We had some great questions submitted after lunch today, and that’s too bad, because the bulk of the mailbag is always written the night before. Wednesday, people. That’s the best time to submit questions.

Now, on to the mailbag! Some compelling stuff this week, including HPV, the trade deadline, the Nuva Ring, my dong, shrooms, Chad Henne, Rod Tidwell, veterans in college, high school handjobs, and MILFS! MILFS! MILFS!

Hi,
Long time (female) reader, first time writer. So, I went for an annual exam a few weeks ago and tested positive for HPV. Apparently, something like 75% of sexually active adults will contract it at some point in their lives. A few more facts: Most people will shed the virus within 6 months or a year and never suffer any ill effects. You don’t have to have sex to spread the virus. Condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping transmission. Guys can’t even be tested for it; the only way to know is if genital warts appear.

Some more facts: condoms aren’t 100% effective at stopping anything, but you should still use them. Oh, and the strains of HPV that aren’t harmless cause cervical cancer. Cancer kills people.

Now there’s a guy in the picture and I want to know whether the Gay Mafia thinks he needs to be told. We used to live in the same area (but have stayed in touch since moving); now we’re about six hours apart. We’ve never had sex, but have been intimate otherwise. In fact, odds are that I picked this up from him, or I’ve already exposed him to it. He’s planning to visit soon and I’m unsure what to do. I really care about this guy and want to do the right thing: should I tell him the whole situation or keep my mouth shut? If I tell him, I’d prefer to do so in person, but would he rather know before he drives 350 miles to see me? So many questions!
Thanks,
Confused

Guhhhh. Don’t you at least have an easy fantasy football question?

You’re right that HPV is widespread and usually harmless. And frankly, he’s likely never going to know if he has it — unless you share a warty strain with him, in which case: you’re the girl that gave him genital warts. Not the best way to ingratiate yourself to someone you care about.

As usual, I think honesty is the best policy. Tell him about your annual check-up, and let him know that there’s a good chance that he gave it to you/you shared it with him already because you’ve only had X number of sexual partners since your last check-up, where X is the smallest believable number you can get away with. The good news is that this conversation is best held in person, so wear a low-cut top while breaking the news and you’ll be breaking out the condoms for a weekend of safe sex in no time.

Dear KSK,
My girlfriend uses the Nuva Ring for birth control, and it’s fantastic–it’s just as effective as the pill but she doesn’t have to remember to take it every day, and I don’t have to wear a condom. Awesome. And 99% of the time, you never know the thing is in there. However, once in a while when we have sex that’s a little more frisky than the usual, I will wind up with the Nuva Ring around my cock at the end. I find this hilarious and like to pretend I just won a ring-toss game at the fair. No real question, just wondering if yourself or any of the commenters have had any similar experiences with the Nuva Ring. Thanks.
-Ringer

Personally, I’m not a huge fan of the Nuva Ring. A few years back I got my then-girlfriend pregnant while she was on it, and more recently I dislodged one during sex, leading to a lost Nuva Ring that knocked my girl’s cycle out of whack and forced an unscheduled trip to the gynecologist.

However, my experiences are not the norm, as most men are less virile and incapable of the sexual gymnastics I perform. Oh, and to answer your question: my penis has too much girth to get the Nuva Ring around it. Call me, ladies!

Dear Men of KSK,
Sex: I’ve been going out with this girl for nearly a year and our anniversary is coming up. When I met her she was a total hippie but she’s made a lot of changes and is always doing things for me. For our anniversary she wanted to have sex on shrooms because she said it was one of the best feelings she’s ever had. I’ve never done shrooms and I’m not exactly comfortable with the idea. Am I being unfair if I don’t do this one thing for her?

Nope. Whether it’s drinking, smoking, or doing drugs, a person in a relationship shouldn’t feel pressured to adopt their partner’s vices. If sex on shrooms is one of the best feelings your girl’s ever had, she can take them and you can focus on providing the sex.

On the other hand, relationships are about compromise, and your girlfriend is trying to share with you what she considers to be a wonderful experience. Now, I’m not recommending you take illegal hallucinogenic drugs here, but if you decide to demur then you should at least consider her feelings and intent with the proposal — and the possible repercussions of turning it down.

Football: My fantasy team is doing well, so I wanted to ask a general football question. Is Chad Henne really a long-term solution at QB for the Dolphins?

No.

He makes terrible Cutlerfuck decisions sometimes but then again his wide receivers have worse hands than people who hold on to fireworks too long.
-CJ

The Dolphins score touchdowns because of the Wildcat. Chad Henne only plays to mix the offense up.

Gents:
Football: Drafted Hightower and Beanie Wells. Wells sucked, dropped him on waivers. Wells starts taking carries away from Hightower. Kinda looks like Wells is going to get most of the carries. Picked Wells back up. Do I drop Hightower or keep both? Please advise.

Keep them both and hope one gets injured.

Sex: More of a general question. Asked my girlfriend to marry me (she said yes, the poor girl), let the world know, all the sudden every girl I’ve ever fucked is coming out of the woodwork and wants a piece of my cock. What is up with this shit? This is confusing. It’s not that I want to get back with any of these girls, there’s a reason I’m not fucking/dating any of them now, it’s just confusing that now i can’t go 5 minutes without another former crazy texting me about how she wants my dick inside her. What the fuck? Please advise.
Thanks!
(insert creative moniker here)

Have you not heard? Bitches be crazy.

You, sir, have just made yourself unavailable to all other women on the planet — and if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man that they can’t have (to a certain extent, the gender-reverse of this is true as well, but I’m writing as one male to another, so bear with me). Sure, the relationships you had with all these previous exes didn’t work out, but as long as you were single and they were single, there was still a CHANCE they could have you again — a chance that they didn’t really consider until they couldn’t have you again.

Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t. This concludes Understanding Women 101.

KSK:
Football: I need 1 RB, 2 WR, and 1 Flex out of the following: Slaton v. Ten; Beanie @ STL; Harvin v. Sea; DeSean Jackson @Chi; Kevin Walter v. Ten. Right now I’ve got Walter as odd-man-out, but something is nagging the back of my mind. Our league is standard scoring except yards are 1 per 25 instead of 1 per 10, so touchdowns are at a premium. I’m leading the league in points, yet am on a five-game losing streak thanks to Bye Week Madness, so I really need to get this one right.

The fuck? 1 point for 25 yards? Who are you people?

Because of your fucked up scoring system, I’d play Walter instead of Slaton. You think Fumbly McButterhands is gonna get goal line carries? Hell no. Walter at least stands a chance of getting into the end zone, especially with Owen Daniels out.

Sex: I’m boning a divorced chick with kids. First time I’ve ever dated a mother. Relationship is pretty casual, but she wants it to be more. I’m worried because I feel like if we get to the point where all of a sudden I know her kids (I’ve been pretty well avoiding that), there is some magical line there that is hard to cross back over. Am I being worried for nothing, or is this tread-softly territory?
Signed,
Thanking God Each Day I Drafted Chris Johnson

Oh Christ. Now I have to embed this:

Unless Larry Fitzgerald is willing to write a guest column, that’s the best advice you’re getting from a Cardinals wideout this season.

What it comes down to is this: if you want to keep it casual and she wants more, get the hell out and don’t waste her time, you selfish ass. If you like her and decide that you want more, then meet her kid and become an important part of that family’s life. Don’t be the guy who dicks over a single mom. You don’t want her frumpy Bonnie Hunt-like sister judging you.

Douchebags,
Fantasy Question first: Due to my level of intoxication during my league’s draft, I am stuck with a plethora of mundane running backs. Select two from this list of inconsistent asshats: L. Betts (@DAL), L. McCoy (@CHI), J. Stewart (MIA), R. Grant (SF). Grant has been my one stable starter, which isn’t saying much.

I’m pretty staked at WR,

Staked?

pick 3 in a non-PPR league: R. Williams (WAS), The NYG Smith (ATL), Colston (@TB), Chambers (PIT), Edwards (@NE), Austin (WAS)

WR: Smith, Colston, Austin. At running back, you should start Grant at one slot and wait and see who’s going to get the reps on Sunday. Betts has run pretty well over the last two games since Portis’s concussion, and if he gets the start for the Skins he should get the start for you. Of course, Brian Westbrook has been listed as Questionable every fucking week for the last three years and he randomly misses every fifth game or so, so keep an eye on the Eagles’ situation as well.

Sex: I’m 25 and recently separated from the Army after 4 years of service, and am back in college. My question is: Is it wrong for me to fuck 18/19 year old broads that attend my school? I feel that since I missed what would have been a productive college career by deploying to Iraq, I should be entitled to make up for it. Your thoughts?
-Scarecrow

You are absolutely correct. Fuck away, soldier. Think about the friends you lost in that shithole: what would they want you to do? That’s right, they’d want you to nail all the hot college ass you possibly can. And you know what? If you didn’t exploit your legal drinking age and harrowing war stories to sleep with those hot young college girls, do you know what they’d do? They’d just end up with a lesser sexual experience with some 20-year-old douchebag who never fought for his country. Bang them for America, Scarecrow.

*hums “Battle Hymn of the Republic” while watching porn*

Gay mafia,
Football first, of course. Pick 2 out of these- Moreno (vs SD), Forte (vs PHI), Maroney (vs NYJ), Snelling (NYG), Forsett (MIN), Breaston (STL) or Roy Williams (WAS)- I’m leaning towards Snelling, Forte and Maroney. And yes I did get royally fucked over by Forte by drafting him 4th.

Those three sound good, except you said pick two.

Sex: This isn’t exactly sex, as I’m in highschool and haven’t hit the jackpot yet. I’m getting with a sophomore girl (I’m a junior), and we hook up most weekends. It goes pretty well (making out, I finger her, what have you) but then it gets awful. She can’t give handjobs. They are terrible. The first time I assumed she just didn’t know she had to go until I finished, but then it happened again. It’s the worst. Most recently I just made her stop. So, should I just ask her to blow me next time? (I’m not sure how comfortable she’ll be with that), or if she says no should I just guide her? Because honestly, she can’t do it as well as I can. I have years of practice goddamnit!
P.s. we are not dating (yet- I’m probably going to ask her out soon), so there’s no deep connection here.
Evan

My God, you’re getting handjobs from a high school sophomore and the two of you aren’t even dating? I may need to think twice about ever having kids.

First, on handjobs: Handjobs suck at any age. In fact, as you get older, a handjob becomes an insult. “Really? You’re really going to try to give me a handjob?” Welcome to high school, pal: frustrating and unsatisfying pseudo-sexual encounters is part of the experience.

Now, for the advice: Frankly, I don’t condone casual sex among high schoolers, but if you can muster up some respect for this girl and start dating her, and assuming you want some sexual release, then you’re going to have to give her some guidance regarding oral sex. You don’t want her going off to college and blowing other guys without ever having learned to give head, do you? C’mon, do her future boyfriends a favor.

Hey fellas who like football and females,
Fantasy: I have a pretty good group of receivers and some decent matchups this week, and I’d like to avoid being the guy who leaves 20 points on the bench. Would you help me decide? Start 3: Housh at MIN — Colston at TB — Big Steve Smith vs. ATL — Breaston at STL.

I’d go with Colston — ALWAYS Colston — Housh, and I guess the Giants’ Steve Smith. Breaston’s been finding the end zone recently, but as a policy I’ll play a #1/#2 guy in a solid passing attack over a #3 guy, even if he can be as productive as Breaston.

Sex: My wife has an incorrectly healed episiotomy and not only is sexual contact excruciating for her, but even mental stimulation or non-contact stimulation (increased bloodflow to the area) causes pain. Reconstructive surgery is planned, but imagine the dry spell after THAT. No question here, just wanted to say FML. Because I cannot FMW.

An episi-whatty?

/Googles episiotomy

//feels ill

Yo, you people,
Fantasy: PPR league, .1 point per carry, 1 point per 10 yrds rushing, 1 point per 15 yards rec. Options at RB (start 2): Gore @ GB, Grant v SF, Mendenhall @KC. Gore seems obvious, I’m a bit stuck between the other two.

.1 per carry and only 1 point for 15 yards receiving? Seriously, some of you people have absolutely retarded commissioners. Gore and Mendenhall.

Sex: I’m a college student and spend my summers/breaks at home. At the end of last summer, I was at the bar with friends and saw my neighbor there–a 50 year old cougar. We’re chatting, I buy her drinks, we smoke (”I don’t often do this!” yeah, ok woman), one thing leads to another, and we’re exchanging uglies later that evening. The sex is great–she was fiending for that youth. I mean GREAT. But there are a couple issues:

-This woman is good friends with my mother, who provides the shelter while my poor ass puts all my money to tuition. They have tea or some shit, whatever older women do, once or twice a week.
-She has a daughter I know. Well. As in we fucked before I fucked her mother.
-College pussy doesn’t compare for the most part. There have been a few, but GOD DAMN this woman knew how to work it. And most girls think I’m fairly awkward, while this MILF thinks I’m God’s gift to personality or charm (don’t ask, I don’t know), so it’s not like I have it available on hand every weekend–I gotta work hard for a college girl. I’m not ugly but no model either, so girls just don’t flutter their eyelashes at me with every Crest-approved smile. The MILF has made it well known I have permission to land whenever, and I have been going home every other weekend, or roughly that, to park my engine in her landing strip.

I read this column every week and I know how you emphasize how much us youngins should be taking advantage of that shaved poon the academics run with, but this woman is moving soon and I may not come across a cougar as hungry for all that in the future. Shit, this may be a last time. It isn’t like she’s some Marlboro Light chain smoking hooker type–she’s a natural woman with natural beauty and a natural sex drive. There aren’t many of those that aren’t botoxed to the face, and when I do get older I’m afraid they won’t go for the older man, or as fiercely as they go for this. But at the same time, if my mother or her daughter find out, it could mean some terrible things for my social and regular life. (Mother could kick me out of the house or never let me back there for breaks, etc.–she would–and daughter knows some dirt I’m not willing to let out, she may not figure it all out as she is in college too, but that’s also the risk factor).

Is it worth it to keep going back home for the consistent crazy sex until she moves and risk jeopardizing many aspects of my life, or should I strain myself with awkward jokes and bad flirting and only get it that once a month/every couple months, while always knowing there’s a woman back at home that will go nuts for the nuts, nuttier than any nut here would?
Help me, Poony Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

flubby: I would watch a movie about this email.

Many of us already have.

The Graduate is crazy overrated, but dammit if I couldn’t watch Katharine Ross ’til my eyeballs dried out.

Anyway, my first reaction is: congratulations, sir, on the rare — and rarely desirable –mother-daughter combination. That’s a box, so to speak, that most of us will never check.

As for what to do: certainly your Mrs. Robinson is also turned on by the illicit nature of the relationship, and I don’t see a problem with saving money in college while having mind-blowing sex. And since she’s moving, you have a pre-programmed end date to the fling, which is helpful since this isn’t the sort of thing with a future, unless you’re Ashton Kutcher and pretending to be straight.

The downside, of course, is that every weekend that you risk your ass by getting your ashes hauled by Mrs. Robinson, you’re removing yourself from the environment that provides you with many young single ladies your own age — and even if you don’t date them in college, those are important connections to make as you enter the real world and end up in the same city or working for the same company as some sexy acquaintance you know from some a cappella festival or a Phish concert or whatever crappy things college students like these days.

I’d suggest keeping the visits to Cougar Town to once a month. Find a happy medium between the hot, dangerous older-woman sex and making the most of your time in college — even if that means striking out with some stuck-up Tri-Delts from time to time.

Many of you have taken to writing ONLY a fantasy football question, which kind of irks me. We’re giving free mediocre fantasy advice here, and all we ask for in return is a window into your sordid sex life. Is that really so much to ask?

But then some of you write in with only sex-related questions, and I realize that perhaps that balances things out. Besides, I’ve always preached brevity, so it would seem strange to demand uninteresting questions you don’t really care about. So you may all continue to flaunt the rules. For now.

This week: manscaping, girl farts, Ryan Grant, bye week dilemmas, reunions, bad trades, mailbag etiquette, sterility, dog poo, and Dungeons and Dragons metaphors. Let’s do it.

KSK,
90 yards on the ground is usually a pretty decent game, but it pissed me off a little bit that Ryan Grant couldn’t do more against Detroit, especially with a lead. He also couldn’t break 100 against St. Louis and failed to score in either game. This week he’s playing the Browns and, Jesus Almighty, that’s another juicy matchup. Should I throw him out there a third time, or am I better off with Mendenhall vs. the Vikings or Pierre Thomas against Miami? I don’t have a flex (3 WR), it’s PPR, and this is assuming DeAngelo Williams locks down the other RB spot against the Bills.
–Nick

Oh, quit your bitching. Grant’s the best play this week, but if you want to be a little girl about it, Mendenhall is a perfectly good option.

Parishioners of the Matron Saint,
Sex: I wish I had a query to put here.

That’s cool. Don’t put any effort into writing a question. I’ll give you just as much effort in my answer.

Football: 12-team league, standard scoring (fractional points awarded for yards). I’m looking to cash in my RB depth to upgrade another position (I have Gore, Grant, Mendenhall, Rice), but I’m not sure which one. Should I try to upgrade at QB or WR? I have the immortal Cassel/Hasselbeck duo at QB, while at WR I start Andre Johnson and Roddy White every week, but am getting frustrated with Harvin as my third wheel (my only other WR is Berrian). The only offer that’s got any sort of legs right now is Grant-for-Marshall straight up. Thoughts?
- Crazy for Casselbeck

I like that trade. You suffer almost no downgrade at RB while massively upgrading your wide receiver corps. Pull the trigger.

KSK,
So, no questions about fantasy football cause I’m getting gang raped in my league, but I want to ask a question about male grooming. Recently a girl asked me if I’d shave my junk completely for her. Normally I do a nice trim job because once it gets thick woodland creatures could take up residence, but the only time I’ve ever gone completely bald was when I was younger and accidentally trimmed down too close and had to even it up. Needless to say I’m not 100% comfortable with the bald look. And since she already shaves her vag, it’s not like we are making an even trade.

So I’m probably just going to go ahead and do it, but my questions are A) what is a fair request to make as a trade-off for going bald. I’m thinking more blowjobs and B) Since I’ve also got hairy legs and a happy trail, how far do I take the baldness to keep it aesthetically pleasing without shaving everything? I don’t want to start and end up not having any eyebrows.
-The Yeti

Why don’t you ask your girlfriend? She’s the one who seems to know what she wants. I’d prefer not to give other dudes manscaping advice. In fact, I’m a little angry that you put me in the position to use the word “manscaping” at all.

KSK,
Football – Who to start- H. Miller @ Minn or Witten @ ATL?

Witten. He hasn’t really produced this year the way he has in years past, but I still think he’s the stronger play.

Sex – Also related to football – I’m in a fantasy league started by one of my girlfriends friends, and this year my girlfriend was convinced to join. Unfortunately that means I’ve been giving her advice the entire time. Right now, she is in first place, and I’m tied for second. At what point do I start withholding advice so that I win?
Thanks,
Deserves credit for running two successful teams

*rubs temples*

For those of you who are in the same fantasy league as your significant other, I ask you: did it ever occur to you that the behavior you’re supposed to exhibit in a relationship (sharing, open communication, a sense of togetherness) is EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE of how you’re supposed to behave in a fantasy league? Fantasy demands that you be selfish, ruthless, cutthroat. That’s why so many men use it as a mental escape from their relationships.

