Everything he knows he learned from Ronaldinho. Except for the dressing part. He has his marketing people to thank for that. [Via]

Tom Brady has added “ugly chick boots” to his ongoing list (along with “long, pretty hair”) of things he’s doing to cancel out the manliness of winning three Super Bowls and marrying a Brazilian supermodel. *shakes dice* C’monnnnn MAKE OUT WITH WELKER!

UGG Australia announced today that it is partnering with NFL superstar Tom Brady of the New England Patriots to launch its first men’s marketing initiative. The multi-year collaboration between the three-time Super Bowl champion and the brand will include Brady’s casual footwear as well as select outerwear and accessories. [press release]

“Hi, Tom Brady here. Take it from me: UGGs don’t just offer unparalleled comfort while making your legs look shorter and your ankles fat, they’re also great in the bedroom!”

Durp durp durp! Hey, isn’t that Tom Brady and a beaver playing football with some other white guy? Sorry, I can’t tell who that is; they all look alike to me. Except for Tom Brady, who has managed to grow an entire ten-gallon cowboy hat entirely out of hair. Great work, assbreath. What’s next, are you going to invite kids into your house and have them toss ping-pong balls into buckets from a distance?

Seriously, why don’t you just grow a little pervy mustache and drop a few ads on Craigslist. I don’t know, they could be like “Free Toys” or “I Play Football, Show Me Your Wee-Wee.” YOU’RE the child molester, child molester. You’ll figure something out, even if that something never, ever comes into the vicinity of proper hair care.

JUST GO BUY A GODDAMN WHITE VAN AND RUN A TRAIL OF CANDY INTO THE BACK OF IT, BUT MAKE SURE IT DOESN’T HAVE ANY WINDOWS BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO SEE THAT MOTHERFLIPPING ASS-FRO AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK SO MUCH BALLS TOM BRADY, BUT YOUR STUPID POMPOM LOOKS LIKE YOU CLEANED OUT YOUR DRAINS OVER THE WEEKEND AND DECIDED TO WEAR THE DEBRIS AS A HAT! DIE DIE DIE!

…you know, on second thought, it doesn’t look that bad.

Gisele Bündchen’s most prized accessory will reportedly be named as the 23rd coolest man in America by GQ. Brady–a three-time GQ cover boy–was deemed cooler than Demetri Martin, but less so than the star of Bored to Death, who is quite possibly the show’s third coolest regular cast member.

And now for some in depth analysis of the top 23, let’s check in with our correspondent in Quincy.

1. Prince Harry – WHY DID SAMUEL ADAMS AND PAWL RAHVEE-AH FIGHT THE WAHH FAAAH? WHY WE GAWT THE BRITISH FACKING CROWN IN HEE-UH?

2. Robert Pattinson – SACK MY BLOODY DICK

3. Reggie Love (Aide to US President Barack Obama) – MALE SECRATARY!

4. Dizzee Rascal – STOLE EVERYTHING HE KNOWS FROM EVAHLAST

5. Jason Schwartzman (actor) – ALL HIS CLUBS AT RUSHMORE FAILED!

6. Usain Bolt - TERRA-RIST WHO REFUSES TO BE PAY-TREEUTS RETURN MAN

7. Ryan McGinley (photographer) – ANYONE RELATED TO JEFFAHSON DAHHHCY IS AWTAMATICALLY DISQAAHHLIFIED

8. Dustin Lance Black (screenwriter) – LIKES BLACK LANCES, IF YOU CATCH OW-AH DRIFT

9. Matt Helders (Arctic Monkeys drummer) – AN AHHHHTIC MONKEY IS JUST AN AFRICAN MONKEY WHO GAWT UPPITY

10. Wells Tower (author) - THE FACK IS THAT NAME? IT’S LIKE WELLS FAAAHGO AND JOSH TOWAHS HAD A FAT GAY ZYGOTE

11. Brian Burton (aka Danger Mouse, record producer) – NEEDS A BETTAH NICKNAME

12. Jack White – DUNN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN-DUN

13. Jon Favreau (speechwriter to President Obama) – THE FAT KID FROM RUDY

14. Roger Federer – TOO MANY ARAH’S!

15. Andre Saraiva (artist) – PRETTY COOL BRO, BUT NAWT TOMMY BRADY

16. Nicola Formichetti (Lady Gaga stylist) – QUEE-AH

17. Lionel Messi- QUEE-AH

18. Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook co-founder) – MYSPACE IS BETTAH!

19. Nate Lowman (artist) – NAWT A TRUE CELTIC

20. Shaun White (snowboarder) – GINGAH

21. Tahar Rahim – PRAWBABLE TERRA-RIST

22. Julian Casablancas – MEXICAN

23. Tom Brady - CRIMINALLY UNDAHRATED! BUT PRAWBABLY NAWT HUMBLE ENOUGH

Via

Dude, check this scene from “Entourage”!

