FINALLY! We won! WE fackin’ won! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

(keys nearby car)

I don’t know how WE did it, but somehow WE fackin’ pulled together as a Nation and fackin’ gawt it done! Even with fackin’ Dahkie Rivahs in chaaaahge! Even with the fackin’ refs havin’ in it far us, like they always do! We thah fans took this team on ow-uh backs and WON IT ALL! ANOTHER FACKIN’ TRIUMPH FAR THAH CELTICS NATION! You fackin’ hatahs out they-ah just gawt sarved up anathah fackin’ dose of fackin’ BEANTOWN GREATNESS!

(smokes thirty Parliaments at the same time)

Gawd, when I think of how fackin’ lawg we’ve been waiting far this title. I had to spend ovah twenty fackin’ yee-ahs nawt giving a fack about the Celtics. Then that one dahkie died. Then that othah fackin’ dahkie died. Then that fackin’ greasy dago Pitino came through the fackin’ do-ah. NO OTHAH FAN BASE COULD PAWSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND WHAT THE FACK WE WENT THROUGH!

(smashes nearby Latino man with pint glass)

And now ow-uh loyalty has been fully repaid! We fackin’ earned this title! No way this team wins jack shit without the legendary suppart of the QUINZEE FAITHFUL! After everything we’ve been through, this title was lawng fackin’ ovahdue! WE DESERVE THIS TITLE MOR-AH THAN ANY FANS OF ANY OTHAH FACKIN’ TEAM HAVE DESERVED ANY OTHAH TITLE!

(keys another car)

I would just like to take this awppahtunity tah extend a haaaaahty FACK YOU to commissionah Rahjah Goodell of the NFL. You fackin’ prick! You let the gawddamn Giants win the Supah Bowl when everyone knows full well that the fackin’ Pats were-ah the bettah team that day. YOU CHEATED US, GOODELL! This should have been the greatest sparts yee-ah one city has evah had. AND YOU DROPPED THE FACKIN’ BAWL! You gawt sam fackin’ nerve, yah fackin’ red-hayuhd assbandit!

(takes off shirt, waves it in air for 90 straight minutes)

I will never farget this! Even when we dawminate, WE CAN’T GET ANY JUSTICE! I won’t be able to enjoy the title as much as I want to now! It’s nawt fackin’ fay-uh! WE WERE-AH RAWBBED!

And to awl yah fackin’ Bawston hatahs out they-ah, I’d like to invite you to FACKIN’ SACK MY CAWK! Jealous much, pillowbitahs? Well, if you can’t appreciate a fackin’ Bawstun team winning a championship, MAYBE YOU DON’T LIKE SPARTS! Far real, you should seriously rethink yar priarities, YAH FACKIN’ LOSAHS! Everyone knows that the warld is a bettah place when a fackin’ Bawston team is on tawp. THIS CANNOT BE DISPUTED! No othah town has this kind of history, or fan base. WE MAKE EVERYTHING BETTAH!

(cranks Godsmack album)

And how can you hate this C’s team? If you love basketball, or only like it when yar team is good like I fackin’ do, THEN YOU GAWTTA LOVE THIS TEAM! Look at Pawl fackin’ Pee-uhce. I never thawt that dahkie would amount to jack shit. Looks like one of my Chaaaaahlestown boys finally stabbed some sense into him! And Kevin Fackin’ Gaaaaaahnet? WE DESERVED HIM! HE’S OW-UHS NOW! And my boy Eddie House! Everyone loves my buddy House! I wish a REAL playah like LARRY FACKIN BIIIIRD were on the team. But what the fack can you do? Gawd, Larry was the greatest EVAH!!!!

This is the kind of team everyone should get down on their fackin’ knees and warship, even if you aaaaaahn’t from hee-ah. Even if yar a Lakah fan. If you can’t appreciate this team or it’s amazing fans, MAYBE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EVAH BE HAPPY!

