Terrell Owens is looking fierce, yall.

[ TMZ via The 700 Level ]

HAHAHA!  Get it?  Not Dolphins the AFC East rivals but dolphins the marine mammals!  LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!1

People, we need to band together and stop paying attention to T.O.  And by “band together” I mean “collectively raise $25,000,” and by “stop paying attention to T.O.” I mean “use that money to hire a professional to make it look like an accident.”  Because at this point I’d almost prefer a story about Favre.

…dying.  A story about Brett Favre dying.

Firstly let me say that I incorrectly assumed that this show was a half hour. I’ve made a huge mistake. Continue after the jump for highlights of some of the most worthless television programming I’ve ever seen.

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I had no idea TO was an alpaca.

Tonight marks the debut of VH1′s The T.O. Show, which promises to offer a more intimate look at Terrell Owens with the help of his co-stars Monique Jackson and Kita Williams. The two publicists share the unenviable task of trying to humanize the NFL’s preeminent diva as he searches for love, happiness, and a place to live in the vast wasteland that is Buffalo.

As much as I want to dismiss the show as more tripe from an obnoxious personality and an unwatchable network I maintain a slight sliver of hope that this could be worthwhile. How long it takes them to quash that hope is anyone’s guess.

Consider this an open-thread to discuss the episode. I’ll post my running commentary in the morning, assuming I don’t swallow a bottle of hydrocodone to numb my disappointment.

In other TO news, guess who has a new cereal? That’s right, now you can start your day with a big bowl of TO’s (“Flesh-Eating Bacteria In Every Box!”), the most generic Buffalo Bill endorsed cereal since Flutie Flakes!

Other programming note of interest: Tonight is the season finale of Spike TV’s 4th and Long hosted by Michael Irvin. I’d make a joke about being all excited to find which player will win the honor of being cut by the Cowboys after the second day of training camp, but Ufford beat me to it.

Most people didn’t think there’d be a huge reception for Terrell Owens when he got to Buffalo, but most people don’t realize that the airport doubles as the coolest hangout spot in town. And so there were legions of sad, sad Bills fans there to greet their newest 35-year-old clubhouse cancer, who brought a VH1 crew in tow to capture the whoops of the downtrodden for T.O.’s upcoming reality show.

Mayor Byron Brown later presented Owens with a key to the city, though hopefully it doesn’t work on medicine cabinets because there have been some issues with the pills.

Video of his airport arrival is after the jump because it’s one of those annoying ones that starts automatically.

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TO raises awareness about something other than TO. Terrell Eldorado Owens is scheduled to be honored tonight by the National Alzheimer’s Association at the National Building Museum in Washington DC. The proud new Bill will be receiving the NAA’s Young Champions Award, but seeing as how the event is taking place in Washington he’s expected to short-arm the award and get to the ground as fast as he can.

Twitter is a hot white piece of Internet ephemera, one that in less than two year’s time we’ll look back at and snicker that we ever bothered with it in the first place, like Am I Hot or Not? or Kissing Suzy Kolber. But for the time being, it’s a limitless wellspring of comedic possibilities. And so we present recent a snapshot taken from Terrell Owen’s feed, discovered in the Farkian badlands by the inimitable LSUFreek. No doubt Drew Rosenhaus’ feed is “Next question” over and over again. One-note jokes are good like that.

/awaiting iTwitter shirts

Eldorado out in Dallas. After lots of talk the Cowboys have finally released Terrell Owens. That thing you smell is Dan Snyder, who voided his bowels in all the excitement. Poor Sarge, he’ll be cleaning that up all morning. Needless to say, the watch is on. Update: Thank God.

The resurrection of the Sex Cannon wasn’t the only whiff of nostalgia in the air yesterday. After the Cowboys’ latest humiliating defeat, we were treated to something we had assumed had gone the way of the passenger pigeon or Keith Olbermann’s sense of humility: Terrell Classic.

See how skillfully Terrell belabors the fact that he isn’t going to give his opinion, and then deftly solicits quarterbacking from the assembled media. Crafty! My mother-in-law is a black-belt in passive-aggressive behavior, but she could learn some tricks from ol’ 81.

This is the T.O. of old– not the ODing, blubbering, admonisher-of-popcorn-preparation Terrell we’ve seen since he joined the Cowboys. No, this is the sulking egomaniac we remember from S.F. and Philly– the one who wouldn’t think twice to openly question the heart (and/or sexuality) of his quarterback. Welcome back, old friend. We missed you.

[ thx to Xmas Ape for clip ]

Apparently Terrell Owens is so narcissistic that he cannot enjoy being a crucial part of a much-closer-than-expected victory over the visiting Bengals. Owens was spotted late in the game conspicuously gesturing “two” as in the number of receptions he had for the entire game. But the bitch-and-moan didn’t stop there. Check out his bizarre post game comments….

“I’m not going to answer too many questions. And by that I mean none.”

After complaining last week when “only” a third of Dallas’ offense went through him in their loss to the Redskins, Owens engaged in a cryptic quasi-religious soliloquy before slinking sulkily off the stage. “God has chosen me to be the vessel of his glory. I’m so depressed. Where are those sleeping pills? God made me wear a yellow gingham shirt with fruity epaulets.”

I didn’t watch much of the ESPN News talking heads take on Owens comments, but I did hear Jeremy Green say that T.O. “said the right things.” Jeremy Green, I don’t know you and I can’t recall that I’ve ever even heard of you before now, but here’s a little gratis career advice in case the whole broadcasting thing doesn’t work out: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS!!!