(prior to Joel Ward’s goal last night)

Well well well, anathah crucial Game 7 fahhh the citizens of FIAH BAWBBY V NATION. No othah city has had more-ah moments of high sparts drawma than ow-ahs. NO ONE DENIES THIS.

(sits spread eagle on own couch with hat sideways)

But I’m nawt worried. Ow-ah beloved SNOW PEDROIAHS will pull this one out. You see, we Bawston fans have been through this time and again. This doesn’t faze us. The moment might be too big fahhhhh you Caps fans, but we know just how to act in times like these. We ahhhh hopeful. We ahhh nervous. We ahhhh cawnfident but nawt too cawnfident. We’ve been through the Sawk game. We’ve been through Kobe going 6 fahhh 24. We’ve been through it awll. NONE OF THIS SURPRISES US. So I’m just gawnna sit back, pawp a Twisted Tea, and have my girl suck my cawk while I wawtch this ovahtime. I always get my dick sucked at the end of regulation, tie or-ah no tie! SUCK AWAY, HONEYBUN.

(Ward scores)

WHAT THE FACK?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHO?

WHAT?!

THAT WAS A DAHKIE!

THEY LET A DAHKIE AWN THE ICE!

(puts in fresh dip)

This is NAWT happening! This is NAWT happening! This is a Level XXXVII Subset 12 Cawkpunch! Sure-ah, we won the title last year-ah, but in this town, you need to win TWO titles to earn ow-ah love! And this PACK OF FACKIN’ LOSAHS FAILED TO DO IT! Worst of awll, they let some dahkie break out of Rawxbury and get one ovah on them!

(begins randomly slapping own biceps)

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!! IT’S THE WORST THING THAT’S EVAH HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF MY BRUINS FANDOM, WHICH BEGAN LATE LAST SUMMAH!

Oh, no! The ghosts! the ghosts ahhh coming back! I can see them awll now! MOOKIE! TYREE! MANNINGHAM! BIAS! Don’t you see why I can’t stand dahkies? IT’S BECAUSE THEY CAN’T STAND SEEING US HAPPY!!!!!

(Walks past young couple, makes that fake I’m-gonna-punch you motion to the guy)

(sees guy flinch)

(laughs hysterically)

This is a curse! I bet some voodoo dahkie chick is mixing up chicken bones in a bowl and laughing at us! CURSING US TO BE SCREWED OVAH BY BLACKS TIME AND AGAIN! How could Gary Bettman let this happen? I should be the commissionah of hawkey, along with 75 othah sparts! I’m the only person in the world who has any cawmmon sense! You think any othah GM or-ah ownah has more cawmmon sense than me? STAWP, JUST STAWP. And you haven’t kept dahkies out of the game WHY, Gary Bettman?!

(cranks up the Chevelle)

And now the Sawx ahhh 7-10! And Tawm Brady is still a Hawllywood faggot who betrayed us by being from California! And I’m mildly awptimistic about the resurgence of my beloved C’s (the C stands for Coloreds!) , but nawt too optimistic because the C’s awlways let me down except when they won 17 titles. And you nevah know if David Stern will think that we play too tough and set his stupid woman ref on us to screw us ovah! HE DOESN’T LIKE OW-AH LUNCH PAIL STYLE! Our dahkies players play like they-ah white, and that’s why we love them!

In conclusion, Joel Ward is a black! FACK YOU!

FACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!

Has they-ahhh evah been a more-ah tortchahhhhed fanbase than the LEGENDARY FANS OF BAWBBY V NATION?!

(dips)

I had a bad feeling about this game! WE AWLL DID! When you ahhh a Bawston fan, you can spawt trouble comin’ round the cornah! Like when a pack of Rawxbury dahhhkies comes sweeping into town because it’s payday and they need to buy Keno tickets! WE CAN SMELL THEM COMING A MILE AWAY, BECAUSE DAHKIES SMELL LIKE CHICKEN AND PISS.

(visits Hoosiers gym because he loves white people)

THAT is why we didn’t travel to Indy for-ah this Supah Bowl! We KNEW that something wasn’t quite right, and that’s why we were-ah smahhht enough to stay away! No fanbase has evahhhh dreaded a game like this one, nawt since we had to beat back that cunty Tebow! I have lettahs to prove it! NAME ME ONE OTHAH FANBASE THAT CAN SENSE A LEVEL XXVIII(B) CAWKPUNCH GAME LIKE THAT! I am a hahhhdened veteran at this! I am bettah at taking lawsses than any othah sparts fan, even if that intentional grounding call was faggot shit! I AM BETTAH AT MANY THINGS THAN YOU, INCLDING TRIVIA, EDDIE MURPHY’S MOVIES, AND LOSING GAMES.

(also better than you at writing angry 1,000-word missives to editors in the dead of night)

Do you know what it’s like to experience missing out on a Fahhhhhth Supah Bowl becawse of some bullshit David Tyree catch, and then to experience the same thing five year-ahs latah? YOU DO NAWT. Don’t bawthah trying to tell me you do. STAWP. JUST STAWP. Fahhh Dunkin’ Donuts Nation to go out like this – to a hated bunch of fags from New Yark! – is the cruelest blow of all! THE FIRST THREE SUPAH BOWLS MEAN NOTHING NOW!

(stalks around on street corner wearing oversized Bruins jersey)

And Brady? Brady is NAWT ONE OF US. You see, we BAWSTON people stick close to our own! We ahhh born here, and then we go to school in Greenwich, and then we move to LA, and then maybe we die here-ahhhhh! WE’RE JUST THAT LOYAL. No othah town is like this! So when Brady is hangin’ out in Santa Bahhhhbahhhhara and fackin’ some undawcumented non-Mass resident, we get suspicious! WE KNOW SHIT IS FACKED! Tawm Brady is gawnna have to win us ovah again! Don’t tell me that wasn’t a shitty pass to Welkah! WELKAH CATCHES THAT BALL 150 TIMES OUT OF 100! I blame Glamour-ah Boy Brady fahhh fahhhgetting his roots! And I blame Bernahhhhd Pawllahhd! WE AHHH THE ONLY CITY THAT HAS HAD OW-AH PLAYERS HURT BY ANOTHAH PLAYAH!

(pisses on nearby lamp post)

I fackin’ hate awll of you right now! It’s a good thing I’m so good at accepting hahhhtbreak! I’m gawnna go fack an Indian chick and slap the dawt off of her head! WE NOW ONLY HAVE ONE MAJAH SPARTS TITLE AND THAT IS A CURSE! Even if we had won, we know that it wouldn’t have been prawpah revenge for Super Bowl Farty Two! NO ONE DENIES THIS! BAWSTON WAS IN A LOSE-LOSE SITUATION! You can’t pawssibly get that! I FEEL THE GHOSTS AND THEY SMELL LIKE OLD PUSSY!

Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!

-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh

TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!

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V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.

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I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!

People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…

(lying)

…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!

(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)

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The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.

FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!

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BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!

(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)

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Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…

FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!

Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!

You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…

(catches something out of the corner of his eye)

What was that?

(looks again)

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