So Turtle rolls up in the golf cart while the guys are playing golf with Tom Brady and Marky Mark, right?  And he brought water because E was hanging out with some octogenarian!  Dude, Turtle knows the word “octogenarian”!  He’s hella smart!  And he “forgot” water for Brady, because Turtle’s a Giants fan!  Ha ha, your bitch ass got OWNED, Brady!  18-1!  18-1!  Nice one, Turtle!  Fist bump!

Dude.  But then Tom Brady’s all nice and cool and says that they should hang out.  Because Tom Brady’s the MAN, yo!  And Turtle could be down, because whatever, dude’s married to Gisele, right?  I’d hit that.  I’d wear that Brazilian ass OUT.  She couldn’t get enough of this, bro.  Then Marky Mark’s all “Stop eye-fucking Tom Brady” to Turtle, because Marky Mark will CALL YOU ON YOUR SHIT.  You see The Departed, bro?  Fuckin EVERYONE got their fuckin head blown off.  Fuckin’ awesome.  That’s how I’d do shit if I was a cop.  Just BLAM!  Dead.

Then Drama changes the subject, because that’s what Drama does.  He’s wearin’ fuckin’ stupid clothes, because Drama don’t give a shit.  Drama fuckin’ OWNS.

Tom Brady on the set of “Entourage.”  Ugh.

Ya know, last year, Brady was my #1 pick in fantasy football.  I was pretty distraught when Bernard Pollard ended his season in Week 1.

Now?  Not so much.

Tom Brady: Listen up, Jizzy. You’re bearing Brady brood now. Big Leagues. And a kid that I actually meant to have, no less. Now, if our wedding and Belichick’s strict regiment of mind conditioning have taught me anything, it is that we are beset on all sides by forces that mean to do us harm. Remember when we had security cap that paparazzo? Tip of the iceberg, baby. Remember: readiness is key.

I want us to have contingency plans in place for any situation. Robbers. Crazed fans. Magma from the skies. The ex. Anything.

So I’ve come up with this comprehensive obstacle course to simulate a number of hazardous scenarios we could be dealing with as we try to raise the child we actually wanted to have. Okay, follow me. I’ll grab Mistake Baby and you can hold your gay little pooch.

C’mon. Faster around the cones. Those could be crazed anarcho-rapists who wish to stab our kid with AIDS blades. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather our kid be free of that stuff. Color me uptight.

There we go. There we go. That’s the hustle I like to see.

Duck the flaming arrows. That’s good. Don’t worry, your hair will only singe.

VIPER PIT! VIPER PIT! You almost plunged right in. What happens when I’m not around next time?

All right. That was decent. But decent isn’t good enough. We’re gonna need to do a lot of work with that. I’ll be damned if my wife delivers before she’s ready to protect my young.

Part of being a good parent isn’t just keeping your kid out of danger, it’s helping them cultivate good instincts about keeping themselves safe. Watch little Mistake Baby go through this minefield.

Look at him go. And that’s a field absolutely brimming with mines. Now, that awareness didn’t just crop up overnight. That is thanks to tireless work on my part. It’s like feeling the rush when you’re a quarterback. Once developed, it’s uncanny and practically second nature. That kid could could cartwheel through that field, no sweat.

Hmmmm.

Didn’t see that coming.

All right. All right. That’s what Mistake Baby is for. Now, if YOU were Bridget, how much would it take to keep you quiet? Like Donte’ Stallworth times diamonds?

It’s the first extended interview Dreamboat’s given in almost a year, and SI turned to its biggest non-stroke-impaired NFL writer for the heavy lifting: Peter King.  (“That Brady’s so cool he keeps Kit Kats from melting on a summer day!”)  From the press release:

Exuding confidence in his surgically rebuilt left knee, Brady tells SI that his recovery is on schedule and that he is running and cutting without pain or restricted movement. King writes: “He was convincing when he said he was ‘as confident as anyone could be that I’ll be ready to play, back to playing normally, when the season starts. I’ve done everything I could to push myself, sometimes too hard. Right now, I’m doing everything. Literally everything. There’s nothing I can’t do.’ ”

Brady tells King that he has learned much about himself during his forced layoff and that he is so anxious to play again that he looks forward to the grind of two-a-days. “‘When I was playing every week, I bitched about the little things,’ he said. ‘Like, God, we’ve got to go outside today? It’s raining! Or, why is Bill dunking the ball in soap? Or, why do we have a meeting at 7:30 to talk about everything we’ve already talked about. Geez! Then when you’re not playing, you realize that you would [gladly] do any of that—whatever they wanted me to do.’ Brady drew an analogy based on his parenting experience with his 21-month-old Jack. ‘I don’t see him everyday”—Brady shares custody with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan—‘and we play when I change his diaper: lifting his leg up, playing with his toes, biting his feet. There’s a different appreciation. If you had him every day, you’d go, Let’s just get this done. But when you get him, say, one week a month, you’re like, This is so cool!’ ”

“If I had to be a parent every day, it sure would get boring!”

In addition, Brady tells King that he’d like to play for 10 more seasons: “I want to play until I am 41. And if I get to that point and still feel good, I’ll keep playing. I mean, what the hell else am I going to do? I don’t like anything else. People say, ‘What will you do after football?’ Why would I even think of doing anything else? What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators? Why would I ever want to do something else? It’s so hard to think of anything that would match what I do: Fly to the moon? Jump out of planes? Bungee-jump off cliffs? None of that s— matters to me. I want to play this game I love, be with my wife and son and enjoy life.”

