Oy, sorry for another late mailbag, folks. This bad boy is probably riddled with typos, but I’ll clean it up tonight after I’ve had a couple hours of NOT staring at a computer screen. Let’s get right to your questions.
A quick note about submissions: if you happen to write in to the mailbag, please sign off with a name or initials that you don’t mind being identified by. Half the time, people don’t leave a signature, and I’m uncomfortable with using names or even initials, because I don’t think it’s my right to give identifying clues as to who the writer may be. So I end up coming up with nicknames for people, and that’s time-consuming and not very fun. So help a brother out, okay?
Okay, on to the questions! I have to say, this is a really strong group of questions today. We’ve got cancer, cheating spouses, long-distance lameasses, horny bisexual women, AND MORE. Read on.
I know, I know: the mailbag is an hour or maybe 90 minutes later than usual. That’s like four weeks in Internet time! You totally had to go read a different blog for a little while instead of working!
I feel very bad about this, of course. As recompense, I offer you a picture of Christina Aguilera when she had her fastball:
Yay, it’s the mailbag! Many of today’s questions have some hand-wringing about a possible lockout, although that certainly seems less likely now that the NFL and the NFLPA have agreed to federal mediation. Fingers crossed, people.
Unfortunately, one reader can’t get federal mediators to counter his pregnant wife’s demands that he stop smoking pot while she’s with child. Other sexy topics today include: jealous gay boyfriend, hitting on women at the gym, not falling for your co-workers, and more. Read on.
Hi folks. Seeing as how it’s the playoffs, I’m going to redirect some energy towards making Photoshops and writing posts relevant to what’s going on in the march to the Super Bowl, so this will be the last mailbag until the season’s over. But keep sending your letters — if I get enough good ones, I’ll put together a mailbag during the off week before the Super Bowl. Because that week BLOWS.
Anyway, thanks to everyone who wrote in to the mailbag this fantasy season. It was lots of fun, and many of you forced me to think about tough subjects I would have rather avoided — and that goes for everything from marital infidelity to starting Matt Forte.
On to the letters:
The final week of the regular season is upon us, which means that for most of us, the fantasy football season is over. God, that’s so depressing. I may drop some money in FanDuel just to get that fantasy rush of endorphins during Week 17.
Anyway, in case you’re interested in my fantasy credentials, both of my teams finished 8-5 this season, good for a 3-seed and a 4-seed. Then Aaron Rodgers got a concussion in Week 14, and I felt the unique pain of having the same player anchor both of your fantasy teams. Now, after three years of playing fantasy football in multiple leagues, I’ve never missed the playoffs — and I’ve never made the championship game. Which means that the advice you get here is guaranteed to be SLIGHTLY ABOVE AVERAGE. All for the low, low price of free. Nice!
But enough about me. Let’s get to the letters.
Bad week for the mailbag. Bad, bad week. I had Aaron Rodgers in both of my leagues, both of which were in the first round of the playoffs this past weekend. And honestly, I had this thing planned out for the introduction to the mailbag, where I was going to analyze the myriad ways in which I should have won both games — starting any other quarterback in the league, adjusting the score to see what I would have had if Greg Jennings hadn’t bobbled a perfectly thrown 60-yard touchdown pass that was instead intercepted… but no. I don’t even want to go to the Yahoo or NFL.com fantasy pages. The wounds are too fresh.
So let’s just get to your emails. Between the holidays and the fantasy playoffs, we received far too many emails to publish. I’d say sorry to those who didn’t make the cut, but I’m fresh out of sympathy this week. Expect half-hearted advice from me, because right now I just want everyone to just get an STD and go away.
Good news, everybody! This column is no longer written by an amateur fantasy football player. I am now a bona fide EXPERT, thanks to my victory in the FanDuel Fantasy Writers Contest. I had to beat out stiffs like Jimmy Traina and Will Leitch, then I had to survive a tie-breaker with Ben Ice from RotoExperts in order to win a free trip to Las Vegas. Me, the jackass who spends most of his fantasy column correcting grammar, actually upended people who are self-declared fantasy football experts. I drink your milkshake! I DRINK IT UP!
So, this weekend I’ll be in Vegas. And speaking as someone who doesn’t gamble on football online, Vegas during the NFL season is CLUTCH. Oh my God, if you thought fantasy football made even the dullest game interesting because your opponent started Tony Moeaki, just wait until you have $40 riding on the Bills to cover. It’s a miracle that Stevie Johnson wasn’t murdered this week by some sad sack who picked the Bills outright. God, I love gambling in Vegas.
Plus, you know, whores.
Let’s get to your questions.
That turkey earned its pardon the hard way
Before we get into this week’s mailbag, an apology: things here are a little rushed due to the holiday, so this is a shorter mailbag than usual. In order to make up for that, I’ve put in more pictures than usual. Hooray, pictures! So much better than reading.
Happy Thanksgiving from KSK. Enjoy the mailbag, set your fantasy lineup before the games tomorrow, and be sure to sample both white and dark meat before making a decision about which you like better.
That’s innuendo, son.
Lots of relationship stuff this week — not much in the way of the ol’ in-out in-out, I’m afraid. But before we get to that, I — like every other two-bit fantasy prognosticator on the Internet — would like to pause briefly and express wonder at the Monday Nightsplosion from Michael Vick.
Specifically, I wanted to take a look at what an all-Eagles fantasy lineup would have gotten you this week:
QB: Michael Vick. 333 yards passing, 4 TDs, 80 yards rushing, 2 TDs.
RB: LeSean McCoy. 43 yards rushing, 5 catches for 51 yards, 1 TD.
RB: Jerome Harrison. 109 yards rushing, 1 TD, 1 catch for 15 yards.
WR: DeSean Jackson. 2 catches, 98 yards, 1 TD.
WR Jeremy Maclin. 4 catches, 79 yards, 1 TD.
TE: Brent Celek. 2 catches, 8 yards.
W/R: Jason Avant: 5 catches, 76 yards, 1 TD.
K: David Akers. 8 XPs, 1 FG (48 yards).
D: EAGLES. 2 sacks, 3 INTs, 1 TD.
With the exception of Celek, that’s terrific output from every position. I’d crap my pants if my fantasy team gave me a touchdown from every position except tight end.
Anyway, enough of that. Let’s talk about sex, baby.
Partnered With
![[avatar]](http://p.uproxxcdn.com/global/images/default-avatar.jpg){kind=avatar}
Follow Us
ORDER DREW'S NEW BOOK
