAAAAAAHHHHNISHED SUPER BOWL FARTY THREE!
(watches old Larry Bird highlight tape)
BUT NONE OF THEM COULD BEAT THE FACKIN’ PATS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Matt Cassel is ready to ushah in a new erah of dawninance. That’s why I wasn’t upset that they didn’t make the playawffs, EVEN IF FACKIN’ RAWJAH GOODELL IS FACKIN’ MUCUS PLUG!
Because I know, deep down, Bill Belichick will make you awl fackin’ pay far what you did! He will! He’s smahhhhht! He knows when to take an intentional safety! YAR FAGGOT COACH DOES NAWT!
(puts keys in toaster)
That’s why you nevah evah saw any Bawston fans complain about the Pats getting FACKED! We’re hahd! We’ve been through the fackin’ FIAH! Instead, we thanked the Pats far a great season. BECAUSE WE’RE-AH CLASSIAH THAN YOU, TAINTLICKAH! NO OTHAH FANBASE WOULD DO THIS!
(spits tobacco juice on newspaper placed on floor)
Now, I won’t lie. Wawatchin’ these othah subpahhhh teams try and win isn’t easy! That’s why I spent most of last week figuring out how to spin the Teixiera signing in the Sawx’s favah! WAY TO SPEND LAWTS OF MONEY THAT WE DIDN’T SPEND, YOU FACKIN’ YANKEE ASSHOLE CUDDLAHS! YOU SACK! EVERYONE HATES THE EVIL EMPIAH! THE SAWX AHHH BUILT FAR THE CAWMMON MAN!
(has porno movie on whenever company is over)
But now that we ahhh at the Divisional Round, I shall now regale you with my special playawff manifesto! Every yee-ah, my buddy Bluebug and I study the lines! WE KNOW VEGAS BETTAH THAN VEGAS DOES! THAT’S WHY I’VE NEVAH LAWST A BET EVAH IN MY LIFE! KNOW YOU KNOW HOW I CAN AFFARD THESE BOXAH BRIEFS!
(lifts up back of shirt)
YOU WON’T FIND THESE CALVINS AT MAHHHHSHALS!
Every yeeah, Bluebug and I follow the manifesto. But if the results diffah from ow-uh rules, we then change the rules to make ow-uhselves LOOK SMAHT! BECAWSE WE AHHH! FACK YOU! FOLLOW THESE GAMBLING RULES AND MAYBE YOU’LL BE A WINNAH.
Oh, I fargawt. You can nevah be a winnah. BECAWSE BAWSTON IS FACKIN’ TITLE TOWN USA WHETHAH ESPN SAYS SO AR NAWT!
1. Nevah bet awn a dahkie coach!
2. Nevah bet awn a dahkie quahhhtahhhback!
3. Nevah bet against Billy Belichick! It’s when you bet against him that he is at his most FEEE-AHSOME!
4. Always bet against any coach nawt named Billy Belichick. THEY ALL SACK AND I AM SMAHHHTAH THAN THEM!
5. Nevah place yar bets with some fackin’ nip. THEY AHH NAWT AWNEST!
6. Have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
7. NEVAH have lawts of rules that contradict each othah, so one of them is always right!
8. Always take the team with the best QB. Unless it’s a Manning, because Mannings ahhh quee-ah!
9. OMIGAWD! THAT TEAM IS JUST LIKE ELLEN BAHHHHKIN! IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
10. FACK YOU!
As far my picks, I’m picking all the road teams! BECAWSE THE TAWMSTAH GOES AGAINST THE FACKIN’ GRAIN! ONLY I HAVE THAT KIND OF FARTITUDE! Maybe you can win some money too. But I doubt it. BECAWSE YOU AHH NAWT A REAL GAMBLAH! EAT A BAWX OF CAWKS!
