Well that didn’t take long. Jerry Jones’ enabling and Wade Phillips’ denials notwithstanding, Pacman Jones has been suspended indefinitely by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. According to Michael David Smith, the suspension will be for at least four games. Dallas’ ambitious social experiment lasted a whopping six games.

Apparently, Jones violated the terms of his reinstatement on the night when he is alleged to have gotten into a fight with his own babysitter. But it may have been his imbibing, rather than his belligerence, that got him crossways with the Commish.

“Looks like somebody forgot there’s a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation.”

Pacman down skeezin’ on dem whitecakes when dat Firebox from da corner office tell him shit be back on.

OH YEAH, SHIT BE BACK ON.

We gon shine. We gon take dat shit and we gon make it FLOOD. We gon make a MONPOON. We gon take dem fisty girlz and stick it up in dat azz loco-style. AIN’T NOBODY GON LEAVE DA PARTY TILL ALL DAT AZZ BE DRAINED.

And we gon drank. HAY-ULLS YEAH, WE GON DRANK. We gon chomp dem power dots and chase dem ghosts till dat Blinky stop dat blinkin’. We gon ABABABABABABA till we come out da otha side of dat azz. Shit be smokin’ round the rim when we break that shit off. Den we gon light up like Level 5.

AIN’T NOBODY GON KEEP US FROM FISHIN’ ON DAT PUSSYDOCK CAUSE WE GOT DA RODZ. PACMAN DOWN WIT IT. HE GOT DA DONGBAIT TO MAKE DEM CHERRIES BOUNCE ALL NIGHT LONG.

HOUSE THAT SHIT.

Wade: Stupid Jerry Jones. Tired of him bein’ such a big jerk. Why, if I had a mind, I’d slap that no-good snake right good! Gosh darn right I would!

Tired of bein’ disrespected around here. I am one of the finest defensive coordinators in all of football, but people forget that when I’m the head man! Shoot, so I ain’t so hot in front of a camera. So what? Most people aren’t. My job is teach football and get these men prepared, and darn it if I’m not pretty good at it.

So bring it on, Double-J. I’m not afraid of you anymore. I’m tired of tryin’ to please someone who’s hopin’ to never be pleased. So you just walk on through that door, and you…

(door flies open)

Jerry: YAAAAAAAAY-HAW!!!! SWEET JESUS HIPPITY HOPPITY DING DONG FLIP FLOPPITY BANG YOU FROM THE TOPPITY OF MY POPPITY!!!

Wade: What do you want?

Jerry: Hoo boy, who’s feeling chipper this morning?! Listen fatty, I want to talk to you.

Wade: (sighs) What is it? What horrible thing am I supposed to subject myself to now?

Jerry: Easy, Tubby. I’ve been thinkin’. And I think I’ve done you wrong.

Wade: Heard that before.

Jerry: No, I mean it. AND WHEN THE DOUBLE-J GIVES YOU HIS WORD, IT IS FUCKING MAHOGANY! I’ve done you wrong, Wade Phillips. You’re a good man. Hell, better man than I ever was. I respect who you are as man. Frankly, I probably resent ya for it as well. I’m sorry I undermined you. I’m sorry I brought that Princeton faggot in to undermine you. I’m sorry about all the times I fired you. I’m sorry I branded you. And raped you. Hell, I’m sorry I set up that surveillance camera in your daughter’s bedroom.

Wade: You set up a…

Jerry: BUT THAT’S ALL WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE NOW! I’ve realized that, by undermining you, I haven’t given you a fair shake. You deserve to coach this team without me gummin’ you up at every turn. And I think you’ve worked damn hard for these Dallas Cowboys. So I think you’ve earned yourself a day off. Forrest Lump.

Wade: A what?

Jerry: A day off. Go on. GIT. I arranged a nice pontoon boat ride for you and your family. No joke. Just go on now, and enjoy.

Wade: But there’s still so much to do. We’re still in season preparations, and, well, I’m not sure we’ve got much time for a dilly-dallyin’…

Jerry: LISTEN LARDASS, I GAVE YOU THE DAY OFF. NOW YOU TAKE THAT GODDAMN DAY OFF BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND!

Wade: Yes sir. Yes, sir I’ll do that right quick. And thank you. Thank you kindly.

Jerry: GIT!

Wade: I just… I just can’t but think something ain’t…

Jerry: Will you just roll your fat ass out the door?

Wade: Right.

(Wade leaves.)

Jerry: Is he gone? I think he’s gone. All right, bring the camera crew in.

Frankie: Sir?

Jerry: Frankie, I need you to spray some Oust in this office. I think Minister Fudge out there had hisself another breakfast burrito. Smells like red pepper farts. NOW GIT VAN PATTEN IN HERE!

Frankie: You got it, Mr. J.

(door flies open)

Dick Van Patten: Hi, everyone!

Jerry: Move it, Van Patten. I GOTTA PAY YOUR ASS SCALE, SO TIME IS MONEY!