You, sir, got yourself into a fine little predicament. Continue to be a good boyfriend and put your fantasy team at risk, or play it straight and risk ending up in the doghouse. I recommend you play it Socratic with her: when she asks you who she should play, ask her what SHE thinks. And if she’s stuck, show her how YOU would find the answers. Confucius say: give woman starting lineup, she win for one week. Teach woman fantasy method, she make own bad decisions.

Hail to the Lords of the Learned Labial Lemniscate,
First, fantasy football. League is PPR, and counts KR/PR yards the same as receiving yards.

Whoa, kinky!

Start 3 WR – one is Hines Ward, who’s been all smirres this year. Pick 2 from the following: Boldin or Breaston @NYG, Manningham or Nicks @ARI, Sidney Rice @PIT.

Boldin is injured and will either be out or limited, so Breaston actually seems like the wiser play. Put Manningham or Nicks at the other slot — I’d lean towards Manningham, but really it depends on who Eli happens to be favoring this week. And in next year’s fantasy draft, maybe don’t take a bunch of receivers on the same team.

Also, I traded Ray Rice straight up for Manningham after week 2. How much of a fuckup was that?

Moderate but not insurmountable.

Sex: Going to a reunion this week. Any reunion specific tips on (a) scoring and/or (b) nailing that one that you never had the sack to chase in school? Does it matter that it’s grad school?
Thanks,
Gary

Sure it matters that it’s grad school. It doesn’t have any of the sweeping nostalgia or the pubescent uncertainty of high school. It’s the UFL of reunions.

Tips: Dress well. Be one drink behind everyone else. Re-connect with your crushes early, then excuse yourself from the conversation with a promise to talk more later. Follow up after she’s had more drinks but before she’s making out with someone else.

Hey,
So, football: Due to incredibly short-sighted drafting, I now have five players with byes this week, three of them receivers. That means I’m only going to have one receiver this week, instead of two. I’m hesitant to make a trade because I’m pretty satisfied with my roster and this is only a one-time issue. Any guys I should be watching the waiver wire for, or do I just make a trade for someone and hope it works out for the best?

If you like your roster, don’t make a trade to try to stave off defeat for a single bad week. As for the waiver wire, depending on the size of your league and its rosters, you should be able to pick up a guy like Michael Jenkins, Pierre Garcon, Greg Camarillo, or someone of that stature that can give you 5-7 points while you pray he gets a touchdown.

And on to sex: I hooked up recently with a long-time female friend on her 21st birthday. She was hesitant about it at first but then really got into it. A few days later I went ahead and asked her out and she soundly rejected me. But since then, rather than things being weird or awkward she’s been more flirty and we’re spending more time around each other than ever before. Since she’s had a few of shitty relationships (very much including her last) I think she just doesn’t want to make anything formal. Should I just accept that there will be no “relationship” but only a nebulous quasi-(no Peter King reference intended)-togetherishness, or do I press the issue with her? Or is this all just reading too much into it?
-A.L.

F that noise. Tell her that you’re into her and you understand she may have issues, then get the hell out of the way. You might get some sex when she’s feeling drunk or needy, or you might get an epic mindfuck for the ages. Or maybe she works things out in her head and decides she wants to be your girlfriend. Fuck, man. I don’t know. It just sounds like a shitty deal to me. I’d take what I could get and focus on moving on.

Dear All Knowing,
SEX: So I am in the midst of a blossoming new relationship and everything was going well until last night. After some great sex, and by great sex I mean I had an orgasm, we were lying in bed waiting for sleep to come, when my girlfriend farted. Now this wasn’t a Road Warrior fart, in fact, if she had cut the cheese from a wheel her slice would have represented the percentage of people who didn’t pick Purple Jesus first in their draft-which consists of Bears fans and the mildly retarded-but nonetheless it was audible. After a moment of silence, she said “Excuse me” but I was in such utter disgust and shock that I just laid there and pretended to be asleep. I think if I had opened my mouth, vomit would have covered my bed. Now this isn’t a deal breaker or anything I was just wondering what KSKers felt about this situation, as my friends don’t find it as revolting as I do (and there are even those who get off on it you sick people). Also, I realize how hypocritical I am in saying this as I fart all the time and think it’s hilarious, I even farted on the head of one of my best friends girlfriend one time on accident (bitch deserved it though). But the fact is, life has double standards (I have to pay for dinner AND the condoms?!).

You’re an ass.

FANTASY: The other day this kid told me that fantasy football was merely Dungeons and Dragons for jocks. Groups of males come together generally in a basement or garage of sorts (Draft Day), you pick your class (team starting positions) you duel (the games) by rolling dye (there is a good amount of chance i.e. Miles Austin with 250 yards and 2 TDs WTF?) and there is a Dungeon Master who decides the rules (League Commissioner)… The connections are disturbing and I didn’t know what to say to him. Should I punch him in the nose and break his already taped glasses the next time I see him or should I turn in my Strahan jersey for a cloak and concede to spending my nights watching G4TV while eating Hot Pockets with the realization of never getting laid again… even by Baby Farts McGeezaks.
Thanks,
-Never pulling his girlfriend’s finger.

Here’s what I want you to do: you find that nerdy little weasel who fed you that bullshit, and you beat him to within an inch of his life.

I’m gonna break this down Barney-style since — let’s be honest here — you seem a little slow: the difference between Drew Brees and an orc is that Drew Brees is real. He plays in actual football games every Sunday. Games that are attended by tens of thousands of fans, and watched on TV by millions more. And he gets paid millions of dollars to do it. And the people who play in fantasy football leagues go to bars to watch these very real football contests, and they drink beer with friends while they do it. And there are usually girls at these bars, even if they are only there because they are employees. Oh, and they pay a fee to be in these leagues, so there’s money on the line that depends on these real televised events.

In conclusion, yes, fantasy football is just like Dungeons and Dragons, except it involves gambling, actual popular events instead of imaginary characters, alcohol, and women.

KSK,
Just like the commenters, only fantasy this week, no sex.

Sweet. Another question to which I can half-ass my response.

I have to approve a trade in my 12 team league that is going be starting keepers at the end of the year. 2 keepers per team. The trade in question is from a 2-4 team (MJD, Megatron, Jones, and Burleson) to a 4-2 team (AP and TO). The 4-2 team will now be sporting a starting lineup of McNabb, MJD, Wayne, Gonzalez, Megatron, and Jones. Previously I’ve been the sole approver for trades, but this one has me confused. Is it ok to let a team trade away all of its talent for 1 keeper? TO is trash, so clearly this trade is for a guy that has value for next year. So, do I turn my key? Do I put it to a vote? Do I deny it, wielding the great power entrusted in my by 11 lazy football fans?

Please note that the 4-2 team owner and I have agreed to abide by your decision.

You realize that there’s more than one fucking Jones who plays a skill position in the NFL, right? Felix Jones? Julius Jones? No matter: the trade is fine. The 2-4 guy is a dipshit for giving up more than MJD and Megatron (or even as much as MJD and Megatron), but it’s not so egregious as to veto.

FACKers,
Fantasy: First, I traded Portis, Bowe, and Berrian in order to get Gore. Might be a risk considering Gore’s coming off injury but I have spent the majority of the season waiting for Portis’ shins to spontaneously explode and was itching to get rid of him. Think I made a good call?

Depends on your WRs. But at first glance, it’s a good trade assuming you got another player.

Second, RBs this week: Gore, Caddy, Maroney, and Bradshaw; WRs: DeSean Jackson, Ward, Sidney Rice, and Nicks. I’m thinking Gore, Maroney, Ward, and Rice for sure, would you rather do Jackson or Caddy at the flex (PPR)?

Would it fucking kill you to give me the matchups? Everybody else who writes in includes the players’ opponents. Are you inconsiderate, or do you just think you’re better than everyone else?

*looks up the fucking NINE matchups this asshole wants me to weigh in on*

All right, Cadillac is out because the Bucs are fucking terrible. That running game is fantasy cancer. I’m not big on Rice but he’s been producing better with Favre at QB; however, Nicks is playing at home against Arizona, whereas the Vikes are in Pittsburgh. And Jesus, DeSean’s playing the Redskins! How are you considering playing Cadillac Williams over him? Start DeSean.

Sex: For some reason I happened to find Drew’s old parenting blog and was reading the perfect fathers day post. Funny shit, but something caught my eye…the Cigarette girl outfit fantasy. It got me thinking, what are some other off the beaten path fantasies to try out? Me and the lady are trying to spice things up a bit.

Flapper vampires. Furry detectives. Priest/altar boy. Russian tsarina and the horse she had lowered onto the bed to fuck her. Is that off the beaten path enough?

Spicing it up needn’t be costume-related, you know. Back in college, my then-girlfriend got dressed to the nines and went to an after-hours hotspot (Chicago’s Mark II Lounge, if you must know. An absolute dump, but the northernmost Chicago bar open until 4 a.m.). I arrived twenty minutes after she did and took a seat a little ways down the bar. After a couple guys had tried talking to her, I went over, introduced myself, and bought her a drink. I fielded a stealthy thumbs-up from the bartender. We made small talk and didn’t stop the “perfect strangers” act until after we’d gone back to her place and engaged in freaky one-night stand sex.

That was over ten years ago, and I still remember it fondly. Maybe something similar can work for you and your wife.

What it be?
Sex: My girlfriend and I only get to see each other about once a week. On a recent visit, we’d gotten past all the “talking” and whatnot and were about to get down to business. She got me all hot and bothered and ready to go, then told me she was on her period. And she didn’t want to give me head. Plus she’s not down with anal. So I did what I figured any normal person would do. I started jacking off on her boobs. She was a little shocked and asked me something about not having any shame. I told her that no, I don’t have any shame, and I finished up all over her breastish region. Is my behavior especially abnormal? I figured it was her fault for teasing me, and she’s lucky I didn’t aim for her hair or eyes. Should I have handled this differently?

I generally encourage communication and mutual respect in the bedroom, but you know what? I like your moxie, sir. She painted you into a corner, and you painted her back. Bra. Vo.

Moving forward, she needs to be clear about when she’s having her period, and you two should discuss ways to satisfy each other during that time. And don’t rule out sex. It’s not that bad depending on how heavy her flow is — just put a dark towel on the bed or do it in the shower. There are very, very few reasons not to have sex, and a little blood is not one of them.

Fantasy: Which 2 running backs should I start this week out of Ronnie Brown (vs. New Orleans), Laurence Maroney (vs. Tampa Bay), and Larry Johnson (vs. San Diego)?
Thanks,
T Sperm

WOOF. You have to start TWO of those guys? Jesus. What, is Edgerrin James not on your roster?

Well, Brown’s in for sure. Maroney is useless but playing against a terrible team, while Johnson is useless and playing on a terrible team. So pick your poison. I’d probably go with Johnson just to avoid being fucked by Belichick’s whims.*

*(answer void if Sammy Morris doesn’t play)

Fellowship of the Cock Ring,

I have a dilemna of the sexual nature. So, an old girlfriend, in fact, my first girlfriend ever, found me online and we have been talking and sexting and it gets pretty naughty and dirty, and she is good with the “gooey” details. She wants to come visit…here’s where the dilemna comes in. I am disabled and have no feeling, thus function, in my nether-region..ok, fine, I’ll just say it – my linebacker is inactive. So, I feel like I should tell her this, because I am sure that she is under the impression that my “linebacker” is ready to sack. But, if I tell her, then the fun, dirty texting and conversations might end. On the flip side, my tongue works…that sounded bad, but you know what I mean. So, I could participate sexually to some degree. I’m at a loss here – help me out.
Thanks, DeActivated

Come on, pal. You know the answer to this already.You think things’ll be okay if she just shows up and you’re like, “p.s. My penis doesn’t work”?

Nope, you gotta sack up now. I recommend open communication with far fewer football metaphors. And you should read The Sun Also Rises by Hemingway if you haven’t already. There’s a fellow with your predicament who’s in love with a girl who loves him back. It’s not a happy ending, but you’ll at least have a famous literary character to identify with.

Dear Sirs,
I like filthy sex.

Join the club.

I like pulling hair, I like choking, I like spanking, I’ve tied a few girls up with scarves and long sleeve shirts but I’ve never used any toys or anything, no gimp masks. The problem is this doesn’t exactly foster a whole lot of respect for one’s partner. That is to say, treating girls like shit in bed tends to lead to treating them like shit in general. I would one day like to settle down and have a family and have no interest in treating my wife and childrens’ mother like shit. So my question is: is it possible to terrorize in the sack and still have a healthy relationship otherwise, or do I need to cut that shit out before some Thai maid finds me hanged from my balls in a closet?

Buddy, you’ve got a messed-up approach to sex. Treating girls like shit in bed does not — absolutely does NOT — necessitate treating them like shit in general. There are plenty of women who like all the things that you like in bed (I recommend finding a girl with daddy issues), but that kind of kink should be an extension of intimacy, not a behavior that you carry into the rest of the relationship. In fact, if your woman is giving you the filthy sex you desire, that should be incentive to you being a better boyfriend/husband/whatever. If she treats you right in the bedroom, how can you justify not treating her right outside of it?

Footballwise, Berrian @PIT or Manningham hosting el Buzzsaw?
Thanks,
-Z

Manningham.

Dear Ambassadors of Goodwill, Friendship and Ass,
Fantasy Football question, I’m loaded at WR (Randy Moss, Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward are my regulars) abnd , but I’m weak at QB with Jason Campbell and Tony Romo. I have Braylon Edwards who I grabbed as a prospect and am being offered the trade of Chad Henne for Braylon Edwards. I really don’t need Edwards and things are headed downhill for Washington, do I want to make this trade or can I try to shop Braylon around for more than just Chad? Looking at the schedule I could see starting Chad against Tampa Bay, Buffalo, Tennessee, and Jacksonsville but sitting him against the Pats, Saints and Steelers for sure.

(UPDATE – Sorry I missed this at first glance.) You can and should get MUCH better than Henne for Braylon. If you throw in a spare part like a backup running back, you should get someone of at least Roethlisberger’s fantasy stature.

I’ve been in a relationship for 9 months now, good relation, long term potential and fairly solid but of course I have a problem so I’m writing in. She steals magazines from coffee shops and doesn’t pick up her dog’s shit. On one hand these seem like stupid things to hold against an otherwise fine girlfriend, but my problem is with how she rationalizes them. On the dog shit for example, she’ll pick it up during the day but at night when she goes to take the dog she doesn’t even bother to grab a bag because she knows its dark and no one can see shit. I’ve called her out on this and she goes “Oh well, it’s a small dog and the shit isn’t big, no one will notice.” With the magazines she claims she takes them back when she goes in for coffee later in the week, but this pretty much a shit line since they’re all still sitting on coffee table.

My concern is not over the magazines, the dog shit and the other minor stuff along these lines that she pulls, it’s that she rationalizes it and only does it when she knows she won’t get caught. During the day when someone could see her, she cleans up after the dog, at night she doesn’t. So I find myself thinking “What else is she doing she knows/thinks she won’t get caught doing?” and it’s been eating me up. I have no reason not to trust her in terms of how she has acted to me, but if she’s willing to act this way I have no assurances I won’t be a victim of it someday. Also I have this fear that one day we’ll go out for coffee and get busted as she stuffs a week-old copy of Newsweek in her backup, that would be pretty damn humiliating to me. If she wants a 2 dollar magazine I’ll buy her a copy.

So do I have a valid concern here or am I overreacting over dog shit and Newsweek?
Thanks,
El Newsweek Bandito

You know what? You’re not overreacting. You, sir, are one of the few remaining people whose lives are driven by integrity and honesty. Your girlfriend is not one of those people. This is not to say that she doesn’t love you or that she isn’t an excellent and faithful girlfriend to you, for she may very well be both of those things and more.

However, I’ve seen a lot of relationships — and I’ve been in some myself — where the people involved are in love with each other, but they are fundamentally opposed to inherent aspects of the other person’s personality. “God,” they say, “this person is so close to perfect — if only they could get rid of their insane jealousy.” Well, the jealousy doesn’t magically go away, and neither (I would guess) will your girlfriend’s selfish habit of cutting corners. But if you care about her, you should definitely communicate your feelings on the subject. I mean, seriously: it’s just dog shit. I pick up big pieces of it every night on empty streets. Why? Because I’d be an asshole not to.

Anyway, as you have this discussion with her, keep in mind two things: (1) it doesn’t matter that it’s a small thing to her; it matters that it’s a big thing to you. And (2), operating under the assumption that the optimal end state for a relationship is marriage and a family, is this woman going to instill the same values in your children that you want instilled in them?

Funny how little pieces of shit can make for heavy subject matter.

I thought we’d be a bit short on quality submissions this week, then the reminder went up and we were slammed with dozens of emails. Obviously I couldn’t include all of them, but thanks to those of you who sent in questions. Especially those that didn’t suck. Let’s get started…

Dear KSK,

I’ve emailed the ‘bag before, as the “Is the finger in the butt during a bj ok?” guy.

Of course, nice to hear from you again.

That issue is in the past, and a new one has come to the forefront. What is the policy on consistently banging a chick that has a kid? I’m all of 24, and don’t have the slightest bit of interest in becoming a father/father figure for a very long time. However, this girl is very hot and I can actually put up with her for more than 30 minutes at a time. But whenever I’m around, I’m forced to hang out with a 3-year-old that I don’t want any part of. Should I just quit being a heartless pussy and suck it up?

If she’s bringing you around her kid then she’s probably more serious about the relationship than you are. Talk to her about the situation and find out where she stands. It’s entirely possible that she has zero interest in you as a father-figure for her child, in which case you’re free to keep seeing her without the pressure of playing that role. However, if you aren’t comfortable being around the kid at all, regardless of your role, then you should probably move on for everyone’s benefit. Surely you can find another potential mate whose presence you can tolerate.

And I’m torn between starting LaToe or Mendenhall. LT has the tougher matchup, while Mendenhall is now sharing with WillieToe Parker (see what I did there?)

-Andrew

This is easy enough. LaDainian has been crap all year and he goes up against Denver’s defense this week. Start Mendenhall against the Browns and don’t waste another minute mulling it over. Parker will get some carries, but not enough to warrant benching Mendenhall.

Finest Gentlemen on the Internet,

I have probably somehow the biggest pile of wide receiver crap in fantasy history (Berrian, Driver, Wallace, Moore) and I have to start 3 of these stiffs per week. I am ok at RB w/Forte, Bradshaw and the Gore/Coffee Combo (start 2). I have had a trade proposed to me where I would receive Bowe and Moreno for the San Fran duo. Would you pull the trigger?

Do it. Bowe immediately becomes your second best wide receiver, and he has plenty of room to improve this season.

Also, I have in a wedding this weekend any recommendations to score a little tail?

Single girls at a wedding want to get laid as badly as you do, so be prepared. Have a few drinks, but don’t get drunk. Make the rounds at the reception and be sociable with everyone. Then identify the best target and move in with some champagne. If she’s at all receptive to your advances then you’re going to have to do a little dancing. If you have skills, then good for you, dick. Otherwise grab another drink and try to maintain your confidence, even if feel like an asshole.

