Donning the Drew Magary Label salmon polo, Derek Anderson laid into reporters who would dare question why a not entirely sullen expression crossed his face on the sideline while the team was getting demolished by the 49ers. Hey, no worries, champ. You lost the game but you won inclusion into the next DJ Steve Porter press conference meltdown mix.

As will be cited no fewer than 600 times per minute this evening, the winner of this game, despite being 4-7, will only be a game behind Seattle and St. Louis for first place in the NFC West. And that’s fantastic. I hope the winner of this division loses 10 games. And then goes on to win the conference. Something extreme that would impel the league to do something with its playoff structure. Of course, whatever solution they came up with would be even worse somehow.

In the meantime, ESPN is pulling out all the stops to inject hype into this contest during the pregame.

Here’s this week’s Designed Rush feature at SB Nation.

THE BLOODBUZZ OHIO THAT IS THE ARIZONA CARDINALS

Key Additions: RESPECT!, Horse Balls, Alan Faneca

Key Departures: Anquan Boldinbot, Kurt Warner’s drawing of Jesus

Five Fast Facts About The Cardinals
- Jay Feely came out vociferously in support of Arizona’s contentious immigration law. Because who wants possibly accurate kickers to be coming into this country? I’M WATCHING YOU ZENDEJAS!
- Derek Anderson isn’t so much a flash in the pan as rancid grease that was once useful in cooking, but has since congealed, begun to smell and ate your dog.
- Having taken his public ribbing of Albert Haynesworth too far, Darnell Dockett owes the world an apology when Albert takes to the shower for comedic revenge on Dockett.
- Alan Faneca says triceratops definitely exist because he is one and he’ll be damned if you deny him.
- LaRod Stephens-Howling Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie Armin Mueller-Stahl Soleil Moon Frye The End

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Sorry, brahs. Relevance was fun while it lasted.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

Key Additions: Ted Ginn Jr., David Carr WHAT A HAUL! C’MON, LEAVE SOME FOR EVERYBODY ELSE!

Key Departure: Isaac Bruce (possibly dead)

Five Fast Facts About The 49ers:
- Jehuu Caulcrick will be the mayor of Gristledown Junction, if ever the rusticated podunk I have imagined just for his name becomes reality.
- I realize Vernon Davis was raised in the D.C. area, but someday a benevolent soul is gonna sit the youngblood down and inform him that other cities indeed have strippers, too. And good ones at that!
- Guard Tony Wragge isn’t aware of oncoming danger unless he hears a “ruh roh”.
- Taylor Mays is tailor made for ban punny headlines.
- After Glen Coffee watches one of those Foundation For a Better Life commercials, he momentarily pines for a wholesome life of substance before setting his pile of gasoline-soaked Bible-clutching dead fetuses on fire with an already lit dead hooker .

Vegas Over/Under for 2010: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Despite very clearly being a quarterback away from contending for several years now, the 49ers are content to keep bringing baby hands Alex Smith back for another try. This year he’ll be joined by fellow no. 1 overall bust David Carr. All they need now is JaMarcus to be brought in to fill out the trio. At the same time, the rest of the division is truly horrid. So unless the Seahawks turn out to be much better than Pete Carroll’s NFL history and broken down Matt Hasselbeck would lead me to expect, the Niners are the call here.

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

“Let’s see a NCAA compliance officer STOP THIS!”

