I was thinking about the internet today, you guys.

What an amazing collection of knowledge we have in front of us. Volumes and volumes of anything any person would ever want to learn in his or her lifetime. And what do we do? We search for our own names in search engines. We find our own locations on those GPS machines. And we stalk our friends on Facebook, especially the hot sexy people that are friends with our wives. Don’t act like you don’t do that either. The Great Masturbator In The Sky will know if you’re being truthful. Because he jacks it to your lies.

Anyway, let’s get to the mailbag. Caveman’s on vacation, which is kinda funny when you think about a caveman trying to get away from it all:

Good Sir Ufford,

Excuse me, but this is Footsteps Falco here. Please address me accordingly.

FF: First time playing, started a league. What would you consider a good draft order? I’m thinking:

And then I’m lost.

No sir. You were already lost when you were drafting a quarterback in the first round. Are you too good for a Jamaal Charles or a Ray Rice? A LeSean McCoy even? Are you too good to refer to these gentlemen with indefinite articles despite their being the only persons of their ilk? Your skills, good sir, would be better suited for the front office of the Miami Dolphins, who can’t ever seem to acquire a quarterback worth his salt. Feel free to inform them of your availability, and also feel free to list Gerald Dean “Footsteps” Falco as a reference on your resumé.

Sex: I’m college bound, my girlfriend is a junior in high school.

Is she 18? Better question: Would a judge believe me if I said she looked 18?

My college isn’t too terribly far, about a 2 hour drive, but I didn’t plan on a lot of trips home. While I’d love to get the full college experience of a different co-ed every night,

Ho ho! You and every other red-blooded male, my friend! Please…continue.

I’ve always been more of a girlfriend guy than one to hit it and quit it. She’s easily one of the coolest girls I’ve known, and she’d most likely be going to a nearby college in 2 years. What say you: keep the Middling Distance Relationship or start over new?
-MDR

I am reminded of the old Chinese proverb: He who drives for pussy wastes at least 3 of his nine lives. I think I read that in a fortune cookie someplace. Hey, have you ever noticed that some of the “fortunes” in those fortune cookies aren’t actual fortunes? Like if I crack open one of those suckers and it says “You are a wise and gentile soul” or some shit? That’s not a prognostication! That’s downright brown-nosing! What’s the dealio with that?

**********

Dear Caveman,

Dearest Falco, you mean.

Sex: I know you like brevity, so I’ll break it down quickly: I think this girl is spectacular.

Stick with her.

Glad we could help. Next!

I could go on, but it would end up resembling Louie’s confession to Pamela too much.

Oh, when you said “I could go on,” I didn’t realize that you were actually going to…uh…go on. And I don’t watch that Louie show. My wife finagled the parental controls for FX and she won’t give me the PIN for it. Damn V-Chips.

Naturally, she’s also in a secure, long-term relationship with a British dude who I have come to hate without meeting him.

Hey, I’m with you, buddy! Nobody hates the Brits more than I do! Except for maybe Paul Revere. I heard he once sodomized a gal from Sussex in 1781. I believe the battle cry was “One if by ass, two if by cooter.”

She’s a friend-of-a-friend, we hung out pretty frequently last summer and by the end confessed mutual interest, but nothing happened, she was only in town for a few months, and I haven’t seen her since. This fall, she’ll be moving back to my city, without the boyfriend.

/lights first lantern

I’ll completely understand if you want to take the moral fifth on this, and tell me to stop being an asshole or stop deluding myself.

Stop being an asshole! Stop…wait, what was the rest?

No question, that is the sensible answer that you ought to give and I am realistic about the likely results here. But I think at least the kommentariat will have enough evil bastards to produce a couple dastardly schemes to break up this relationship. Honestly it’s almost like a Kommenter Draft: “ways to wreck a home.” I’ll take anything from “go dancing and grind her” to “have the boyfriend killed.” Actually, let me revise: THE SKY IS THE LIMIT, SO LONG AS THAT LIMIT DOES NOT CARRY FELONY CHARGES.

You’ve obviously never raped a 14-year-old girl in a hot air balloon before.

Look here, friendo. If you think you stand a chance at being the Transcontinental Lolita, you have to take a few things into account. One: homewrecking is not enumerated in the Geneva Convention. And if I read your email correctly, these two aren’t even married! That’s gives Captain Peepee free reign in my book! And Two, if you can demonstrate more value to her in person than Nigel can via Skype, then you should give her a declaration of independence with your (John Han)cock.

America!

Football: My league has an auction draft.

America again!

I know this is a niche (though hopefully a growing one), I was wondering what your thoughts were about nominating players for auction. One school of thought is to put up players you want, so you can find out quickly what you’re going to have on your team (and snag favorites) and thus maximize flexibility as the auction wears on. Another is to nominate players you DON’T want, so that everyone else wastes their money on them and you (hopefully) reap the rewards. Do you have any thoughts on that particular piece of strategy?
-PB

I have some thoughts on this! Remember when you went to the homecoming dance in high school? Now think of yourself as a Taiwanese crime lord and auctioning off those women to be shipped out as sex slaves across the globe. Hey, it could happen! But would you want the best girls from your dance to get stuck in the back of that 45-foot shipping container, subject to starvation or potentially being crushed? Golly, no! You’d save the prettiest gals of the gala for the very end, and that’s a great rule of thumb for fantasy football too. Wait for everyone else to spend their money, be they fellow owners or the captains of the Yakuza.

Bon chance, buddy!

***********

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: Everyone should buy their FFL commissioner a beer for taking the time to make the league work. Specifically organizing everyone the draft/auction. I get exhausted just answering yes/no to predetermined auction dates. Organizing a fantasy football draft is probably way harder than any task I’ve ever done at my job.

You should be grateful for even having a job right now. Ah, I’m just pulling your leg! Jobs suck!

Sex: I live in an old area where the buildings are all as big as the lots, this puts my windows close to my neighbors. My girlfriend happens to be friends with the girl that lives next door to me and apparently she can hear her while we’re going at it (regardless of the window being open or closed).

Kinky!

Last week she sent a text to my GF saying please keep it down, I’m tired of hearing your shrill moans. This really pissed her off and they traded a few text messages. It ended with her saying stop being such a bitch and we moved on.

Maybe she meant “Stop being such a banshee!” Damn autocorrect!

Last night and we turned on the TV loud like we normally do (I’ve got roommates — they’ve never said anything to me about her) and she mentioned she was going to work on being a little less loud (I like it and do not care what this neighbor thinks). We’re going at it, she starts singing a little and her phone rings twice and then gets a text notification (I notice it during sex, she doesn’t). About an hour later she checks her phone and sees this text message saying ‘SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH’ and pretty much immediately starts crying.

Hold the phone there, bub. Pun intended!

So instead of getting your ladygal to hush up, you turn up your television? And your roommates obviously aren’t going to admit to listening to you bumping uglies…at least I never did to my roommates! But enough about my parents. But why is your neighbor getting a free show? This sounds like a lawsuit for voyeurism to me, friendo!

It wasn’t a problem before, we both just laughed it off. Now it is. I have her crying in my arms after sex and she’s going to be self conscious to the point of probably not wanting to have sex at my place for at least a week. I’m pissed. What’s my play here?
-Anon

Most women cry in my bed after sex. Don’t worry. When you call her in three days, she’ll just tell you that she’s really busy with a lot of things and will get back to you when she can. Problem solved!

But really, no sex for a week? My heart bleeds for ya, Jack.

**********

Dear Sages of snatch,

Not a whole lot of fantasy advice needed, I’m the GM of a 12 team league with owners of varying levels of experience. Any suggestions on how to improve the quality of a draft party? I’m having a cookout at the house with plenty of booze and food, a few little gimmicks to determine draft order and other fun things, but I figure you’ve done this enough times to have a good idea or two.

The best and worst thing about draft parties is giving the other owners things to preoccupy themselves between picks, whether it’s a game of bocce out in the yard or torturing your homecoming dance slave in your basement.

The issue is that most of us gents can’t pay attention to anything for more than two hours, especially under the influence of alcohol. Give the fellas some opportunities to horse around between picks, but make sure they know when they’re on deck to get their selections in.

Sex, or rather relationships, or rather being a shallow bastard in the midst of a pretty good relationship. I’ve been dating a girl for roughly 5 months now (We’re both in our mid-20’s), after spending the last 5-6 years in various casual non-monogamous relationships. The girl I’m dating now is funny, intelligent, has an interesting career and hobbies, seems to be head over heels for me for some reason, and is generally fantastic to be around. This is the part where you likely type “but…”

Fuck you. Ha! Really changed it up there, didn’t I, friendo?

She is cute, but she is unhealthily overweight (20-30 pounds by BMI standards)

Whoa whoa whoa. BMI is a joke. An absolute joke. You know who else is obese by BMI standards? Michael Jordan and pretty much every other professional athlete that ever cashed a check since 1990. Fuck BMI. Fuck it in its poorly-groomed asshole.

and far less sexually experienced than I am (by a factor of more than 10:1).

So she hasn’t fuck halfed of Wichita like you have. I can see why this is such a bad thing for you.

The latter isn’t a huge deal, though it makes her somewhat hesitant to try new things.

“Baby, when I get really excited, I want you to stick a finger in my poorly-groomed asshole.”

The former is an issue though because I really want to see her as having serious long term potential. As someone who was in the same position growing up I’m sympathetic to how difficult it is to lose weight and because I care for her so much I don’t want to hurt her feelings.

“Fat bitch, look at my life. I’m a lot like you wereeeeeeeeee….”

She’s trying on her own to get in shape, and I’ve done my best to support her, going on a small diet myself and trying to get her to exercise with me, but she’s less and less committed to it every day. She’s not dumb, so she knows that my attempts to help aren’t entirely health related, but I don’t know how not to come off like a jerk. I’m just finding myself less attracted as time passes and I don’t know when it’s time to give up on a fantastic girl. I feel like a frank talk would only be really hurtful to her while accomplishing next to nothing, and I’m sure if I push it more outwardly she’s going to be rightfully resentful. So what to do? At what point is trying to change someone who loves you harder on them than just breaking it off?
-Shallow Hal

Wait, I just realized that lyric should have been “I was a lot like you are now.” Golly, I really screwed that up guys. My bad.

**********

Oh Captain, My Captain,

Oh Falco, Your Falco.

Football first. I have participated in the same league for the last couple of years.

So? You want a medal or something? This isn’t the Special Olympics, you know (by the way, if you actually are retarded or something, I apologize).

Good group of guys, $100 buy in, and pretty typical rules. But in the middle of last season, I got a job in the mountains (all the guys live in Denver), about 3 hours away. They’re doing a live draft on a Wednesday and are giving me a ton of shit for wanting to skype or call in for the draft, but of course, leaving work early on Wednesday to get to Denver for a fucking fantasy draft seems patently absurd to me.

I’m flying 1200 miles, round-trip, for a fantasy draft in 2 weeks. Sounds like you could use a 20-ounce bottle of man the fuck up. Buy some at your local gas station on your way to Denver.

Now, let’s make with the love. I had a very tumultuous, sometimes great sometimes awful relationship with a woman in Denver for a good long time.

“And then she wanted me to come into town to do stuff and I was all fuck that, bitch!”

That’s over now, her wandering eye and my moving being a bad combination that couldn’t be overcome. But we were together for a solid four years, and during that time we really did share everything: an apartment, dog, record collection, and a really great friendship. It’s been difficult, sometimes with her wanting back in, sometimes me, but never at the same time.

If El Capitan were here now, he’d probably remind you that most people only remember the good things from their relationships, that we tend to gloss over or block out the bad, and that we’re often gravitating toward other people if only for the sake of acquiring stank on our planks.

Anyway, now I’m moved and starting over and have begun seeing a woman with whom I really connect.

“Planks” means “penises,” by the way.

The dates are awesome, we have great conversations, completely “get” one another. And the intimate times? Outta sight, my man!

Dad?

Problem is, I’m still hearing from the ex, and every time I do, the hurt feelings and memories come rushing back, causing me great consternation.

Eat lots of grapes. Those always get me back on track.

I still want to be friends with this woman, but if I heard she was seeing someone else, I’d be hurt, as I know she would be about me and this new woman. I have no interest in hurting her.

Thank you sir.
Jeff Georgeous

Golly, Jeff! It sounds like your old ladymate hasn’t quite had the chance to move on! It’s probably best to keep her nose out of your business, unless of course she lives right next door to your current girlfriend and sends over cock-blocking text messages in the midst of coitus. But really, if she’s upset with you and your new girl, she’s entitled to that, and you can’t plan around that.

You’ll just have to be extra-careful if you want to keep your new relationship in hiding, but the best approach might be to acknowledge that this is out of your control: you can’t control whether you’ll run into her, and you can’t control how she’ll feel when she sees you with your new girl. And goodness gracious, that just might be what she needs to see in order to move on.
**********

Dear Corporal Creeper,
Fantasy: I am in an auction keeper league with a $200 budget where your keepers cost last years draft price plus $10. I am keeping Freeman and Hillis for a total of $20, which leaves me with a starting QB with upside potential, a #2rb (at least), and $180 to spend on the rest of my team.

B) Go after a top RB and two top receivers and have somewhere around $30 to fill 10 more spots.

Always always always wait for the end of auction drafts. The bargains are at the end of the draft, where other owners have expended their funds and their patience entirely too early. Option A is your better bet here, sir.

Sex (I think): I have not blacked out since college, which I have been removed from for 3yrs. That was until last weekend. I remember being with my buddy, meeting up with his girlfriend and her friends, and talking, with no interest, to one of his girlfriend’s friends. From that point until 6:30 am when I had a friend pick me and aforementioned girl up on a dt street corner in the pouring rain, I remember nothing.

Sincerely,
I forget

Tell her you lost your hat. She’ll understand.

People! It’s August! Holy crap, the NFL season starts 35 days! This is the time of the year when the mailbag gets filled up with people asking ACTUAL FANTASY FOOTBALL QUESTIONS. So I want to say thanks to everyone who wrote in — especially all the people who sent in sexy pictures — and apologize to everyone who wasn’t included in this week’s edition. This is the boom season, and there’s just no feasible way I can get everyone’s letters in. There’s also no way I’m going to give this a thorough proofreading, so please excuse any typos. I’m just going to have to hope that there are no shaving seizures below.

Let’s do this.

Dear Snarky Football God,

Fantasy: I’m participating in a fantasy football league for the first time this year. I’ll be the only female in the league, and most of them refuse to believe I know anything about football. While I am an avid football fan, I just can’t quite wrap my head around the logistics of fantasy football. Can you give me some simple, “big picture” pointers on how to not suck in my first year? If it matters, the guy in charge is doing it via NFL.com.

You can break down fantasy football strategy into two categories: your fantasy draft, and the rest of the season. Here are a couple general pointers on each.

Draft: Have a list of players you think are most valuable, ordered from 1 to at least 100 (you can arrange a more draft-appropriate number of 180 if you want to be thorough, but in my experience most people are shooting from the hip by about the 9th round). NFL.com can get you started with this list, but you should bump down the guys you think are overrated and bump (slightly) up the guys you really want. If you want a little extra edge, pay attention to training camp reports: fantasy managers who kept their ears to the ground knew that Arian Foster had a great camp and was going to get a lot of carries in 2010. When your fantasy draft finally arrives, try to find a balance between taking the best player available and the needs of your team. Which is to say: don’t be locked into the notion of drafting RB-QB-WR in the first round if you get the tenth overall pick and your choice is Aaron Rodgers or Frank Gore. (I’m hoping you know that Rodgers is the obvious pick there.)

As for in-season management, it really comes down to how much time you want to invest. You can obsess over injury reports and scour the waiver wire and propose trades and constantly tinker with your lineup — that’s what addicts like me do. Or you can just set your lineup every Sunday morning, and it probably won’t make a huge difference in how your season turns out. But definitely SET YOUR LINEUP. I always like to set a tentative lineup on Thursday morning — it’s a good habit to get into with the increasing number of Thursday night games. That way, I’m covered in case there’s some unforeseen obstacle on Sunday morning, be it crushing hangover, unexpected fuckfest, or general dumbassery.

Sex/Relationship: I’ve been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years. About 9 months ago, I started to realize that perhaps this wasn’t the relationship I wanted for myself. Here are the main points.

• We work on a non-profit arts organization together. He’s actually in charge of it, and I’m basically second-in-command. Many of our mutual friends are also involved with the organization. (It’s a volunteer-only organization.)
• I lost my job, and have been living with him since my lease expired. I’m currently looking for a job, but I don’t know where else I could stay until I’m on my feet.
• He seems to have no idea that I feel the way I do. He’s oblivious to any relationship problems I’ve brought up over the years, and lives in some weird happyshinysuperawesomefuntime bubble that I have a hard time popping with “real life” problems.
• I’m almost 7 years older than him, and our life goals are (obviously) very different. I’m late 20s, he’s early 20s, so they won’t be on the same page for a long time, if ever.
• I plan to move about 1000 miles away in about a year, which would effectively end the relationship anyway (and I’ve told him as much), but I know it’s awful to stay with someone for another year just because it’s easier.
• Sex-related: We rarely, if ever, have sex. Recently, it’s me pulling away, but he’s been like a Mormon about it since the beginning. It doesn’t help that he’s had sex with 2 other women (and 3 times total – we’re dealing with a fairly incestuous friend circle, so we all know things like that) besides me, so he’s always been timid. Basically, we only have sex if we’re both drunk. HEALTHY.

I realize that I’m a terrible person for staying with him for this long, rather than ending it earlier, but at first I thought it was just an irrational feeling born out of an argument. However, it’s become more and more clear that it’s not going to work out… I’m just having the hardest time ending it. Partially because of the reasons listed above, and partially because he’s a decent guy. I get it, if I cared about his feelings, I should have ended it long ago. But I didn’t, and now I’m in deeper than before. So really, what I’m asking you is advice on how to end this as civilly as possible. I’m aware that I will probably not be able to be friends with him after; I just want to continue with this organization for the next year, and not have to lose any of our mutual friends in the process.

Thanks, Kunty McKunterson

Ahhhh, to be young and supporting your older unemployed girlfriend with whom you have no sex and is no longer interested in you. What a joy that must be.

I kid, I kid. You seem nicely self-aware, Kunty, and I’m not trying to punish that. If you don’t mind (or even if you do), I’m going to leap to some conclusions about your boyfriend. Let’s see… he’s running an an arts non-profit… impossibly optimistic, yet no clear life plans… inexperienced at and passive about getting sex.

*feeds data into NASA supercomputer*

Weird, this readout is saying that your boyfriend is NOT an alpha male who has a gun rack on his truck. Also, this calculation is giving me odds on “weak father figure” (even) and “closeted homosexual” (3-to-1). But this isn’t Vegas and I’m not trying to win a contest, so let’s just stick with “liberal pushover.”

And I don’t mean that as some kinda of partisan slur. For you, the fact that he’s a liberal pushover may just save your ass in this situation. Because he’s all gentle and accommodating, I’d guess that you could probably break up with him and still enjoy his benevolence. Maybe this could be the beginning of your speech:

Listen, Carter [or whatever his name is -- Carter was just the first pussy name that came to mind], you’re a wonderful and kind and smart person, and I love the friends we share and the work we do together, but my heart just isn’t in this relationship any more. We want different things and our lives are going different ways and we never have sex. But I’m in a tough position, because I need you. I don’t have a job and you took me in and I can’t just walk out of your life without severely fucking up mine.

From there, I feel like you could transition from girlfriend to platonic roommate by saying things like “we’re better as friends anyway,” “this is what’s best for the organization,” and “I’ve always wanted a gay roommate!” Well, maybe not that last one. At the very least, he’ll give you two months to find somewhere else to live. He’s too nice not to.

**********

Dear Abby, Fantasy Football: Me and some friends

“Some friends and I” — I learned that in grade school. You should have, too.

have a pretty strong 12-team fantasy league running on ~10 years now, most of the people stay year-to-year and there’s a good amount of smack talk and nobody ever takes it too seriously. In the past it has been fairly typical rules, non-keeper, and most of the scoring is typical fare (except points for a passing TD, which I always waffle on. 4 seems too low, 6 seems too high, nobody seems to use 5…)

Four is fine. But I can see five having a certain appeal.

This year we’re going to change it to a keeper league. We were thinking of starting with 2 keepers. Any advice? How big should total roster be? Any “pitfalls” new keeper leagues routinely fall into that are easily avoidable?

I actually had a fantasy league transition from non-keeper to keeper just last year. Two is a nice number to start with. In my league, the stipulation was that you could keep one guy selected between rounds 2 through 8 and one guy picked between 9 and 15 — I liked it because it kept the first round exciting and gave some increased value to foresight in the later rounds (although it did favor those who picked early in round 2).

As for roster size, I like 15 spots for a 12-team league. One more and there’s nothing but tumbleweeds on the waiver wire; any less and it feels like you don’t have a bench.

Sex: I am mid-30′s and recently divorced (no kids.) I waited a long time to get married because I wasn’t sure it was what I wanted to do and if I could keep the commitment. When I got closer to 30 I was really sure I could, and I did. Unfortunately the other half of the equation didn’t think things through quite as thoroughly. After her money-spending binge and newly acquired substance abuse habit.. we were well on our way to divorce.

To say the divorce was acrimonious is an understatement of epic proportions. It dragged out through the legal system for over a year while I attempted to defend myself against her power play to clean my financial house. In the end my defense was successful and she had to write me a check for a small portion of what I lost monetarily (which, a woman writing a man a check during a divorce is almost unheard of in my conservative state, especially considering I make much more money than she does.) However, now that the papers are signed and official, I’m beginning to discover that I lost way more than just some time and money.

First two paragraphs summed up in six words: “I went through a bad divorce.” Got it.

I’ve always been self-confident, good self-esteem, relatively successful in the professional world, I have a house, a couple cars, no debt, a nest egg of money and no real financial worries (all self-earned, no one in my family has money.)

TOO. MANY. DETAILS.