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: All right, Van Patten, here’s the deal. Ever since HBO started putting Mount Chocula out there on camera, ratings have plummeted. No one wants to hear some fat man say stupid fat man things. So I need you to give Assafrass’s role there some SIZZLE! He’s comin’ off like some big fat Broward County FAGGOT! I need you to sell this role. Now, there are FIVE things I learned about bein’ a salesman. The first rule is… GIT YOUR HANDS ON ALL THE SWEET ARKINSAW ASS YOU CAN FIND! And I don’t remember the goddamn rest.

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: The important thing here is to make me LOOK GOOD! Ol’ Walter Titty out there just made us all look stupid! So when someone asks you something, you just turn to me and make sure you look like you need my sage advice. GOT ME RECKONED, YOU OLD BAG?!

Dick Van Patten: Yes, sir.

Jerry: Then roll those cameras! And get Adam in here!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. I gon be easin’ into dat skeezin’. Slap that azz on the griddle and flip it. Pacman down wid it.

Jerry: Adam, I have heard that you fell asleep in a meeting the other day. And then you poked one of our secretaries in the eye with your erection when you asked her to pick something up for you. THAT IS NOT THE COWBOY WAY! We are here to set an example for the communitay, and all the sweet, delicious, snappin’ pussy it entails. That’s why I’ve cuttin’ yer curfew back to 4:30AM instead of the usual 5AM. (whispers) Agree with me, tubby.

Dick Van Patten: That is a very bold, leaderful type of move, sir.

Jerry: YOU’RE GODDAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now, let’s get our offensive coordinator emeritus in here to go over our game plan.

(door flies open)

Switzer: (blind drunk) Heeeeeey. Let me tell you folks somethin’. I can’t coach worth a goddamn. BUT PLAYERS ALWAYS PLAY FOR BARRY SWITZER, AND DIDN’T NOBODY SAY THAT SHIT ABOUT OL’ WOODY “FUCKBARN” HAYES!

Jerry: Drunken Barry Switzer, you have had too much to drink, yet again. I keep tellin’ ya: you drink that much Oxy Clean, somethin’s gonna get dirty! Right, flabcunt?

Dick Van Patten: Another trademark example of your daring captainship, sir.

Switzer: Jerray! Jerray Jones! Damn good to see you, ol’ boy! Say, you remimber win… you remimber win we put on those white hoods and went trick or treatin’ through the black neighborhood? BOY, WE RAISED SOME HELL THAT NIGHT!

Jerry: Goddamn right we did!

(door flies open)

Garrett: Hmm. Yes. Indeed. It seems eight servings is MORE than enough for that mobile gastropub of a man.

Dick Van Patten: What’s he mean?

Jerry: Just shut your oldhole, you fossil.

Garrett: Mr. Jones, it behooves me, against the besmirching of your fine reputation, to express my, shall we say.. misgivings… over our quarterback’s dalliances with a certain young country ingénue. Despite her more… pneumatic qualities, I worry about her leading our young signal-caller astray.

Jerry: Oh, that’s you’re one weakness, Princeton Boy. Too much music appreciation and not enough pussy appreciation! That girl has sent my boy ROMO’s Q rating up 30 points. And you know what that means?

Garrett: He’s a gadfly?

Jerry: HE’S A GODDAMN STAR! LOOK AT THESE TITTIES.

AIN’T NO BAD EVER COME FROM TITTIES LIKE THAT! AIN’T NOTHIN’ HARD ABOUT THOSE KNOCKERS!

Dick Van Patten: Well chosen words, sir.

Jerry: Good work, Van Patten. You may prove a good replacement for ol’ gutdragger out there. YEEHAW!

(door flies open)

Wade: What’s goin on here? Why’s everyone in my office? YOU’RE ALL IN CAHOOTS!

Jerry: Uh oh, FATTY ON THE SET!

Wade: I knew this was all too good to be true, Jerry Jones. Why, you ain’t nothin’ more than a no good weasel! And I’mma fix you right!

Jerry: Gotta catch me first, hamcakes! Strike the set! Everybody run! THE ORIGINAL HONEY DRIPPER IS ON THE LOOSE!

Wade: I’ll git you, Jerry Jones.

Jerry: Not as long as I got two legs, FAT HOUSTON!! I TELL YA, THIS MAKES FOR SOME DAMN FINE TEEVEE!!!!!!! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

Wade: Hoo wee! Sure is hot in this office. I wish they’d turn up the air conditioning. I’m burning up!

(wipes forehead with Diet Coke can)

I can’t work like this. All I can think about is cooling off. There’s gotta be a way to get some air in here.

(tries to open window)

Dangit! These windows won’t open! Well, that’s it. I’m gonna have to resort to extreme measures.

(takes off shoes and socks)

Ah! My word, that feels good. Aw, what the heck, may as well take it one step further.

(takes off pants, rests them on a nearby chair)

Much better. Oh, thank God. Now to sit down without my pants on and quietly do some work, in a situation that looks salacious but is, in fact, very innocent.

(door flies open)

Jerry: NYEEEEEEHAW!!!! HEY DIDDLY DADDLY FINGERBANGER YIPPITY YAY!!!

Wade: Oh, shit.

Jerry: Well, well, well. Look who finally decided to drop the pants façade! Finally realized Old Navy didn’t make ‘em in size 86, did you, Chubtard?!