(gets 33rd tattoo)

Especially you, Lakah fans. You faggots don’t even show up to the game on time. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS TITLE, YOU CAWK-SACKIN’ ASSFAGS! Maybe you can find some Kleenex is yar fackin’ man-parses, yah fackin’ assticklahs! We Bawston fans show on time, cheer far the home team, and boo the othah team. LET’S SEE SOME OTHAH GROUP OF FANS DO THAT! You guys ahhhh just a bunch of wannabes! Yar just a bunch of fackin’ staaaaahfackahs!

Omigawd, is that Matt Damon? HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS AWN MY FACKIN’ STREET! HE’S NAWT LIKE THE REST OF HOLLYWOOD! HE’S TRUE TO HIS ROOTS! MATTY, GIVE TAWMMY AN AWWWTOGRAPH!

Damon: Get away from me.

No prawblem, Matty! You ahhhh the fackin’ MAN!

(keys one last car)

So savor this moment, Bawston fans. Once again, we have proven that no one can fackin’ stawp us! Sack on that, Kobe! For once, YOU gawt the surpise buttfackin’!

YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

UPDATE: Yup, just as I expected

You know, during this very long campaign season, I have traveled this country far and wide. I have been to all 50 states, shaken thousands of hands, kissed hundreds of babies, and seen literally millions of faces. And everywhere I go, I hear the same thing from people: Don’t give up. Don’t surrender. Be a fighter, Hillary. And it really inspired me. It made me realize that I wasn’t just running for me. I was running for working mothers, and their daughters, and millions of people around the nation. They put their faith in me, and it would be a crime to let them down.

So I’m not going to let a simple thing like the fact that I lost get in the way of continuing this battle. I was born a fighter. My mother once said I kicked so hard in the womb that the walls of her uterus were punctured. And, by golly, I will stay a fighter. Now, I’ve heard lots of naysayers say things like, “She doesn’t have enough delegates,” or, “No, seriously, the primaries are basically over. She lost,” or, “Jesus fucking Christ, will this stubborn bitch get out of the way of history already?” Well call me crazy, but I don’t think anyone told Michael Dukakis to give up after George Bush pasted his ass in ’88! What’s that? They did? Well then, he’s a little goddamn weakling.

I don’t think anyone should tell anyone when to quit anything. What kind of world would we live in if everyone were told to fold in the face of literally insurmountable odds? I met a 5-year-old girl last month who said she wanted to raise unicorns one day. Who the gosh darn heck am I to tell her that she can’t do that? I met another man who said he wanted to be an Olympic bobsledder, despite being 60 years old and having no bobsledding experience of any kind. Why should that man be forbidden from doing something simply because he can’t do it? IT’S UNAMERICAN!

If this campaign has taught me anything, it’s to never, ever let anything get in the way of your dream. Not the cynics. Not the media. Not reality. Not the voters. Not the law. Not your family and friends. NOT ANYTHING. I don’t think I should drop out. And I don’t think we should leave Iraq.

And I think the New England Patriots should be allowed to continue playing Super Bowl XLII.

Think about it. I’ve talked to many Patriot players recently, and they all told me the same thing. Hillary, they said, we want to keep playing that game. And I think it is a CRIME that they weren’t allowed to do so. So the clock ran out. So what? Real trailblazers don’t follow the script. Those players wanted to continue playing, and they weren’t allowed to. That is NOT a league’s right to dictate that sort of thing. It should the right of the team playing to determine when they would like to stop playing. Otherwise, what kind of message are we sending to little football players all around the nation? Oh, sorry, kid! Time’s up! You lost! Nothing you can do about it now!

That’s bullshit.

I have in my hand a letter from a supporter of mine. A young man named Thomas O’Leary from Quincy, Massachusetts. Thomas is just 23 years old, and lives above a bar, on just a table runner’s salary. He is uninsured. He’s also battling an alcohol problem. I want to read you this letter, because to me it displays the real spirit of determination embodied both in myself and Coach Belichick’s team. Thomas writes:

De-ah Mrs. Fackin’ Rawd-um Clinton.