What I’m struggling with now are essentially two things: 1) Desire to “date” 2) Trusting someone new. I never had an issue moving on if/when a relationship was over, but this time I find myself wanting some really basic things (like companionship, sex, etc) but even the mention or thought of committing myself to anything more than that just causes my brain to shut down. I have some FWBs and they have mentioned they wished it were more, but I just can’t do it. In fact, I can’t even conceive of the qualities a woman would have to possess to make me consider anything more than FWB currently. I’ve met and been introduced to some women over the past few months and thought: “I wouldn’t mind going on a date with her.” Then my brain starts to replay the nightmare of my recent past and as I mentioned above.. total mental shutdown.

I keep thinking time will heal these mental scars, but I’m not sure. Therapy really isn’t for me, I’ve attempted it on several occasions with an open mind and I always feel like I’d get more out of it by just talking to a friend. However, my friends have never really been through something quite like I just went through, so I think the only real advice is “you’ll get past it someday.”

“Ohhh, my pain is unique.” Listen to your friends. You’ll get past it someday.

Any thoughts or advice are appreciated. I really want to have a good companion and think I’d be a good partner if I could move past the mental hurdle of my divorce. I don’t want my ex-wife back or anything, but just the lingering pain and drawn out legal battle and lost money and time and trust are just too much to even feign interest in doing it all over again. I’ll leave you with a clip from Louis CK that pretty much sums up my current emotional state:

Love, Fecal-Stained Soul

Yeah yeah yeah. A woman fucked up your head. The line starts around the corner, pal.

I repeat: listen to your friends. It goes away with time. Until then, date casually and be upfront about how you can’t commit because the divorce fucked with your head. You’ll still get laid, and after enough time and non-intimate sex, you’ll find yourself wanting to spend more time with another woman. Then you’ll want to date her, then you’ll fall in love, etc. We’re humans. We’re programmed to get emotionally involved. You’ll be fine.

**********

Hey Captain,

Football: One of my leagues is populated entirely by people I was friends with in high school, which would be fine except we only have 7 and so we end up having to invite this one friend who doesn’t know shit about football every year to meet the league minimum. Him also being lazy, he always let’s Yahoo! draft his team, and never sets lineups (which almost has lead the to league dissolving twice because the commissioner is his best friend and will set it for him). All that is bad enough, but the one thing he DOES do is talk endless amounts of shit when his team wins games. He will seriously send text messages to people rubbing it in their faces, despite his picking the name being the only effort he has put in the last 4 years. My question is two-fold: A) Should I even continue to bother with this league, where this thing is allowed to happen AND they refuse to play for money? B) If I do continue to play, am I within my legal rights to kill him?

A. No. B. No.

Relationships: I’m a 26 year old who’s about to enter the US Army in a Combat Arms MOS, and was wondering what advice a veteran such as yourself could give in terms of advice about starting relationships. I know not to do the “get married before getting deployed” foolishness the kids do, but I also question how good an idea it is to pursue any kind of serious relationship when the next 5+ years are going to be so goddamn unstable. Any advice or guidance is appreciated man.

-Looking Forward to Jump School

Just keep your expectations low. Then lower them some more. Liiiiittle more. Keep lowering them. THERE. Are your expectations gone entirely? Yes? Then you’re in the right place.

On one hand, it’s pretty great to receive mail from a woman when you’re on a deployment in some shithole country. It’s old-school romanticism, and you end up doing lame schoolboy stuff like re-reading the letters and smelling them to try to get the essence of your girl (yes, email and Skype are more common during deployments, but in some situations it’s still old-fashioned letters that travel around the world to get to you). On the other hand, it sucks for the woman, wandering around in polite society, getting hit on by other men and worrying about your safety in combat and just generally not getting to enjoy life to the fullest. Also, on the off chance you get to visit Australia, you should absolutely under no circumstances be in a relationship.

None of this is not to say you shouldn’t be dating or trying to find love. I, for one, am not totally fucked in the head from combat thanks to the woman I dated in 2003. It was a California-New York long-distance relationship that got a lot longer when I got sent to Kuwait and then Iraq, but she was a skillful and passionate letter-writer, and her words connected me to humanity and a peaceful future and my home country when the smell of death was all around me. Unfortunately (at the time), the emotional burden was too great for her, and we broke up not long after I returned home.

The lesson? Just know that it’s much more difficult to date when you serve. Like, MAGNITUDES more difficult. Expect nothing, appreciate everything.

P.S. Jump School is a joke.

**********

Dear Sirs,

Football First: League I’m in is pretty awesome, been going strong for 4 years now, very competitive and a ton of trash talking. It’s a keeper league, you can keep three, but you cannot hold onto the same person for more than two seasons. You lose whatever pick your keeper was chosen from and if he was a free agent, well you’re a lucky son of a bitch. I’m a lucky son of a bitch. I’m thinking of keeping Vick (FA) and Arian Foster (FA) and I can choose one more. I have at my disposal Chris Johnson (1st), Megatron (2nd) Jamaal Charles (5th), or Mike Williams (8th). Thinking about Johnson but would love some advice.

Chris Johnson’s awesome, but he isn’t anywhere close to the best value on your team. You’d lose your first-round pick when you have essentially the exact same player available for a fifth-rounder. Think about it: the difference between Chris Johnson and Jamaal Charles is pretty small; the difference between a first-round and a fifth-round pick — especially in a keeper league — is enormous. Hell, depending on where you pick in the first round, you might be able to DRAFT JOHNSON AGAIN. Jamaal Charles won’t be there in the fifth round for you. He might not be there by the fifth pick.

Sex: Not really a sex question, I’m doing pretty well in that department. I wrote in last year, I signed the question as Short Stack.

I remember. You also followed up a couple months later after you selected three tight ends in your fantasy draft. What the fuck were you thinking?

The question was about me dating a taller girl, suffice to say it didn’t work out, mainly because she turned out to be fucking crazy. I would never hit a woman but after you punch me straight in the nuts after hitting me in the back with a baseball bat, it’s something I thought of doing at that moment, but didn’t!

Ummm… yay?

So fuck that bitch with a rusty pipe, I’m back with my girlfriend of 5 years. We broke up last year, something we both needed since we have dated from our senior year of high school until pretty much the end of college. She had her fun and I definitely had my fun, we got back together January of this year and things are going great. August 15th we’ll be moving into our first apartment together so basically I was just looking for some advice. Things I should look forward to and things I should look out for. I’m excited to move in with her and also nervous because I’ve heard that you truly see who this person is after living with them, or something like that.

Thanks in advance,

Movin’ On Up

It’s not that you “truly see the real person” when you move in with a significant other. You’ve dated her for five years — you already know her as well as (perhaps better than) anyone on the planet. What living together does is magnify every aspect of the relationship. The good is better and the bad is worse. Even if you’ve already been spending five or six nights a week together, you will suddenly find that she is ALL UP IN YOUR SHIT. Your brain’s gonna be all, “Whoa, hey, she is here ALL THE TIME.”

And a lot of her being there all the time is GREAT. You can fuck anywhere — on the couch, on the floor, in the bedroom with the door open — as loudly as you want because you don’t have to worry about other roommates coming home. You can go grocery shopping together and make meals together (fun!). She’ll insist on having things like curtains and nice furniture that you’ve never really cared about but find it pleasant to have. You’ll come home to her — or she to you — and you’ll realize that you’ve missed her even though you’ve only been apart for a workday.

But you’ll quickly discover that it’s not all rose petals and rimjobs. You will now have chores. The garbage or the dishes — things that a bachelor can allow to marinate for a few days — can no longer wait. You will be responsible for hanging those curtains. She’s probably going to want to paint. You will be asked your opinion on which color you like best, and your choices will be five swatches of the same color. At some point, you will have to go to IKEA, which is Swedish for “argument generator.” Your finances are now intertwined, a fact that is unsexy in the best-case scenario and stressful in the worst (say, when someone loses a job in this shit economy). You may love her, but she WILL stress you out in ways you can’t foresee when you’re not living together.

The key to keeping the relationship healthy and happy through all this is the same as ever: communication and compromise. If you’re tired or stressed out, just let her know. If you want to hang out with your friends, let her know. But when you ask for something from her — whether it’s a little space or a night out without her — offer something in return. “Hey honey, work was brutal today, and I’m exhausted. If you can make dinner tonight, I’ll do the dishes.” As long as both people care equally about each other’s comfort and happiness, you’ll be fine.

Oh, PS: I don’t know who this girl is, but I find her very attractive. Also, boobs.

Ah, she reminds me of a young Jennifer Love Hewitt. You young folks may not believe this, but Jennifer Love was once one of the most desirable actresses in Hollywood. Unfortunately, some women peak at 18. So sad.

**********

Dear Licensed Sex/Relationship Advice Giver,

Sex question: my best friend from high school has always been a hound. Despite being fairly unattractive and overweight, he has no trouble at all picking up more beautiful women in a year than I have my entire lifetime, mostly because he hangs out only with gay men and preys on community theater girls with emotional issues.

My God, that’s brilliant. HE should be the one writing this column.

He lost his virginity at 13 in an alley behind a Starbucks, and it’s been downhill since then for him – his new girlfriend, though, goes beyond “funny story” and into “creepy and possibly illegal” territory. First of all, she’s apparently contemplating a sex change operation, or was before she met him, because she apparently thinks she’s a man trapped in a woman’s body, or something (yeah I wasn’t a gender studies major in college). He told her he would break up with her if she starts taking hormones and gets a dick (going out on a limb on that one, I know). I guess the gender bending thing is part of the fucked up thrill for him, I don’t know, but the bigger issue for me (and the purposes of this mailbag) is that she’s 17. Still in high school. He is 24 and about to graduate from his masters program.

That’s where you and I are different. There are some sexy-ass 17-year-olds out there that I could admit to be attracted to. Pre-op transsexuals? Less so.

My question is – what do I say to him? The age of consent here is actually 16, so I guess it’s not technically illegal,

I’m not a lawyer, but even I can tell you that “not technically illegal” = “not illegal.” Period.

but clearly morally questionable, and I’m definitely not ok with hanging out with a 17 year old whenever I’m home to visit.

Fair enough. The “half your age plus seven” edict rules that your 24-year-old friend shouldn’t be going any younger than 19.

Usually I just make fun of his fucked up exploits, but am I out of line to act like a righteous asshole and tell him I think his relationship is totally fucked up and not ok? Or should I just mind my own business?

I tend to think that part of being a friend is accepting someone for their faults; when you start judging their actions is when you stop being a good friend. (Obviously, there are exceptions that merit intervention: drug abuse, criminal activity, and so on.) But whether or not you have a problem with what your friend is doing, acting like a righteous asshole just makes you a shitty friend. If you have something to say, say it calmly and evenly, and recognize that you may be ending the friendship when you say it.

As a side note, if you date a chick who thinks she wants a penis, does that make you gay? My girlfriend already thinks he’s gay; I’m on the fence.

Who wouldn’t want a penis? Penises are awesome. The only body part that even comes close are tits. Why else would “chicks with dicks” be a thing?

I would think that if you’re dating a woman, and that woman wants to be a man, and you say that you wouldn’t date her if she were a man, that means you aren’t gay. I’m no transgender expert, but if this girl feels like she’s a man but is still dating men, I would guess that means she feels like a gay man inside a woman’s body. Following that line of reasoning, your friend is having a fair amount of anal sex with a 17-year-old girl. Creepy? Absolutely. But gay? Not my first inclination.

Football: In my PPR keeper league last year I traded Randy Moss, Joseph Addai, and Dallas Clark the week before he got hurt for MJD, Jamaal Charles, and Vernon Davis. That wasn’t important to the question, I just wanted to brag.

I appreciate your honesty.

My question is, with MJD, Jamaal Charles, and Vick as my keepers and the 2nd overall pick in the draft (which is the equivalent of the 4th round of a normal draft), would you recommend 1. taking the best overall player, even if its another running back (someone like Jonathan Stewart or Ryan Mathews will probably be available) or quarterback (top tier qbs are always available in the draft in this league because everyone protects WRs like gold), or 2. taking a flier on a rookie receiver (AJ Green or Julius Jones, I guess, even though I hate them both) or a mid-level receiver since I’ll have a glaring need?

Thanks in advance, Roman Polanski’s Best Man

I’d go with best available, with a predisposition towards a (non-rookie) WR. You’re more or less set at RB and QB, but MJD’s been holding up that Jacksonville offense for a couple years now, and I feel that he and Vick are likely candidates for injuries. Still, I think you should use your highest pick to fill your most pressing need. But if you’re dead set on that rookie wideout, make sure you draft Julio Jones, not Julius. That would be bad.

**********

Most venerable crusher of cooch, I beseech thee, answer me these questions three (that number may be entirely inaccurate),

Fantasy Football: I had my first taste of fantasy football last season and it was a revelatory experience. As a foreigner, I’m still learning the intricacies of your wonderful sport but I savor the opportunity to obsess over statistics. All that’s missing is the sweet thrill of gambling. Due to my location, I don’t know a single real life person who knows anything, let alone cares, about the NFL. My free online league experiment while enjoyable, was ultimately unfulfilling. I dream of a league where something is at stake, where everyone updates there line ups, where I am mocked mercilessly for my stupid decisions. It’s the only way I’ll learn. So I find myself reaching out to this glorious collection of football lovers and dick joke aficionados. Are there not amongst you people like me? Any foreigners wanting to be a part of the greatest international fantasy football league the world has ever known, please express your interest in the comments. (US residents with no friends also welcome).

Yeah, I think there are some other commenters with crappy, douchy friends who are looking to start a fantasy league with funnier and cooler Internet strangers. But I’d prefer you not threadjack the sex comments with a back-and-forth about organizing a new league. Tell you what: hold off on the discussion for a couple hours, and tonight I’ll put up a thread solely dedicated to commenters who want to create their own league (or leagues). Thanks.

Sex: I’ve been seeing a girl on and off for almost a year. She is incredibly intelligent, beautiful, funny, adventurous and about every other positive adjective I can conjure. The instant I met her I knew that she was different from all the other girls I’d been with. I was genuinely attentive to what she had to say, rather than being willing to feign interest to maintain my access to wet holes. We have so many common interests, a similar outlook on life and what we want from it. All that good stuff. She is literally the girl of my dreams in almost every way (*foreshadowing*).

I’m not going to give a detailed breakdown of our relationship because I’m not self obsessed enough to think anyone cares but a brief summary is necessary for understanding. When I met her she was involved in a weird, polyamorous entanglement and from the beginning she made it clear she wasn’t really interested in a traditional relationship. I’ve had bad experiences with conformity and monogamy so I saw no reason to object. Also, I can’t say I’m opposed to the idea of being able to play with other girls if the mood strikes me and she has given her blessing.

As things progressed, we stopped seeing other people and settled into the pattern of a relationship, albeit with some kinks, without really acknowledging the fact. A little more background; this girl is into some seriously depraved shit sexually. I thought I was a freak when prudish girls weren’t willing to experiment. Hardcore BDSM, subjugation, degradation, rape play, incest play. The more depraved, the more into it she seemingly is.

Sounds like the relationship has a LOT of kinks.

All this is fine with me. I despise boring sex and she has introduced me to some very interesting experiences. I don’t want to play psychoanalyst here but nothing exists in a vacuum and she obviously has some underlying issues, a theory backed by her mental health record. In the past she has been extremely mentally unstable to the point of hospitalization for extended periods. She has cut herself, attempted suicide and been subjected to some horrible things in between.

What? A mentally unstable woman into freaky sex? Well I never!

All this occurred before we met though. Since I have known her she has been conscientious, caring, self aware and much more sane than the majority of females I’ve been involved with. She is in regular therapy now and I support her every step of the way. Besides, I’m not exactly a poster boy for mental health myself.

Here is where it gets complicated. There are some aspects of her sexual desires that I can’t really satisfy, not because of any physical shortcoming, but due to the intimate nature of our emotional connection. Part of the appeal for her is being used and degraded. It can get messy emotionally. I had no problem with her meeting others in a safe way to fulfill these needs. There was no expectation of sexual monogamy, but I was under the impression that honesty and openness were requisites. To cut a painfully long story short,

*looks ahead*

*sees two more paragraphs in bold*

Right.

I discovered that she had been dishonest to me about a lot of things. From very important things that were fundamental to our relationship, to tiny things of little consequence. The more lies I uncovered, the more became apparent. When I confronted her with this information she was defensive and denied it right up to the point when I described exactly how I knew for sure she was lying. After apologizing profusely and offering all sorts of excuses, she went back to the same behavior, only taking more care to cover it up. She has since admitted she has a problem with lying reflexively as a defense mechanism (understandable given her childhood experiences) and is seeking specific therapy for it. I’ve been researching personality disorders and pathological lying extensively and realized that berating her for her actions as I have done is not a helpful approach. It’s an ingrained pattern like an addiction and she will have to work hard to unlearn that behavior.

Everyone has their issues and I am completely willing to support her while she works on herself. The real problem is the doubt it casts over everything we have and everything she has ever said. Especially given she has seemingly lied without even being conscious of doing so. I feel like a character in some dystopian sci-fi in that I don’t know what is real anymore and what is just a figment of a fevered imagination. Basically my question is; do you think trust is something that can be repaired or is this relationship irrevocably broken? I love her immeasurably and I can’t imagine life without her, but I’m not entirely irrational. I want to believe the doctors when they say it is a disorder that can be treated, I just find it very difficult to imagine a time when I could ever really trust this girl.

-Crazy in Love

I hate to keep hitting the same notes I’ve played in previous mailbags, but it warrants repeating: just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean that they’re the right person for you. Speaking from experience, dating someone with a personality disorder is a stressful and grueling experience. Perhaps you enjoy some freaky sex along the way, but at the end of the day, the crazy person pulls the sane person down more than the sane person lifts the crazy one up.

In your case, your girlfriend lied to you and cheated on you — even though you had established a pretty open and forgiving set of freaky European parameters. She lied and cheated, and then she did it again. That’s wrong, plain and simple. Don’t buy into any bullshit about “Oh but she has disorder, it’s not her fault.” It’s sure as hell closer to her fault than it is yours.

If she wants to go get therapy and work on her problems, awesome. She should absolutely do that. But you shouldn’t have to stand by her and deal with her shit until it’s fixed (note: it’s not gonna get fixed). Cut her loose. Don’t lose valuable months and years of your life hoping that a mentally ill person will get better. It’s only going to fuck up YOUR head more and make it harder for you to date sane people in the future.

[banner image via nevver]

Okay, I’m writing this mailbag in the wee hours of the night, having yet to pack for a cross-country flight that leaves at 9:30 in the morning. Therefore, the theme of this week’s mailbag is “what it’s like to get advice from an exhausted and distracted grump.”

Sail these waters carefully, grammar pirates. Methinks typos lurk in the rough seas ahead.

Dear KSK,
College sex (sorta): I am a college-bound kid going going to a pretty big party school. Now, I am big but do work out and eat right, borderline depressed, lonely, and have no lasting fiends from high school. I probably would’ve gone to a small private college (it would’ve probably fit me better), but (being strapped on cash as my family is) I chose to attend the party school because they offered me their highest non-athletic scholarship. I’m not a party person, don’t drink, don’t do drugs (none of the last two necessarily by choice, more like, “I come from a poor family, so I really shouldn’t spoil what I have” along with the fact that I’ve never been in a situation where anybody cared to offer me any,”) or like crappy music. I’m also just not a great friend-maker, as in I’m not very attractive physically or someone that has a ton of confidence to just walk up to someone. Despite all this, I’m not a weirdo. I was a football captain on my team (as voted by the players), kids in my class actually liked to talk with me… I’m not the kid in the corner listening to marilyn manson with horizontal wrist scars. I’m normal. College is painted out to be this great thing by movies I’ve seen, adults I’ve talked with, and the money-grubbing institutions themselves. But I feel like I’m going to be unhappy, friendless, and studying and working out relentlessly just so I don’t self combust. Do you have any advice (therapy is too expensive)?

You said it yourself: you’re normal. Anyone who’s worth a shit feels out of place in high school, because the culture of high school is to ridicule individuals.

I apologize in advance for the overly long anecdote, but I think it’s relevant so here goes: I was truly lonely in high school in southern Illinois. I was a brutally late bloomer: I started my sophomore year at five-foot-one and 100 pounds. I was an excellent student who didn’t want to hang out with my fellow nerds, because I wasn’t socially awkward and didn’t have acne and didn’t like talking about math. I sang in the choir but felt uncomfortable hanging out with the choir kids, because their parties mostly consisted of playing improv acting games. I worked really hard writing and editing the school newspaper, which nobody gave a shit about. And so I left for college and was like, “fuck everybody” and joined the Marines.

Fast-forward nine years. I live in New York, and one day in the Union Square subway station I bump into the cheerleader who sat next to me in high school French class. She had been the prom queen and had all the traits that come with that crown: attractive and friendly and cool and blah blah. After that random encounter, we ended up dating for a little while, and I learned that she had felt out of place in high school, too. And I was like, “Bitch, you were popular!” But she was serious. Apparently it’s just something that all normal people go through. High school is shitty and awkward.

ANYWAY. Your question is about college. “Boo hoo hoo, I’m going to a party school.” Tell you what: I’m gonna table your question. Write in again after the first month of college and let me know if you’re still worried about being unhappy and friendless. In the meantime, relax, be friendly, maintain a positive attitude, and try to remember the names of people you meet. It’s gonna be fine.

(Also: (sidequestion) Has there been a college movie where someone doesn’t have a great time [minus those college horror films where hot chicks get killed while having a good time]. I mean even the guys in revenge of the nerds have the panty raid. The only movie I’ve seen where someones life sucks in college is Prozac Nation, and even then Cristina Ricci still made a friend instantly, had a guy, and never throughout the film seemed to go to class or study. She was just depressed because she sucked at writing.)
-Frosh

The Social Network, you may recall, is about a college kid who’s unhappy with his social standing. Noah Baumbach’s Kicking and Screaming is a little slow, but it does a good job of capturing the malaise of graduating seniors facing the world. Everyone in Rules of Attraction screws over someone else, and everybody ends up unhappy. Tobey Maguire’s character in Wonder Boys is obsessed with suicide, but it doesn’t really feel like a movie about college, and anyway you’re better off reading the book. St. Elmo’s Fire is unlike other college movies in that it’s an obnoxious pile of shit. Basically, if a movie portrays college students in a realistic way, it’s not a very good college movie. I’ll take Animal House any day of the week.

