Lane Kiffin: What’s the big idea? Who crossed out my name on the door and wrote Lame Duckin? And, hey! What’re you doing in my office?

Greg Knapp: Howdy, Lane! Just trying to see how some of my Thomas Kinkade prints would look on the wall. Oh, this one with the cottage is right purdy.

Kiffin: On whose authority?

Public Address: Vould the owner of a vehicle vith the tags “LN KFFN” please be advised that your has been towed. Blllleeeaaah!

Knapp: His.

Kiffin: But I’m still the coach!

Knapp: Oh yeah. Yeah. Of course you are… Coach.

Kiffin: You took down my authentic cell of Kif!

Just threw it in the trash! Like it was nothing.

Knapp: Jesus, son. [Fishes it out, doesn't bother to wipe off coffee stains] Here. Aren’t you too old to be watching cartoons?

Kiffin: No, actually, not really. In fact, I was gonna test the waters with Animation Domination as a mantra for the year. Whaadaya think?

Knapp: Sounds like a winner.

[Door flies open, stench wafts out]

Tom Cable: Hoooo, man. Just had a commitment to excrement right there. You’re gonna need to let this place aerate a little bit.

Kiffin: You were in my executive washroom!

Cable: And you might wanna execute a little nose pinch if you try to go in there, my man. Anyway, If it’s all the same to you, I’mma hang on to the key.

Kiffin: What about when I gotsta go tinkle?

Cable: Well, we got fields. Lotsa fields. It’ll bring you closer to the fans.

Kiffin: That’s it! I hope Janikowski is ready for some 85-yard field goals in two weeks. I’ll right this ship yet! I’ll… did you already take the pictures of my family out of the frames on the desk?

Knapp: No, actually they came and got them. I think they know what’s up.

Kiffin: Fuck me.

We stuck around after the first Monday Night game for the first half of the Raiders-Broncos tilt last night, and even that felt excessive. One commenter summed it up best when they observed: “The funniest thing about all this is that the Raiders fans look truly surprised that the team sucks.” Truer words…

If you missed out on the entire blessed mess, here are two plays that pretty much embody the whole clusterfuck.