ATLANTA FALCONS The Falcons are scrambling to avoid a blackout of this weekend’s home opener. Granted I’m a cynic, but I don’t think knocking ten bucks off the price of a nosebleed ticket is going to entice the worst sports fans in America to come to the Georgia Dome. However, I have a sure fire way for the Falcons to capitalize on its two largest demographics and ensure a sellout: 1) schedule Jeff Foxworthy vs. Ne-Yo vs. NWO Sting in a Monster Truck race; and 2) cancel that boring-ass football game.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS The question on the minds of many Saints fans heading into this season: Is this finally going to be the year that Reggie Bush establishes himself as a standout offensive weapon? Of course, the answer to that question is a resounding “hell naw.” Bush is a bust—a spicy, Creole-style laissez les bon temps roulez bust—but a bust all the same.

Experts and fans alike mocked former Houston GM Charley Casserly mercilessly after the Texans made Mario Williams the number one pick in the 2006 draft. So, the real question is why hasn’t Casserly hasn’t used one of his informative yet hopelessly dull segments on CBS with James Brown as a platform to crow about his prescient selection. Go ahead, Charley, feel free to tell us all to lick your musty old taint. You’ve earned it!

Sit and spin, assholes!

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