**********

To the Dukes of Dick-Sucking: From what I’ve heard, you guys have had a weak mailbag the last few weeks, so Imma try to use it to my advantage.

Actually, last week’s mailbag was pretty robust. You have outdated information.

FANTASY: I am an Eagles fan, and I hate Michael Vick with the passion of one thousand burning suns. He’s an overrated piece of shit who lofts passes and gets incredibly lucky when one of the young receivers picks it out of the air and saves his black ass.

Yeah, he barely has any arm strength or accuracy.

He runs back-and-forth for 20 minutes on one play and after he picks up 5 yards and falls down he’s praised for his “agility”. I don’t get it, and I probably never will…

Keep talking. I’m gonna watch these sick highlights of him throwing touchdowns and making tacklers miss in the open field.

But it doesn’t negate the fact that he’s a great fantasy option. My friend picked him with the very last choice in our league last year and I laughed in his face. Well needless to say sixteen weeks pass by and he cashes in BIG TIME. So I was wondering where you guys think it’s acceptable to take Mr. Mexico this year. Obviously, he’s not a running back (although he should be because it’s all he’s good for),

*cough*

so he won’t go in the first 7-8 picks. But after that is he worth taking with the likes of Brady, Rodgers & Manning?

Yes. I’d even take Vick over Manning (but not Philip Rivers). Sure, Vick’s likely to get injured at some point this season, but Manning is 35 and has never had a serious injury. He’s due! *crosses fingers*

Also, we should probably address what a flaming asshole of a fan you are. Like, it would be okay if your objection to Vick was that he’s a dog-killing felon. Totally legitimate complaint. But your entire argument against him is that his “black ass” completes passes to his receivers and makes five-yard gains after dodging tackles.

In 12 games last year, Vick completed 63% of his passes for over 3000 yards and 21 touchdowns to just six interceptions. He ran for an additional 676 yards and 9 touchdowns (at 6.8 yards a carry, not five, FYI). His passer rating was 100.2, fourth-best in the league behind Brady, Rivers, and Rodgers. He led his team to a playoff berth, where they lost a home game to the eventual Super Bowl champions who beat everybody they faced on the road. He’s an excellent quarterback who had a brilliant season for a very good team.

Oh, but you don’t like the arc of his passes? Fuck you. Do you realize there are only, like, ten or twelve good quarterbacks in the NFL at any time? Every year, two-thirds of all NFL teams start some useless hump like Chad Henne or Ryan Fitzpatrick or Alex Smith, and you have the temerity to bitch about how much you hate your team starting Michael Vick. Eat a dick.

OTHER QUESTIONS: Remember I’m taking advantage of you. So just lay back and let it happen.

Whatever.

1.) My best friend has decided to take the leap and marry his girlfriend. And at the same time, he’s asked me to be his best man. While I am more than willing to take on the role, I’m not quite sure what it entails. I know I plan the bachelor party and am expected to make some short, drunk speech at the wedding, but is there anything else I need to know?

No. That’s it. Except you get drunk after you make the speech, or else everyone at the wedding will come to the same conclusion that everyone reading this mailbag has made.

2.) Please analyze this situation for me: Be on a dating website, get a message from someone who I used to be friends with in high school (I’m 23). Talk on and off for a few hours and eventually get a number. Am I in due to the context (dating website) or is this just friendly catching up?
I await your responses with baited faps.
-Jackass Who Didn’t Leave a Name

You’re in. I suggest taking her to a Phillies game. You can tell her all about how you admire Chase Utley’s grit while denigrating Ryan Howard’s laziness.

**********

Dear Caveman,
I’m a long time reader, first time writer. I hope I don’t embarrass myself the first time out.

Football: 12 teams, 2 keepers. By far the least money invested, but by far the most trash talking invested. My options are Matt Ryan in the 4th, Ladanian Tomlinson in the 5th, Kenny Britt in the 6th, Mike Williams (TB) in the 7th or Matt Cassel in the 9th.

I’d keep either Britt and Williams or Cassel and Williams.

Relationship(sorry)/Sex: I asked a girl out 3 weeks ago. Because it would be a long distance relationship she’s taking her time to decide. In the meantime I decided to go off on a fling with someone else. Is that cheating?

No. You can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with.

Do I even have to tell the other girl?

Um, no. “While you think about whether you want to date me, you should know that I’ve been sleeping with other people.”

The fling was for my virginity (whoopsie), which brings me to the sex part of this question. Is it normally difficult to finish if you are wearing a condom? We went for an hour before I finally finished with my hand (she’s lazy). I just want to make sure that everything is working properly or if I should go see a doctor.
– Jeremy in West Virginia

Again, everyone’s penis is different, from size to shape to sensitivity. But no, it’s not unusual to have trouble coming when you’re wearing a condom. You probably need to stop grabbing your dick so tightly while jerking off. Relax your grip a little.

Also, I like that your reasoning for finishing with your hand is that your lover is lazy. Dude, you just fucked her for an hour and didn’t come! She’s tired. You can’t hammer away at a pussy for 60 minutes and then expect the woman to enthusiastically suck you off when you can’t pull the trigger.

**********

CC,
There’s this girl who I went out with a few times about a year ago. I don’t think the timing was right for either of us at the time, and we mutually agreed to go our separate ways. We know a lot of the same people, and many had vouched for her as a good head on her shoulders type of girl…has her shit together etc. Over the course of the past year, we’ve run into each other out at the bars and things are friendly and flirty, and she seems to have gained more interest recently (more suggestive, more flirtatious etc). I mentioned to a couple of friends that know her as well that I had been running into her recently and how she seemed more interested and that I was thinking about making a move again. I got the same story/reaction out of everyone that I told (all independently of each other mind you) – the girl has gone off the deep end. Apparently she has spent the past year snorting every drug in sight, spreading her legs for any guy with a pulse, drinking herself into a nightly stupor, and capping it off with a suicide attempt, which is now covered with a tattoo of some stupid fucking saying or some shit…I dunno.

Hearing all of that 100% killed my desire to try and date this girl. I dated a girl with some mental issues in the past, and umm, yeah, fuck that. Never again. My question is one of morality. Does the fact that I know she’s dealing with a lot of issues make it wrong to try and hook up with her? I mean, on one hand, if she’s hooking up with all these other dudes, and I just want a night of fun, seems like both parties are looking for the same thing. On the other hand, part of me feels like I’m taking advantage of a girl who’s life is clearly a fucking mess right now.
Thanks,
Todd Nizz

This is why being a man is so awesome. “Sure, she’s a suicidal drug-abusing slut, but I have a boner.”

On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with two adults enjoying consensual sex. On the other hand, crazy doesn’t take a day off. What you think could just be a fun drunken hook-up might end up with your apartment on fire or a dead girl in your bathtub. No thanks.

**********

Dear Wielder of the Big Club,
Sex first: My wife of nearly 11 years recently informed me that we are getting divorced. Here are some convenient relationship bullet points, since I’m an engineer and you value concision:

• She was 19 when we got married is now 30 going on 19 (still an undergrad after several attempts at college, hasn’t really ever worked for any length of time, I’ll be supporting her financially for the next year in return for her not seeking alimony for a longer period of time, etc.)
• I’m moving out of our rented house in Champaign, Ill., at the end of the month into a small apartment a mile or so away
• I was 24 when we got hitched and a bit of a Magary-esque late bloomer, so this is really the only relationship I’ve ever been in (and the only person I’ve had sex with)
• We/she didn’t want kids, so I had a vasectomy six or seven years ago
• I struggled with impotence on and off mostly because I have little self-confidence in that area, which is kind of a self-fulfilling prophecy; it was a source of conflict in our marriage, and I have a prescription for Viagra

So, I have a few questions: What’s an acceptable amount of time to wait before attempting to date?

Negative 20 hours. Start dating yesterday.

If I meet a nice young lady, at what point should I bring up the vasectomy — I lack both the ability and desire to reproduce — and is that likely to be a positive or negative attribute?

Mention it after you start having sex with a woman, but before it becomes a serious relationship. If you date women who want to have children, it will be a negative attribute. If they don’t, positive.

Any chance that my impotence will miraculously cure itself in the presence of a different partner?

Hell if I know. Stick with the Viagra prescription for now. That’s not something you want to leave to chance with a new sexual partner.

And finally, there are a lot of single, attractive, female grad students about; as a 35-year-old, how young is too young?

The age of consent in Illinois is 17. Up top, bro!

Outside of legal constraints, a common rule of thumb is “half your age + 7″, which means you shouldn’t go any younger than 25. But hell, you’re a 35-year-old divorcé who’s only been with one woman. Don’t be picky.

Fantasy Football: I’m not a FF player, and I’m at work, so I can’t seek out any excellent and obscure photos to send your way, but that Alison Brie sure seems like she’d be a fun person to spend an afternoon with, huh?
Best regards,
Back In The Saddle?

Are you telling me to find my own Alison Brie pictures to insert into the mailbag? Fuckin’ A, I gotta do everything around here. *Sigh* Very well. But I’m putting them on the next page, because GIFs can take a while to load. You want ‘em? You gotta give me another pageview.

Holy cow. I asked for more questions last week, and you people F’n delivered. There were so many excellent questions this week that I’ve made this mailbag the biggest, longest edition of the summer — or possibly ever. This bad boy clocks in at over 8400 words, which puts me in Easterbrookian territory I generally try to avoid, but I wanted to make up for recent lackluster performances. And I even had enough great questions for a whole other mailbag (which, before you suggest it, could never happen because I don’t write nearly fast enough). So thanks, everybody. Way to come through.

Also, my apologies to those of you who caught an unfinished draft of this when I accidentally published it earlier today. These things sometimes happen when you have multiple publishing platforms open in neighboring Chrome tabs. #firstworldproblems

Let’s do this. And whatever you do, don’t read this on the toilet. Your legs will fall asleep or you’ll die of a femoral blood clot or something like that.

Captain Clutch,
FOOTBALL: First time fantasy football player and commissioner here (I run my fantasy baseball league, so how hard can it be?). Looking to head up a 12-person league. To avoid arguments, headaches, etc., I decided to just go with the standard ESPN roster setup and scoring: 16 roster size, 9 starters, 1 QB, 2 RB, 1 FLEX, 2 WR, 1 TE, 1 DEFENSE/SPECIAL TEAMS and 1 K. I mentioned this to some friends who are veteran fantasy football players and some of them suggested that I should make the FLEX spot be QB/WR/RB instead of just WR/RB. Is this terribly unusual? Seems to me that having two QB’s starting can be a double-edged sword and add some strategy and excitement to the league. Then again, I admit my inexperience in fantasy football. I also am wondering about division setups? Do people typically draft first, then randomly assign people to their divisions? Or vice versa? I defer to your better judgment.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. No 2-quarterback fantasy leagues!

Listen, the whole point of fantasy football — aside from a gambling interest to make NFL games more exciting — is trying to replicate managing an actual lineup of players (the ones that produce easily measured stats, anyway). That’s why you have a flex position: it’s meant to represent the deviance in lineups from play-to-play. So if you’re going to tweak the flex settings, make it WR/RB/TE, because a two-tight end set is a lot more common than a 2-QB set.

(And before anyone starts talking about the 2-QB formations with Seneca Wallace or Tim Tebow where the #1 QB is lined up at wideout: eat a dick. Those are seldom-used formations that could never produce the kind of numbers you might get from starting, say, Aaron Rodgers as your QB and Josh Freeman as your flex.)

SEX, OR THE PURSUIT OF: So last October, I met a girl at a pub crawl. She was a friend of one of my very good female friends and was only visiting for the weekend. She lives two and a half hours away. We chatted it up, had some laughs, but I didn’t make a move or anything. Next day my friend tells me that her friend, we’ll call her Wendy, thought I was hot and she was interested in getting to know me. What followed next was standard: Facebook friends, messages exchanged, texts sent, etc. Turns out Wendy is actually an amazing girl who has a lot in common with me and our senses of humor mesh very well. My friend said she’d organize a weekend for Wendy to come up and visit again and get us together under one roof. My mistake was trusting her to do that because she is a very lazy girl and nothing happened. Time passed and it eventually dropped from my mind. About a month ago, she became “Facebook official” with some guy in her area. Oh well, my fault for dragging my feet. No big deal. Fast forward to last week when she became single on Facebook again.

Whoa, three whole weeks as someone’s Facebook girlfriend! She moves quickly.

Now I’m not saying I’m pining over this girl, but I wouldn’t mind correcting a mistake of inaction. I also haven’t had any communication with Wendy since February. My friend has acknowledged dropping the ball last year and says if I’m still interested, she promises to come through this time. I’m hesitant to trust her, but these two have become BFF so it may be wise to let her ease me back into Wendy’s graces. I also know my friend can be weird at times and I know she wouldn’t like me going behind her back. Better move in your opinion? Let her see what the landscape is, or should I just grab the bull by the horns and try to score a date myself?
Sincerely,
Bored at Work

Sometimes the best way to get results is to be a pain in the ass. Tell your female friend/Wendy’s BFF that you’re serious about “correcting the mistake of inaction” — I enjoy that phrase — and that if she doesn’t facilitate some dialogue with Wendy by X date, then you’ll take it upon yourself to contact her yourself. If your friend hooks you up, great. If not, she’s tacitly given you the green light.

Now, contacting Wendy out of the blue after six months won’t be easy. When you send her a FB message, don’t say anything along the lines of “DURR HURR I NOTICED YOU’RE SINGLE.” Just be frank with her: “Hey, it was so cool getting to know you a little bit last year, and I find that my thoughts keep turning to you even though we haven’t been in contact. Is there any chance we can talk or hang out sometime this summer?” That way it sounds like you’re a nice guy who’s been thinking about her, not some creep following her status updates.

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Dear Caveman,
Fantasy: What would be your ideal league rules? I’ve always played in a 10 team league with standard scoring and rosters, but I’m joining a new league this year and we’re open to changing the rules. Do you prefer a draft or auction format? If you do a keeper league, how many people should you be allowed to keep from season to season? Should we do points per reception? What about having a league where you start two QB’s?

No. See above.

Any other weird rules that you think would make it more fun and involve more strategy? I know there’s no right answer, but I just wanted to get your take on it.

Golly, I feel so flattered. For the record, what you’ve just done is also an excellent strategy when you’re on a date with someone new. “What’s your opinion? I want to get your take on it” is pretty much the #1 thing any woman wants to hear. I mean, they also love to hear things like “I love your shoes!” and “You’re so skinny!” and “Your hair is gorgeous! It makes you look like a movie star!” — but asking them their opinion on something goes beyond flattery and shows that you actually care about what they have to say (even if you don’t).

ANYWAY, here are my ideal league settings:

• 12 teams
• 1 QB, 2 WR, 2 RB, 1 TE, 1 Flex (RB/WR/TE), 1 K, 1 D/ST, 6 Bench positions (keeps FA wire active)
• Scoring: 1 point per 10 yards rushing/receiving, 1 point per 25 yards passing, 6 points per TD, 4 points per passing TD, 0.5 PPR
• Draft over auction, but that’s because I’m lazy. An auction requires much better preparation and strategy.
• Keepers are a fun way to give the league continuation if you don’t have a lot of manager turnover in your league. A great addition to a league after a year or two, but not necessary at the start.

I didn’t quite include every little foible of scoring, because there are too many things I don’t care enough about (-1 point versus -1.5 points for an interception, variable points for how long a kicker’s FGs are, why a QB’s INT might be -1.5 points for him but +2 points for the defense, etc.). I’m also not particularly opposed to return yardage as a fun wrinkle for those backup RBs and WRs who populate the waiver wire, but I’m just as happy not taking that into consideration when I’m working out my starting lineups.

Sex: My question isn’t about me because I’m that douchebag from a previous mailbag that “listens to the Universe” and my life is perfect (just kidding, but seriously that guy was brutal). If you have a buddy that’s about to get engaged and you’re 100% certain that it’s a bad decision, what’s the loyal thing to do? Like let’s say all of his friends agree that he shouldn’t get engaged, and let’s say we know he’s thinking of doing it in three months even though he met the girl last month. We all feel like we’re being paternalistic and don’t want to say anything, but at the same time we feel like we’d be bad friends to just sit back and watch him make a lifelong mistake. What, if anything, should we do?
Thanks,
Concerned Commish

It’s a tough position you’re in. Having seen this play out several times before across both sexes and various friendships and relationships, the options basically come down to (1) speak your mind, thus alienating your friend and making him closer to his prospective fiancee, or (2) stay mum and watch as he sinks ever deeper into the relationship. Fucking Catch-22.

I’m pretty sure I’ve told this anecdote before, but I dated a girl in college that probably should’ve been just a hook-up. When it started, my friend Brian said to me — I remember his exact words as we stood by the pool table in our fraternity house — “She’s bad news, and she’s not even that cute.” He was right.

Brian’s words stung but didn’t affect my course of action, and it made me colder to him even though he was the only friend who had the balls to tell me the truth. I certainly respect Brian’s character now, after the fact, but it didn’t impact me positively at the time. Meanwhile, I have other friends who were warned off of certain people they dated — and they got married anyway. And now those people either live with their friends’ disappointment or have sought out new friends. It’s a pretty shitty scenario. That’s the pernicious nature of love (or lust): it can blind us to reason and cause us to ignore confidantes looking out for our own good.

So do you tell your friend? Fuck, man, that’s a tough one. As tight as the bonds between male friends may be, you can’t compete with pussy. If you’re going to say anything at all, say it gently. Too much honesty and all you’ll get is one less friend.

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Dear Captains of Industry,
Football: I have such little hope for the coming season that even the act of asking a fantasy football question is painful. So, in lieu of a question on football (fantasy or not), here is a picture of a hot chick with a decent sleeve.

Sometimes, a sexy woman is the difference between making the mailbag and not making the mailbag. Although I do enjoy a nicely tattooed lady, I can’t say I’m a fan of Miss Lake’s skin art. Nevertheless, I’m a sucker for redheads with big boobs, so I did my due diligence with that watermark, and I’m happy to redirect viewers to more pictures of Vanessa. For those limited to safe-for-work images, you can see her pinup work on Model Mayhem and Facebook. For those of you looking for NSFW images, there’s plenty to be seen at Robot vs Badger, with additional tittays available via a simple Tumblr search.

Sex: I’m a 25 year old man in law school, and I recently started dating a pretty fun woman (about a month and a half ago, in fact), and everything about the relationship is pretty great (I’ve never had a girl cook for me before, and it is pretty amazing), except for the sex. I won’t put any of this at her feet: she’s energetic and excited during sex, and is one of those lucky girls who orgasms insanely easily, getting about three or four in a session, which is pretty gratifying and really makes me feel like a stud. However, I’ve always had issues with decreased sensitivity, and coupled with my until-recent obesity, I haven’t really been with many women (okay, three…get your laughs in now)

There’s nothing to laugh at. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with being a 25-year-old who’s had sex with three people. It means you’re way less likely to have an STD.

and never for very long periods of time, due in part to embarrassment about not being able to ejaculate easily during vaginal sex, especially when using a condom, which I’m doing now. This relationship, though, I can see going longer than a few months. When I’m handling myself I can orgasm in about 15 minutes or so, and when she’s giving me oral (blessed, blessed oral), it takes about 10. Any advice for my formerly fat-ass? (Tried to keep the word count down, hope it worked)
Thank you for your assistance,
Peen von Fritz

Well, it seems like you’d like to move this girl into “official girlfriend” status, and if that’s the case, just tell her that you have sensitivity issues that make it hard for you to ejaculate with a condom on. Maybe you can use that in your case to move toward exclusivity and glorious, glorious unprotected sex.

Of course, if you have problems getting off during unprotected vaginal sex, it means one of two things: (1) your dick is broken and you’re not a man, or (2) you’re secretly gay.

Kidding! Just kidding. I can only speak for my own penis, but if it takes you 15 minutes to masturbate to completion, somethin’ ain’t right. Like, sometimes it takes me as much as 15 minutes to jerk off, but that’s because I’m luxuriating in my Valhalla of lotion and porn. I’d recommend setting up an appointment with a urologist to see if everything’s okay physically. If you can rule out physical dysfunction, that leaves mental blocks as the cause (very possible if you have lingering body image issues), which is a whole other thing that I’m even more unqualified to walk you through.

In the meantime, keep sexin’ up your lady. Just enjoy getting her off and don’t worry about your orgasm. I suspect that over time, the more you focus on enjoying the act of sex (and not the destination of orgasm), the more likely you’ll find yourself close to that destination.

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CC,
Sex: I live in a beach community with a very small year-round population, a huge number of tourists, and a fair amount of 18-23 year-olds that come and work for the summer.

NICE.

Without being crass, the island does not lend itself to monogamy.

Do you work on Temptation Island? Because that was my favorite reality show EVER.

Not too long ago, I met a girl whose parents own a house here. She lives about 4 hours away and makes occasional visits when their home isn’t occupied by renters. We get along well, so whenever she comes down I clear my schedule in order for us to hang out (Oh, and before you panic – this is definitely not a long-distance relationship question). I had let her know previously that whenever she wanted to come down but couldn’t stay at her family’s house she was welcome to stay with me, and about 3 weeks ago she texted me to say she was taking me up on that offer. This is where the trouble begins.

I had been spending quite a bit of time with a girl that lives here, and was now faced with the dilemma of trying to avoid her for a week or letting her know the situation. As a bartender in a place she frequents, I didn’t have the option of using work as an excuse because she could simply come by for a drink and see I’m not there. As a person, I try to be as open and honest as possible with the other people in my life. It was pretty clear to me what I had to do, but I’ve been around enough women to know this conversation was not going to go well and would likely mark the end of our relationship. Many drinks, several harsh words and a few tears later, she said she couldn’t be around me anymore.

OBVS.

I suppose my question is, what should I have done? My female friends seem to just shake their head disapprovingly, and most of my male friends are a few shades more womanizing than a Kennedy, so I want an opinion somewhere from the middle. Should I avoid all other female contact except for the few times a year I see this other girl? I don’t think there should be a problem with me carrying on a few different casual relationships provided my actions are not malicious. It’s not like I’m pulling the classic “two dates in the same restaurant” sitcom scenario. Please help sir, before more innocent hearts are broken.

