Nickname: Pep

Height: 6′7″

Weight: 283

Reach: If you can see him he can hit you.

Sponsor: Orange Julius

Ring Music: Eric B. and Rakim’s Relax With Pep

Hometown: Bailey, NC

Pedigree: Julius’s parents must have known their son was going to be a ridiculous athlete considering that they named him after Dr. J and Clyde Frazier.

Strength: He’s the best pure athlete in the competition.

Weakness: He’d rather be playing basketball.

Predilection towards violence: Ingesting the wrong dietary supplement could put him in a rage and/or lead to a suspension.

Fighting Style: Julius relies heavily on his ring generalship, aided by his brilliant footwork and outstanding reach.

Nickname: Low Daddy

Height: 5′11″

Weight: 255

Reach: Not much.

Sponsor: Athletic Nation

Ring Music: Grab Them Cakes

Hometown: Hanford, CA. The town that just started recognizing Martin Luther King Jr. Day last year is also the hometown of Tyson Chandler, Steve Perry, and steroid enthusiast Ken Caminiti.

Pedigree: Lorenzo was an All-American wrestler at Fresno State.

Strength: Putting people on their asses.

Weakness: Stubby fingers mean he’ll never be a great sax player.

Predilection towards violence: Because he doesn’t get nearly enough physical contact as a lead blocker in the NFL Lorenzo returns to Fresno each off-season to work out with college wrestlers.

Fighting Style: He’ll come right at you and brawl, but that style belies his technical abilities.

Nickname: The Rolling Ball of Butcher Knives

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 242 lbs.

Reach: That nickname (bestowed upon him by Brad Childress)

Sponsor: Under Armor

Ring Music: Boom

Hometown: Bruceton, Tennessee, the home of literally dozens of other people.

Pedigree: Patrick had the kind of tragic childhood that we’ve seen from countless boxers over the years. The Peterson brothers are a great example of how boxing can help young men learn proper focus and discipline in the wake of tragedy.

Strength(s): Seeking. Destroying.

Weakness: Fudge

Predilection towards violence: Paternal neglect oftentimes results in pent up aggression.

Fighting Style: Willis is a whirling dervish in the ring. He’s going to throw punches, and if you’re too crazy/slow to stay out of his way you’re gonna have a bad day.

Nickname: “A-Dub” (sigh)

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 230

Reach: He’s a Cardinal, so he’s obviously not a real contender.

Sponsor: Creative Recreation

Ring Music: Last Caress by Will Leitch and the Wailers

Hometown: High Point, NC. So if you need any furniture, you know who to ask.

Pedigree: Adrian has always excelled at a variety of sports. In fact, he was an honorable mention high school All American in basketball.

Predilection towards violence: None that’s readily apparent. But he does own a sneaker boutique in Scottsdale called High Point Shoes, and that alone kicks ass.

Strength: Freakish athleticism.

Weakness: Anything with a patent leather trim.

Fighting Style: You can call Adrian a finesse fighter if you want, but there’s a good chance he’ll knock you out in retaliation for such a slight.

Competitor (seed): D’Brickashaw Ferguson (2)

Nickname: Brick

Height: 6′6″

Weight: 312

Reach: He has a wingspan of 7′3″

Sponsor: Freemasonry

Ring Music: Brick House

Hometown: Freeport, New York. It’s also birthplace of IFL welterweight champion Jay Hieron, legendary Jew Dick Schaap, and a notable heroin enthusiast.

Pedigree: Teddy Atlas joined the Jets as a conditioning coach a year after D’Brick came into the league. Max Boxing recently spoke to the former trainer about the dearth of American heavyweights and the popular theory that they’re all playing other pro sports. Said Atlas, “I see some of these guys I work with and if they had started early enough, some of them could be good prospects to be fighters, especially as it turns out to be the big guys, heavyweights.” Something tells me he wasn’t talking about Chad Pennington’s fairy ass.

Strength: He has the combination of size and athleticism that is incredibly rare in the heavyweight division these days.

Weakness: He was named after the priest from The Thorn Birds, and his degree in religious studies means that his head is probably filled with all that Buddhist inner-peace horse shit.

Predilection towards violence: D’Brick is well versed in the martial arts, earning a black belt in shotokan karate as well as a brown belt in taekwondo. So show him some respect or prepare to face the Touch of Death.

Fighting Style: D’Brick is perfectly at home in the ring, standing tall to maintain his height advantage while moving around the ring with an effortless grace. Oh, and he also beats the shit out of people with his fists if they get too close.

Competitor (seed): E.J. Henderson (15)

Nickname: Does E.J. count?

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 245

Reach: His placement in this bracket, quite possibly.

