Once in a while, FOX’s Terry Bradshaw stops by our fair site to dispense his much-loved brand of folksy advice. Take it away, Terry.

You know, I’ve traveled all across this country, far and near. I’ve met lots of people, and gotten all kinds of different gum diseases! And I’ve learned a whole lot meeting people out on the road, and then marrying them, and then divorcing them. For instance…

My daddy always said that if you’ve got yourself some gum, then you’ve got yourself some glue!

If you burn a book, you just release its knowledge out into the air. I done breathed lots of book smoke in my time. How else you thinks I got so smart?

Run out of hogs to make fancy city bacon? Just grab an opossum!

My favorite route is the crossing route! Especially if I’ve got a squirmer in the trunk!

Nothin’ in the Bible says you can’t be baptized with swamp water!

I’ll tell you what. If you ever need a cure for the homosexuality, I got one for ya: Kate Jackson’s drippin’ cooter!

Ain’t no black folk play a washboard quite like creole folk! HOO WEE, THAT’S ONE PURTY SOUNDING WASHBOARD THERE, FELLA!

Ever tried roasting a critter on a spit? Critter eatin’s the best eatin’ there be!

Depression’s terrible. It can eat at your very soul. You end up trapping yourself in this very dark place that you just can’t seem to escape. You feel cold. And alone. And you feel like there’s no hope. That there’s nothing you can do about it. But there is something you can do about it. Watch “Failure To Launch”!

Where I come from, you can always tell if a girl is marriage material by tasting her gumbo. And her tit milk!

Don’t throw out that fish head! Head’s the best part!

When we eventually colonize Mars, I hope we bring the crawdaddies with us!

Howie was in some Radio Shack commercials, you know? I sez to him, “We had a radio shack growin’ up! Kept the AM tuner in the outhouse!”

You ain’t need no cell phone when you got yourself 10-10-220, and someone who can read numbers and what not!

You know what would be a real purty name for a baby girl? Nutria!

Don’t care what the eggheads tell me, the speed of sound is 6. 6 what? 6 nothing, just 6.

Jillian Barberie is what Grammy Bradshaw would call a real “alligator boot whore”!

I don’t care what no one say, you know damn well a computer ain’t nothin’ but a typewriter attached to a teevee!

My momma always said a black tooth means six weeks of good luck!

If you ever see a feller in Oklahoma named Billy Joe “Blackjack” Raymond, you tell him Terry Bradshaw said hi! And then you take a crowbar and nail that sumbitch in the damn head with it. I WANT MY MARBLES BACK, BLACKJACK! THERE’S A SIDE TO TERRY BRADSHAW YOU DON’T SEE ON THAT THERE TEEVEE, ASSHOLE! YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT I’M CAPABLE OF WHEN A MAN’S GOT MY MARBLES!

They tell me we landed on the moon, but every night I look up there and I’ve never seen no flag!

You know, my momma always said that “Black Snake Moan” was about her! Ain’t that somethin’?

These California folk out here in LA sure are weird! They use forks!

Ain’t no better siding than tin foil siding!

Thanks, Terry. More backwater wisdom from Terry to come!

You know, I’ve traveled all across this country, far and near. I’ve met lots of people, and hit my head on lots of things! And I’ve learned a whole lot meeting people out on the road, and wandering into their homes when I’m off my medication. For instance…

You know, my daddy always said that if the flag is up on your mailbox, that means storm’s a comin’!

Where I come from, it ain’t the size of the varmint, it’s how you season it!

You can always tell a bar is good if you can find a tooth on the ground!

Always keep your car lights on. That way, you can always find it!

You can always tell a quarterback’s thrown the ball if it’s in the air!

Ain’t nobody on earth funnier than Jim Varney.

Never, EVER try and swallow a bag of darts. And, if you DO, don’t call poison control. Apparently, darts don’t count as poison. Ain’t that somethin’?

The best way to catch a snake is if you wait till he’s dead!

Styrofoam is NOT for buildin’ houses. Boy, I learned that the hard way!

If you’re car engine is a-rattlin’, that means the cat done got in it again!

If you ever go to Colorado, you should know that you need boots to put on skis. They don’t tell you in advance! How ‘bout that?

My daddy always said you should NEVER look a woman in the eye when you’re about to hit her.

You can’t teach an old dog new positions.

Ain’t no buzz like the buzz that comes from drinking ink!

They say beauty is only skin deep. And by God, if you’ve ever skinned a person, you know that’s no lie!

The #1 cause of earthquakes is when heavyset people decide to try double dutch!

Where I come from, the best cure for a hangover is a mayonnaise enema!

My mamma always said if you got mud, you got yerself a party!

If you’re passing through Texarkana, Arkansas, and you need a place to stop and rest, head on over to Mabel Willoughby’s house. Tell Mabel Uncle Terry sent ya, then hand her a bucket of underwear. She’ll know what to do after that!

My daddy always said that if the full moon is out, that means Jesus is winkin’ at ya!

Here’s an old home remedy for HIV: Canned peaches!

Where I come from, if you don’t like somethin’, you set it on fire!

If you ever wake up in your car driving towards Flagstaff, and you don’t know how you got there, and there’s chicken blood all over your shirt, ain’t no turnin’ back after that!

You know a school is good if it’s got windows!

Thanks, Terry. More backwater wisdom from Terry to come!