I don’t see what the problem is. You had two women on your plate, and rather than doing some shady double-timing, you broke it off with your steady girl. Feelings get hurt in break-ups: there is no candy-ass reality where every break-up is mutual and both people are happy and better off for it. It’s emotionally exhausting stuff even when the relationship isn’t all that serious. Welcome to life.

Now, if you wanted to continue dating your island girlfriend — or maybe just avoided dealing with tears — then the appropriate course of action would have been to text your visiting piece of tail and let her know that sorry, you’re seeing someone right now and it wouldn’t be appropriate for her to stay with you. Pretty simple, really.

Fantasy: I used to play a lot when I was younger, but after high school I lost more and more interest until I eventually stopped altogether. Do you think playing for money (which I never did) would prove more exciting, or is the whole thing just not for me?
-DW

EVERYTHING is better when playing for money. Have you ever been to one of those fundraiser casino nights, where you get X amount of free chips and you can play blackjack for no stakes whatsoever? It’s dull as shit, because you don’t have a goddamn penny riding on that double down against the dealer’s nine. People don’t participate in dog fights strictly for their love of dogs killing each other, you know?

Anyway, depending on how much money you and your prospective league mates make, it can be nice to play the season with a $50 or so buy-in — not enough to break the bank with your investment, but it makes the potential windfall come December very nice.

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Dear Cave Dweller,
I’ll start with the sex question. So I’ve been seeing this girl for about a month now and I’m just feeling guilty as to the pretense under which this whole relationship started. So I’m at a baseball game with a couple friends and have put a few away when this girl trying to get to her seat spills her beer all over me. She apologizes repeatedly and seems really embarrassed so I say don’t worry about it, why don’t you come up to the concession stand with me- you need a beer (and you’re really cute), I need a beer. Not a big deal. I’m just wearing a t-shirt, etc, etc. So we start talking and actually stand up by the concession stand for a couple innings and she starts telling me about her internship and how much she loves living here (on the East Coast but I’d rather not disclose) and on and on. I’m just thinking to myself, damn it, internship??? This chick is in college? I totally want to fuck this girl and she seems relatively mature for a 21 year old but I’m 35. When I was in college I thought anyone over 30 was a fucking fossil!! I’m toast. There’s no way she’ll ever go for it.

Never discount the possibility of daddy issues.

So we keep talking and she ends up asking me how old I am and being a bit buzzed I just blurt out 28. She’s like, oh, cool. Doesn’t bat an eye. So what’s the harm, right? If I have to lie to bang some senior in college one night so be it. Well, I end up taking her out a couple nights later and doing just that. Here I am now a month later and she stayed over at my place 3 times in the last week.

Your pants must be on fire from all the sex you’re having. Wait, no. That would be the lies.

I literally had to go through my apartment and hide anything that might give away my age. Why does your college diploma say 1997? Because I’m a fucking genius and I graduated when I was 14. I temporarily de-activated my Facebook account and just told her I’m the last person not on there. It fucks me up whenever I tell a story because I can’t screw the fictional timeline up. Lying is hard damn work. I feel like I’m living some George Costanza kind of lie. The crazy thing is I’m actually really starting to like this girl. I don’t know if she’s really that into me or just likes the idea of dating an older guy who can take her to nice restaurants, shows, etc. She spent the first month of her summer at shitty bars with other interns and maybe just wants someone who can do other things with her. Anyways, I do feel bad about lying to her but I never thought this last month could have actually went like this. Oh, the sex is great by the way. So I guess the question is what do I do about this situation? My guy friends think I’m kind of a dick but that it’s also hilarious and awesome. The couple females who know…..not so much. I see myself as having three options 1) Just come clean, apologize, tell her I’d had a few when she asked and hope she’s cool with it 2) Continue living the lie and just never tell her. She leaves town in a month. 99% chance it’s over then anyways. 3). Live the lie this summer and then if she moves back here after graduation and I see her again I tell her then.

In order:

1. Good idea.
2. Bad idea, but amusingly so, in a dickbag sort of way.
3. Fucking terrible idea.

I’d go with #1, stress that you didn’t think it would go anywhere because she’s so young and smart and beautiful, and then explain the continued lying by telling her that you just wanted to be with her more and didn’t want to risk losing her. It’s standard desperate begging, but she’s young, so following up with flowers and particularly romantic acts will go a lot further than they’d go with an older woman.

Onto football- I’m the commissioner of a league for which the team names are a bit stale and it really pisses me off. I take pride in trying to come up with a somewhat witty new name every season. Some of the guys in my league haven’t changed their names in 5 years. I want to strangle them when I see the same bullshit name again. I want to do something at the draft so that no one names their own team (ideally something insulting- we’re all friends). Guys seem to the most creative when they’re insulting their friends. Do I just have people pick someone else’s name out of a hat? That seems a little lame. Do I allow last year’s league champ to give everyone an insulting name? Any thoughts you have on this would be helpful. Thanks.
-Sexy Costanza

Why should people change the name of their fantasy team to make you happy? In one of my leagues, my team has been named Muffcunt Vaginapussy for three years, and I have no intention of changing it. Hell, maybe your opponents know that the name thing drives you crazy, and that’s why they keep it dull. Gamesmanship.

Of course, fantasy football IS more fun if everyone has profane and/or funny team names, so it may be a good idea to stay tuned to KSK and share Drew’s annual Guide to Naming Your Fantasy Team with your league when it comes out (usually in early to mid-August). But you can’t force people to give a shit about what you give a shit about. That’s why we hate our Facebook friends whose updates are always about their kids.

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Dear ummm- damn, I swear I had something for this
My problem isn’t really about sex, but I honestly don’t know anyone else that I talk to about this. So, here it goes: I go to grad school in a small town. Recently I found out that I failed a course and have to repeat a year. This is horrible news not only for my career (obviously), but also in my personal life. I go to a small enough school that most people are familiar with each other. This means that the entire school knows I failed. How the fuck am I supposed to have a social/sex life when the whole school knows what a dumbass I am? I’m not a great catch to begin with; I’m short, skinny (but getting fatter thanks to stress eating for the past couple of months) and balding with gaps between my teeth and a small penis (maybe, I don’t know). Most of the people I interact with are from the school and there aren’t that many people outside of the school because, like I said, it is a small town. I understand I should focus on school first and get my shit together, but the prospect of being holed up in my apartment by myself for the next 3 years scares me. This really isn’t how I pictured my early 20s to be. How do I start getting my life together? Really, at this point, any advice is great.

Football: Is there even a slight chance that the Raiders will turn it around in my lifetime? Why can’t Al Davis just die?

By the way, I completely understand if you don’t answer this question. I’m 100% sure people don’t want to read a story about some loser when they go to your website.

Thanks,
– Pete

Relax, Pete. As flubby explained to the KSK staff, most Raiders fans have failed at least one class at some point in their lives. Now you’re a real member of Raider Nation.

As for your concerns about school and life, I’m not going to turn this into some long pep talk about picking yourself up, dusting yourself off, and continuing with your life — but that’s pretty much what you need to do. The wallowing in failure and self-loathing you’re doing is unbecoming, and people will smell it on you as surely as they would if you shit your pants or didn’t wear deodorant.

Short answer: worry about the things you can control. Don’t worry about the things you can’t. You can’t control what other people think or say, so who gives a shit? Study hard. Exercise. If going bald and having a gap in your teeth bothers you, stock up on Rogaine and get your teeth fixed. Otherwise shut up and rock that look. Paul Scheer is an ugly son of a bitch, but he’s pretty damn successful.

You can’t do anything about being short, so throw your shoulders back and stand proudly. Be a man, not some homunculus of failure. The people with the most character are the ones who use their failures to grow stronger and wiser.

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Dear KSK,
Well, let’s start with the FF. I am in a dynasty league (get to keep 5 guys) that is also PPR. My set in stone keepers are Rogers, Megatron, Mendenhall and RUN DMC. For the fifth spot, I am going back and forth, and back and forth between Brandon Lloyd, LeGarrette Blount or the extra draft pick (if you dont keep the full complement of 5, you get draft picks back). Thoughts?

Blount was inconsistent; I’d keep Lloyd. He’s better than a draft pick.

On the sex front, this is more of a guy code question. My wife has a friend. She is quite attractive. For a solid decade she dated some rich asshole (heir to major pharmaceutical company fortune), who after they had been together for 7 years banged some townie in the Hamptons, got herpes and promptly passed the disease onto her. Fast forward to now, her and a good buddy of mine met at a networking event, and are on their way to putting tab A into slot B. Because I know she is afflicted — I need to give him a heads up, right?
-Wingman Whistleblower

So she dated the guy for a solid decade, even though he cheated on her and gave her herpes after seven years? Meaning she stayed with him for three years after he cheated on her and gave her herpes. Meaning, in turn, she’s either a hardcore gold-digger or an utter moron. That’s more of a concern to me than the herpes — whatever’s going on up in her head isn’t limited to outbreaks.

Anyway, we — that is, the mailbag and its contents — haven’t revisited the herpes discussion for a while, so let’s hit the major talking points. While herpes is certainly not something you want to contract, it’s also not the end of the world. It’s only contagious during outbreaks — which become increasingly rare after the first year of infection — and while the virus is “shedding,” a narrow window of contagiousness before an outbreak (and outbreaks are further limited by Valtrex and similar medications). So while the popular opinion is OH GROSS HERPES UNCLEAN, reasonable people can understand and accept the condition — whether they have it, or are just having sex with someone who does. As Drew once said, it’s like getting a used Corvette at an excellent price.

However, none of that answers your question about whether to warn your friend. And though I respect your desire to look out for your buddy, what’s going on in your wife’s friend’s vagina is her business, not yours; the onus is on her to talk about her STD with potential partners. If you need reassurance that your friend is going to get fair warning, I’d suggest talking to your wife and seeing if she can talk to her friend about it. If your wife gleans that her friend doesn’t intend to disclose her herpes, THEN you can give him a heads-up.

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Greetings Captain,
Fantasy first. I have been in the same league for 6 years, just co-workers, and we start from scratch every year due to the whims of HR. You get fired from the company, we replace you as well. Barbaric, but tradition.

I appreciate that realness.

My question is, what is the ideal time to hold your draft? This group makes it earlier each year due to vacations, and last year we had the draft following the 3rd preseason game. I say the week between the last preseason game and the start of the season, but to no avail.

You’re right, of course. Tough titty for you.

Sex. Divorced after 12 years of marriage, 15 years with the same woman. Last time I dated there were no cell phones, and the internet was dial up. I have been single about 18 months. Have had my share of dates and short term relationships, and because I date within my age range (35-42), there are a lot less hangups about sex. Women just seem to want it just as much, if not more. Issue, I met one woman, who I hit it off with on a personal level, and we became good friends. Very close. One night, we got drunk and fooled around. Thats what us old folks call it. She loves the idea of friends with benefits, however 2 things occured. One, she is absolutely brutal in bed. I never thought a bad lay existed, usually just grateful for the opportunity. But she has one position, doesn’t care for oral, and once she is satisfied she falls asleep. I did try a second time to make sure it wasn’t just the alcohol, but same thing happened. I spent too much time in monogamy to deal with that again. Two, she doesn’t really believe in grooming. Im not looking for a wood floor, but yikes. So now I am avoiding seeing her in person. I enjoy the friendship, but I am not doing that again. How do I explain this without pissing her off?
Sincerely,
Weedwacker needed

“You suck in bed and your pussy’s hairier than Robin Williams.” Nope, I guess that doesn’t work, huh?

Depending on how the woman is wired, there may not be a way to tell her without pissing her off. I briefly dated someone who appeared to be smart and funny and sexy — but was an absolute dead fish in bed. And it was a goddamn shame, because her tits were a sunny meadow in heaven filled with rainbows and corgis. I could have happily put up with any number of awful quirks if she didn’t just lay there without moving or making a sound. And what can you say? Certainly not “You’re awful in bed.” I guess that’s why the sentence “Let’s just be friends” was invented. It’s polite shorthand for “The mere thought of sex with you turns my stomach.”

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Lads,
I’d like to combine questions if I may. I live on the Gold Coast in Australia, but have a work opportunity in Evansville, Indiana.

Oof. For those who’ve never traveled the sparkling highway of I-64 from Louisville to St. Louis, Evansville is toward the southwestern tip of Indiana, just across the water from Kentucky and not far from southern Illinois. It is maybe the fifth-best city in a state without any good cities. And don’t let any Colts fans or Notre Dickwads tell you otherwise.

It’s a decent job but travel opportunities out of Evansville seem to be limited. I’ve never been to the States, but am super keen to get to some live NFL games and hit some good bars and talk NFL shit with people who actually give a fuck and know what they’re talking about. I’m also into crossfit and triathlons, and would love to get some events in, meet some hot chicks and hopefully cut a significant swathe through your female population (no offence). I do okay here, but I’m backing that my accent and novelty value might increase my batting average, so to speak.

A physically fit Australian man? Yeah, you’re gonna do just fine with the ladies.

Unfortunately a look at Google Maps seems to show Evansville is Fat Humps Territory — this is backed up by Wikipedia which shows it is the most obese city in the USA. I realise Evansville is not likely to be the best place to fulfil my NFL and multi-cultural sexual dreams – but is it worth it just to get a foot in the door? Am I going to be surrounded by obese Colts fans, or should I just ignore the stats? To be honest what I’m most worried about is throwing away something good – am I fucking crazy for wanting to leave Australia and move to Indiana??
Appreciate your help,
Red Hill Charlie.

I can understand your curiosity. A common stop for Marines on deployment is Darwin, Australia. From what I understand, most Aussies think of Darwin as a shitty backcountry nowhere, but the Marines who’d been there had loved it. It was Australia, after all — this crazy country on the other side of the Earth that most of us dream about but never visit. There were wallabies an’ shit! Awesome!

So do you move to America, even if it’s not a glamorous part? Well, it depends on your expectations and desires. I cannot stress to you enough just how big of a gigantic motherfucking step down it is to go from the Gold Coast to southern Indiana. There’s no beach. There are not beautiful surfer girls in bikinis. What you get in southern Indiana is fat people and fast food and humidity. However, if you lower your expectations enough, you can still see plenty of decent nightlife and NFL action if you’re willing to drive a couple hours. Here’s a breakdown of nearby NFL cities and the approximate time it would take to drive there from Evansville (I went with conservative estimates, in case you obey speed laws):

• St Louis: 3 hours
• Nashville: less than 3 hours
• Indianapolis: 3.5 hours
• Cincinnati: 4 hours
• Chicago: 6 hours

As I stated above, you’re also across the river from Kentucky, the birthplace and one true home of delicious American bourbon — and only two hours from Louisville, site of the Kentucky Derby and home to plenty of frisky Southern belles. And look! Evansville even has a CrossFit gym! (Not the greatest picture gallery, though.)

And before any Fat Humps start claiming that I’m maligning the Midwest, I spent my high school years not too far from Evansville: I was in southern Illinois, about 35 minutes from St. Louis. I was also stationed in Fort Knox for 4 months — about 40 minutes from Louisville — and enjoyed it for the most part. So I know the region okay. There are nice people. There’s cold beer. But I haven’t been back in ten years, and I don’t plan to go back, because where I live (New York) and the various cities where my friends and family live (Boston, D.C., Atlanta, San Diego, L.A., San Francisco, Seattle, Chicago, and so on) all kick the shit out of Evansville. So while I don’t recommend living in southern Indiana, I do recommend living in America. We’re intensely proud of this country for a reason. Come check it out.

**********

Dear KSK,
Football question first: I’m doing fantasy football for the first time, because I’m deployed to goddam Iraq in support of Operation New Yawn and I have an absurd amount of free time and my warfighters have been issued hugs and kisses instead of rounds. I would feel guilty about how little I’m doing, but it’s my fourth deployment and frankly I’m loving the rest. I’m buying a Dodge Challenger and working out and not paying taxes, and it rocks.

Something that civilians may not realize: service members do not have their income taxed while deployed to combat zones. A totally fair and deserved perk — until you realize that sailors enjoy that benefit while sitting off the coast of Kuwait. Fucking Navy.

So in an attempt to stay busy and maintain an interest when I probably won’t be seeing many games, I’m taking the fantasy leap, which I’ve avoided before because I felt like it 1) would take up that much more time, when I already spend entire weekends drunk on the couch, and 2) because my friends who are way into fantasy and gambling seem to end up caring more about that than their teams (rooting for one player to perform, but not so much his team beats the spread, and not really caring about the game, etc.).

You still root for your team to win. The Seahawks are always my #1 rooting interest. Fantasy football and gambling just make EVERY OTHER GAME instantly enjoyable.

I’m playing in a Yahoo! Sports league that seems to be set up pretty standard, and my question is: what are some basic, no-shit draft tips for a total beginner?

My standard recommendation to everyone is to find a nice balance between drafting for need (i.e. filling all the positions) and taking the best player available. For example, there’s a time in every draft where there’s a run on the handful of good tight ends, and you have to decide if you want to reach for a good tight end (there aren’t many) or take a player who presents better value for the round. There’s no hard and fast answer, you just have to go by feel.

Yahoo has a nice little feature that allows you to sort all the players by your assessment of their value versus the Yahoo standard. It’s got an easy-to-use drag-and-drop functionality, and you can use it during your online draft (players disappear from your list after they’ve been drafted). It’s not a hard-and-fast way to determine who to pick next, but it’ll give you an idea of who you think is the most valuable player on the board.

Sex question second, which I would probably pass on but you’re prior service and you also asked for questions, so I figure fair’s fair if you help with the first one. I’m recently married to a wonderful woman (no, it’s not a predeployment thing–we were together for almost two years and properly engaged, etc. prior). After I flew out, she got PCS orders to a base that’s as far away as possible from where I’m at without going OCONUS.

That would be Outside the CONtintental United States for our civilian friends.

I can’t join her for a while because there are no slots there for me, and I just started at my job regardless and I love it–great unit, great bosses, great co-workers, great mission. I genuinely love her, and our sex life is good, giving, and game.

Ah, a Dan Savage reader. I like the way people who send him submissions all have clever acronym names (someone did it here last week, and I failed to properly praise that person). Half of the people who write into this mailbag don’t leave any kind of handle, so I just make stuff up. Step up yo’ game, readers!

But I’m a dude and 2 to 3 years with only periodic visits (we’re both officers, but flights are still expensive, and time is the bigger limiting factor…I can’t take leave every month) is a hard thing to face. Are periodic, out-of-town side pieces with no emotional involvement acceptable? If yes, what are the caveats?

I wouldn’t know — you’d have to ask your wife. If she’s cool with it, it’s not a problem. (NOTE: most wives are not cool with it.)

If you’re talking about a piece of strange on the sly, then no. Not acceptable. I’d also like to remind you that adultery is punishable under the Uniformed Code of Military Justice. If I remember correctly, a court-martial is generally bad for an officer’s career.

Follow-up, she’s intimated that a threesome is not out of the question as a post-deployment treat (I know this deployment is a joke, I think of it as just a belated gift for the ones we weren’t together for). No pressure on my end, it was freely offered (and I was honest in my acceptance). I know she might back out at any point, so I’m not counting on anything until it happens, but I’m admittedly hopeful. I’m leaning towards high-end escort as the third, because there’s no post-threesome social awkwardness and said escort can be briefed on expectations prior to threesome, hopefully minimizing the risk of mid-threesome issues. Any thoughts / guidance?

To bring it full circle, if I win the league, I’ll spend the money on said escort.
Thanks!

Not really, just a high-five for you. It’s my firm belief that any service member who survives four pumps to a combat zone is entitled to a threesome with his wife.

**********

Greetings sirs, chick reader here!

They DO exist!

Football first, I suppose: So supposedly the lockout should be sorted out by Thursday? Or at least that’s what I’m banking on? Otherwise I vote in favor of cancelling Sundays, because I don’t really see the point without football. That’ll be all for that subject…

Well, it’s Thursday, and the lockout is still going on. From what I hear, it’ll be another two weeks to hammer out the rest of the details. But a positive outcome seems likely.

On to sexytime. I wish I had a much more attractive topic to write in about, but unfortunately my much anticipated first-submission to this is moderately embarrassing. Either way, I know the soon-to-be-mentioned douchebag reads this site so I’m hoping you’ll either side with me and he’ll change his mind (very unlikely), or you’ll set me straight. Onward…

So I’ve been sexing this dude for four years or so (dated, broke up, fuck buddies, sworn enemies, back to occasional fuck buddies due to hate sex, SCORE!). I don’t really care what he does on his own time but he’s a great option for when I’m home & occasional visits. This past spring when we weren’t speaking he raw-dogged this horribly slutty Asian chick that I’ve hated for years. Fast-forward two months later…and I discovered that I had an STD. I asked him to be very thorough in telling me his sexual partners, to which he obliged, and in between fucking me and her…there was only one other girl. AND he never actually had sex with her. He warned that girl, she got tested, everything came back negative.

I have now asked him to please contact said slutty Asian, and he is refusing. His reasoning is that he wants to “put it all behind him” but I’m pretty sure that its just because he wants to bang her again some time in the future and he doesn’t want her to think negatively of him if her tests come back negative as well. I think that I deserve some closure and finality in finding out who passed this along to me…and I think that (in fairness) she deserves to know that she might have something and may be passing along to unsuspecting others. I’ve asked him numerous times to please just confront her about it, but he can only forsee it making things worse. I obviously think that he is taking the selfish route…A. because he is the most selfish person I know & B. because while it may make things worse for him (and for me it doesn’t make the disease go away–it simply makes me feel better) he honestly doesn’t deserve to avoid the subject. I’ve considered messaging her myself, but I told him that I will heavily weigh all of the ups and downs of both his and my own argument before making my decision. Therefore…I’ve come to you.

Am I crazy for wanting to know where I got an STD from? And am I a psycho for wanting to confront her? Lastly, should you side with me–is there any way to get through this guy’s thick-headed-ness?
Sincerely yours,
I’ll show you my tits if you post my question on your site.

Oy.

Okay, there’s a lot to sort through here. Let me tackle your questions one by one so I don’t get bogged down in the details.

Am I crazy for wanting to know where I got an STD from?

