To say that this video, which follows the twin plights of two San Diego Chargers Girls hopefuls, is the greatest video on YouTube is less hyperbole than it is an indisputable truth. Along the way we meet and fall in love with Melanie, a perky blonde who came up short her first time in San Diego but found a home with Seattle’s Sea Gals.  Then we meet and fall in love with Nagisa, a super-hot Japanese woman who barely speaks English (Engrish, if you will), and we forget all about that tramp Melanie.  When Nagisa says her name, it sounds vaguely like “next time,” and her pronounciation of “cheerleading” comes closer to “chilling.”  So adorable.  Like a baby duck you want to have sex with.

Do they make the team?  Do they get sent home?  It’s a five-minute voyage of cleavage, booty shorts, hair-flipping, gyrations, and one Asian accent that will send you straight to the massage parlor.

(Bonus Sexy Friday goodness: Brazilian Facebook girls)

Melissa began dancing at age 2.  Over the years, as she excelled in school, her training in classical ballet found a more practical application as a member of cheer/dance groups.  She went to Vanderbilt, where she was a member of the school’s dance team and graduated in 2007 with a degree in neuroscience.

Now she splits time between cheering for the Titans and assisting in neuroscience research, with a focus on Alzheimer’s, bipolar disorder, and Parkinson’s.  For Melissa, decapitating rats is all in a day’s work.

Her favorite place to visit is Queensland, New Zealand, where she sky-dived for the first time.  Her favorite song is the Beatles’ “All You Need Is Love,” and her favorite TV show is “Entourage,” which is unfortunate.

And she totally doesn’t have a gag reflex.  SCORE!

This week’s cheerleader post comes in the form of future promise: over the coming weekend, we’re getting approximately 13 hours of televised football from San Diego, Miami, Arizona, and a dome.  That’s a whole lotta cheerleader screen caps coming down the pipe, especially given the Dolphins cheerleaders (grade: A) and Chargers Girls (A++).  And even the Cardinals (B- given the feeder talent) should provide some decent screen time.  As for Minnesota… well, is it too late to move the game to Philly?

Anyhoo, enjoy it.  Next week it’ll be crowd shots of shirtless Giants and Steelers fans.  Those assholes don’t even have cheerleaders.  Translation: GO TITANS AND PANTHERS!!!

Make no bones about it: Washington, D.C. is an ugly city.  Oh, not the city itself — L’Enfant’s vision for a noble capital city is wonderfully realized with wide avenues and stately marble buildings.  I’m talking about the people.

The old saw of “Hollywood for Ugly People” is all too true.  The only people who might be superficially attractive there are the collar-popping set: uptight bitches in pearls and cocky jackasses in the douchebag uniform of khakis, blue blazers, and floppy “punch-me” haircuts.  Want an idea of how ugly DC is without the eyesore of going there?  It has the highest percentage of sports bloggers per capita of any major American city.

Oh yeah, DC: you ugly.  You ain’t got no alibi.

All this makes the existence of the Redskins Cheerleaders that much more remarkable.  They are wildflowers growing through the cracked asphalt of a vacant lot.  Like the duck-billed platypus, they are mysteries of nature, miracles of evolution, creatures too confounding and perfect for scientists to explain.  And there’s a whole lotta evidence of that after the jump.

(more…)

She’s got style that woman
Makes me smile that woman
She’s got spunk that woman
Funk that woman
She’s got speed my babe
Got what I need my babe
She’s got the ability
To make a man outta me

But most important of all
Let me tell ya
The lady’s got BALLS

(more…)

 

Since the dawn of time, man has sought out to explore his universe, to understand the places and things around him, and to seek his fortunes about the uncharted plains. Man, while sometimes daunted by these pursuits, persevered, and found himself richer for the experiences of his quest, whether or not that quest itself proved fruitful. And the neverending, ever-changing odyssey of man facing the veritable unknown was undertaken over thousands of years…for one reason.

To get laid. 

Yes, while man’s pursuits have become vast and diverse, his motivation remains singular. Over the millenia, this endeavor became more efficient, ritualized, and somehow involving more paperwork. Gradually there became less paperwork, but then sometimes even more paperwork materialized down the line. Paperwork is unpleasant. But paperwork gets men laid. 

Consider the Wright Brothers, among the greatest explorers of our last century. They sought to conquer the air above us, something no man had ever achieved. They would have told you that their aim was to achieve flight, to obtain a purchasing contract from the government, and to revolutionize the way we travel for decades to come. But they would be lying. For the Wright Brothers sought only to fly to faraway lands, and subsequently fuck every nimble-bodied woman they could find. 

Note the historic words of Neil Armstrong, the first human to walk on Earth’s moon. “One small step for man,” he uttered, “One giant leap for mankind.” Armstrong’s address to the fairer sex was omitted from all the records of the day, but archived audio reveals that the Ohioan was also clearing declaring, “One huge cock for every woman on Earth.”

Man today not only carries a penis, he carries a heavy burden to live up to the conquests of his forefathers. For as the skies and the seas seem familiar to us today, one voyage remains continuous. So go, head forth as your ancestors did before you. Plunge into the depths of your soul and rise with the strength of a thousand donkeys and set forth. 

And get laid.

Here are some photos of women that cheer for NFL teams, or did at some point. Halloween’s coming up, so decide what you’re gonna be. I have my heart set on being Larry Flynt; I won’t have to walk anywhere.

 

 

 

 

And so did we. That’s it for us. Here are some pictures of women that are too good to sleep with you. Maybe you should go outside this weekend and interact with other humans. I would, but I’m surrounded by Southerners, and all they want to talk about is God and the SEC and shit. Fuck them.

This is why these assholes drive around in circles for sport; they’re just as annoyed with each other as they are with themselves. That’s what happens when you can’t buy booze on Sunday.

Photos courtesy of NYJets.com, bigcatcountry, and Bengals.com, respectively.

Mahalo, bitches.

 

    

I’m sure that Cameron (or whatever her real name is) is actually a nice girl, but we’ve already ripped on effeminate men, shown disrespect for the dead, and disseminated tactics to boost album sales. There’s no better way to end the day than some classic oogling.

There has been some debate in the KSK office over what this girl’s native name might be. My money’s on either “Dances With Foreskin” or “Cocka-jewea.” Whatever.

Enjoy your weekend.

Ahhhh… Qwest Field. Beautiful home of Seahawk dominance. The only place in America where fans calling themselves “the 12th Man” have read books without pictures. Site of the annual Seahawks playoff win before a second-round loss. Let’s take a closer look.

Aw jeez. Get out of the way, lady! I’m trying to look at the stadium! You’re blocking my view of the concourse! And part of the word “FIELD”!

Stop smiling for a second. You’re in my sight lines here. Can you maybe just get behind that rock so I can look at Qwest for a second? You will? Thank you.

Oh, Christ. I said BEHIND the rock. You can’t do anything right, can you?

Listen, there’s going to be football played here in the next week, and I’m trying to enjoy this last moment of Zen calm before I start yelling non-stop through January.

Sighhhh. No, I DON’T want you take your top off. Sheesh.

What an absolutely shitty day from top to bottom. One of those days where you think you’re hung over, but no: you are actually bona fide sick. Nothing goes right. People are assholes. It’s hotter than two cats fucking in a wool sock and you worked through lunch.

Well, at least it’s Sexy Friday. Better late than never, I say. Looks like the ‘Skins cheerleaders are in fine form for the Hall of Fame Game:

Welcome back, NFL. You beautiful bitch.