The Molested by Jack Hanna Region contains two large-predatory-cat-versus-horse pairings. In our desire not to have to write two poststo spice things up somewhat, we’ve decided to conflate the contests and make it a two-on-two, with both members of the winning team advancing in their bracket.

You’re thinking, “hey - it was a lop-sided bout in favor of the cat in the first place, now it’s decidedly in favor of two cats.” Well you’ve got some attitude, mister.

One way to look at it is that cats are like women: territorial and not particularly fond of one another, unlikely to work toward a common goal. Misogynistic reading? Mostly likely. But I didn’t make the rules. God did and He/She/It/Giant Spider is the greatest misogynist of them all. Then again, the cats are facing fucking horses. Who needs teamwork?

The poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Panther and Jaguar won with 78 percent of the vote.

According to Miwok mythology (whatever the fuck that is), the Raven done stole the Sun from the Eagle. Oh snap! GRUDGE MATCH GRUDGE MATCH!

Voting is closed. The Eagle won with 71 percent of the vote.

Gray Eagle had a beautiful daughter, and Raven fell in love with her. He was a snow-white bird, and as a such, he pleased Gray Eagle’s daughter. She invited him to her father’s longhouse.

When Raven saw the Sun, Moon and stars, and fresh water hanging on the sides of Eagle’s lodge, he knew what he should do. He watched for his chance to seize them when no one was looking. He stole all of them, and a brand of fire also, and flew out of the longhouse through the smoke hole. As soon as Raven got outside he hung the Sun up in the sky. It made so much light that he was able to fly far out to an island in the middle of the ocean. When the Sun set, he fastened the Moon up in the sky and hung the stars around in different places. By this new light he kept on flying, carrying with him the fresh water and the brand of fire he had stolen.

He flew back over the land. When he had reached the right place, he dropped all the water he had stolen. It fell to the ground and there became the source of all the fresh-water streams and lakes in the world. Then Raven flew on, holding the brand of fire in his bill. The smoke from the fire blew back over his white feathers and made them black. When his bill began to burn, he had to drop the firebrand. It struck rocks and hid itself within them. That is why, if you strike two stones together, sparks of fire will drop out.

Raven’s feathers never became white again after they were blackened by the smoke from the firebrand. That is why Raven is now a black bird.

We’ve had nothing but chalk results so far in this tournament. Could this be the matchup that ends up shocking the world? Uh, no. In one corner stands a fully loaded Boeing 747 jet, complete with spiral staircase. In the other, uh, a very small red bird. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Jet won with 74 percent of the vote.

JET

Strengths:
-Large
-Made of metal
-Typical cruising speed of 555mph
-6,190 cubic feet of cargo space (but for God’s sake, NO NAIL CLIPPERS!)
-195-ft wingspan. Described by many scouts as having great length
-Twin Cuisinart turbine engines come equipped with three speeds for preparing birds: Chop, Puree, And Liquefy
-Maximum range of 7,900 statute miles (yet they insist on flying long distances only in very large, impractical arches, instead of simply in a straight line. Flying over GREENLAND to reach London? That’s kooky.)
-Your choice of free beverage mid-flight
-Manned by hopefully sober pilot who gets 23 days off every month

Weaknesses:
-Unarmed
-Still not really sure how something that heavy remains airborne for any prolonged length of time
-Never enough room in overhead bin
-Easily taken down and/or redirected by stoic Yemeni man armed only with basic packaging equipment
-Not in first class? You’re fucked.
-In-flight movie “Enchanted” whimsical, but not really substantive
-Ever take a really long flight at night and are unable to fall alseep? Christ, it’s depressing
-Gets its shit ruined by a little wind
-Made by Boeing, possibly missing vital valves and/or landing gear
-That fucking beverage cart
-Never enough room for comfortable knee spreading while on airplane can
-Seat ventilation system blasts single jet of frigid arctic oxygen at hair at 900 mph
-Inevitably 90 minutes late to matchup

Entrance Music:
“Aeroplane,” Red Hot Chili Peppers

CARDINAL

Strengths:
-+1 Pecking ability
-Will be adored by Will Leitch no matter where it migrates
-Small enough to fit comfortably inside myriad engine flywheels
-Bold red color could possibly scare enemy away. Maybe not
-Rabid ornithological fan base ready to stop any activity at the drop of a hat when in its vicinity (My dad: “Andrew! Andrew! Drop that cocktail! There’s a cardinal out the window!!!!”)
-Has the brains to leave Northeast after October
-Adept at splitting open acorns and various tree nuts
-8-inch wingpsan makes it especially imposing to ants and dandelions
-Vicious tweet could potentially awaken enemy earlier than desired
-Tiny bones make him unattractive to predators who don’t like to work for a meal

Weaknesses:
-Small
-Gay
-Unarmed
-Seriously, this thing is dead fucking meat

Entrance Music:
“I’m Like A Bird,” Nelly Furtado

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

At long last, we address the all-important middle seeds and a key NFL demographic: bellicose white guys with guns. Can the Cowboy’s six-shooter make quick word of the summer soldier, found of standing in straight rows in the path of artillery or can the Patriot bayonet him in the dick faster than Horace Greeley told him to go west? WHO YA GOT? As always, poll is on the sidebar to the right and voting is open for the rest of the day. Voting is closed. The Cowboy won with 60 percent of the vote.