You already know where you got an STD from. You got it from that dude you’ve been fucking on and off for four years. What, you want to find the girl that gave it to him? And then what? Harass her about getting an STD? Maybe grill her about her sexual history so you can track down the guy who gave it to her? After that, maybe you can travel the country annoying the shit out of people to find out the family tree of your STD. You can become an expert on the STD’s genealogy, tracing it all the way back to the Italian immigrant that brought it to Ellis Island.

Fuck that. You got the STD from that dude. That’s it. That’s what happens when you fuck people who aren’t in a monogamous relationship with you: you place yourself at a greater risk to get a sexually transmitted disease. Shit happens.

And am I a psycho for wanting to confront her?

I woudn’t say “psycho.” It’s natural to feel angry and ashamed — and to want to find someone to shoulder the blame. But I don’t see why you have to hunt down the woman who gave your dude the STD when the dude is right there in your “Casual Fucks” circle. Here’s an idea: how about instead of calling other women “horribly slutty,” you accept some responsibility for your actions, recognize that it was probably stupid to spend four years fucking around with someone who can’t offer you anything more than an orgasm, and move on.

Regarding the “she deserves to know she needs to get tested” aspect: well, yes. You have a point there, and the right thing for Mr. Selfish to do would be to tell her. I’m sure you can threaten him with “If you don’t tell her, then I will” — but then you put yourself in the unenviable position of having your finger on the nuke button. Because let’s face it: you’re not letting her know for her sake, you’re letting her know because you’re pissed off and you don’t like her.

So what happens when he calls your bluff and you confront her? You go to tell her, and maybe she’ll thank you and go get tested. Or maybe she’ll go to Mr. Selfish, and he points her to this little Internet column and says, “She’s lying! Just look at this crazy screed she put on the Internet! She called you a horribly slutty Asian chick that she’s hated for years!” Then everybody’s all pissed off at each other, and best-case scenario is you’re the mean chick with an STD.

Lastly, should you side with me–is there any way to get through this guy’s thick-headed-ness?

Well, I’m not really siding with you, but I’m definitely not siding with the guy, either. I’m sure he’s just as thick-headed as you say he is. But I have to wonder: what have YOU done to curb his selfish behavior over the years? Oh, that’s right: you’ve continued to sleep with him for years after your break-up without asking for (or offering) any kind of emotional investment in return. You probably can’t change how he behaves, but you can cut him out of your life and change your behavior.

…right after you show me your tits. A deal’s a deal, baby.

Ahoy-hoy. Before we get into today’s submissions, a couple reminders:

1. A lot of mailbags recently have been a little thin in the submissions department. Be sure to email us with your sex and/or fantasy football questions so that the only thing I do around here remains robust and worthwhile.

And 2. As the picture above indicates, I stress again that I am neither a fantasy football expert nor a licensed therapist. I’m just a dude who’s made a boatload of mistakes with the opposite sex.

So yes, this mailbag is both thin and slightly amateurish today, as I was preoccupied this week compiling the twenty most punchable faces on TV. A pity that the mailbag suffers because of it, but well worth it in the long run, I think. Let’s dig in.

Dear Cave0,
Fantasy Football: Who would you consider un-tradeable this upcoming coming season?

Nobody. Everyone’s tradeable — it just comes down to price. Aaron Rodgers might be the best fantasy quarterback in the game, but I’d probably trade him if some lunatic offered me Arian Foster and Calvin Johnson, you know?

Sex (If you wanna call it that): I’ve been single for a little over a year now after a horrible 2 year relationship. In the past year, many things have gotten better in my life since I started focusing on myself more and started running, went back to school, found a part time job etc… all in all, I’m in a much better place now. The way I see it, a lot of this can be attributed to me not having a girl to spend all that boyfriend time with which was a huge waste of time during that failed relationship. So with that, I have not been looking for a relationship and as anyone guy can point out, that’s usually when all the girls seem to want you most. So anyways, I met this girl through a girl I work with and she’s beautiful and we hit it off from the first night we talked and she’s really into me. Now the problem is I seem to be not into her as much after I’ve seen how much she’s into me. Is this because I’m just hesitating from any type of relationship because I don’t want to be in a bad one again, or is it the girl herself? I’ve made it clear to this girl that I have many things in my life (like my studying, exercise, guys time etcc..) that I’m not going to change drastically just because I met her. And the one thing that is worrying is she would gladly text me throughout the day if I don’t say something like “hey, gotta do such and such, I’ll text u later babe” and leave her for a few hours, usually because I really am busy with something. I don’t want to be selfish and get into a relationship that my heart is not fully into, but at the same time, I don’t want to do anything drastic like cut it off with her because I think something is there between us and she is long term material and the opposite of my Ex in so many ways for the better. So my question is, how do I know if I’m not into this girl that much because of her, or is it because I’m just scared to go back into a relationship and don’t want to fuck with the good things in my life?
Thanks for the help, -
Appreciative reader

Dear sweet mother of Jesus, that was one long-winded paragraph. When I finished reading it, my brain leapt out of my skull to gasp for air.

Anyway, a lot of things have to line up for a relationship to work out. It’s not just about meeting the right person — it’s about meeting the right person at the right time. And both people have to feel the same way and be in the right mindset for it to work. I can look back on every fizzled relationship I’ve ever had and easily pick out the missing component: women who blindsided me with a breakup (I was either the wrong person, or the timing wasn’t right for her); a year I wasted with someone who was controlling and distrustful largely because she entered my life when I was ready to have a girlfriend; and several perfectly nice, smart, attractive women where I flaked because I wasn’t mentally ready to commit to a relationship.

That’s what your situation sounds like to me — possibly the right person, but she came into your life at the wrong time. Or hell, maybe she’s just not the right person. You probably won’t know which it is until you break it off with her, then see her two months later looking super-hot at some party and holding another guy’s hand. You’ll either think, “Good for her!” or “FUCK FUCK FUCK! WHAT WAS I THINKING?” Either way, if you’re communicating your feelings honestly and not leading her on, you’re doing the right thing for the moment.

**********

Dear Popular Purveyor of Apoplexy,
Don’t have much on the sex issue. Good/healthy relationship with a hot, successful chick. If only she brought hot 20 year old girls home on the reg, it would be heaven.

Wait, “on the reg”? Does that mean that she only occasionally brings home hot 20-year-old girls? That’s what I’m going to choose to believe.

Fantasy Football is why I’m here. I’ve got a major decision to make, but first, a little background on the league I’m discussing is necessary. It’s a rather complex, 10 team, auction draft, dynasty league, allowing keepers, and (our subject today) pre/during draft trades. All the managers pay attention, are very active, and we have a lengthy league constitution and rule book to deal with pretty much any issues that would arise.

The draft is a $100 auction, followed by an S draft during which you can fill out any remaining roster spots. The only tweak on the S-draft is that it is done by reverse order of when each manager ran out of auction money (thus if you pay $20 each for 5 players, and are out first, you’ll be waiting a long time before you get to look at a 6th player). This works well in motivating teams to keep to the $100 budget, but allows for experimentation by risk-prone managers. You can keep up to 2 players from your previous draft, but those two players will cost you their previous draft price, plus $8. Thus, you only want to keep highly skilled players that you got at a bargain the year prior.

I also note just as advice to other leagues that we do waiver bidding ($100 budget for the season, blind bids every Wednesday), and have a rotating commissioner situation, so everyone that wants to can be the man for a season. We are about to (hopefully) start year 5. I won last year, in large part due to drafting McCoy ($15) and Foster ($13) for reasonable bargains (Petersen went for $37), and picking up Vick late in the supplemental S-draft (same value as FA=$1). So, obviously I’m keeping Foster, who will be a great value. My choice between Vick and McCoy seems like a no-brainer – take Vick at $9, because he was the highest scoring QB last year, and should be top 5 again (top 5 usually go for 15-25). Feel free to give any commentary on choosing Vick over McCoy in the second keeper spot, because McCoy too should be worth his keeper value at $23.

However, my question is as follows: I have put out feelers to each of the other managers about their interest in Vick. Here’s how that would work under our rules: I keep him for $9, taking up one of my keeper spots, then prior to the start of the auction, trade him to another manager for $X, I would then start the auction with $100 + $X – $9 to bid on players in the draft. I’m thinking that Vick is a bit of a risk, with his injury prone style, and one hit wonder track record. I’ve got one offer so far for over $20 on Vick – do I snap this up? I’d start the draft with the difference between my keeper cost on vick, $9 and that offer, let’s say $23 just for the sake of it. An extra $14 in the draft is huge in this league, considering the budget. So, should I keep Vick and actually keep him, or keep him and pre-draft trade him while the iron is hot and his value is up?
Thanks,
Convoluted League Idiot Trader

I was told there would be no math.

**********

I’m not feeling an original and witty greeting… so hey,
I’d like to start with football. I am in a 12-team four-keeper league in which I was undefeated all year, but lost in the semi-final. I had the first pick and took Johnson with it, and I was lucky enough to grab Arian Foster late in the draft, as the news had just recently broken out about Ben Tate and his expected draft position hadn’t yet been changed. I also picked up Michael Vick. So three of my keepers are definitely going to be CJ, Foster, and Vick, but the fourth is the one where I’m a bit stumped on who to decide. I also have Josh Freeman, Marques Colston, and Wes Welker. I obviously wouldn’t consider Freeman unless I thought I could get the best trade value for him, since I already have a better QB and I usually use the last few rounds of the draft to pick up a backup. I’m not sure which of those three will carry the most value though, what do you think?

Because I’m white and play in a PPR league, my first inclination is to say Welker. But I’m going to fight my racist urges and say Colston on account of him getting in the end zone more, which may or may not be true. I don’t really feel like looking it up.

And then the other thing… so I’ve been going out with a girl for a few months. We’re both 25 and she’s smoking hot. And she’s always up for sex whenever I want it. And it’s fucking good sex. I really like her personality… at times. One side of her is sweet, with a really good sense of humor. She and I have a lot in common; we both love sports and have the same taste in music and movies (she’d rather watch Caddyshack than something like The Notebook or other generic chick flicks that I’d dislike having to sit through), it’s always easy to make conversation, and we both can make each other really happy. She’s easily the best girl I’ve ever been with when she’s like that.

But?

But… she’s an emotional mess at times. She’s a bipolar schizophrenic with a terrible history of abusive boyfriends, mother, and stepfathers, and her past really haunts her.

Yikes, stepfathers. Plural. That can’t be good.

She sees things in her mind and I often have to calm her down and stop her from hurting herself. Sometimes she lashes out at me for something minor when she gets angry, although later on she’ll start sobbing and apologize to me a thousand times hoping I won’t leave her. Obviously, she’s very needy and I am a very patient man and thought I could handle anything when she told me about this, but it’s getting to be a bit much. I really like this girl and perhaps even love her, but her problems make her quite a handful, and the cons clearly outweigh the pros. And yet I really care for her and I keep thinking that if I leave her who knows what she’ll do to herself. What do you think is the best thing to do in this situation?
- C.C.

One word: THERAPY. Therapy for her, and maybe couples therapy for the both of yas. You can’t — and shouldn’t — be the sole anchor tethering her to the world. She seems to recognize that she has problems, which means should be willing to try to get better in order to be a better girlfriend to you. And most importantly, you should want to stay with her because you very much like/maybe love her — not because you’re afraid she’ll slit her wrists if you leave. A relationship should be two people working together for mutual happiness, not one person carrying the other through life.

And while I think you should give therapy a go and try to help her improve her mental state, I’ll also reiterate a common refrain in the mailbag: just because you’re in love with someone does not mean that they’re the right person for you.

**********

Cap’n-
A question on sexy time, Polyamory edition: About three months ago, I started dating a wonderful woman. We get along fabulously, share plenty of common interests, and the sex is fantastic. Moreover, we’re both busy, strong-willed, independent people in our late twenties, so there’s little danger of us turning into that annoying (and, in my humble opinion, patently unhealthy) couple that has to do absolutely everything together. In short, these few months have been excellent. Last week, she informed me that she has been seeing someone else.

That’s bad.

I can’t say I found it all that surprising. She’s a knockout, we hadn’t broached the subject of exclusivity, and while I can’t say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind, I’d done a fairly good job of not dwelling on it. She’d left a long relationship in January and so my plan has been to let things develop organically (they have) and, despite an intense desire to girlfriend the hell out of this woman, to give her whatever space and time as she needed (I have) to sort things out. This plan seems to have worked well enough because she went on to tell me that earlier in the day she had ended things with the other party on account of her feelings for me.

That’s good!

She then explains that while she’s quite smitten, she wishes to retain the right to see other people, should the opportunity arise.

That’s bad.

Now, the last thing I am is puritanical about people’s sex lives, provided they are always honest with their partners. Also, my life over the past few years — I had an engagement go to shit and, until the lady in question, hadn’t come across anyone with whom I felt at ease — could best be described as polyamorous, so telling her that I find this arrangement unacceptable smacks of hypocrisy, does it not? The trouble is, having this conversation with her has rendered clear what should have been blindingly conspicuous: the notion of her with another man has evolved from ignored possibility, to mild irritant, to unacceptable certainty. And now I have this sinking feeling that just as I’m exiting a phase of my life that, while great fun, had grown rather vacant and unfulfilling, she, a serial monogamist for many years, is just getting started. I’m not interested in exercising some reptilian-brained impulse and throwing down the gauntlet of, “It’s either me or the greater New York Metro Area. Pick.” And she needs to do what she thinks will make her happy. To that end, I suppose my question is this: Do I continue to see this woman in hopes that, just as with her kicking the “other guy” to the curb, her feelings for me prompt her to realize that we’re good together, have a great shot at making each other pretty damn happy, and it’s worth pursuing in the exclusive manner I would prefer? For what it’s worth, our discussion of exclusivity last week did have a recognizable “I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet” ring to it. Or, am I just bullshitting myself into believing I’m not the next “other guy” in-the-making?

Ahhhh, I like it when mailbag questions come together in a common theme: it sounds to me like she found the right guy at the wrong time.

Me, I’d rather bite the bullet and take a loss like a man than live with conditions I find unacceptable, and it sounds to me like you feel the same way. I’d say something along the lines of, “Hey, I’m really into you, and as much as I wanted to take things slow and let them develop organically, I’m really only interested in a monogamous relationship with you. So if you have to date other people, I understand — but I don’t want to be with you unless I’m ONLY with you, and vice versa.” Maybe showing that kind of backbone will make her commit to you, or maybe you’re not going to like the decision she makes. But that allows you to at least know that you followed your heart and your conscience in speaking honestly. It’s better to sleep alone than to lay awake next to someone, wondering who might have been there the night before.

On FF: Professional football is pretty much the only entity about which I am relentlessly superstitious. During the lockout this has manifested itself as a deep and powerful reluctance to talk about anything related to the NFL. In lieu of a fantasy question, I give you a picture of Alison Bree that you’ve probably seen 100 times. Were there any way that any picture of Alison Bree could ever get old, I would apologize for the repetition.
Thanks, Sean

First of all, it’s Alison Brie, not Bree. It’s important to be respectful in our celebrity obsessions. But thank you: you’re quite correct that Alison Brie pictures never get old, and I appreciate you sending such a nice high-res image (you can click it for the larger version).

Speaking of high-res Alison Brie images, you can see her and “Community” co-star Gillian Jacobs S&M-ing it in lingerie up here. Today is a good day.

Welcome to another installment of the mailbag. If this one feels a little bit longer than usual, that’s because it is. I hope the extra emails were worth the wait. Some of the topics you’ll find below: drafting players you hate, clingy girlfriends, erectile dysfunction, inexperienced 32-year-old women, Calvin Johnson, friends with benefits, pirates, porn, pirate porn, and adulterous interracial sex. Enjoy.

Dear KSK,
Fantasy: What are you feelings on drafting players that you hate. For example, I will never, ever draft a Steelers player because 1.) I HATE the Steelers (Ravens fan here), and 2.) Their fanbase is absolutely intolerable.

I understand where you’re coming from, because I hate the Steelers more than any other team in in sports. I would root for a soccer team from Nazi Germany before the Steelers.

But that wouldn’t stop me from drafting Mike Wallace. That dude’s fucking good.

Not drafting players because you hate a team has the same disadvantage of being a homer and drafting players from your favorite team: it allows other owners in your league to benefit from your biases. And while I would never make a Steeler or a Colt the centerpiece of my fantasy team, I’m not going to ignore Wallace or whichever white tight end is playing for the Colts if they fall to me. It can take the edge off those teams doing well (“Ugh, the Steelers won again? Oh well, at least Wallace got me 11 points”), and if they get injured, GREAT! You didn’t want that asshole on your team anyway.

Sex: More of a relationship question here. How can you get some space from a girlfriend without absolutely insulting her and/or ruining the relationship?

Date a girl with a strong sense of identity and lots of friends.

My girlfriend of two years (we’re both 25 years old) wants to spend pretty much every night together. I love her very much and see this relationship going places but I need my space. I’ve tried talking to her about this but it doesn’t really go anywhere; she says all the right stuff “Oh I understand, I don’t want to crowd you etc…” but within two days, she’s all over my shit again. To make matters worse, none of my friends have girlfriends so they go out frequently and go on fun road trips and do stuff that I generally can’t partake in without having to deal with my girlfriend. I’m not asking to do that every weekend, but I need some time to just hang out with the guys and get stupid drunk and let loose every now and then. However, she doesn’t have too many friends, so if I do that, it means that she will be sitting on home doing nothing. Then I’m in for 3 weeks of guilt tripping. Do I just need to suck it up and realize that this is what happens as we get older and get in more serious relationships? Or is she being ridiculous and I need to either lay down the law?

And yes, I wear camo-pants to every Ravens game – I’m one of those guys.
Thanks for the help,
-Purple Camo

Your desires are completely reasonable and rational, and while I wouldn’t call it “laying down the law,” you need to be more forceful about creating space so that you can maintain your friendships and your sense of self. Granted, part of being in a relationship is giving up some freedom and the time you spend with the guys (which is generally worth it for the sex and intimacy you get from your girl), but there needs to be a happy medium.

A couple in a relationship shouldn’t be a set of Siamese twins that dies when separated. It should be two individuals whose personalities bring out the best in the other person. There should be a lot of trust and encouragement and a desire to make the other person happy — even if that means spending time apart. If your girlfriend would encourage you to spend time with your friends (so she can go shopping with friends or whatever girls do), you might find that you actually miss her when you’re hanging out with the boys. Sounds gross, right? That’s love.

I’m sure your girlfriend is great in many regards, but why doesn’t she have a desire to have her own social circle? Are you really so awesome that she has to spend seven days a week with you?

Spoiler alert: you are not that awesome. She’s needy and codependent. If a night out with the guys equals three weeks of guilt tripping, how do you think that will get better if the relationship “goes places”? Do you honestly think she’ll give you more space if she moves in or you get engaged? Make changes in your relationship now, because they sure as hell won’t go into effect later.

**********

Dear KSK,
So sex right off the bat, I have erectile dysfunction. Problem is it is only with my girlfriend. I’m 27 and dating a 32 year old woman. In her history she had two sexual partners before me. To demonstrate how innocent she is, she never gave a blow job until she met me. This woman is from a traditional Asian culture and prior to me it was all lights off, sex under the sheets, guy leaves and does not spend the night kind of thing. Before me she’d never been fully naked with a guy or slept over. With me is she trying to be more bold, but is slow going. Lots of issues with getting naked, with me looking at her nude body and things like that. We can be making out, I brush a hand over her breast and she pulls back and grabs the sheets to cover herself.

In bed she is very nervous, sometimes a little childish and basically reminds me if an insecure virgin. It kills my boner, mentally I can go from “this is hot” to “holy shit I’m screwing an innocent teenager” in no time at all. My boner dies and the mood dies with it. In turn this messes with her, gives her body image issues and makes her even more nervous next time. I pick up she’s nervous and the cycle rolls on.

Also I’m back on condoms with this girl and I’m wearing them for the first time in four years. That isn’t helping either.

So far the best advice anyone has been able to give me is to dope myself on Viagra and power through it. They figure after a few times she’ll stop being nervous and everything will work. Your advice is appreciated.

Allow me to sum up what you just wrote: “I’m dating someone who’s so terrible at sex that she doesn’t even arouse me.”

My question to you is, why do you want to date someone who doesn’t get you hard? Why is it your job to teach this 32-year-old woman how to have sex like a normal person? I was a college senior when I felt I was too old to coach someone through a blowjob, I damn sure wouldn’t do it at 27. Let her be someone else’s terrible lay.

That may sound cold (or maybe just practical), but consider the source: you’re getting advice from someone values sex as a vital building block of a relationship. If this girl is really awesome and you think it’s worth the effort of teaching her, the only way she’s going to feel comfortable enough for you to maintain an erection is with a lot of frank talk, open communication, and baby steps in physical intimacy. Sounds miserable to me, but I suppose it could be worth it for the right Asian snatch.

Fantasy football. Should I shop Calvin Johnson around? Detroit is starting to become legit and when Stafford is healthy (aka the preseason) it seems like a good setup on paper. I’m worried though that Stafford will be injured again and Johnson will underproduce as Detroit raids the depth chart. I’m tempted to trade Johnson for a lesser receiver with a more consistent QB and a draft pick. Good move or boneheaded?
Sincerely,
Can’t get it up

Matt Stafford played only two regular season games last year — a Week 8 win over the Redskins, and a Week 9 OT loss to the Jets. Against Washington, Johnson had his best fantasy game of the year: 9 catches for 101 yards and three touchdowns. Against the Jets, his worst: 1 catch for 13 yards on Revis Island (Stafford still managed a 94.7 rating that game, with two passing TDs, a rush TD, and no INTs).

Minus those two games, Johnson caught 67 passes for 1006 yards and nine touchdowns (should have been ten *cough* Chicago! *cough*) in 13 games — he didn’t play Week 17. Assuming standard scoring in a non-PPR league, that’s an average of… Goddammit, I can’t believe I’m doing math for this stupid column… 11.9 fantasy points per game. That’s pretty fucking good with a backup quarterback. Considering that Stafford is likely to play more than two games this year (and that the Lions don’t play the Jets), it would be my assumption that Johnson will have better numbers in 2011.

