In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ochocinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Victory Monday is OVER! We have to get to practice! ANDIAMO!
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! We’re due at the team complex in 20 minutes!
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’!
What’s goin’ on? What’s the scoopty poop?
Marvin: We have get over to the team complex right now. I want you running routes with Carson early and often.
Ocho: Okay, Coach. Okay. But before we do all that, there’s something I want to show you. I think I may have solved a lot of our problems, Coach. No lie.
Marvin: How’s that?
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!
Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.
Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.
Ocho: Fine. Whatever.
What do you want?
Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.
Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.
Marvin: DEpression
Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.
Marvin: That’s not how that term works.
Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!
Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.
Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.
Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.
Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.
Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.
Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: I rest my case.
Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.
Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!
Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.
Marvin: Yes I do.
Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.
Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.
Ocho: Agreed. But it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?
Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.
Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.
Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.
Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!
Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.
Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.
Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.
Ocho: But I could.
Marvin: No, you couldn’t.
Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.
Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.
Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.
Marvin: You can’t.
Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!
Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.
Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.
Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.
Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.
Know what I call it?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)
CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!
DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!
BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.
Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.
Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?
Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.
Ocho: No? Check this pen.
Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.
Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.
Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.
Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.
Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! Losing is not an excuse for apathy, young man! I want you to come down here and be a part of this team again!
Ocho: Hold on, coach! Comin’! What’s the scoop? What’s going on? Why didn’t you let Ocho play last night?
Marvin: I told you, Chad. You were late for the team meeting. So I had to suspend you indefinitely.
Ocho: Well, if I wasn’t DEFINITELY suspended, then why couldn’t I play?
Marvin: No, that’s not what that word means, Chad. It means that you are suspended for an indefinite period of time.
Ocho: Well, if you can’t define that period of time, why don’t you let me? I think I should have only been suspended for, like, a minute. Maybe four.
Marvin: No, Chad. You didn’t deserve to be suspended for only a minute. You needed to be suspended for the entire game because of your insubordination.
Ocho: I was suspended for insubordination? That’s BULLSHIT, man! You should be thanking me. Normally, Coach Bratkowski has to do all the offensive insubordinatin’. Why you suspending Ocho for helping his ass out?
Marvin: That offensive coordinating. Not the same thing. This is what I keep talking about, Chad. You keep making mistakes, and then failing miserably to own up to them. I have no choice but to keep you deactivated until I deem you fit to return to the field.
Ocho: LOOK AT ME! I’M FIT!
Marvin: Again, not what I meant.
Ocho: Coach, coach. I already said I was sorry I missed the meeting YO. I already told you, I was sleeping.
Marvin: That’s not a good excuse, Chad. You get plenty of time for sleeping during the night. There’s no reason you can’t show up to a 10 o’clock meeting.
Ocho: All right. All right. Okay, coach. I didn’t wanna say nothing about this, but I have to. The truth is, I haven’t been sleeping good. At all. I think I have a touch of the ammonia.
Marvin: Insomnia.
Ocho: Whatever. It’s just… it’s hard for me to sleep, know what I mean? I got a lot on my mind. Lotta shit goin’ down in OchoWorld, know what I mean?
Marvin: Thankfully, no.
Ocho: It’s just… sometimes at night, I just can’t get to sleeping. I think about shit, you know? I think about, like, letters. You ever think about letters, Coach? I do. And you know what? I really do not like the letter Y. It bothers me, you know?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: It’s just… what’s the point of it? It’s such a gay letter. Everybody’s saying shit like, “Hey Ocho, Y did you sit crosslegged on that one play?” Or, “Hey Ocho, Y did you put mashed potatoes in the toilet?” I don’t like that letter.
Marvin: Okay, that’s not the letter Y. That’s the word “Why,” which is spelled W-H-Y.
Ocho: But Y is in that shit! You see? What’s it doing there?
Marvin: Become sometimes the letter Y acts as a vowel, rather than a consonant.
Ocho: Well, how the fuck does it do that? Where does that letter get off thinking it’s all Optimus Prime and shit?
Marvin: It’s just a letter, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but it shouldn’t be. We’ve got so many better letters out there. Like X. That’s a good letter. LOOK OUT BITCHES, THIS MOVIE IS RATED X! That’s solid. I like Z too. It’s so sharp, you know? Like, Z is all, BACK OFF MUTHAPHUCKKA OR I’LL CUT YO ASS! That’s not a gay letter. That’s a letter that will do some fuckin’. Know what I mean?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: Also, the letter Y looks like a slingshot. And I don’t like it when we use letters as weapons. You don’t see any gun-shaped letters. That would be bad for the kids.
Marvin: I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’s Y. It’s a letter. It isn’t malevolent in any way. It serves an important phonetic role in how we speak. You use the letter Y to make a “yuh” sound.
Ocho: Yuh? Who the fuck says Yuh? That’s Eskimo shit.
Marvin: It’s not a word. It’s sound you make to pronounce the rest of the word. If I say the word “Young,” I need the Y sound in order to pronounce it correctly. Do you see what I mean?
Ocho: See, I think you’re just making it all up.
Marvin: I’m not making it up. They teach this stuff in first grade, Chad.
Ocho: You know what would be a good letter? The happy face.
You see a happy face, you know what that shit means. That would be a good letter.
Marvin: Okay, a happy face is not a letter.
Ocho: But it could be.
Marvin: But it isn’t.
Ocho: But it could be.
Marvin: But it isn’t.
Ocho: But it could be.
Marvin: But it isn’t.
Ocho: But it could be.
Marvin: But it isn’t. It’s a fucking drawing.
