Q: Tommy! Tommy! Do you fackin’ realize that you have nevah done a mailbag? America needs you to do a mailbag, TAWMSTAH! You should do a mailbag column, and the first lettah every week should be from someone begging you to do a mailbag! FACK KOBE!
-O’SullyMcTavindish, Re-veahhhhh
TFQ: You ahhhh fackin’ right! I should!
V/O: On January 3rd, 1993, the Buffalo Bills and the Houston Oilers met in an AFC Wild Card playoff game. Both teams were looking to advance to the divisional round. What they didn’t know… was that they would soon find themselves a part of the greatest comeback in NFL history, and perhaps the single greatest comeback in the history of sports. This is the story of the at comeback, as told by acclaimed documentarian Thomas O’Callahan O’Reillyneill Flanagan O’McSullivanleary.
I can’t believe they finally gawt him! Aftah sixteen fackin’ yee-ahs, they gawt ow-ah Whitey! THE TOUGHEST FACKIN’ GANGSTAH IN THE WARLD! NO ONE DENIES THIS!
People may think of Whitey as a murderah. But he was OW-AH murderah! If you ain’t from the streets of Quinzee, then you don’t get why Whitey was the way he was! IT’S WHITEY EAT WHITEY OUT HEE-AH! You protect your own! THAT’S THE BAWSTON CODE! That’s why we ahhh officially Titletown USA! They-ah is a hahhhht to this town that no othah city has anymore-ah! AND WHITEY WAS OW-AH GAWTTI! I had a cousin who warked for Whitey…
(lying)
…and he said the REAL Whitey was a standup guy! But I guess those Yankee loving FAGGOTS at the FBI can’t see that! Oh, this is a dahhhk day for us! Dahhhkah than that dahkkie Whitey killed with a beer bottle! Only one week ago, we tasted from the Cup! Now, we have lawst a true hero! It’s Bucknah all ovah again! BAWSTON WILL NEVAH BE THE SAME, AND NEITHAH WILL YOU!
(listens to “The Scientist” wistfully in remembrance)
The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.
FACK YOU! You fackin’ New Yark faggots think you gawt one ovah on Kevin Gahhhnett Nation, but you did nawt! Let me just remind you cawkgabblahs of a few things!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anathah mastah heist from my boy Billy Belichick and the legendary citizens of LUNCHPAIL NATION! Thanks for the third roundah, Faggesotah! You would’ve just spent that pick on a headcase dahhhkie anyway!
(places wad of dip under both lips and directly under tongue, holds empty Snapple bottle in crotch as spittoon for four hours straight)
Well, well, well. Anathah Awktobah is upawn us. I feel a little chant coming awn, I do believe. How’s that chant go again? Oh, yes. Yes, I remembah now…
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
FACK THE YANKEES!
CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP!
Do you New Yark faggots really think you can win anathah Warld Series with Old Man Jetah hawbblin’ around the base paths? I BEG TO DIFFAH! And A-Rawd still slapped the bawll like a faggot in 2004! I SAW IT WHEN I WAWTCHED FOUR-AH DAYS IN AWKTOBAH FAR THE SIXTH TIME LAST NIGHT!
You think you stand a chance when the legendary MEN OF THE SAWX THAT AHHH RED AHHH NAWT IN THE PLAYAWFFS TO HELP ELEVATE YOUR-AH GAME? You people ahhh as naïve as evah! Let me tell you cawkgawbblahs something about how baseball works…
(catches something out of the corner of his eye)
What was that?
(looks again)
I’ll nevah fahget the cawll I gawt this marnin’ from my fathah! I was still sleepin’ awff a lawng fackin’ night with HORGS at Daisy Bukes! I facked a fat garl on the pool table and punched at least two faggot dahkie cawllege kids. I was NAWT prepay-uhed to get this news. NONE OF US WERE-AH!
“Tawmmy, did you hear about Brady?”
“What happened?”
“HE WRECKED HIS CAHHHHHHH!!!!!”
So many emotions. How could this be? Why did this happen? Whose the fackin asshole Yankee fan who plowed into ow-ahhhh FOOTBALL TED WILLIAMS?! Why do bad things keep happening to the FACKIN’ LEGENDARY FANS OF RED SAWX GALAXY?! You can’t tell me any fanbase has experienced this kind of wild mix of emotions! First I was scay-uhed! Then I was shaken! Then I was nervous. Then I pissed in an alleyway, just fahh the fack of it. Sure, Tawmmy Brady was okay. But what if he hadn’t been okay? What if he had been hurt? IT COULD HAVE BEEN BUCKNAH TWO POINT OH!!! First Brady gets that faggot hay-uhcut. Now this!
(dips, spits)
The second I gawt awff the phone with my dad, my buddy HouseO called me to commiserate. ONLY BAWSTON FANS AHHH THIS QUICK TO CAWLL EACH OTHAH! We both agreed that this marning’s events ahhh a turning point in the Bawston sparts saga! Not unlike the end of Mistah Holland’s Opus, which I saw 97 times fahhh no reason at all!
(wears bike chain as necklace)
We also agreed that this accident changes my entiah gambling fahhmula far 2010! You see, I bet on games using my patented TAWMBAWTICS method, which totally had me winning money until midseason, when I lawst all my cash to the fackin’ Jew fack bookie my cousin uses! That Jew should be gassed with diarrhea fumes!
(calls bookie in front of people at bar and loudly announces amount of wager for all to hear)
TAWMBAWTICS clearly states that every NFL season has any numbah of teams that can be perfectly matched up with the cast of Road Rules Challenge! The Colts ahhh clearly Ashlee! And the Ravens ahhh clearly Donnie O. NO ONE DENIES THIS! It’s a proven system that only needs thirty-seven tweaks every yee-ah depending on how badly it does. It can’t fail!
(loses bet, blames reality)
But this Brady accident has me shaken up! It makes me wondah what’s next. The Sawx ahhh out of it. Brady and Belichick ahhh oldah. What if they go into the tank? What if that big gorilla Shaq ruins ow-ah C’s? HE’S A DAHHKIE GORILLA! What if “The Town” turns out to suck? No othah city is faced with this kind of turmoil!
(feels biceps)
I’ll tell you this, though. Brady wawked away from that wreck. You find me a tuffah QB than that! I didn’t see Rawthlibergah walk away when some old bitch smacked his Jap bike! HE’S NAWT WELKAH TOUGH! That’s how we handle ow-ah shit in the Back Bay!
So mahhk the day, people. It is a day that live live in Bawston infamy forevah!
Well, well, well! I know you facks have been waiting all fackin’ summah with baited breath far this moment! Everyone out they-ah has been tahhhking about it. “Has Tawmmy made his decision yet? When is that fack gawnna make his decision? How’d he get tris like that? I do the tricep press every day, but Tawmmy still has the best triggahs south of Revee-ahh!”
(wears cutout sweatshirt in July)
Well, I’m hee-ahh today to tell you I have given this lawts of thawt! And aftah thinking it ovahhhh, and aftah slapping that camelfackah outside the Store-ah 24-ah, I HAVE MADE MY CHOICE! Bring out HouseO!
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