For further information on bagging a coveted bridesmaid check in with our friends at Holy Taco.

Thanks

High Council of Dickheadery,

Fantasy first: I’ve got a WR and a flex spot open this week, with the following possibilities: D Mason, S Rice, M Manningham, S Morris, C Taylor. Mason’s donut last week helped me to a 4-point loss, my first of the fucking season, so I feel like I’ve gotta bench him. I’m leaning towards Rice and Morris, but am not nearly overwhelmed by either option. What do I do?

Oh that’s a fucking crapshoot. Don’t bench Mason just because he’s coming off of a bad week, that’s how you wind up getting burned twice in a row. Morris is going to get consistent touches (19 last week) without Fred Taylor around, so I’d stick with him at the flex.

Now sex. I’m a senior at a good. small college with infamously unattractive girls. I’ve done fairly well myself, but in a place where girls look like they’re Steelers fans and where every guy is not only smart but is most likely an athlete, it can get rough even for a former football player like myself.

That’s an oddly douchey revelation.

Now I’ve got two girls this semester who I like and think are potential slampigs.

Oh, now I get it. You are a douche.

Girl A is younger, more attractive (short girl, was a dancer, grade A teetahs, funny), but is definitely a relationship type and girl B is a much MUCH less attractive senior who would be good for a fling but that’s about it. Oh ye Gurus of the Gay Mafia, to which of the two should I direct my time and effort? Time is of the essence.

Butterpants

Oh how I hate questions like this. Is it such a bad thing that Girl A is a “relationship” type? I understand that you may not be actively looking for a relationship, but if the options at your college are so limited then perhaps spending time and having sex with somebody you like isn’t the worst thing in the world. If you really are trying to avoid a relationship then why not just go after both? You’re in college, I’m pretty sure that’s allowed.

KSK,

Fantasy: 5 mediocre receivers (Eddie Royal vs SD, Torry Holt vsSTL, J.Maclin vs. Oak, Nate Washington vs NE, Anotnio Bryant vs Car) I can start 3, PPR league.

Philly spreads the ball around so much that you never can tell who is going to put up the numbers. Maclin exploded last week while DeSean Jackson didn’t do shit. Royal and Bryant are the two safest plays, after that it’s anybody’s guess. Holt will always be good for points, but he still hasn’t scored this season. Fuck it, play Maclin and hope Nnamdi Asomugha locks in on Jackson.

Sex: Do you believe that there is a difference between first degree and second degree cheating? I think that if you are going out of your way to meet up with another girl while you are married/have a girlfriend (premeditated or first degree cheating) it is inexcusable. However, a drunken hook-up or something of that nature, where you didn’t call the girl before hand and wouldn’t call her again (not premeditated, or second degree cheating) while wrong, shouldn’t destroy a relationship. Thoughts?

Whether or not there is a difference (of course there is, it’s similar to the difference between first-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter) it all depends on your significant other and your particular relationship. For a lot of girlfriends/wives (and boyfriends/husbands for that matter) cheating in either form is a deal-breaker, while other couples might be able to work things out over time.

KSKers,

Fantasy first: I’ve got Drew Brees and Joey Flacco on my fantasy team. Which one do I bench this week? vs. the Giants and vs. the Vikings if you don’t want to look offhand.

Brees.

Sex? Well if you say so…:

-TankGal

Oh lord, that’s hot. God damn, I wish I had some advice to offer but my brain seems to have stopped working.

You know what? Fuck your boss. That guy sounds like a dick.

KSK,

Fantasy: bye-week replacement at WR–Maclin @Oakland, Clayton @Min, Caldwell vs Hou

Maclin.

Sex: this girl i met two weeks ago made out with me at the bar after our first ‘date’, gave it up on our second (involving, to her infinite credit, coordinated thigh high socks AND matching black underwear).

Good combination. Lofty combination.

k whatever–she ALSO revealed that she is quote, “kinda really into Ren Faires”

Who the fuck is Ren Faires? Sounds French.

/Googles

Oh.

(going so far as to purchase an ‘Elizabethan Riding Gown’ that involved leather lace) and also reads “way too many romance novels”. should i flee in terror? her butt is quite comfortable and she has a delightful rack.

-RD

Nah, let’s wait and see how this one plays out. But I’m warning you, that rack better be every bit as delightful as you say.

KSK,

Screwed Twice in Texas

Don’t blame Del Rio, blame Walker for getting his dick wet after curfew.

KSK,

FF: I have Schaub, Ben, and Brady in a league where passing TDs are worth 4 and 25 yards is one point. Is it reasonable for me to offer Brady for Dallas Clark to replace John Carlson. Receiving TDs are worth 6 and 10 yards is one point. The other owner turned down a trade of Ben for Kevin Smith this past Saturday, though he does need a QB.

Don’t sell low on Brady, especially if it’s just to upgrade your tight end situation. As Ufford notes, Carlson’s numbers should improve with the Hass back in the saddle. If you are desperate for a new tight end maybe try packaging Schaub and Carlson.

Sex: I am 26 and finally moving out of my parents house. I am hoping to have sex in the apartment I move into. What should I do to accommodate potential lady friends in my new place/bedroom with it’s own bathroom?

- orange line

Good question. For this answer we’re going to bring in the female perspective…

“I had a guy roommate once who was ridiculously clean and tidy. Our apartment was impeccably decorated and his bed was always made. It was creepy. Women he brought home always reacted with raised eyebrows. Some thought he was gay. All of them were a little uncomfortable. Women expect a guy’s apartment to be in some sort of disarray. It makes you cute and a little pathetic, and it automatically makes us want to fix it.

That being said, there are a few things to keep in mind. First of all, make sure there are no razor clippings or manscaping leftovers in the bathroom. Aside from the visual proof that you often miss the seat, nothing is a bigger turn off. And while you’re at it, make sure there’s extra TP and a trash can in there. The place doesn’t have to be crazy clean, but keep the trash in the trash can. Oh, and clean sheets. A darker color will ensure that if you’re behind in the laundry it won’t be obvious (just watch the man juice stains). Keep a bottle of red wine around in case you bring home a classier girl (make sure you have at least two wine glasses), and always be able to offer water suitable for drinking. Oh, and keep the condoms handy, but not out. Women know that you’ve been with other women, they don’t need the visual reminder.”

Damn, the female perspective sure is wordy. Regardless, it’s damn good advice.

KSK,

Fantasy: half point per reception league, otherwise standard scoring. start 1 QB, 3 WR, 2 RB, 1 Flex. Should I sell high on Ronnie Brown and trade him and LeSean McCoy for Larry Fitzgerald? I already have Randy Moss, Megatron, Sims-Walker, and Lance Moore at wideout, and if I traded those 2 RBs it would leave me with only Pierre Thomas, Ray Rice, and Donald Brown at RB. I’m leaning towards doing the deal, especially with my big 3 wideouts’ bye weeks still coming up and Megatron looking like he won’t play this week. What do you think?

Don’t load up on elite wide receivers at the expense of your running backs. You do not want to leave yourself with Thomas, Rice, and Brown for the rest of the season. Keep that roster balanced.

Sex: My friend’s crazy girlfriend wants to set me up with one of her friends, who I presume is crazy as well. I figure there’s no harm in meeting her, but do you have any tried and true tips on dealing with crazy broads?

-MC

Go out on the date and maintain an open mind. If she does turn out to be as crazy as you expect then walk away and don’t look back.

KSK boys,

First, Fantasy in the form of trade help. I hold TO and Felix Jones. I have been offered a trade for TJ Houshmadaddy and Ricky Williams. Do I hold on to TO and hope he starts producing, or give him a cya? I really don’t want to let Felix the Cat go either, but worry about him getting-staying healthy. (I have him fingercuffed with Barber in this league cause suprise I thought it would be he who would be injury prone) I am undefeated in this league so far, so I am tempted to just keep things the way they are…

Stay where you are. Barber is an injury risk so you’ll want to have Felix available when he goes down. Ricky will have fewer opportunities to carry the bulk of the load than Jones.

Next, Sex. My guy and I live together, been together a bit and sex life is great. He travels out of town about twice a month for a weekend

Which weekend?

and during that time I am always good about sending him dirty texts or pictures while he is away and he loves it.

Oh, I thought you were going in a different direction there.

I just can’t get him to reciprocrate! He is a great guy, and is plenty un-shy and vocal when we are in the flesh, but won’t send me a pic of the meat to save his life. How the hell do I get him to play along? I think he is afraid to send me something I won’t like, but in the situation I don’t have him….I’d be happy with anything dirty he would send me. Help…

-C

Make it plainly evident how deeply you crave his cockmeat. If he’s still reticent it might be out of fear of what you’d do with the pictures if you two were to break up.

KSK,

FANTASY: I’ve got some interesting choices for Week 6 and I want your advice. Non-PPR, pick 2 RB’s (CJ @NE, Rice-a-roni @MIN, Portis vs. KC, Pierre vs. the G-Men), 2 WR (Roddy vs. Da Bears, Avery @Jac, Braylon vs. the Buffaloes, Bryant vs. CAR, Mason @MIN, Burleson vs. Zona) plus a runner up for the flex spot. At this point I figure Portis and Roddy are the two must plays, CJ and Pierre are probables, but I don’t like their matchups. I’m leaning towards Braylon, but Avery is tempting (coming off his best week against a team Burleson destroyed last week). Thoughts?

For the backs I say go with Johnson and Portis (he’s been hugely disappointing this year, but he’s had a ton of success against the Chiefs). As far as the wide receivers go, I’d play Roddy and Braylon.

SEX: I’m a workaholic and I haven’t tried to use my limited skills with the ladies recently, but I may be moving to a new city for work where I won’t know anybody and I’d like to hit the ground running, lest I become a total shut-in. I figure I should get out there and wet my feet (and something else) before I leave. Any advice on how to overcome the lack of time, energy and recent experience to succeed here before I succeed there?

If you’re too busy to socialize properly then you should try to meet women at places you frequent regularly, like the grocery store or a coffee shop. And try to not put too much pressure on yourself to meet somebody immediately.

*Insert stupid nickname here*

Howie

How redundant.

For those of you who may be wondering, we didn’t request your sex/fantasy football questions yesterday because we now get enough emails to power the mailbag without having to remind anyone. Oh my God! The mailbag — it’s self-sustaining!

Before we dive in, I’d like to offer up some fantasy talking points that stick out to me this week.

Trades: I’ve said in the past that we really don’t get a feeling for how the season is going to shape up until Week 4. Prior to that the sample size is just too small to figure out what’s a fluke and what’s a trend. So, unless you’ve lost a key starter for six weeks or more, I think it’s wise to hold off on making a trade until after this week’s games.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: I was high on Housh before the season, believing that he’d bring his trend of 100-catch seasons to Seattle. While I still believe his numbers will improve in the coming weeks, it’s obvious that both Seneca Wallace and Matt Hasselbeck prefer targeting Nate Burleson. I apologize to anyone who listened to me. If it’s any consolation, I also suggested you draft Matt Schaub.

The Jets: The Jets’ defense will F your fantasy team right in the A. In the first three weeks, they completely shut down Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Tom Brady, then held Chris Johnson under 100 yards rushing and without a touchdown. I’d never be so crazy to suggest benching Drew Brees this Sunday, but in the coming weeks be prepared for your players to struggle when they face Rex Ryan’s pussy-tubin’ crew.

Now then. On to your questions!

KSK,
i love my lady and she loves me. our sex is very good but not adventurous. neither of our sexual histories contain much pizazz. she has a birthday coming up and i’d like to add a little spice to our routine. Whats a good present for her? i want something thats a small addition to the bedroom, nothing that may indicate that i am freaky-deaky…just a dude wanting to make sure his lady is satisfied. Is it something as simple as a new posish?

That’s cool with me, it’s not my favorite but I’ll do it for you.

Some erotic literature, perhaps?

Erotic literature? No, not unless you two are lovers visiting from the 19th century, in which case erotic literature is exactly the thing you need to moisten her petticoats.

Seriously, I don’t know how vanilla your sex life is, so I’m kind of at a loss. For example, how much does the below Simpsons quote resonate with you?

Apu: Oh, Homer, we have tried everything. Gravity boots, Sanjay’s bed, every possible position.
Homer: Really? On top AND underneath?

Perhaps the gift of lingerie would be a nice way to add some spice without getting too crazy. If she’s not a big lingerie enthusiast or if she has body issues, go with a simple combination that includes a baby doll top: lacy, accentuates cleavage, hides the stomach. It’s the kind of gift that makes her feel sexier while turning you on more. Win-win.

Next year: French tickler, ball gag.

I have a friend who is a ‘Skins fan. Granted I feel bad for him because… well, the ‘Skins suck. How do I sympathize with him and, at the same time, tell him to shut the fuck up already because his incessant bitching has gone on none stop for the last decade?
Love,
me

Only the last decade? Fuck him, and fuck the rest of the ‘Skins fan base, too.

KSK,
Football: Standard 2 RB + flex (not PPR). I’m going with Brandon Jacobs @ KC but I’m uncertain about the other two spots. Ryan Grant @ MIN, McFadden @ HOU, Sproles @ PIT. I also have The Housh @ IND as a possibility for the flex. I’m leaning towards Grant and Sproles but Houston’s defense appears to have more gaping holes than Madonna.

Hooooo boy, you got a dilly of a pickle there. My first inclination was to say Grant and Sproles as well. Then I looked at the numbers for the starting running backs that Houston has faced so far:

Thomas Jones: 20 rushes for 107 yards, 2 TDs
Chris Johnson: 16 rushes for 197 yards, 9 catches for 87 yards, 3 TDs
Maurice Jones-Drew: 23 rushes for 119 yards, 4 catches for 28 yards, 3 TDs

The Steelers, while allowing Cedric Benson to have a decent week (76 yards and a TD on 16 carries), previously bottled up Chris Johnson and Matt Forte — even limiting their catches out of the backfield, which may not bode well for Sproles. Meanwhile, in Ryan Grant’s last three outings against the Vikings, he’s averaged 95 yards per game on 18 carries, with TDs in two of those games.

So assuming Ryan Grant is a go, does this mean start McFadden over Sproles? Maybe, maybe not: none of those stats change the fact that the Chargers are a good team with a good quarterback and the Raiders are a terrible team with a terrible quarterback. The more conservative fantasy football manager would probably go with Grant and Sproles; a gambling man wouldn’t want to miss out on the possibility of McFadden having a big day. Given that you have Grant and Jacobs holding it down at your #1 and #2 spots, I’d say live a little.

Sex: At what age do you think women become inherently against sex in a car? Apparently I’ve decided to try to relive my youth but I’m meeting resistance from the girl I’ve been seeing. And frankly, part of me thinks that she should be cool with it if she likes me (dating over a year), especially since we’re not talking a small confined space inside my car (Honda Element) and I make so much effort for privacy that it almost loses all of the excitement. Also, we’re only in our mid/late 20s which I feel means we should still be doing stupid shit like this.
Thanks,
wtf?

I don’t think it’s there’s a magical age where women stop wanting sex in cars — your mom seems to like it just fine. It’s more likely that in high school, the presence of parents necessitated sex in cars (depending on where/if you went to college, this may also be true of roommates). As women get into their mid-20s, they usually acquire things known as “their own apartment,” which likely includes a private “bedroom” with a soft, elevated surface known as a “bed.” These “beds” tend to be more spacious, comfortable, and private than any car you will ever own, no matter where you park it.

While she shouldn’t ignore your desires, and though I agree that it’s good to mix up your forni-location to add some spice to your sex life, perhaps you should intellectualize this a little bit. Maybe your mid/late 20s is EXACTLY the age you should STOP doing stupid shit like that.

Hello (insert unwitty joke) Gentlemen,
Football first: I had a great running back core to my team (Lynch, Gore, Portis, Hightower, Ricky Williams, F. Jackson). Then Frank Gore goes and gets hurt and Clinton Portis can’t run thanks to an inept passing game. I had it set up nicely with Marshawn Lynch coming off suspension this week. Now, I’m stuck. Gore is out, Portis may be as well. Tim Hightower is on bye, Williams is hit and miss, plus I have issues starting players who are playing against my Bills. It throws my Chi off or some shit. So, what are you feelings on starting both backs in a two back system, i.e. Jackson and Lynch? We start 2 RBs and 1 Flex.

Fuck your Bills. Start players against them.

That said, you pose an intriguing question: given a shitshow of useless RBs on your roster, could you start two running backs on the same team? The answer is yes, as long as those running backs are Chris Johnson and LenDale White, the year is 2008, and the Titans are playing the Lions on Thanksgiving.

The benefit of starting both Fred Jackson and Marshawn is that you’ll get the team’s entire running production. The bad news is that that team is the Buffalo Bills. Anyway, Dick Jauron has been hinting that because it’s Marshawn’s first week back and Jackson has done so well, Jackson will get the bulk of the carries. At the very least, start Jackson.

Sex: Uh, I’m about to get married. The sex is good, I love the girl. I really don’t have a question or problem here. Soooo, how about help with Fantasy so I can be in a good mood when I win and have lovely victory sex?
thanks guys.
-I hate the Dolphins.

Well la dee dah. Have fun losing on Sunday with your shitty running backs.

Dear Cunt Captains,
Football- A friend in a league I’m in is panicking about the depth of his WR core. He is willing to part ways with Ryan Grant for some below average to crappy WR’s. While I have a few crappy players I can throw into the trade to make it look better then is (i.e. Larry Johnson and/or Lee Evans) Is it worth parting ways with either Santonio Holmes or Brent Celek (whose had a damn good first few games) or both of them to take a chance on Grant?

Celek has been scoring — and will likely continue to score — at a rate so high above replacement-level that I wouldn’t consider trading him. Personally, I wouldn’t mind parting with Santonio to get Ryan Grant, but that opinion may be shaded by the fact that I never want to have Steelers on my fantasy team.

Sex- I’ve been dating this woman for a few weeks before which I hadn’t been laid in quite a long time, mostly cause I suck at life. She just recently got back into dating after a few months due to a recent break up which went bad. She broke it off cause the guy was moving out of country. He then called/texted/left notes on her car windshield and even left her a ring before he left. The dickhead is still bothering her today, (mostly through texting, instant messaging etc.). As expected, I believe this is affecting her ability to trust me so the whole relationship is going slow. Without being an asshole, in addition to raining holy hellfire down on her pussy ass piece of shit ex-boyfriend, how should I move things along in order to make her feel comfortable but also not be an ass?
-Thanks,
DA

This is a shitty question, because there are a lot of ways this could go depending on whatever feelings she has for the last guy or has developed for you.

My take: there is absolutely nothing you can do except lay it all on the line with her. I’d recommend explaining your feelings for her and your perception of how her previous relationship is inhibiting her present one, and then be prepared for the consequences: she either needs time to get her head right and work shit out, or you accept the fact that you at least get to enjoy her carnally while that asshole is thousands of miles away.

Of course, my opinion doesn’t rule out the possibility that she just needs someone to help her forget the last guy, and maybe you two can form a connection by making the ex the butt of your jokes, etc. But I wouldn’t bet on it. People who get out relationships and have crazy exes need time before they get into something serious again. I seriously doubt this is worth the drama.

