First things first: AHHHH THURSDAY NIGHT GAME!!! Set your lineup now!

Phew. Okay.

It’s interesting to see the way sexbag submissions have changed over time. For a while there was a weekly refrain of dudes looking to convince women to have anal sex. Sexbag 2.0 featured a bunch of sad sacks living in the “friend zone.” And the most recent incarnation is guys (and girls) dealing with break-ups and/or long-distance relationships.

While it’s nice to see that the sexbag readership has matured, I also can’t think of too many different ways to say, “It’s over. Move on.” So if your break-up didn’t make this week’s edition, I apologize. I can’t give you any new insight short of starting an “It Gets Better” campaign for people who are heartbroken. And I’m not gonna do that.

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Reminder: All advertisements lie.

I apologize that the mailbag is dropping after 5:00 Eastern once again, but we had some long-winded (and depressing) entries that I felt needed inclusion this week. So use the bathroom now, because this bad boy clocks in at almost 5000 words.

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What an infuriating week for fantasy football managers. Kenny Britt sat out a quarter and a half, then put up 200 yards and three TDs. Darren McFadden was supposed to get limited touches, then scored four touchdowns in Denver. Lee Evans — *$%#ing LEE EVANS — scored three times against the vaunted Ravens D in Baltimore.

I get infuriated when coaches and quarterbacks don’t spread the offensive production around to my players. Due to injuries and byes, I had to start Nate Washington at receiver. He had one catch for seven yards. That’s it. GODDAMMIT KERRY COLLINS. Nate Washington is RIGHT THERE! Stop throwing to Britt!!! I also got lackluster games from Tony Gonzalez (while Roddy White had 200 yards and 2 TDs) — Oh, never mind. I’ll shut up. You just want to read about sex. Well, freshen up your fish taco and continue reading.

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Brutal, brutal week for me. I got my first “manager-error” loss of the season in Week 6. I don’t mind losing, but when THREE guys on my bench do better than the guys that I started, well, that’s just my own damn fault. It’s much more fun when you can blame the players.

On the love-and-sex side of things, Unsilent Majority’s wedding was a blast. However, about 90 minutes before the wedding was scheduled to start, the hotel’s fire alarm went off. And went off. And went off. Even after they announced that there was no fire, the alarm still went off for FORTY MINUTES. It was maddening.

Later on, I talked to a guy in the elevator who said that he was a guest at an earlier wedding. And the fire alarm went off RIGHT AS THEY WERE EXCHANGING VOWS. Apparently, the bride walked straight back down the aisle and slapped the concierge. Brutal.

Plus side: now you know how to get a refund on your wedding.

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First things first this week. I’m gonna talk about my fantasy football team for a paragraph or so. Later on in the mailbag, I’ll share a paragraph about my sex life, but for now behold:

Ouch. That right there is the final score of my Week 5 loss to flubby in the KSK Keeper League, which sullied my bid to go 5-0 in both of my fantasy leagues. I survived Jermichael Finley’s goose egg and had a narrow lead entering Monday night, but flub had Mark Sanchez yet to play. All I needed in the final four minutes of the game was a SINGLE KNEELDOWN from Sanchez for -2 rushing yards, but NOOOOOOO. Favre’s game-sealing interception had to get returned for a touchdown, resulting in another Vikings possession.

Damn you, fantasy football. Such a fickle mistress.

(On the plus side, I briefly stopped sucking at FanDuel. Nothing eases the pain of loss like gambling winnings.)

What’s that? You don’t care about my fantasy football team? Dammit, I listen to your sob stories every week, allow me this one indulgence. No? Okay, FINE. Let’s get to your questions.

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This GIF image has nothing to do with today’s mailbag content; I just happen to enjoy it (as with most of the other gifts from Holy Maury Mother of God).

Before we continue, a quick reiteration about the length of your email submissions. Remember, I’m a blogger: the combination of TweetDeck, GIF images, email, and constant deadlines has whittled away my attention span to that of a small insect. Most of my ~8 posts per day are in the neighborhood of 200-250 words, because that’s a digestible amount of communication that allows me to introduce a story, provide a slice of news, and make a joke.

With that in mind, if you write 1,127 words about your nine-year history with a girl you love, it’s unlikely that it will get included in the mailbag over the email with this subject line: S/FF Questions (less than 50 words, mofo). I know that this is a big and complex world with big and complex problems that take a while to explain, but I am a small-minded and quickly bored person. To the editors go the spoils.

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Before we get into this week’s mailbag, let’s all stop to admire the fine work PUNTE did with the ‘bag last week. Much, much funnier than my best work, so I’ll be happy to cede the mailbag to him full-time after I die at Fight Gone Bad next weekend. Whether from physical exertion or embarrassment, I don’t know. But know that I will miss you all when I’m gone. Well, some of you. The handful that were both funny and nice to me.

Also, this is the second straight week that the mailbag hasn’t posted until Friday. I promise that’s not a permanent change. Last week I was off to celebrate my birthday; this week I suffered from computer issues. We should be back to Thursday afternoon next week.

Okay, I think that settles the administrative issues. Let’s get to your problems.

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It’s a bit of an unusual mailbag today. I’m a little wiped out from insane manifestos and squirrel pictures, plus it’s been a busy week for me on the sex and fantasy football front. I did my first-ever live draft on Monday night for my 12-team money league — just because I write this column doesn’t mean I’m some kind of seasoned expert, you know. Here’s the lineup for Muffcunt Vaginapussy in 2010:

QB: Aaron Rodgers
WR: Miles Austin
WR: Steve Smith (baby-puncher)
WR: Malcolm Floyd
RB: Jamaal Charles
RB: LeSean McCoy
Flex (RB/WR/TE): C.J. Spiller
TE: Tony Gonzalez
D/ST: Saints
Bench: Matt Stafford, Owen Daniels, Austin Collie, LenDale White, Laurent Robinson, Devery Henderson.

I won’t lie: my nipples get hard when I look at those starters. The bench… ehhh, that bench is what happens when you’re six beers in.

As for sex, well, I had it. Like, twice. Wait, no: once. I think. Never mind. Let’s just get to the questions.

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Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. There’s a little bit of spice this week: HPV, smelly vaginas, more leagues with 6-point passing TDs, the merits of Lubbock (spoiler: there are none), Joe Flacco, dicknames, road tail, and much, much more. Read on.

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I’m beginning to understand why girlfriends don’t like men playing fantasy sports. In all my time writing the mailbag, I’ve never seen so many people write, “No sex question this week, just fantasy.”

Well, while we do occasionally make exceptions for people with only one kind of problem, this is the Internet’s first and — I think — only mailbag that offers both sex and fantasy football advice, so those people get priority. To everyone else with tunnel vision for their fantasy drafts: sorry. Go out there and get herpes, and then we’ll talk.

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