Hmmph.  All in all, he sounds disgustingly well adjusted for a two-time Super Bowl MVP/baby-daddy of a Hollywood actress who instead got married to a supermodel.  And that’s probably the most infuriating thing about Brady: for all the “Best Dressed Man Alive” articles and goat-holding photoshoots, he never comes across as an ignoramus or a total asshole.

Which is why we should hate him even more.

Gisele Bündchen sat down for a revealing interview with Vanity Fair, and the super model was not shy about her feelings for her step-son, John.

I understand that he has a mom, and I respect that, but to me it’s not like because somebody else delivered him, that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent. I want him to have a great relationship with his mom, because that’s important, but I love him the same way as if he were mine.

Continue after the jump for Bridget Moynahan’s impassioned response to Gisele’s comments.

Stay tuned for more on this developing story.

Have you ever wondered to yourself, “what’s the stupidest shit anybody has written about an athlete this off-season?” Wonder no more, because Jim Donaldson of the Providence Journal has locked up that title with authority. While Brady’s lifestyle has been the subject of numerous asinine columns in New England, none can compare to this tripe. Continue after the jump for the full FJM treatment.

I’m worried about Tom Brady.

Did Josh McDaniels give him Super AIDS?

I’m worried that he may be thinking more about Dolce and Gabbana than the Jets and Dolphins.

Oh I get it now, you’re an idiot.

What else could we think after reading this report last week in US magazine about the wedding of the Patriots’ superstar quarterback and his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen:

“The bride, 28, donned a form-fitting, ivory lace strapless gown with a trumpet skirt, scalloped edges, long train and a floor-length veil with attached handmade satin roses and attached satin headband, all by Dolce and Gabbanna. Her three dogs also wore matching Dolce and Gabbana floral lace collars.”

That you have nothing better to do than to read US Weekly?

What makes me uncomfortable, as we look forward to the 2009 season, is a nagging concern that the competitive fire that made Brady a future Hall of Famer may no longer burn as brightly as it did before he got hurt, and before he got married.

But what about the pole shoved up your ass? Surely that must be at least as uncomfortable as the idea of a football player getting married.

The thing about the Great Ones is that they always want to win.

Every Time?

Every time.

At everything?

At everything.

Well that explains why he was so adamant on winning the title of world’s laciest wedding.

Remember what Tiger Woods said last week, when he returned from knee surgery to play in the Accenture Match Play Championships?

No, did it have something to do with Dolce and Gabbana?

“I entered this event with the same intention I do every event since I was a little boy, and that’s to win.”

Easy for him to say, he doesn’t have a hundred million dollars and a gorgeous wife at home. Am I right or am I right?

Brady has always been the same way. He’s always wanted to be the best out there. He’s always been determined to win.

Hmmm. Sounds worrisome to me.

By the summer of 2001, Brady was no longer a skinny beanpole. He had worked so hard to add muscle to his thin frame that he was given a preferred parking space at training camp, where he parked his canary-yellow Jeep.

I’m sorry, did you start quoting from US Weekly again?

But how hard has he been working to rehab the reconstructed left knee in which he tore both medial collateral and anterior cruciate ligaments in the first quarter of the first game of the 2008 season?

How the fuck should I know? Go ask him, asshole.

Bill Parcells likes to say that, on Sunday, everyone wants to win.

Especially those sneaky Japs.

Brady has been doing some pretty cool things over the last year while in the company of the lovely Ms. Bundchen. They’ve been jet-setting from Paris to Costa Rica, New York to Los Angeles, leading the good life.

How hard, one might well wonder, will it be to leave that life and return to the weight room, to get back to the hours of film study and practice required to win a championship?

It’s tough to tell, because before he was married to the world’s top supermodel he was just your average hard-working quarterback who was merely dating the world’s top supermodel.

When last we really saw Tom Brady, before his all-too-brief 2008 season, he had thrown for a league-record 50 touchdowns while leading the Patriots to a 16-0 regular-season record.

He was also drowning in Giselle’s love juices every night of that season.

He then led New England to its fourth AFC championship in seven years and would have won a fourth Super Bowl had the Patriots’ defense not allowed the Giants to drive 83 yards to the winning touchdown in the final minutes of Super Bowl XLII.

Ostensibly because the defense was all caught up in the hype over Dolce and Gabbana’s new spring collection.

But he’ll be 32 this summer. He’s coming off the first serious injury of his career. He should be financially set for life. He’s married to one of the glamorous women in the world.

Well two of those three things could affect his play on the field. Guess which one is completely irrelevant.

There’s no reason to think he doesn’t still have the same talent. But is he still the same guy?

Could all of that fancy Stetson cologne have mutated his DNA?

Or has he become somebody who spends more time thinking about Dolce and Gabanna [SIC] than he does about the Jets and Dolphins?

Yep, that joke was so fucking funny it just begged to be told again.

Die.