Kissing Suzy Kolber » the emo eagles

Dare The Emo Eagles Dream The Impossible Dream?

Christmas Ape — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 11:22:52 +0000

Song: “Bleed the Dream” — Broken Wings
Mood: Somewhere between reverie and incubus

Everyone is saying that the Eagles, through free agent machinations and general wheelings and dealings, have assembled a “dream team“.

Mull on that term for a second.

The suggestion is that, were one to drift into slumber, that the roster, as currently composed, would be the stuff of most delirious, unchecked fantasy. An assemblage of players untrammeled by even the most basic limitations of reality. Taken together, they would offer a blissful escape to any who would so much as regard them with plain eyes.

But whose dreams ever truly conform to their deepest desires? None that I’ve had, to be sure. Yet that’s what always represented to us in Hollywood depictions. More often than not, however, dreams comprise a window looking onto our sharpest anxieties, our greatest fears. If anything, a dream team would be frustrating as any other that Eagles fans have suffered through. Maybe even more so.

So I cringe when I hear that the Eagles refer to themselves as a dream team. I gather myself in a fetal position on my bed and I listen to The Smiths. I wrap my arms in wrist bands from wrist to elbow to prevent the wrath of a wayward blade. I quake for my mother’s touch.

In the end, I will force myself to be brave. Adding Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, Ronnie Brown and Nnamdi Asomugha to the roster of what was already a playoff team is a good thing. A very good happy thing. A joyous thing that I should not question, as much as I would like to. A thing that I should embrace as a sign of fortune’s overdue swing in my favor.

Much as I hesitate to admit it, this could be a signpost that the days of the following are behind us:

And that this is giving way to what’s to come:

If this is indeed a brave new world, I am hoping that it is more than a dream. More than an Inception onion to be peeled. I am dreaming that it is the beginning of a new reality. One where a person need not escape into dreams for pleasure. Or shrink from dreams for fear that dreams speak too much of the self. Basically, to dream of a dream that grants simple pleasure without a reminder of the struggle.

In other words, the championship shall be drugs. With more potency than the ones I’ve already used to escape the world.

Michael Vick Light Bests Michael Vick In Every Taste Test

Christmas Ape — Wed, 29 Dec 2010 04:35:10 +0000

The Eagles blowing their shot at a first-round bye by losing at home to Joe Webb? Sumptuous failure or DELIBERATE SABOTAGE AGAINST THE GIANTS, WHO NEED THE BEARS TO TRY TO BEAT THE PACKERS! I’ll take a glorious screwing over of two obnoxious NFC East teams in one night, thanks.

What I couldn’t truck, however, was this overwrought Springsteen overlaid montage for Favre’s lost season of bullshit. Yes, Favre’s 2010 pickkake had all the pathos of The Wrestler, a movie about a guy who kept pursuing a violent trade because he’s a wreck and has no money left and not a total drama queen hellbent on holding the entire sports world hostage to his need for attention for months at a time.

DIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIEDIE

Though PK says it could use another pinch of nutmeg and maybe a drizzling of his lofty load.

Included for sheer Photoshop potential.

Today, My Broken Heart Runs Kolb

Christmas Ape — Wed, 22 Sep 2010 15:26:45 +0000

Song: “Knives and Pens” — Black Veil Brides
Mood: Most Morose

When you’ve lived long enough to experience the kind of grief that I have (24 in October!!), few tragedies catch you off guard. Having to settle for the third college on your list. Being saddled with semester after semester of jerk roommates. Not being blessed with the kind of pointless overrated lead singer in a shitty band voice that makes Samantha fall in love with you in clear deviance of her better interests. I’ve dealt with some of the worst that life has to offer.

Every so often, however, there sneaks a devastating cruelty past the safeguards of even your most cynical expectations. Those are the ones that really get you. The ones you can’t shake off, that make the full malevolence in the world so self-evident that it could be referenced in Satan’s founding document of Hell. I could never begin to know the full complexity of Kevin Kolb, but I bet that’s what he has to be feeling at this moment.

