Wade: (paces back and forth) Oh, FUCK. Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck. That did NOT go well. We got our dang lunch handed to us out there! Oh God, what do I do? I’m dead. I’m so dead. I’m so dead.

Wait, you know what? I’ve been doing this shit for years now, freaking out any time that crazy asshole’s about to open that door. Well, NOT THIS TIME! This time, I’m gonna do what my daddy always said to do when somethin’ went wrong. MAN UP. Time for me to quit havin’ a big ol’ pity party and take CHARGE. And I know exactly what I’m gonna do.

(picks up phone)

Jennifer, can you send Coach Garrett into my office? Thank you.

(door flies open)

Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. What seems to be the problem, my good man? Did you drop the rest of your Almond Joy on the ground, and now find yourself lacking the capacity to bend at the waist in order to retrieve it, wherever your waist may be located?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Pardon?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Come again?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Could you put that in a more erudite, Princeton way of phrasing?

Wade: You’re fired.

Garrett: Am I to take it that you mean I’m being expurgated?

Wade: Yes. I want to move in a new direction there, coach Garrett. So please pack up your things and go.

Garrett: Oh. Mmm hmm. I see. Hmm. Tee hee. Ho ho. Tee hee hee. Ha ha ha. Chuckle chuckle. GUFFAW! HEARTY GUFFAWING! LOUD, EBULLIENT GUFFAWING IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION!

Wade: What’s so dang funny?

Garrett: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Judd! Judd, my dear brother! Come hither at once!

(door flies open)

Judd: Dearest elder brother, I rushed here as soon as I could! Are you all right? Did this hideous sea creature try and consume you whole, as the whale once engulfed Jonah? My God, the smell! It infiltrates all my olfactory receptacles! I say, my nose is under severe duress!

Garrett: No, my dear brother. Nothing is wrong at all. I just thought I’d share with you an amusing anecdote. It seems that our “boss” here (stifles laughter), has just informed me of my impending termination.

Judd: No.

Garrett: It’s true!

Judd: Fire a Princeton man? Surely he jests!

Garrett: He does not jest!

Judd: No jesting of any sort?

Garrett: He has not jested in any fashion!

Judd: Surely, his lack of jesting is most jest-worthy!

Garrett: Indeed!

Judd: Huzzah! What a jester!

Garrett: I must tell our good friend Bill Kristol of this jesting merriment!

Judd: Indeed! I’ve never heard such an amusing jesture!

Garrett: Ha ha ha!

Wade: I don’t know what you two think is so dang amusing. Jason, I am the head coach of this team. And that means I have control over my staff. So I am firing you. And you too, Judd.

Judd: Oh, no! He’s fired me too!

Garrett: What a cavalcade of misfortune, dear brother!

Judd: How will we ever survive, good sir? With our excellent pedigrees, and sterling resumes, and pure European blood? BAHAHAHAHA!

Garrett: BAHAHAHA! Oh God! Someone tell him to stop! I can’t take it… all this jesting!

Judd: Brother! Brother! Is this not just like the time back at our Princeton eating club? When we ATE?! And then told Blakeley Chumwell that his girlfriend was NOT a member of the Mayflower Society?

Garrett: Oh, yes! That was an excellent jesting! And a good eating that resulted!

Judd: Indeed. There’s nothing like a good jesting paired with a good eating.

Wade: YOU TWO ARE FIRED! GET OUTTA THIS BUILDING RIGHT NOW!

Garrett: Oh ho ho, good man. Surely you know you can’t possibly fire us.

Wade: Why not? Who says I can’t?

(door flies open)

Jerry: YEEEEEEHAW!!!!!! WHOOP WHOOP WHOOPITY ASSBANGAROO!! WHERE IS THAT FAT FUCK?!

Wade: Sir.

Jerry: YOU FAT SHIT! YOU BIG FAT USELESS TUB OF SHORTENING! YOU FUCKING SPOONBREAD-EATING GLOP OF SHIT-STUDDED BROWNIE DOUGH! YOU ARE FAT!

Wade: Sir, I know we’re struggling right now, but I am taking measures to get us back on track.

Jerry: Oh really, Boxy Brown? Do you have some sort of big fat magic wand that can git my boy ROMO back out on that field?! Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a star?

Wade: I believe you may at one time have…

Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! And you are FUCKING UP HIS TEAM with your big fat sausage fingers! You fat asshole! I made reservations for Tampa ages ago, AND YOU ARE FUCKING THOSE PLANS UP, FARTBURGER. Switzer and I already reserved a room with 12 megabars. WE WERE GONNA FUCK HALF OF TAMPA!

Wade: Sir. I have a handle on the situation. And I am taking action right this minute, starting with the dismissal of these two gentlemen.

Jerry: WHAT?

Garrett: Afraid so, Mr. Jones. It would seem that our buxom chap here has deemed that neither my or my dear brother’s dexterous minds are no longer welcome.

