The Steelers have hired famed shouting homeless person Todd Haley to be their next offensive coordinator. Because that’s a reasonable move from a team that forced out Bruce Arians because his play-calling was too pass-happy.

It’s a curious call as few can tell the dynamic of the relationship Haley will have with Ben Roethlisberger. Will Haley constantly berate The Ben on the sidelines or will the two be comfortable enough together to tool around the South Side for potential date rapes? Time will tell.

“Hey big guy, from what I’ve heard, you got in a bit of trouble for getting rough with the ladies. I know what that’s like. Most of ‘em like it that way anyhow. They say they don’t, but they do. It’s all a game. These chicks, man, they ain’t nothing but trouble. Fella can’t tell where the line is these days. This one time I was crushing beers, and this little thing asked if I she can get me another. I yanked her by her hair from behind the bar to the back seat of the Camaro. Later I find out she tried to press charges. Can you believe that?

You know what? I think we’re gonna along all right, you and me. WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, FAGGOT. THE F*CK YOU THINK I AM?! YOU’RE BUMPED DOWN TO PRACTICE SQUAD, STAT. WE DON’T PLAY EYE FOOTSIE IN THE HOUSE OF HALEY!”

The weekly Meast post is one of our favorite spots for an off-topic rant, and I’d like to take this opportunity to share my list of the five laziest words in sports commentary (phony/fraud/punk/clown/thug). It’s inspired by stupid people talking loudly, which is my least favorite thing on the planet after puppies dying and female circumcision. Though in some ways, dead puppies and female circumcision are better than stupid people talking loudly. They are, at the very least, less prevalent. ANYHOO, go read it and share it and stop watching “Around the Horn.”

Your Sean Taylor Memorial Meast for Week 15 is, as the banner image suggests, Calvin Johnson, who had nine receptions for 214 yards and two TDs in Oakland, including the game-winner and several huge catches in the fourth quarter. Also receiving votes: Drew Brees, Aldon Smith, Roddy White, and… Reggie Bush? That can’t be right.

Keep reading for a very special Least:

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The Chiefs have fired Todd Haley, which is richly deserved but still somewhat sad, because we’ll miss Camaro jokes and sideline tirades. Worse still, writers are already speculating that general manager Scott Pioli might bring in fellow former Greatriot crony/unleasher of Tebow Time, Josh McDaniels, as the next head coach. SORRY!

The quarterback-deficient Chiefs were able to claim Kyle Orton off waivers last Wednesday, but they’re probably wise to not play him against the Steelers defense on four days of preparation with a new offense. No need to rush since the AFC West champ will most likely be 7-9 anyway. So it falls to Tyler Palko to once again spend a primetime game not throwing passes further than five yards. What fun!

Anyway, be sure to take a look at the chart above (click to embiggen). The fallout of the Tom Brady injury in 2008 was as tragic as the crippling was beautiful. It gave rise to Josh McDaniels as a viable head coach and, worst of all, sowed the seeds of Tebowmania. It very nearly almost makes me start to maybe think of possibly not enjoying Bernard Pollard taking out Dreamboat quite as much. Except not at all. Nothing ever comes easy, so why should glorious Greatriot knee shredding be any different?

[via]

Tonight the broken-down Camaro that is the Kansas City Chiefs roars into Gillette Stadium, where Todd Haley will no doubt burn out the engine and suffer a flat tire while attempting donuts at midfield.

I’m not quite sure what that metaphor means, except that Haley’s an asshole and I don’t like the Chiefs’ chances tonight. The Chiefs have been up-and-down all year, opening the season with three losses before stringing together a four-game winning streak against mediocre-to-lousy teams that gave rise to Hobo Haley (which is similar to Hobo Belichick, except frattier and not as good at coaching). Then came a blowout at home to then-winless Miami and another loss to St. Tebow, and I’d be very much surprised if that particular freefall ends tonight.

But hey, who knows. Maybe this game will give us some compelling reason to watch other than Tom Brady’s good looks and cheering for fantasy stats (Go Deion Branch! Score touchdowns on end-arounds and halfback passes!). We can always hope the Chiefs give New England a game. After all, I understand that Haley issued a defiant challenge to the Patriots…

I feel like I spent all of Derpoween sitting out in the field waiting for The Great Pumpkin Marmalard to show himself, only for nothing but derps and derps and derps and derps. It felt like forever. But oh my. How ever did he derp.

In reality, they all derped. They derped their guts out. The Chargers derped so hard motherf*ckers wanna herp them. Marcus McNeill might have amassed a 2,000 yard season in penalty yardage tonight alone.

To their demerit, the Chiefs, too, did everything they could to lose this game. For those who love it when a team really tries to lose, when they take extra effort to set the table for the other team, bring out the fine china and write VICTORY on their plates in a sauce you’re not sophisticated enough to identify, you had to love the Chiefs tonight. In a game like this, you hate that someone had to be declared the winner, because these teams tried so hard to lose and it breaks your heart that one has to feign triumph when they gave their level best to fall on their faces.