You see, Kolb was selected in the second round of the 2007 NFL draft. High enough to be regarded as a viable starter, but low enough to he could be allowed to whither on the bench’s vines for several years. He did so with dignity, but also with hope that eventually his day would come. He never spoke out of line and did what was expected of him. And though it took the departure of an underappreciated legend happening before its time, Kolb’s day did come. Only that day ended in disaster. He suffered a concussion, the type of injury that will be one day render him homeless and incompetent. Someone to be hauled in front of Congress as a cautionary tale of the sport.

That will come later, of course. For now, Kolb is still a football player. The concussion should have only been a minor setback. He had earned this job, after all. Only no. Fairness would make too much sense. That would be the script if we operated according to our better angels. But how often do they have a a part in how things play out?

Instead, a total jerkwheat comes forward to usurp the job with a few flashy plays. Here is a man capable of unspeakable evil, nevertheless able to dazzle all around him with athleticism. And now he is proclaimed leader. How can people be so blind as to the inner workings of the soul? I want to say they will pay for lack of perspective, but I know from experience that they will probably not.

I want to say the lesson of Kevin Kolb is that one must disregard the virtues of patience and simply, maybe callously, take our most heartfelt desires. To do otherwise is only to foster deception. Deception most inimical.

Your Life is a Long-Winded, Unfunny Version of a Rom-Com: the KSK Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag

Captain Caveman — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 20:42:35 +0000

“Hey everybody. So, I have this dilemma. I’m super busy with work all the time, so I hired a hooker to help me relax because I don’t have time to deal with meeting women and developing a real relationship. But then the craziest thing happened: not only did she give professional-grade head, she was also a really nice person. I wanted to see her again. So of course I bought her some new clothes, took her to a polo match, introduced her to my friends — the usual. It was all going really well until my A-hole lawyer found out about her being a hooker and put the moves on her. Anyway, I paid her for the full week, but she left without taking the money and I think it’s because we’ve fallen in love. Should I go after her?”

That sounds pretty retarded, right? Read on, there’s a submission this week that’s longer-winded and just as ridiculous.

Dear KSK,
Sex: My girlfriend and I have been doing the dirty for about 6 months now. All is well and good, however, one thing kinda sticks out- I’ve never gotten her off. Not once. As far as I know, my average sized penis has been doing just fine, and I’ve actually been blessed with pretty strong stamina regarding how long I can last. I kind of feel like an asshole after I come because I’ve never made her come. So, any recommendations? Positions perhaps?

The most important variable here is one you left out: has she been able to come with other people? If not, then the problem likely resides in her head (or possibly her choice of partner).

Listen, women have a maze of internal genitalia is difficult to manipulate. What works on one woman does nothing for another. Some girls can only come if you go down on them, some girls don’t like receiving oral. Some girls need to be on top to come, others get their best orgasms from doggystyle. And some women, due to either biology or mental block, have never had an orgasm. Whatever advice I might have for you in terms of bedroom technique will likely be irrelevant — and so will any other women weighing in on the issue, because they don’t have your girlfriend’s specific sexual makeup.

The only thing you can do is ask her what she wants and what she likes. Good sex, like a good relationship, depends on communication.

Football: I’m a Patriots fan. I hate the Colts. I would give up any potential children I have in the future to see a Colts flameout against the Ravens. No real question here.
Thanks,
Bitter Pats Fan

This is what happens when you send in questions before the weekend. Ouch. And now everyone’s going to pile on because you’re just one more Pats fan who can’t satisfy his girlfriend. But I bet she knows how to take a punch, eh?

