Vince “Right now I’m just focused on football” Young joined Nelly on stage as the host of a Smash the Mic event where he was repping Houston and supporting his boy Willie D who was recently locked up on federal fraud charges. Then, in a move that is sure to get the quarterback back in the good graces of Jeff Fisher, he decided to make it rain (just a few drops) all over the the ladies in the front row.

Thanks to the folks at You Been Blinded who have additional video of the show.

JEFF FISHER: Come in. Oh, hello Vince.

[VINCE YOUNG walks in]

JEFF FISHER: Have a seat. How has the first mini-camp of the season been for you?

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t seen any improvement in your decision-making in the pocket, Vince. If you want me to open up the quarterback job to competition this fall, you’re gonna have to play a lot smarter out there.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: Go through your progressions. Learn to evaluate what’s in front of you. And then make your decision and don’t back down from it. Don’t half-ass it out there. See it through to the end. That’s what you need to work on in practice today.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: You alright, Vince? You seem a little distant today. Is something going on?

VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, coach, actually, there is something going on. Because today [reaches into back pocket, pulls out an NFL logo cap] I AM DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BABY! WOOO! SO FORGET ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! FORGET TENNESSEE! FORGET YO’ SHITASS MUSTACHE! FORGET ALL THESE DRIVERS THAT DON’T PULL INTO THE INTERSECTION MAKING LEFT-HAND TURNS! I’M GOING TO THE DRAFT, BITCH! AND WHEN I’M THROUGH, I’LL BE MILLIONS, WHITE MAN! FUCKIN’ MILLIONS! WOOO! AW YEAH! WOOO!

JEFF FISHER: [Looks at the floor, rubs chin] Really?

VINCE YOUNG: That’s right, sucka! I’m going to the Draft!

JEFF FISHER: [Purses lips, still avoids eye contact] Well, uhhh, I hate to see you go, Vince. But uhh, before you send off, let’s bring Mike in here for a second and, uhh [Looks at the floor, rubs chin, picks up phone] Yeah, Mike, can you come into my office please? I’m here with Vince. Thanks.

VINCE YOUNG: Yo let’s go! Hurry this shit up! I gotta get to the Draft right now, man!

Titans Offensive Coordinator MIKE HEIMERDINGER: You wanted to see me, Jeff?

JEFF FISHER: Come on in, Mike. Close the door. Now Vince. Tell Mike what you just told me.

VINCE YOUNG: YEAH, CHECK THIS SHIT OUT! I’M GOING TO THE 2009 NFL DRAFT, BITCH! I’M THROUGH WITH THIS DAMN TEAM! I’M THROUGH WITH ALL THESE JESUS FAGGOTS WANTIN’ TO KNOW WHERE I GO TO CHURCH! I’M SICK OF ALL THIS SHIT! SO I’M DECLARING MYSELF ELIGIBLE FOR THE DRAFT! MOTHERFUCKER!

[MIKE HEIMERDINGER looks at JEFF FISHER, dumbstruck]

JEFF FISHER: Mike, I think it would be a classy move…on our part…to wish Vince good luck, and thank him for his service to the Titans. The…the NFL Titans.

MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, yes. Of course. Vince, we wish nothing but the best for you…and your new NFL career. [stifles giggling]

VINCE YOUNG: Thank you. I really appreciate it.

[KERRY COLLINS opens the door, sounds very Keanu Reeves-ish]

KERRY COLLINS: Hey Coach, today can we do gin and then save the whiskey for–
[looks around the room] Oh, am I late for a meeting or something? You alright Coach Mike? Your face is all red.

JEFF FISHER: Sit down, Kerry, and close the door. Now Vince. Tell Kerry what you just told me.

VINCE YOUNG: The Draft, man…I’m blowin’ off all you crackers and goin’ to the draft.

KERRY COLLINS: What? What do you mean?

VINCE YOUNG: I SAID I’M DECLARING ELIGIBLE FOR THE MOTHERFUCKIN’ DRAFT, HONKY! I’M TIRED OF YOUR MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPES AND HOUSES WITHOUT BASEMENTS! FUCK THIS SHIT! ALL THIS SHIT! I’M GOING TO THE NFL DRAFT AND MAKING MILLIONS!

KERRY COLLINS: Oh, that’s awesome man. Good luck and all that.

VINCE YOUNG: Fuck you.

