It’s a well-established principle that every hero should have his own theme music, but what about us average bears who spend our days in adversity-free anonymity? Who’s gonna play us down to the copy machine? To the bar? To the men’s room in a hastened panic? Could imagine scrambling to the can while holding in a deuce the day after Taco Night as March Of The Valkyries plays over the PA? That would be the highlight of your week.

But how would YOU score your own daily routine? Better yet, WHO would you hire to score it for you? If you had to pick one recording artist to lay down the soundtrack of your life from this day forward, who would it be? It could be a soloist, a group, or even a classical composer with a 60-odd piece orchestra in tow.

So pick someone, wait ten picks, and pick someone else. I’m kicking this off with Jack White. I’d be fine with the bassline from “Seven Nation Army” leading me into whatever room I would enter. Now you try.

Sometimes we at KSK have the good fortune of having a celebrity or two drop in to offer their insight on the NFL. Today, I’m pleased to welcome Jack White and Meg White of the White Stripes. Jack and Meg call themselves brother and sister. The media reports that they are actually a former married couple. The truth, of course, is that they are both.

Jack: I don’t understand this whole NFL thing. It just feels so brutish to me. Doesn’t it, Meg?

Meg: Yes. It does.

Jack: I mean, the whole thing just feeds into this disgusting male mentality that glorifies violence and menaces women. I find the male animal to be a horrible creature: shallow, depraved, and manipulative. Don’t you think, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: That said, I do like those Detroit Lions. I think they’ll win this week. Don’t you, Meg?

Meg: Yes. I do.

Jack: Meg, what’s your favorite team?

Meg: Whatever your favorite team is, Jack.

Jack: Well, like I said, I like the Lions.

Meg: Then I like the Lions.

Jack: Meg, who’s your favorite player?

Meg: Whoever your favorite player is, Jack.

Jack: Mine is Ernie Sims

Meg: Then I like Ernie Sims.

Jack: Meg, you are the last true innocent creature left on the earth. I see in you the hope and brightness of a newborn child.

Meg: I see that, too.

Jack: You are my muse. Together, this artificial world cannot infiltrate the pureness of our friendship. Now take that brick over there and bash yourself in the head with it.

Meg: Okay.

(picks up brick and bashes herself in the head with it)

Jack: Now go wander out into that busy street for me.

Meg: Okay.

(wanders into busy street and is hit by a Cadillac)

Jack: Now I want you to stick yourself with this syringe I found on the beach.

Meg: Okay.

(sticks herself syringe he found on the beach)

Jack: Now I want you to sit over in the corner and watch me while I have sex with my new wife. And I want you to blow this dog while I do it.

Meg: Okay.

(sits over in the corner and watches while Jack has sex with his new wife. Blows dog)

Jack: I feel so inspired by your strength and courage, Meg. Let’s spend the next five minutes cutting an album with just two good songs and a shitload of half-assed ideas.

Meg: Okay.

(Five minutes pass. Album is produced with Jack playing all instruments including drums. Album is released. Gets a 9 from NME.)

Jack: Let us now have some candy.

Meg: Okay.

Jack: Actually, I’m just gonna go get some candy for myself. I’d like you to sit here and stare at this blank wall until I get back.

Meg: Okay.

(stares)