Tom Brady: Listen up, Jizzy. You’re bearing Brady brood now. Big Leagues. And a kid that I actually meant to have, no less. Now, if our wedding and Belichick’s strict regiment of mind conditioning have taught me anything, it is that we are beset on all sides by forces that mean to do us harm. Remember when we had security cap that paparazzo? Tip of the iceberg, baby. Remember: readiness is key.

I want us to have contingency plans in place for any situation. Robbers. Crazed fans. Magma from the skies. The ex. Anything.

So I’ve come up with this comprehensive obstacle course to simulate a number of hazardous scenarios we could be dealing with as we try to raise the child we actually wanted to have. Okay, follow me. I’ll grab Mistake Baby and you can hold your gay little pooch.

C’mon. Faster around the cones. Those could be crazed anarcho-rapists who wish to stab our kid with AIDS blades. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather our kid be free of that stuff. Color me uptight.

There we go. There we go. That’s the hustle I like to see.

Duck the flaming arrows. That’s good. Don’t worry, your hair will only singe.

VIPER PIT! VIPER PIT! You almost plunged right in. What happens when I’m not around next time?

All right. That was decent. But decent isn’t good enough. We’re gonna need to do a lot of work with that. I’ll be damned if my wife delivers before she’s ready to protect my young.

Part of being a good parent isn’t just keeping your kid out of danger, it’s helping them cultivate good instincts about keeping themselves safe. Watch little Mistake Baby go through this minefield.

Look at him go. And that’s a field absolutely brimming with mines. Now, that awareness didn’t just crop up overnight. That is thanks to tireless work on my part. It’s like feeling the rush when you’re a quarterback. Once developed, it’s uncanny and practically second nature. That kid could could cartwheel through that field, no sweat.

Hmmmm.

Didn’t see that coming.

All right. All right. That’s what Mistake Baby is for. Now, if YOU were Bridget, how much would it take to keep you quiet? Like Donte’ Stallworth times diamonds?

Today’s NYT article on Travis Henry’s child support woes is one of the more breathtaking chronicles of idiocy and personal irresponsibility I’ve ever had the pleasure to read. Henry, if you recall, has nine different kids by nine different women. He’s like the black Octomom. Here are the money quotes.

His eldest child was conceived while Henry was in high school, before he was named Mr. Florida Football and a Parade All-American. The child was unplanned as were all but one of his offspring, he said.

One of his children was actually PLANNED? Color me shocked.

Two relationships while he attended the University of Tennessee produced two more children. Attending the annual N.F.L. rookie symposium as a 2001 draft pick of the Buffalo Bills, Henry watched a skit that dramatized the repercussions of imprudent sexual activity. It might as well have been geared toward him.

Henry laughed through the sketch. “I thought, ‘That ain’t ever going to happen to me,’ ” he said.

BUT IT ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOU THREE TIMES.

Henry maintained that he was involved long-term with many of the mothers. Some, he said, told him they were using birth control, and he professed surprise at discovering they became pregnant by him.

I can’t believe a woman I barely know lied to me!

“My counselor asks me, ‘How can you do the same thing over and over?’” he said, unable to provide an answer.

Then he whipped his dick out and asked the reporter if they wanted to have unprotected sex.

“Knock on wood, or something, I’m blessed not to have AIDS. That never crossed my mind.”

Jesus. I mean really, Jesus Christ.

Henry argued that, within the context of richly paid athletes, he was not out of line. He contended that he owned no more than three vehicles at once and figured he had spent $250,000 on jewelry. “That ain’t a lot,” he said.

It ain’t as much as a can of Similac, that’s for sure.

“I have a big heart,” he said.

I just can’t stop fucking people and not worrying about AIDS!

Kessler, his Atlanta lawyer, said Henry could catch up on child support with access to $250,000 that the judge ordered be placed in a trust. Kessler has appealed the ruling.

“Travis is tackling this head-on,” he said…

But falling behind in support, getting arrested for cocaine trafficking, blaming the mothers like so…

Henry voiced no love for the mothers of some of his children. “Everything was cool,” he said before he signed the rich contract with Denver. “Then they were out for blood.”

“I’m trying to get through the storm,” said Henry, who is eager to impart the same advice to N.F.L. rookies that he once ignored. He would tell them, “Don’t ever think it can’t happen to you.”

Yes, NFL rookies. Don’t ever think you could accidentally one day have nine children over the span of a fucking decade.

Travis Henry: Baby Baron.