Hoo boy.

Good Lord.

Well, this is it, man. I’m not getting any more stoned than this. I mean, holy fuck.

I might be dead.

(phone rings)

I guess I’m not dead.

(picks up phone)

Hello?

Lawyer: Michael, it’s your lawyer.

Vick: What’s going on, Mr. Perry Mason?

Lawyer: Michael, you’ve been indicted.

Vick: Indicted? Really? Who’s throwing a party? Ookie loves a good party.

Lawyer: No, no, you’ve been indicted., not invited. An indictment is when you are charged with a crime.

Vick: Well, what crime did I do?

Lawyer: Conspiracy to travel in interstate commerce in aid of unlawful activities and to sponsor a dog in an animal fighting venture in U.S. District Court for the Eastern District in Richmond, Va.

Vick: Uh… wha… I was in a commercial?

Lawyer: You’re being charged with dog fighting, Michael.

Vick: Oh, snap! Really? Well, fuck me blind.

Lawyer: This is serious, Michael. It says that Bad Newz Kennels…

Vick: You like that name? I think the Z makes it even fucking nastier.

Lawyer: It’s a very nice name. It says you ran a dog fighting outfit out of Smithfield, VA.

Vick: Well, what’s so bad about that? Know what else they do in Smithfield? Make ham. And I don’t see any charging any farmers out there with pig fighting.

Lawyer: Well, they don’t make them fight.

Vick: Well, they should. That would be fucking sweet.

Lawyer: Slaughtering pigs is legal because it’s for commerce.

Vick: But you just said I was being booked for commerce! I made $50,000 off that shit!

Lawyer: It’s just… It’s just not the same.

Vick: (takes bong hit) Well then, that’s fucked up.

Lawyer: It’s says you performed electrocutions. True?

Vick: Hell, yes! I’m the most electrocuting player in the NFL!

Lawyer: And that you drowned them? Hung them? Slammed them to the ground?

Vick: No way, man! I was just being playful. No, wait! That was, like, obedience training and shit. Yeah! I had to drown a bitch or two because they fought TOO MUCH! I prevented them from fighting AGAIN! So, in many ways, I am a hero. How you like that?!

Lawyer: I just… I think you should prepare for the fallout, okay?

Vick: Eh, whatever. Fuck that. (hangs up) I think I better kill the rest of those dogs. I’m tired of these dogs snitching. Priscilla! Come here, girl!

(enter Priscilla)

Vick: Now, you know Ookie loves you, right?

Priscilla: WOOF!

Vick: In fact, he loves you so much, he wants to show you around doggie heaven! You interested?

Priscilla: WOOF!

Vick: I’ll take that as a hell yes!

(grabs cattle prod)

Photo courtesy of The Onion.

UPDATE: This is brutal.

“Man, if they called me Ookie it would really be on,” Vick told ESPN.com’s Page 2 several years ago. “I would really be upset, because nobody else can call me by my nickname but my mom. Unless I give you permission because you really know me, but none of the guys know me real good so they can’t do it. But yeah, that would really get me going.”