At long last, your Kill Kill Kill Tournament comes down to a sadistic zookeeper’s dream: Bengal versus Bear. Naturally, we’d be more than content than have the little ones have it out for our love. Take it away, tykes.

Rather, this will be settled in the arena of cereal, the last redoubt of bored slackers like us the world ’round. WHO YA GOT?

Bear
Pro:

- Worthy of extensive history of iconography
-Again, the Godless Killing Machine thing
- Judging from picture, clearly ‘roiding
- Dutifully pays the bear tax

Con:
-No cereal makes your pee smell more than Golden Crisp.
-Get too many and it’s like “A freaking country bear jamberoo”
-Weakness for honey pot
-Often confused for Logan Mankins

Tiger
Pro:

-Employs Tiger Style

-Exxon Tiger is bleeding me dry
-Tiger Uppercut most vicious, also fun to say
-Apparently has a boat (SO THAT’S WHY HE BEAT DOLPHIN!)
-Inspired excellent William Blake poem
-Less flamboyantly gay than Tigger

Con:
-Frosted Flakes soggy after negative two seconds in milk.
-Also cutting back on sugar to appear healthy. Fuck you. Back to Chocolate Frosted Sugar Bombs for me.
- Fearful symmetry too symmetrical
-Inspired annoying Comcast commercial

Who gets to face the Bengal in our Kill Kill Kill Championship? I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t rooting for the bear, because I bet a quick YouTube search could find me a bitchin’ Bear vs. Tiger fight. But first, the Bear must beat the tourney’s overall #1 seed, the dreaded Titan. Let’s rig it! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

TITAN

The Titan you’re voting on is Phoebe, Titan of the moon. Lame. According to myth, she gave birth to Leto. I’m assuming that means Jared Leto, who’s a total douche. Look at this fatty.

Way to gain 5,000 lbs. for a shitty Mark David Chapman biopic, asshead. I guess Leto is a Method Douche. He received classical training in douchebaggery from Lee Strasberg himself.

BEAR

The Bear you’re voting on is famed Marvel comic mutant Ursa Major. By day. Mikhail Ursus is your garden variety Soviet Super-Soldier. But by night, he’s a goddamn BEAR! With claws and fangs and all that shit! He grew up in the wild, so he knows the terrain! Also, according to Wikipedia:

In the space of a few seconds, Ursa Major can, at will, turn himself into a bear-like creature, larger and more anthropomorphic than an ordinary ursine. In this form he possesses super-strength and animal-like senses while retaining his human intelligence and speech, although his behavior and personality become more beast-like.

Take that, Ant Man! Fag!

Bizarre side note: I used to have all the Marvel Universe comics when I was a kid. Those were the comic books that listed all the Marvel characters in alphabetical order and detailed their history and all their abilities. I loved checking them out, but I hated ACTUAL comic books. I liked reading about all the awesome shit Marvel heroes could do, but I was bored out of my fucking mind seeing them in action. Go figure.

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

The Chief has already withstood one battle against a band of seafaring marauders in addition to the anguish of killing one of his own. Now, it’s back to the seafaring marauders, just this time they don’t have guns. Apparently you voters have taken an about-face on the top seeds and Chief is the biggest underdog going into the round. Who advances to meet the TIGAH!?

Viking
Pro:
-In pairs, have amusing viral videos.
-Makes a nice refrigerator
-Again, probably named Leif
-Ragnarök an effective spell in Final Fantasy III

Con:
-Is Ralph Wiggum in Dreamland
-Just signed Gus Frerrote (Again!)
-Thor movie will probably suck
-Beloved by Drew
-Inspired the Nazis (probably all that blond hair)
-Rare breed of extinct white people

Chief
Pro:
-Leader
-Cigar store Indian very imposing
-slang for smoking weed
-Would like to clear up the myths about this scalping business
-Headdress distractingly flamboyant

Con:
-Leader of side that lost
-Defined by job title
-Can be used as patronizing term of affection
-Old
-Rain Dance of little use in this case
-Possibly named Chief-Loses-To-Viking

We’ve already had one upset here in the Regional Finals of the KSK Real Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational. Can the pesky Bengal tiger put the underdogs at 2-for-2? Or will the mighty lion assert his dominance? Judging by the above video, he’s a cutter and runner! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 63 percent of the vote.