That said, it’s not necessarily a bad move to trade Johnson, especially if your roster lacks depth. Generally speaking, I’d rather have two solid performers than one great player. (That’s probably why I always make the playoffs but never win the championship.)

**********

Hiya,
One of those rare and endangered female readers here. Love the site, can feed my football addiction and my morbid curiosity about what guys talk about in the locker room at the same time. Sooooo, thanks for that.

Fantasy: No question. I have expended all available football energy on stressing about there being a season and, if so, what is going to happen to my boyfriend Nnamdi.

Sex question: I have been dating an awesome guy for 4 or so months now. “Dating” might be an overstatement; we have (great) sex, we drink cheap wine, we watch Civil War documentaries. It’s fantastic, and we get on like a house on fire. He’s a coworker and we’re trying to keep it on the DL (I know, I know, shit, eat. Generally good advice, but that ship has sailed.) so we don’t go out a lot. It’s been very casual, not a lot of talk about emotions or shit like that. Which suited me peachy at first, but lately I’ve been wondering where we stand. I’m not much for talk about feelings, but I’d like to know if he sees this progressing somewhere more serious or if we’re just, ahem, having a good time. So my question, oh wise man of cave, is how does one ask that question without having that horrible and depressing “relationship” talk?

Sincerely,
Token Vagina

Nope, can’t be done. Most men can live under a friends with benefits arrangement until the end of time, because it involves our two favorite things: fucking and not talking about our feelings. Women don’t operate that way. They can try to be friends with benefits, but it only ever lasts three to six months before the coolness cracks and the emotions take over. Bear witness, Internet: Token Vagina is a cool woman. She likes pro football and cheap wine and Civil War documentaries and casually fucking her co-workers. And yet even she cannot sustain the FWB relationship.

That said, there’s nothing wrong with having the “horrible and depressing” relationship talk. Men may prefer no-strings sex, but only the most lunk-headed cads would expect a woman to perpetually be standing by with a bottle of two-buck Chuck and a tube of lube. It seems like you and this guy get along well, so I’d approach him with an acknowledgment of what it is. “Hey, I love spending time with you and I think we’re really good together, but as a woman I need to know if this is going to go anywhere.” Then point to your ovaries and say, “These babies runs the show, you know.” Okay, maybe that’s too much, but the gist is this: a frank discussion allows you to either have a relationship or make a clean break.

The path I don’t recommend is a much more established procedure among bad female stereotypes: slowly trap him into a relationship. Leave hair ties at his place. Keep a toothbrush there. Whine about how the two of you never go out and do anything fun. That way, he’ll totally do things for you to make you shut up! He’ll grow to despise you, but it will definitely be a relationship. Girl power!

**********

Dear Caveman,
My husband and I occasionally enjoy viewing adult DVDs. We have not seen any big budget adult films since Pirates and have no idea what or where to look for new films.

Wait, Pirates? Like Pirates of the Caribbean?

/Googles “pirates”

/Pittsburgh Pirates

/Piracy

/Pirates of the Caribbean

/Googles “pirates XXX”

Ohhhhhh, PIRATES, starring Jesse Jane, Teagan Presley, and Jenaveve Jolie. Of course. How could I forget?

Can you suggest some titles and trustworthy sites where we can get them? The only things we won’t watch are S & M, beastiality.

Why can no one spell “bestiality” correctly? Is that a good thing or a bad thing? Here’s a mnemonic device for horsefuckers and regular people alike: “Anything worth having sex with is no beast, so give bestiality your best effort.” Not my finest work, I admit, but it’ll do in a pinch.

As for porn titles, I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve actually watched a real porn movie with multiple scenes in years. Why not just look up the nominees of the most recent AVN Awards? Monster Cock Junkies sounds pretty good.

In your opinion, what do you think the probability of actually having an NFL season is this year?
Thank you,
T

My opinion has no bearing on whether the season happens or not, and is less informed than Peter King’s. But since you asked: I’m confident there will be a season because there’s too much money to be made. However, at this point I’ve heard too many rumblings about losing 2-4 weeks of games to think that it will be a 16-game season.

**********

Dear Masters of (I’ve got nothing):

First off, football: So the other day, I caught myself watching a firefighters vs. police officers football game on public access. Is this what I will be subjected to if this damn lockout continues?

No, you just need a better cable package. The rest of us will get by on college football, UFL, and old games on NFL Network.

Now, the sex (or the impending lack thereof): Okay. This girl and I had been dating for a few months now. Not every day, but we were talking every day and saw each other every so often. We went to events together, ballgames, movies, etc. Things have been going great and I really started liking this girl. I mean, we did some physical things, the whole “I really like being with you” stuff being said, she gave me the whole “You’re the perfect guy” stuff.

“we did some physical things” — Thank you for such vivid details. It’s like I’m watching your story on film.

This past Friday, she told me she was going to St. Louis with her friends on Saturday. I told her to have a great time and just be safe. We didn’t talk all day, I figured she was having fun with her friends, no biggie. Later in the evening, she texts me the following:

“I really like you. But I’ve been seeing someone else, and I know sometimes he doesn’t treat me right, but I really like him a lot. He was in my life before you and believe me I wish I had met you before him. I really like you, but please don’t be mad at me because I always felt that we had a strong friendship”

So naturally, I start thinking of all the things we did, the stuff that was said (see above), the time that I had invested, etc. And of course, I’m pissed. At the time, I was out with my brother and a friend, I started yelling at them and throwing glasses (all stupid stuff, I know, but I lost my temper). The next day, I apologized to my brother and friend and explained what happened, they were cool.

Later that day, at around 5 pm, she texts me: “Are you mad at me?”

Now, I could have gone off on her and told her the truth, but instead I told her I wasn’t angry and that if she really wanted to be with the other guy, that I wish her the best of luck. She asked if we could still be friends, and I said yes.

So she dicked you over by seeing someone else behind your back, and you lied to her so she can feel better about it? A daring power play, sir.

We did have plans on going to the Cubs vs. Sox series in July, but today she called me and said she had problems getting the tickets and kept on saying that if she couldn’t get the tickets, she’d give me my money back, but if I wanted to wait, she might have them by the weekend. I told her to just give me my money back because I didn’t want to wait until the last minute. She stopped talking, and said “okay” then hung up on me.

I’m pretty much ready to not talk to this girl again based on what she said to me on Saturday and how she reacted to me asking for my money back for the Cubs tickets. My train of thought is that she was stringing me along and being selfish for the sake of having another man’s attention, and now that I won’t give her that attention, she has no reason to talk to me.

I guess my questions to you guys are the following:

1. Should I still be upset?
2. Was it okay for me to tell her we’d still be friends?
3. Am I wrong with my train of thought?
4. Should I have asked for my money back for my ticket (I’m a yes on this, but I really wanted to go to that series)?

Answers/suggestions/comments/criticisms are all welcome, believe me, I do feel shitty at this moment, but I just had to vent.

Thanks!

You’ve got it all figured out, you just want validation from KSK and the commenters. You know, I excluded a couple other emails from the mailbag without realizing that this one was just a mental exercise for you. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pass on your obvious questions. My apologies to those submissions that didn’t get included this week.

**********

Dear KSK,
It’s offseason and I’m an average fantasy football player anyway. This submission is about sex. Specifically, adulterous interracial sex.

WOO-HOO! Interesting email!

I work in a professional setting in lower Manhattan

Are you in finance? Because “professional setting in lower Manhattan” has the familiar humblebrag ring of “a little college just outside Boston.”

and met my ideal woman in the store where she works today. She assisted me with a purchase for about half an hour during which there was some light flirting only, as my wife’s younger brother was with me. When she rang up the purchase, which included giving her my address, email and cell number, I joked to him that we would keep a stool open for her while we were at the bar next door. She laughed it off, as she undoubtedly gets hits on much harder than that all day, and we left.

I was back at my desk within 20 minutes when my cell rang. It was her, asking if I was still at the bar. I was stunned. I told her no, but that I damn sure would be within five minutes. She met me there, had a quick drink, and basically made her intentions plain. She’s in the process of a divorce, has a boyfriend, and is evidently not put off by the ring on my finger. She wants to get together within the next few days and go from there. I haven’t cheated before but I’m extremely tempted.

I’ve read this site since 2006 and am familiar with commenters’ responses on this issue. I have joined in vociferously, but without the benefit of having been in this position before. I acknowledge it’s somewhat odd to solicit advice from a single guy on an issue that is really only within the purview of married men, but I already asked my two best friends, and they both told me to fire away and give them details.

Do they also work in finance? Because that would explain a lot.

I admit, I want to do it, but I’m obviously still on the fence. Criticize me scathingly if you will, but I have done the same, until I was put in this position. Now I’m not so sure. I tell you, she is literally my ideal woman. Everyone in the store just stopped and gaped at her beauty and shape. Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks,
Anonymous

PS: Oh right, the interracial stuff. I’m white, my wife and kids are black, and so is the new chick.

Preemptively discounting my advice because I’m unmarried is shaky logic. I’ve had my share of girlfriends, and I’ve had opportunities to cheat on some of them — with women I found very attractive, mind you. In most cases, I turned down those opportunities, and it felt good. I mean, sure, my dick was unhappy, but the next day I felt like a decent human being. On the few occasions that I wasn’t faithful, I felt awful — like there was something heavy lodged deep in my chest. There was a time when I cheated on a girlfriend I didn’t even like and I still felt like shit.

And I don’t even have kids! It’s one thing to cheat on your wife, because adults can be real assholes, even to people they love. But to gamble your kids — seeing them every day, helping them grow into people — on a piece of pussy? I don’t know, man. Those stakes are too high for me.

But this isn’t about me. Let’s talk about you, and we’ll use your own logic. In the past, you’ve scolded people who cheated or wanted to cheat, presumably because you felt it was wrong to lie and break one’s vows. And now you’re reconsidering your position on adultery, as far as I can tell, because you stand to have sex with a hot woman. Your moral about-face is predicated on “But this is different because it’s me about to get laid. And she’s, like, way hot.” Your sliding scale of morality speaks for itself. I suspect the person who married your wife would be disappointed in you.

[Images via retrozone (NSFW) and nevver]

I won’t lie to you. Not every mailbag is a winner. But sometimes, we don’t get a lot of submissions. And, you know, it’s not every week where someone’s ex-girlfriend gets murdered. But I try to do my best with what I’m given, and there are some moderately interesting topics raised this week, so please: read on. I just don’t want to oversell anything.

We start things off this week with a positively THRILLING discussion about grammar. This is an actual email exchange, and not my usual style of interrupting a single narrative.

Caveman,
I appreciate your grammar Nazism, as it’s sorely needed and probably not oft received among the core KSK readership. On that note, however, I wanted to amend your comment last week [actually, it was two weeks ago - Ed.] about how one should never use an apostrophe to pluralize. Using an apostrophe is actually the traditional correct way to pluralize acronyms (however, there is debate on this topic). For example, the correct plural of ATM is ATM’s.

That’s all. No fantasy or sex questions for now.

Disagree. ATMs is smoother, cleaner and impossible to confuse as the possessive. “This ATM’s screen is cracked.”

The one true exception — which, in fairness, I didn’t mention in the previous mailbag — is individual letters. “How many S’s are in ‘Mississippi’?”

Well I’m not gonna get into a slappy bitch-fight over this, but I’m just telling you that the style guides I’ve been required to use in school and now professionally (I’m a lawyer, insert offensive remark here, though as a Vikings fan it’s very difficult to hurt me) all mandate apostrophes when pluralizing acronyms. That wikipedia article I linked to says one can go both ways.

I personally agree with you that it makes more sense to not use apostrophes, for the reasons you stated, but it also makes more sense to not put two spaces after periods (especially if you want to avoid the wrath of Slate’s Farhad Manjoo), yet the firm I work for requires it anyway.

Carry on.

The fact that the firm you work for requires two spaces after sentences should effectively negate any argument that what they mandate is correct or accepted, since two spaces is redundant in this brave new world of intelligent typefaces.

There will always be small differences in style guides — should TV shows be in italics or quotes? — but in trivial matters like this I go to the single most important quote from Strunk & White: “Clarity, clarity, clarity.” I save my apostrophes for the possessive, and my readers will never be confused by their use.

**********

That was fun, right? Now let’s talk sex and football.

Greetings oh Purveyor of Fabricated Football,
Football: I really just have to say how disappointed I am that Jordan Gross and Seattle’s 12th Man were eliminated in the first round of the online Madden bracket. That would have been fucking perfect if either had won.

Could you imagine the Madden Curse for a group of 67,000 fans in attendance? Would the crowds just be quieter all season? Would Qwest stop selling out? Would every season ticket holder suffer a freak knee injury? Or would it be something more disastrous, like the upper deck collapsing in the middle of a game? Frankly, I’m intrigued.

Onto Sex: I had been dating a girl from my school for the last two years. I’m a senior about to graduate. She’s a sophomore, and she’s going to be transferring to an art school five hours from me in the fall. She was supposed to transfer this semester, but she stayed, to be close to me, even though I told her at the time to follow her heart and not make this mistake- I’ve seen it blow up in people’s faces before.

Soooo… you’re talking about college, yes? I figure a sophomore in high school wouldn’t transfer to an art school.

Anyway, the relationship was great, even though at times I began to take her for granted. We broke up about a month ago to “take a break” because she needed some “time to work on herself.” I stupidly agreed. Last week, I realized that I wanted to get back really badly, and we decided to try that. Long story short, a week in, she goes out clubbing with her friends, hooks up with a guy, and I find out. I trusted her completely before this.

I’m sorry, but this is all so shocking to me — the break, the on-again/off-again thing, the cheating. I’ve just never seen anything like it between college students. Oh, except for EVERY DAY WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

The problem I have is how should I handle this? This has happened to me twice before, but the relationships have never been as good as this one. I can overlook this drunken mistake, but she says she can’t be in a relationship right now, and she doesn’t want to be with me.

I’m going to cut and paste the last sentence you wrote, just to make sure you read it again: “I can overlook this drunken mistake, but she says she can’t be in a relationship right now, and she doesn’t want to be with me.”

We’re kind of being friends right now but she’s not enthusiastic about it. I really want to be friends and win her back even though I know I’m being a little bitch.

You’re trolling me, right? I refuse to believe that a senior in college can be this naive.

I’ve been to hell and back with this girl.

Unless you’ve bought a house together or suffered a rash of family deaths or she wrote you letters while you were serving in Afghanistan or you got her pregnant and she lost the baby: No. You have NOT been to hell and back. You dated for two years in college.

(If you have gone through something that traumatic, however, I offer my condolences.)

I think there’s a chance I could make some sort of long-distance relationship work

Nope.

over the summer

Double nope.

(it’s only a five hour drive).

…and there’s the hat trick.

Should I stay friends in the off chance it could lead to us back together? Or should I just completely break ties?
-Suffering from Bitch Dependency

First of all, SBD, I get the feeling that this is an email about a fake situation crafted to get a rise out of me. However, if this is indeed serious, I’m very sorry. It can’t be easy to go through life as a complete and utter moron.

Pull your head out of your ass. She said she doesn’t want to be with you, she cheated on you as a way to intentionally hurt you, and she’s not enthusiastic about being your friend. What else do you need to get the message? An aerial banner flown across the state fair? A shovel to the head? Preserve some of your dignity and cut the cord.

**********

Hey Captain,
Football: I’m a Bengals fan and now not only have to deal with the lock-out but also the complete and utter lack of a QB. Mike Brown is a terrible, terrible person.

I dunno. Chad Ochocinco says that Carson’s not going anywhere. And when has Chad ever been wrong about anything?

Sex: I’ve been going to school (college and law school) out of state for the past 7 years and, as a result, have been very hesitant to start very many serious relationships.

I’m just going to stop you right there and point out your egregiously faulty reasoning. “Well, I’m only here in college for four years. I don’t want to get attached to anyone.” Good call on that one. People never meet their future spouse in college or law school.

A guy I knew from high school, who was a year younger than I, and I started hanging out again a few years ago and hooking up over school breaks. He recently moved back to my hometown for graduate school and has provided us with a place to get together in town now when I go home. Initially, the sessions consisted mainly of blow jobs and heavy petting due to my inexperience. However, any attempts on my part to move things further have been fruitless. The few times I asked, he made up excuses, mainly saying that he didn’t have any condoms.

Because he didn’t want to have sex with you.

This past break, after having gained more experience while up at school, I brought condoms myself to preclude him from his normal excuses. It was then that he informed me that he “only has sex with people he dates.”

Awww, what a gentleman!

Mind you, this most recent meeting occurred after he sent me pictures of his penis and had been sexting me for a while. When I asked for him to help me out or reciprocate at the very least, I was informed that he also only does that with people he dates and doesn’t consider himself very good at it anyways.

Seriously. He’s like if Prince Charming was a knight of the Round Table.

Needless to say, I left him high and dry and hightailed it out of there. As I was getting dressed, he then proceeded to ask me what my plans were for the remaining few days of break and even texted me later on that week.

I wasn’t looking for a commitment and have never even broached the subject but am writing in because I will be moving back to my hometown for good in a month and a half. While I will be devoting most of my time this summer to taking the bar exam, I would not be opposed to dating this guy if that’s really where he wants to take it. However, given the fact that we rarely speak when I’m out of town/not available to help him out, I have a feeling that his latest bullshit excuse wasn’t an expression of his desire for more. He’s aware that I’ll be moving back at the end of May and was when he gave that excuse. I’m really attracted to this guy and was just hoping to have some fun – what’s going on here?
Thanks,
Sexually Frustrated

Good Lord, I wish it was 1955 and you were in my living room, because I would slap some sense into you.

One day, after you’ve had some ACTUAL sexual experience with REAL MEN who, I don’t know, show you even the slightest modicum of courtesy in bed, you’ll look back on this email and say, “Holy shit, I was a truly naive jackass who should have dated people while I was in college.”

In all seriousness: this guy has no interest in you beyond your mouth on his dick. You’re nothing to him. Tell him to fuck off.

**********

Dear Asshat,
FF: 10-team league going on 6 years old. I play in a couple leagues and this one has by far the most conservative scoring system. No return yards, no bonuses of any kind, and we don’t even use a flex player. As the commissioner, I try to campaign for a few rules changes every year, and they always get shot down. Not having a flex player really limits the chances an owner is willing to take when setting his/her (hopefully his) lineup each week when starting the traditional lineup of 3WR-2RB-TE-QB-D/ST. How can I convince them a flex guy would be a welcome addition, even on a temporary basis?

With only ten people in a league, it would make more sense to have an extra position so that you mine the full depth of active fantasy players. But I’d ease your league into that.

Here’s what I’d do: three weeks before the draft, send an email to your league letting them know that one of the three WR positions is now a RB/WR/TE flex position. Just make the change. I honestly don’t think people will quit their fantasy league of six years for such a small tweak. People love to bitch about change, but when push comes to shove, they fall in line and accept things the way they are. (SEE ALSO: any change to any blog ever. “Oh no! You’ve changed the commenting section! I hate it!”)

Sex: I recently starting going to a new dentist. He’s a younger guy, early 30s (I’m late 20′s), has very modern office and equipment – by far the best dentist I’ve ever visited.

…and you want a different tool of his in your mouth?

He also has two very attractive hygenists, one of whom I have seen on all three visits and we have a pretty friendly rapport for only seeing someone every six months.

Oh. You went a different direction there. Well if you don’t want to fuck your dentist, don’t talk him up like that.

Through some facebook stalking she doesn’t appear to be in a serious relationship. Is it worth trying to ask this girl out? If I crash and burn, I would probably hate going to this dentist I really love, and even if I still kept going, it could be awkward. What say you?
-Big Book of British Smiles

Do a little cost-benefit analysis: is it worth a brief awkward exchange once every six months — if she’s working — for the chance to see her naked? I’d say that it is — it’s not like we’re talking about asking out the bartender at your favorite bar. Hell, if you don’t want to ask her out while she’s at work, you could even ask her out via Facebook message. It’s a little untraditional, but if you keep it simple, honest, and not creepy, I think it would be okay. Something like this: “Hey, sorry to hit you up over Facebook, but I didn’t want to bother you at work or wait another six months to see you again. Can I buy you a drink some time?”

**********

Geez! Sushi Stink (anagram for Kissing the Suze!),

Football first,
Where would you evaluate OchoCinco next year? You know he’s not going to do a single thing for the first three weeks, will go off for about 2 or 3 goals in the fourth game, and someone will offer high for him in trade…so I think, a washed up Henry and Ochocinco for a future 3rd might do it, so he’s a 7th or 8th round flyer at best. My question is how much does the MLS suck?

I assume by your muddled array of questions you mean Thierry Henry, and not Chris Henry. Calling Chris Henry “washed up” would be a little too callous, even for me.

If you’re looking for someone to validate your negative opionion about soccer, you’re asking the wrong person. Soccer is my back-up sport after the NFL, and my favorite team to root for after the Seahawks is the men’s national team. MLS still has a long way to go — hell, soccer in general is still another generation away from true acceptance in the American sportscape — but the league is growing, and it’s being pretty smart about developing rivalries and fan bases. I’m not a fan of MLS, but its development is crucial to American soccer on the international level; thus, I have a vested interest in its success.

And even though I love soccer, it has no place in this mailbag. Keep it to fantasy football, please.

Rant second,
I’m not even going to hide the fact that this is a rant and disguise it as a question like everyone else does, but some comments on the validity of what I’m saying would be most appreciated.

What follows is a long, rambling, and not particularly interesting discussion of long-distance relationships in general and his own LDR in particular. I’ve done you all the favor of cutting it out and skipping to the end.

…Is this all rational?

All the best,

‘Glad neither of us have to suffer in Cleveland’

All the best to you, sir. Keep in mind that a long-distance relationship is never supposed to be a permanent thing. Skyping with your significant other is not a building block for what will become a loving marriage — it’s only a placeholder until you can be together. If there’s no plan to ever be in the same locale, then you’re basically just treading water: you get tired of going nowhere, your muscles give out, and you drown.

