Kurt Warner makes his savior-approved return to the prayoffs playoffs, while Matt Ryan makes his debut. I wonder even during a playoff game what the percentage of Cardinals fans will be in the Pink Taco? 55 percent? Expect copious clips of the ‘47 Chicago Cardinals squad.

Kurt better get shine on as the league’s most devout QB in now, because once Tim Tebow comes to town next year, it’s gonna be a messy Lord-off between the two of them for most overt, discomfiting displays of faith. I think the young guy can take him.

And if I can’t have Tramp Stamp Buzzsaw Girl, Face Paint Buzzsaw Girls will serve as a fine proxy. Let it be so!

Kurt Warner: We’ve got plenty to be thankful for this year. It’s true. We’ve been blessed. Those blessing include a successful season, bringing this franchise its first home playoff games more than 50 years. If nothing else happens, we can come away from it feeling good about ourselves. I know God has given me more than I can ever have hoped to receive.

Still, I worry for your everlasting soul, brother Anquan. Since that hit, when they put all that metal in you, it’s like you’re more machine than man now.

Anquan Boldin: All. is. well. Metal. is. fine. We. run. slant. and. go. pattern. now.

Kurt: See, it’s one thing to excel on the field, but the moral character of a team is just as important. We already got Fitzy whaling on his wife. I can’t let you go wayward on me. Who knows where you may end up.

Anquan: What. is. soul? Is. this. [Skrrrrt] dummy. audible?

Kurt: Your soul? That’s the essence of your being. The part of you that transcends to heaven after your mortal life is over.

Anquan: Irrelevant. to. wide. receiver.

Kurt: That’s just plain not true. The power of prayer, it sustains us in all facets of being.

Anquan: Playbook. programming. does. not. recognize. [Skrrrrt] prayer.

Kurt: We’re gonna just have to fix that, then, won’t we. Join me in one of our 50-yard-line prayer circles, and I think it’ll change your life.

Anquan: Lifeform. [Whirs] Kurt. Warner. expendable. Create. replicant.

Kurt: Replicant? What are you talking about? I — OH GOD NO! WHAT ABOMINAT– NNNNOOOOOO!AAAACCKKGGGGGGG!

CyKurt: Must. execute. protocol.

Anquan: Protocol. is. go. route.

CyKurt: There. is. no. God.

Anquan: There. is. only. [Skrrrt] creator.

Will Leitch: Yesyes, my lovelies! I’ve programmed you to win AND WIN YOU SHALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Another live blog about a game badly in need of flex scheduling, featuring:
*Will Leitch jokes!
*Gags about emotionally crippled individuals!
*Gags about normally crippled individuals!
*Inappropriate racial and sexual epithets!
*Me being happy that I picked up Tim Hightower in fantasy!
*Horrible memories of my father yelling at Tom Rathman!
*Nostalgia about the epic Shaun Hill years at Maryland!

Holy shit, that game was as crazy as it was horribly officiated. That had the look of the Cowboys-Bills dickpunch last year on Monday night, but the Buzzsaw D came up YUUUGE in overtime. Ken Whisenhunt fucked himself with the clockblock, Romo fumbled a good half dozen times, Fitzy had a small array of clutch catches and Wade burned some precious calories needlessly as time expired. As I said in the comments for the late game, even though Philly pulled out their game against the Niners, the ‘Boys losing to the Cards and the ‘Skins dropping one to the FUCKING RAMS has to take quite a bit of luster off the once-dominant NFC East.

State Farm unveiled a second version of it’s “Feeling Kinda Sunday” ad today (okay, it was new to me) that included this quick cut of a girl with a Buzzsaw bullseye on the small of her back. See, it’s things like these that make Kurt Warner wanna hang it up. I’d say the Cards don’t have much of a prayer (sorry again, Kurt) but after seeing the Rams pick up their first win today, who knows what the late games will bring? Hopefully a watchable game. Denver and Jacksonville likely provides the best chance of that.

Speaking of the back end non sequiturs, the girl from the omnipresent Lowe’s ad does all right for herself.

Update: YYYYEEEEEE HAAAAAAWWWW I AM FUCKING DEJECTED!

As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay.

Jake Delhomme, Carolina Panthers

“Yeah, folks’re not really giving us that much of a chance this year. Hey, we got any more breasts in the bucket? Just drumsticks? Fuck. Well, how many biscuits did you get? I don’t know, I didn’t call in the order. Goddammit, Steve, don’t punch your teammate ’cause he drank your sweet tea. We got plenty. What’d you ask me about?”

Marshawn Lynch, Buffalo Bills

“What? Shit. Hole up, hole up. Can’t you see I’m tryna beat Time Crisis 4? Who we play this week? The Raiders? Shit, they easier than first boss on House of the Dead. Yeah, we good. We win the Super Bowl, we celebrating that shit at a Chevys. Gonna do it up nice.”

Kurt Warner, The Buzzsaw That Is The Arizona Cardinals

“You ask me to commit the sin of prideful thoughts. This I cannot do. And you are committing my words to the Internet? Billy Graham tell me it is powered by abortions and burnt Bibles. I’m afraid our conversation has come to an end.”

Jay Cutler, Denver Broncos

“What? Gaaaawd. Leave me alone. You’re worse than my parents. I just got done with practice and me and Tony Scheffler want to go get drunk in the parking lot in front of 7-11. I don’t know. I guess we rock.”

Thanks guys!