The news today, besides John McCain picking some Alaskan woman as his veep (We get to blame women for spoiling the election! Everything that goes wrong the next four years will be their fault!), is that Chad Johnson has legally changed his last name to Ocho Cinco. Because he’s 17 different kinds of cray-cray.

However, wacky names are no longer solely the providence of hippies, celebrities and the generally coke-addled, because you – yes you, generically named reader – get to pick an amusing sounding but totally nonsensical appellation. For life!

This, the final commenter draft of the off-season, is dedicated to what name you would legally change your name to. It can be zany, awesome or it can even be a name already taken by a public figure. Carry out horrific acts and despoil their good name!

My opening pick: Cocknballs Hussein Von Rapesalot

Nobody’s ever mistaking my lunch order again!