I am a cawncerned votah who would like to know what you would do, if elected, to GET MY BELOVED FACKIN’ PATS BACK ON THE FACKIN’ FIELD FOR SUPAH BOWL FARTY TOO!!! The fact that they stawpped thah fackin’ clawk is the biggest fackin’ injustice since Brown versus thah Bawd of Education! Everyone knows that fackin’ Billy Belichick’s crew was thah bettah fackin’ team that fackin’ day! EVEN THOSE FAGGOTS IN NEW YARK!

I would like to point you to the key demographics in which the Pats were-ah fackin’ dawminant. Okay? They-ah punting average was a full four-ah yaaaahds bettah than those New Yark faggots. And they had five more-ah first fackin’ downs. What kinda fackin’ team ah the Giants if they can’t win those fackin’ categories? Are they really the best representative we have far a Supah Bowl Champ? FACK NO! If the game had been allowed to continue, we all know fackin’ Tawmmy Brady would have pulled through. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

They would have taken the ball, maaaaaahched right up the fackin’ field, and hit Welkah awn a crossing pattuhn to win that game. Farthermore-uh, you never know what kind of horrible things could happen to the Giants if the game had kept goin’! What if someone, possibly my cousin Neil O’Leary, shot that faggot Eli dead in the overtime? Would the Giants have won then? I DOUBT IT! You have to keep playing, because you nevah know if someone’s gonna get injuhed, or taken the fack out!

I’d also like to note that the fackin’ Pats have a wide base of suppart from WHITE, WORKING CLASS FANS, THE BEST KIND OF FACKIN’ FANS IN THE WORLD! White fans aren’t gawnna let you down! You can’t really win without our help! I think we need to hear what these fans have to say befor-ah we just go ending this shit! AMERICA FEELS CHEATED OUT OF SEEING THE PATS GO 19-0!

So please, Senatah, do something about this travesty. Oh, and beat that dahhhkie!

Regaaaaaahds,

Tawmmy

PS – I totally switched to you after Chris fackin’ Dawd dropped out. You got a big fat ass, but Tawmmy ain’t kickin’ you off the Aerobed, honey.

Now who can argue with a letter like this? This is a young man, clearly deprived of any sort of education, who doesn’t want to give up hope. And that’s what we’re doing if we allow the Super Bowl to be played according to the rules. America should be a land of opportunity. And of freedom! Where you can get your way if you just stay in denial long enough. That’s why I’m staying in this race. And that’s why I say, LET THOSE FACKIN’ PATRIOTS PLAY!

God bless the Patriots. And little Thomas O’Leary. And me. Mostly me, because I need the support. And please don’t forget: Barack Obama is black. And is friends with other blacks. People far, far darker than you or I.

I’ll see you in November.

Well, well, well. Look who just just fackin’ exawnerated far cheating by Rawjah fackin’ Goodell himself? BILLY BELICHICK AND THE REST OF AMERICA’S TEAM, THE FACKIN’ NEW ENGLAND PAYTREE-UHTS! That fackin’ pussy snitch Matty Wawlsh didn’t have any hahhhhhhhhd evidence that my boys cheated in any way, shape, or farm. Case fackin’ closed. PUT THAT IN YOUR TAPE RECARDER AND JERK AWFF TO IT!

I know you fackin’ faggot hatahs out they-ah hoped far a different result. I know you held out hope, against all hope, that the fackin’ Pats jugguhnut was just some kind of illusion. But it’s nawt, you fackin’ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackin’ Taz! He’s fackin crazy, just like the fackin’ Tawmstah!

Anyway, now that The Genius and my beloved fackin’ Paytree-uts have been clee-uhed of all chaaaaaaaaahges, it’s time to collect some gawddamn restitution. That’s right! You fackin’ people owe the entiah Celtics Nation an Apawlogy.