LION

Strengths:
-King of the jungle
-Just a gangsta stalkin’
-Living life like a firecracka, quick is his fuse
-Makes the woman lion do all the work. Good stuff
-Teeth
-Claws
-Night vision

Weaknesses:
-Mufassssa!
-Cowardly
-Needs couwage. COUWAGE!
-No heart
-What’s with the mane, Simba? Are you such a pussy that a light breeze necessitates a permanent shrug made from your own hair?
-Whiskers
-Wait! Waaaait! He never had a chance to love you!
-Always asleep behind a fucking bush during daylight hours at the zoo when I paid good money to watch him feast upon a fresh elephant carcass
-Guitarist Vito Bratta more interested in dazzling technique than good songcraft
-Gets all whiney when the children cry. One united world under God? What a douche.
-Nittany lion? Gay.
-When I was a kid, I used to go to a video store run by a creepy dude named Lion who had the WORST fucking recommendations for movies. He was always saying shit like, “Hey, have you seen ‘That Old Feeling,’ with Bette Midler and Dennis Farina? Hoo hoo. What a movie. I mean it. What. A. Movie.”

Entrance Music:
“Gold Lion,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs

BENGAL

Strengths:
-Claws
-Teeth
-GREEEEEEEEAT!!!!!
-Makes totally awesome imaginary friend
-Staying in one of those hotel on stilts in Nepal where the tigers are roaming around underneath? Dude, they totally know you’re up there.
-Tiger! Tiger!
-Burning bright
-In the forests of the night
-What immortal hand or eye
-Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-Excellent golfer despite bizarre Cablinasian ancestry
-Handles Siberian winter with good cheer
-Stripes make great camoflauge. Where’s the tiger? Where’s the tiger? CHOMP! You’re fucked

Weaknesses:
-Couldn’t finish Roy off
-Forgot to maim Siegfried
-Frosted Flakes get soggy in milk after 4 seconds
-Often confused with taiga, type of barren land dominated by conifers
-Orange color caused by hideous spray-on tan job from Charlize Theron’s stylist
-Ragged Tiger joined forces with Seven to help create subpar Druan Duran album
-Overexposed as college mascot
-That Tigger sure is one lazy tigger

Entrance Music:
IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIIIIIIIIIGER!

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

Bear:

Represented by the UCLA Bruin. If you’re getting a little tired of UCLA winning, as it seems some are, you probably shouldn’t vote for the Bear. Bruins also represent that Boston hockey team, and we know what you all think of Boston.

Stephen Colbert has made the bear out to be a “godless killing machine” and the label has caught on. Remember, though - his tongue is firmly planted in cheek as with all other things. The bear is actually quite devout and not very machine-like at all. They’re actually pretty lazy creatures.

Jet:

Possesses “smart bombs” that frequently miss targets and kill hordes of civilians. Cost to taxpayer via ridiculously bloated Defense Department budget: a cool $30 million. Only as good as the person flying it, which could be Chad Pennington. F-22 Raptor (pictured) not designed as resistant to bear claws (pastry, nor actual claw).

Like Bear, is able to roll around and do tricks for the amusement of yokels. Unlike Bear, requires “Rock You Like a Hurricane” for production value. Also loses points for failure to bomb the galactically stupid self-aggrandizing dipshit Arianna Huffington.

Voting is closed on this contest. The Bear won with 52 percent of the vote.

We’re done with our internecine (pretentious!) fighting for now, and ready to get back to what’s important: determining the most murderous of the mascots. We’re down to the Elite Eight and have reached one overriding, indisputable conclusion: you people hate upsets. Other than the Chief in the Construda Region, there’s not anything beyond a 1 or 2 seed to be found. We take it as a compliment to our seeding abilities, but shit - let’s make this interesting.

One thing is readily apparent from the results of the Kill, Kill, Kill bracket thus far: you bastards love the chalk. All four of the big cats– like other high seeds– sailed through the first round. Subtle attempts by fellow Mafia members to spur some upsets have been underwhelming at best. Accordingly, we are stepping up our efforts to subvert democracy.