Ocho: But that’s because you only THINK of it like that, know what I mean? It could be a letter if we wanted it to be.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t. It doesn’t represent any kind of phonetic speech command.
Ocho: Sure it does. It says, HEY LOOK AT ME I’M A WHITE PERSON AND I’M ALL HAPPY AND SHIT!
Marvin: Again, it’s not a letter. It’s a drawing. It can’t be a letter.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. What if it used to be a letter and they just left it out by accident?
Marvin: They didn’t.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t KNOW that. You can’t possibly know that. You weren’t there when they did it.
Marvin: It doesn’t matter. Trust me. There was never meant to be a happy face in the alphabet.
Ocho: Okay, well let me ask you a question then. You got kids, right?
Marvin: Yes.
Ocho: They ever sing the Alphabet Song?
Marvin: Yes.
Ocho: Are they HAPPY when they finish singing it?
Marvin: Yes.
Ocho: I rest my case. There’s clearly supposed to be a happy face at the end of that shit. You know what else would make a good letter? A Snickers bar.
That way, you could be reading through some word and be reminded OH SNAP! I FORGOT TO FUCKING EAT!
Marvin: A Snickers bar would not be a good letter.
Ocho: Give me one good reason why it wouldn’t be a kickass letter.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. THE DEPTHS OF YOUR RETARDERY HAVE NOW REACHED A NEW FUCKING LOW. THIS IS WHY I FUCKING SUSPENDED YOU, YOU EMPTY-HEADED DOORSTOP. I’M TRYING TO SAVE MY FUCKING JOB, AND I HAVE A RECEIVER WHO CAN’T BE BOTHERED TO SHOW UP FOR PRACTICE BECAUSE HE’S TOO BUSY THINKING UP NEW, FUCKING STUPID LETTERS FOR AN ALPHABET THAT HAS ALREADY SERVED THE ENGLISH-SPEAKING WORLD WELL FOR FUCKING CENTURIES.
DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO READ? OR WRITE? ARE YOU FUCKING ILLITERATE? I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING BELIEVE I’M ARGUING WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT A FUCKING CANDY BAR BELONGS IN THE GROUP OF SYMBOLS WE USE FOR DAILY COMMUNICATION. THAT’S HOW FUCKING DUMB YOU ARE, CHAD. YOU MAKE EVERYONE AROUND YOU NEARLY AS FUCKING RETARDED AS YOU ARE. SO GO BACK TO FUCKING SLEEP, ASSHOLE. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? DON’T EVER WAKE UP. BECAUSE ANOTHER HOUR OF YOU AWAKE IS ANOTHER HOUR THE WORLD’S BRAIN CELLS ARE SUBJECT TO MASS FUCKING GENOCIDE.
A FUCKING HAPPY FACE? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ocho: You know what else would make a good letter? A knife. Ray Lewis agrees with me on that. It would be like Z. Just really badass to have in there. It’d be like, NOW I KNOW MY A-B-KNIFE, NEXT TIME MAYBE I’LL TAKE YOUR FUCKING LIFE.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! We gotta get out the voting station! Let’s go! The lines are getting longer by the second!
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s all this now?
Marvin: It’s Election Day. We gotta go vote.
Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. I’m ready, Coach. Been waiting for this election for a LONG time. Real long time. Can’t wait! I even got my lucky voting stick!
Marvin: What’s so lucky about it?
Ocho: I don’t know. It’s just a good stick. Feel how solid that stick is.
Marvin: Whatever.
Ocho: MY STICK AND I ARE READY TO VOTE FOR SOME SHIT!
Marvin: So, you’re voting for Obama?
Ocho: What? Obama? Nah man, screw that guy. I’m voting for the white dude.
Marvin: But why?
Ocho: Because if I vote for the black dude, then Chad Ocho Cinco can’t become the first black President. Kow what I mean? No way I’m letting that shit happen. Can’t have no President O-bama without no President O-cho first.
Marvin: You’re gonna run for President one day?
Ocho: HELL 2 DA YAW. Can’t you just picture that shit?
Marvin: No. My entire central nervous system would shut down if I tried to do that.
Ocho: Yeah, well you best be picturing it. Because President Ocho gonna CHANGE SOME SERIOUS SHIT.
Marvin: Like what? What kind of platform would you have?
Ocho: Platform? Who the fuck said anything about platforms? I wanna be President. Don’t need no platform for that.
Marvin: Of course you need a platform. Otherwise, how will people know why to vote for you?
Ocho: Fine? I’ll get you a platform. Here you go.
That’s my platform. Ain’t no candidate on a better platform than me. Look how high up that shit is.
Marvin: No, no. That isn’t the kind of platform I meant. A platform is a set of beliefs or stances that a candidate or political party has. It isn’t an actual platform. It’s an abstract platform.
Ocho: You mean, like, that Pablo Picante guy made the platform?
Marvin: No. That isn’t what I meant by abstract. A political platform is just a set of beliefs. For example, where do you stand on immigration?
Ocho: Oh, I love immigrations. Ben Utecht does a crazy good immigration of you, Coach.
Marvin: Ummm… Let’s just skip immigration. Just tell me: If you were President, what would you do? What laws would you make?
Ocho: Okay. Well, the first thing I’d do is make them turn down the volume on helicopters. Because helicopters are TOO LOUD.
Marvin: What?
Ocho: I would just say to all the helicopter people, HEY MR. WHITE HELICOPTER MAN! TURN THAT SHIT DOWN!