And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.

I don’t think you fackin’ faggots could possibly cawmprehend the terrible haaaaahtache this SpyGate case has caused, both to myself and the greater Massachusetts pawpulation. We have fackin’ suffahed a grave injustice, and now we demand to be paid far it! Now, I know you dahkies out there like to piss and moan all day long about how you deserve reparations. Maybe you fackin’ dahkies should try lookin’ far a job instead! My buddy Neil needs a busboy over at his pub/tanning salawn.

But those blackies don’t deserve any reparations. It was they-ah ancestahs that suffered. BUT WE PATS FANS AH SUFFERING NOW! This was REAL pain, inflicted by malicious hatahs! Don’t try comparin’ that to some sob stary about yah great great aunt being sold awn the open mahhhhhket! That’s unfay-uh!!

Furth-ah-mor-ah, I demand that the final scar of Super Bowl Farty Two be over-fackin’turned. That’s right! WE were not the ones who cheated! By accusing us of cheating, EVERYONE ELSE gained an unfay-uh psychomological advantage! That’s REAL cheating!

This entiah cawtroversy took an unimaginable toll on Tawmmy Brady, Tedi fackin’ Bruschi, and the rest of ow-ah heroes! You don’t think they wouldn’t have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl if they didn’t have that shit hangin’ over they-ah heads?! Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PATS EASILY WON THAT GAME IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BY SIXTY FACKING POINTS, YOU FACKS!

So I want that game overturned. And I want my money. I told my garlfriend I’d take hah to Cancun. BUT I WANNA DUMP HAH AND PAAAAHTY WITH SOME NARTHEASTERN U. TAIL INSTEAD!!!!

This has been a very hahhhd time for the great people of Celtics Nation. We have been terribly wronged. And now ow-ah great Celtics are being screwed out of a Cawnference Finals berth, depriving us awl of the Lakahs-Celts Finals that everyone in America wants WITHOUT A SINGLE EXCEPTION OF ANY FACKIN’ KIND.

All because of the refs and that facking LeBrawn dahkie. Everything thinks he’s so great. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE KEVIN FACKIN’ MCHALE’S EYE-UHN WILL! McHale would have knawcked that big dumb dahkie right on his ass! Then the Gahhhhden faithful would have let him have it! You think LeBrawn would be tough enough to handle that?! I THINK NOT!

LeBrawn’s not so fackin’ tough! “Oh no, that guy fouled me too haaaahd! I got a booboo! Oh no! Someone put me in a choke hold!” Sack it up, BrawnBrawn. Your mama should be well acquainted with police choke holds by now!

You clearly lack the steely resolve and determination of Tawmmy Brady and Celtics Nation. NO ONE’S FACKING TOUGHER THAN US!

So please, pay us our punitive damages. We were-ah really hurt by all this.

Well, well, well! Looks like the joke is on you fackin’ Giant fans today! Because I, Tawmus O’Neill O’Flanagan O’McGillicuddy O’McTavish O’Fitzgeraldkirkpatrick McMoynihan O’Leary have here, in my hand, a hand-written lettah from RAWJAH FACKIN’ GOODELL that reads, and I fackin’ quote:

“De-ah Tawmmy,

It has recently come to my attention that they-ah were-ah SEVEE-AH CLAWK MANAGEMENT ERRAHS during the cowrse of Supah Bowl Fawty Too. Aftah reading the many haaaahtfelt pleas from loyal, dedicated, and very special Patriot fans the world ovah awn a recent and very legitimate petition, I have ruled that thah final touchdown sco-wahd by those fackin’ faggots the New Yark fackin’ Giants shouldn’t count. They-ah fo-ah, I would like to personally congratulate you and thah great Patriot fans on a perfect 19-0 season. Well done. Once again, fackin’ Bawston fans prove that they alone have the ability to determine thah outcome of any sporting contest. FACKIN’ BIG UPS TO THE GAWDDAMN PATS JUGGUHNUT!”

