Many of you have taken to writing ONLY a fantasy football question, which kind of irks me. We’re giving free mediocre fantasy advice here, and all we ask for in return is a window into your sordid sex life. Is that really so much to ask?

But then some of you write in with only sex-related questions, and I realize that perhaps that balances things out. Besides, I’ve always preached brevity, so it would seem strange to demand uninteresting questions you don’t really care about. So you may all continue to flaunt the rules. For now.

This week: manscaping, girl farts, Ryan Grant, bye week dilemmas, reunions, bad trades, mailbag etiquette, sterility, dog poo, and Dungeons and Dragons metaphors. Let’s do it.

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I thought we’d be a bit short on quality submissions this week, then the reminder went up and we were slammed with dozens of emails. Obviously I couldn’t include all of them, but thanks to those of you who sent in questions. Especially those that didn’t suck. Let’s get started…

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For those of you who may be wondering, we didn’t request your sex/fantasy football questions yesterday because we now get enough emails to power the mailbag without having to remind anyone. Oh my God! The mailbag — it’s self-sustaining!

Before we dive in, I’d like to offer up some fantasy talking points that stick out to me this week.

Trades: I’ve said in the past that we really don’t get a feeling for how the season is going to shape up until Week 4. Prior to that the sample size is just too small to figure out what’s a fluke and what’s a trend. So, unless you’ve lost a key starter for six weeks or more, I think it’s wise to hold off on making a trade until after this week’s games.

T.J. Houshmandzadeh: I was high on Housh before the season, believing that he’d bring his trend of 100-catch seasons to Seattle. While I still believe his numbers will improve in the coming weeks, it’s obvious that both Seneca Wallace and Matt Hasselbeck prefer targeting Nate Burleson. I apologize to anyone who listened to me. If it’s any consolation, I also suggested you draft Matt Schaub.

The Jets: The Jets’ defense will F your fantasy team right in the A. In the first three weeks, they completely shut down Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson, and Tom Brady, then held Chris Johnson under 100 yards rushing and without a touchdown. I’d never be so crazy to suggest benching Drew Brees this Sunday, but in the coming weeks be prepared for your players to struggle when they face Rex Ryan’s pussy-tubin’ crew.

Now then. On to your questions! (more…)

A couple recurring themes this week, in both the letters we answer and the multitudes upon multitudes we simply didn’t have room or time for. Primarily, fantasy owners are worried about the slow starts from Matt Forte and Steve Slaton, and a surprisingly high number of you don’t know if you should start Felix Jones even though Marion Barber pulled his quadriceps. Oh, and you all have messed up notions of what women should be willing to do in the bedroom, but that’s nothing new.

Let’s kick things off with an email that will make you feel better about your miserable life, shall we?

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The jailbait in the photo is someone who commenter FEAST claims is named Brandii Breaston, which doesn’t sound like a real name to me at all. You may recognize her from this Sexy Friday. We rolled her back out because our last letter today features teenage female masturbation, and I prefer to think of Brandii — if that is here real name — as underage.

But first, this question:

If you guys are so smart about sex and football, explain to me why I can’t get my wife to blow me during Monday Night Football?

flubby: I dunno, someone beat you to it?

BOOM. Roasted.

Let’s get on with this. Up next, an update from the 29-year-old gentleman who wondered if he should accept the advances of the 20-year-old he once babysat.

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One week — just ONE WEEK — it would be nice if our readers were all, “Hey, I don’t have any sex problems to share with you, but I took this photo of my hot girlfriend hooking up with this other girl.” That would be nice. I’d like that.

Unfortunately, most of you are unattractive and thus have problems. And we’ve got answers. Well, maybe not answers, but they’re definitely responses. Apologies to the many many of you who wrote in needing help on whom to start in your flex position. I mean for fantasy football. Although “flex position” sounds like something I’d like to try with a girl. Preferably a college gymnast.

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We got several questions this week talking about their auto-draft leagues. This makes sense to precisely none of us at KSK, as the draft is one of the best parts about being in a fantasy league. It’s essential in giving your league a sense of competitive camaraderie. So I have to ask: WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHY??? Stop it. Don’t create auto-draft leagues, and don’t join auto-draft leagues. Period. They’re stupid.

Now then. Let’s get on with your assortment of more specific questions.

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I really enjoy writing the mailbag.  I try to give thoughtful answers to what I assume are people’s honest questions about their love lives, and I enjoy the additional mental exercise of thinking about different fantasy football scenarios, as it forces me to round out my knowledge and look into players and possibilities I wouldn’t otherwise consider.

But not today.  Today, I hate you.  Why?  Because the Internet is a cruel place, mister, and it’s better you learn that now and not later.  So if your question got ignored or answered in an apathetic fashion, it’s not your fault.  It’s because the world is capricious.  Also, you will all die alone.

Now, then.  On to the questions!

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Welcome, fair readers, to another edition of the fantasy sex/fantasy football mailbag.  It’s fantasy draft season, so  the FF questions are getting stronger, and in this edition they’re paired with some pretty memorable sex questions, including a guy who wants to bang his mother-in-law, the KSK reader you most want to throw off a tall building, and how to approach fantasy league suspensions when one of the owners is in jail for statutory rape.  Read this one start to finish, it’s a doozy.

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Hey this pic doesn’t pertain to any of the themes in the mailbag. You’ll just have to accept my apologies.

As the season inches closer, the fantasy football questions grow more and more specific, and for some reason, the sex questions turn a little more depressing. Anyway, we’re running late enough as it is, so let’s get into it, shall we?

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