Marvin: Okay, there isn’t a volume control on a helicopter motor. The sound it makes is the sound it makes. You can’t simply adjust it. It doesn’t have a volume knob.
Ocho: Yeah, but it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should.
Marvin: But it doesn’t.
Ocho: But it should! Maybe that’s why helicopters are so damn loud to begin with! Ever think of that? You don’t know that a volume knob would work until you put it there. Am I right?
Marvin: No. You’re astonishingly wrong.
Ocho: Yeah, well whatever. The helicopter noise got 2 go! Also, as President, I would like to see us build more things on clouds.
Marvin: Like what?
Ocho: Cities. Schools. Churches. We got all these nice fucking clouds in the country, and we don’t do SHIT with them. They’re all soft and fluffy. We should really be enjoying them more. I would like to move the White House to a very nice cloud.
Marvin: Okay, that’s impossible. Clouds are not solid. They’re made of AIR.
Ocho: Oh, please. Now who’s the crazy one?! I seen clouds, Coach. Those things are fucking SOLID. And comfortable! Like a bigass beanbag chair. You know what I would do if I were President? I’d make the helicopters land on the clouds. I’d also give everyone a free fire engine.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE THE FUCKING MOST INSANE RETARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE. HOLY FUCK. I AM TRYING TO GET YOU TO PARTICIPATE IN A FUCKING DEMOCRATIC PROCESS THAT HINGES ON REAL FUCKING ISSUES LIKE FUCKING HEALTH CARE. AND YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BUILDING A FUCKING HOUSE ON A FUCKING CLOUD.
YOU FUCKING BLACK GIMP. DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT CLOUDS DON’T STAY STILL? THAT THEY FUCKING MOVE? AND DISSIPATE? DID THAT EVEN FUCKING OCCUR TO YOU? WHAT’S HAPPENS TO THE FUCKING WHITE HOUSE WHEN IT FLOATS OVER ENGLAND, YOU FUCK?!
Ocho: See? That’s the beauty of it. Good for spying.
Marvin: GOOD FUCKING LORD. OKAY, THAT’S IT. YOU ARE NOT FIT TO FUCKING VOTE. I’M NOT TAKING YOU TO THE GODDAMN VOTING STATION, BECAUSE YOU’D GET TO THE MACHINE AND SOMEHOW END UP TRIGGERING SOME SORT OF TACTICAL NUCLEAR STRIKE. YOU AREN’T WORTHY OF PARTICIPATING IN THIS FUCKING PROCESS, YOU BLITHERING SHITHEAD. NOT WHEN YOU THINK HELICOPTER MOTORS HAVE VOLUME CONTROLS, AND THAT POLITICAL PLATFORMS ARE THE SAME AS FUCKING CHORAL RISERS.
IN FACT, I CAN’T LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY ANYMORE. I DON’T WANT TO LIVE SOMEWHERE WHERE RETARDS LIKE YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FUCKING HELP DECIDE OUR FATE.
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR TINY LITTLE FUCKING BRAIN?!
Ocho: See, I think you have an anti-Ocho bias. I think me and my voting stick better go vote over at Ray Lewis’ cloudhouse.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
(January 21, 2009)
Barry: We did it, Honey.
Michelle: No, sweetheart. YOU did it.
Barry: No, no, no. This was never about me. This was a movement of millions of Americans, white and black, young and old. These were people who were motivated to get out there and DO SOMETHING, to change the direction this country is going in. It’s a bright new day, because we’re all in this together now. I’ve always believed that a man cannot be successful without having the good fortune of encountering, along the way, people endowed with a spirit of helpfulness and generosity. And today, I consider myself a very rich man in that sense.
We’ve got a lot of tough challenges ahead. But I learned long ago that this nation has always found, in its darkest times, its grandest ideas. We’ve always come out of times like this as a stronger, better nation. And I’m convinced we are on that path again today. And it all starts here! Can you believe we made it?
Michelle: Ooh, I’m so excited! Let’s walk into our new house.
(White House door flies open)
Barry: What the…?
Barry: Who are all these people? Why are there empty Kool-Aid pitchers all over the place?
Ocho: Whoa ho yo! There he is! There’s the man! My man! My motherfuckin’ ‘Rack! How the fuck you doing, Barry?
Barry: What are you doing here?
Ocho: Oh, well I took it upon myself to move into our crib a little ahead of schedule. I thought that would be the polite thing to do. Besides, Coach Lewis kept yelling at me about how chickens can’t play raquetball. BUT HE’S WRONG ABOUT THAT SHIT.
Barry: With all due respect, Mr. Johnson…
Ocho: Ocho. Call me Ocho. Johnson is my maiden name now.
Barry: Umm… Anyway, Ocho. I don’t know why you’re here. You’re a very talented football player. But I don’t know you. I have no relation to you. I don’t know why you saw fit to move into our new home without asking us.
Ocho: No relation? NO RELATION? Look at you, man.
Barry: Okay.
Ocho: Now, look at me.
Barry: Okay.
Ocho: I rest my case. BROTHERS. FOR LIFE.
Barry: Okay, we are not actually brothers. “Brother,” in that sense, is used as a term of affection between African-American men. It does not mean we are literally brothers. You are not a member of my immediate family.
Ocho: How do you know that, though? For all I know, I COULD be your brother.
Barry: No, you couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, I could.
Barry: No, you couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, I could.
Barry: No, you couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, I could! You don’t know about, like, DNA and shit! For all you know, they could have switched up birth records. We could be TWINS.