Wade: Sir, I was very hot, and…

Jerry: Spare me, Tubby! Of course you’re hot. I could drop you in liquid nitrogen and you’d still be sweating sesame oil, you big fat pig’s ass! Frankie! Frankie, get in here!

Frankie: Sir?

Jerry: Frankie, make sure to get a shot of Flab Calloway’s fat ass here. BETTER USE YOUR WIDEST LENS! THAT’S A PANAVISION ASS IF I EVER SEEN IT!

Frankie: You got it, Mr. J.

Wade: Hey, what are you doing? You can’t film me!

Jerry: Course I can, you big fat fuck! I’m the owner of this here team. Which means I own your fat ass. And lemme tell ya, that’s a lotta acreage! Now Frankie here is from HBO.

Wade: HBO?

Jerry: That’s right. Home of “Deadwood,” that show about your cellulite-crushed genitalia! Frankie’s here to shoot us all for HARD KNOCKS!

Wade: Hard Knocks?

Jerry: Didn’t I tell you my boy ROMO was a goddamn star? Well, now it’s official! HBO’s gonna make stars of us all! We’re gonna be on the TV!

Wade: But we already are on TV a lot.

Jerry: Not enough, Beastula. That dirty fucker Belichick likes taping other teams. Well, I’m beating him to the punch! The Dallas Cowboys are gonna be on camera 24/7! Let’s see that cougar-taming fuck edit that down! There won’t be a higher profile team in the whole goddamn league when we’re through! And, to boost the ratings, I’ve brought in even more characters!

Wade: Characters, sir?

Jerry: Don’t you know anything about television, Fatty? To be a hit show, you need compelling characters! That’s what I brought in Adam here!

(door flies open)

Pacman: Yo yo. Dat fat bitch ain’t wearin’ no saddle. Pacman ain’t down wid it.

Wade: You’re putting HIM on television?

Jerry: Of course! Here’s is a fascinating young man, torn between doing right is right, and heading down to the Gold Club to scope out some of that fine, fine, TIXAS ‘TANG! Don’t you see how conflicted this young man is?

Pacman: I gon make them panties snap, bitch. Make you cry fo dat chocolate dong.

Wade: He doesn’t seem very conflicted.

Jerry: Shut up, Fattalanche. My boy ADAM is a goddamn star! You put him on cameras with my boy ROMO, and TO, and the DOUBLE-J HISSELF, YOU GOT YERSELF A GODDAMN SMASH!

Wade: Sir, there’s a lot of work to do. I don’t know if…

Jerry: Shut up shut up shut up. You know what else we need? Surprise guest stars, people the audience kinda recognize! People love seein’ people they’ve seen before! They hate new fuckers! So check this out!

(door flies open)

Switzer: (blind drunk) Heeeeeey. You tell that Bob Devaney, if he don’t like the way Barry Switzer recruits, that Barry Switzer will personally come to his house and piss on his steak.

Jerry: HOT DAMN! Now is this a character, or what?! Look at how drunk my boy SWITZER is!

Switzer: Jerray! Jerray Jones! Damn good to see you, ol’ boy! Say, you remimber win… you remimber win we brought those two honeys duck hunting, then we paddled their naked asses with that rifle butt? You’re a good man, Jerry Jones. DON’T LET NO ONE EVER TELL YOU DIFFERENT!

Jerry: God damn, he is drunk! You see, Fatty? This is what America loves. They love seeing drunk people on camera, because they’re drunks too! That’s called identifying with a character! HOW YOU LIKE THAT?

Wade: Well, I guess it’s okay if they film me.

Jerry: You? Pfft. You think you’re a STAR? You’re no character, Nell Carter.

Wade: I am too a character.

Jerry: No, you ain’t! You’re just a cipher. A foil. Jokes just bounce right off you and go straight to the moon!

Wade: I have a personality!

Jerry: Like hell you do. You’re not going on camera, Tubby. I can tell from this ass shot you ain’t cut out for show business. I’m bringing in a seasoned actor to play you. Van Patten!

(door flies open)

Dick Van Patten: Hi, everyone!

Jerry: Wade, from now on, my boy DICK will be playing the part of you whenever the cameras are around.

Wade: But the cameras are always around.

Jerry: Sure are! But Dick knows his way around the game! Don’t ya, Dick?

Dick Van Patten: Oh, yes. I read for Jerry Van Dyke’s part on “Coach” once. He’s a fine man.

Jerry: You see? This man HAS BEEN THROUGH THE WARS, KAMALA!

Wade: Well, what about a villain? You need a villain.

(door flies open)

Garrett: Hmm. This portly man has chosen to eschew his trousers. Now I know what Bergman meant by “Cries and Whispers”!

Wade: Well, no shit.

Jerry: Isn’t this great?! You couldn’t ask for a better cast of characters in the whole wide world! Now butter those Dockers back on and get the fuck out of Coach Van Patten’s office, Fatpants! It takes 8 hours to get the fat suit on my boy DICK!

Wade: Shit.

Jerry: We’re gonna all be famous, you fat piece of dogshit! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!! WOOOO HOOOOOOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!