Flubby found this awesome image, but was too busy trying to get his financial planner on the phone to post it himself. I really don’t have anything to add, but if you were to flip this wheel over, every slot would earn you a free spin. 

Image from here, and one more after the jump.

Mary Louise was born Thomas Arthur Cunningham on July 10, 1961. Tom was sick of life as a man, and so he ordered doctors to cut his dick off, all the while popping hormone pills to kill what masculinity Tom had in him. Changing genders is expensive these days, and Tom had to hold up a couple liquor stores to help pony up the cash for it all.

The one thing that Tom’s pills couldn’t kill was her love for football. And when that boy from Peoria, Illinois legally became Mary Louise McGillicutty, she went out for the Chicago Bears cheerleadin’ squad. The team only took 22 girls that year, and when the tryouts were over, Mary Louise finished 23rd. She was devistated.

But there was no way that Mary Louise was going to let any other girl steal her sunshine. Why, that just wasn’t way Ol’ Tom had raised his boy. So she set out in the dead of night, armed with nothing but one of them fancy handbags and a piano wire. They say it takes the desperation of a kook, or a crazy person to take a life, but not Mary Louise. She knew just what she was doing, and all the while, she had her eyes on the prize.

So next mornin’ come and Mary Louise gets a phone call that she made the team after all, and she was elated. The girl had finally realized his dreams of being an honest-to-God cheerleader. But it wasn’t long before the other girls started diggin’ into the past of ol’ Mary Louise, and the night before the first game of the year, those other ladies met in their little dance studio and pushed Ol’ Tom’s boy in a corner.

Well, she didn’t take too kindly to that.

In fact, Mary Louise had a suspicion that the girls might be onto her. That’s why she chained up all the exits in that little studio before climbing out a little hole in the rooftop. And as 21 of the prettiest angry women you ever saw tried to follow her up, Mary Louise poured down a li’l bucket of somethin’ for them to drink.

Gasoline.

Now, you know s’well as I do that it don’t make no sense to set fire to a buildin’ you happen to be standin’ on top of, but ol’ Mary Louise didn’t pay it no mind. She pulled out an old Zippo her daddy had given to him when she was just a boy. She flicked her open and that sucker lit on the first try.

And down the hole it went.

I figure that girl gave her knee a good sprainin’ as she jumped down onto the roof of her El Camino, but that didn’t slow Ol’ Tom’s boy down one bit. She jumped into that car and drove off into the night, never to be heard from again.

And that’s why the Bears don’t have cheerleaders no more.