I’m taking a break from calling all Las Vegas area hospitals in a search for a presumably suicidal Unsilent Majority to bring you the SNF open thread. Tonight the Colts are making their first trip to Arizona since 1990 (Jeff George! Timm Rosenbach!).
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ANQUAN BOLDIN: Hey, Coach! Leinart just told me you’ve never seen Star Wars before. What the fuck is up with that shit?
TODD HALEY: Sir, I’m trying to call a fucking game, if that’s alright with you…
ANQUAN BOLDIN: How the fuck have you not seen Star Wars!
TODD HALEY: Quan, back off, alright? [into radio] Okay, Kurt, let’s go Double Red Right, Tango X Flush–
ANQUAN BOLDIN: How the fuck can you call plays if you never seen Empire Strikes Back? Return of the Jedi? I’ll grant you that the prequels were disappointing, but–
TODD HALEY: I DON’T LIKE SCIENCE FICTION, ALRIGHT?!?! YOU PROBABLY THINK OF ALEC GUINESS EXCLUSIVELY AS OBI-WAN KANOBI! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR HIS WORK IN ‘BRIDGE ON THE RIVER KWAI’?
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Man, now THAT SHIT is fake! Muthafucka woulda been killed by his own troops if he was bringing that shit in real life! Darth Vader woulda cut those Burmese down to shit!
TODD HALEY: DARTH VADER IS A PUSSY!
ANQUAN BOLDIN: WHAT’D YOU SAY, MOTHERFUCKER!?!?
TODD HALEY: GET HIM OUTTA MY FACE! GODDAMMIT! [into radio] Kurt, back me up here. How many times have you seen Star Wars?
TODD HALEY: See? Kurt’s only seen it twice.
ANQUAN BOLDIN: Man, fuck all of you!
Emotions run high in the postseason. Emotions also cascade down the cheeks of the losers in the form of warm, salty failure. These are felt no more keenly than by these sensitive souls. Sure, they try to tell themselves their teams have exceeded expectations and that they are therefore immune to crestfalling after a title game defeat. Because they’ll need your emotional support, WHO YA GOT?
Emo Eagles______________________________Will Leitch
Team
The Fierce Rune Blade That is the Philadelphia Eagles______The Buzzsaw That is the Arizona Cardinals
Song They Want Collective Soul to Play at Halftime
“Shine”___________________________“The World I Know”
Recent title from favorite baseball team so you don’t have to feel bad for him
Last October______________________2006
Top 2008 Emo Vampire Movie: Twilight or Let the Right One In?
Twilight!________________________Did Woody Allen direct one?
Injury That Follows Loss
Razor blade to the wrist__________________________Cookie sheet to face
Celebration After Win
Tears of fathomable joy________________________Indoctrinating all the new Cardinals fans
Finishing move
Not yet buying into recent good fortune_________________Brushing up on naked Antonio Pierce
[ Ht: The Will Leitch Experience ]
Kurt Warner makes his savior-approved return to the prayoffs playoffs, while Matt Ryan makes his debut. I wonder even during a playoff game what the percentage of Cardinals fans will be in the Pink Taco? 55 percent? Expect copious clips of the ‘47 Chicago Cardinals squad.
Kurt better get shine on as the league’s most devout QB in now, because once Tim Tebow comes to town next year, it’s gonna be a messy Lord-off between the two of them for most overt, discomfiting displays of faith. I think the young guy can take him.
And if I can’t have Tramp Stamp Buzzsaw Girl, Face Paint Buzzsaw Girls will serve as a fine proxy. Let it be so!
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
Kurt Warner: We’ve got plenty to be thankful for this year. It’s true. We’ve been blessed. Those blessing include a successful season, bringing this franchise its first home playoff games more than 50 years. If nothing else happens, we can come away from it feeling good about ourselves. I know God has given me more than I can ever have hoped to receive.
Still, I worry for your everlasting soul, brother Anquan. Since that hit, when they put all that metal in you, it’s like you’re more machine than man now.
Anquan Boldin: All. is. well. Metal. is. fine. We. run. slant. and. go. pattern. now.
Kurt: See, it’s one thing to excel on the field, but the moral character of a team is just as important. We already got Fitzy whaling on his wife. I can’t let you go wayward on me. Who knows where you may end up.
Anquan: What. is. soul? Is. this. [Skrrrrt] dummy. audible?
Kurt: Your soul? That’s the essence of your being. The part of you that transcends to heaven after your mortal life is over.
Anquan: Irrelevant. to. wide. receiver.
Kurt: That’s just plain not true. The power of prayer, it sustains us in all facets of being.
Anquan: Playbook. programming. does. not. recognize. [Skrrrrt] prayer.
Kurt: We’re gonna just have to fix that, then, won’t we. Join me in one of our 50-yard-line prayer circles, and I think it’ll change your life.
Anquan: Lifeform. [Whirs] Kurt. Warner. expendable. Create. replicant.
Kurt: Replicant? What are you talking about? I — OH GOD NO! WHAT ABOMINAT– NNNNOOOOOO!AAAACCKKGGGGGGG!
CyKurt: Must. execute. protocol.
Anquan: Protocol. is. go. route.
CyKurt: There. is. no. God.
Anquan: There. is. only. [Skrrrt] creator.
Will Leitch: Yesyes, my lovelies! I’ve programmed you to win AND WIN YOU SHALL! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Another live blog about a game badly in need of flex scheduling, featuring:
*Will Leitch jokes!
*Gags about emotionally crippled individuals!
*Gags about normally crippled individuals!
*Inappropriate racial and sexual epithets!
*Me being happy that I picked up Tim Hightower in fantasy!
*Horrible memories of my father yelling at Tom Rathman!
*Nostalgia about the epic Shaun Hill years at Maryland!
Holy shit, that game was as crazy as it was horribly officiated. That had the look of the Cowboys-Bills dickpunch last year on Monday night, but the Buzzsaw D came up YUUUGE in overtime. Ken Whisenhunt fucked himself with the clockblock, Romo fumbled a good half dozen times, Fitzy had a small array of clutch catches and Wade burned some precious calories needlessly as time expired. As I said in the comments for the late game, even though Philly pulled out their game against the Niners, the ‘Boys losing to the Cards and the ‘Skins dropping one to the FUCKING RAMS has to take quite a bit of luster off the once-dominant NFC East.
State Farm unveiled a second version of it’s “Feeling Kinda Sunday” ad today (okay, it was new to me) that included this quick cut of a girl with a Buzzsaw bullseye on the small of her back. See, it’s things like these that make Kurt Warner wanna hang it up. I’d say the Cards don’t have much of a prayer (sorry again, Kurt) but after seeing the Rams pick up their first win today, who knows what the late games will bring? Hopefully a watchable game. Denver and Jacksonville likely provides the best chance of that.
Speaking of the back end non sequiturs, the girl from the omnipresent Lowe’s ad does all right for herself.
Update: YYYYEEEEEE HAAAAAAWWWW I AM FUCKING DEJECTED!
As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay. (more…)