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Well, it’s something to watch after you’ve shown off your undead Google Reader costume.

Marmalard went full Romo last week in a loss to the Jets, torpedoing a halftime lead with two fourth quarter picks before floating the ball out of bounds on a desperation last ditch 4th down. Should be interesting to see how long teammates put up with Philip Rivers’ transmogrification from obnoxious but stellar douchelord to obnoxious but sucky suckass. I’ll wager another half of football at most. Recall that the Chiefs and Chargers met in Arrowhead in Week 1 last year and the floats were not falling Laserface’s way in that contest.

The Chiefs have seemingly recovered from a horrendous start that very nearly and very hilariously cost Todd Haley his job. Of course, that positive momentum can all be reversed in one crushing loss to a division foe.

So gather ’round, gorge on candy, get engorged with the barrage of NSFW links and wait breathlessly for the biggest dickhead on one of these teams to get cleaved by an irate fanbase.

[Chiefs camp, late August]

Todd Haley: Hey! HEY! Listen up! Stop practicing! Stop stretching! Shut up and get over here!

[Team assembles]

Todd Haley: You guys got your playbooks?

Matt Cassel: Of course, coach. We -

Todd Haley: RHETORICAL QUESTION, DRIBBLE DICK! I DIDN’T SAY TALK. I know you have your playbooks.

Okay, I want you to toss ‘em. Set ‘em on fire. Throw ‘em in the shredder. Whatever. We’re getting new ones.

[Gasps heard]

Todd Haley: INHALE ON YOUR OWN TIME, LADIES! Such goddamn disrespect.

I was online last night buying up tickets for the “Watch the Throne” tour stop in KC in November. Show sold out weeks ago but I scored tix from an online scalper. Big mark-up. I don’t give a damn. I make mad bank. That sh*t means nothing to me. Could buy out the whole arena if I wanted. Anyway, my old college roomie e-mailed this article.

No way am I letting Raheem shine on me. What did I say when I took this job? “From now on, we’re only driving the bitchingest cars, f*cking the hottest sluts and using the newest, fanciest shit money can buy.” Why do you think we have all the copies of GQ and Maxim in my office? It’s so when I see hotter, ridiculously expensive gear, I’m on it. I stay fresh. Bitches love that. See this 3D phone? Who the f*ck needs a 3D phone? Nobody. But I got one. And now you assholes got iPad playbooks.

Dwayne Bowe: So how do they work?

Todd Haley: How the f*ck should I know? We got tech fags to go over all the bells and whistles. Ask them. Don’t waste my time.

We good here? Good. I catch any of you with the old playbooks, that’s a $10,000 fine right there. I don’t play.

HEY! WHY AREN’T WE PRACTICING!? QUIT STANDING AROUND LIKE YOU’RE WAITING FOR PUSSY TO FALL OUT THE SKY. POON ONLY POURS ON THE HALEY.

[Message board flies open]

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Keyshawn and the ESPN crew won’t be able to ruin this moment until next season

Joe Flacco finally posted a halfway competent outing in a playoff game. It helps when the opposition neglects to cover the entire middle of the field. Nevertheless, good on you, Unibrow. Glad you were able to build confidence early with crisp intentional groundings to the sideline net.

And someone tell Ray Rice that it’s only worthwhile to steal LaToeInjury’s touchdown celebration if you’re playing his team and taunting him. Otherwise you’re just a rank BITERRRRRRR.

And now Kansas City closes in on two full decades without a playoff win and the shame of trying to determine what exactly this rotund creature should be called and, moreover, how to appease it before it consumes us all.

Meanwhile the Jets and Ravens advance to play teams with an overwhelming recent history of ownage against them. Hope you’re ready for the hate to overfloweth this week.

When your franchise’s last postseason victory came against the Houston Oilers, you’ve been going through quite a bit of football frustration the last generation or so. And so it is with the Chiefs, whose last win in playoffs came following the 1993 season.

With reports that offensive coordinator Charlie Weis has already mentally checked out augurs bad things for KC’s chances of victory and the possibility of seeing more screaming matches with Todd Haley. Then again, given that Joe Flacco has the lowest postseason passer rating of any active quarterback with multiple starts in the playoffs, they may not have to put up 30+ to come away with a win over Bawlmer.

The Ravens almost caught a huge break with Dwayne Bowe being questionable most of the week with an illness, but the receiver was removed from the injury report on Saturday, indicating that he’s ready to go. Luckily, the Chiefs only, for whatever cockamamie reason, accept players from two-parent homes so there no doubt plenty of players capable of suggesting the white people cold cure of Sprite and chicken noodle soup.