Key Additions: Leon Washington, Golden Tate

Key Departures: Patrick Kerney, Walter Jones, Nate Burleson

Five Fast Facts About The Seahawks:
- Lawyer Milloy is the only player on the roster to have played for Carroll during his last stint as a pro coach. He’s having fun capturing the “before” expressions of his teammates.
- Charlie Whitehurst is the name of a shitty transitional quarterback if ever I heard one. That said, keep an eye on UFL CHAMPION J.P. LOSMAN!
- Oh, the indignity! Matt Hasselbeck had to take a drug test during the offseason. And there was a man in the room! And the toilet wasn’t festooned with gold leaf and cherub wings! Rose petals did not issue forth! SAVE HIM, WON’T YOU, ANDY HUTCHINS!?
- This team deprived us the chance to see what “swaggerjack” inventor LenDale White’s Madden swagger rating would be. May none of you ever get a Top Pot maple bar again.
- Sean Morey retired two days before the start of training camp. Woohoo! One fewer player from Brown for Berman to dribble his sausage gravy cum all over the ESPN news crawl.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Stupid half win, smugly preventing me from giving them the push at 7-9 this roster so richly deserves. Nevertheless, I could be completely off base and the Seahawks, as opposed to the 49ers, could be lucky NFC West team to eke out eight or nine wins to secure the right to host a first-round home playoff loss. We’ll see how the drama unfolds.

ST. LOUIS RAMS

Key Additions: Sam Bradford, TAX CHEAT MARTYR-NAMED MOOSLIM MAJORITY OWNER Shahid Kahn

Key Departure: Marc Bulger (had to put something here).

Five Fast Facts About The Rams:
- They held a contest to rename their mascot. They did not chose Randy “The Ram” Robinson. FOR SHAMMMEEEE!
- Tackle Joe Gibbs will block for the counter trey on every play, even field goal attempts. AND THEY WILL LOVE HIM FOR IT IN THE DMVEEE, COOCH!
- Mardy Gilyard is only doing the NFL receiver thing until his half hat company takes off.
- Keith Null in set formation remains a rare crossover math/football meme.
- In an ironic twist, I am overpursuing a Chris Hovan punchline.

Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

They bad.

Matt Leinart: BRAH! Yo brah. I just made, like, the most epic discovery since man found text message technology. You gotta peep this.

Darnell Dockett: What?

Matt Leinart: Brah, they’re gonna call me the new Sir Issac Newman, that’s how epic this is.

Dockett: What is it?

Leinart: [Pulls out beer] ICED, BRAH!

Dockett: … You discovered Smirnoff Ice?

Leinart: Nah, don’t get silly on me. I mean, c’mon. I didn’t discover Ice, brah. Mr. Smirnoff did that. I discovered icing brahs.

Dockett: What’s the difference?

Leinart: Braahhh, brah, brah. Lemme help you out. All right – an unsuspecting brah is out in public just doing his thang, right? Maybe trying to get his mack on. Maybe just handling his shit.

Dockett: Okay?

Leinart: Then, completely out of nowhere, another brah drops an Ice on him with the quickness. Totally puts him on the spot with the Ice.

Dockett: And?

Leinart: AND!? The brah that got iced has to drop to one knee and chug that bitch on the spot. Brah got no choice. Brah just got iced. See, the point is to Ice a brah at the most inopportune and embarrassing moment. Preferably with the most fruity flavor of the Ice.

Dockett: That’s gay as fuck.

Leinart: Ya brah, that’s the point. Brah gotta some chug some fruity girly brew in front of his friends and associates. It’s the ultimate in brahmiliation. But – and here’s the thing – there’s a catch.

Dockett: All right?

Leinart: If the brah getting iced whips out an Ice of his own when getting Iced, the brah doing the initial icing has to chug both Ices. TURNIN’ THE TABLES ON A BRAH!

Dockett: So you faggots are carrying around Smirnoff Ices on the off chance that one of your stupid-ass friends might try to “Ice” you? I will never understand white people.

Leinart: ‘Course, brah. That’s how the game is played.

Dockett: Dumbest fucking shit I ever heard.

Leinart: That may be true, brah. But I believe I just pulled out an Ice on you. Assume the position.

Dockett: I ain’t doing that shit.

Leinart: You have to, brah. That’s the rules.

Dockett: Yeah, that’s the rules of your retarded little frat boy bullshit that I ain’t never agreed to. I subscribe to the Darnell-Dockett-Does-The-Fuck-He-Wants game. According to those rules, I ain’t gotta do shit I don’t wanna. And I don’t wanna do that shit.

