Because of the holidays, we weren’t particularly vigilant about watching all of the internet’s new viral videos. And so we missed the runaway electric cart that plowed into a crowd of coaches and media following the Texas 5A Division II high school championship at Cowboys Stadium, even though our bros at With Leather posted a version of the video (no one was seriously injured, by the way). I have consumed this video in every way possible dozens of times, and it now powers my heart and moves the blood through my body. The acts of tragedy and heroism by be-khaki’d men is my new reason for living. For streamlined repeat viewing, enjoy it in GIF form (via Jon Bois’s excellent 50 Greatest Sports GIFs of 2011):

In the high-angle shot, you can see the cart stalk its prey like unsuspecting water buffalo on the Serengeti:

Note that the hero of the video, the guy in the dark blue polo shirt, begins his chase after the cart in the back corner of the end zone, but doesn’t catch it until the opposite 25-yard marker. That is an 85-yard dash for a stocky Texan. His tenacity and wherewithal in stopping the cart gets him first place in a viral video full of geniuses.

For good measure, here’s the “Ridin’ Dirty” remix:

Second place goes to the guy who ends up on the cart, tries to steer it, then rolls onto the field, as that was his only hope of survival. Third place goes to the fat guy in the white polo who rushes to help but trips on his own feet and falls down.

But really, we’re all winners here. Thank you, runaway electric cart. You are much more enjoyable when you create injuries on the field than when you carry them off.

They blew up Tixas Stadium today. They loaded it up with explosives and once again made it one with the same Earth to which we will all one day be consigned. It had a field crown like you wouldn’t believe and a hole in the roof so the faithful in the stands could see their God and vice versa. It was the home field of five Super Bowl champions and two other conference champions.

In other words, YEEEEE HAAAAWWWWWW I WANNA HAVE SEX ON TOP OF THOSE SMITHEREENS!

It’s the last game ever in TIXAS Stadium, and as much as I’d like to go on about how much I dislike the 50-foot crown in the center of its playing field, reader Brian had to go and send me this indelible piece of Bawlmer trashiness, the annual singing of “Crabs for Christmas” by David DeBoy and Da Hons. I know the citizens of Baltimore are fond of wearing their innate tackiness as a badge of honor, but I really think it’s them daring us to test chemical weapons on them.

Brian advises us on some highlights to skip to:

1:43: You get to see some kind of crab mascot shuffling around in the back of the hall. Obviously he is your local sex offender who’s been allowed to dress up as a STD and palm it off as community service.

2:08: We get the entire “Crabs for Christmas” ensemble in all its glory. The Honfest pageant winners and the man on the electronic keyboard who puts the Creep-o-Meter right through the roof. Between this guy and the Crab mascot, the pedophiles are beginning to amass inside this shithole of a hall. Also, notice the lifesize Fathead sticker of Elvis on the wall behind the electric piano. Never understood Balwmer white trash’s fascination with the King, but this makes it a tell-tale sign of a Dundalkian White Trash gathering. Seeing Elvis present on the wall is as tell-tale as a cross burning at a KKK rally.

3:40: “The Chrisssmas Whisshle” – enough said…

Oh, but the Cowboys won’t be denied their stake in the battle to be the biggest cornball shitheads, as this week brings soft focus remembrances of a football stadium infused with grating quasi-religious hokum.

No, it’s a meteor hole. C’mon God, this is your last chance!

(Okay, in the spirit of fairness, here’s Ben Roethlisberger, Brett Keisel and Justin Hartwig singing a holiday song called “Neutered Balls.” Goddammit.)