For absolutely no reason at all, we present you with the battle for supremacy amongst Native American mascots. Will it be the wisdom of the aged Chief, or the guy with a reddish hue? Only you can decide.

Competitors

Chief——————————————————Redskin

Probable Tribe
Wyandott————————————————-Patawomeck

Reach
Extends throughout his tribe——–As far as you can throw a tomahawk

Represented by…
Robert Parish———————————————Japazeus

Strengths
Stoic leadership, rebounding————–Duplicitousness, canoe building
Working with white man—————————-Working with white man

Leads to…
Formation of the 500 Nations————————Fancy new toys
3 titles with the Celtics——————————Abduction of Pocahontas

Weakness
Working with white man————————-Working with white man

Leads to…
Set-up by the FedEx guy—————-Destruction of an indigenous people

The poll is up on the top right and it will be open through the rest of the day. This should be intense!

That’s right. I’m calling this one even before the vote. I defy you to decide otherwise. Might as well advance the bracket already.

Voting (not that it matters) is opening through the rest of the day. Voting is closed on this contest. The Jet won with 54 percent of the vote.

The second round gets underway with the pairing of the burly, savage bear and the speedy, diminutive falcon. Each has cut its teeth (or beak) in the arena of death, but only one can advance while the other is ground into hot dogs in time for Opening Day. A quick review follows.

Bear
Pro:
-Host of Gentle Ben!
-Climbs trees!
-Noted for prowess in America threatening
-Likeness featured on California flag
-Godless!
-Killing!
-Machine!

Con:
-Possibly hibernating
-Average bear not that smart. Sorry Yogi.
-Inability to kill Christopher Robin
-Polar version shills for Coke

Falcon
Pro:
-Can fly!
-Talons even sharper than Jew claw!
-Benefit of being a raptor without having to wear purple and live in Toronto
-Peregrine Falcon is fastest moving creature on Earth
-This:

Con:
-Diet typically consist of other birds, usually ones old people are feeding
-New kicker Jason Elam has them concentrating on killing religious radicals
-Just a fucking bird

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 79 percent of the vote.

Through one week of tossing darts at the board, the majority of the top seeds remain. We had a tight race between Paul Brown and the Texan but otherwise the races haven’t been anything resembling close. We’re (okay, I’m) hoping at least that as the field winnows down, we will have a few closer tabulations, or, you know, the Steeler coming back somehow. UFFORD JOBBED HIM GODDAMMIT!

Before Pittsburgh became an outpost of urban blight on the edge of Appalachia, it was a bustling steel town that made the name Steeler synonymous with the town’s muscular, blue-collar work force (as opposed to today’s overweight unemployed force). The steelworker faces up against Buffalo Bill Cody, the Civil War vet, Western frontiersman, and pseudo-circus ringleader who inspired the name for Buffalo’s football team for no better reason than it was a decent play on words. It’s up to you to determine the winner… WHO DO YOU HAVE AS MORE MACHO?

#4 STEELER

Strengths

- Burly
- Square jaw can withstand punching
- Able to consume massive amounts of shitty beer
- Has hot stuff; coming through
- Might have a pipe or wrench or something, I don’t know

Weaknesses

- Evolving global economy
- Techno music
- MEN!

#5 Buffalo Bill

Strengths

- Handy with a six-shooter
- Killed 4,280 bison in six 18 months. Fuck you, PETA!
- Background as cavalry scout lends to stealth
- Full name of Wild West show was “Buffalo Bill’s Wild West and Congress of Rough Riders of the World,” which isn’t a strength per se, but c’mon. That’s pretty fucking sexy.
- Only NFL mascot to be awarded the Medal of Honor

Weaknesses

- Indian-killing reputation marred by employing Sitting Bull
- Played Custer during reenactment of Battle of Little Big Horn
- Facial hair ridiculous even by 19th century standards
- Totally sold out, man

Vote on the sidebar to the right. Poll closes at the end of the day.

(All Buffalo Bill facts from Wikipedia)

This matchup might appear to be one-sided on paper: Brobdingnagian versus lowly abattoir wage slave. But before you jump to any rash conclusions, remember Andre was only slightly larger than your average steer. Plus, they know how to get rid of the bodies. Incidentally, this bracket is only more fucked up than my NCAA one (thanks, Temple and Georgia).

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open until the end of today.

The specific and the abstract stare each other down, with former Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengal head coach and stadium namesake Paul Brown taking on a Texan, circa 1836-1845, when it was still a rugged frontier rather than a sprawling wasteland of high school football obsessed fat people.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting is open through the end of the day. Voting is closed. Paul Brown won with slightly over 50 percent of the vote, by a total margin of 12 votes, 718-706.

The conservative right is basking in this sort of religion-meets-religion matchup, as the Greeks take on the Italians, while the Germans and Irish sit around and drink beer. TO WHOM SHALL YOUR VOTE GO? Voting is closed. The Titan won with 74 percent of the vote.
	Contestants
Titan		Saint
	Home Field
Mount Othrys		Heaven
	Origins
Ancient Greek mythology		Greek Christian literature
	Hobbies
Destroying younger, sexier Olympian gods		Destroying younger, sexier altar boys
	Fundamental Weakness
Never really existed		Actually already dead
	Theoretical Weakness
Oily skin, terrible-tasting food		Over-dependence on FEMA
	Finishing Move
Slaying relatives in quest for power		Waiting for Kill Kill Kill NIT

I could have sworn we did this matchup already, and indeed we did.

Vote in the sidebar and consider this an open thread to discuss the NCAA’s, boobs, liquor, or anything else of your choosing.

Voting is closed. The Redskin won with 57 percent of the vote.

Why did we pair two fairly similar types of birds against one another in the first round? And why did also match up jungle cats against horses so often, and pirates against Indians so many times? I’ll tell you why: Because we’re fucking retards, that’s why. Anyway, this matchup features the trusty falcon (he’s the stuff dreams are made of!) against the Seahawk, nee osprey. We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Falcon won with 55 percent of the vote.

FALCON

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!

Weaknesses:
-Is it supposed to be pronounced FAWL-kun? Annoying.
-Sam Spade told me it’s a fake! A fake, I tells ya!
-Needs one of those adorable little leather bird helmets
-Not so tough if pitted against a smattering of buckshot
-Not particularly edible
-Possible relative of Footsteps Falco

Entrance Music:
“Rock Me Amadeus”

SEAHAWK

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!
-Never pretended to know something about Matt Ufford because they saw a picture online! Also never asked him for money!

Weaknesses:
-Lamprey > Osprey
-Looks kinda arrogant up there, if you ask me
-Large hooked nose means he’s probably devious with money
-Get feathers ruffled if you ruffle his feathers
-Always out to sea, and you know what that means: gayer than a fire engine

Entrance Music:
“Overblown,” Mudhoney

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!