Barry: I’m 47 years old, Chad. We couldn’t possibly be twins.
Ocho: Yeah, but how do you know you’re 47? Aren’t you from Hawaii?
Barry: Yes.
Ocho: Well, that means you’re on that fucked up Hawaii time. You may only be 47 years old in HAWAII TIME. See what I mean?
Barry: No, no, that isn’t how it works. Hawaii is in a different time zone. But years are still 365 days long. It’s not like dog years.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that. What if all dogs came from Hawaii? Think about THAT. Then dog years and Hawaii time would be all together. That’s some real “X-Files” shit right there.
Barry: Okay, ALL dogs are not from Hawaii.
Ocho: But they could be. I’ve seen them do that doggie paddle. They could have all swum over after coming out of the volcano. You should have Congress look into that.
Barry: Look, I really don’t have time for this. You seem like a nice fellow, Chad. But this is our home. And we’d prefer our privacy.
Ocho: Yeah, I know. It’s OUR home. That’s why we showed up early. Wanted to get first dibs on a bed. Also, I took the liberty of cleaning out the fridge. There wasn’t nothing but white people food in there. Like salad. Who the fuck eats salad? So we picked up whole SHITLOAD of chicken and put it in that bitch. We gonna eat good!
Barry: You can’t do that!
Ocho: I also redecorated the joint. They had pictures of these old white guys in wigs all over the place. I just tossed that shit right out. I got you a Scarface poster AND a Carlito’s Way poster. And they’re FRAMED. How nice will that look? There was also this sort of round office…
Barry: The OVAL Office.
Ocho: No, I think you’re wrong Barry. It was ROUND. Anyway. I cleared out all the boring shit in there and had them put in the hot tub. Fucking NICE.
Barry: Okay, this has gone way too far. This is OUR home, and you are not included in that grouping. This house is for my wife, my children and I. You cannot stay here.
Ocho: You can’t kick us out! We’re the first one’s here! LOOK OUTSIDE!
Barry: What?
(looks outside)
Barry: Oh, Lord.
Ocho: What you think, everyone crowded outside just to say HI? Motherfucker, we need a place to STAY. And you got the nicest place outta anyone we know. I’m surprised at you, Barry. I thought you’d be cool like that. Where the fuck are we gonna go? All my life, I’ve dreamed of seeing a black man in the White House, and then mooching off of that black man. Now you’re gonna deny me that dream. I THOUGHT YOU WERE ALL ABOUT THE HOPE, BARRY!
Barry: This is not what I meant by that. The audacity of hope, and the audacity to force your way into a stranger’s living room, are not the same thing.
Ocho: Well, you sure didn’t get that point across BEFORE. We’re HERE now. You really just gonna kick us out like that? I already grabbed a couple million out of the Treasury just for flash money.
Barry: YOU CAN’T DO THAT!
Ocho: Why not? That’s reparations. I need to be REPAIRED, Barry.
Barry: Okay, I’ve had just about enough. You need to leave now, or I will have security escort you out.
Ocho: Oh, I see. So that’s how it’s gonna be? Brother finally gets out there and makes good, becomes the goddamn PRESIDENT, and then he gonna go forget about his ROOTS? That is fucking BULLSHIT! Motherfuckin’ George Bush spent fucking EIGHT YEARS here giving shit to white people! And you can’t help out Ocho and 14,567,920 of his closest family members? You ain’t nothing more than President Bryant Gumbel, BITCH! To think I almost voted for you.
Barry: You didn’t vote?
Ocho: Nuh nuh. They make you fill out all these forms and shit. Hell no, I didn’t vote. But I sure as hell ROOTED for your ass.
Barry: Okay. Let me make this very plain. I am inspired and delighted that my election has caused such joy and pride in our African-American community. And, indeed, I think we have now raised the standard of what a black man can achieve in America today. But my election does not give you carte blanche to leech off of my family, or the American Treasury.
Ocho: Yeah, but you could CHANGE all that, right?
Barry: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DUMBEST FUCKING ASSHOLE THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER PRODUCED? THE FACT THAT I AM NOW PRESIDENT DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET TO SLEEP IN MY FUCKING HOUSE, OR EAT MY FUCKING FOOD, OR FORCE ME TO LOOK INTO THE HAWAIIAN ORIGINS OF CANINES. IT DOESN’T MEAN WE’RE TWIN BROTHERS. AND THAT’S GOOD, BECAUSE I WOULD FUCKING KILL MYSELF AND MY OFFSPRING IF THAT WERE THE CASE.
I AM HERE TO CHANGE HOW THIS COUNTRY FUNDAMENTALLY OPERATES. I AM NOT HERE TO REINFORCE ALL THE STUPID SHIT WE AS A PEOPLE, BLACK AND WHITE, ARE ALREADY DOING. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT. I AM HERE TO MAKE THIS COUNTRY GREAT AGAIN, NOT TO ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE OVAL OFFICE IS ACTUALLY AN OVAL. ARE YOU THAT FUCKING RETARDED? ARE YOU FUCKING SARAH PALIN RETARDED?
Ocho: See, I still don’t think it’s an oval. Ray Lewis moved into the basement last week. Let’s go ask him.
Barry: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Chad! Get down here! I need you to come do something! Let’s go! You gotta help out if you’re gonna stay here, you know.
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! What’s goin’ on? What do I need to do?
Marvin: I need you to feed the dog.
Ocho: Okay, okay, all right. What’s the scoop?
Marvin: Just open up a can of Alpo, empty it into his dish, and cut it up a bit so he can eat it easily. Then put it on the floor.