Whats up,
FF first – Okay, so my high school friends and I have finished our 4th year of our league and it is fantastic. It took a while to find the right combo of 12 guys, but after kicking people out and adding people I believe we have a solid 12. The problem is is that there are 3 or 4 more people I want to be in our league. I am a control freak and have had bad experiences being in leagues that I was not the commish, but I don’t want to expand to above 12. So the options that I have are…A) start a second, keeper league. Little bit of a twist from our redraft league, get to add the new guys, but I’m worried that the regular league would not continue going strong. B) start an EPL style “league”…with relegation and promotion. Sounds awesome, but not sure if the lower league would feel like they are playing for anything since they are “lesser”. C) wait for my friends to get married and have real shit they have to take care and see if the waiting list still exists. or D) join a totally separate league with a commish that is not as good as I.

Man, are you chock-full of bad ideas. Don’t fuck up a good thing. Add the new folks if other people leave.

Sex – Nuva Rings…fuck em. I got fucked over by one because I was not expecting it and got blindsided by it. Short explanation first…first few times with the girl, no nuva ring, no sex (morals…rare thing these days), but then one evening I encounter the nuva ring, I get flustered/curious, mood gets killed, things go downhill from there. Since I hope to have a fresh start this semester, my question is how to handle it? I’m not sure if I can just act like its not there…because it is there, and its fucking weird. Having her taking it out is a mood killer…but I am wrapping up either way because I don’t want some little fucker to ruin my 20′s. What’s the best way to approach these things?
Sincerely,
Hoping no one I know reads this mailbag

Oh, you got “fucked over” by a NuvaRing? No you didn’t. Getting fucked over by a NuvaRing is getting your girlfriend pregnant because it didn’t work (note: that is merely anecdotal, not a fact you should base your decisions on). YOU just happened to be surprised by its presence inside your woman’s plumbing.

Settle down, rookie. It’s a little rubber ring that’s preventing your woman’s baby-making capabilities, not vagina dentata.

Gentlemen (and Drew),
Sex: When is it no longer OK to knock boots with the wife when a potentially awake baby is in the next room?

To answer your negative question with a negative: never. Which is to say, it is ALWAYS okay to have sex with your wife with a potentially awake baby in the next room. You just need to be quieter as the kid gets older.

Football: When the NFL fines players, where does the money go? I’m specifically curious about the punt returner (Clifton Smith) who got destroyed earlier this season. Don’t know if Dante Wesley ever got fined, but if he did, does Smith see any of that money, or is it reward enough for him to get a letter from the league informing him his misfortune has led to four exciting new acquisitions to the Roger Goodell Suit Collection?
-Durham Drinks

Wesley wasn’t fined, but he did serve a one-game suspension without pay, which translates to somewhere in the neighborhood of $50K, give or take. Whether the Panthers have to fork that money over to the NFL or just enjoy the benefit of not paying a player, I don’t know.

As for your question about where actual fines go, the best I can do is WikiAnswers: “NFL fines go to non-profit organizations (i.e. cancer awareness programs etc).” I can’t verify that that’s true, but it does sound familiar, which is good enough for me to believe it. So Clifton Smith probably didn’t see any of that money, unless he started the Clifton Smith Anti-Concussion League. But at least it didn’t pad Goodell’s coffers.

KSK,
Sex or really a relationship question driven by sex: Being a shy, fat guy in high school, I was a virgin till college. Hit the weights and found some self esteem but have always still been shy around girls. Now I am that guy always with a bunch of friends who are girls. Saying my first attempt at sex was bad is an understatement. It was terrible and so I just basically focused on school and then now life. Im 22, and my problem comes in as a 33 year old. This girl is awesome fun to be around smart hot and got her shit together. Which I have learned is hard to find in girls my own age. Being unexperienced when it comes to girls I was oblivious to the fact she would even look at me until a mutual buddy told me she wanted on my dick. He was correct and we started hooking up. Sex with her is phenomenal and of course I say that with nothing good to compare it to but best I can say is being with her is better than any porn sex I have seen.

I understand what you’re trying to say, but you really shouldn’t compare porn sex to real sex. Men expecting regular women to act like porn stars is similar to women expecting men to act like the sensitive hunks in romantic comedies: yeah, there’s a couple freaks out there, but it’s best to temper expectations.

