I’m sure that you’ve seen many of these so-called “Institutes” for WhateverTheFuck issuing report cards to NFL, Fortune 500 companies and whomever else they feel like bothering. Supposedly, these things are based on those firms’ minority hiring practices. This whole process always seemed a little bogus to me, especially since “minorities” don’t seem to include people of Indian, East Asian, or Latin descent. And before I drive a burning cross in the carpet next to your desk, let me just add that there doesn’t seem to be enough information floating around that would make these asessments accurate.

But what if we were to grade minorities themselves? Holy shit, there’s a treasure trove of data floating around to do that! Sure, some of it is just rumor and speculation, but who gives a fuck? That never stopped these so-called Institutes from pushing shit on everyone else. In fact, I’m starting my own institute right now, the The Jam It Up Your Ass, or the JIUYA Institute for short, as it says on all of our pending shipment of stationary.

And what is our Institute going to grade? Blackness. Out and out blackness. Yes, we know that R. Kelly is blacker than, say, Tony Dungy, but by how much? Can we create a subjective measure of how well a brutha gets down? We won’t know until we try. And so The Jam It Up Your Ass Institute presents, in conjunction with this fine website, the inaugural Kissing Suzy Kolber Minority Report Card. Enjoy.

1. R. KELLY. Recording Artist/Alleged Child Pornography Connoisseur.

PENMANSHIP - Routinely fails to spell out entire first name.   A

PHYS. ED. - Doesn’t actually play in the NFL.    F

ENGLISH - No ‘z’s used for plural nouns. Song lyrics include well-rounded concepts.     F

SEX ED. - Eighteen or older, Robert. Eighteen or older.    INCOMPLETE

GPA -  D

TEACHER’S NOTES - “I believe you can try … harder.”

2.  Tony Dungy. Head Coach, Indianapolis Colts.

THEOLOGY - Openly shows disdain for gays, citing the Bible. Yeah, buttfucking might be a sin, but so is eating bacon.   F

DRAMA - Never yells. Except about gays.    D

SOCIAL STUDIES - Shown up by his own quarterback when said QB waved Coach’s punt team off the field. Could not come up with two-thirds majority to override the veto.     D

WORLD HISTORY - Kinda looks Mexican.    F

GPA - D-minus

TEACHER’S NOTES - “About as black as the three of hearts.”

3. TRAVIS JOHNSON. Defensive Lineman, Houston Texans.

(aka The Guy That Ruined Trent Green’s Shit Last Season)

DANCE - Celebrated after Green concussed himself on Johnson’s knee on a busted play in the midst of the Dolphins’ nearly-winless season.     A

SPEECH - “He’s like the scarecrow. He wants to get courage while I wasn’t looking, and hit me in my knee instead of trying to hit me in my head. God don’t like ugly, you know what I mean? ”     A

ACCOUNTING - Was (rightfully) not fined for the incident.     A

GEOGRAPHY - Plays for the Texans. In Texas.     A

GPA - A

TEACHER’S NOTES - “Negro Cum Laude.”

4. BRYANT GUMBEL. Host, HBO’s RealSports with Bryant Gumbel.

MATH - Has trouble understanding 4-down/10-yard concept.    D

CHORUS - Sings the alto parts for O Danny Boy. F

MOCK TRIAL - Routinely winds up as the one being mocked.     F

ECONOMICS - Having his magazine show encroached upon by noted Caucasian Bob Costas satisfies “slighted by the white man” prerequisite.     A

GPA -  C-minus

TEACHER’S NOTES - “Maybe Black does crack.”

GWEN IFILL (EYE-fuhl) of PBS “fame:” Hello everyone, and welcome to our inaugural edition of The Quarterbacks Debate, an improvisational panel show where we bring in two NFL quarterbacks to discuss current events issues from around the world. I’m your host, Gwen Ifill. And my panel includes two great young quarterbacks from the National Football League. On my left, the Jaguars’ David Garrard.

DAVID: Hello, Gwen, thank you for having me.

GWEN: And on my right, the Vikings’ Tar-var-is Jackson.

TARVARIS: Sup.

GWEN: Now, David, let me start with you. There have been numerous studies pointing to the climb in obesity among adolescents. Do you feel this is on the verge of an epidemic, or merely a disturbing trend?

DAVID: Well, Gwen, certainly factors such as food choices and exercise are contributing factors here, but I believe that since awareness of the issue has grown, parents and younger people both are taking steps toward preventing obesity.

GWEN: Tavaris? A response?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. What the fuck they be trying to drop on ol’ T-Jac, muthafucka? Gott-DAMN! Dem bitches a’int go be sleepin’ on dis shit, check this shit out. Dis da troof right here! Muthafuckas ain’t comin in hee-uh wit no Gott-damn Brook Ballinjuh! Ain’t try to b’lee dat shit. I go slap the white right off yo Gott-damn mouth, you crazy ass uppity sucka bringin dat Uncle Tomboy shit up in this mug. I didn’t wanna be on the show.

GWEN: I see. Next topic. Tavar . . . David. Estimates show that over 24 million so-called illegal immigrants are currently in the United States. In your opinion, what’s the best policy for dealing with undocumented residents? Is it amnesty?

DAVID: Well, I certainly don’t see how we can get–

TARVARIS: Shit, man, I ain’t comin up in this ten thousand lakes to be just handin’ that shit off, know whut I’m sayin? I came to toss da PAIN! That muthafucker in da coat, he be sayin all this shit like I need ta’be reedin deefenses, man. Now what da fuck is that shit? He don’t lemme call no audibles any damn way. Now all deez bitches be talkin bout Adrian Peetuhson. Adrian Peetuhson. Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad ‘n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain’t foolin’, neither.

GWEN: …Okay. (puts head down while shuffling index cards)

DAVID: So, Tar-var-is, do you think there’s life on other planets?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. Gott-damn PO-leese be ridin’ my shit DAY AND NIGHT, muthafucka. Man, I just tryin’ do mah thang, man, know whut I’m sayin? Dis muthafucka bee poolin’ me ova’ and he struttin’ his turkey cracka ass all up hee-uh, and he be all, “Let me see your identification and insurance.” Muthafucka, you KNOW who my ass is! ‘Specially when I be ridin’ down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool. Shit, I’ll hand you da PRO-gram on da dash and yew can look my ass up.

GWEN: I’m afraid we’re out of time. Please be sure to join us next time…on The Quarterbacks Debate. Good night.

TARVARIS: Nighty night, y’all.

49 Bernard Pollard

Position: DB
Height: 6-1
Weight: 224
Born: 12/23/1984
College: Purdue
NFL Experience: 2
Moves: Plentiful

děkuji: Adam at Arrowhead Addict