KERRY COLLINS: Yeah, it’s cool.

JEFF FISHER: Now Vince, you’ve filed all your paperwork…your Draft paperwork…with the League, right?

VINCE YOUNG: Yeah, I had my agent do it. In fact, I should finish cleaning out my locker and get my phone. He’ll probably want to reach me after he calls them.

MIKE HEIMERDINGER: [covering mouth with both hands] Oh, God, I think I’m gonna die! This is too much! Too much!

KERRY COLLINS: It’s okay, coach. We’ll find another overpaid backup quarterback. But coach? I thought only college players could enter the Draft.

VINCE YOUNG: What?

JEFF FISHER: GODDAMN IT KERRY! YOU RUINED IT!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! OH GOD I JUST PISSED MYSELF! HAHAHA!

VINCE YOUNG: No, I’m eligible! I’m declaring myself eligible!

JEFF FISHER: How the fuck you think you got on this team, Vince? Besides, the draft was last week. Now go get ready for practice. Both of you. [KERRY and VINCE leave] Well, Coach. Looks like you owe me a new couch.

MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Totally worth it. I haven’t laughed that hard in years.

JEFF FISHER: How dumb could one guy be? Did he think he could just put on a hat and someone would just drop a bag of money on him? That doesn’t happen with guys that have actually played in this League.

MIKE HEIMERDINGER: Well, we did let Albert Haynesworth go. That was pretty fuckin’ stupid.

JEFF FISHER: Oh, shut up.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Vince Young: You know, it’s been hard for me to come to grips with it, but I’m happy for what you’ve done with this team. I’m a competitive dude and I’d love to be out there on that field with a chance to shine on the big stage. But the time was right for you, man. I give you a lot of credit sticking around as long as you have.

Kerry Collins: …

Vince: I mean, who knows what’s gonna happen? Maybe you’ll win it for us this year and you’ll ride off a champ. Maybe even if you win, you stick around for a few years. Either way, you’ve shown me I’ll get mine once the time is right.

Kerry: …

Vince: Yo, man. Something wrong?

Kerry: There ain’t a stiff enough drink to deal with you flapping your big ugly fucking jumbo tar baby lips.

Vince: The fuck you just say to me? Fuck you, you racist piece of shit. I dare you to say that again. I fucking dare you.

Kerry: And if I catch you and your jigaboo friends trying to get that bandwagon fuckwit Snoop Dogg to do a Super Bowl song for us, I’ll get my gun out of my special locker room and spray your meager shit-for-brains all over the walls and play with it.

Vince: Mike, you hearing this shit? This guy is just fucking off.

Mike Heimerdinger: Not my purview, Vince.

Vince: Not your purview? YOU’RE A COACH. Do something before I break my foot off in his ass.

Heimerdinger: You’ll have to take it up with Fisher.

Vince: Coach! Man, you got to hear what Kerry just said to me. He said -

Jeff Fisher: I know, Vince, I know. I believe you. Kerry uses racial epithets. LenDale is a gloating cockhog of a situational running back. Chris Johnson is a high-stepping little shit, too. Haynesworth stomps on people. Vanden Bosch has three servers full of kiddie porn at the team headquarters. Courtland Finnegan kicks pregnant women for his jollies. Rob Bironas plowed my wife. THE KICKER! And I go randomly skydive rather than prepare for opponents.

And you know what? That’s the way it’s going to be. ‘CAUSE. I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FLYING. FUCK.

[Pumps fist]

You know how long I’ve been coaching this goddamn team? Do you? 14 of the most miserable years of my fucking life. I took over when the team was in Houston, back before Bud Adams moved the Oilers and their history to this backwater, pissant, podunk, shitheap in the shadow of Dollywood. People hate the Colts for their skipping town, but at least Indy stole the history of someone who actually did something and not the fucking Oilers.

The only reason people don’t call me a choker is because no one gives a shit about Tennessee. And they shouldn’t. I don’t give a shit about Tennessee. That’s why I respect Kerry. He’s just hanging on for that ring, doing what he has to. That’s gonna make all this bullshit worthwhile. After that, you, Tennessee, the NFL — you can have coaches that are interested in being classy. I tried that shit. Being classy and $5 will buy you a poke with your mom.