Hah?

Hah?

How the fack you like that, you fackin’ Giant facks? APRIL FACKIN’ FOOLS, YA FACKIN’ SHITEATAHS! The Lawmbahaaaahdi Trophy is finally fackin’ goin’ back where it fackin’ belawngs: an otherwise unusable tract of land in Fawxburrow! Nice!

This is thah perfect gift for Pats fans after all we’ve been through! You Giant faggots will nevah know what it was like for us this wintah! Fahhhhh worse than any of that 9/11 shit. What do you need a WORLD Trade Center fah? Stawp trading ou-ah gold away to some fackin’ Dubai camelfackahs and show a little FACKIN’ SAWLIDARITY, YOU FACKS!

I know thah perfect way to celebrate this well-earned victory. I’M GONNA GO WAWTCH THE FACKIN’ SAWX! ON THE MONSTAH! That’s what any good fackin’ Patriot fan does! Then I’m gawnna go home and watch “Gawne Baby Gawne” for the 17th time. Remember that paaaaht whe-ah Amy fackin’ Ryan tells her-ah sistah to sack a fackin’ nigga’s cawk? THAT’S MY FAVORITE FACKIN’ PAAAAAHT! I use that line awl the time now! ‘Bout time Benny Affleck came through and showed the world that fackin’ BASTON IS THE HAAAAAHDEST TOWN IN THE U.S. OF FACKIN’ A!

And I’m gonna fackin’ frame this fackin’ lettah! Nice goin’, Rawj. Now get rid of awl the daaaahkies and awl will be right with the world!

Wait a second. What’s on the othah side of this lettah? “Schlawtzsky’s Deli”? OH MY FACKIN GAWD! IT’S A FACKIN’ WRAPPAH!

My fackin’ New Yark friend DeanO fackin’ did this! THAT FACKIN’ PRICK! DeanO, I will fackin’ find you and fack you with a haaaaaahpoon, you fackah!

UPDATE: Why, you’ll never guess who bragged online today that Wes Welker could beat up Tiger Woods. I’m as shocked as you!

Finally, a fackin’ day that recognizes me and my fackin’ Irish kin! I’ve had enough of these parades fah Arabs, and faggots, and chicks with lumps in their tits! THIS IS FINALLY OWUH TIME TO SHINE! Pogue Mahone, you fackin’ pussylickahs! Someone turn up that fackin’ House of Pain recuhd! I’m so fackin’ excited. I’m so fackin’ PROUD of who we ahhhhh!!!

(shows off shamrock tattoo on bicep)

I’m gonna go uht and get so fackin’ drunk, I won’t care whose vagina my finger ends up in! GET THE FACKIN’ SAWDUST READY FOR OW-UH APAHTMUNT FLOO-UH, SULLY!

I won’t lie to you faggots. It’s been a hahhhhd wintah up heah. I’m not sure we’re ovah the Pats’ loss here. But I know everyone out they-ah is pullin’ for us to get back on track and come back strawng as a fackin’ awx! I just know it in my hahhht! Tawmmy Brady and my boys let me down this go round. But I know they won’t do it again, or else I’ll fackin’ beat my Pakistani naybahhh with a gawddamn bicycle chain!

(plays Papa Roach record)

CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RE-SAWWWWWT!!!

Besides, I just know the Pats will win it all, and you know why?

BECAUSE JAWSH FACKIN’ BECKETT PITCHED WITH 70% AHHHM STRENGTH LAST WEEK YOU FACKIN’ FAGGOTS!

That’s right. It’s time for anuthah summah of Sawx dawminance. I know all of you can’t wait to see us lay some pipe to those Yankee faggots again. THIS ONE’S FOR THE UNDERDAWGS, HANK STEINBRENNAH! You’re just like your old man, assfuck. ONLY YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE OUT YAH DENTCHAHS TO SWAWLLOW A CAWK!