It’s our first and possibly only land-based-versus-aquatic-based mammalian showdown. Somebody has to haul the water tank into the Octagon and that’s no easy task. Thank goodness for illegal cheap well-compensated and duly represented labor.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open for roughly a day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 68 percent of the vote.

It’s our first human vs. human matchup. In one corner stands the mighty Viking. In the other, Gus CHIGGGGINS! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Viking won with 79 percent of the vote.

VIKING

Strengths:
-Experienced in forcible entry
-Large axe makes cleaving limbs a relative snap
-Able to set multiple huts aflame with one torch
-Skilled navigator
-Able to get large groups of men to row in unison
-Odin tied with Asmodeus for highest rating in Dungeons and Dragons “Dieties and Demigods” Handbook
-Cool beard
-Crude outfit of baby seal and baby human pelts keeps body warm

Weaknesses:
-Once portrayed by Tim Robbins
-Poor cartographer
-Again with the fucking braids
-May be named Leif
-Representative of my favorite team, which means you will almost certainly vote against him just to piss me off
-That “Pathfinder” movie was total dogshit. Step it up, Karl Urban
-“Rainbow Road” to Valhalla kinda queer
-Travel to Scandanavia so terribly expensive these days

Entrance Music:
“Immigrant Song”

49ER

Strengths:
-Pickaxe
-Unstoppable when he knows gold be near. GOLD, I TELLS YA! GOOOOOOLD!!!!
-Grizzled
-Lived in Bay Area before it got all “gayed up”, likely has never had to befriend lesbian chef couple living next door
-Unafraid of losing two remaining teeth
-Able to transmit any number of then-fatal contagious gastrointestinal diseases to opponent, including smallpox
-Antecedent to the hobo, likely knows rudimentary “Hobo Magic”
-Draws energy from delicious pregame meal of raw wolverine innards with side of “branch stew”
-Feet exceedingly well calloused

Weaknesses:
-Under current US laws, only legally allowed to pan for gold at Knott’s Berry Farm
-Beard in dire need of trim
-Old; frail
-May have polio
-Excessive dry skin will crack and bleed at any kind of joint movement
-Can’t hear you. SPEAK UP, SONNY BOY!

Entrance Music:
Soundtrack from any Ken Burns Documentary

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

The second of our opening round contests pits the mascots of two beleaguered NFC franchises against one another. Only this time, the Lion is heavily favored to win for once.

As usual, the voting is open for a day and can be found on the sidebar to the right. Voting is closed for this contest. The Lion won with 86 percent of the vote.

This opening round match-up pits ursa mighty against one of many retarded fucking horses we’ve got in the running in the mascot tourney. Will Mr. Bear get the chance to eat glue like Ralph Wiggum or will the Bronco learn for sure whether there is truth to the phrase “sweet like bear meat”? Only you can decide.. WHO YA GOT?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed in this contest. The Bear won with 89 percent of the vote.

It’s NCAA tournament time, which means that, in addition to filling out your actual bracket, you will now be deluged with hundreds upon hundreds of phony “mock” brackets designed specifically to waste your time: Hottest Chick Brackets, World’s Awesomest Drummer Brackets, Favorite Whole Grain Brackets, etc. The king of these phony brackets is, of course, the outstanding Name Of The Year. But there’s no reason we at KSK can’t get in on the gimmickry. We were BORN to do something this trivial and idiotic.

And so we have devised quite possibly the dumbest mock bracket of all: Yes, it’s the The KSK Real NFL Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational Tournament!

That’s right, you whores: it’s a 32-entrant Battle Royale to determine which actualized individual NFL team mascot would emerge champion in a series of head-to-head matchups. Can a REAL Redskin beat a REAL Cowboy? I think history has already proven the answer to that question (WHITE PEOPLE RULE!). Ah, but what about a REAL Bear versus a REAL Viking, with a frothing mouth and two-sided battle axe? Aw, yeah. Now we’re fucking talking.

Click on the bracket to enlarge it, then print it out, and fill out your choices. I suggest you fill out this bracket only after smoking a very large bowl, for these sorts of arguments make far more sense when you’re higher than fucking Redman. All week, we’ll be polling the first round matchups, all the way through to the championship three weeks from now. But first, an explanation of seeding from the Selection Committee. We had to think hard about this. And thinking hard is hard!

That’s why we abandoned our deliberations early and arranged the bracket in a completely arbitrary fashion. Which is how the Giant ended up only a 2-seed and what not. But fuck it, that’ll just make for more pointless arguin’. Seedings aside, here are my overall rankings of the field, in accordance with the real-life inspiration for each team’s nickname.

