Steve Harvey: Welcome back to Amateur Night at the world-famous Apollo theatre! How’s everybody doin’ tonight? Real good, real good. Our next performer just flew in from Washington, DC, and boy, are his arms tired. Help me give a big Apollo welcome to SENATAH! JOHN! McCAIN!

[McCain walks out. Audience applauds.]

McCain: Friends, did I ever tell you the one Hillary Clinton walked into Barack Obama’s office and said, “Hey, why does your economic plan involve raising taxes on only me?” Obama thought for a second and said, “No, no. I’m raising taxes on the RICH.” Get it?

[Crowd starts to boo]

McCain: What’s the difference between Barack Obama and a bar of soap? We KNOW the soap isn’t Muslim! Hey, these are the jokes, friends. Oh, I had a great one about the environment, just gimme a minute to remember it…

[crowd boos louder]

Crowd: Womp womp! Womp womp!

McCain: And then there’s the one where Barack Obama, Leelee Solbieski, and Mark Fuhrman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “If you’re here to see the goat, I have bad news. The goat is–

[sirens go off, crazy tap-dancing guy runs out]

Sandman Sims: Git y’ass off stage, fool!

McCain:Alright, I’m going, I’m going! Your meast is Aaron Ross, who had two interceptions and a touchdown last week. Thank you Harlem, goodnight!