(pulls knit cap down just over eyes)

This is gonna be the greatest St. Patrick’s Day of all fackin’ time! My boy Paddy’s already set us up with wristbands for the day. ALL THE MILLER LITE YOU CAN DRINK FOR JUST $200! BEAT THAT, SHITBAWXES! I may even treat myself to a Guiness, and if the dahhhkie behind the countah doesn’t make a shamrawk in the foam, I’ll call the INS and have him deporrrrrted back to fackin’ DAHKIELAND!!!!!

I can’t wait to bust out my green Welkahhh jersey! I bought it for this very occasion. Then I’m gonna put on my Irish kilt and head out onto the street!

Now THIS is a street festival! No fackin’ $2 bowls of pad thai he-ah! Last time I ate that, my asshole turned black! STAWP POISONING OW-UH PEOPLE, YOU SLANTY STIR FRYERS! Yeah, it’s time for Patriot fans of Red Sawx Nation all over to celebrate they-ah gawddamn heritage! WE EARNED THIS RIGHT FOR ALL WE’VE BEEN THROUGH!

Ugh. Gawd. This might be the earliest I evah puked! THIS IS HOW CHAMPIONS PAHHHHTY, YAH FACKIN’ ANKLEGRABBAHS!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! All you fackin’ Paytree-ut hatahs out they-ah now must face the facts. THE FACKIN’ PAYTREE-UTS ARE FACKIN’ 19-0!!! HAHAHAHAHA!! And for that, I have only one thing to say…

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

You fuckin’ Yankee faggots always think you’re the best. Well, you know what? THE FACKIN’ PATS WENT UNDEFEATED! Did the Yankees ever do that? HA! I can’t wait to call my buddy Fred, a diehahd Yankee fan. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he realizes the PATS are the fackin’ greatest TEAM evah! I can’t wait to get a fackin’ UNDEFEATED Sawx jersey. Can you imagine how confident the crowd at Fenway will be now? Take that, Yankees! THIS IS FOR FACKIN’ CLAIMIN’ CLEMENS AS YOUR OWN!

Now that the Patriots are 19-0, it’s clear that the Yankees are just a second tier franchise. Fackin’ Hank Steinbrenner, you really think you have the class of Bawb Kraft? FACK YOU! WHY DON’T YOU GO SPOON FEED STRAINED PEAS TO YOUR OLD MAN, SHITBAWX! Hey Hank, I hear your old man just wanders around his house with his bathrobe open and his cawk out, and that he tawks to his hairbrush. WHAT A FACKIN’ LOSAH!!!!

Face it, Yankee fans: The Paytree-uts are now the fackin’ greatest team in history, and they always will be! And you know what that means, you fackin’ Bawston hatahs? That means that your team will nevah, EVAH, be as good as the Pats. Even if your team wins the Super Bowl next year (which I highly doubt because both Tawmmy Brady and the fackin’ smahtest man in the universe Billy Belichick, who my fackin’ fifth cousin once sat near at a Legal Seafoods back in 2003), your team’s championship won’t mean FACKIN’ JACK SHIT!

Suck on that! That’s right. No mattah what you fackin’ do, your team’s success will nevah be as meaningful or as important as ours. You’re just fillin’ out the fackin’ almanac, 2036 Titans! We all know the fackin’ 2007 Pats would fackin’ slap you and your robot players around like I slap around the dirty Sikh who runs the packy store down the blawk. $5.99 far a fackin’ pack of Pahluhmunts? Fack you, ya fackin’ sitar-playin’ fack! DRIVE MY FACKIN’ FAMILY TO LOGAN!

Do you know what makes this Pats victory so fackin’ special? The fact that WE, the fackin’ Red Sawx Nation, took the fackin’ team on our shouldahs. WE FACKIN’ ALL SHARE IN THIS TRIUMPH TOGETHAH! That’s why I’m goin’ all fackin’ out to make sure everyone knows that I, Tommy fackin’ O’Leary, will always be paht of the fackin’ Pats’ JUGGUHNUT!