Dear Gang of Sex,
Sex: My girlfriend was in a car crash (other driver was from Pennsylvania, natch) and got a huge Vicodin prescription. We tried fucking on Vicodin and while she says it prevents her from climaxing, it’s really good for me.

Her being on Vicodin is good for you?

So now I take my girlfriend’s Vicodin before we have sex.

Oh, okay. That makes more sense.

Do you think if I do this too much it’ll hurt my chances to peak once her prescription runs out?

I don’t see a problem, as long as you mix the Vicodin sex with regular sex. Make sure that it’s a special treat, not something you’re using every time.

Football: I have Percy Harvin and I want to sell high, especially since I’m set at WR but my RBs are Jacobs, McFadden, D. Brown and Stewart (we start 2). It’s a PPR league that otherwise has default scoring. What RB’s should I aim for in exchange for Harvin?
Best,
Bobby

The best ones you can get your hands on. The limiting factor here is demand; you’re only going to be able to move Harvin to a team that needs a wideout. So take a look at the rosters in your league and choose your target.

There was a commercial during Sons of Anarchy last night where this guy’s banging his wife and can’t stop thinking about his fantasy team… happens to me all the time(except I’m single.) I was already going to write in about that before I saw the ad, except there’s really no question there, it’s just pretty funny to be balls deep in some girl, worried about DeSean Jackson’s groin (did you see the split that asshole did? Questionable my ass. Whatevs I woulda lost anyway.) I guess I’d be interested to know if/where ladies minds wander during sex, shoes probably.

I’m just including this question because my day job compels me to say that, yes, “The League” looks fucking awesome. It premieres October 29th — four weeks hence — after “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” on FX.

Oh, and I don’t know what girls think about when they have sex with you. Me, probably.

Who should I start at D/ST while the Eagles are licking their wounds this week? I’m leaning towards the Niners hosting the Rams, but Cinci at Cleveland is available too.
-ZJF

Get Cincy, and get them now. Don’t be fooled by the Bengals’ shittiness: that’s a defensive unit that can play (lest you forget the pick-six that helped them get past the Steelers last week). Besides, Boller didn’t look all that bad last week after he came into the game.

Sultans of Twat,
Football first: should I trade Smirretime for Pierre Thomas in a non-PPR league? My WRs also include Housh (@Indy), Boldin (bye), Driver (@Min), and Something called a Mike Sims-Walker (@Ten). My RBs are DeAngelo (bye this week), Gore (out 3 weeks), McFadden (@Hou), Donald Brown (vs Sea), and Choice (@Denver). Do I need to make this trade, or can I ride out the bye/injury storm without giving up one of my strongest WRs?

There’s some discord here among the KSK ranks. Flubby thinks you’re fine standing pat; Drew thinks you should make the trade for Thomas if it’s straight up; flubby thinks that Thomas is going to get relegated back to second string when Mike Bell gets back; Drew says not with the way Thomas played last week.

The reality is that you know Hines will continue to start and play and produce, while Pierre may get his carries cut as Bell comes back. Here’s the deal: McFadden and Choice are strong plays this week, Driver and Ward are great starting WRs, and you can put Housh or Brown (or even Sims-Walker) in for an acceptable flex. That gets you through DeAngelo’s bye week and buys you some time to figure out more options.

Sex: I loves me my girlfriend, but I can’t for the life of me get her to tend her pubic-garden on a regular basis. I’ve tried coming clean to her and explaining that it hinders my desire to go down on her–to which she responds that she will take care of it–but there is rarely any follow-through. I’m not asking that she keeps herself to a constant routine of brazilian waxes (nice though it would be), but I think it’s fair, since I keep meself all tidy-like for her.
Thanks. Or go fuck yourselves if you don’t help,
-At a loss for Wards

I myself hope to see a vagina up close one day, and I can only pray that the lucky woman in question has enough decency and human compassion to tend to her bush, not like the inhuman monster you’re unfortunate enough to date.  Regarding your question, flubby says:

Why not offer to assist her with the grooming after a hot shower?  Foreplay and some hedge trimming in one fell swoop.

Hello (Too-Wordy, Not Nearly Clever Enough Description of You Guys),
Football: I’m in a 12 team league with two RB positions and no flex. My starting RBs (Gore and Kevin Smith) are both hurt (though Smith is going to play against the Bears). I picked up Glen Coffee as protection, but between Smith (against the Bears), Coffee (vs. the Rams) and Donald Brown (Seattle), which is the best starting pair?

The Rams are fucking terrible, and Coffee’s going to get 20 or more touches. Definitely start him. And I’d give Smith a slight edge over Brown — the Bears are a tougher defense, but Smith is likely to get more touches.

Side question: How the fuck did DeSean Jackson become the top-scoring fantasy WR?

Yards and touchdowns, mostly.

Sex: My fiance can’t take birth control, so our sex life still revolves around condoms (plus some serious on-the-rag action). I don’t necessarily mind the condom, but is there a better alternative than getting a vasectomy? Ever experiment with fucking terrible ideas like the rhythm method?
-Anonymous

All right, first things first, as I give you the necessary RESPONSIBLE answer: condoms and/or birth control are the best ways to prevent pregnancy (I pretend abstinence doesn’t exist), and — though the chances are slim — your girlfriend actually CAN get pregnant while having her period.

And now for the much-more-fun OTHER OPTIONS: Your lady can always do it old-school and get a diaphragm, you can get spermicidal lubricant at just about any pharmacy, and I recommend you pull out and ejaculate wherever you feel like — her stomach, her breasts, her mouth, those silk throw pillows you never liked. Hey, she should thank you for being thoughtful enough to consider your family planning concerns.

Football – Should I start Philip Rivers against the Pittsburgh defense, or Jay Cutler against the Lions? My league starts one QB, with standard Yahoo scoring.

That’s a tough one, but standard Yahoo scoring projects Cutler to get 17 points, Rivers to get 12. Ordinarily Yahoo projections make me want to strangle Andy Behrens, but five points is a pretty big gap. Not to mention you KNOW the Steelers have a solid D, you KNOW the Lions are bad, plus Cutler’s at home while Rivers is away. So I guess… start Cutler. (Famous last words, those.)

Sex – I’m a fat, virgin, high school senior, and i’m just fine with that. Should i get off my ass and try to shave some inches, or just stick to wanking it in my socks? i leave my future to you.

Well, you should get off your ass and lose some inches, but not to get laid. You should do it because you want to walk up stairs without getting winded, because you don’t want to develop diabetes, because you like being able to see your toes, because the older you get the harder it is to get physically fit. Basically, you should want to lose some weight because you’ll feel better and live longer (and probably have more sex, too).

Which isn’t to say that looking more attractive to the opposite sex can’t be a motivating factor for taking care of yourself — you just need to keep in mind that losing weight won’t automatically get you laid. There’s still the whole aspect of talking to girls and impressing them enough to the point where they want to get naked with you. I mean, I’m reasonably thin and perfectly comfortable speaking to the opposite sec, and I still don’t get laid very often.

…perhaps it has something to do with staying in at night and writing a column about fantasy football. Call me, ladies!

A couple recurring themes this week, in both the letters we answer and the multitudes upon multitudes we simply didn’t have room or time for. Primarily, fantasy owners are worried about the slow starts from Matt Forte and Steve Slaton, and a surprisingly high number of you don’t know if you should start Felix Jones even though Marion Barber pulled his quadriceps. Oh, and you all have messed up notions of what women should be willing to do in the bedroom, but that’s nothing new.

Let’s kick things off with an email that will make you feel better about your miserable life, shall we?

KSK,
Football: Pick 2. MJD vs Texans, D-Will vs Cowboys, Felix Jones vs Panthers, or Cadillac vs Giants. I’m leaning towards MJD just cause of what Chris Johnson did last week and Felix cause it looks like MB3 is out.

Sex: what’s the cleanest way to jerk off in your room? I don’t want to use socks or any clothes cause i don’t want to do laundry that often. i never get people who can just use some kleenex cause it’ll be all messy and stuff, and it’s a drag to clean up after you’ve blown your load.
-AL

So let’s get this straight: you’re looking on tips for masturbation clean-up, because you’re too lazy to do laundry and tissue is supposedly too messy (um, it’s not: you just throw the Kleenex away). I’d recommend masturbating in the shower, but I get the feeling that’s “too much effort” and “unnecessarily cleansing.” AND you need advice on whether to start Maurice Jones-Drew, a consensus top-four draft pick who’s averaging 103 yards a week.

Yes, start MJD and Felix. Next question.

Kind sirs,
Sex first, as it should be. Recently my friend was afflicted with a crippling case of yellow fever. I think he needs to make an effort to get the blinders off, as he is severely limiting his options. His argument is that, because a girl being Asian is such a turn on right now for him, he has expanded his interests to girls who don’t usually get as much attention and his hook up prospects are actually better. What’s the official KSK take on this?

The official KSK take is mind your own damn business and let your friend be interested in the girls he’s attracted to.

Football: I start 3 WR in a standard scoring league, no ppr. Calvin Johnson and Santonio Holmes are locks. Who should fill my third hole out [hee hee! -Ed.] of Jerricho Cotchery (vs. Ten), Percy Harvin (SF), and Patrick Crayton (Car)?

Tough call. Cotchery has the most yards of any of the three but hasn’t found the end zone yet this year. Harvin’s fantasy points are a little higher because he’s gotten into the end zone each of the first two weeks, which is nice but you can’t reasonably expect it every week. And as for Crayton, well, Carolina sucks. I don’t think any of them are a bad option as a #3 this week, but I’d probably lean toward Harvin.

Dear Mogrels of Manmeat,

Mogrels?

sexy time first: So I started seeing this girl about a month ago, and about 2 weeks ago we made the sex for the first time. Well, since then, its been nonstop aggression on her part to do it all the time. This is awesome, I get it. This is not my question. The other day I was over at her place and the second I walked in she locked me into her room to do the deed. A bit later after we had finished and started cooking dinner, she accosted me again. After dinner she again takes me into her room for round 3. In retrospect this is a great evening, but by round 3 I was worried that between the restrictions of a condom and an empty tank, I wouldn’t be able to “perform” up to par. So I was hesitating a bit and didn’t go along too much. So then she says “what can I do to make you have sex with me?”. For some reason a total asshole douche took over my brain and I said, “try not being so easy”. What I meant to convey was “try playing hard to get” or something less dick and offensive like that. That didn’t go over well. I’ll spare you the details, but she hasn’t responded to my calls, emails, or texts since. I’m not an asshole, just a fucking idiot. Got any suggestions for my next move?

Unsilent: Sounds like she’s just playing hard to get like you asked.

Well, sometimes guys just blow it. Admittedly, that wondrous and small percentage of the female population that crave dick all the time can get frustrating, especially in the clingy aftermath when she’s trying to jump-start your dick and you just want her to magically turn into a sandwich.

Can you get her back? I dunno, part of it depends on her ability to forgive, and part of it depends on the detail of your apology. If you haven’t already laid out a full explanation and apology in an email that includes everything you find great about her and — this part is important — where you’d like to try to take the once-burgeoning relationship, then you should do that. Otherwise, considering your previous texts/voicemails/emails, it may be best to accept defeat and move on.

Football: 2 lineup recommendations for a 14 team, non PPL league, all regular scoring. Favre v SF, or Warner (yep my QBs combined ago is 80ish, so what?) v Indy. Flex position do I use C Stuckey v Tenn or Leon Washington v Tenn?
-Stupid and sexless

Warner and Washington.

Prominent Procurers of Poon:
Sex: My first wife died about three years ago of ovarian cancer.

Jack Black in High Fidelity: “Drag.” *takes bite of sandwich*

Sorry, I just think about that scene every time someone says something sad.

I’m only 42 and have been dating again for the past year or so, and I’m getting serious with a really cool woman in her mid-thirties. Problem: I have a tattoo of my first wife’s name on my shoulder. We were totally batshit in love, and I had no worries about getting the tattoo because I was sure she would outlive me. My new girlfriend didn’t freak about the ink since I had already told her the story, but now that we’re considering moving in together, she says she doesn’t want the tat to be there over the long term — she’s fine with my other ink, just not that one. I totally understand her concern, but my wife was a naughty little saint and I feel a lot of guilt about either removing the tattoo or covering it with another design. I’m not asking who’s right — I think we both are — but who has priority in terms of standing their ground?

On one hand, I see her point. It’s reasonable to not want your lover to have the name of a previous amour tattooed on them. On the other hand, FUCK THAT NOISE. It’s not like your dead wife is gonna steal you away from your new girlfriend. I think she needs to have a little sympathy here.

Fantasy: In auction drafting AP, Slaton, Julius Jones, and Rivers, I used most of my salary cap and ended up with a mediocre group of WRs (Cribbs, Holt, Avery). Cribbs is okay because we score on kick returns, and I’ve picked up Kenny Britt and Johnny Knox, who look promising but aren’t reliable yet. In the short term, my WR corps is weak. I’m looking to trade either Slaton or Jones for a legit WR, but I’m not sure how much trade value they have given their underperformance so far. We start a QB, 2 RBs, and 3 WRs (no flex) in a PPR league. What’s the trade value of either Slaton or Jones right now? Note: I have Slaton’s handcuff (C. Brown) and would be willing to trade him too for a premiere WR.
-Ted in Tedville

Slaton’s trade value is crap because he hasn’t performed up to snuff. Julius Jones had a good first week, but he isn’t the kind of back that’ll land you the kind of WR you want unless you package him with someone else.

I like the Knox pick-up. See how he does against Seattle’s beat-up D this Sunday before you go trading anyone.

Dear Knowers of All Things Poon,
My friends and I were watching Maury the other day and it was an episode about women who became men. The he/shes were jacked and were wearing man sweaters, and looked like dudes, but still had vaginas. Naturally the question was asked if you had sex with this person as a male, would that make you gay? One side says yes, because they’re a dude, the other says no, because they have a vagina. I’m trapped in the middle leaning towards kinda gay.

Trick question! You’re all gay for watching “Maury.”

Also I took Crabbytree in one of the latter rounds in my keeper league, do you think he’s going to play this year or is he purely a value pick for later on?
Thanks,
Horrified Trannywatcher

It doesn’t matter if Crabtree plays or not this year: even if he did come to terms in time to play, he’s not in game shape and he’s too far behind to be a worthwhile fantasy play. Wide receiver is a tough position to adjust to from college to the NFL, and that’s why there aren’t many rookie wideouts who have an immediate fantasy impact (Colston, Boldin, DeSean, and Megatron are some notable exceptions). But the ones that hold out and miss training camp don’t just magically catch up to speed and become playmakers during the season.

Dear Anthropomorphic Super Soakers (but with sperm),
Fantasy Football: Do you think I should Start Anquan Boldin when I have Devery Henderson, Bowe, Manningham, and Driver to start in the three possible roster slots?

I’d still start Boldin. You should always lean toward playing top-tier talent, even if they’ve been disappointing. You’re so deep at receiver you can afford to trade one of those guys to shore up another position where you’re weak — I’d try to trade Manningham while his value is at its peak — fantasy players always overvalue the most recent performance, especially if it’s nationally televised during primetime.

Sex: My girlfriend of six months won’t talk about her dating history beyond a two years ago, we’re both 26. It isn’t that she didn’t date, so I know there is something to talk about. She’s a recent transplant to the city, so all of her friends that I have met only have known her the two years. and I like her a lot but her refusal to talk about this is making me worried that one day, when I am in too deep, a giant ball of crazy will replace my girlfriend. Does this make me an asshole?
-Kyle

flubby provides this quote: “All them shy women that you meet, they never from the town you meet them in. They always from somewhere else. Then they come to your town and get shy. Get the fuck out of here. They afraid to talk because they think a bone is gonna fly out their mouth or some shit.” -Eddie Murphy, Raw

I don’t think you have to worry about a “giant ball of crazy.” It’s more likely she’s just ashamed of her dating past. It’s understandable to be concerned about her past, but speaking from experience here, it’s more important to dwell on how she treats you and makes you feel in the present and future than what she did in the past.

KSK,
football: I need one of these 3 for a PPR: not-so-fast Willie Parker @ CIN, Steve Smith the Lesser @ TB, or Lee Evans (yeah I’m the asshole who has Lee Evans) vs NO. I also start the high-promise no-reward trio of Forte, Randy Moss, and Portis.

Wow, that is a fantasy crap factory. As much as it pains me, I’d suggest Lee Evans because of the inevitable shootout the Saints will provide.

sex: I learned in high school that girls think my dad is hot. It’s weird to me, since I think of him as the guy who falls asleep on the couch with his gut hanging out and his hand in the Fritos bag, but throughout high school I couldn’t get laid to save my life but I had no shortage of female friends and acquaintances telling me how they wanted to sleep with my father. It sucked at the time, but then i got older and had better luck in college and now I like to think he finally looks old, but should I continue to be weirded out by this or just look forward to the fact that I’ll finally grow into my look when I’m 50 or so?

Which brings me to my present dilemma. My dad directs a church choir, which I used to be in and now am not, being older and with better things to do. 2 weeks ago he had to miss for an emergency and I filled in for him, which was fine, except now there’s an unquestionably hot older woman (40 I believe) in the choir who wants my sex. I’ve known her since I was in middle school(and she was in her 30s), and I wanted to fuck her then, and now that I actually can, I’m wondering if this would be a horribly bad idea/if it would put my dad in enough of an awkward spot if he ever found out to not go through with it? It probably would, but then again how often does one get to fulfill one’s middle school sex fantasies?
Sincerely,
Silver Fox in Training

flubby:

Gentlemen,

What are your feelings about guys owning a male masturbator? I think it would be a nice change of pace from my right hand, but I hesitate to buy one because it seems really creepy. Sex toys seem to be something used exclusively by females. Am I being irrational, or should we just add this to the list of sexual double standards for men and women?

You know what’s a good change of pace from your right hand? Your left.

Off-limits if you ever want to have sex with a woman: fleshlights, RealDolls, pocket pussies, and whatever else is offered in the male sex toy category. Acceptable: pretty much any kind of porn on the Internet. Trust me, that’s enough.

As for fantasy, how worried should I be about Matt Forte?
Thanks,
CJ

Only mildly. Man, everybody’s shitting their pants after two weeks. This Sunday, Forte’s going up against a Seahawks defense that will be missing game-changing DT Brandon Mebane, while MLB Lofa Tatupu is doubtful. If he still disappoints, you can raise the Matt Forte Warning Level from ochre to burnt sienna.

Staff,
Football: I have Steve Slaton and Joseph Addai on my roster and really haven’t gotten shit out of them in the first two weeks. I have the Eagle’s D who feasted on Carolina, but got torched by Breesus. Are either of these guys valuable trade bait for a different D or should I just hope for a turn around and play the wire for a good weekly D matchup?

Yeah, and that’s the same Eagles D that gave you somewhere between 25 and 40 points during Week 1. If you trade any of your skill position players for a different defense you’re a fucking idiot.

Sex: I am proud to say that my wife gave birth to our second daughter in July, but unlike our first daughter she is nursing now. The result of her nursing has been one breast hanging out about 50% of the day, which 3 years ago would have been good stuff. I have been helping out as much as I can and inadvertantly have seen a lot of breast feeding in action. I am hoping that one of the writers with kids can help me out here. Will I ever be able to enjoy myself with those warlocks or will the image of my 7 lb. baby nursing be forever burnt in my memory? Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life without enjoying my wife’s sweet sweet titties?
-Boobless in Bloomington.

flub: After having to do without for months, I’m sure you’ll be back at those funbags first chance you get. I know I did.