Sponsor: Nonfat Ice Milk (Unflavored)

Ring Music: Something in the public domain.

Hometown: Aberdeen, Maryland, birthplace of Cal and Billy Ripken.

Pedigree: None.

Strength: Unassuming personality belies a fighter’s spirit.

Weakness: Went to Maryland.

Predilection towards violence: The most violent thing he does off the field might actually be bass fishing. Extreme bass fishing!

Fighting Style: I got nothin’. But hey, he’s a pretty badass linebacker.

Nickname: Tommy Z (think about it…)

Height: 5′11″

Weight: 215

Reach: Taken by the Ravens in the third round.

Sponsor: Affliction

Ring Music: Notre Dame Victory March

Hometown: Arlington Heights, Illinois. It’s also been called home by a deaf chick, a couple of soccer players, a YouTube guy, and a dickhole (actually the deaf chick called it something more like “ho-am”).

Pedigree: He’s actually a real boxer.

Strength: He’s one of those rare white athletes that doesn’t require qualifiers like “scrappy” or “gritty”.

Weakness: Football

Predilection towards violence:

Fighting Style: Tommy would prefer to work his way inside against the larger boxers in the heavyweight division. He can land looping and lunging power shots from the outside, but if he stays on the end of his opponents punches he’s going to find himself in a lot of trouble. Since he’s a Notre Dame product he already fights like a champion today, or so he likes to think.

Nickname: The Ghost

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 264

Reach: The Jets drafted him despite his aversion to football.

Sponsor: APT Pro Lifting Gear

Ring Music: Pump It Up

Hometown: Detroit, Michigan

Pedigree: Gholston has been an avid weightlifter and fitness buff since a young age.

Strength: Strength

Weakness: Buckeyes are notorious bitches.

Predilection towards violence: See hometown.

Fighting Style: Gholston is all about power and speed. He attacks his opponent by going straight forward and flurrying with combinations. He relies heavily on brute force which leads to a lot of quick bouts, but his defense is non-existent.

Competitor (seed): Mike Sellers (5)

Nickname: Caveman/Tank

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 284

Reach: Expansive

Sponsor: Smoot Smack

Ring Music: Move Bitch

Birthplace: Frankfurt, Germany

Hometown: Walla Walla, Washington

Pedigree: Sellers was a multi-sport star in high school but he didn’t bother taking the SAT because he’s just that fucking awesome. His pro career began at the age of 19.

Strength: Intimidating scowl.

Weakness: Time spent in Canada might have made him overly friendly.

Predilection towards violence: He enjoys pummeling the occasional safety.

Fighting Style: Sellers is a warrior who can take punishment as well as he can dole it out. He isn’t afraid to trade shots, knowing that he’ll be the man standing when the bell rings.

Competitor (seed): Brian Urlacher (12)

Nickname: Grr-Lacher

Height: 6′4″

Weight: 254

Reach: Paris Hilton, Tara Reid (again)

Sponsor: Vitamin Water, Nike, McDonald’s, Domino’s, Sega, and Campbell’s. But appearing in commercials makes him uncomfortable. Obviously.

Ring Music: White People Music

Birthplace: Pasco, Washington. Pasco is also the birthplace of Chuck Palahniuk who knows plenty about white guys who like to fight and trashy guys who like to fuck whores.

Hometown: Lovington, New Mexico

Pedigree: Set various weight lifting records at the University of New Mexico. Also dabbled in pro wrestling.

Strength: Intensity

Weakness: Cohabitation

Predilection towards violence: Only the fake kind.

Fighting Style: Urlacher relies on his quickness rather than power. He can be described as a finesse fighter, but his jab packs some pop.

Competitor (seed): Mario Williams (8)

Nickname: Super

Height: 6′7″

Weight: 291

Reach: Lenny Pasquarelli still thinks so.

Sponsor: Hennessey Performance Engineering and Israel Military Industries.

Ring Music: I Luv Your Girl

Birthplace: Richlands, NC. Home to absolutely nobody.

Pedigree: None.

Strength: An explosive combination of speed, power, and Italian craftsmanship.

Weakness: Always trying to go too fast.

Predilection towards violence: Only towards targets, and they’re just begging for it.

Fighting Style: Mario likes to keep his opponent at a distance, lulling him to sleep before attacking with a flurry of clubbing shots.

Competitor (seed): Osi Umenyioria (9)

Nickname: The Mad Scatter

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 261

Reach: That time he thought he was ready for space-docking.

Sponsor: Flushable Wipes

Ring Music: Shit On You

Birthplace: London, England. Current boxers like Joe Calzaghe and David Haye share Osi’s city of birth as do retired champs like Lennox Lewis and Chris Eubank.