Before we get into today’s mailbag — which is a good one, I think — I wanted to address the USC roof-sex scandal that’s been going on this week. Apparently, a member of USC’s Kappa Sigma chapter was suspended from the fraternity after being photographed having sex on the roof of a dorm. As proof that the media is way too sensitive any time the word “fraternity” appears, here’s what Nerve said:

According to the Daily Trojan (no condom jokes in this piece), a meeting between the Interfraternity Council and Panhellenic Council of USC will take place to determine what steps should be taken in response to the incident. One can only hope that this was at least consensual, and not part of some sick hazing ritual, like we’ve been seeing lately.

“Well, someone in a fraternity had sex, so we’ll just have to hope it wasn’t rape. No no no, we don’t want to see all the different photos of them having obviously consensual sex; better to assume that this was a hazing ritual.”

I’m not going to pretend to have all the facts here; the only rush to judgment I’m going to make is that that dude must work out. But I’ll say this: rooftop sex is GREAT. You get plenty of fresh air, maybe a nice breeze on your balls, and there’s a great view of all these people NOT having sex. You feel like a king. I recommend it to anyone, and if Nerve or anyone else has a problem with that, they can go get screwed on a roof.

On to your questions.

Dear Captain of the Clunge,
No real football question to speak of. I suppose I could ask about the chances of Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning ever getting over the hump, but I’ve resigned myself to mediocrity.

Manning just habitually overthrows his receivers. His Super Bowl MVP-winning play — the Giant Snatch — was an overthrow to David Tyree. The receiver Manning has had the best chemistry with? Plaxico Burress, because he’s 6’6″ with long arms to catch Manning’s overthrows. Manning isn’t bad, but it seems like he’s never going to get past chucking it over his receivers’ heads.

But on to the sex: This is, I guess, one of those “good” questions. I’m in college, and have been hooking up pretty regularly with a fun, attractive girl. It’s not particularly serious, and we don’t really hang out, outside of the sexing, but we get along pretty well, and for all intents and purposes, it’s exclusive. Anyway, recently we started talking about fantasies. I went for the old standby of threesome (anal not having all too much appeal), and she told me that her biggest fantasy is to be tied up (though she is totally down for the threesome). I don’t have any experience in the area and while I don’t think it’s anything I would ask to do, I can see some light bondage being fun. My question is, do you have any advice about how to do that? Like, what to buy and what to do? I don’t feel like buying a book on the subject, and my brief look at the web shows mostly advice for really intense shit. Any advice would be welcome.
Sincerely,
College Is Awesome

There’s no need to go out and buy fuzzy handcuffs just yet — you can start with scarves or a couple of silk ties. You can tie each wrist to a bed post individually, but I recommend tying her wrists together, then tying that bond to a single post or the headboard. That way you can flip her over while you have your way with her.

Also, even though you’re only taking the first step with a little light bondage, it’s probably wise to agree on a safe word beforehand.

**********

Sir,
FF: Last season, I made the fatal flaw of inviting my (then) GF into playing my “fun” league, just for her to get a feel of how to play. I gave her some pre-draft advice, but mostly left her to her own devices. Inexplicably, she went 7-0 to start the season, and I ended up losing to her in the 3rd place game. What’s the best way to exact fantasy football revenge? Killing pre-draft help is a given. We’re friendly, but not to the point of me being able to trash-talk her teams (despite her being a dirty Pittsburgh fan; QED.) She’s a good friend, football smart, but I have this overwhelming urge to call upon the FF gods for smiting.

“Living well is the best revenge.” I suggest studying hard for your draft.

Sex, preparation in the making of: Since last week’s ‘bag read like a Coen Bros. script, here’s a softball for you: a while back, you made reference to a time where a man nears thirty and no longer sees the benefit of bachelor furniture, feels the body begin the descent into middle age, and generally focuses more on fully fleshing out what kind of man they want to be. I agree, and can currently identify with that stage. Specifically, my question focuses on a good gym routine. I’ve done a bit of research, checked out some of the DVD routines offered on late night TV (kinda crap), but haven’t found any good consensus. I’m an average weight (180) for my height (6’2″), just with poor definition. The best reason I’ve ever heard to go to the gym was once said by a friend of mine: “I only go to look good naked.” Any advice for building a good lifting/cardio/general health routine?
Thank you.
-MI

Well, now that you’re growing out of young adulthood and into “grown man” territory, it’s time to ditch that “I only go to look good naked” attitude. If you look at exercise as a chore, it willfeel like a chore — and thus will eventually get ignored. But if you can find a workout regime that you genuinely enjoy, you’ll look forward to exercise as stress relief and a way to invigorate your body and mind.

As anyone who’s seen me in rainbow snakeskin short-shorts knows, I’m a proponent of CrossFit. Now, CrossFit isn’t for everyone, but here’s what I like about it:

• There are group classes, which makes exercising a social activity. I never trudge to the gym and go through the motions of a boring three-mile run on a treadmill because I don’t feel like working out — I show up and there’s a community of people I know who are going to push me to do my best.
• It’s fucking expensive. When I had a regular gym membership, I paid 50 or 60 bucks a month and often ignored it. Now that I’m paying through the nose to stay fit, I never miss a class.
• The workouts are short and intense, which means I only have to invest three hours a week to stay in good shape.

Like I said, CrossFit isn’t for everyone, but there are some touchstones from those bullet points. First, it helps if exercise isn’t a solitary endeavor: whether you take a group class (or something similar like a running club), have a workout partner, or pay for a personal trainer, it’s beneficial to get outside motivation. And second, the fastest way to get better muscle definition is to combine lifting with cardio: the metabolic conditioning from the anaerobic workouts of CrossFit and P90X really hit the sweet spot between muscle growth and fat loss.

The other part of a general health routine — and one that’s less fun for me to talk about — is diet. I’m not going to get into details because I’m not a certified nutritionist, but here are the guidelines for a good diet that most healthy people can agree on: you need a variety of fresh fruits and vegetables, plenty of lean protein, and fewer carbohydrates. Most men I know could probably lose five pounds in three weeks just by giving up beer. The catch, of course, is that the enjoyment of drinking beer is usually worth five extra pounds. It just depends on how much definition you’re looking for.

**********

Cave dude and the KSK Clan,
I know KSK is a football site – but i’m telling you, fantasy baseball with an auction draft is the place to be. Seriously – more difficult/entertaining, its just the way to go. That isn’t a question or even a comment about fantasy football, but take it as you may.

I will happily take it and shove it right up your ass.

Anyways, sex. I was that guy who had girlfriends from basically junior year of high school through a year post-college. Not the same one or even one prevailing one – just went from girl to girl to girl every 6 months/year. It worked fairly well, and i had more sex than i could’ve imagined i would’ve had in high school/college. Anyways, the last one was absolutely batshit crazy, but i dug it. Not in a violent way or anything…just really nuts – an all-around good person with a couple screws loose. Anyways, we broke up about 6 months ago and after like 6+ years of getting laid fairly consistently, I’m kind of stuck in a dry spell that i’ve never experienced before. I realize this is a fairly good problem. But i’ve always been that guy with a girlfriend, and it seemed that new gals would just come out of the woodwork. Now it seems like all the hot/single girls who would be into me have disappeared. To make matters worse, the majority of the women i was with were strictly out of my league – all of them between 7s-9s. The real question is – i’m only 25, but have i lost it? What has changed since the time when ladies wanted me? Am i just still hung up on the crazy chick?

Post script (because i am way too manly to use PS) – i live with 3 very attractive, nearly-engaged girl friends of mine. AND ALL OF THEIR HOT FRIENDS ARE ENGAGED…and its just horse shit, and it makes this entire thing that much more frustrating.
Sincerely,
“When did i turn into a loser?”

I ordinarily write something encouraging here, but I’m afraid I don’t see any sign of hope in this case. You’ve definitely lost it.

I blame fantasy baseball.

**********

Dear Dicklickers,
Fantasy- Are there any guys in the draft to consider for next season? Or is this completely futile without knowing their teams?

Probably, but it’s a pretty pointless thought experiment at this point. Better to wait until you see which players are matched with which systems. We’ve got plenty of time to speculate between the draft and (fingers crossed) Week 1.

Other- I know you always say don’t shit where you eat/dip the pen in company ink, and I have given others the exact same advice….but what about taking a job where my current girlfriend works? This would be a huge step up for me as far as the resume goes, still not sure about pay. She would be a level above me, but we would never work together. I know this isn’t really directly relationship related, but you’ve discussed the co-worker question ad nauseum.
-Office Drone

Well, it’s certainly not ideal, but that seems like just about the best scenario where two people dating could work for the same company.

**********

To Whomever Can Help Me,
I will spare you the fantasy football question as my sex, or lack thereof, questions are several fold.

I had a rough breakup this past summer with a GF of 5 years, since then I have been fortunate enough to find myself in situations where I have had several opportunities to do the deed with some really beautiful gals. However I have found it very difficult to “rise to the occasion” as it were.

/door flies open

Rex Ryan: First order of business: NICKNAMES! Limpdick, your new name is “Flaccido Domingo”!

With some of these ladies I was able to forward the blame onto whiskey dick and never talk to them again, with others they actually were interested in a second round, while sober, where my drinking excuse was obsolete. There is the rare occasion where the first or second time I am able to perform, and once that threshold is crossed, from then on is not a problem. However the majority of gals aren’t willing to endure a half dozen disappointing (although I do my best to orally and/or manually stimulate them) experiences to get to the point where I am functional enough to penetrate.

I am trying to figure out why this is. I am certainly attracted to and want nothing more than to bang these women’s brains out, and in most cases am not nervous/anxious. I just can’t see what kind of mental block is going on that’s preventing me from doing it? This is without doubt one of the more embarassing and humiliating environments one can find themselves in with a member of the opposite sex. I was wondering what to say, whether it be the route of “I prefer to wait a few times to have sex” (false), “It takes some time for me to get used to being with someone for the sex to happen” (true.) Or, if anyone else has dealt with this kind of problem and knows of a safe over the counter kind of remedy (like extenze or one of those things) to get me over the hump as once I am able to actually get an erection from then on it’s not an issue, I would appreciate it.
Long Time Listener First Time Caller,
Sam
Crescent Falls, CA

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the truth: you’ve had a tough breakup, and right now you can’t perform until you’ve gotten comfortable with someone. I’m sure some girls will be disappointed, but I think you’ll see that a lot of women will be more understanding than you expect. If you’re seeking a more immediate and physical solution, then I’d recommend seeing a urologist and getting a prescription for Viagra or something that will help you throw a football through a tire. A good rule of thumb is to never use any over-the-counter dick pill — especially if Jimmy Johnson uses it.

**********

Good afternoon Mr. Ufford,
Football: I’m in a standard Yahoo league of 6 friends from home – as you can imagine, it’s pretty boring with only six teams but none of our other friends care about fantasy football. Where’s a good place to recruit for new members? Since we all know each other, the message board is rife with in-jokes about our shitty hometown, girls from high school got have gotten fat, etc that random internet folks wouldn’t find as guffaw-inducing as we do. We’re all in our mid-to-late 20′s but all live in different areas of the state – I’d ask some of my coworkers but again, I don’t want them to feel left out (and then get bored) with our little man-child community. Open to your suggestions.

Well, you can’t have it both ways. If you want everyone to get your in-jokes from high school, then you’ll have to recruit for your fantasy league at the next high school reunion. Another option — and this is gonna sound crazy — is to maybe stop talking about high school now that you’re a decade or so removed from the experience. That should make it a little easier for your co-workers to mesh with the rest of the league.

Sex: Started dating a girl in September I knew through work. The nature of my job is transient – she worked for one of my clients, and we got to know each other during my time spent in her city. After my contract ended in November, her employer went out of business and I was forced to move back to my ‘home base’ city (two hours away) but we decided to keep the relationship going. We got along great, shared similar political views, were having great sex, her parents love me, etc. She’d come and visit me for a week or two at a time, then I’d go to her for a weekend and we split the Thanksgiving/Christmas holidays at each others respective parents’. Everything is going pretty well but we didn’t see much of each other at all in February and the early part of March, due to scheduling difficulties.

Until she drops the bomb on me two weeks ago that she’s pregnant. And not just “holy shit I’m late and took a test and it’s positive” pregnant – 4.5 months pregnant.

Oof. That is a DAGGER.

Past the point where termination is an option. I’d noticed she had been putting on some weight but didn’t want to be an asshole and ask about it. Since we lived in different cities, I wasn’t exactly tuned into her monthly cycles. She tells me that she had missed her period for a few months but thought it had something to do with her birth control (which she admitted to not taking as regularly as instructed), had no morning sickness and felt fine. She never went to a doctor until a week ago.

No neonatal vitamins and plenty of birth control pills? This is gonna be the healthiest baby ever.

So, Captain Caveman, how the FUCK do I handle this? I’m 25 years old. No assets to speak of other than my car, my shitty one-bedroom apartment, some guitars and moderately sized TV. I’m not ready to be a father. My father was fantastic to my brother and I growing up – couldn’t have had a better role model if you made a computer model of A Great Dad from a Weird Science-type program. However, I am not my father and didn’t really plan on growing into that role for another 5-10 years.

She wants to give the child up for adoption as soon as it’s born and I have no real issue with that. However, she wants to hide the entire situation from her parents and move in with me for the next 4.5 months.

I told her that I would do my best to support her, and that we shouldn’t make any hard and fast decisions for a few weeks while we weigh consequences and think it through. I’m scared, I’m angry, I’m trying not to drink myself to sleep every night. Give me some help, man. I could really use it.
-Blindsided In Bethlehem

I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the woman you’ve been dating for the last six months is a moron. Like, Mississippi-public-school stupid. But the good news is that this mistake doesn’t have to define the rest of your life.

If it helps at all, I understand the sick feeling of terror you have. I won’t get into the details, but it involves an unplanned pregnancy, asking my parents if I could move in with the family I’d accidentally started, and then dealing with the fallout of a miscarriage that led to the collapse of what had been a pretty great relationship. Bad times.

I don’t share that information to garner sympathy, but to let you know that the key to getting rid of that sick feeling in your gut is to ACCEPT THE SITUATION. You want it to be one way, but it’s the other way. When you can say to yourself, “Okay, this thing happened, and I can’t change it” with a certain amount of calmness, you’ll be able to fall asleep without a fifth of booze in your blood.

There are, of course, many other details to address here. First of all, your girlfriend would also benefit from facing up to her mistake: not telling her parents about the pregnancy is an idiotic premise that I would only expect from Hollywood screenwriters. Similarly, I might balk at the notion of her moving in with you. A couple moving in together can experience all kinds of growing pains due to the change in the relationship — now try to imagine that, except instead of a woman moving in, you get the bundle of hormones that owns a woman’s mind during the final four months of pregnancy. Sure, you might feel that that’s the best way to support her through this time, but the stress may likely kill your relationship in the process. Assuming, you know, her being too dumb to realize she’s pregnant hasn’t already made up your mind in that regard.

The bottom line: your situation sucks. In the coming months, you and your girlfriend are going to have to face up to reality and be bluntly honest with yourselves and your families, and it’s not going to be fun. But it could be a lot worse: you’re not being asked to be a father before you feel ready. When all of this is said and done, you should be able to return to the normal life of a single man in his mid-20s — albeit one who’s a little wiser than before.

The lesson, as always, is this: pull out. Even if she’s on birth control, pull out. Had a hysterectomy? Pull out. Post-op male-to-female transsexual? PULL OUT. You can never be too safe — especially when you’re not wearing a condom.

Wow, I had my hands full with this one. This edition of the mailbag doesn’t have many submissions, but the problems that are in here are CRAZY serious. As in, “I spent most of my day fumbling around for decent answers”-serious. You see that banner image? That can be interpreted one of two ways, depending on which email you apply it to. Buckle up, shit’s about to get real.

Caveman,
FF: Prior to this last season, the three previous years I had made the championship of different leagues I was in (winning twice). I was in the leagues as a friend of a friend of the commissioner. All three times, I wasn’t asked back the next year. Everytime it happens I ask my friend who got me in the league what the fuck happened, and all three times it’s been ‘well the commissioner had a friend from high school/dude from college ask to play, so he didn’t really need you this year’. It’s not a huge deal because I’ll usually play in two or three leagues, but still pretty fucked up right? Is there some sort of bro-code on this sort of thing?

I can understand getting bumped for people who are closer friends to other people in the league, but it’s absolutely terrible form to kick out the reigning champion. Since you use the term “bro-code,” I recommend you file a complaint with the Miller Lite Court of Man Law.

Sex: My question is regarding my roommate. He’s a friend from high school, really nice guy, good job, and my ex’s (exii?)

Exes. There is no situation — EVER — in which an apostrophe should be used to make a word plural.

have told me he’s one of my better looking friends. Regardless of this, he dates the anti-christ. Background with her: he dated her for a year or so, broke up for 3 months, then got back together about 6 months ago. She has three things going for her: great rack, pretty face, enjoys anal. To get to those sumptuous titties and stick his dick in that pretty mouth/brown-eye he has to put up with the following: average body, three-year-old kid (who he gets stuck baby sitting frequently, sometimes on weekends so she can go out), daily fights, can’t look at other women, she’s deleted all girls’ numbers from his phone, can’t talk to his gf’s roommate because she’s hot and he made out w/ her four years ago, and the most batshit- he isn’t allowed to sleep in a town she’s not in.

I could easily list 40 more acts of lunacy, but you get the idea. The problem is he’s too fucking nice, realizes the kid needs a normal “parent”, and is a spineless pushover. She won’t let him go on roadtrips with us because of the sleeping out of town rule (last time he tried coming she yelled at him for not taking responsibility for the kid when it’s not even his fucking kid) and I haven’t had a beer with him in probably five months. The main reasons he stays with her are for the crazy sex and he feels bad for the kid who is actually a pretty decent kid despite his cumdumpster, lunatic mom.

I dated someone like this once. I mean, not a woman with a kid, but a woman whose insecurities forced her to lash out and pick fights over the most harmless minutiae. The sex was great because the sex HAD to be great to justify the misery of being around such a broken human being.

It’s to the point where we tell him to get rid of her on a daily basis, and he knows he should, but he keeps putting it off for one reason or another (first a Mardi Gras trip, now his April birthday which would be an acceptable move if he were actually a selfish dickhead, but he’s not, just a pussy). Is there a way to tell him he’s being a huge gash and to sack up and get rid of her? My friends can date all the c-words they want, but when it starts affecting my good times, I get a little pissy, and we have a fun summer coming up starting with a Kentucky Derby trip that she’s going to try ruining for him, so this needs to go down fairly quickly…..or do me and our other roommate just need to mind our own goddamn business?
Regulate in peace,
Dissed Champ

I have experience on both sides of this dilemma — as the guy with the terrible girlfriend, and as the friend of that poor sap. The thing you’re failing to realize here is that your friend isn’t a normal human being with free will. He’s in prison, jailed by a strong-willed woman who uses her body and a complex set of mind games to keep him from escaping. I’m not overstating it when I say that she’s subjecting him to a form of mental abuse.

Now, a lot of men subject themselves to these kinds of relationships, and they inevitably end one of two ways: (1) the man gives up on living a happy life and marries the shrike, or (2) he snaps and kicks her to the curb.

Unfortunately, getting in the middle of a relationship like this is tough — if you phrase your dislike of the girlfriend the wrong way, you may inadvertently push them closer together. The crazy girlfriend benefits from the boyfriend’s loss of friends, because she’s never satisfied until she has squashed anything else on the planet that might divert the boyfriend’s attention away from her: other women, friends, sports on TV, video games, porn, going outside without her, etc. Do not underestimate her shrewd villainy. She’s a worthy adversary.

So what do you do? I don’t know for sure; but personally, I think that — given your friend’s admission that he needs to break up with her — you need to play hardball with him. Stage an informal intervention: get together with your other roommate and tell your friend that his fat insecure bitch of a girlfriend is no longer welcome in the apartment, and that if he’s going to insist on continuing to date her, then the two cool people in the apartment are going to start looking for a new roommate/new apartment (depending on who’s on the lease). Be openly hostile to the girlfriend: tell her that your friend is too good for her, and that she makes him miserable whenever she’s talking or has her clothes on. I say you scorch that Earth: better to leave no survivors at all than to let your friend wallow in her prison.

Of course, I don’t think you’ll actually do that. NOBODY ever steps to an evil girlfriend that way. And it’s a shame that we don’t, because abusive people like her need intense therapy, not boyfriends to control.

**********

Dear KSK,
I’ve been living overseas in Korea for the past 2 years. Since I’m a foreigner, this has enabled me to get laid very easily. I say this so my post doesn’t come off as being narcissistic. Since arriving, I’ve had sexual relations (quoting Clinton) with many women. More than I had ever imagined I would prior to heading over here. The problem is, of all of the girls I’ve done stuff with, none of them interest me for a serious relationship. These flings usually just end up making me feel like an asshole (which I guess I am in some ways). I would much rather have a serious relationship over several one-night stands. These aren’t all promiscuous women either, which one would assume. I just get bored very, very easily.

“Help! I keep having sex with Korean women all the time!” Fuck you.

Is this just because I know I can get laid easily? Cultural differences? Something in the Korean water? I just want one girl! Do I pick one and just say, “alright, let’s do this relationship thing” or wait for one that I *really* do like? I’ve had a couple serious relationships in the past and both ended with me getting screwed over. I’m 25 BTW.
-Yellow Fever

Relax, you gaping asshole (and I call you a gaping asshole in the kindest way).

Can I make some assumptions here? Like a lot of gaijin, you have reasons to find Asian women attractive: generally speaking, they’re submissive, deferential, impressed by your non-Asian penis, and they have really nice skin. All of which makes them ideal choices to bring home from a bar, because they just might be cooking or cleaning when you wake up in the morning. But you don’t want a submissive, demure girlfriend. You want someone brassy, someone different, someone who gets all your jokes because English is her first language and she grew up watching My Little Pony, just like you did.

Or something to that effect. In short: 25 is still exceptionally young, especially for a man. Hold out for someone you genuinely like before you get into a relationship. And for the love of God, flush that conscience down the drain and keep enjoying your stay in heaven, jackass.

**********

Dear Sex Bag Wrangler,
I know that this is the ‘Fantasy Football & Sex’ advice column, but can I shake it up a bit and ask for life advice?

Whatever.