Dear guys I’m using to try and rationalize my bad behavior (fantasy and sex-wise),
I’m a 5th year senior and last friday I fooled around with two hot freshman at the same time. We weren’t sober the first time but the second time we were. I feel like the gods of ass were going through a checklist and somebody yelled, “Hey! We’ve really fucked this guy and he’s about to graduate. Throw him two hot freshman and a three-way.” My friends say I’m a creep. What’s your take?

Our take is you’re bragging online about your conquest. Eat a dick.

Also, my running back situation is Steven Jackson and DMac with YesShawn, Beanie Wells and Cedric Benson on the bench. My WR’s are Colston, Moss (the good one, football-wise) and Chad85. Who are you starting this week with a 2/2/flex league. It’s a 10 team league so I’m considering selling high on Colston or 85 and getting another RB, too…
Sincerely,
Winger Fan

Start all three of those wideouts. And yes, your running backs suck. Benson’s actually not a bad play: he consistently gets 20-25 touches, and the Bengals don’t use a secondary back to vulture any goal-line carries. But I’d still probably start Jackson and McFadden, because I’m a pussy.

Wyld Stallyns–
Football: Start 3–Felix (vs Carolina and assuming Marion bitches out), Tiny Darren (vs Miami, ditto for Latoe), Slaton (vs Jax), Mike Burner (@ Pats), McFadden (vs Denver), Addai (@ Ari)

Felix/Darren/Slaton.

That Sweet, That Nasty, That Gushy Stuff:

Just fucking write “sex,” okay? This is a 3000+ word column in which we leave out thousands more words worth of other people’s emails. Stop being cute.

While any sex is enjoyable, I really like freaky stuff–I don’t care if I am the one dishing it out or taking it, but in particular I feel that sex is only enjoyable if somebody is being dominated (obviously with mutual consent).

What I don’t have is any blueprint for bringing this up/securing this in the bedroom…so do you guys have a ‘best practices’ for the ‘i would enjoy this more if you sat on my face and called me awful things’ sorts of conversation/follow through?
-gg all-in

Two ways to go about that: (1) a steady relationship, (2) Craigslist.

Dear KSK,
For some reason my cock is much longer (by at least a half inch) and has much more girth when I first wake up in the morning. I also tend to go longer by at least a few minutes. The problem is that my wife is the type that likes to sleep in and can be a complete bee-yatch before noon. How do I either get my cock bigger at night, or get my wife to want to fuck in the morning?

Sounds like you need to take a job where you work the third shift.

Football: Who are the top candidates to be stolen away from dumb owners who panic after the first two weeks? Brady comes to mind as a good target.
Thanks bitches

Judging by the dozens of emails we got about people freaking out about Steve Slaton and Matt Forte, I’d say Steve Slaton and Matt Forte.

Well, that was fun. Same time next week?

The jailbait in the photo is someone who commenter FEAST claims is named Brandii Breaston, which doesn’t sound like a real name to me at all. You may recognize her from this Sexy Friday. We rolled her back out because our last letter today features teenage female masturbation, and I prefer to think of Brandii — if that is here real name — as underage.

But first, this question:

If you guys are so smart about sex and football, explain to me why I can’t get my wife to blow me during Monday Night Football?

flubby: I dunno, someone beat you to it?

BOOM. Roasted.

Let’s get on with this. Up next, an update from the 29-year-old gentleman who wondered if he should accept the advances of the 20-year-old he once babysat.

At the behest of everyone calling me a pussy I manned up and had my 20 year old former babysittee over this past weekend. I sprung for the bus ticket and everything. I commend each of you, because that shit was awesome and the twinge of guilt I wrote in about vanished as soon as she sat on my lap. I am thinking of making this a not-infrequent occurence. Thanks KSK/Kommenters.

Fantasy: Welker @ Jets, A. Bryant @ Buf, Jennings vs Cin, Coles @ GB, Breaston @ Jac. I can start three.
- small town

Welker and Jennings are no-brainers. Antonio Bryant’s been having trouble with his knee, and also he’s Antonio Bryant. Fucking useless bastard (NOTE: I own him for the second straight year, yay!). However, all my seething hatred aside, I don’t particularly like Breaston as a third option. I’d actually lean toward starting Bryant.

Hey KSexK Sages
fantasy: start Jason Campbell vs. Rams or Matt Schaub versus Ten,

Egad. Campbell?  Depends on whether you want to go with the more favorable matchup, or the “Texans will be behind so Schaub will be throwing it a lot” approach.

and 5 choose 2, slaton, fred jackson, j-stew, caddy williams, ronnie brown.

Can you people PLEASE include matchups when you send in questions? *looks up schedule*

Okay, I’d go with Slaton, Fred Jackson, and Cadillac. A lot of people are down on Slaton after that horrendous showing in Week 1. Keep in mind, though, that that’s a Jets defense that may very well be stingier than the Titans this year. And Slaton’s a first-round pick in most leagues — it’d be knee-jerk reaction to bench him after just one week. (None of those five are terrible options though.)

sex: Is it worth it to fuck 2 one night stands in one night, if the second one is a 4/10, who you’ve fucked before with, and a crazy bitch? Got into this situation last weekend, and decided against it.
thanks,
broncos fan

Unsilent Majority says: My immediate reactions…
- That’s not a one-night stand.
- Asking somebody to validate your decision to pass up sex is annoying.
- Ranking women on a scale of 1-10 is for assholes.
- Columbia is for annoying assholes. [this was regarding the sender's email address]
– Fuck the Broncos

Oh, and Schaub should get it going, but Cortland Finnegan is the type of cornerback who can slow down Andre Johnson. Might be a good idea to look into a third option. Didn’t want to forget the fantasy advice.

Funkmasters of Flex,

PPR league, flex position, do I start Kevin Smith against the purple pickle eating/sniffing vikings or do I go with Addai against the faggots from Miami?

Blech. Addai, I guess.

I usually clean the pipes to youporn atleast once, maybe twice a day. I basically never get to know myself better without the use of internet video because it just makes the process easier than using my spank bank. The girlfriend thinks that 1. it’s a problem that I never crank it without a computer and 2. I do it way too much. She is wrong, right?
-Just some fucking guy

Unsilent again: No, women suddenly acquired a deeper understanding of male masturbatory habits than men.

Yes, she’s wrong.

I would add this: If your girlfriend thinks you’re masturbating too much, maybe you should try having more sex with her more often. Also, if you only ever jerk it to porn (and that often), you’re setting yourself up for potential problems with your sex life down the road. Not serious David Carradine-type problems, just the kind of problems where it’s ten years later, you no longer have the youthful horniness, and you can’t get it up for your wife unless you fantasize about porn when you’re with her. Something to consider. Try it the old-fashioned closed-eyes style from time to time, using the mental “highlight reel” from your sexual experience.

Gentlemen,

Football: For my league’s bizarre qb/wr/rb flex spot, should I go with a gametime decision Matt Cassell, or LenDale? Also, how fucked up is a league in which such a flex spot exists?

Fuck, man. Is this the league where QBs get six points for throwing touchdowns and an extra point for Monday night games and a fumble is only -0.5 points if it’s raining UNLESS someone in the league posts a YouTube video of camels fighting llamas? I can’t keep every condition of every league straight, you know.

I’ll say this: I watched about half of the Jets game last week, and the Texans’ run D looked fairly stout, but I’m still starting LenDale this week — over LaDainian Tomlinson, who’s already injured again. Surprise. Hey, did you ever notice how LaDainian and LenDale both have a capital L and D in their names? Good story, right?

Sex: My lovely girlfriend is recovering from a yeast infection. She’s finished taking her antibiotics, and says she’s perfectly healthy. But I can’t get past the mental images of grossness and have relations with her yet. Although logically I’m sure she’s clean, how can I convince myself to get back on that horse?

Start kissing her and fondling her breasts. Your penis will take it from there.

Sex-Type Thing- Question: I am a reasonably attractive (I swear, I am at least an 8), intelligent, confident female who enjoys football very, very much. I have a raunchy sense of humor (I read you guys, right?), am a good cook, never nag, and am pretty sane. My question is, why do guys always insist they want to date a woman like me, but end up with less attractive women who not only like Lifetime movies over MNF, but are usually bitchy and nasty too?

[Insert "Why do squirrels swim on their backs" joke /dick joke here]

Oh, I think I know that joke. Q: Why do squirrels swim on their backs? A: Because they grew up admiring Olympic gold medalist Lenny Krayzelburg.

Lady, the commenters are gonna have a field day with you: no one’s an 8 without photo evidence. Everyone thinks they’re more attractive than they really are, because when they look in the mirror they know the way to pose to make themselves look the best. And everyone gives themselves an extra point because they think their scintillating personality raises them up to a higher plane of attractiveness. Well, it doesn’t.

Embarrassing anecdote to prove my point: when I moved to New York, I very briefly tried online dating, because I only knew three people in the city and whatever fuck you I don’t have to justify it. I would send funny, entertaining messages to attractive women who I thought were my equals in looks, and they never responded back to me. And I got messages from women who I thought weren’t attractive enough to date. The reality is you’re probably not an 8. But it’s okay: I’m not an 8 either. I think that I am, but in reality I’ve got terrible bags under my eyes, I’m super pale, and I’m losing the battle with the post-30 spare tire.

Of course, I could be wrong. I’m completely talking out of my ass here. If you’re actually good-looking and sane and you cook and don’t nag and you like football, yet men don’t want to date you, then by all means leave your phone number in the comments section. You’ll be flooded with suitors — all of them self-proclaimed 8s who will be below your standards.

Football question: Do you think it is even remotely possible that my home team, the Saints, can possibly win the Super Bowl this year? I mean even a .0005% chance. Because I am thinking, if we cannot do it now with Drew Breejus the offensive machine, it’s never, ever gonna happen.
Thanks,
Ann Rice, er- I mean, L.A. Woman

Absolutely it’s possible. In fact, the Saints are on pace for a 16-0 season.

Okay, sex first. No this is another “how do I get anal” or “does this girl who clearly doesn’t like me like me”? This is more a general question. I don’t think I like blowjobs. I’ve gotten a fair number of attempts (a decent number, 15 or so girls have tried), but its only once in a blue moon that they are able to finish me off, and one girl ever, who I dated for two years and took it as a personal challenge, could do it with any consistency (still once in a blue moon). My question is twofold: Is this unusual, given the fair number of girls who have taken a crack at it, or could it just be that I’ve been cursed with poor fellators? Second part of the question: is there any good way to parlay this into straight-up sex when hooking up with a girl for the first (or second, or whenever) time, rather than letting her try (and fail) to get me off from a bj?

is it unusual to not come from blowjobs? No, not at all. Many men, accustomed to getting off from the jackhammer of sex and masturbation, have trouble with the somewhat more intricate act of fellatio — and many women never learn a good technique. Which is why I recommend dating a Jewish girl.

Anyway, there’s still a lot to enjoy about blowjobs — so tell your gal that you like it as foreplay on the way to sex.

Now Fantasy: I have both Joseph Addai and Donald Brown as a handcuff in an 8 team league with a lot of freely available talent. Question is, is it worth it to keep either of these when I’ve got Portis, Kevin Smith, and Steve Slaton available to take up my 2RB and 1 RB/WR position, and no backup QB. Should I cut either (or both) of these given how terrible they both looked in the opener? It doesn’t seem like any of the running back problems from last year have been fixed. Giving some perspective about the players available on Waivers include Matt Hasselbeck, Jonathan Stewart, Tim Hightower, Lance Moore…
Thanks,
BJ TwoColt

Fuck me if I know. But I wouldn’t want to have both Addai and Brown and no backup QB.

Football: As fortune would have it, I was obliged to be at a business event out of town in late August and away from a computer at the exact time my fantasy league was drafting. I’m in a long standing league with a bunch of buddies who took advantage of my predicament to try to screw my draft in every way possible. Despite their best efforts I ended up with a decent running back tandem (Jacobs, Westbrook), a reasonable WR core (White (ATL), Bowe, Houshmandzadeh) and good supporting figures (Clark TE, Longwell K, Giants D). But I am weak at QB (Schaub, Delhomme).

And how!

So on the basis of week 1 performance should I offer a trade to one of my buddies who has 3 QBs (Rodgers, Romo, Cassel)? Is a straight Schaub/Romo trade a good deal given he has Forte and Portis as his 2 RBs and played Rodgers as his QB in Rd 1?

Well, it would certainly be good for you. But your league mate would be insane to make that trade based only on Week 1 performance (which is NOT to say that Romo will have a better year than Schaub, mind you). Before the season I was excited about Schaub breaking out this year; now I’m worried about him breaking down. Still, barring season-ending injuries, I think the best thing to do is NOT rush a trade after the first week of the season.

Or are there better offers out on the waiver wire (one guy has Campbell & Eli (I can see Kogod biting on this one?))

I don’t know who’s on your waiver wire, but probably not.

Sex: OK, here’s where it gets interesting. (I can hear you salivating).

Actually, you can’t. I don’t start salivating when someone says a sex story is interesting. Gonna need some more information, pal.

My wife and I are both on our second marriage. We both brought a child to the relationship (she a sixteen year old girl, me a ten year old boy). We are all – after all having suffered a couple of years of divorce hell – really, REALLY happy together. Joy permeates our household. We love each other very much, and our kids get on, my wife loves my son, I love her daughter, it’s all good times in our place.

So, last week I came home from work one lunchtime, which I don’t often do. I was walking through the house and happened to see my step-daughter in her room masturbating excitedly

/salivating

while wearing my college football jersey and nothing else. Luckily I recognized what was happening quickly enough to move on without her noticing or seeing me and left the house before she knew I had been at home. When I got home that night my jersey was back in its rightful place in my dresser. I was sure what happened – there are no other Sydney University Rugby No 15 sweaters in our house.

I have no intention of mentioning this incident to my stepdaughter- she deserves her sexual privacy – and I sure as hell won’t mention it to my wife who has no need to know. We have a pact not to interfere with our children’s sexual development unless we see it step outside the normal, and this is not abnormal. But I wonder – and this is where your inspired, depraved minds may come in – where is the point at which a young girl’s sexual fantasies may affect her relationships with her authority figures? I want to be her confidant and friend, but not her fantasy. Am I overstating things to think that she fantasizes about me because I saw her masturbate while wearing my rugby jumper once? I don’t know. You’re more in touch with sixteen year olds than I am – thought I’d ask,
-jimbo

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to assume that she was masturbating to you, but I wouldn’t assume that for my own sanity.

I have to ask: is she hot? Because OH MAN that would be trouble. Knowing that your hot underage stepdaughter was masturbating to you. Sleeping in tiny little shorts in that bedroom down the hall. Leaning over the table wearing that tank top that makes you uncomfortable. Walking around in a towel after a shower. Oh ho ho, that would be a fiery hell. I love it.

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

One week — just ONE WEEK — it would be nice if our readers were all, “Hey, I don’t have any sex problems to share with you, but I took this photo of my hot girlfriend hooking up with this other girl.” That would be nice. I’d like that.

Unfortunately, most of you are unattractive and thus have problems. And we’ve got answers. Well, maybe not answers, but they’re definitely responses. Apologies to the many many of you who wrote in needing help on whom to start in your flex position. I mean for fantasy football. Although “flex position” sounds like something I’d like to try with a girl. Preferably a college gymnast.

Gentlemen,
Football: This year, I’m playing fantasy football for the first time. I did my homework and feel pretty good about my results from the just-finished draft. I got two solid QBs (Brady and Rivers) and good depth at RB (Forte, Steve Slaton, Addai, LenWhale, and tiny Darren). I’m weaker at TE (Greg Olsen and Shiancoe) and WR (Welkah, Ward, Donnie Avery, Deion Branch), and ended up with one kicker (Gould) and the Vikings’ defense. Now I’m wondering, what do I need to be doing during the season? How important are the kicker and defense positions? Do I need to worry about my wide receivers? League has 10 teams, head to head, and the roster is QB/3 WR/2 RB/TE/K/DEF, with 6 bench players. I prepared for the draft, but I don’t want to look like the clueless newbie I am as the season continues.

You have two top-tier quarterbacks, and you lack depth at wide receiver. Either Rivers or Brady is redundant. Trade one of them to get a WR who’s solid week-to-week — Avery and Branch leave too much room to disappoint. I’d suggest this: Rivers or Brady and one of your backup RBs for a top-tier receiver and a backup QB.

Relationship: I’ve been dating a girl for a year now. I really like her, things are going well, sex is good, etc. Recently, she said we should think about moving in together. I told her that, while I was very happy with her, I like what we have and am not ready to move in together. I can tell this is still bothering her, but I haven’t brought it up again. Is this something I need to discuss, or do I just hope it blows over? Part of what’s bothering her, I think, is that I’m going back to school this winter (8 years after graduating with a useless history degree), will be working full time, and she thinks we’ll never see each other. I told her I’ll make the time to spend with her, but she’s not reassured.
Newbie

Yeah, if you can tell it still bothers her, then you need to talk about it. For whatever reason, girls LOVE talking about problems. Talk talk talk, always complaining about shit, and she just wants you to sit there and listen when JESUS CHRIST, JUST FIX THE PROBLEM AND STOP TALKING ABOUT IT ALREADY.

Anyway, talking about it more and reassuring her that you’ll still see her all the time will probably help a little, but let’s be clear about one thing: she wants to move in together not because she’s afraid she’ll see you less, but because she wants to sink her hooks into you further, so that eventually you’ll give her a ring and marry her and impregnate her. Women get men the way boa constrictors kill their prey. She already has names picked out for your first three children, I guarantee it.

Protectors of the pleasurable pussy,
Fantasy- Need a little help with a trade. Possible deal of me giving up Ryan Grant for T.O. and Donnie Brown. I’m pretty shallow at WR and somewhat deep at RB. My RB’s: AP, J-Stewart, Felix Jones, Justin Fargas. My WR’s: Anthony Gonzalez, Santonio Holmes, Jeremy Maclin, Nate Washington, Hakeem Nicks, Antwaan Randle El. 12 Team league, ESPN standard scoring. Deal or no deal?

I like that deal. Pull the trigger.

Sex- I’ve been with several different girls who all despise getting jizzed on. And it pisses me off cuz I would love nothing other than to shoot my load on their faces. Do you have any idea (based on personal experience or surveys) what percent of the female population approves of facials? And what state they live in?
As Ghandi once famously said, “Eh, Tits!”

I think the problem might have something to do with you being an asshole. Try getting involved in a relationship where you respect the woman as a friend and partner. Those kinds of girls are generally more willing to be adventurous in bed.

(Land) Barons of Buggery,

My girlfriend in college just finished a summer internship at Planned Parenthood. Apparently they filled her head with all sorts of horror stories of women getting knocked up despite being on the pill and using condoms. Now, when we’re having sex, she insists that I pull out right before I finish while still wearing a condom. I’ve assented, because I’m not Jerramy Stevens; but I thought not having to pull out was one of the selling points of using a condom in the first place. I think she’s being neurotic, but how can I approach her about this issue without making her self-conscious/pissed off?