FF through a few months of amazing weekly hookups

Oh, fast forward. That’s not the best abbreviation to use for a fantasy football mailbag, you know.

and she asks me to go out with her for New Years. Like a dumbass I decline because even though things have been great, it is getting that relationship vibe. This leads to a talk about how she likes me and all this is fun, but she is old enough that she knows what she wants out of life and that she is really looking for someone to be with not to just fuck. I end up telling her I dont want a relationship at all. She left with basically a no harm no foul additude

You know who else has additude? Mathletes.

no fighting or getting upset and I was left kicking my own ass. I ended up going out where she was and still getting her to come home with me but now things are akward. We are still hooking up but def not with the same frequency and same excitement and she has made it known she is dating and as soon as she gets interested in someone the hooking up will stop. So now I notice myself calling her more trying to talk to her and when she comes over doing more of the wanting her to stay. I guess my question is, am I just a total idiot for not pursuing a relationship with this girl or am I just getting that whole want what you can’t have syndrome now that I know she is dating? I just feel like I have so much to accomplish and do still before I can settle down but on the flip I don’t want to end up being that sad fucker who ends up always taking about the “one girl” he let get away.

You’re only a total idiot for acting like you want her more now that she’s put you on ice. She sounds like a great woman, but you’re obviously not ready to settle down. You need to respect the single woman in her 30s: she knows what she wants in a man, and she only has so much time to produce babies. There will be other women for you, and by the time you’re her age, you’ll want someone who’s your age now.

Football: I feel incomplete without fantasy so I guess I just really have a sex question.
-LS

Try going without both. It’s no way to live.

Freudian Fappers,
Football first: Is it ok for me to wear a jersey to a Super Bowl party when your team isn’t competing? If I’m going to be rooting for Favre to throw a pick, or for Bush to dislocate a knee, I’d like to be doing it in one of my jerseys.

I’ve seen numerous articles and blog posts about the appropriate rules for jersey wear, and very few of them agree on all the finer points. Personally, I feel like a fraud wearing a football jersey — especially an NFL one — because I’ve got the build of a kicker. But I don’t begrudge anyone else their desire to wear a team jersey. However, I also retain the right to make fun of you if you’re wearing the jersey of a team that isn’t competing, because then you’re just a third-party asshole.

Sex: My girlfriend of over three years has been saving it for marriage (which is not coming for a few more years). I’m fine with that because I love her, and the no-sex thing doesn’t rule out oral (oh, Catholic girls). That being said, its easy for her to add variety to a bj – just switch up the angle/location/direction and you’re set. However, the options a guy has for eating girls out is limited… or so I think. I was wondering if there was a tome that men could consult to find this shit? Sorta like the kama sutra but for cunnilingus.
Thanks for your ridicule (and perhaps, advice).
~J

Man, we’re getting lots of letters from people waiting to have sex until marriage lately. What an awful trend.

Have you tried having her sit/kneel on your face? That gives you a better angle to stimulate her G-spot (if it exists) manually while your mouth is focused on the clit. It gives her a little bit more freedom of movement, too. Or there’s the go-to porn favorite of having her bent over, which gives you access to the famed third hole. If you’re into that.

Bandwidth Barons,
Football: Can you please rank these mid- to low- tier QBs in order for 2010: Garrard, Sanchez, Cassel, Flacco.

I assume you mean for fantasy purposes. I’d put Flacco at #1 for consistency and the added running threat, Garrard at #2 for his freak big games, Cassel at 3 and Sanchez at 4. I think the Jets are going to be running a helluva lot more next year now that Big Rex has finally let Shonn Greene run loose.

Sex: I’m in a happy 3-year relationship, my gf is hot (5’9″ 130lbs, blonde, 34D), the sex is frequent and good.

Once again: we don’t give a shit about descriptions of girls unless they’re accompanied by photos. Without that, the following statement is just as true as your unproven assertions: Your girlfriend’s face is BUSTED. Somebody set her face on fire and put it out with acid. She’s the Elephant Man in a skirt.