I’m gonna get a 19-0 shirt. I’m gonna shave 19-0 into my dog’s ass. I’m gettin’ a 19-0 decal on my fackin’ F150. And I’m gonna tattoo UNDEFEATED right on my cawk! I’m gonna use my trust fund money to make my folks redesign their house so it’s in the shape of 19-0. AND EVERY FACKIN’ YEAR UNTIL I DIE, I‘M GONNA DRINK A GALLON OF BOONE’S WHEN THE LAST UNBEATEN TEAM LOSES! AND I’M GONNA TEACH MY ILLEGITIMATE GRANDKIDS TO DO THE SAME!

Fack you, Dolphins! That tradition is ours now! You think you can have traditions? ONLY FACKIN’ BAWSTON CAN HAVE TRADITIONS! We’re the birthplace of tradition, you facks. Stop cawpyin’ us!

And to all you elitist facks who said the Pats cheated, I have only this to say: THAT FACKIN’ FAGOOT A-ROD TRIED SLAPPIN’ THE BAWL OUTTA MILLAHHHHH’S GLOVE IN THE ALCS! The fackin’ Yanks and their slapdick media buddies try to cheat and disrespect Beantown all the fackin’ time! So consider this payback, A-Rod, you fackin’ son of a housekeepah!

The Pats, like any great team, did what it took to dawminate. Even if that meant tracking the Giants’ every move with a discarded Russian spy satellite, or poisoning their team breakfast with ground-up Chinese tinker toys, or sending pizza and hookers to their hotel suites at 4AM last night. That just means they are true champions! They still won won feeehhhh and squeeeehhhh!

So soak it all in, Yankee fans. The Pats are the greatest team to ever play the game. Try and face down Jawsh fackin’ Beckett while you think about that! FACK YOU JETAH YOU FACKIN’ AWKTAROON!!!!

YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK!

All ya haters say we gowt a problem with tha daaaahkies in Bahstan but we elected a black gov’nah in Massachusetts and it’s nice to see the daaaahkies finally gave us something in return: A day off to celebrate tha Paytreeuts domination a’ tha Chaaaaaarjahs and a return to tha Sooper Bowl! 18-0, ya shitbawxes!

Naturally, there’s Welkah finding the endzone, like always. And Tommy Brady overcoming a few minor setbacks, nah thanks to that lazy daaaarkie Moss. What’s with being a non-factah in the playoffs, ya shiftless daaaahkie!

Did you fackin’ facks from Flarrriduh really think you could keep up with Tawmmy Braydee and my beloved Pats? I’m insulted you fackin’ pricks could even think that! Fackin’ white trash. Why don’t come to Quinzee for a little fackin’ refinement, ya fackin’ tire-burnuhs!

You shouldn’t come here thinking you can win! You should come in fackin’ Fawxburrow and lay down naked on the fifty with a funnel sticking out of your ass, prepared to get facked! You should fackin’ thank Gawd you were able to come into such hallowed ground and get fire-hosed by such a fackin’ hallowed team! You should place your balls on the curb outside my fackin’ Quinzee rowhouse so that Fitzy and I can give them a good fackin’ stompin’ with ou-uh LL Bean duck boots!

Like you stood a chance! We have Welkahhhhh! I always wanted Troy Brown to not be black, and now he isn’t!

So fack you, Jagwuhs. Or Jagwiuhs. Or whatever kinda fackin’ jungle animal you ahhhh! You’re just like that daaakie that tried to marry my sistah! Reachin’ for thuh staaahs when you belong in the fackin’ mud!

You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?

And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.

(drinks lighter fluid)

Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!

My baby’s got sawce!

This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.

And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?

Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.

So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!

And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ‘85. And ‘96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!