Well, yes: people do get pregnant even while using effective birth control methods like condoms and the pill. However, if you’re in a monogamous relationship and your girlfriend is on the pill, SWEET FUCKING CHRIST get rid of the condoms already! You can even offer to pull out and come on her. I hear from our readers that’s a desirable thing to do.

With every day I’m getting more nervous about starting Chris Johnson at Pittsburgh. I have Beanie Wells (vs SF) and Fred Jackson (@NE) on my bench. Are either of those two a better play than Chris given the defense? (For context, I have Thomas Jones in my other RB slot, and Andre Johnson, Colston and Anthony Gonzalez in my WR and flex slots).

Eesh. I dunno man. I’d bench Johnson and start Fred Jackson, but I also have a tendency to overthink things and play matchups instead of proven talent. So take that for what it’s worth.

Dear KSK,
I grew up in a small town in western Mass. There is a family that has been long standing family friends and their youngest daughter has recently expressed interest in coming to visit and sleeping over, which she made clear means she wants sex. I am 29 and she is 20, I have no problem with the age difference, plus she has grown in to a pretty hot piece of ass. Here is my quandary, I was literally at the hospital the day she was born, I have watched her grow up from infancy to the smoking hot young lass she is now. My question is, am I a pussy for being a little gunshy about fucking a girl I babysat from when she was age 4 up? What is your opinion about this? I am kind of afraid of small town politics.

Well, it’s okay to have some conflicted feelings here. That’s your conscience speaking on behalf of societal norms. But I think I speak for everyone in the room when I say you need to hit that hot little piece. I mean WEAR IT OUT. Put a saddle on that filly and ride her through Injun country all the way to California. Give her the Pony Express and don’t stop except to eat and sleep.

And please, let us know it goes.

Fantasy Football:
I play in an IDP league, my team defenseive players are Orakpo, Antoine Cason, Maualuga, T. Suggs, D. Manning and Demps, My Starting offense consists of Brees, M. Turner, Chris Johnson, Ronnie Brown (in the flex), Jennings, Welker, Antonio Bryant and Chris Cooley. Do I need to make moves to shore up the Defense or is the offense enough to overshadow and shortcomings I may have on the defensive side?
- No Desire to be Run out of town

No idea. You IDP people are weird. Check the comments, maybe there’s another freak like you who can help.

Oh ye blog writers who are weekly subjected to a stream of unfunny names,
Due to a bout of indecisiveness during my fantasy draft, I got autodrafted Brandon Marshall, leaving me kinda f’d in the a at WR. That said: Marshall, Nate Burleson, or Domenik Hixon?

Ugh. Crappy scenario. Hixon? I guess?

What are the rules and/or ethics of trolling “adult” chatrooms whilst in the confines of a relationship?

Don’t do it.

Gentlemen,
In my draft I totally screwed things up by drafting two players RB’s who share the same bye week. It’s Slaton and B. Jacobs. What’s the best way to handle this? Should I try to trade one of them? Thus far my offers include – Addai, DeAngelo Williams, Gore, and Ronnie Brown for either one of them. Or is it best to just assume a loss that week and keep them both?

You can get DeAngelo Williams for either Slaton or Brandon Jacobs? I hope you’ve already made that trade. Keep Slaton if it’s PPR; otherwise I’d hold on to Jacobs.

Finally – what’s the official KSK stance on distance in a relationship? How far is too far and how often do both parties need to see each other to keep things somewhat serious? In this particular situation – the distance between the two cities is 400+ miles (Between Charlotte and New Orleans)
-Rob D.

Every week, someone writes in asking for an “official stance” on something that varies wildly from person to person. “What’s the official stance on how many girls a man should sleep with before getting married?” etc.

Get yourself some Skype and a frequent flyer program. 400 miles ain’t shit if you’re in love.

Sex: I travel often for work. I was in St. Louis last year, met a girl and hooked up, err tried to hook up. I, let’s say, had difficulties performing. I was pretty drunk and blah blah blah, a couple weeks later I’m back on the road. We’ve remained friends after that with her giving me playful jabs about it and frequently tells me how she wants to try again, and even how she wants to date. I’m at home in Chicago beating the girls off with a stick (or beating my stick over girls, whatever) but I’ve got a nice rotation of ladies going right now and 1.5 million or so other ladies (less young and elderly) to select from here. She’s now in Jefferson City Missouri where not only are there no black people (we’re both colored, as Kerry Collins would say), but no suitable people to date. I think this is why she’d like to see me, because she doesn’t have any better options. She wants me to come this weekend and hang out with her in her shitbag town, sex is guaranteed. I don’t particularly want to go because it’s a 7 hour drive or a $300 flight plus a 2 hour train, for a person who I’m not dating, who I fought with more than I fucked when we hung out. I would like to set the record straight to her that I can bring the ruckus to the ladies. What should I do?

Pffft. Unless this is the hottest girl you’ve ever been with, stay in Chicago. Besides, it’s football season: you don’t want to be traveling while the games are on.

Football: I think the Raiders will make the playoffs this year. Stout defense, and if Run DMC is worth anything they’ll have a middling offense. Am I retarded?

Yes.

Dear Cheerleaders of Chikan,
Sex first. I have me a lovely latina girlfriend who has tried anal in the past. She didn’t like it much though due to pain. I’m sure the last guy was probably just an asshole about it and ruined it for the rest of us. What would be a good way to convince her I’ll be the gentle sensitive type and please open the gate to the hershey highway?

Congratulations! You’re the 1000th reader to ask about how to get anal sex from your girlfriend! You win a lifetime supply of go fuck yourself!

And for Football: I have Hasselbeck and Roethlisberger for QB’s. Should I start healthy Hasselbeck against piss poor St. Louis? Or take Ben Roethlisberger against the Tennessee Titans? He had over 300 yards and 2 TDs last year when he played them, and should be fresher now. Help me out.

I’d go with Hasselbeck. Not because I’m a homer, but because — again — I overthink things and tend to play the guys going against shitty defenses.

I recently dated a chick, we got to the 3rd date in less than a week, other nights we talked on phone, and on the 3rd date she gave me the dreaded, “I want to just be friends.” speech. She claims to have had such a great time, that despite not feeling a click, she gave me another chance etc….assuming she’s not bullshitting out the ass, wtf? Do I stay friends and see if I can exit the friend zone or am I dead in the water? I can’t quite wrap my head around it, it’s just…weird.

She’s not attracted to you. Sorry pal.

Football: call me crazy, but barring injuries (long term ones really), I don’t see anything stopping the Steelers from repeating.

I won’t call you crazy. I’ll call you retarded. Have you never watched playoff football before?

Is it me, or does Tomlin seem to do a better job than Cowher in getting his guys to play hard and smart? I kinda loved the replays of Cowher looking like he was going to punch a player for being retarded (here’s looking at you, Plaxico); but every AFC Championship game he lost, there was always that kind of thing happening (dumb penalties on key 3rd downs, massive brain farts, etc). Tomlin seems to be excited but not as crazy when a bad hop happens. Is it evil to like Tomlin over Cowher Power? :)
SteelersPride

So what’s your FANTASY FOOTBALL question? Ugh, Steelers fans. Anyway, I turned this one over to Christmas Ape. He says:

Cowher was coach for 14 years. People got attached to him, as did I. He drafted most of the current roster. There’s a feeling, fair or no, that his imprint remains on the team. Tomlin has done exceeding well with that talent and not shown some of the late season fuckups that marked the Cowher tenure.

So there you go. To recap: Steelers fans worry that they love one awesome coach who won a Super Bowl better than another awesome coach who won a Super Bowl. This is why we hate you.

We got several questions this week talking about their auto-draft leagues. This makes sense to precisely none of us at KSK, as the draft is one of the best parts about being in a fantasy league. It’s essential in giving your league a sense of competitive camaraderie. So I have to ask: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHY??? Stop it. Don’t create auto-draft leagues, and don’t join auto-draft leagues. Period. They’re stupid.

Now then. Let’s get on with your assortment of more specific questions.

Dick Joke Dispensary:
Football: 12 team league, standard scoring, I got Fitty and Brady at the end of the 1st/start of the second, but now have 2 separate trades on the table to turn Fitty in to Brees and Brady into Forte. Deals or no deals? And if it makes a difference, the Fitty/Brees deal is with my week 1 opponent.

I’d take both deals, as long as your depth at WR isn’t a problem. Brees and Brady are pretty much a wash, with Brees having slightly more potential because of the likelihood that the Saints will be losing more games and throwing more as a result. And barring injury, Forte will almost certainly produce more points more consistently.  There’s no doubt that Fitty is one of the best receivers in the game, but he’s overvalued due to his superhuman playoff performance.

Sex: I’ve been 3000 miles away from my girlfriend for about 3 months now because of work, and return home in 3-4 weeks. What’s the official Gay Mafia position on Beat-Off Cut-Off Date (BOCOD?)
–Blue Balls McGee

I read somewhere that the average man is fully “recharged” within a day of his last ejaculation. But I’m guessing you want to give your lady an extra-large blast while getting your toes curled, so I’d say between two and four days — however long you can wait without it affecting your sleep patterns and your ability to go on a plane without jacking it at 30,000 feet just because the girl next to you smells nice.

Also, take note: did you see how short that question was? That was awesome. MOAR KWESHTUNS LIKE THAT PLZ

Dear masters of your respective domains,
Sex first: I’ve been seeing a girl for about two and a half months, and although the sex is frequent and not terrible, she has never had an orgasm. Not from intercourse, foreplay, or oral, and not for lack of trying. She claims that nobody other than herself has ever given her an orgasm. I’ve definitely had my fair share of success with other girls using the same techniques I’m using with her, so although I’m no Casanova (and no Santonio Holmes, for that matter), I do know that I’m not totally inept in bed. Also, I’ve asked her to show me how she does it to herself, but she says she’s too self-conscious.

So the question: how long do I keep trying? She’s cool, smart, fun, good looking, but I can’t go on indefinitely having sex with someone who is too self-conscious to ever come. It’s like jerking off but having to buy your hand a movie ticket first. What would you do?

Oof. Tough one. For me, making my partner come is as rewarding mentally as my own orgasm is physically, so I definitely sympathize. Look at it this way: relationships require intimacy and communication. If she isn’t willing to share what works for her with you, then it’s not just unsatisfying sex you’re having: it’s something fundamentally wrong with your fledgling relationship.

Fantasy: My lineup is looking strong for week one, with the exception of my flex spot, which is up for grabs while Marshawn Lynch is suspended. My other options are not attractive, and I need your help to choose the least of these evils: Fred Jackson (@NE), Lee Evans (@NE), Santana Moss (@NYG), or Jamal Lewis (MIN). Jesus, how did I wind up with this much of Buffalo’s shitty offense on my bench?
-Ryan

Good Lord, was it part of your plan to have all your possible flex spots play tough defenses? Lewis is definitely out: with Chad Greenway EJ Henderson healthy this year, Minnesota’s front seven is one of the nastiest in the league. I’d cross Evans off the list until I see how many looks T.O. is getting per game affects him. That leaves Moss and Jackson. I’d lean towards Moss because he’s a #1 receiver and has more upside as a constant threat to score, but Jackson might have less of a downside.

Dear writers of this silly weblog about football and related nonesuch,
Any advice on taking on the biggest negatives of having sex with a 7 month pregnant wife? She was about 105 pounds with nice firm and perky tits this time last year. Sweetest little tuchus I’ve ever been sat on by. She kept the nice ass, the melons are now full and we actually now have underboobage. But on one hand, it’s now like having sex with a chick with a huge beer belly. On the other hand, that’s my kid in there, and in 2 months he’s coming out of there. Turn off to say the least. Trying a lot of spooning sex, so the belly is out of view, but if i even grab a boob, I wind up brushing against that belly. I’m already not looking forward to however many weeks after the kid is born that sex is not going to happen, not to mention the 18 years after that.

Whatever, dude. Pregnant chicks are hot. You don’t like her, send her my way.

FF- most likely to be carrying the load by week 8 and putting up numbers that would consider a starting spot in a league with 2RB’s and 2 flex WR/RB: Donald Brown, James Davis or Glen Coffee?
Thanks Duderinos
-B

Coffee had 129 yards on 16 carries in his second preseason game. Davis had 116 yards on 12 carries in his second preseason games. Those games were against the Raiders and Lions, respectively. Go with Brown: Yahoo’s so-called fantasy experts rank him 29th out of all running backs, while the other two are both in the 50s.

Dear Gay Ess Gay,
Football: Deangelo Wiliams fucking killed me last year in the title game, as I’m sure he did many others, but with Delhomme at QB, I feel like defenses might stack 8-9 in the box to shut him down.  Any wildly speculative ideas about a player who could pull the same “underperformed for years but has the capability to finally go batshit insane” card this year?

Wow, that’s a tough one. I’m more of a “gamble on rookies” guy than a “take a chance on the annual disappointment” guy, but I think there are a couple of candidates here. There’s a lot of chatter about Santonio Holmes, who hovered around 800-900 yards his first three years, having a breakout year now that he’s caught a Super Bowl-winning TD pass. And why not? It did wonders for Plaxico Burress.

Some other candidates: Carson Palmer was brilliant in 2006 but somewhat disappointing in ‘07 and injured most of ‘08. That, combined with the loss of Houshmandzadeh, has made him potentially undervalued. I think the addition of Laveranues Coles makes him worth a chance, especially in the 8th round if you miss out on the studs like Brees and Brady. Also, there’s big talk of Rex Reed using Leon Washington a lot more in the Jets’ offense, and Washington’s unresolved contract situation means he’ll be churning for every yard he can get. And finally, I wouldn’t look past Laurence Maroney as a value pick. He’s one Fred Taylor injury away from a starting spot and breaking out in his fourth season. But Fred Taylor always stays healthy, right?

Sex: Speaking of stuffed boxes, Punte’s Sexy Friday post last week introduced me to IsSheFilthy.com.  Scrolling down the front page, I was faced with an issue: I know girl #572.

Isn’t it touching the way the Internet brings people together?

She’s a friend of a friend, so we’re not close at all, but I’m 100% sure it’s her (Facebook-stalking verified the shirt and necklace, often worn together, but proved inconclusive as to the penis in her mouth).  She is most definitely not a pornstar/stripper, as I feel some of the girls on the site probably are.  Now I’m trying to figure out how to play this situation.

A little backstory: I have previous experience in this arena.  About five years ago, a roommate of mine directed me to a very adult website where there were pictures and a video preview featuring a girl we knew getting railed and taking a money shot (a slutty chick who slept with most of our fraternity, and who had dated one of our friends on and off).  Our first thought was to call our friend and tell him, but he didn’t pick up.  After .06 seconds of deliberating, we opted to call everyone we knew.  The fallout was hilarious.  Except for the part where our friend realized she did the porno while they were dating and went on a self-hating 4-day bender, chasing hard drugs with Jim Beam.  That was only hilarious in retrospect.

So what do I do here?  I’m now a recovering frat boy who realizes there are consequences to such “awesome” actions as calling everyone I know.  Girl #572 is now engaged, to a guy who I’m fairly sure is not attached to the penis in question. I think I could safely direct a couple people to the site without ruining her life, but that could also spiral out of control.  Is part of being an adult just jumping on grenades like this to avoid the collateral damage?

What’s the official KSK protocol for handing filth flarn filth on the Internet starring someone you know?
Always,
DG

There is no KSK protocol for this; we handle it on a case-by-case basis. While your caution in your approach to this is commendable, it’s important to remember that you’re not responsible for any part of this — from the taking of the photos to their online publication. However, as I learned with Allison Stokke, dissemination of an image can still make you look like a bad guy. I think you can share that with a few trusted friends. Let them share your burden of knowledge.

Dear Lords of Blogtown,
Football first; I am commissioner of a 10 team league. Within the league there is a good mix of the experienced, those that wait until the draft day to look at football news but have participated in a FF league before, a complete newbie, and unfortunately, a functionally retarded individual (who’s participated before as well). In preparation for our live draft I did all of the research and mock-drafts that I felt were necessary for my own well being. However, I knew that most of the league would not do the same. I created draft kits for everyone, (read: printed out ESPN’s Player rankings and top 200), and created a spreadsheet so that they could keep track of their selections as the evening progressed. The player rankings were printed 2 pages-per-sheet, so there were 2 columns of names on each page (this is important). We start drafting, and the individual with the 7th overall pick in the draft takes (by round):

1. LT
2. Portis
3. Santonio Holmes
4. Matt Cassel
5. Santana Moss
6. Chris Cooley
7. Demetrius Williams….

….and so on, with bad decisions abounding. It suffices to say that the group was ripping on him beginning at round 1, as his selections were questionable (the Portis pick is ok as far as I am concerned, but it was a homer move for him). He stated that he was drunk and it was my fault for giving him beer.

Your friend is an asshole and a sorry excuse for a man. You don’t blame people for getting you drunk; you thank them.

He had had 2 miller lights and 2 Natty Boh’s in about 4 hours, as we started drinking a little before the draft.

Is your friend a girl in high school?

About half way through round 10 he looks down at the sheets that I had created and utters the following: “oh crap! there is a whole other column of people on the right!”. The group spends a solid 10 minutes crushing him for being functionally retarded. His excuses for not recognizing letters on right varied and included: “I thought it was the players stats, so I didn’t pay attention to it”, “when you were picking people I didn’t see (read: Wes Welker, Anquan Boldin, and Tom Brady) I thought their numbers had dropped off and the rest of you were stupid or something”. His team is a disaster, and I have no sympathies for him, as I stayed sober enough to run the draft and manage reasonable picks. This is all his own doing. However, I am curious if the collective brain trust of KSK feels that his impending season of doom is punishment enough, or if I should inflict something else upon this moron. Either this year or next is fine. Ultimately, by posting an answer you may accomplish this for me, as a few of the participants in the league are regulars to your sight, and having his failures forever preserved in the anoles of the internet may accomplish this.

I believe you mean “annals” of the Internet. But yes, I’d say his impending disaster of a year is punishment enough.

Now onto sex; I have a friend who’s been on and off with this girl for a couple of years. Mostly off the majority of last year. They talk on the regular, but don’t go out or bang anymore. She wanted to take a break (read: bang other dudes), he agreed as it freed him up to be social with his friends, as he tends to abandon his boys when he’s with a woman. However, he refers to her as his: Quasi-Girlfriend, and refuses to look at other women. He has stated that he doesn’t want to marry this girl as she is a little too crazy. She’s a complete waste of space as far as we (collective of his male friends and few females familiar with the situation) are concerned. I have tried to have serious conversations with him about it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. He is obviously not happy, as I have witnessed what that in our years of friendship, but have not seen it since just after they first started dating. Is there something that I am not saying right? How do I be-rid this succubus? Or, do I resign myself it watching him suffer and give up? Oh, yeah, both questions are about the same guy….
-Friend to the mentally-impotent

You can’t fix stupid. Tell him you’re going to take him to see the rabbits, and put a bullet through his skull.

Friends, Romans, countrymen,
Sex first – Whether or not you think the friend zone actually exists, I think everybody can agree that being told the target of your affections just wants to stay friends with you is close to a death sentence for your chances of getting in her pants. What I want to know is how much of a death sentence is it? Do I have room to manoeuvre or should I write her off entirely because it’s never going to happen?