Judd: Indeed.

Jerry: He tried to fire you both? Well, that is… THAT IS THE FUNNIEST GODDAMN THING I EVER HEARD!

Garrett: I know! Don’t you find it a jesting worthy of Marceau?

Jerry: Oh, Tubby. I’ll give you one thing, fatass. You sure know how to lighten up the mood around these parts!

Wade: I wasn’t joking!

Jerry: Oh, please. Who would have called the plays if you had fired these two?

Wade: I would have.

Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Oh, that’s even better! I can picture you on the helmet radio now! “Say, this here’s Coach Fatass. I’d like a large pepperoni, three large Meat Lover’s, an egg yolk milkshake, a whole roasted elephant, and a side of brie cheese fries.”

Garrett: Don’t forget the Gatorade cooler filled with chocolate mousse!

Judd: Or the defibrillator!

Jerry: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Wade: This is serious! I’m taking charge here!

Jerry: Oh, son. The only thing you’re allowed to take charge of here is the FroYo bar! NOW GO FIND ME A QUARTERBACK WHO DOESN’T THROW LIKE A GODDAMN RODEO FAGGOT!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman be hidn out wit dem hos from da Gold Club. Pacman likey how dat azz be bouncn. He gon shine. He gon slap dem unyunz and den frost dat cupcake. Pacman down wid it. He gon go ackylacky on dat azz.

Jerry: Hey Adam, did you hear that tubby here tried to fire the Garretts?

Pacman: O, dat funny. Like dem Way-nz. Dey make dem white chicks n shit. Pacman down wid it. Pacman take dem white chicks and plug dat drain. Den he do da sticky sticky wit dat sirrup. And he gon drank. O, you say he kan’t drank? Nuh nuh nuh. He gon drank. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till dem white chicks get da white skeet on they shoez.

Garrett: Indeed! What a fine day of jesting this has become!

Wade: This sucks.

Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! WOOHOO! YOU’RE POWERLESS, FAT ASS!!!! THE ONLY THING YOU CAN TERMINATE IS YOUR WEIGHT WATCHERS CONTRACT! WOOO HOOOO YEEE DOGGIE I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

Wade: Well, well, well. This has been one heckuva week, ain’t it? Sweet mercy, we have had a time. Those pesky Cardinals done us in, and now we got so many injuries, I think we ran out of bandages!

But I think we’ll be okay.

We’re early in the season, and this team is still 4-2. That ain’t bad. I think this crew needed to experience a bit of adversity. I think they needed to understand that you can’t just expect games to be given to you. I think we’ll grow from this. I really do. We’re gonna be a better team.

Oh, who the hell am I kidding? WE’RE SCREWED!

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit. What am I gonna do? I gotta have a solution ready for when that lunatic comes through that door! Think, Wade, think! Must have a plan… gotta think of something before it all goes to…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YOU FAT FUCKING SHIT! YOU FUCKING LAZY , FAT, FUCKING LAZY FAT SAUSAGE BREATHER! YOU FUCKING TOLD ME TO GET MY RING FINGER READY, YOU FAT SHIT!

Wade: Now, calm down there, sir. We can’t just panic at the first sign of trouble. We gotta keep a level head here.

Jerry: Oh, I do? Gotta keep a level head, eh, Meatball? Is that what I’m supposed to do? I’m just supposed to kick back WHILE YOUR FAT ASS RUNS MY TEAM INTO THE FUCKING GROUND?!

Wade: I have a plan, sir.

Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up shut up. SHUT YOUR FATHOLE! No one wants to hear your suggestions, Eli Sundae! I already traded for Roy Williams. ANOTHER BIG CALF ROPED IN BY THE DOUBLE-J! YEEHAW!

Wade: Sir, with all due respect, you hired me to be the coach of this team. Now, how can I be an effective coach of any sort if you won’t let me have input, or implement any of the things I want to implement? Why have me around if you don’t want me to do my job?

Jerry: BECAUSE YOU’RE FAT, FATTY! You look at you, waddling around like giant tit with two legs. YOU CAN’T PUT A PRICE ON THAT KINDA ENTERTAINMENT, SENOR FROGLEG! Don’t you worry about a thing, Tubby. The ol’ Double-J has got this situation under firm control!

Wade: Okay, so what’s your plan?

Jerry: Well, it’s obvious that you, in all your fatness, haven’t set a healthy example for this team, LEON SWEAT! That’s why we got so many guys on the fucking injury list. THEY’VE ALL BEEN WATCHING YOU SCARF DOWN CINNAMON ROLLS AND DRINKING CAKE BATTER! We need more doctors in here to keep this team healthy. That’s why I’m EXPANDING THE TRAINING STAFF, TUBMARINE!

Wade: Expanding the training staff?

