“De-ah Tawmmy,

It has recently come to my attention that they-ah were-ah SEVEE-AH CLAWK MANAGEMENT ERRAHS during the cowrse of Supah Bowl Fawty Too. Aftah reading the many haaaahtfelt pleas from loyal, dedicated, and very special Patriot fans the world ovah awn a recent and very legitimate petition, I have ruled that thah final touchdown sco-wahd by those fackin’ faggots the New Yark fackin’ Giants shouldn’t count. They-ah fo-ah, I would like to personally congratulate you and thah great Patriot fans on a perfect 19-0 season. Well done. Once again, fackin’ Bawston fans prove that they alone have the ability to determine thah outcome of any sporting contest. FACKIN’ BIG UPS TO THE GAWDDAMN PATS JUGGUHNUT!”

Hah?

Hah?

How the fack you like that, you fackin’ Giant facks? APRIL FACKIN’ FOOLS, YA FACKIN’ SHITEATAHS! The Lawmbahaaaahdi Trophy is finally fackin’ goin’ back where it fackin’ belawngs: an otherwise unusable tract of land in Fawxburrow! Nice!

This is thah perfect gift for Pats fans after all we’ve been through! You Giant faggots will nevah know what it was like for us this wintah! Fahhhhh worse than any of that 9/11 shit. What do you need a WORLD Trade Center fah? Stawp trading ou-ah gold away to some fackin’ Dubai camelfackahs and show a little FACKIN’ SAWLIDARITY, YOU FACKS!

I know thah perfect way to celebrate this well-earned victory. I’M GONNA GO WAWTCH THE FACKIN’ SAWX! ON THE MONSTAH! That’s what any good fackin’ Patriot fan does! Then I’m gawnna go home and watch “Gawne Baby Gawne” for the 17th time. Remember that paaaaht whe-ah Amy fackin’ Ryan tells her-ah sistah to sack a fackin’ nigga’s cawk? THAT’S MY FAVORITE FACKIN’ PAAAAAHT! I use that line awl the time now! ‘Bout time Benny Affleck came through and showed the world that fackin’ BASTON IS THE HAAAAAHDEST TOWN IN THE U.S. OF FACKIN’ A!

And I’m gonna fackin’ frame this fackin’ lettah! Nice goin’, Rawj. Now get rid of awl the daaaahkies and awl will be right with the world!

Wait a second. What’s on the othah side of this lettah? “Schlawtzsky’s Deli”? OH MY FACKIN GAWD! IT’S A FACKIN’ WRAPPAH!

My fackin’ New Yark friend DeanO fackin’ did this! THAT FACKIN’ PRICK! DeanO, I will fackin’ find you and fack you with a haaaaaahpoon, you fackah!

UPDATE: Why, you’ll never guess who bragged online today that Wes Welker could beat up Tiger Woods. I’m as shocked as you!