‘Plaxico! Oh, How I Missed You!’

Monday Morning Punter — Mon, 06 Jun 2011 20:41:25 +0000

DREW ROSENHAUS: Plax! You’re out, man! Oh I missed you so much! Give your favorite superagent a hug!

PLAXICO BURRESS: Alright, man! Shit, you want me to start doing your laundry, too?

DREW ROSENHAUS: Sorry, man. It’s just…it’s just great to see you back on the outside, man. We’ve missed you. The league misses you. I felt bad that I couldn’t help you while you were in there, Plax. That I couldn’t protect you. But now that you’re with us again, I’m going to do everything I can to get you back to your same state of mind as before. You’ll be carrying your Glock back around in your sweatpants in no time.

PLAXICO BURRESS: So you get any calls from any teams?

DREW ROSENHAUS: Uhhh, well there’s a lockout right now, Plex. Teams are forbidden from contacting players. So…uh…nobody has been allowed to contact me about you.

PLAXICO BURRESS: But they want me, right? They know what I can bring to the field, right? Superior athleticism tempered with a horrible work ethic? They want me, right?

DREW ROSENHAUS: I told you, man. Teams aren’t allowed to call. Next question.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Don’t you think it’s a little weird that Donte Stallworth killed a guy and only got two weeks in jail, whereas I only shot myself and would up doing almost two years of hard time?

DREW ROSENHAUS: Next question.

PLAXICO BURRESS: I can still be a productive receiver, right? Even though I turn 34 in August?

DREW ROSENHAUS: Next question.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Why can’t the GOP find a competent nominee for the 2012 race?

DREW ROSENHAUS: Next question.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Did you see X-Men First Class yet? I’m kinda sad that the one gay guy won’t be in it.

DREW ROSENHAUS: Hugh Jackman?

PLAXICO BURRESS: No, the other one.

DREW ROSENHAUS: Ian McKellan?

PLAXICO BURRESS: No, the other one.

DREW ROSENHAUS: That one guy in that animated Easter Bunny movie?

PLAXICO BURRESS: …I think so. What was his name?

DREW ROSENHAUS: I don’t know. Next question.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Do you have a gun I can borrow? You know, until I can get back on my feet?

DREW ROSENHAUS: No.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Please?

DREW ROSENHAUS: No.

PLAXICO BURRESS: Come on, man! Leigh Steinberg would give me a gun.

DREW ROSENHAUS: There’s a 9-millimeter in the glove box. Now let’s go smoke some weed.

Unsilent Majority — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 13:04:10 +0000

Soldier of Fortune Kellen Winslow Jr. must have really impressed the Bucs brass during his tour of the facilities because Glazer and company have already rewarded their new tight end with a record-setting contract. The six year deal is worth $36.1 million with an impressive sum of 20.1 million in guaranteed cash. That should be more than enough capital to get his odd couple pilot in the can. [NFL]

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‘Plaxico! Oh, How I Missed You!’