Jerry: That’s right, meatlover. I’ve called every doctor I know. Doctor Who, Dr. No, Dr. Drew, Dr. Bricker, Dr. Phil, Dr. Pepper, Dr. Detroit, Dr. Joyce Brothers, Dr. James Andrews, Dr. House, Dr. Marvin Monroe, Dr. Zaius, Dr. Rosenpenis, Dr. Kevorkian, Dr. Doom, Dr. J, Dr. Hook…

Wade: I’m not sure any of these…

Jerry: SHUT YOUR CHICKENHOLE! Dr. Jerry Punch, The Fight Doctor Ferdie Pacheco, The Rug Doctor STEAMING MAD AT FUCKING DIRT, Dr. Octopus, Doctor doctor gimme the news, Dr. Strangleove, Dr. Demento, Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem, Dr. Dre (the fat one), Dr. Martin van Nostrand, Doctors Strombridge and Greenbaum, Dr. Zhivago, Dr. Gonzo, Dr. Moreau, Dr. Feelgood, Dr. Meredith Grey, Dr. Doug Ross, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, Dr. Beeper, Dr. Lector, Dr. Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll, Dr. Cornel West, Dr. Faustus, Dr. Huxtable, Dr. Frasier Crane, Dr. Katz, Dr. Death Steve Williams, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Doc Holliday, Dr. Doogie Howser, Dr. Claw, Dr. Richard Kimble, Dr. Zoidberg, Dr. Bill Harford, and Dr. Tim Whatley. HOW YOU LIKE THAT FOR A MEDICAL STAFF, FATASS?!

Wade: That’s a lotta doctors.

Jerry: These docs will monitor my boy ROMO’s pinky 24 hours a day! You hear me? I want that little finger of his going wiggle wiggle by tomorrow morning! FUCK, FOR THIS MONEY, I WANT IT TO BE ABLE TO FUCKING FINGER BANG! I want full assfingerbanging capability restored to my boy Romo, stat!

Wade: But it’s already broken, it…

Jerry: And I want Felix Jones’ hammy replaced with TWO NEW HAMSTRINGS. I WANT DOUBLE HAMSTRINGS, HAM ANDERSON!

Wade: I’m not you can…

Jerry: And I want Terence Newman’s hernia welded shut!

Wade: I don’t know how…

Jerry: And one more thing, Jabba…

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman go 2 da corna office wher dat firebox say SHIT B OFF. SHIT B FUKKIN OFF. Pacman ain’t down wid it. Where ma spec? Pacman don’t cause no trizzle. All Pacman want wuz 2 gang up on dat creampie and put da skeez on dem kneez. Pacman say dat ok. He gon shine. He down wid it. Don’t Firebox lissen fo SHIT.

Jerry: Now Adam, we’re all very disappointed in the commissioner’s ruling. But these doctors here are gonna help you!

Pacman: Man, fuk dem Quincy ass bitches. Pacman don’t wan no house call unless dat azz b knockin’ on da door. Pacman gon do the injectin’. He gon take hiz nightstick and beat dat pussy up lef an right. BULEEV DAT. Gon make dat pussy cry like ma shortiez. Split dat bitch up till she need dem stichez. And Pacman gon drank. Oh, he gon DRANK. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he put da hot sauce on dem azzcakes. He gon gobble dat azz up. Chomp dat azz till dat azz b gon.

(porthole flies open)

Dr. Bricker: Azzcakes? Sounds naughty!

Wade: What’s an azzcake?

Jerry: IT’S AN IMPORTANT MEDICAL TERM, FATTY! I want you to personally oversee this new medical staff. It’s gonna be YOUR JOB to make sure all my goddamn STARS get back out onto that fucking field, Dr. Fatkins! You got me?

Wade: I don’t have time to oversee a staff this large. We gotta deal with those pesky Rams. Who’s gonna help prepare the team?

(door flies open)

Garrett: Mmmm. Yes. Indeed. Never you mind that, my portly compatriot. I have a prescription for our offense. A HEALTHY DOSE OF GUMPTION!

Wade: Why, you lowdown snake!

Garrett: Don’t fear, my good man. My new Princeton Offense will soon be the darling of the League. The scuttlebutt will grow by the minute! Of course, I assume you know about the butt than the scuttle.

Jerry: Princeton Offense? I like the sound of that!

Garrett: Ah, excellent. The secret ingredient will be CUTS!

Wade: That doesn’t sound very innovative.

Jerry: YOU SHUT UP, MOZZARELLA STICK FIGURE! My boy GARRETT knows what he’s doing! Now you hit that training room, and steer clear of Doc Ock’s tentacles! I heard they tore one of the assistants titties clean off!

Pacman: Pacman down wid dat.

Wade: This sucks.

Jerry: YEEEE HAWWWW! WOOHOO! SOMEBODY PUT ME ON A PLANE SO I CAN FUCK A STEWARDESS IN THE MOUTH! GOD DAMMIT, I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!