We were both pretty keen on experimenting with another couple we know (no male-male business) for some 4some action.The other girl is also hot, the gf and I know her well, we agreed she’d be great for this kind of thing and I was pumped. Unfortunately, her fiancee

Her fiancee is a woman?!?! Best. Foursome. EVER.

lives in another city. He was back in town two weeks ago and he has gained a fair amount of weight.

Wait, “he”? Dammit, people. Fiancee with two E’s is a woman, with one E is a guy. You’re killin’ me here.

My gf also got to know him more and finds him kind of weird (I wasn’t out with them, but I had thought so too when meeting him before, but I was willing to make that sacrifice).

She now doesn’t want to have a 4way with that couple but it still interested in the idea itself. She brought up the subject in bed the other night and said “There MUST be someone else who would be into that sort of thing..”. What would be the best way to approach finding another interested couple? I’ve thought about approaching friends, but if I misread the situation and they were offended or shocked, I wouldn’t want my entire group of friends to hear about this. On the other hand, trying to find random people via personal ads, Craigslist, etc. seems sketchy, and the gf has voiced that she isn’t too keen on that (perhaps rightfully so). Thoughts?
Thanks!
Relationship by Committee

If she doesn’t want to do Craigslist, then you’ll need to get hotter friends. If you wanna dabble in the fringes of sexual experimentation, you may have to come to grips with the realization that those weirdos generally find each other online.

Dear KSK,
First, fantasy. I’m in a 12-team fantasy league, which I won this year for the first time. Sweet. It’s a keeper league, though – and I can keep three. The candidates:

Roethlisberger
Brady
Ray Rice
Thomas Jones
Jamaal Charles
Randy Moss
Hines Ward

I’m leaning towards Brady, Ray Rice, and Randy Moss. I figure Brady/Moss aren’t done yet, and I think Thomas Jones is getting a little old (and the Jets will have a three-headed monster next season once Washington is back). Am I being a total dickbag here?

Eh, I’d keep Brady, Rice, and Charles. With Brady and Moss so inextricably linked, you risk bombing on two-thirds of your keepers if just one of them gets hurt or shows a career downturn. By picking Charles over Moss, you minimize that risk and get a young stud on a team that doesn’t operate on running back by commission.

Second, sex. I actually don’t have any sex questions, but I saw the mailbag was slow so I thought I’d ask about fantasy.
Thanks,
Jason

Hey man, sometimes the mailbag goes slow. Sometimes it goes fast. Whatever you need, baby, the mailbag can give you.

To Whom It May Concern,
I’ve been chasing this girl for a year. I moved here last year and became completely enamored with our very attractive receptionist here at work. She was in a relationship at the time so I played the good friend role. We go on smoke breaks together and go to lunch and what not. So she and her boyfriend come to an end because he’s and alcoholic dickbag or whatever. I didn’t pry, and she didn’t talk about it much. We start hanging out more and she’d come over to my place and we be playing around so I made a move and kissed her. That led to some excellent shirtless making out, but she put the brakes on when I went for the pants. Ok, cool, no rush. Over the months we’ve been good friends and I’d get the occasional invite up to her place (she lives about 45 minutes away) and once I’m there she’d ask if I’d want to stay the night. So of course I do. Nothing ever happens during the nights I’d stay up there. She show no signs of wanting anything intimate and I was too nervous to press it without some sort of hint of what she wanted. When it comes time to sleep she would ask if I wanted to come to bed. There’s a perfectly comfortable couch, but she’d always ask if I’d want to sleep in the bed. So of course I do. She strips down to a tank top and panties to sleep. Again no action at night. When the morning comes though, I just said fuck it and went for it. Success. Everything is great. She’s affectionate and giving and all in all a very good time. But once fun time is over and she (or we, sometimes) get out of the shower, all that affection is gone. No hugs or anything. So this goes on for a while. It seemed like every third weekend or some random day I’d be invited and the same story unfolds. She’s even invited me to houses she is house sitting to stay over and same story there as well. All this time we keep a very good friendship going, which is great because we get along, enjoy each other, smiles, laughs, sunshine, puppies, and rainbows.

