Tard helmet, now in team colors.

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.

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Vince “Right now I’m just focused on football” Young joined Nelly on stage as the host of a Smash the Mic event where he was repping Houston and supporting his boy Willie D who was recently locked up on federal fraud charges. Then, in a move that is sure to get the quarterback back in the good graces of Jeff Fisher, he decided to make it rain (just a few drops) all over the the ladies in the front row.

Thanks to the folks at You Been Blinded who have additional video of the show.

[PRESENT DAY. Tennessee Titans head coach JEFF FISHER is sitting in his office reading something. He hears a knock at the door]

JEFF FISHER: Come in. Oh, hello Vince.

[VINCE YOUNG walks in]

JEFF FISHER: Have a seat. How has the first mini-camp of the season been for you?

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: I’ve been meaning to tell you that I haven’t seen any improvement in your decision-making in the pocket, Vince. If you want me to open up the quarterback job to competition this fall, you’re gonna have to play a lot smarter out there.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: Go through your progressions. Learn to evaluate what’s in front of you. And then make your decision and don’t back down from it. Don’t half-ass it out there. See it through to the end. That’s what you need to work on in practice today.

VINCE YOUNG: Fine.

JEFF FISHER: You alright, Vince? You seem a little distant today. Is something going on? (more…)

TITANS INK SPAWN OF MORTENSEN. In a story fittingly reported by someone other than ESPN, the Titans have signed Chris Mortensen’s son, quarterback Alex Mortensen, who will undoubtedly be beaten out for a practice squad gig by Jay Glazer’s daughter, Adam Schefter’s dog and Internet Reports III. Had only the Titans held onto Chris Simms, they could have had the offspring of everyone ruining football on TV. [PFT]

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Vince Young: You know, it’s been hard for me to come to grips with it, but I’m happy for what you’ve done with this team. I’m a competitive dude and I’d love to be out there on that field with a chance to shine on the big stage. But the time was right for you, man. I give you a lot of credit sticking around as long as you have.

Kerry Collins: …

Vince: I mean, who knows what’s gonna happen? Maybe you’ll win it for us this year and you’ll ride off a champ. Maybe even if you win, you stick around for a few years. Either way, you’ve shown me I’ll get mine once the time is right.

Kerry: …

Vince: Yo, man. Something wrong?

Kerry: There ain’t a stiff enough drink to deal with you flapping your big ugly fucking jumbo tar baby lips.

Vince: The fuck you just say to me? Fuck you, you racist piece of shit. I dare you to say that again. I fucking dare you.

Kerry: And if I catch you and your jigaboo friends trying to get that bandwagon fuckwit Snoop Dogg to do a Super Bowl song for us, I’ll get my gun out of my special locker room and spray your meager shit-for-brains all over the walls and play with it.

Vince: Mike, you hearing this shit? This guy is just fucking off.

Mike Heimerdinger: Not my purview, Vince.

Vince: Not your purview? YOU’RE A COACH. Do something before I break my foot off in his ass.

Heimerdinger: You’ll have to take it up with Fisher.

Vince: Coach! Man, you got to hear what Kerry just said to me. He said -

Jeff Fisher: I know, Vince, I know. I believe you. Kerry uses racial epithets. LenDale is a gloating cockhog of a situational running back. Chris Johnson is a high-stepping little shit, too. Haynesworth stomps on people. Vanden Bosch has three servers full of kiddie porn at the team headquarters. Courtland Finnegan kicks pregnant women for his jollies. Rob Bironas plowed my wife. THE KICKER! And I go randomly skydive rather than prepare for opponents.

And you know what? That’s the way it’s going to be. ‘CAUSE. I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FLYING. FUCK.

[Pumps fist]

You know how long I’ve been coaching this goddamn team? Do you? 14 of the most miserable years of my fucking life. I took over when the team was in Houston, back before Bud Adams moved the Oilers and their history to this backwater, pissant, podunk, shitheap in the shadow of Dollywood. People hate the Colts for their skipping town, but at least Indy stole the history of someone who actually did something and not the fucking Oilers.

The only reason people don’t call me a choker is because no one gives a shit about Tennessee. And they shouldn’t. I don’t give a shit about Tennessee. That’s why I respect Kerry. He’s just hanging on for that ring, doing what he has to. That’s gonna make all this bullshit worthwhile. After that, you, Tennessee, the NFL — you can have coaches that are interested in being classy. I tried that shit. Being classy and $5 will buy you a poke with your mom.