Pedigree: Gives him a nice firm bowel movement, unlike the Science Diet crap that gave him the runs all over Selita Ebanks.

Strength: Speed and aggression.

Weakness: Bitches.

Predilection towards violence: His fetishes, while troubling, are mostly harmless.

Fighting Style: Osi is a brawler who will take any opportunity to get up in that ass. He’s obviously not afraid to get a little dirty on the inside, but don’t sleep on his skills.

Sweet Science 16

Competitor: Shawne Merriman

Nickname: “Lights Out”

Height: 6′4″

Weight: 272 (est. ring weight: 260)

Reach: Lengthy

Sponsor: MET-Rx

Hometown: Upper Marlboro, MD. The DC area has produced such fighters as Sugar Ray Leonard, Winky Wright, and most recently, the Patterson brothers (Anthony fights tomorrow night on Versus).

Fighting Pedigree: Last night his uncle Henry “Sugar Poo” Buchanan knocked some chump through the ropes with an uppercut at the Playboy Mansion on ESPN. Merriman could be seen in the ring during the post-fight celebration, which was pretty stupid. That house is filled with bitches needin’ some dick. He also trains in a boxing gym in the offseason to keep himself in shape.

Strength: Knocking people unconscious.

Weakness: The boxing world, while flawed, is much less forgiving when it comes to steroid use. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t actually need them. He was probably just trying to shrink his balls. Trust me, lugging around giant balls is like having an albatross hanging from your neck. Only they’re your balls.

Predilection towards violence: Rape?

Fighting Style: The classic action fighter, Merriman will come at his opponent with plenty of power and zero restraint. He will smother weaker opponents (see below), but he’s fully capable of fighting at a distance. He possesses a dominating jab and a devastating overhand right.

Competitor: Jeremy Shockey

Nickname: Shock Man!

Height: 6′5″

Weight:251 (est. ring weight: 248)

Reach:Tara Reid.

Sponsor: Affliction.

Hometown: Ada, Oklahoma. It was once the home of Shockey’s best friend Mark Gastineau, formerly of the New York Sack Exchange. Gastineau also pursued a “career” in boxing, and a similarly successful career in wife beating.

Pedigree: Afghan.

Strength: Taking shots to the head.

Weakness: It’s almost like he wants people to hit him.

Predilection towards violence: Lets his boys take care of approaching assholes.

Fighting Style: The first time he gets hit he’ll swarm the opponent with looping cuffed punches that glance away harmlessly. The second time he gets hit he’ll go down for 1-2 weeks. Shockey’s best punch is the accidental head butt which he often pairs with a wild elbow.

Yesterday we introduced the idea of a tournament to decide who is the true heavyweight champion of the world, and today we have an official 16-man bracket. We started with a list of some 40-odd football players before eventually narrowing it down to the current field. And as you can see by the masterful artwork on the bracket we’ve spent countless hours on this project.

Starting tomorrow we’ll be posting a tale-of-the-tape for each of the eight first round matchups and you’ll have the opportunity to vote for your pick to move on, or for Shockey to go home in a bloody heap.

Feel free to bitch about the rankings in the comment section, or congratulate us on a complete lack of Patriots.

Bert Sugar, the beloved cigar muncher/boxing historian has frequently expressed his belief that the dearth of great American heavyweights can be directly attributed to the rise in popularity, and profitability, of leagues like the NFL. Forty years ago it was boxers who were on top of the American sports world while professional football was still struggling to find its place (fortunately it had some ardent supporters).

Obviously today’s landscape is far different. Ethan Albright is earning millions and enjoying the fame associated with being Madden ’07’s lowest rated player while some guy named Vodka Drunkenski is hoisting our once beloved title belts over his Chernobylized head. But what if that weren’t the case?

What if all of the tremendous athletes in our beloved NFL had grown up in headgear rather than helmets, and throwing jabs instead of footballs? When asked which NFLer would make the best boxer Sugar contends that “Ray Lewis would be a hell of a heavyweight,” but I think we need a tournament to make things official.

What we need from you readers is some nominations. It’s quite simple really, you name an active NFL player in the comment section and they will be considered for the field. Once the competitors are decided upon we’ll seed them and provide a tale of the tape for each match-up to help you vote. In the end, only one man will remain standing.

I’ll get the ball rolling with one guy who’s a lock for a favorable seed. He’s big, he’s crazy, and he actually boxes in the off-season. He’s Shawne Merriman.

Remember, we’re limiting this to potential heavyweights so all competitors should be at least 5′11″ (taller than Tyson) with a hypothetical boxing weight between 215 and 299 pounds.