Ocho: That’s it?
Marvin: Yeah.
Ocho: How come he’s not eating with us?
Marvin: What do you mean?
Ocho: How come he has to eat on the floor? Why can’t he eat with us at the dinner table?
Marvin: Because he’s a dog. He can’t sit at a table. Or use a knife and fork.
Ocho: I think you’re wrong. I think you’re just too lazy to train him to do that.
Marvin: No, it’s not me being lazy. It’s that training a dog to use dining utensils is an impossibility. They physically cannot do it.
Ocho: See, I think that’s some bullshit. ‘Cause I’ve seen a dog do that.
Marvin: Where?
Ocho: On the TV. I saw this dog sitting at the table, eating a steak, and then this big cracka rooster came up to him and was like, “I SAY I SAY I SAY, BOY! I reckon that you and that chickenhawk are in cahoots!”
Marvin: Okay, that was “Foghorn Leghorn”. That’s a cartoon. A drawing. That didn’t actually happen. A dog can’t do that.
Ocho: Yeah, but what I’m sayin’ is: How would the cartoon man know how to draw that if he never saw dogs do it in real life? You know what I mean? He had to have, like, traced it from a real dog.
Marvin: No, he drew it from his imagination. He never saw a dog actually using a knife and fork. He created a mental image of it and then drew it from that mental image.
Ocho: Oh, so you’re telling me that Mr. Cartoon Man is all superpowered like that? PLEASE.
Marvin: Again, he drew it from imagination. There are many things in the world that are not physically possible, but that doesn’t stop us from imagining those things happening. It’s quite a common ability. For instance, if I were to, I don’t know, create a mental image of you passing a remedial reading test, that’s my IMAGINATION at work. That would never actually happen.
Ocho: Yeah, but why couldn’t a dog eat with a knife and fork? Why is that so hard? We teach them to sit. We teach them to roll over. We teach them to foil Dr. Claw.
Marvin: No, we don’t teach them to foil Dr. Claw. That’s Brain, the dog from “Inspector Gadget.” Again, a cartoon.
Ocho: I’m just saying it seems very lazy, is all. I think maybe you don’t WANT to eat with the dog. That, if you had to eat dinner with the dog, you might have to talk about stuff you don’t really want to talk about.
Marvin: Dogs can’t talk, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, but they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should.
Marvin: But they can’t.
Ocho: But they should! They should be able to eat dinner with you, and talk, and play baseball with you, just like Bugs Bunny can.
Marvin: Rabbits cannot play baseball.
Ocho: Yes, they can! They’re fucking great at it! They catch their own pop flies and shit!
Marvin: Again, Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. A two-dimensional drawing. Rabbits can’t play baseball. They lack the hand-eye coordination. In fact, they lack hands altogether.
Ocho: But, if they DID have hands, then they could play baseball.
Marvin: But they don’t have hands.
Ocho: But they COULD. I see hands lying around all the time. There’s no reason we couldn’t, like, stitch that shit on a rabbit, so that he could play baseball with the rest of us.
Marvin: What do you mean, you see hands lying around all the time?
Ocho: Like in “Addams Family Values”. There was this hand running around all over the place. And it seemed like a waste, you know? Because some rabbit out there could use that hand, and it was just wasting time running around on its own. Why not get THAT hand and put it on a rabbit?
Marvin: Okay, that hand is called Thing. And Thing is not a real hand. That was a computerized effect. There aren’t random, active, living severed hands skittering about. And, even if there were, why would we put them on rabbits when there are real people out there, burn victims and what not, who could use those hands more? You see the flaw in your reasoning? How are you even going to attach it to the rabbit? It doesn’t have a fucking WRIST. Attaching a hand to someone means dealing with an incredibly complex network of blood vessels, nerves, and muscle tissue.
Ocho: How do you know? You’re no biographer! You’re no Doris Kearns Goodbar!
Marvin: I’m telling you, a rabbit would reject that hand. It doesn’t have the capacity to use a human hand, even if you stitched it on. Which you can’t. Because, again, it has no arm. Or wrist.
Ocho: It don’t need a wrist. You could just attach it to the head of the rabbit.
Marvin: You want to attach it to the rabbit’s head?
Ocho: Yeah. That way, you can really see it waving from center field. It’d be all like, “THIS FLY BALL IS MINE, BITCHES!” It could play baseball, or basketball.
Marvin: No, it couldn’t. Rabbits cannot play basketball.
Ocho: Yes, they can. Rabbits like to fuck, right? They make lots of babies, right? Well, they’re just like NBA players then. I could totally see a bunny running the point. He’d keep the ball so low! How you gonna get that ball? He’d be all dribbling between defenders and shit. I bet a team of rabbits could beat the Greeks if you gave them head-hands.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: If you got some that had been arrested and shit, you could. They’d have the right attitude, just like the Bengals used to have.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. I ASKED YOU TO FEED THE FUCKING DOG. WHY CAN’T I ASK YOU TO DO A SIMPLE FUCKING TASK WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME INTO A CONVERSATION ABOUT RABBITS RUNNING AROUND WITH FUCKING HANDS SEWN ONTO THEIR HEADS? WHAT FUCKING GALAXY DO YOU COME FROM? DID AN ALIEN CIVILIZATION SEND YOU HERE TO FUCKING DESTROY US ALL WITH YOUR NUCLEAR IDIOCY?
THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T WIN A GAME, YOU FUCKING SAVANT. WE CAN’T WIN A GAME BECAUSE YOU HAVE ALL THE FOCUS OF A GODDAMN SHOTGUN BLAST. MY BRAIN HURTS. MY FUCKING BRAIN HURTS BECAUSE YOU’RE SO FUCKING DUMB. EVERY TIME, CHAD. EVERY TIME I TALK YOU, I NEED FUCKING EXCEDRIN BECAUSE IT HURTS ME TO CONTEMPLATE JUST HOW FUCKING RETARDED YOU ARE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR HEAD?
Ocho: See now, Bugs Bunny knows a doc. So I bet he could help get your head looked at. Ray Lewis can probably give you a referral too, if you want.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Hey, Chad! Get down here. It’s time for us to study game film. We gotta get some work done if we’re gonna dig out of this hole!
Ocho: Comin’, coach! Comin’! Just finishing something up!
Marvin: Finishing something up? C’mon, Chad! Let’s move! We have some serious work to do here.
Ocho: Okay, okay, okay, I’m here. But I just wanted to show you something. I’ve been thinking a lot, Coach. I’ve been thinking about, like, the world and shit. I saw this movie about global warming, and it really opened my mind.
Marvin: You mean “An Inconvenient Truth”?
Ocho: No, it was “The Day After Tomorrow.” Did you know Dennis Quaid was a scientist? I did NOT know that. I thought he was just an actor.
Marvin: He IS an actor, Chad. He was only portraying a scientist. But he isn’t actually a scientist.
Ocho: Whoa ho yo, you didn’t see the movie. I did. Okay? He really knew his shit.
Marvin: No, he was reading lines off of a script. Lines written by a writer. He isn’t a scientist.
Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.
Marvin: Yes, I do.
Ocho: No, you don’t.
Marvin: Yes, I do.
Ocho: No, you don’t. I saw “Innerspace”, okay? I saw him zoom around inside this one cracker’s body. He knew about, like, the pancreas and shit. And that was, like 20 years ago. Think about all the shit Dennis Quaid has learned since then. He learned to play baseball.
Marvin: That was “The Rookie”.
Ocho: He learned to gunfight with Wyatt Earp.
Marvin: That was “Wyatt Earp”.
Ocho: He learned to play quarterback. A whole lot better than fucking Ryan Fitzsimmons, by the way.
Marvin: That was… never mind.
Ocho: Anyway, Dennis Quaid was talking about this global warming shit, and I came up with a solution. Are you ready?
Marvin: I not sure how I possibly can be.
Ocho: Okay, here it is. I take this globe. Okay?
Marvin: Okay.
Ocho: Then I take this fan. Okay?
Marvin: Okay.
Ocho: Now I turn on the fan. Okay? BAM! No more global warming.
Marvin: …
Ocho: Nothing to say? I blew your mind, right?
Marvin: No, I was just having an aneurysm. So, you’re suggesting we place a giant table fan in space, yes?
Ocho: Who said anything about space? I can cool down this globe right here.
Marvin: Okay, do you understand what global warming is?
Ocho: Yeah. The globes are warm. So we gotta cool the fuckers down. This globe is a touch warm if you feel it. Almost like it has a fever. I hope it’s not sick.
Marvin: Globes can’t get sick. They’re inanimate objects. They have no cells for viruses to infiltrate.
Ocho: Objects can get sick. I saw Mr. Potato Head blow his nose once in “Toy Story”.
Marvin: That was animation. That didn’t actually happen. Furthermore, the issue of global warming does not affect globes, which are merely small-scale models of the entire earth, but rather the Earth itself.
Ocho: Whoa, hold up. You’re saying the earth looks like this?
Marvin: Yes.
Ocho: Pfft. This shit is ROUND! Ain’t no way the Earth is round. Look at the ground, Coach. That shit is FLAT. I rest my case.
Marvin: That’s because the planet is so large, its curvature so gradual, that you cannot perceive it. The world was proven as round centuries ago.
Ocho: By who?
Marvin: Galileo.
Ocho: Leo DiCaprio? He ain’t no scientist. He’s a tough cop from Boston.
Marvin: No, Galileo.
Ocho: Gargamel?
Marvin: GALIFUCKINGLEO. The famous Italian astronomer. He discovered the world was round. There are pictures of it from space now. Kids learn the earth is round as soon as kindergarten. It’s a fact, Chad.
Ocho: Yeah, well I didn’t hear Dennis Quaid say anything about that.
Marvin: BECAUSE HE’S AN ACTOR.
Ocho: See, there you go boxing people in again. This is why my Chad Ocho Cinco Global Coolin’ Globe Fan won’t get sold, because of your ignorance.
Marvin: That fan won’t get sold because it’s a piece of crap. The earth cannot be cooled by blowing a fan onto a globe. There are so many holes in your solution, there isn’t enough room on your globe, or the earth itself, to list them all. A globe is not some kind of voodoo doll for the entire planet.
Ocho: How do you know that? This globe is warm, and I’m feeling a bit warm myself. And watch this. (spins globe) See, don’t you feel kinda woozy now?
Marvin: No.
Ocho: That’s because you don’t believe in science.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU FUCKING IMBECILE. IS THERE SHIT IN YOUR HEAD? NO REALLY, IS THERE A GIANT FUCKING LUMP OF SHIT IN YOUR GODDAMN BRAIN PAN? THIS IS WHY WE’RE FUCKING 0-4, CHAD. WE CAN’T WIN A GODDAMN GAME BECAUSE WE HAVE PLAYERS WHO THINK THAT THE EARTH IS FLAT, AND THAT GLOBES CAN RUN A TEMPERATURE, AND THAT DENNIS QUAID LITERALLY BECOMES THE PEOPLE HE PLAYS ON SCREEN.