“How much of a death sentence is it?” It’s a death sentence, buddy. The wisdom of The Princess Bride aside, no one’s gonna feel your corpse and determine you’re only “mostly dead.”

Football second – Between getting Welkah in round 4 of a 12-team PPR draft, Lee Evans in round 6 and Kellen Winslow in round 7, I think I’m doing well so far,

Lee Evans and you think you’re doing well? Hey, it’s your funeral, buddy. (”But how much of a funeral is it?”)

but I got given the Redskins’ defensive unit when I missed a pick. Should I invest another pick in a credible #2 DST unit and play the matchups, or is Washington good enough that I can afford to try my luck with what’s left on waivers each week?
- A.

*rubs temples*

*sighs*

Do not use a second draft pick on a defense.

Dear KSK,
Football: So I have a league where I get 6 pts for passing touch, -2 pick and 20 yards a point. I have draft position 5, I have decided on a QB becuase of scoring, do I go with Brady and all the question marks surrounding him, or do I go with the sure thing in Brees, and how soon is too soon to draft a backup since a QB alone could win the league under the scoring system?

Conventional wisdom says Brees is the #1 fantasy QB this year. That’s the same thing conventional wisdom said about Brady last year. But I think they’ll both have excellent seasons.

Sex: So here’s my deal, I am 28 and my girlfriend of 4 years, who I loved very much, broke up with me 5 weeks ago (I was planning on asking the question this fall). There was no infidelity or anything like that she told me she was just miserable in the relationship and wanted out. I obviously did not want to break up and made that point clear to her. I know I can be tough to deal with, but I assure you I am becoming a better man as I get older, more the person she wanted me to be (and I want to be too). Now in the 5 weeks I have ‘relations’ with a couple of girls, but I really have only felt worse about my situation. My friends knowing how I feel are constantly on me about going out with them and talking to new chicks. But I also know I could lose some weight and could work on some things about myself. My question is this; am I better off continuing to go out with my friends all the time and hoping to meet a new chick, or should I take some time lose some weight and get myself right before jumping into the pool?
-Heartbroken

Sounds like you already know the answer. When you’re happy with who you are as a person, the other pieces of life tend to fall into place.

Vultures of the Vulva,
Sex: I’m newly single about six months ago. I’m 24 and have pretty much had a girlfriend since I was 17. Not the same girl, 3 different ones with 1-2 months in between. I was just wondering how much masturbation is too much masturbation? It’s not like I was getting laid twice a day or anything, but since I became single if I don’t beat the meat 2-3 times a day I’m a walking hard on and probably not the best to be around. I feel like I’m 15 again. Is it sad?

Six months isn’t “newly” single. Six months is you’ve been single for half a year.

How much masturbation is too much masturbation? It depends on the person. If your penis is raw, it’s too much masturbation. If it affects your sex life or your work negatively, it’s too much masturbation. It’s not sad unless it’s a problem. Wanker.

Football: How do you guys see McFadden doing this year?
Thanks guys,
Howie

I try to avoid players on lousy teams, but he can probably be a viable #2 RB for you. You want a prediction?

*shoves hand in ass, pulls it out*

1100 yards, seven touchdowns. There ya go. Keep in mind that I know very little about the Raiders and have no basis or reasoning for that prediction.

Flubby,
I just read your Ricky Williams post. I happen to be from Downers Grove, IL. Notice there is no apostrophe in the name. Also, if you were trying to pick a prototypical small, sleepy midwestern town, as the reference implies, you are mistaken. Downers Grove is a suburb of Chicago with a large population and is actually pretty happenin’. So suck on that. But now since I’m writing I guess I’ll contribute to the mailbag.

Flubby responds: “I routinely get by with wild misstatements of material fact and a lack of any real insight into the game, but people love calling out tiny mistakes in my superfluous embellishments. I once had a commenter dispute my alleged number of Zaxby’s restaurants in Dothan, Alabama. I’m just glad someone’s paying attention.”

Sex – For the married guys, how much tail chasing is enough before you are ready to settle down and be happy with a family? I’m looking for a specific number or range of numbers here.

Then you’re looking at it the wrong way. You’re ready to settle down and be happy with a family when you find a person you love and want to have a family with. There’s no “Whew! I finally fucked my 30th chick, now I can get married” mark.

FFootball – I was burned by Tom Brady last year. A lot of people are ranking him significantly lower than he was before ‘08-’09 and I’m not entirely convinced as to why that is. Do you honestly think any quarterback will have better numbers? Is he worth taking top five? Top three with RBBC (running back by committee) disease spreading through the league? Bonus: How do you feel about Ronnie Brown?
- Bix Weedman

I think Brees will have slightly better numbers, but I agree that Brady’s slightly underrated going into fantasy draft season. But no, he isn’t a top-five pick.

I don’t understand your RBBC question because of the stilted syntax, but I can tell you that Ronnie Brown is probably a little too high on most draft boards. His one gigantic game last year produced a halo effect around a year that was largely inconsistent.

Gentlemen (I’ve never understood all the insulting introductions),
At a recent University BBQ for returning Study Abroad students and newly arrived exchange students, I met an Austrian girl who was asking me about how dating works in America, which I thought might be a slow-play, or could be just general curiosity, so I didn’t do much with it. I then find out the next day on Facebook that she has a boyfriend back home in Vienna, and am now confused. Why would she be asking about dating in America when she has a boyfriend back home, unless she was planning on dating in America in spite of said boyfriend?

She’s planning on dating in America in spite of said boyfriend.

I have Portis (@NYG), LenWhale (@Pit), and Ahmad Bradshaw (Was) as my fantasy RB’s. Which two ought I start week 1?

Eek. I had LenDale last year, and he was great to have when he got into the end zone, which was most games. But against a tough run D like Pittsburgh? He could end up with a zero. I’d go with Portis for sure, and… ehhhhh… Bradshaw, I guess. Definitely Bradshaw if it’s a PPR league.

Dear Authors of the Annals of Anal,
Whilst in the throes of passion recently my wife told me that I should “stick it anywhere I wanted” and naturally, as an avid KSK mailbag reader, the first thing I thought was that I should stick it in her ass. I ended up not going the sphincter route because we’ve never even talked about anal and also because I could easily picture myself getting punched in the balls while my wife yelled “I wouldn’t have told you to stick it anywhere if I thought you wanted to stick it there, you sick freak!” (Such is the wisdom that comes with 11 years of marriage.) However, the more I think about it the more I think the possibility might exist and I plan on broaching the idea of anal sometime soon, probably after a grand romantic gesture and a bottle of wine or two. My only hesitation is that I’ve heard the horror stories of guys having their dicks shat upon and can’t imagine a bigger turnoff. So my question is whether or not this is actually something that happens frequently and how we can avoid it.

The dick-shat-upon stories are few in number, but sufficiently horrifying to be a cause for concern. If it’s something that genuinely concerns you and your wife as you explore the possibility of anal sex, well, invest in an enema. But most people don’t find that necessary.

Fantasy Football: I drafted Brandon Marshall in the mid to late rounds and have since been regretting it like a wife who has just agreed to anal. Since rumors of the Jets interest in him I’ve fielded a couple of trade offers for 3rd or 4th string WRs. Should I just stick with him or should I pull the trigger and get something for him now? And if so what type of player should I expect in return? (It’s NOT a ppr league and my other WRs are R. Wayne, S. Moss, C. Chambers and D. Driver. Start 3 WRs, no flex. Also, it’s not a keeper league.)
Sincerely,
Anal-curious

Ah, so you’re looking to give your roster a B-Marsh enema? If you’re dead set on making a trade now, be sure to get someone with high upside, like an unproven but talented rookie running back likely to get playing time (Beanie Wells or Knowshon) or the best back in a RBBC situation who’s an injury away from getting the bulk of the carries (Ray Rice, maybe). But honestly, I think you’re better off holding on to him and seeing what happens. His value can only go up — why sell low?

You see, sometimes in fantasy football — as in life — it’s best to see how things go before flushing the shit out.

I really enjoy writing the mailbag.  I try to give thoughtful answers to what I assume are people’s honest questions about their love lives, and I enjoy the additional mental exercise of thinking about different fantasy football scenarios, as it forces me to round out my knowledge and look into players and possibilities I wouldn’t otherwise consider.

But not today.  Today, I hate you.  Why?  Because the Internet is a cruel place, mister, and it’s better you learn that now and not later.  So if your question got ignored or answered in an apathetic fashion, it’s not your fault.  It’s because the world is capricious.  Also, you will all die alone.

Now, then.  On to the questions!

Viziers of Vag
I’m in a new workplace fantasy league this year. Low buy-in, so I signed on the dotted line before asking for details,

That was stupid.

only to find out it’s a goddamn auto draft league and everyone else in it is functionally retarded when it comes to fantasy besides 2 other owners in the 10 team league. Too late to back out now, but I need some pointers on this “auto draft” monstrosity I now have to deal with. Do I set my player rankings and draft rounds out by position or do I rank the top 200 and draft best available with limits on how many in each position are drafted? In my mind, the former nearly guarantees a functional fantasy team, while the latter gives the opportunity to take advantage of the noobs along with the real chance I could get screwed in the end.

Depends.  Can you set up those position limits by round?  Because if so, the latter is the way to go.  That way, you can cap your team at, say, five or six running backs while making sure that you don’t have more than two through four rounds.

Only god knows what these inexperienced owners will draft when and what they will be willing to trade. I live in WI so knock down any general football knowledge expectations of the other owners down at least 2 pegs and ratchet up Packers homerism by a factor of 10.

Use their weaknesses to your advantage.  Since it’s an autodraft, some of those homers are bound to end up with Bears and Vikings they won’t want on their team.  Seems like an excellent chance to land yourself Purple Jesus, Matt Forte, Jay Cutler, Chester Taylor, or Percy Harvin for cheaper than your average league.

I have a three year old daughter and another daughter due in December. I plan on getting them both vaccinated against Human Papilloma Virus, a STD that causes cervical cancer, and started on birth control as soon as the time comes. (Something like the Depo Shot or something else that is long term, whatever they have by then, last thing I trust a teenager to do is remember to take a pill at the same time every day.) Some unmarried childless friends say that I am setting up my girls to work the corner in the future.

The fuck do unmarried childless friends know about raising a child?

I think I am just being prudent and realistic in my expectations. I don’t think these 2 issues will ultimately determine my girls’ sexual identity one way or another, only serving to protect them, to a small degree, from poor choices. What would you do with your own daughter(s)?
-Bear in Cheeseland

I think prudence and realism are pretty good qualities to have as a parent.  And as a father, you officially have free license to choke out anyone who insinuates your daughter will become a prostitute.

Masters of the Muff (god I felt ridiculous typing that),

You should.  We prefer “Lords of Blogtown.”

Is it wrong to use your nephew to get laid?

Nope.  Oh wait.  Your question is a lot longer than that, isn’t it?

I work Sun-Thu and babysit my nephew every Friday to help out my sister and bro-in law. He is in Kuwait with the Navy and she works full time so a day without a 2 year old is good for her.

A day without a two-year-old is good for anyone.

I started this when he got recalled to the Navy in May.

Essential information. Thank you.

My nephew has since helped parlay me some ass twice. The first time I took him and my dog to the dog park

Awww, that’s great.  Kids deserve some time off-leash every now and then.

and he started playing with a woman’s dog and she eventually chatted me up. Found out I was babysitting my nephew and the next time I ran into her at the dog park we ended up back at my place.

You know what’s an awesome movie?  District 9.

The second time was last Friday. I took him bowling and there was group of nurses bowling next to us.

Will Leitch didn’t really like it.  He said the final 45 minutes were a “tiresome, hackneyed checklist of action movie tropes.”  Tropes like alien electricity guns blowing people up and a pig being used as a weapon and a guy in a mech suit catching an RPG and NONSTOP OWNAGE.

I explain I was babysitting to help up my fam and they melted for it. Went out with one on Saturday and closed the deal.

I mean, sweet fucking Christ, I dig the parables of xenophobia and apartheid, but how is the movie supposed to end?  Should the U.N. pass a resolution or something?  No thank you. After all that careful thinking and plot development, let’s get some fuckin’ explosions up in this piece already.

Is it wrong to use my nephew and my good deed to get laid? I’m really just doing it because my brother-in-law asked me too.

And why am I reading Leitch’s movie reviews anyway?  His favorite director is a pedophile who made two good movies three decades ago.  It’s like, hey buddy, get back to interviewing athletes with a dick in your face.

In his words “Can you hang with him so he doesn’t turn out Air Force.” I don’t even know what that means. I just teach him how to throw and make him watch PTI.

Oh, you’re done? All right then: No, there is nothing wrong with getting laid for an altruistic deed.  But I think it’s important to do it because you want to help out your sister, not because he’s a golden ticket to Poonsville.  Believe me, any good or noble deed you do with the intent of appealing to women — say, joining the Marine Corps, or volunteering at a kids’ writing center, or walking your friendly dog around the street — will karmically backfire and you’ll get stationed in the Mojave Desert or end up strangling some annoying brat or your dog will eagerly greet every panhandler on the street.  Not that I know from experience or anything.

2.My dumb ass college buddies play with a defensive player. We have had one for 4 years now. How do I convince them this is stupid and which defensive player is the best?
Thanks guys,
JaS

I wouldn’t know who the best fantasy defensive player is best because I don’t play in any gay leagues.

Dear KSK,
Football first. I have the third pick of the first round in my fantasy league at work. The Bears homer in me wants to pick Forte, but there’s a good chance that MJD or Turner will be available. The first pick is looking like it will be Peterson and the guy with the second pick has been saying he’s taking Fitty. If MJD or Turner are still there, should I take one of them,

Yes.

or should I follow my heart and pick Forte?

No.  Forte will likely have an excellent year, but take a step back and consider how this will affect your Bears fandom.  There are going to be weeks where Forte underperforms, and you’ll have double the anguish because you’re pissed that Forte cost both the Bears and your a fantasy team a win.  Or even if the Bears win, do you really want to be pissed at your star running back because he “only” had 75 yards on the ground and three receptions?

Now for the sex/lady part of the submittal. I know this has probably been covered in the past, but I am too lazy to go back through the past mailbags. My wife is currently in school and therefore she spends a lot of time sitting on the couch reading/studying and she has steadily gained weight over the last year or so.

And you, of course, are in spectacular shape?

I feel a bit hypocritical because I’m not as sleek as I was in college,

No!

but I still try to walk every day and play ball (soft and basket) once a week at least.

You… you… walk?  ALMOST every day???  And softball!  What an intense cardio program!  How has your fitness regimen NOT inspired your wife to greater heights of physical fitness?

We bought an elliptical, but it has been collecting dust ever since I put it together. I feel overall that I fix pretty healthy meals, but that is only half of the equation. What is the best approach to get the wife looking like the slimmer woman she was when we started dating a couple years back?
-Bears Homer in Bton

Honestly, sometimes it feels like nobody has ever read a single edition of the mailbag.  So let’s ride this merry-go-round once again: marriage is a partnership, you need open communication, be prepared to compromise, et cetera.

If that’s not sparking memories of previous columns, I suggest you approach your wife with your concerns about the declining physique of both people in the partnership.  Repeat after me: “I just don’t like the weight that *I’ve* put on, and I think it would help my motivation if *we* worked out together.”  Being the kind of person who let herself go in the first place, she’s going to try to feed you some horseshit about how she just doesn’t have the time because she has to study, and that’s why you need to be ready to sell her on how just a little bit of exercise every week is going to give her loads more energy.  Then tell her, “FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! YOU’RE FAT! READ BETWEEN THE LINES!”

My recommendation: sign up both of your sorry asses for the nearest CrossFit gym.  The workouts are intense but scalable, so miserable weak roundbodies can still do the same workout as the ripped fitness freaks.  Go to two workouts a week for two months, and you and your wife will both find the other more attractive.

Dear Sirs,
I’ve never had any problems pleasuring the ladies but I sometimes have trouble getting my own rocks off in a timely manner. Is this the girl’s fault, the result of over a decade of chronic masturbation or am I just a gay who apparently doesn’t like chicks?

Masturbation is supposed to be less gratifying than sex, and being overeager in the onanism department can hinder your enjoyment of the real deal.  Try cutting back on jerking it just a little, and when you do whack it, loosen your grip and take your time.  If your hand is tighter than a vagina, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

In a league where qb’s get 6 pts for td’s, how soon is too soon to draft a qb or is that just something I’ll have to feel out on draft day?
Humbly,
-Z

Drew: One of my leagues has that scoring system too. I draft at slot 9. If Brees or Brady are there, I’m taking them.

Dear Gang of Sex,
Hey guys, football first. I’m in a 10-team league where each team has 2 QBs start and passing touchdowns are worth six points (thankfully I’m also in a regular league). Normally I subscribe to the best player available strategy, but I’m leaning toward making myself draft 2 QBs in my first 4 picks. Your thoughts?

That sounds sensible.  By the way, a LOT of people wrote in about being in leagues with two quarterbacks and leagues where QBs get six points for each touchdown.  Y’all need to drive a sharpened toothbrush into your commissioners’ respective kidneys.

As for sex, I hooked up with the ex of another guy in my league. They had gone out for six months (she dumped him, for what it’s worth), four years before I slept with her. I was really drunk, and only found out they had dated the next day. The guy in my league says it’s not an issue, but he’s the reticent type who wouldn’t make a big deal out of this even if it were important. So, am I going to be on the receiving end of a karmic fantasy bitchslap?
Thanks,
Bobby W.

Really?  They broke up four years ago and you didn’t even know?  Sleep easy, Bob.

Dear Most Distinguished Twatwaffles,
Are blowjobs all that? My girlfriend has life-long jaw problems and is on the PUP list when it comes to this subject. Granted, she is the first gal that has been interested in checking out my bait and tackle, but I want to know if I should make like Crabtree and hold out for someone who could give me something more than lip service.

UPDATE: Sorry, this went unanswered in the first draft. It comes down to personal preference. As much as I enjoy a good blowjob, I prefer having sex. I think of oral sex as an especially pleasurable form of foreplay. Other people just want to sit back and do nothing while they get sucked off. There’s nothing wrong with either viewpoint, as long as you’re satisfied with the sex that you have.

With the fantasy draft coming up, I’ve traded up to have the 10th and 11th picks in a twelve team re-drafting PPR league. Is it too crazy to go WR/WR with those picks, as I won’t see another pick until the late 3rd round (The league starts 1QB, 2RB, 2WR, and 1 RB/WR flex)?
-No BJs for the Bears fan

When you first posed the question, I was certain you were insane.  But as I mulled it over a bit more, the notion of having Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz as your starting WRs in a PPR league sounds pretty enticing, especially if you don’t feel confident in the RBs at the end of the first round.  It might just be crazy enough to work.

hey guys,
so my friend is dating a guy who she likes (i think hes kind of a Lazy Lenwhale, but that’s my opinion and i keep it to myself), but her brother fucking hates the kid, telling me and her to her face repeatedly that “she can do better” and “he has no personality.” to which i just shut up and looked amazed that someone could cram both their feet in their mouth at once.

