Hi, Brett! Hi! We love you! Barb made her famous saaassage pat pie for ya! And a peanut butter oreo cheese melt! Welcome back!

Barb, this has to be one of the best days of my life. Remember when we baaat that couch that reclined at both ends? Or that one time we went to TGI Friday’s? This is way better than that. Listen Barb, I know it’s only seven PM, and we ate our early evening dinner aaat our usual five pm, but you think maybe we could bump our mid-evening dinner to right around now? Seeing Brett coming out of thaaat plane makes me hungry… for a chaaampionship! Can you whip up one of your famous kielbaasa milkshakes for me? Don’t skimp on the frasting, ya know!

No wait. This is a special occasion. I think we need to break out the good Dixie china and have ourselves a special kind of dinner, Barb. That’s right. It’s time for you to cook up your famous gorgonzola-stuffed pig steakloaf. Ya know? The one with the whole pig stuffed with a whole calf stuffed with a prime rib stuffed with meat loaf stuffed with a pork chap? I bet that’s the kinda thing they serve over in Paris, ya know?

Oh my Gad! There’s Brett’s car! Right on the tarmaaac! Look at all the caps surrounding him! I think Brett could be President because so many people care about him!

(starts crying)

Gad, this is just such a great moment. I’m so glad our twelve fat children are here to see this, and to help stir the beer cheese soup! Keep stirrin’, kids! Brett needs our support, ya know? Barb, pass me a piece of that Tombstone pizza sandwich we made, where we put a whole ham steak between two Tombstone pizzas! That’s haaat cuisine!

I’ve never felt so proud to be a Paaacker faan. I hope my daughters all grow up to marry you, Brett! They make a mean Dorito pie!