The last time we got together she had mentioned that she doesn’t think she wanted a fuck buddy. We then fuck. At this point, I’m feeling like more than a fuck buddy, and that’s what I want. You know, companionship and all that. But no go for her. She explains how she really likes me and has some feelings for me, doesn’t regret anything we’ve done, but doesn’t want a boyfriend at the moment. She feels she needs to get her life together and whatnot. She works two jobs and doesn’t have a lot of free time. So I do the most obvious thing and TALK TO HER about how I feel, and what I want, and how flexible I am to work around her schedule. Well too bad for me it seems. No girlfriend for me and no more sex. I tell her that something has to change then. I can’t be her best friend and joke and laugh with her and see her smile without wanted to be more with her. She just wants to keep being best buddies like nothing ever happened. So I told her I’d need some time to figure things out and have been relatively quiet to her up until recently I started talking to her again and trying to just be a friend (seeing as I don’t have many of my own in the first place, and we are the only two in our age group at work). Its ok now, but I still have that yearning.

Ok, so the actual question I have is: Now that I’ve gone from “Friend Zone” to “Fuck Buddy” and now back to “Friend Zone”, is there any hope to get back to the promised land, ideally a relationship and if not that, just some fun weekends without any clothes on? I’m fairly sure I know the answer to this, maybe I just needed to vent. Do I just wait it out as a “friend” until she is ready, if ever? I feel like a tool being her clown and feeling like I’m just kept around to amuse her when she is feeling down. I just can’t help that I feel so strongly about her, and its hard to put it aside when I see her looking so good everyday. If being forced to move on is the way to go, how do I go about not picturing her naked doing naughty things to me everytime I see her?

Wow, that was the longest and most boring description of (500) Days of Summer I’ve ever read. My advice: go cut yourself — if not for your situation, then at least for your atrocious inability to self-edit.

As for football… well, the season is over and all I have to look forward to is a shitstorm of media induced QB controversy, and endless complaining about our lack of commitment to a running game of any resemblance, again. On top of that, an 11-5 season (which would be quite an acheivement for about half the league) is completely nullified by being utterly dominated and embarrassed by the fucking Cowboys. Two fucking weeks in a row. Add that to the loss earlier in the season will make for extremely insufferable encounters with Cowboy fans in the near future. It was better when all they could come back with was “We have 5 rings!!!”. I swear if they win another one this year I’m going to go batshit insane. 44-6 feels like so long ago…. It hurts to root for Favre, but hopefully the Vikings can erase that smug, cocksucking, shit eating grin from Romo’s face. No real question, unless you can tell me the proper way to cut myself…..
Signed,
As Emo As I Seem

Oh, you’re an Eagles fan. Just a little hint for future communiques: when you write in an email that you moved “here” and call your team “we,” other people don’t automatically know what the fuck you’re talking about.

Also, you’ll bleed out fastest if you cut the femoral artery. But don’t do that. Your tears are far too delicious and nourishing.

The Emo Eagles Are Willing to Grant Redemption to Those Who Have Wronged

Christmas Ape — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 14:04:51 +0000

Mood: Hounded :/
Song: “Love Dog” – TV on the Radio

I was absolutely rocked, positively blindsided by the news of yesterday evening. I had few words then, and I don’t know if I can muster more now.

Of course, I speak of Samantha’s Tweet on her private feed that she’s on of the outs with Mathias and actually (yes!) regretting jilting me the way she did. Obviously, our mutual friend had to show it to me since she still hasn’t approved my request to view the feed, but I felt incredibly close to her nonetheless.