VERY FUCKING LARGE HUMAN BEINGS AND AIRPLANES
1. Titan
2. Jet
3. Giant

THINGS THAT WOULD EAT TIMOTHY TREADWELL
4. Bear
5. Lion
6. Bengal
7. Jaguar
8. Panther

RAPERS/PILLAGERS/HOMOSEXUALS BY NECESSITY
9. Buccaneer
10. Raider (These would be armed pirates, like in the movies. Yes, they’re bloodthirsty, ruthless bands of scallywaggers, but they’re still kinda swishy)
11. Viking (NOTE: The Viking was made a 1-seed due to my disgusting and blatant homerism)

Flubby: How can the Raider be ranked behind the team that stole their gimmick (the Bucs)?

Ape: Only a true pirate can steal pirate gimmicks from another pirate.

It’s also worth noting that the Buccaneer has TWO eyes, while Raider has only one.

ARMED MEN
12. Cowboy
13. Texan (Punter: “I’m thinking of Texan as an inhabitant of the Republic of Texas, which existed from 1836 to 1845.”)
14. Patriot (Let’s assume it’s revolutionary guy who looks like the dude on the Samuel Adams bottle. I can’t remember what that dude’s name is. I think it’s Miles Standish.)

INDIANS (FEATHER DIVISION)
15. Chief
16. Redskin

Punter: Do Redskins and Chiefs both own casinos? They could finance some fine armaments if they did.

Me: No, they live in a teepee and have only blowguns and tomahawks to defend themselves. This draft will be done according to most basic stereotype.

PREDATORY BIRDS (BUT STILL, JUST FUCKING BIRDS)
17. Falcon
18. Eagle
19. Seahawk

MEN OF RANDOM OCCUPATIONS
20. 49er
21. Steeler
22. Bill (Buffalo Bill Cody, when he was alive)
23. Brown (Paul Brown, when he was alive)
24. Packer

Ape: At first I was upset that the prospector was above the steelworker, but then he does have that fucking pickax

FUCKING LAMEASS HORSES
25. Colt
26. Bronco
27. Charger (I did NOT know a Charger was a kind of horse before “researching” for this)

Things Fondled By Jack Hanna
28. Dolphin
29. Raven (Ape: “It has a terrifying literary tradition, sure, but any human could make short work of one.”)
30. Ram

Punter: A Dolphin could kick Paul Brown’s ass. Dolphins are vicious, Drew. Don’t let their pretty bottle noses deceive you!

Me: You’ve watched Treehouse of Horror XI too many times. Dolphins are fucking homos.

Just As Weak And Helpless As The Team They Represent
31. Cardinal
32. Saint

THE RULES
These matchups will take place… IN AN OCTAGON!

Punter: How do you fit a fucking jet inside an Octagon?

Me: It’s a really big Octagon.

Also, our aquatic friend Flipper will be able to fight from inside a tank placed in the Octagon. And no vessels for the rapers and pillagers. They must get by on their own guile!

There’s also the issue of the jet. We argued about what kind of jet because there’s a difference between a French Concorde and a fucking fighter jet.

Ufford: Something to keep in mind about the Jets: a jet is simply an airplane with a turbine engine. You’re not going to be getting an F/A-18 prepped for combat. But that engine is gone fuck any bird mascots. Could make for an interesting matchup.

Punter argued it should be a passenger jet on a kamikaze mission.

Ape: Wouldn’t the Jet be disqualified after the first round, considering it has to destroy itself to beat an opponent?

This is why we came up with the rule that each mascot is fully healed by the next matchup.

Ape: What good is an unmanned jet? They aren’t sentient beings, you know. Couldn’t one of the human mascots crash it while parachuting out ahead of time?

Me: The Jet is manned! And it’s a fucking Harrier Jet.

Ufford: (no doubt quoting from some military site he jerks off to) Harriers, AKA “Scariers” AKA “Widowmakers” have a notorious tendency to lose an engine during Vertical Takeoff/Landing (VTOL), resulting in the plane flipping upside down as it crashes into the ground/carrier deck. They also have short “time on station” due to limited fuel capacity and can only carry two 500-lb bomb — half the payload of the average attack jet.

Me: Fucking Ufford with his military know-how. Paul Brown would kick your ass, sailor boy.

Let’s just say the jet is a manned airplane with a turbine engine and no weaponry.

As you can see, laying the groundwork for seedings and rules proved an incredible challenge. No imaginary bracket for jackasses is perfect, but this is our best effort. And by best effort, I mean AN effort. Thankfully, the Maj was out of town, so he couldn’t find some retard way of shoehorning Ricardo Mayorga into this or something.

So get ready to vote. We’ll be posting individual matchups all month long, along with completely half-assed photoshops, detailed matchup analysis and tales of the tape, and video of each mascot in killing action when possible.

Let’s get killin’!