I’m beginning to understand why girlfriends don’t like men playing fantasy sports. In all my time writing the mailbag, I’ve never seen so many people write, “No sex question this week, just fantasy.”

Well, while we do occasionally make exceptions for people with only one kind of problem, this is the Internet’s first and — I think — only mailbag that offers both sex and fantasy football advice, so those people get priority. To everyone else with tunnel vision for their fantasy drafts: sorry. Go out there and get herpes, and then we’ll talk.

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I’m going to start by turning the tables. I’ve got a money league where I can keep one guy drafted between rounds 2-9, and one guy from rounds 10-16. I picked up Jamaal Charles in the 12th round last year, so that settles one keeper. But my other keeper is going to be either Matt Schaub (7th) or LeSean McCoy (9th). It’s gotta be McCoy, right? Or do you Texans fans have insider information that I should know about?

Anyway, on to your problems. It’s always about YOU, isn’t it? You you you.

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Superman got to Gay City mere minutes after Prop 8 was repealed. (via)

Wow. With fantasy drafts quick approaching, people’s sex lives are getting more messed up than ever. In this behemoth 5000-word mailbag, we address pregnancy scares, drafting from the wraparound position, bisexual wives, hitting on widows, ball-shaving, the Dallas Cowboys, when not to share your secret fantasies with your partner, the weekly sad sack who can’t talk to girls, and much more. My sincerest apologies to those emailers whose questions didn’t make the cut, but the last writer I want to be compared to is Gregg Easterbrook. Well, second-to-last.

Anyway, let’s get do this.

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Greetings. We’ve got a full mailbag this week (5400-plus words), and for once I was actually kind of diligent on Wednesday night and didn’t spend the evening drinking and ignoring your questions. That means there are some thoughtful answers below. And — yes — some mean ones, too. And some grammar-Nazism.

And yet people still write in every week. Believe me, I’m as surprised as you are.

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Believe it or not, this is actually a very special edition of the mailbag. Many of the sex questions this week were fed through a panel of three women — all of them attractive, in their late twenties, and not figments of my imagination. Their input influenced many of my answers, and was extremely helpful at times (vaginal epilation) and complicating at others (the female orgasm).

But the important thing to remember is that we’re ONLY A MONTH AWAY FROM FANTASY DRAFT TIME. WOOOOOOO!!!!!

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Oh, hello there. I didn’t see you come in. Don’t mind me, I’m just going through the pictures I took during my Mexican beach vacation. I’m afraid I ended up with some regrettable tan lines, but you have to admit: that mask is incredibly debonair.

This week’s mailbag is a little thin, but the issues are far-ranging. Should one nail a divorcée after turning her down while she was married? Sluts or shy girls: which is better? Is this stupid fantasy team name cool? Drafting strategy: should you have one? And so on. Let’s do this.

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Our friend, Mr. Ufford is enjoying some time off in parts unknown, but the Mailbag must go on. Unfortunately most of the submissions were sent directly to Matt, so I’m left with just a few questions from the readers. Fortunately one of you had the foresight to include some tits. Much appreciated.

Continue after the jump for a short edition of the mailbag, where we touch on such critical issues as female nipple hair [ed. note: shudder] and throwback weekends.

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It’s that time of the week again. I don’t have much to add in the way of exposition here, but I’d like to point out that next week I’ll be vacationing in Mexico, so be sure to send your queries for next week’s mailbag to the KSK hotline, not to me personally.

Now, on with the show!

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All right, I hope everyone enjoyed the little break from KSK. I know that I certainly feel refreshed after a week off.

*checks inbox*

*reads ANOTHER question about a guy talking about the “friend zone”*

*grits teeth*

Well, there goes cheerful Caveman. Buckle up, this ride might get bumpy.

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Allow me to open with an apology. I started the paleo diet this week, and for the next month my diet consists almost entirely of meat, fruit, and vegetables. No beer, no sugar, no salt, no bread, no cheese. I allow myself to bend the rules by having milk, red wine, and tequila, but other than that I’m only eating the foods that paleolithic man had access to. It’s actually kind of nice: yesterday I had six slices of bacon with breakfast, I’ve never eaten so much fresh produce before, and I’m cooking almost all of my meals for myself. .

The downside is that, holy Jesus, I’m hungry all the time. Hungry and unable to drink bourbon is no way to answer a mailbag, and yet that’s precisely what I’ve done. So if I seem a little testier than usual this week, please take into consideration my grumbling stomach and painful sobriety. Here we go.

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