But what does this mean? It’s an ethical quandary is what. How do you welcome back someone who’s done such obvious wrong? The pain from the time I made my advance at Dave’s pool party and she stood there and laughed belly laughs for an entire minute, to the point that she had to prop herself against a deck chair to keep from doubling over. Is that forgivable sin? I guess a handy analog would be how the Eagles just signed Michael Vick. That was a bit of a shock as well. Here’s someone who was capable of malevolence – bringing death where life had thrived, upon beings of innocence! Still, he has suffered duly for his transgression and he actually managed to lose to the Eagles in an NFC Title Game, so in a way I have fond associations of him!

I am a believer in second chances, be it for heart stompers or dog killers. How could I not be? Certainly no being of perfect rectitude am I. If I am able to behold myself in the mirror, in full knowledge of the deceit that I am capable of and the deceit that I have in fact perpetrated, it would be low of me to judge another.

So who knows? Perhaps one day not far off in the future, we will be welcomed into Samantha’s private feed as a friend (and maybe more) and a troubled quarterback and a beleaguered franchise can find peace and success. But that’s only if we’re willing to give them a chance to earn forgiveness.

Birds of Gay: Emo Eagle vs. Emo Cardinal. WHO YA GOT?

Christmas Ape — Fri, 16 Jan 2009 13:30:36 +0000

Emotions run high in the postseason. Emotions also cascade down the cheeks of the losers in the form of warm, salty failure. These are felt no more keenly than by these sensitive souls. Sure, they try to tell themselves their teams have exceeded expectations and that they are therefore immune to crestfalling after a title game defeat. Because they’ll need your emotional support, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Emo Eagles______________________________Will Leitch

Team

The Fierce Rune Blade That is the Philadelphia Eagles______The Buzzsaw That is the Arizona Cardinals

Song They Want Collective Soul to Play at Halftime

“Shine”___________________________“The World I Know”

Recent title from favorite baseball team so you don’t have to feel bad for him

Last October______________________2006

Top 2008 Emo Vampire Movie: Twilight or Let the Right One In?

Twilight!________________________Did Woody Allen direct one?

Injury That Follows Loss

Razor blade to the wrist__________________________Cookie sheet to face

Celebration After Win

Tears of fathomable joy________________________Indoctrinating all the new Cardinals fans

Finishing move

Not yet buying into recent good fortune_________________Brushing up on naked Antonio Pierce

The Curse of Billy Penn is Over! I’m So Happy I Could Get Concussed By Some Eight-Volts!

Christmas Ape — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 01:58:57 +0000

Mood: Delirious!
Song: “White Riot,” The Clash

I’m so…so… — fuck it I’ve got three Smirnoff Ices in me — happy!

We did it! This town finally won a title. No more wallowing in dejection and overwhelming rancor. We’re a people who are ready to love again.

Hark! It sounds as though some folks have already started with the raillery outside my door. Perhaps I will join them in the spreading of cheer.

Felicitations friends! We’re champions of the–

OH GOD WHAT ARE DOING WITH ME! NO, NOT THE PANTS! DON’T SET MY PUBES ON FIRE! OOOOWWWW FUCK!

LEAVE ME IN PEACE. I ONLY WISH TO CELEBRATE OUR – NNNNOOOO! MY ANUS IS NOT THE APPROPRIATE PLACE FOR THE PARKING METER!

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKK

Please. Please.

Just leave me here to die.

Uuuuuunnnnnnhhhhhhh. The torrents of batteries… They were too much…

The Clouds Are Parting! Everything’s Gonna Be All Right! It’s The Era of Good Feelings!

Christmas Ape — Tue, 21 Oct 2008 17:21:16 +0000

Mood: Buoyant??????
Song: “Bad Days,” The Flaming Lips

The Phillies are on the verge of ending the 25-year Philly title drought. It’s gonna happen! I’m so deliriously not sad that I could venture -get this! – outside the house. Look at all the cool stuff out here. Sunshine! Birds! People not conspiring to make my life miserable! Where’s all this been?

I’m almost…wait, hold the phone. The sides of my mouth, extending in at upwards angle? Can it do that? Are the legends true?