ARE YOU REALLY THIS FUCKING DUMB? BECAUSE NOW I WANT TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF. I CAN’T LIVE IN A FUCKING WORLD WHERE PEOPLE AS PROFOUNDLY DUMB AS YOU ARE FREE TO WALK AROUND. YOU MAKE ME WANT TO FUCKING DIE, YOU STUPID, VACUOUS SHITHEAD.
Ocho: See, I think we’re 0-4 because of Ryan Fitzgeraldthomas. And I think Ray Lewis and Dennis Quaid would agree with me. Say, did you see there was a country called Chad on this globe? THAT’S MY COUNTRY!
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Ocho Cinco into his home in a spirited attempt to get the two men to understand one another.
Marvin: Okay, Chad. This is my condo. This is where I stay during the middle of the week because of the late hours. You’re free to stay with me here.
Ocho: Nice. Nice. That’s tight. Thanks, coach.
Marvin: Anyway, I set up an extra TV and DVD player for you in the media room.
Ocho: Solid.
Marvin: I sleep on the bed in the main bedroom. You can sleep on the twin bed here in the guest room.
Ocho: Whoa ho yo, coach. What’s this about a twin bed?
Marvin: That’s the bed in the guest room. You can sleep on it.
Ocho: I’m sorry, coach. I can’t sleep on no twin bed. I need a regular-ass bed.
Marvin: It is a regular bed.
Ocho: You just said it was a twin bed.
Marvin: A twin bed IS a regular bed. It’s the name of the size for a one-person bed.
Ocho: (thinks for seventeen minutes) Where’s its brother bed?
Marvin: It doesn’t have a brother bed. It’s just one bed.
Ocho: What kinda twins were they? See, because some twins are kinda scary. Some of them are, like twin gynecologists and shit. I just want to know what kinda twin I’m getting into. If it’s like “Double Impact” and the twin wears black silk underwear and what not, that’s kinda cool. I could negotiate that.
Marvin: It’s just CALLED a twin. Furthermore, it’s just a bed. It can’t wear underwear, or perform vaginal surgery. Beds can’t do that. Those are twin PEOPLE. This is a twin bed. The two have nothing in common. At all.
Ocho: I just think it’s weird that this bed has a twin and the twin is not around. I mean, isn’t that kinda fucked up? What happened to the twin? Was it, like, all deformed and shit? Was it the evil twin? Maybe it swallowed kids and what have you. The whole idea of a twin bed is just kinda fucked up to me, coach. I just want a normal bed, if that’s okay with you.
Marvin: Again, Chad, this IS a normal bed. Twin beds are called twin beds because they usually put two of them in a room, for siblings, or roommates, or whomever.
Ocho: So then WHY aren’t there two in this room?
Marvin: Because I don’t need two. I only need one bed for this condo. YOU only need one bed. So I only bought one.
Ocho: See, I think you’re hiding something. I think something else HAPPENED to that other mattress, and you don’t really want to talk about it.
Marvin: Like what?
Ocho: I don’t know. Like, maybe you got a stain on it that you didn’t really want people to know about. Or maybe the twin brother bed saw you doing something it shouldn’t have and you tried to smother it with its own pillow. I mean, you’re all alone here usually. I don’t know what kinda shit you like to pull.
Marvin: There is no OTHER mattress. And I didn’t have anything done to it. I bought ONE. One mattress. That’s it.
Ocho: I just don’t like the whole idea of sleeping on a twin bed when its other twin isn’t around. How do I know it doesn’t miss the other bed? If I sleep on this bed, does the other bed feel it? And what if the one bed wants to talk to the other bed in that fucked-up twin language that twins do? I saw the Barber brothers do that shit once. They were at a party and all like HUBBA ZUBBA BINGO TANGO and shit. That fucking freaked me out.
Marvin: Okay, beds don’t have feelings. And they don’t talk in secret twin languages. Beds can’t talk.
Ocho: Yeah, but they COULD.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could.
Marvin: No, they couldn’t.
Ocho: Yes, they could! If you put, like, a top lip on the top mattress, and then a bottom lip on the box spring, then it could open up and be like I’M A BED, MOTHERFUCKER! HEY TWIN BROTHER BED MAN, GET THIS HEAVY ASS COACH OFF OF ME!
Marvin: Okay, that can’t actually happen. That can only happen in your imagination.
Ocho: But that means it COULD happen.
Marvin: No, it doesn’t. Lots of things happen in your imagination, Chad. Beds talk. Bacon floats. I’m sure there are chimeras playing poker somewhere in there as well. But that doesn’t mean that it can be real simply because you thought of it.
Ocho: Well, why not? How do you know there isn’t some other kind of dimension and shit where chimneys play poker? I could see that happening.
Marvin: I just… I can’t… What?
Ocho: I could see a chimney losing a hand and getting REALLY smoky! Like all, GRRRR YOU TOOK MY MONEY, NOW I WILL SMOKE YOU OUT!
Marvin: Okay, fine. You don’t want the twin bed? No problemo. I’ll call the mattress store and have them bring in a queen bed.
Ocho: A queen bed? WHOA WHOA WHOA. I don’t want no tiny queen bed.
Marvin: It’s bigger than a twin!
