Kissing Suzy Kolber » Terrell Owens

O AN HE SEXY

flubby — Thu, 18 Feb 2010 20:33:02 +0000

Terrell Owens is looking fierce, yall.

EKSKlusive! Traitorous Terrell Owens Practices with the Dolphins!

Captain Caveman — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 22:40:00 +0000

HAHAHA! Get it? Not Dolphins the AFC East rivals but dolphins the marine mammals! LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!1

People, we need to band together and stop paying attention to T.O. And by “band together” I mean “collectively raise $25,000,” and by “stop paying attention to T.O.” I mean “use that money to hire a professional to make it look like an accident.” Because at this point I’d almost prefer a story about Favre.

…dying. A story about Brett Favre dying.

Well That Was A Complete Waste Of Time

Unsilent Majority — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:09:55 +0000

Firstly let me say that I incorrectly assumed that this show was a half hour. I’ve made a huge mistake. Continue after the jump for highlights of some of the most worthless television programming I’ve ever seen.

-The popcorn is popped, I’m ready to be entertained.

-So publicists are basically helpful friends you have to pay for. Good to know.

-Introducing Pablo, a the body guard and surrogate big brother.

-Oh dear god, Jerry’s tablecloth diagram belongs in Canton. This horribly misguided show has its first worthwhile moment.

-The first of what’s sure to be many tears. That’s my wide receiver.

-Of course TO should move to LA. What could possibly go wrong?

-TO’s is missing! No, he’s just in Buffalo. And the publicists learn of it via text and news report. Then they do a little cheer. This is quite the family-for-hire he’s assembled. TO LA! Pack my shit, Pablo.

-So basically the publicists wanted TO to move to LA to be closer to them. How convenient.

-Pablo needs to smack him. Just once.

-The airline lost TO’s bags. That’s a shame.

-Oh yeah, TO’s gonna take this real estate agent to Dicktown. She certainly does seem receptive. She looks like she’s done this before.

-These publicists can really block some cock. It’s a shame that this is all for show.

-What does TO do in LA? Shopping spree!

-Pablo farted! How droll.

-Undefeated is definitely not on Rodeo drive. I can appreciate the shoes, but $137,000 for some diamond earrings is fucking retarded.

-HOOCHIE LOOKIN’ WOMEN! Pablo has supplied the house with a room full of LA’s finest club rats. The publicists are not happy. I’m starting to think that everyone on this show is full of crap. Probably should have seen that coming.

-It’s almost as if going to LA has made TO more vain. That never happens!

-And now for a nice relaxing night at home with the seductively dressed Asian real estate agent and a camera crew. It’s okay, she’s a nice Christian girl. Now about that hot tub…

-Of course she has a bikini ready to go. Champagne, strawberries, and some light petting, this whole sequence is like one of the Blind Date episodes they save for pay per view.

-WORKOUT MONTAGE!

-Any good publicist will advise you to call the ex-fiance you cheated on. And put it on speakerphone! I want to push this show off of a tall building.

-So this ex-fiance is pretty fucking gorgeous. Maybe Felicia should have a reality show.

-A commercial for Daisy of Love. Well I’ll never be the same again after that.

-Man purse! And TO’s housewarming gift is a double picture frame. On one side a picture of the former couple, on the other a stock photo of some white people looking at a map.

-TO’s first love is football? She must not know him very well. TO’s love list goes something like this.

1. Terrell Owens
2. TO
3. Some me
3. Football
4. Other shit

-What better way to end the first episode than with an uncomfortable silence.

-Just to be clear, the NFL wants you to know that they don’t have anything to do with this piece of shit show. They even made VH1 put up a handy disclaimer

-Next week on The TO Show, a guest appearance by Drew Rosenhaus. 5% more unwatchable!

So all in all that was a complete disappointment. TO doesn’t come off any differently than anyone could have expected and the publicists are far more interested in injecting themselves into TO’s life than actually looking out for his interests. The show’s only redeeming moments were the tablecloth, the fleeting glimpses of Felicia, and the full service real estate agent. Forget an hour, the show could have been 10 minutes long.

Well This Should Be…Interesting?

Unsilent Majority — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:00:32 +0000

I had no idea TO was an alpaca.

Tonight marks the debut of VH1′s The T.O. Show, which promises to offer a more intimate look at Terrell Owens with the help of his co-stars Monique Jackson and Kita Williams. The two publicists share the unenviable task of trying to humanize the NFL’s preeminent diva as he searches for love, happiness, and a place to live in the vast wasteland that is Buffalo.

As much as I want to dismiss the show as more tripe from an obnoxious personality and an unwatchable network I maintain a slight sliver of hope that this could be worthwhile. How long it takes them to quash that hope is anyone’s guess.