So, why don’t you sit your prima-donna, score-of-8-on-the-Wonderlic, bust-of-a-first-round-pick, suicide-hotline-code-blue, dipshit-sidearm-delivery ass on the bench and maybe YOU might get a ring too for being nothing but a drain on my goddamn time.

Vince: …

Can I at least take my shirt off?

Fisher: …

Fine.

Keith Bulluck: It takes real leadership to head a stalwart defense like this. It takes fighting with your teammates on the field with conviction. And if anyone needs Cortland Finnegan, depending on his spatial skills and his aptitude for fighting bears, he should be back in three to four days.

Kyle Vanden Bosch: Yeah I can’t tell you how great it is to finally – Argh, my groin!

Lendale White: [Rack of lamb hanging out of mouth] Mhmmarph mmmrom gglggrraaa haaapppon mmmonnfff ooogggon Kansas City.

Jeff Fisher: Hey, hey. I don’t want to hear one bit of that. That’s the same Kansas City team that knocked off a then-beaten Broncos club a few weeks back. We got two weeks to prepare for this game and we got to take it seriously. [Pumps fist]

Kerry Collins: [Mimics farting sound] Haaaaaaaaaaaa! That never gets old. Used to use that one to break up the tension in the Panthers’ locker room after I called all my teammates shiftless negroids.

So when’re we gonna start getting a little sloppy in here? Held onto to some wicked shit from our trip to Baltimore. C’mon! Let’s crank it up!

Vince Young: [Quietly, but shirtlessly, picks the petals off a flower and lets them slowly drift to the ground]

Jeff Fisher: Easy. Eeeeeeasy. Like I said, 5-0 is a fine start, but we got unfinished business to attend to, am I right?

[Leads team in fist pumping]

Chris Johnson:Yeah! I got a touchdown vulture to shed!

Rob Bironas: I still have to kill The Knack and Chris Berman!

Bo Scaife: As a member of the Titans’ offense, I’m completely at the beck and call of the defense. We got a first down, you guys. That’s an extra three plays of rest you got. And people say this team is one-sided.

Lendale: Coogonk Taaromn Oooonmmg Erreeeof Playoffs!

Collins: I tell ya, I love you dumb excitable tar babies with all of my bourbon-stained heart.

[Keith Bulluck fist pumps him in the kidney]

The Titans are always at the leading edge of innovation in the NFL. For example, on Monday they just installed lights on one of the three fields at their training facility. Lights! The kind that run on some sorcery called el-ek-tris-soty. Sounds evil, but it grants them the ability to run drills at night without the use of a bordering phalanx of druids holding votive candles. Those druids are threatening to unionize, you know.

Here are some other additions the Titans eventually hope to add to training camp:

The forward pass.

Coach’s loudspeaker that operates on fist-pumping

I would like to take a moment to address the criticism made by some of the members of the media directed at this organization’s decision not to take a receiver until the 4th round this past weekend.

Frankly, we feel as though we have a solid but unheralded receiving corps that is capable of accomplishing great things if given greater time to congeal as a unit. That talent coupled with the recent acquisition of Pro Bowl tight end Alge Crumpler has us in a position where we feel like we have already taken the next step from playoff team to Super Bowl contender.

[Door flies open]

Vince Young: AAAAAAHHHHHHH Fuck! I’m on fire! AH AAAAHH AAAAAAAHHH

Fisher: Hello Vince.

Reporter: Coach Fisher! Does Vince Young being in a state of combustion affect the strategy of this team going forward?

Fisher: We have integrated the fire into our larger off-season strategy, but whether we will acquire the means to extinguish it depends largely on cap room and the availability of fire safety equipment on the free agent market.

In fact, I have just been made aware that the Tennessee Titans have just acquired an undrafted wet nap to address the situation.

[Tosses wet nap on Young to no noticeable effect]

Reporter: Will that be enough? The smell of burning flesh is getting to be pronounced.

Fisher: The moisture from the wet nap will extinguish the fire.

Reporter: Are you sure?

Fisher: Well, either that or the fire will just burn out. There’s not much around here to keep it going.

Young: Ohmigod! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HELP MEEEEEEEE!

Reporter: Won’t Young be dead by the time the fire burns out on its own?

Fisher: That is a possibility, but we really can’t entertain speculation at this point. We’ll assess our quarterback situation once the fire goes out and make the necessary adjustments.

Thank you.

[Pumps fist and walks off]