Ocho: No, it’s not. I’ve seen the Queen. Okay? She a tiny little white girl. I think she lives in a teacup.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU MUST BE THE DUMBEST FUCKING IDIOT THAT HAS EVER STEPPED FOOT INTO MY LIFE. A MILLION SCIENTISTS IN A MILLION YEARS COULD LOOK THROUGH A MILLION MICROSCOPES AND NOT FIND ONE FUCKING BRAIN CELL IN YOUR GODDAMN HEAD. HOW DO YOU GO THROUGH 30 SOME ODD YEARS OF LIFE NOT KNOWING YOUR GODDAMN MATTRESS SIZES? OR THINKING THAT BEDS CAN ACTUALLY FUCKING THINK AND VERBALIZE FEELINGS TO ONE ANOTHER? OR THINKING THAT CHIMNEYS CAN PLAY GAMES OF CHANCE?!
HOW IN THE LIVING FUCK DO YOU BREATHE? SERIOUSLY? I’M SHOCKED YOUR FUCKING BRAIN ACTUALLY TELLS YOUR LUNGS TO INFLATE AND DEFLATE. YOU ARE THAT FUCKING RETARDED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Ocho: See, now I know you did something to that other mattress. I’mma call Ray Lewis. He’s done bad things to mattresses too, so I bet he can, like, profile you and shit.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
In an effort to regain control of his team, Bengals coach Marvin Lewis decides to take the drastic step of bringing volatile wideout Chad Johnson into his home, in a spirited attempt to get both men to understand one another better.
Marvin: Bathroom’s down the hall. The kids are in bed around nine or so, so try and keep noise to a minimum after that.
Ocho: I hear ya. No problem at all. Listen, coach, I have to wash my hands. Is there a bathroom I can use?
Marvin: Oh yeah, almost forgot: my contractor is here today to replace some of our piping. The water in the house was shut off for the morning. Here.
Marvin: Just use this to wash your hands.
Ocho: That? No, no, no. I can’t use that. That’s drankin’ water. I can’t use that.
Marvin: What are you talking about? It’s water. It’s the same. You can drink it, bathe with it, water plants with it, whatever.
Ocho: No, it’s not. This water is specifically for DRANKIN’. I can’t use drankin’ water on my hands. It’s dangerous. I need sink water.
Marvin: But… you CAN use it. It’s not dangerous at all. They’re both just water.
Ocho: No, there are different kinds of water.
Marvin: No, there aren’t. All water is the same.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: No, it isn’t.
Marvin: Yes, it is.
Ocho: Then how come they tell you not to drank the water that’s in the ocean?
Marvin: That’s seawater. It has salt in it.
Ocho: EXACTLY. That’s a different kind of water. Like drankin’ water.
Marvin: No, no. That isn’t how it works. All water is THE SAME, Chad. It’s the same base molecule, H2O. Two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.
Ocho: The fuck you talking about? There’s no oxygen in water. That’s the air.
Marvin: No, you don’t understand. At the molecular level, all water is the same: H2O.
Ocho: Like “Halloween: H2O”?
Marvin: NO! Listen to me. Water is all the same, but then other things can be dissolved into it, like minerals, or flavorings, or salt…
Ocho: Why would I add salt to water if it makes it taste so bad?
Marvin: You wouldn’t. That just happens naturally in the oceans.
Ocho: Then, if it naturally has salt in it, then it’s NATURALLY a different kind of water, just like Vitamin Water…
Marvin: Again, that’s not water. That’s a sweetened beverage.
Ocho: Or Fire Water…
Marvin: That’s a liqueur.
Ocho: Or Waterworld…
Marvin: That’s a motion picture starring Kevin Costner and Jeanne Tripplehorn. None of those things are water. Not Waterworld, or Vitamin Water…
Ocho: Then why does it say WATER on the goddamn bottle?
Marvin: Because that’s a brand name. Just because you CALL something water doesn’t make it water.
Ocho: What about Brian Waters? He seems very watery. Always dripping.
Marvin: No, no. Brian Waters is an offensive lineman. Not a kind of water. Water is an INGREDIENT in Vitamin Water, and even in people, but that doesn’t make either one ALL water. They have other stuff in them.
Ocho: Okay then, let me ask you this: Would you wash your hands with Vitamin Water?
Marvin: No, you can’t wash your hands with Vitamin Water.
Ocho: See? I rest my case. THAT is why I can’t use the drankin’ water for my hands.
Marvin: HOLY SHIT. ARE YOU THE DENSEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH?! FRESH, CLEAR FUCKING WATER IS SAFE TO DRINK AND TO WASH YOUR FUCKING HANDS WITH. WHAT FUCKING BYZANTINE LABYRINTH OF BREATHTAKINGLY FUCKHEADED LOGIC CAUSED YOU TO DEDUCE THAT YOU CAN’T WASH YOUR HANDS WITH A GODDAMN SPLASH OF AQUAFINA, YOU DROOLING FUCKING MORON?
Ocho: Hmm… I’m still not convinced about this, man. I think I should probably call Ray Lewis. He can settle this.
Marvin: No, no. You want proper sink water? FINE. I’ll go over to the neighbors and get some for you. I’ll back down on this juuust for you. Okay? That’s the kind of effort I’m gonna try and make, so we can co-exist, EVEN THOUGH YOU LACK THE BASIC, RUDIMENTARY FUCKING UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT COMPRISES WATER AND WHAT DOES NOT.
(leaves, comes back with bowl full of water)
Here. Here’s some sink water.
Ocho: That’s not sink water. That’s in a bowl. That’s dog water. I can’t wash my hands in dog water.
Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.