Consider this an open-thread to discuss the episode. I’ll post my running commentary in the morning, assuming I don’t swallow a bottle of hydrocodone to numb my disappointment.

In other TO news, guess who has a new cereal? That’s right, now you can start your day with a big bowl of TO’s (“Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!”), the most generic Buffalo Bill endorsed cereal since Flutie Flakes!

Other programming note of interest: Tonight is the season finale of Spike TV’s 4th and Long hosted by Michael Irvin. I’d make a joke about being all excited to find which player will win the honor of being cut by the Cowboys after the second day of training camp, but Ufford beat me to it.

Buffalo Rolls Out the Red Placemats for T.O.

Christmas Ape — Tue, 19 May 2009 15:17:51 +0000

Most people didn’t think there’d be a huge reception for Terrell Owens when he got to Buffalo, but most people don’t realize that the airport doubles as the coolest hangout spot in town. And so there were legions of sad, sad Bills fans there to greet their newest 35-year-old clubhouse cancer, who brought a VH1 crew in tow to capture the whoops of the downtrodden for T.O.’s upcoming reality show.

Mayor Byron Brown later presented Owens with a key to the city, though hopefully it doesn’t work on medicine cabinets because there have been some issues with the pills.

Video of his airport arrival is after the jump because it’s one of those annoying ones that starts automatically.

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 25 Mar 2009 17:22:39 +0000

TO raises awareness about something other than TO. Terrell Eldorado Owens is scheduled to be honored tonight by the National Alzheimer’s Association at the National Building Museum in Washington DC. The proud new Bill will be receiving the NAA’s Young Champions Award, but seeing as how the event is taking place in Washington he’s expected to short-arm the award and get to the ground as fast as he can.

It’s North America’s Twitter Feed!

Christmas Ape — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 14:15:29 +0000

Twitter is a hot white piece of Internet ephemera, one that in less than two year’s time we’ll look back at and snicker that we ever bothered with it in the first place, like Am I Hot or Not? or Kissing Suzy Kolber. But for the time being, it’s a limitless wellspring of comedic possibilities. And so we present recent a snapshot taken from Terrell Owen’s feed, discovered in the Farkian badlands by the inimitable LSUFreek. No doubt Drew Rosenhaus’ feed is “Next question” over and over again. One-note jokes are good like that.

/awaiting iTwitter shirts

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 14:25:10 +0000

Eldorado out in Dallas. After lots of talk the Cowboys have finally released Terrell Owens. That thing you smell is Dan Snyder, who voided his bowels in all the excitement. Poor Sarge, he’ll be cleaning that up all morning. Needless to say, the watch is on. Update: Thank God.

Miraculous return to form by T.O.

flubby — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 19:52:41 +0000

The resurrection of the Sex Cannon wasn’t the only whiff of nostalgia in the air yesterday. After the Cowboys’ latest humiliating defeat, we were treated to something we had assumed had gone the way of the passenger pigeon or Keith Olbermann’s sense of humility: Terrell Classic.

See how skillfully Terrell belabors the fact that he isn’t going to give his opinion, and then deftly solicits quarterbacking from the assembled media. Crafty! My mother-in-law is a black-belt in passive-aggressive behavior, but she could learn some tricks from ol’ 81.

This is the T.O. of old– not the ODing, blubbering, admonisher-of-popcorn-preparation Terrell we’ve seen since he joined the Cowboys. No, this is the sulking egomaniac we remember from S.F. and Philly– the one who wouldn’t think twice to openly question the heart (and/or sexuality) of his quarterback. Welcome back, old friend. We missed you.

[ thx to Xmas Ape for clip ]

Look at this morose motherf-cker right here.

flubby — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:41:00 +0000

Apparently Terrell Owens is so narcissistic that he cannot enjoy being a crucial part of a much-closer-than-expected victory over the visiting Bengals. Owens was spotted late in the game conspicuously gesturing “two” as in the number of receptions he had for the entire game. But the bitch-and-moan didn’t stop there. Check out his bizarre post game comments….

“I’m not going to answer too many questions. And by that I mean none.”

After complaining last week when “only” a third of Dallas’ offense went through him in their loss to the Redskins, Owens engaged in a cryptic quasi-religious soliloquy before slinking sulkily off the stage. “God has chosen me to be the vessel of his glory. I’m so depressed. Where are those sleeping pills? God made me wear a yellow gingham shirt with fruity epaulets.”

I didn’t watch much of the ESPN News talking heads take on Owens comments, but I did hear Jeremy Green say that T.O. “said the right things.” Jeremy Green, I don’t know you and I can’t recall that I’ve ever even heard of you before now, but here’s a little gratis career advice in case the whole broadcasting thing doesn’t work out: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS!!!