HASSAN CHOP!

Even if Jay Glazer has cornered the market of NFL player MMA instruction, perhaps there’s still room in the burgeoning athlete fitness marketplace for Drew Rosenhaus to school them in the ways of the Flaming Brick Chop. Why should pass rushers merely push over opposing blockers when they can cleave them at the midsection with their mighty hands? Sure, for full effect you need to set the victim on fire first, but Rosenhaus was just getting ready to tell you the following lesson is FIRE BREATH.

Also, he’s gonna have to up his take when your rookie contract is being renegotiated.

In further NFL-related YouTubery, Greg Jennings had a minor guest role on CBS’ Criminal Minds, which is one of those shows Jim Nantz is always bugging viewers to watch FOLLOWING AN ALL-NEW 60 MINUTES, EXCEPT FOR THOSE ON THE WEST COAST. I think it says more about Criminal Minds that I’m more shocked that the guy who plays Hank on Breaking Bad is on the show than the fact that they gave Greg Jennings a couple lines in a random episode.

Still, that is some passable line delivery, Mr. Jennings. Now can you and the rest of your colleagues just hurry up and play football again? Because I was just forced to watch 30 seconds of goddamn Criminal Minds and the more I think about that, the less I like myself and what I do for a living.

The alpaca message boards must be buzzing about this one.

Real Hollywood descended on Hollywood for Ugly People for the annual gala White House Media Compromising Their Own Objectivity For The Sake of a Cheap Status Affirmation Dinner. It’s a nice event to go to when people are trying to set bombs off in Times Square. Obama told Daily Show jokes. Egos were stroked. Everyone went away convinced of their own power.

More importantly, Tony Romo was caught in a photo with Zach Galifianakis, which is a wonderfully unexpected celebrity juxtaposition. I’m a little disappointed, as it looks like they are only between ONE FERN. Why must you ruin Zach’s bit, Tony?

“LET’S NOT FORGET ABOUT ME JAWS! CAN YOU BELIEVE HOW RED MY FACE IS?! WOULD YOU EVER GUESS, IN A MILLION YEARS, THAT I’D BE MORE RED THAN MAUREEN DOWD? Maureen Dowd! This is one zany broad. She wrote that book, “Are Men Necessary?” WHAT KIND OF THING IS THAT? I got a book title for you, sweetie. It’s called “Are Floppy Tits Necessary?” Every page just has the word yes over and over.

Oh shit. Do I have to apologize again?”

“He was sitting in a banquette and she was standing between his thighs, touching them and facing him. They were all over each other. It was kind of gross. He was drinking beer all night but she stuck to water.”

Getcha some! Whooooo! Gawker– a regular follower of Allison’s adventures adds:

Per the oversharing queen’s Twitter, we know Allison was showing the new QB her headband at 2 am in one tweet, and then not posting again until 7:35 am the next morning (see below left). “Jay is one of the top 10 quaterbacks [sic] in the NFL,” she wrote a friend. “I didn’t know who he was until last night.” Now she knows him.

For those who think this is post is merely a roundabout excuse to post a picture of this broad in her underwear– congratulation, you are correct…

When asked what he thought about Cutler’s debut on the Chicago social circuit, fictional former Bears QB Rex Grossman said, “What a joke, first they replace me with a neckbearded drunk, then they bring in a diabetic dipshit who thinks it’s a cool idea to land some wackass congressman’s sloppy seconds. Goddam, you run the Sex Cannon out of town and the whole scene turns to shit. This hayseed can’t even unleash the dragon on a GOOD Chicago internet celebrity.”