The tiger you are voting on is Daniel Stripèd Tiger from Mister Roger’s Neighborhood. He has some serious self-esteem issues and for some reason wears a watch even though he lives inside of a friggin’ clock. His best friends are an alcoholic lesbian museum curator and a pompous owl who thinks he knows every goddam thing there is to know. Only a quivering nancy would vote for him.

The jaguar, on the other hand, is a Jaguar XF with three hot chicks hanging on it. If you don’t vote for the Jag it means you don’t like cars or girls. Enjoy your skateboard, fruit-loop.

The lion you are voting on is Snagglepuss. Snagglepuss is a third-tier character from Hanna-Barbera. He never got his own show and his principal claim to fame is hosting the Laff-a-Lympics. Snagglepuss is without a doubt the most pathetic specimen in the annals of lion-dom (not counting, of course the Detroit Lions). If you love America, you will not vote for the lion.

The panther you are voting on is the one from L.L. Cool J’s “Walking with a Panther” album cover. Pros: He wears a gold rope chain and keeps top secret shit in a Haliburton briefcase. Cons: Fuck you, what did you not understand about the gold rope chain??? If you don’t vote for the panther, you are worthless in the eyes of your God, and should probably consider suicide.

Vote at the top of the right column. The poll closes at the end of the day. Voting is closed. The Bengals won with 56 percent of the vote and the Lion won with 54 percent.

With the Viking taking a small but noticeable lead over the Cowboy, all #1 seeds in the tournament have been safe thus far. Is this the matchup that changes all that? Will that literally huge Titan-Giant Elite Eight contest get derailed by ol’ Buffalo Bill and his trusty musket? We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

TITAN

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-God
-Begat other Gods
-Swallows own children
-Can produce ocean nymph in a relative snap
-Titan Rhea always quick with a one-liner when in the vicinity of drunken, lonely, know-it-all mailman
-Titan Atlas very good with directions to Shreveport

Weaknesses:
-Tough to fight with child’s arm stuck in mouth
-Goya interpretation leaves much to be desired. Not liking that shading
-Bony
-Cut yer hair, you goddamn Greek hippie
-Bug eyes suggest possible ancestor of Jennifer Wilbanks
-Possibly chained to rock, with eagle tearing at liver. Not fun
-Huh huh… Uranus
-Titan Phoebe easily the most annoying Titan hanging out at Central Perk
-Titan Hyperion published Candace Bushnell books. Fuck her, man
-Dude, this queer defeated you? Weak
-Atlas carrying quite a load there

Entrance Music:
“Gods of War,” Def Leppard

BILL

Strengths:
-Gun
-May have killed a Southerner or two
-Kinda looks like Robert Altman
-We’re assuming he’s ALIVE here, people
-Assisted in ridding cluttered American landscape of unsightly buffalo
-Did he fight at the Alamo? Let’s just assume he did.
-…….used to
-…….ride a watersmooth-silver
-………………….stallion
-and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlike that
-……………………………Jesus
-he was a handsome man
-………….and what i want to know is
-how do you like your blueeyed boy
-Mister Death

Weaknesses:
-Once worked as a “bullwhacker,” which is probably exactly what you think it is
-Mother’s maiden name was Laycock. What a whore.
-Pushed for the rights of Native Americans and women. What a bleeding heart!
-Nasty chaw habit

Entrance Music:
“One,” U2

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

This intriguing matchup places the generously-seeded #1 Viking against the #4 Cowboy. Winner will face the Chief in the next round, which has to motivate the Cowboy as he steps into the Octagon. Further hindering the morose Norseman: the realization that everything cool about Vikings — horned helmets, skull cups, savage marauding, uncleanliness — is all bullshit. Ouch. Drew didn’t see that one coming.

Poll is on the sidebar to the right. Voting will remain open until the end of the day.

It’s a seemingly lopsided 2-6 matchup. Could the very large Giant be looking past the relatively diminutive Coach Paul Brown? I think so, because Brown is short enough to be out of range of the Giant’s vision. Yes, this absolutely screams TRAP IMAGINARY FIGHT to me. But I, alas, am not the ultimate arbiter of this confrontation. YOU, fickle America, will be the one to decide! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

GIANT

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he’s your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN

Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!