It’s up to you, dear reader, to settle this. Which one of us is the haughtiest, snootiest member of Mount Pretent-more? We’re even getting Falco in on it (dying is so elitist).

Consider:

Ufford:
Lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn. Disdainful of everywhere else on the planet. Especially wherever it is you live.
Uses words like antediluvian in Fanhouse columns
Not in the military? Not getting eye contact.
Blazers galore!
So insecure about his own pretentiousness he had to ask With Leather readers not to vote for him
Wrote shit for McSweeney’s, for shit’s sake

Drew:
“Disagree? Douchebag!”
Buries people’s posts at whim
Picture turning its nose up at definition of WASP in dictionary
Fat but not jolly
Attended Colby
Attended Exeter
Lives in Bethesda
Didn’t really vote for Obama

Unsilent:
Wine snob
Born wealthy
Lives in Georgetown
Raised in Potomac
Hates that, ugh, white people music THAT THEY STOLE ANYWAY
Pretend black person
Non-pretend half-Jew (pick a side!)

Ape:
Former film critic
Journalist (dismissive by nature)
Listens to NPR
A monkey, therefore incapable of pretension
Gives you the Marmalard posts you love

Punter:
Lives in South Carolina (the pretentious Carolina)
Owns hedgehog (uncommon pet!)
Has donkey sex only because it’s obscure
Runs political web site

flubby:
Thinks you’re an idiot for not still liking the Grateful Dead
Lawyer
The Sugar Sheet is funded by the National Endowment of the Arts (taxpayer money!)
Secretly a Guggenheim fellow
Name doesn’t make sense and is purposely not capitalized = PRETENTIOUS
Leery of fellow bumpkin Kentuckians