The resurrection of the Sex Cannon wasn’t the only whiff of nostalgia in the air yesterday. After the Cowboys’ latest humiliating defeat, we were treated to something we had assumed had gone the way of the passenger pigeon or Keith Olbermann’s sense of humility: Terrell Classic.

See how skillfully Terrell belabors the fact that he isn’t going to give his opinion, and then deftly solicits quarterbacking from the assembled media. Crafty! My mother-in-law is a black-belt in passive-aggressive behavior, but she could learn some tricks from ol’ 81.

This is the T.O. of old– not the ODing, blubbering, admonisher-of-popcorn-preparation Terrell we’ve seen since he joined the Cowboys. No, this is the sulking egomaniac we remember from S.F. and Philly– the one who wouldn’t think twice to openly question the heart (and/or sexuality) of his quarterback. Welcome back, old friend. We missed you.

[ thx to Xmas Ape for clip ]

Apparently Terrell Owens is so narcissistic that he cannot enjoy being a crucial part of a much-closer-than-expected victory over the visiting Bengals. Owens was spotted late in the game conspicuously gesturing “two” as in the number of receptions he had for the entire game. But the bitch-and-moan didn’t stop there. Check out his bizarre post game comments….

“I’m not going to answer too many questions. And by that I mean none.”

After complaining last week when “only” a third of Dallas’ offense went through him in their loss to the Redskins, Owens engaged in a cryptic quasi-religious soliloquy before slinking sulkily off the stage. “God has chosen me to be the vessel of his glory. I’m so depressed. Where are those sleeping pills? God made me wear a yellow gingham shirt with fruity epaulets.”

I didn’t watch much of the ESPN News talking heads take on Owens comments, but I did hear Jeremy Green say that T.O. “said the right things.” Jeremy Green, I don’t know you and I can’t recall that I’ve ever even heard of you before now, but here’s a little gratis career advice in case the whole broadcasting thing doesn’t work out: STAY THE FUCK OUT OF PUBLIC RELATIONS!!!

I mean that’s a hail-damaged ass and all, but why is T.O. looking at the dude?

TheDirty.com reports that Terrell Owens has a cameo appearance in a hardcore porn spread (NSFW, dumbass) on BangBros.com. We aren’t 100 percent convinced this is legit, but it could be the start of a new career arc. Start out as the lowly Smiling Bystander, move up the ranks to Surprised Delivery Boy and sooner or later he could be pulling in major roles like Open-Minded Professor or Athlete Plowing Cougar in Locker Room.

NFC No. 1 Seed: Dallas Cowboys (13-3)

Hello? Yes, this is Terr… [disguises voice] this is Dr. Arthur Honeycake, Mr. Owens’ personal physician….yes, Mr. Owens has a sprain in his ankle and it’s very bad…and I’m afraid he won’t be able to play Sunday…well, we’re not exactly sure how the sprain got in there…yes it’s….OH WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN “YOU KNEW IT WAS ME?” Y’ALL DIDN’T KNOW SHIT. Fuckin shit, man. [Hangs up and dresses for practice]

Aaaahhhh! Oooh, oh, it hurts so much! Me so tender. I’m limping! Look at me limp! Hey, y’all come get some limp footage. Get that shit while it’s hot. Aw, damn, I’m in so much pain! I can’t practice on this thing, man. Shit, no. Ain’t no damn way I can play on Sunday.

What’s that? You want me to jog some? Sure, man, I can jog for days. Ooh, ooh. Little jolt there. Now, wait, that’s not so bad. Wow, this ankle’s starting to feel pretty good. Couple days of this and I’m gonna be alright. Yeah, man, come Sunday, my shit’s gonna be good to go.

AAAHHAAHHHHH, FUCKING SHIT! I just stepped on a goddamn turtle! TRAINER! NEED ME A TRAINER RIGHT DAMN NOW! Man, who’s letting turtles into practice, man? He from the gotdamn Morning Star or what the fuck. No no no don’t touch it don’t touch IT AAAAAHHHHHH OH SWEET FUCKER TO ALL HELL LISA LOPEZ!! MMMmmMpphh, shiiiiiitttt! That’s it, man. I’m done. Ain’t no way I can go against the Giants, man. Forget it.

What you doin? What, you taping that shit up? Wow, you’re using a lot of tape on me there. I think I’m getting…wait…yes, I’m definitely getting a boost of self-esteem from all this attention. Wow, I feel the need to repay this organization in some way. Guess what, baby! I’m playing on Sunday! Getcha popcorn ready!

Game Day

[drops pass]

Aw, shit, man.