So here is the situation: after leaving school at 18 I was a bum. Never went to Uni, had a few jobs, some good some bad, and drifted a bit. Last year I figured out where I wanted my life to go, knuckled down and got into College (I’m British, and studying in your fine country starting September, so knuckling down actually meant re-learning maths for the fucking SAT. That sucked. I’ve spent many years trying to forget algebra) to study something I’m passionate about.

Although I don’t really care about age, the fact is I’ll be a 24 year old freshman. And English.

“Help! I’m going to get laid all the time!” What the fuck is wrong with people this week?

I have no desire to be some creepy older guy, however between making friends with my fellow Freshman, heading to a school where males are in the minority and having ready legal access to alcohol, there are many awkward situations to be had. Where the hell do my boundaries lie? I want to have a kick ass social life alongside studying, but don’t want to be some old creeper buying beer and Smirnoff Ices for 18 year olds (or being regarded as a dick for not doing so, as I remember being underage and hating people who wouldn’t buy you booze). Eurgh… help. I’ve considered everything from completely not caring about this shit to refusing to state my age as being anything over 21 and trying to track down any other freshman who aren’t fresh out of high school.

Your desire not to be the creepy old guy is commendable but overinflated. I used to work on sending my smarter enlisted Marines into something called MECEP (Marine Enlisted College Education Program), which generally involved a rigorous summer of re-learning math (it’s singular here in the States) before sending a 23- or 25-year-old active-duty Marine off to a college campus.

And let me tell you something, sir: those Marines OWNED their respective campuses. And why not? They’d been busting their ass in the military for at least four years, then got sent to a place requiring minimal work and time management skills that was populated entirely by nubile young women and male idiots who considered waking up by 9:00 a.m. for a one-hour lecture not merely difficult, but OUT OF THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY. Those Marines were men among dodos.

And so shall you be. In the eyes of other freshman, you’re going to be worldly and experienced and exotic and — most importantly — the owner of a legitimate I.D. that states a legal drinking age. If anything, your biggest concern won’t be “Am I the creepy guy?” — it will be “Holy Jesus I can’t stand these idiots.” You should be helpful and magnanimous, but choose your friends and sexual conquests carefully.

Football: What with being British I don’t have a team that I support. I’ve got players/coaches that I’ve got a soft spot for, but in general I just love the game and usually my allegiance is based on who I’ve bet on. However, when I’m college bound I’m moving to Patriots territory. I don’t have to become a Pats fan, do I? Please say I don’t?
Sincerely,
The World’s Oldest Freshman

BE STRONG. Don’t get sucked into the Pats hype. Think about it this way: the Pats mascot is an American revolutionary. That’s pretty much the last team a Brit should be rooting for.

**********

Sir,
Football: non-applicable at the present, but I’m interested in doing the fantasy thing next season (whenever that may be). I don’t really have friends who would be down with it, though. I watch “The League” and would like to engage in that sort of camaraderie, but it doesn’t seem a go with my group. Should I even bother, or just enjoy the games for their own intrinsic value?

Ugh, enjoy the games’ intrinsic value? Like a common fan? NO THANK YOU.

Trawl around in the comments of KSK this summer — you might find some intelligent, like-minded commenters who are similarly in search of creating a good fantasy league.

Sex: Not quite sure how to start this. I don’t want to sound like a pervert or a horrible human being, so I guess I’ll give some background, then the question, then will accept the validity of your and the commenters’ jurisdiction over my screwed-up mind.

Okay. Thank you for explaining that to me.

The present: I’m in my late 20′s. Have a bachelor’s degree in philosophy (deserve whatever shit I get for admitting it), partial master’s degree (went to divinity school, realized it wasn’t for me). Am living with my parents again (sort of long story, but I came home from grad school to help take care of my dad after spinal surgery and didn’t go back).

I imagine the philosophy degree isn’t helping much, either.

I’m a decent-looking guy and in pretty good shape (I landscape and instruct yoga and other fitness classes). However, it’s been over two years since I’ve gotten anything remotely resembling action. I’m not shy and get along with females quite well; I’m not even particularly discerning. But the fact remains, I’ve practically regained my virginity. I understand dry spells are a part of being a man, so I accept this, but I wasn’t exactly swimming in it before. I was nearly 25 when I first had those relations, and it was after making my first girlfriend wait a month (I am by no means a prude, but I do take seriously the intimate union of two individual humans which has at the very least the possibility of producing another human life).

Actually, you’re a prude. That “possibility of producing human life” bullshit is the kind of thing that prudes say.

We dated for a few months, then broke up, but it was less a break-up than a temporary removal of the “boyfriend/girlfriend” tag. I dated another girl for a while before she broke up with me to almost immediately date a known junkie, but it always seemed as if my first and I would reunite, and we indeed were sort of headed for that…

That is, until her roommate’s boyfriend lay in wait for her to get off work one night (three years ago to the day as I write this), then brutally and senselessly murdered her.

I did not see that coming.

This broke me, in almost all aspects. I remain broken. Yet out of all the various problems that resulted, I come to you with one which is forum-related. Here is the gist of this problem, which I feel guilty about and reprehensible for even bringing up. As noted before, I have no current intimate experiences now and had few even before my dry spell began. This, I have dealt with through certain, ahem, means.

What? You mean jerking off? You can say “jerking off,” you know. Or masturbation, whatever. Just don’t make me guess.

However, given my lack of experiences and partners, I keep finding my thoughts drifting to the few memories of real sexual contact that I possess. And inevitably, they drift to my first girlfriend and lover. If she still lived, I would have no problem with this. But because she does not, every time my mind slips, I either feel too guilty to go on or too frustrated to stop.

Ah, the old dilemma about masturbating to someone who’s dead. Who hasn’t been there before?

I still love her and would probably be with her if that one brutal night hadn’t happened, but I can’t help but feel that I disparage her memory by going to that place in my mind generally reserved for thoughts that don’t fully represent my relationship with her.

“Signed, A Character from The Scarlet Letter.

“P.S. Send medicine for tuberculosis, as many of us in the New World are battling this illness between Indian attacks.”

I guess what I’m asking is, is it reasonable/acceptable to still think of her in this way, or am I a despicable asshole who shouldn’t be near any woman whatsoever?
Sincerely,
Guilty Or Not

You are not a despicable asshole. Quite the opposite, I’d argue. However, you’ve got SEVERAL cans of worms that are contributing to your hang-ups with sex. Here’s what I picked up on:

1. You’ve given sex an overinflated value. It’s wise to choose your sexual partners carefully, but you seem to take pride in making your now-dead ex-girlfriend wait a month in order to have sex with her. Given your dalliance with divinity school, I understand that you’re religious, but as a male human being you should probably recognize that your puritanical leanings don’t make you a better person — they just limit your sexual options, which in turn leads to you cry during masturbation even though you can’t say the word masturbate. The teachings of organized religion — especially Christianity — aren’t often in line with a healthy and happy sex life. You may have to undergo a fundamental shift in some of your views in order enjoy sex like a normal person.

2. The woman that died was your EX-girlfriend. You might think you two were headed for happily ever after, but you have no guarantee of what was going on in her head. Who’s to say what would have happened? Maybe she wanted someone with more sexual experience. Don’t put her on a pedestal: it will only make women you date in the future feel like they can’t live up to her.

3. Jerking off is nothing to feel guilty about. If your ex-girlfriend hadn’t died, you’d probably still be jerking off to her. That’s what guys do: we endlessly seek out sex, and when we don’t get it, we jerk off. It’s good to clean the pipes — it calms the nerves.

Anyway, go get yourself some professional therapy. And/or a hooker. You’ve got a lot of work to do.

Welcome to your St. Patrick’s Day sexbag. I hope nobody reads this, because it would make me much happier if you were all out in bars, drinking heavily and meeting strangers to fornicate with.

First order of business: many people have expressed sympathy and concern last week for Hotwheelz, the virgin with muscular dystrophy whose disability prevents him from being able to masturbate. One commenter noted that he writes about his experiences at Love on Wheelz, and I wanted to pass it on to anyone else who may be interested in his story. It’s pretty good stuff.

And now for our regularly scheduled Q and A session.

Hey Captain,
I’ve been on the recovery of an extremely rough break up from a sociopathic woman for the past couple months. Long story short, she dumped me three days after I met her entire family over Christmas, out of state, because she couldn’t handle me going into the Army. I ended up finding out she was cheating on me with a married man and this had been going on throughout our entire relationship.

I like that line of reasoning. “I can’t handle you going into the Army, so I’m breaking up with you. P.S. I had no qualms about sleeping with a married man.”

Needless to say, I’m extremely glad I am out of that relationship but have now been looking to move on. However, I’ll be heading into the Army, as an Infantry officer in about ten months which will means I’ll need to put my complete focus on that and not worry about a relationship back home.

In the Marines, we call someone without much rank a “boot,” a reference to boot camp. It can be a noun (“Who’s the new boot?”), an adjective (when you arrive at your first duty station, you’ll be the boot lieutenant), or part of a hyphenated phrase. For example, when you do something stupid because you lack experience or perspective, it’s called a “boot-ass move.”

Swearing off a relationship because you think being an Army officer requires laser-like focus 24/7 is a boot-ass move. You’re going to be stuck in some godforsaken shithole — whether it’s Fort Benning or Afghanistan, you’re guaranteed a shithole — where educated, attractive women simply DON’T EXIST. Even if you don’t want a serious relationship, it’s wise to have a woman who will visit your crappy base in the middle of nowhere and get naked with you.

Recently, I met this pretty cool girl and I told her my situation that I am not looking for any kind of relationship with strong emotional ties. Just simply some female companionship to go out have some drinks and if a physical relationship forms, that’s fine, but it needs to not become anything serious. She told me she completely was on board for that sort of thing and after our first date we got drunk and slept together. I thought everything was great until she started mentioning things like “I just think I’m ready for a good guy, and you’re really great…”, insisting I sleep over constantly, and calling me “sweetheart”. Needless to say, I ended up telling her that this was not what I wanted and have ceased talking to her. I thought I was blatantly clear with my words but apparently I charmed her in a matter of two weeks into thinking that I was looking for more. Basically, I’m wondering if you have any tips on how to be more clear to a woman that I am not in the situation for a serious relationship but just looking for some fun before I head off into the Army.
-11A

People ignore obvious truths to satisfy their emotions all the time. Did you see (500) Days of Summer? Zooey Deschanel tells Joseph Gordon Leavitt straight up that she doesn’t want anything serious, but his dumb ass is in love with her so he assumes the relationship means something more. You can’t be any more clear unless you treat the girl like crap, or find a girl who’s a little more grounded.

As for YOU, sir… You need to start putting a higher priority on pussy. You think you’re hot shit right now — I did too when I was telling girls I was going to be a Marine officer. And then when I was a Marine officer, I had to drive 150 miles to find a single woman who wasn’t a meth addict. I’d recommend staying in touch with that clingy broad.

**********

Matt,
FF – fantasy football is not big in the UK (even after PK’s sugar daddy sent over the 49ers and the Broncos for a game last year – who knew that wouldn’t spark an interest) so after a few years of trying, have put together a league and will be doing my first draft this year.

I have played FF for years in a basic (no PPR, no flex player, no negative scoring) format where you have a salary cap and each player has a notional value. You can pick a different line-up each week and everyone can have the same players, like FF for children and along the lines of the how fantasy soccer is done here.

Ah, like the FanDuel week-to-week challenges! I love that shit. You never have to be pissed that you didn’t draft Michael Vick, or that you missed Peyton Hillis on waivers — you can just pick up those sons of bitches every week if you want.

Obviously that is nothing like a “real” league. Any general strategy tips? No draft order yet.

If you don’t have one of the first four or five picks, I’d recommend taking a top quarterback over a shaky running back. Nothing’s worse than getting a “top” running back the year he turns 30 and falls apart.

As for general strategy, you should have a list of all the players you want to draft, ranked in order of how you perceive their value. Yahoo has a pretty cool thing that gives you a pre-ordered list that you can adjust by moving undervalued guys up and overvalued guys down. As the draft goes on, balance your need at the different positions with taking the best available player, and you should be fine.

Other – not so much sex as marriage. Well, getting married. We are trying to keep the number of day guests down, given we both have large families that will be invited en masse and don’t have an unlimited budget; therefore some people are going to miss out.

My fiancée has identified some relatively easy kills (not in the euthanasia sense) – one being my brother’s godmother and her husband, who fall in the “family friends” category, whom she has never met. I don’t think I’ve seen them in five years. However, they are lifelong friends of my parents.

When I mentioned their potential omission to my mother, without the fiancée being there – not by design, just because I saw my mother at hospital when our visits to my brother overlapped and conversation lagged as it does in those situations – she was clearly not happy about the idea of them being evening-only invites and pointed out my parents have attended in full both their children’s weddings.

Note to people who are getting married: nobody gives a shit about the effort you put into who to invite. It’s like doing your taxes: it may be difficult and time-consuming, but that doesn’t make it interesting.

When I fed this back to my better half, she referred to her initial reasoning, that she has never met these people, and why should they come and potentially people we are much closer to not get to spend the day with us. She also pointed out that when one of my cousins got married, he was going to have cousins as evening guests and only invite aunts/uncles to the day, but my mother and her brother kicked up a fuss about it, and cousins ended up being invited to the whole thing, so it is in part my mother’s fault that precedent was set and we have to invite our entire families to the day in the first place, thus limiting our day guest numbers. Also, my girlfriend hasn’t got any family friends on her side as day guests.

Seriously:

I can completely see both sides but I am also stuck in the middle. They get on very well, my mum having no daughters dotes on her and treats her as her own, so a disagreement isn’t something that has happened previously. I am off to Madrid for a stag party

next weekend and they are going to some wedding fair on the Saturday I am away for, so should I try to engineer a conversation between the two of them there or is it my responsibility to deal with and ultimately decision this?
-Icantevenseetheline

Ask yourself this question: “Do I give a fuck if my brother’s godmother is at my wedding?” If the answer is no, then fuck it. Go off to Madrid and get hammered.

If you still feel compelled to moderate this quandary, I’d recommend siding with your soon to be wife, as SHE — not your mother — is the one getting married. Also, she’s the one you have sex with.

**********

Dear KSK,
FF: We’re in a keeper league where any player you draft and stash on your roster the entire year can be kept the next season for a nominal price. I drafted Matt Stafford last year in order to do the keeper thing with him. I would lose a 7th round pick in next year’s draft plus cash to keep him. Do you think that:

1.) his oft-injured ass is worth the price?
2.) he’ll be available in the 7th anyway, so why even waste a keeper on him??

Stafford’s a great fantasy play when he’s healthy, but that sonuvabitch hurts his shoulder as often as Sam Bradford is supposed to injure his. I wouldn’t mind picking Stafford up in the seventh round, but I wouldn’t keep him for a seventh-rounder, if that makes any sense.

SEX: My apartment building has an awesome pool/hot tub/sun deck that is party central over the summer. Last summer, I ended up getting involved with one of my neighbors. Things didn’t last because she seemed generally disinterested in me any time I was not in-between her thighs, though the time spent there was ample. Minus a couple of random at-the-bar sightings/hookups over the winter, I haven’t seen her much since pool season. I recently started seeing a new lady who lives out of town. We’ve been commuting to see each other often, and she will very likely be spending several weekends this summer with me at the pool.

Question: Do I bring up the neighbor?? There’s nothing that would make me think that neighbor girl will bring up our past humping or make things awkward, but who knows, right?? I mean, I want to be honest and all, but saying, “BTW, that blonde over there?? Yeah, I was involved with her last summer, and even though she lives across the hall, and you live three hours away, you have nothing to worry about,” doesn’t seem like it would go over too well. Advice??
- BWJ

Don’t bring it up. The only thing you’ll do if you bring it up out of the blue is plant a worry that wasn’t there before — and doesn’t need to be there at all. If it somehow comes out that you hooked up with your neighbor, you have a perfectly rational explanation: you didn’t mention it because you’ve moved on and it’s not an issue.

Of course, there’s a certain breed of insecure woman who insists upon full disclosure of all past relationships, flings, and secret desires — information that she will use to destroy her “competition” and make her boyfriend’s life miserable, to the point that he’s afraid to glance at women in her presence. That kind of woman won’t handle this situation well, but you probably shouldn’t be dating that kind of woman anyway.

**********

hello
So football first. There is none right now. So that’ll be that. Fantasy baseball to the rescue.

On to sexxx. There is none. I’m god damned twenty two and haven’t gotten laid, is that bad? High school I was fat, religious and ugly (pitiful combo), dropped weight, went to college, dropped god sophomore year, gained weight, lost weight junior year and that’s when I got in the game, yes a very late start. So, I been close a few times, but never been able to close the night off. Never been on a real date neither. Anyway, I’ve always been somewhat bi polar and fucking nuts, I’ve always seemed to be depressed alot of the time, and my situation with the ladies does not help that, and me being all sullen all the fucking time does not reflect well, but whatever, I don’t care.

Whoa, easy there, dude. This reads like a verse to “Stan.”

I’ve come to recognize I’m a piece of shit and won’t get over it, which seems to be like a circular reference in my brain between these two ideas. (listening to the blues all day doesn’t help either.) I realize I need to stop being bitter against the world and etc etc but my mind is fucked up. I smoke pot and drink for that. Sometimes it backfires, but you don’t need to hear about my self loathing.

So I guess I shouldn’t have skipped the first part or your letter, eh?

I recently started a new job two months ago with a big firm in NYC, not that it matters, but it means I don’t have time for shit right now, I don’t even see my family and I live at home, but it also means I can only think about myself a few hours of the day and I get money, which helps. There are many hot women in my office. Some of them are interns on my engagement. How would you advise I go about this? Or, if you advise that I stay away from office romances/hookups/sexual encounters,

I do. That hasn’t changed since last week.

what else does a brotha suggest a brotha do to put himself out there and either have sex or a relationship, ideally both? Is that even ideal?
Regards,
Joe

What’s ideal for you, I would posit, is a more healthy relationship with yourself and your outlook on life. Anyone with as much anger and bitterness as yourself can benefit from some professional therapy, which tends to be more effective and responsive than this blog’s mailbag. You might not even need any of those happy drugs — sometimes, just talking about your shit with a disinterested third party is enough to clear your head.

Seriously, get to a place where you feel good about yourself as an individual, and then we’ll work on the girl problems.

**********

Dear Caveman,
FOOTBALL: Fuck Vinny Cerrato with a rusty chainsaw.

I shall add it to my to-do list.

SEX: I’ve got a great girlfriend. She is hot, fun, smart, independent, funny, life of the party, lets me live my own life and wants to have one too, on the fast track to getting rich, happily gives me head. Sex is solid and fun, not amazing. Most importantly she is my best friend.

What’s the problem? Lock that shit down.

We’ve been dating 6.5 years (minus one in the middle that sucked). On paper this is a no-brainer: she’s the one. But there’s a seed of nagging doubt that’s been there since the beginning and has recently blossomed. I feel that on a fundamental level our life goals are incompatible. She wants to be a rich and powerful corporate queen, live in NYC, focus her life around making millions of dollars.

That’s the dream life! You get to be a kept man!

She has made clear that she’d have a hard time respecting someone who didn’t share that sort of ambition.

Or not.

I have shared it and have been tracking a similar path but have recently come to the realization that I don’t anymore. I just want to live someplace quiet (read: not New York) and make enough money to get by, and get out of the city sooner than later. Making a career in a high-pressure NYC corporate job with brutal hours feels like a life of misery to me. We’ve talked about this recently – her and my divergent goals – but since we’re happy for the time being it doesn’t seem like a big deal. But I’m worried this could blow up at some point and that she doesn’t realize how serious I am about getting out as soon as I free myself from debt. She remains serious and optimistic about our forever-together NYC power-couple future.

OMG YOU’RE TOTALLY AIDEN AND SHE’S CARRIE!

/grows ovaries

I am currently finishing up grad school long distance (a harsh reality we’d tried to avoid but for many reasons could not, so we see each other every few weeks in-semester) and my high-paying and debt-freeing yet shitty NYC job awaits. A new girl has come into my picture here in school who is equally awesome in many ways. I’ve been keeping my distance but am giving serious thought to making it happen with this girl. We hit it off from the start and are clearly into each other and I know we share similar lifestyle goals and ambitions. The older I get and the more seriously I look at planning the rest of my life, the more important this becomes to me. I’m making this sound more calculated than it is: I just have a tingly, gay feeling I’ve never felt for a girl. Hollywood tells me is “love at first sight.” (Well fuck Hollywood. Give me Caveman.)

A friend of mine has an “80/20″ theory: any girl you are with will provide you 80% of what you want and need, and other girls will always provide that other 20%. He says my dilemma is a classic 80/20 case: the new girl is just the other 20%, my “nagging doubt” is total bullshit. Maybe he’s right. But for me the issue is whether these gut feelings are real, legitimate instincts that I should act on.

Tell me my friend is right. Tell me that this is long distance fucking with my mind, that the excitement about the new girl is mere “grass is always greener on the other side” fake, that my nagging doubt about by current gf is nitpicking, that this is garden variety hesitation about long term commitment, that nobody is perfect, and I can make it work with my current girl and best friend and live happily ever after. Or tell me not.
Thanks,
Poop Sex

That’s a tough one, hoss. As appreciative as you sound of your girlfriend — you recognize that she’s hot and smart and your best friend — you don’t seem too concerned about the prospect of life without her. Have you thought that through? You leave New York City, buy a house in a quiet town, kick back your feet, and… You don’t have your best friend to share it with, because she’s wearing high heels and a tight-ass skirt suit in Manhattan (I filled in some details with my imagination). What’s the priority — your woman, or getting out of NYC?

I won’t put any stock in this potential new flame of yours, because that’s the sort of thing that pops up any time you’ve got a long-distance relationship that puts you in close proximity to available members of the opposite sex. However, that doesn’t mean that your problem isn’t real. I’ve said it again, but it bears repeating: just because you love someone doesn’t necessarily make them the right person for you. If you’re dead-set on getting out of NYC, and your girlfriend is dead-set on being half of a power couple, someone is going to end up disappointed. You need to confront this discrepancy now — not put it off until you’ve paid off your student loans and taken up three more years of a professional woman’s single life.

And then, maybe, you can see about that classmate of yours.