Leinart: Still the rules, brah. No brah ever said life was fair.

Dockett: And what happens if someone don’t chug the Ice?

Leinart: Bad form, brah. A complete loss of brahspect.

Dockett: That’s it? No ass whooping? Kind of weak shit is that?

Leinart: You say it like it’s nothing.

Dockett: [Swipes Ice from Leinart's hand and shoves it back in his face] ICED, BRO!

Leinart: What? Nah brah, naaaaahhh, you can’t do that. Illegal icing procedure.

Dockett: The fuck I can’t. So, now what? You gonna have bad bro form? How we supposed to respect a quarterback who got bad bro form? Shit, I bet Kurt Warner would’ve already been finished chugging it by now. Would’ve added a little prayer after it too.

Leinart: Low blow, brah, low blow.

Dockett: I’mma tell Coach Whisenhunt if you don’t. You think he wants to hear how you don’t display leadership qualities?

Leinart: Sigh.

[to himself] Climb the ladder, Matt, climb the ladder.

This is probably the hardest call of the weekend. Will Arizona carry over its pointskkake from last week and bury a New Orleans team that struggled over the final month of the regular season to maintain its furious offensive pace from the rest of the year. Many people seem to think so. Personally, I wouldn’t be particularly surprised with the outcome swinging either way, unless it’s a 9-6 defensive struggle that comes down to a game-ending Neil Rackers shank.

Deuce McAllister was brought back to the Who Dats in a surprise signing yesterday, despite the Saints having four backs on the depth chart ahead of him and McAllister having zero healthy knees propping him up. Either way, it’s DDDEEEEEEEUUUUUUCCCCEEEEE chants that will abound.

In regards to Anquan Boldin, NFL Network’s Jason La Confora channeled PK in saying the chances of him playing are “quasi-miraculous.”

We would have also accepted “semi-Willisish”

Kurt’s going to retire! Obviously he wants to more time to shake it with the missus.

The only good thing about Dallas winning last night is that we don’t have to spend this entire game dreading that a Packers win sets up Favre Bowl III next week.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

The conventional wisdom about the Cardinals says that they’re not good enough to hate, that their lack of a passionate fan base makes it too hard to hate them. I reject that pussified stance:

FUCK THE CARDINALS. And if you like them, FUCK YOU, TOO.

FIRSTLY, Phoenix is a piece of shit. Here’s the complete list of nice things to say about Phoenix: (1) it’s not cold there in the winter. (2) As a result, some of the women have nice tans and good bodies. Working against Phoenix: it was laid out with the same unplanned graceless sprawl as Dallas and Los Angeles, making it a class A1 bitch of a city to get from Point A to Point B. In this case, Point A can be Phoenix proper, the airport, or some place with bars, and Point B can be the Cardinals’ stadium:

FURTHERMORE, Kurt Warner is a minion of the Dark Prince. A few years ago, Warner was married to a dyke with a retarded kid, and he couldn’t walk in the rain without his brittle bones snapping apart when he got cut by the Rams. Then he backed up pre-Super Bowl Eli Manning, then he got cut again. Then he signed with the Cards — ostensibly to back up Matt Leinart — and suddenly, in his late 30s, he’s a Pro Bowl quarterback with a hot blonde wife who leads his team to the Super Bowl.

Don’t believe the Bible-thumpin’ hype, people. Kurt Warner sold his soul to Satan, and you can’t prove otherwise.

THIRDLY, Anquan Boldin is an asshole. Yeah, yeah, I get it: he’s tough. He’s competitive. He’s upset about his contract. But how about you stop scowling for twenty seconds, jerkoff? I hope your ankle’s broken and your next contract shorts you.

ALSO, Matt Leinart is a goddam freak. There’s plenty to dislike about Leinart, from his squandered talent to his gentleman-of-leisure stigma to the zero touchdowns and three interceptions he threw in 77 pass attempts this year.