So, why don’t you sit your prima-donna, score-of-8-on-the-Wonderlic, bust-of-a-first-round-pick, suicide-hotline-code-blue, dipshit-sidearm-delivery ass on the bench and maybe YOU might get a ring too for being nothing but a drain on my goddamn time.

Vince: …

Can I at least take my shirt off?

Fisher: …

Fine.

Keith Bulluck: It takes real leadership to head a stalwart defense like this. It takes fighting with your teammates on the field with conviction. And if anyone needs Cortland Finnegan, depending on his spatial skills and his aptitude for fighting bears, he should be back in three to four days.

Kyle Vanden Bosch: Yeah I can’t tell you how great it is to finally – Argh, my groin!

Lendale White: [Rack of lamb hanging out of mouth] Mhmmarph mmmrom gglggrraaa haaapppon mmmonnfff ooogggon Kansas City.

Jeff Fisher: Hey, hey. I don’t want to hear one bit of that. That’s the same Kansas City team that knocked off a then-beaten Broncos club a few weeks back. We got two weeks to prepare for this game and we got to take it seriously. [Pumps fist]

Kerry Collins: [Mimics farting sound] Haaaaaaaaaaaa! That never gets old. Used to use that one to break up the tension in the Panthers’ locker room after I called all my teammates shiftless negroids.

So when’re we gonna start getting a little sloppy in here? Held onto to some wicked shit from our trip to Baltimore. C’mon! Let’s crank it up!

Vince Young: [Quietly, but shirtlessly, picks the petals off a flower and lets them slowly drift to the ground]

Jeff Fisher: Easy. Eeeeeeasy. Like I said, 5-0 is a fine start, but we got unfinished business to attend to, am I right?

[Leads team in fist pumping]

Chris Johnson:Yeah! I got a touchdown vulture to shed!

Rob Bironas: I still have to kill The Knack and Chris Berman!

Bo Scaife: As a member of the Titans’ offense, I’m completely at the beck and call of the defense. We got a first down, you guys. That’s an extra three plays of rest you got. And people say this team is one-sided.

Lendale: Coogonk Taaromn Oooonmmg Erreeeof Playoffs!

Collins: I tell ya, I love you dumb excitable tar babies with all of my bourbon-stained heart.

[Keith Bulluck fist pumps him in the kidney]

The Titans are always at the leading edge of innovation in the NFL. For example, on Monday they just installed lights on one of the three fields at their training facility. Lights! The kind that run on some sorcery called el-ek-tris-soty. Sounds evil, but it grants them the ability to run drills at night without the use of a bordering phalanx of druids holding votive candles. Those druids are threatening to unionize, you know.

Here are some other additions the Titans eventually hope to add to training camp:

The forward pass.

Coach’s loudspeaker that operates on fist-pumping

I would like to take a moment to address the criticism made by some of the members of the media directed at this organization’s decision not to take a receiver until the 4th round this past weekend.

Frankly, we feel as though we have a solid but unheralded receiving corps that is capable of accomplishing great things if given greater time to congeal as a unit. That talent coupled with the recent acquisition of Pro Bowl tight end Alge Crumpler has us in a position where we feel like we have already taken the next step from playoff team to Super Bowl contender.

[Door flies open]

Vince Young: AAAAAAHHHHHHH Fuck! I’m on fire! AH AAAAHH AAAAAAAHHH

Fisher: Hello Vince.

Reporter: Coach Fisher! Does Vince Young being in a state of combustion affect the strategy of this team going forward?

Fisher: We have integrated the fire into our larger off-season strategy, but whether we will acquire the means to extinguish it depends largely on cap room and the availability of fire safety equipment on the free agent market.

In fact, I have just been made aware that the Tennessee Titans have just acquired an undrafted wet nap to address the situation.

[Tosses wet nap on Young to no noticeable effect]

Reporter: Will that be enough? The smell of burning flesh is getting to be pronounced.

Fisher: The moisture from the wet nap will extinguish the fire.

Reporter: Are you sure?

Fisher: Well, either that or the fire will just burn out. There’s not much around here to keep it going.

Young: Ohmigod! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HELP MEEEEEEEE!

Reporter: Won’t Young be dead by the time the fire burns out on its own?

Fisher: That is a possibility, but we really can’t entertain speculation at this point. We’ll assess our quarterback situation once the fire goes out and make the necessary adjustments.

Thank you.

[Pumps fist and walks off]