Lost in the insanity of boozy Jay Cutler and songs we hate, we forgot to properly anoint our Kill Kill Kill Tournament champion, The Bear.
Drew would have preferred it be Bear Grylls, but our Bear cut an impressive swath of destruction, beating some of the tourney’s clear favorites, including Jet and Titan. Not sure how exactly. Possibly with claws and teeth and Paddington’s rain galoshes.
Lucky for Bear that overexposed comedians who can’t turn down a script didn’t get a slot, though I think Vegas is contemplating that mascot for their team.
By reaching the Final Four of the Kill Kill Kill Tournament, we’ve pretty much exhausted all available jokes and references for the mascots remaining. Trolling through the Sunday funnies yesterday, I found a good angle for our first semifinal contest. Hopefully The Comics Curmudgeon doesn’t sue us.
Viking Pro: -Considerable longevity despite complete lack of humor -Horrible, supposedly -Stone-sized feet can deliver lethal blow -Facial hair disturbing even to an animal
Con: -Not sure what separates Vikings from the other warriors in the above comic -Above comic not funny -Not as horrible as shrewy wife -Inexplicably wears white shirt under what appears to be a straw toga -Sword awfully stubby, looks like made of cardboard -Shield chipped
Bengal Pros: -Wry observations on human nature -Established record of fooling humans -Excellent pouncing ability -Jolly
-Appears in actual good comic -Access to a transmogrifier
Con: -Only mobile when Calvin is around -Named after philosopher (Pretentious!) -causes scientific process to go boink -Possibly gay for himself (Link is kinda NSFW)
After trudging through a pretty chalky procession through the first two rounds, we had two top seeds go down in the Elite 8. We’re hoping to bring the Kill Kill Kill Tournament to a close by the midpoint of this week, because, well, with the actual tournament getting done tonight, it loses its already tenuous relevance in a hurry.
Our last regional final could easily have been the championship match had we not been so arbitrary in our seeding. Alas, these two behemoths square off right now. Who takes it? Whose cuisine reigns supreme? We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?
NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting in this contest is closed. The Titan won with 66 percent of the vote.
TITAN
Strengths: -Big -One of Saturn’s most noticeable moons. It has lakes of methane! Just like my toilet after a bowl of lentil soup! -Poop the size of a goddamn battleship -Sometimes goes by cool nickname “Big T” -Clears out a Pizza Hut lunch buffet like no one’s business -Knows an excellent preparation for Blackened Child
Weaknesses: -Greek. Filthy. -Hogs all the fried calamari to himself -Come on, man. You’re gonna vote for the odds-on favorite? BO-RING -Cronus lookin’ a little long in the tooth there -Eats the baby’s heart first when everyone knows the brain is the best part -Needs entire Alaskan glacier to relieve hemorrhoid pain -Judging by this painting, doesn’t exactly look all that big. I expected a titan to be bigger than Bill fucking Walton. I think it’s because Europeans is so goddamn tiny, especially Europeans back then. “OOOH! Look at that six foot tall man! He’s a TITAN! Sacre bleu!”
Entrance Music: “Big Poppa”
GIANT
Strengths: -Big -Strong -Knows the distinct odor of an Englishman -Makes a grand entrance at any gala event -Wouldn’t you love to see a giant man fight a giant monkey, like King Kong vs. Paul Bunyan? God, I’d love that
Weaknesses: -Slingshot -Wiseacre rabbits
Entrance Music: “Big Guns,” Skid Row (“She got the BIG GUNS! Pointin’ at my heart! BANG BANG SHOOTIN’ LIKE A FIRIN’ SQUAD!”)
Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!