But no one wants to talk about the real reason he’s a creep: he’s a left-handed quarterback. If you’re a southpaw and you’ve got a strong arm, learn to pitch. You’re actually wanted on a baseball diamond. Ugh, nothing creeps me out more during a football game than a lefty under center. In fact, like the gays, lefties comprise about 10% of the population, yet there have only been 33 lefty QBs in NFL history — and there’s something wrong or weird about every one of them: Michael Vick (dog killer), Mark Brunell (Jesus freak), Boomer Esiason (defective genes), Steve Young (Mormon), Ken Stabler (played for Raiders)… and those are the GOOD lefties. We haven’t even gotten to stalwarts like Jared Lorenzen. At this point, Leinart is basically a cross between Cade McNown and Todd Marinovich.

MOREOVER, Larry Fitzgerald is going bald. The braids only accentuate his receding hairline. He looks stupid.

AND FINALLY, the entire team is comprised of dipshit names. If you have any respect for language, Jerheme Urban’s first name is pronounced Jer-heem. I fucking hate retarded parents who can’t spell their own children’s names correctly, and “Jerheme” is the stupidest spelling this side of Laveranues.

Calais Campbell is a defensive end named for a French city. Fag.

Early Doucet: You would think a guy named “Early” could show up on the depth chart before the sixth wide receiver.

Tim Hightower is an embarrassment to the legacy of Police Academy.

Beanie Wells. Beanie.

Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie has a girl’s first name. And hyphenated last names are for married women and spoiled white children. Someone take this guy’s lunch money already.

Suck it, Cardinals fans. Your team had its one and only chance last year, and they fucking blew it. Now it’s gone forever, and the missed opportunity will stay with you until the end of days, a bitter pill you’ll never wash down. Get fucked and die lonely.

Sorry Bob, coffee is for closers and Gatorade is for players.

I’m taking a break from calling all Las Vegas area hospitals in a search for a presumably suicidal Unsilent Majority to bring you the SNF open thread. Tonight the Colts are making their first trip to Arizona since 1990 (Jeff George! Timm Rosenbach!).

Both teams are coming off noteworthy victories. The Colts came from behind in Miami Monday night (ZOMG TIME OF POSSESSION MEANS NOTHING TO PEY PEY!!). While Kurt Warner set an NFL record for QB accuracy by completing over 92 percent of his passes against Jacksonville. That record, like Warner’s record for blandness, may never be broken.

On a personal note, I’m hoping that second-year player Early Doucet can somehow distinguish himself among the deeply talented Cardinal wide receiver corps. Not because I’m a fan, but because there’s an untapped goldmine in “Early Doucet” jokes.

ANQUAN BOLDIN: Hey, Coach! Leinart just told me you’ve never seen Star Wars before. What the fuck is up with that shit?

TODD HALEY: Sir, I’m trying to call a fucking game, if that’s alright with you…

ANQUAN BOLDIN: How the fuck have you not seen Star Wars!

TODD HALEY: Quan, back off, alright? [into radio] Okay, Kurt, let’s go Double Red Right, Tango X Flush–

ANQUAN BOLDIN: How the fuck can you call plays if you never seen Empire Strikes Back? Return of the Jedi? I’ll grant you that the prequels were disappointing, but–

TODD HALEY: I DON’T LIKE SCIENCE FICTION, ALRIGHT?!?! YOU PROBABLY THINK OF ALEC GUINESS EXCLUSIVELY AS OBI-WAN KANOBI! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR HIS WORK IN ‘BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI’?

ANQUAN BOLDIN: Man, now THAT SHIT is fake! Muthafucka woulda been killed by his own troops if he was bringing that shit in real life! Darth Vader woulda cut those Burmese down to shit!

TODD HALEY: DARTH VADER IS A PUSSY!

ANQUAN BOLDIN: WHAT’D YOU SAY, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?

TODD HALEY: GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE! GODDAMMIT! [into radio] Kurt, back me up here. How many times have you seen Star Wars?

TODD HALEY: See? Kurt’s only seen it twice.

ANQUAN BOLDIN: Man, fuck all of you!