Pfft.  There’s nothing wrong at all with being honest when someone you care about is dating a tool.  Especially if that person is your sister.

she tells me that she really wants her brother to like him, so she was debating buying her boyfriend and her brother tickets to a football game to see if they can learn to  tolerate each other. two questions: one, is this the best way to do it, and two, how do i get in on free tickets? because hell, i’ll hate anyone for free tickets.

One, that is a horrible fucking idea, and two, maybe if you spoke up and stopped trying to score free football tickets she might see the light and ditch the guy.

As for fantasy, I was recently offered a trade of Antonio Gates (4th rd pick) for Darren McFadden (5th) and Shiancoe (15th? 16th? End of the fucking draft) my friend’s reasoning being that his running back core besides MJD sucks (he has derrick ward, beanie wells, and mendenhall, so yeah it does.) Meanwhile, i have LT, Ronnie Brown, McFadden, and “backups” of Tiny Darren, Donald Brown, and Chester Taylor. so while i could spare mcfadden, what are your thoughts on the subject?
-i wish i had a witty name

You can indeed spare McFaddden, and there are only three reliably high-scoring tight ends in the league, and you’d be getting one of them for free without feeling the hit on your roster.  Make the trade already.

Short and sweet like Darren Sproles:
Football: Ten team standard league. In first two rounds, any receivers worth taking besides Fitz/Moss, or should I stock up on RB/QB? No PPR, just yards & TDs.

Yup.  Some guy by the name of Andre Johnson.  Led the NFL in receiving yards by over 100 yards last year. You may want to look into him.

Sex: Girl wants to buy toys. Either a fingertip vibrator or vibrating cockring. Not a toy afficionado, what’s the pros/cons of both?
-T.S.

I’m not a toy aficionado, either. Because I actually satisfy my women.  ZING.  I kid, I kid.  Your first sex toy can be a wonderful addition to the bedroom.

Alas, I’m not as skilled in these arts as I might like.  I recommend you head over to EdenFantasys for their sex toy reviews.  Or Google “sex toy reviews” and sift through the endless results.

Gayer Versions of Ann Landers,
My question is a combination sex and fantasy football question. My girlfriend’s mother recently invited me to join a fantasy football league with her other daughters and some of their friends from work, 12 teams $25 a team.

What a horrible fucking idea.

Knowing they’re all amateurs I figured I’m looking at some easy cash with out having to put much work in. The only problem is I don’t see this relationship lasting till January. She’s not a bad girl but its been two years and it seems like the relationships run its course. My question is do I even bother playing? If I win and broke up with her daughter do I have any shot of getting paid, I can’t imagine my odds are very good and would it even be worth the awkwardness of picking up the money?
-Help me out

Try helping yourself out. I suggest by not cutting every single corner in life.

People: fantasy football, like a good relationship, like life, is not about winning while putting in the least amount of effort.  It’s about enjoying what you do and spending time with people you like.  That’s about all they have in common.  But still, it’s a nice way to close out the column.

Welcome, fair readers, to another edition of the fantasy sex/fantasy football mailbag.  It’s fantasy draft season, so  the FF questions are getting stronger, and in this edition they’re paired with some pretty memorable sex questions, including a guy who wants to bang his mother-in-law, the KSK reader you most want to throw off a tall building, and how to approach fantasy league suspensions when one of the owners is in jail for statutory rape.  Read this one start to finish, it’s a doozy.

Gentlemen,
Sex- I’ve been banging/dating a girl since St Patrick’s Day (give or take a week or two) and things are going fantastic except for a “buddy” of mine who has felt the need to hit on her and/or tell her she can do better than me. Said girl has gone on record numerous times stating her sole interest in me and me alone (go me), and also her complete disinterest in said “buddy”. Recently she and I had a personal conversation and “buddy” confessed to her that he listened in on the whole conversation.  He’s tried to undermine me since late May and has an obsession with my girl. Besides beating him to death with a baseball bat what else can I do? (P.S. “buddy” is not considered a buddy anymore and ohbytheway he’s banging another friend of ours who has stated publicly that she knows that she’s his fall back option because he can’t land my girl.)

Okay, so if your girl has no interest in him, and he’s no longer your buddy, why is he even around?  Is he a co-worker?  A fellow student? What necessitates his interaction with you and/or your girlfriend?

Personally, I think silence is the coldest response, and that should be your (and your girlfriend’s) goal here.  The next step up — one that you can hardly be faulted for doing — is to tell him frankly that you’ll kick the shit out of him if he tries to talk to your girlfriend again.  And if you happen to see him while you’re drunk at a bar and you break a beer bottle over his skull… well, no jury of KSK commenters would convict you.

Fantasy Football- Is Steve Slaton a late first round pick (or better) or a second round pick? And what round does Kurt Warner (and God) end up??
-Dan

I like Slaton as a first round pick — I tend to prefer younger running backs, and I love Slaton’s receiving skills.  Depending on homerism and the various gut feelings of your league’s owners, I’d place him no higher than sixth and no lower than 11th (FWIW, he’s seventh overall on CBS Sports’ Top 200 list).

As for Warner… Yikes.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s a big reason I made the playoffs last year after I traded for him with my back against the wall, but I just don’t like the idea of putting all my fantasy eggs into the 38-year-old quarterbasket — especially given Warner’s injury history.  I suppose he could go in the third round, but I wouldn’t take a chance on him until the fourth or fifth.

Gentlemen:
Football question: I’m a life-long Giants fan, dating back to Craig Morton, John Mendenhall and Doug Kotar. My last visit to Shea Stadium? The Cardinals’ Terry Metcalf tossed a HB option bomb to Mel Gray.

Didn’t ask. Don’t care.

But I digress so here’s my Giants question: Eli Manning is the albatross around this team’s neck. His consistent inaccuracy is killing this team’s chances. WHAT CAN THE GIANTS DO TO IMPROVE GOMER’S ACCURACY AND, CONSIDERING THAT HE JUST GOT PAID $97M, SHOULDN’T THE FAIR-HAIRED BOY TAKE IT UPON HIMSELF TO IMPROVE THIS FATAL FLAW IN HIS GAME SINCE THE GIANTS DIDN’T SIGN CONNIE HAWKINS TO PLAY WR?

“Wah wah wah, this quarterback that won us the Super Bowl against an undefeated team isn’t good enough!”   So what?  Yeah, Eli has a tendency to overthrow his receivers (which is why Plax at 6′6″ was the perfect compliment to him).  You take the good with the bad.  For example, I happen to like Matt Hasselbeck as the Seahawks’ quarterback, but guess what?  He didn’t win the Super Bowl for my team.  And yet here I am, managing to avoid all-caps while I write about it.

Sex Question: I have an amazingly hot, bisexual Brazilian wife who is studying in Brazil (see attached photo — she’s 35 years old) while I work in NY.

We love Brazil but there’s a chance I might make only $60K per year there while I can pull down $250K-$300K in the States. Do I subject her to the American way of life: more work and more money in a shallow, frigid land of moral hypocrisy or do I move to warm, vibrant Brazil where economic security is far less certain and there’s a chance the reduced income might negatively impact our relationship or retirement savings?
Regards,
John in NY

I have my doubts, but I’m going to assume that this is an honest question from a real person.  So: Congratulations, John in NY, you win the award for biggest pair of asshole questions this mailbag has ever seen.  I’d go into greater detail, but I feel the commenters will have enough bile for you.  As someone who makes a a quarter-million dollars a year, you’re probably aware that $60K goes a lot farther in Brazil than in the States.  That’s probably where I’d be fucking my hot Brazilian wife if I had one.

Dear Sirs,
Sex- Lately every time I’ve gone to get myself off, all I can think of is my mother-in-law. It’s like a weird twist on an Oedipus complex, I know, and I kinda feel dirty/bad for thinking of her when I jack it, but I can’t help myself and it’s been about a year of me doing this. In my defense she does dress nicely and wears thongs, push-up bras, tight jeans and low cut shirts, which fucks with my head even more. Additionally, she is an attractive woman and relatively young for a mother-in-law (44), so it would be reasonable to think of her while getting off (minus the whole mother-in-law part). We had a bit of a contentious relationship at the start (seeing as how I impregnated her only daughter at 19) but things between us are better now; yet I can’t get the thought of bending her over the kitchen counter and anger fucking her out of my head. I could never talk to my wife about this but it is kinda eating me up inside. Should I just continue to blissfully get off to her image? Any advice besides, “Try Porn” or “What your wife doesn’t know won’t kill her”?

Eh, I don’t see a problem with it.  She’s a hot older lady that is completely unattainable but regularly around.  People have a tendency to crave the forbidden.  As long as you keep it safely filed away under “TOP SECRET FANTASY  – DON’T TELL ANYONE,” I don’t see a problem.

Finally, I can’t get us both drunk and ever act on this, can I?

Durrr.  Yeah, go for it.  You’re only married to her daughter with whom you have a child.  The only thing that matters in life is for your mind to live out every ill-advised sexual fantasy it gins up.

Football- When is a reasonable round to pick up Felix Jones? The man can score anytime he has the football, and will rack up yards in a hurry with runs, catches, and kick returns, but I’m concerned the Flaming OC won’t get him the ball enough to make an early round (like 3-6 range) pick up worth it?
Sincerely,
A confused jack-off

Based on his predicted value, I wouldn’t go for Jones until the 7th or 8th round in a 12-team league.  Unless you’ve got some insider information on a Marion Barber injury, in which case email me immediately.

Dear Drew, Ape and the retards that work with them,
Sex: I have a solid opportunity to hook up with my best friend’s ex. They haven’t dated in over a year, and I know for a fact that he has moved on. I value my friendship with this guy more than anyone else I know, and would hate for something to come between us. But good lord is his ex hot. Easily one of the hottest girls I know, and we both return to college in a couple weeks, so there wouldn’t be any messy emotional kinks to work out with her. I would simply have to live with the knowledge and know that, sooner or later, he would probably find out. I don’t think he would mind, but what I do probably will have some ramifications on our relationship. Have any of you guys ever had to deal with such a situation? Do I pursue what easily could be the hottest girl I will ever have a chance to get with, or stay loyal to my friend?

May I tell a metaphorical anecdote?  My mother dropped out of college when she was 19 to marry my dad.  After my sister and I graduated from college and moved into the working world, Mom went back to school at Southern Illinois (the Edwardsville campus), which was close to my high school home outside of St. Louis.

Meanwhile, I got stationed at Fort Knox in the spring of 2001 for tank officer training.  Near the end of our training cycle, we all got excited to go to the Kentucky Derby… which happened to be the same day as my mother’s graduation four hours away.  I was faced with the “right” thing to do (go to my mom’s graduation) and the fun thing to do (get wasted on the infield).

I drove home to see my mom graduate.  She probably would have been pretty disappointed in me if I hadn’t come back, but damn: I still think of what a shame it is that I missed the Derby.

Sex, Pt. 2: Does weed make women horny?

Depends.  I had a girlfriend a long time ago who LOVED having sex after she got high, but that’s the only case I’ve seen.  I did a quick poll of women I know who smoke pot, and the prevailing answer seemed to be “Nope.”

Football: How successful will Rob Ryan be in bringing the zone blitz to Cleveland? Any chance Kam Wimbley finally has a break-out season?
Yours,
Conflicted in Cleveland

Who the fuck is Kam Wimbley? **Googles Kam Wimbley** OH!  Kamerion Wimbley!  NOW he sounds familiar.  Wikipedia reminded me that he was the AFC Defensive Rookie of the Year in 2006, but has been disappointing ever since.  I have no idea whether this is Wimbley’s breakout year, but let’s just go ahead and say no.  No, it won’t.  In fact, he’s due for a career-ending injury in training camp any day now.

Dear KSK,
I’ve got my keeper league draft coming up and I have to decide on whom to keep. Chris Johnson is a lock, because I’ll never dismiss a top 10 running back who nicknames himself “Every Coach’s Dream.” Up for debate: The third-worst actor on last week’s “Entourage,” the ghost of Ladainian Tomlinson, Greg Jennings and Darren McFadden. I’m leaning toward Turtle’s new best friend, if only because he’s slightly less wooden than Adrian Grenier and just as randy.

Brady.  Even with the question marks surrounding him, he’s a top-3 quarterback.

As for sex, I’m married. Is it kosher if I get rub and tug’s in Chinatown when I win a week in fantasy? Or if I’m just passing by? Or if “Chinatown” is the nickname for my office?
-jon

No.  But we appreciate your humor.

Dear sirs,
What is the rule on calling a girl you dumped but, now realizing that you’re an idiot choad, want to get back together with? The breakup was ugly and swift, and we haven’t spoken in the 8 months since, but now we’re both living in the same state (after a year and a half on other ends of the country) and, as gay as this is, am regretting my stupidity about as often as the Lions regret draft selections.

Ah yes.  Seller’s remorse.  Truth be told, there are no rules to getting a girl back, my friend.  You are hereby greenlit to send flowers to her office, grovel publicly, buy highway billboard space to declare your love, and whatever other pitifully desperate/romantic gestures you can think of to get her back.  But I’d recommend starting small: send her an email saying that you miss having her in your life, and invite her to get a cup of coffee.  It’s best to play this slowly, lest you come off looking desperate to have her back.  Which you are.  But she doesn’t need to know that.

The more important question, however, involves my FF draft. After 5 years of a friendly league, we just created a pool ($50 each, 10 teams, $400 First/$100 Second) so I actually have to give a shit. Since it’s standard scoring, drafting a QB in the first round seems like a no-brainer (28 TD’s/14 INTS = 140 pts = 23 touchdowns from any other position) however, going through the list of quarterbacks, everyone’s got a glaring weakness (brady’s knees, payton’s age, ben’s soft squishy brain, everyone else’s receiving corps) so, assuming I don’t go with Purple Jesus at #1, where are the good mid-first round quarterbacks this year?
-The Trout

Hold on.  For starters, 28 TDs/14 INTs = 140 points is NOT standard scoring.  Standard scoring is four points for a passing TD, -2 points for an INT, and 6 points for a rushing/receiving TD.  Which means that 28 TDs/14 INTs passing is 84 points.  That equals 14 TDs at any other position, not 23.

But setting aside the retarded scoring in your JV fantasy league, Drew Brees is the hands-down surefire first-round QB you’re looking for this year.  Just like Brady was last year.  **throws up from flashbacks**

Competitive Hand Shakers,
It’s that time of year again, so football first. I just adopted an orphaned keeper league team, and I need to pick 3 guys to retain in a PPR league. I’m pretty sold on keeping Randy Moss and Dallas Clark (Dallas is my anti-Lee Evans, I always end up with him, and he’s always a safe bet to do SOMETHING every week), and I need to choose among Portis, Addai, DeSean Jackson, Elisha, and some guys who suck a lot worse. It’s probably between Portis and Addai for a ppr league, but whom do you suggest I keep? (de sean would also get points for return tds, for whatever that’s worth)

I’d go with Portis, who’s more highly ranked by most metrics.  Also, I fucking HATE having Colts on my fantasy team.  No reason.

sex: my long time girlfriend is in med school, so we’re doing the long distance thing. It’s going well, since we’re both pretty busy, largely due to the inspired invention of the web cam. However, my normally sexually liberated (read: horny) girlfriend gets shy and uncomfortable doing anything remotely sexual in nature in front of the web cam; she cites perpetually feeling unattractive as her excuse for declining to disrobe for my benefit over the internet, though I suspect it’s more of a deep seeded fear that someone is going to hack into one of our computers and sneak a peek at her naughty bits. How might I inspire her to explore the full potential that live video feeds provide? (Translation: how do I get her naked and saying naughty things on her webcam?)
Thanks a pile,
Pussyless in Pittsburgh

Sadly, I’ve done the long-distance thing where the webcam is your only chance for sexual gratification with your partner.  It can be tough.  It’s one thing to be in the physical presence of you girlfriend when she’s unshowered and wearing sweats: the right amount of touching and fondling will usually lead to sex.  It’s a different story when she’s feeling equally unsexy over the webcam — you can say you want it, but if she doesn’t feel attractive, that’s that and it’s off to your porn site of preference for you.

Personally, I recommend setting up webcam dates.  Find a time in advance that gives both of you a fair amount of room in your schedules, and be sure that you’re both dressed nicely with a bottle of wine at the designated time.  Have a glass of wine together, chat for a while, catch up, then get nasty.  If she’s taken the right approach, she’ll have showered and put on some makeup to look nice for you (maybe even some lingerie?), and you should return the favor by doing whatever makes you less unattractive.  It’s a relationship: both people have to make an effort to make the other person happy.

Last year, Ryan Huff, one of the owners in my twelve-team fantasy league abruptly left. He was neither unhappy with the league nor a poor owner, as he came in second. Instead, he was charged with two counts of statutory rape and cannot bail himself out.

TIMEOUT.  First of all, let’s get the necessary blockquotes out of the way.  From the first link:

Apparently Huff met the girls on “an internet chatroom,” which could mean anything since I’m guessing the reporter on the KMOV video I watched doesn’t know the difference between this very site and and actual “internet chatroom.”  After the meeting online, the two went to the movies, on a “date,” and then back to a house where they were joined by another 13 year old girl.  Shortly after her arrival they started partaking in sexual activity.

If you’re scoring at home — as Huff did –  that sounds an awful lot like a threesome with two eighth-graders.  And from the second link:

Huff was arraigned on March 6th, 2009 with the following charges brought against him:

• Four counts of Statutory Sodomy of the 1st Degree.  This is defined as “Deviate Sexual Intercourse With A Person Less Than 14 Yrs Old”
• Statutory Rape of the 1st Degree, Sexual Intercourse With A Person Less Than 14 Yrs Old, Serious Physical Injury, Display of a Deadly Weapon.  One per victim less than 12 years old.

All of the above counts are felonies.

Okay, I think we’re caught up.  Back to your questions.

Three questions:
1. Should we disallow alleged rapists from becoming owners in our fantasy league, or should we wait until a verdict has been passed?

Welcome to the life of Roger Goodell.  Clearly, one of the owners has violated your fantasy football league’s code of conduct and should therefore serve a suspension.  WWRGD?  How many games is a statutory rape charge?  I honestly don’t know, as even Chris Henry has yet to be caught fucking a girl that young.

Of course, some people may object to the “moral” implications of playing in a league with Huff.  I couldn’t disagree with those people more.  I would LOVE to have a statutory rapist in my league (Fine: another statutory rapist).  Why?  Simple: the trash talk would be incredibly easy and fun.  Also, I don’t have a pubescent daughter, so what’s he gonna do about it?

2. Should Mr. Huff pay a fine for not filing a resignation letter with the league? Something like $50 or 20 packs of smokes?

I think — given the likelihood of his imminent (if not already) anal violation, you should probably give him a pass on this one.  At least until the court rules.

3. Although the trial will take place near my apartment in St. Louis, I have no intention of going. However, many of the other owners want to drive 4.5 hours from suburban Chicago in order to support/mock Mr. Huff. Should they waste the gas money in order to see one of their college buddies humiliated in a public court?
Sincerely,
Raskolnikov

Absolutely not.  Given the current ecological crisis, they should take the train.  It’s slightly faster than the car trip, it’s safer, you don’t have to worry about the speed traps on I-55, and most importantly, it conserves our precious dwindling gasoline supply.  Plus the trial starts on November 30th, which is about the time you’ll want to start leaving Chicago for the winter.