As much as I know the Rays are a tough team, recent history is on the Phillies’ side. This decade has repeatedly awarded long-suffering franchises. The Red Sox and the White Sox got theirs. Sure, the Indians the Cubs got turned back in the post-season, but there’s precedent! Sweet, sweet precedent.

C’mon Hamels! You gotta do this one for me, Chutley! I can’t go back to putting all my hopes on the Iggles. Andy Reid is trying to kill me. I have better luck with girls than he does with goal line offense. I hammer it in more often. Oh God, how sweet it will be. A title will give the lease on life I need to be such an abject pussy. It’s true! I know! But things are changing!

Goddamit Fightins’ You have to do this. DeSean Jackson is the kind of tard who would drop a gun at a crime scene. The Flyers will find a way to fuck it up. Oh no, darkness is descending again. Back in the house! Back in the house!

The Emo Eagles Don’t Want To Bring The Girls Into This

Christmas Ape — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 21:00:21 +0000

Song: Taking Back Sunday, “There’s No ‘I’ In Team”
Mood : Wary :/

Hey, the Eagles are doing all right. A few more performances like the one against the Rams and there might be serious cause for excitement. I know that’s something that’s hard to come by around here. With early season triumphs comes a return to crisp autumn air, perfect for donning hoodies and concealing the tan I didn’t get over the summer. Dare I say that things for the first time in a while are starting to look up.

Or at least they were. Until Jessica Simpson had to unleash her litany of searing taunts.

Women. Their cold, calculating cruelties never fail to cut me to the core. Well, fine, Romo beau, you with your lotus life. I know your new country album is freighted with heartbreak, but I know it not to be authentic. Nothing earns my disdain like the cries of apocryphal suffering. Besides, the ladies of Philadelphia are no less assured of victory. Just the other day, Samantha totally told me she thinks Philly is going to own on Monday night.

Okay, she didn’t tell me that. That’s been her Gchat away message and Facebook status for two days now. Even though she doesn’t speak to me much, posting such things is a clear sign that she wants to me to stay abreast of her thoughts and affairs. I mean, we would talk more but she’s always showing the red icon in chat, so I’m never quite sure how to proceed with initiating conversation. I just assume she has better things to do.

This team is really all I have going right now.

The Emo Eagles Welcome Shawn Andrews To The Flock

Christmas Ape — Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:32:22 +0000

Song: “Needle In The Hay” Elliott Smith
Mood: Weltsmertz :(

Down some dark defile of the mind, terra incognito to the blithe and bourgeois notions of normalcy, lies a swath of consciousness shrouded in a substance as dark as Kevin Curtis is light. Shawn Andrews has seen this place. So, too, have I. Indeed, I’ve felt its wintry contours and been contained within its clammy manacles.

There is no 4th and 26 in this place. There is no (some other accomplishment in Eagles history).

It is very essence of inner tumult. It is the disease of depression.

When I first read that Shawn Andrews had not just looked, but plunged, into this abyss, I reacted much as William Styron did when he first read Camus: I received the stab of recognition that only proceeds from a writer who weds moral passion and a quiet strength.

“Football is important” he said. “A means to an end, but my mental health, I feel like, is a lot more important. That’s a helluva lot of money … Money’s good, money’s a necessity, but it’s not everything. I can’t put a price tag on my mental state.”

Richly emotive.

Unstinting in its power.

Only a bit gay.

Even more than the ineffable and unrelatable darkness of melancholia, he has weathered the slings and arrows of five years in Philly. They say Ricky Watters blacks out anytime he sees a green shirt. And he was only here three years.

I can only hope that Andrews will find actual help and not some doctor who will try to narcotize him to a stupor. I had sworn off my pills, well, until I saw that’s what Zack Braff’s character did in Garden State. Even I’m not ready to emulate that guy. I took a month’s worth of Lexapro as soon as I turned it off. I’m almost regretting that. Since sales of my latest collection of sestinas, “Oleaginous Hypocrisy” are less than brisk, I might try to conserve some of that Lexapro to barter for Eagles preseason tickets. You’d be surprised how far those go with Iggles faithful.