Jeff Fisher took over as interim coach of the Houston Oliers in 1994, an era where most of you couldn’t find your penises even while your mothers were still holding them. Today, the announcement comes that Fisher will be leaving the organization now known as the Tennessee Titans. There has been no annoucement whether Fisher is being fired or resigning, so he’s obviously being fired.
That rustling sound you just heard is Vince Young stopping at the ATM on the way to his F*CK YOU JEFF FISHER party.
“To the woodshed, where we film and then watch hours of me beating you.”
I am disappoint. Cortland Finnegan’s horrid corner play cheated us out of yet another display of Manningface. A pity. This could have been the best Manningfacemas ever. But even in victory, there’s never a shortage of Peyton bitching out teammates on the field to let everyone know that something that went wrong wasn’t his fault.
And I hope you didn’t permit children to watch the broadcast (not only because you generally want to limit all exposure to Theismann and Millen) because there were disconcerting signals being committed. Heavens! That could only be more clinically described if they called then unpalatable gesticulations.
Peyton Manning has thrown 11 interceptions in his past three games. That streak of hilarious ineptitude also includes him throwing four in each of his last two games. Should Pey-Pey toss four again tonight, that would make for 12 picks in 12 days. What a daily holiday season confection that would be!
Let’s not spend all our time bagging on Pey-Pey, however. Not when Chris Johnson has a grand total of 75 yards from scrimmage his last two games. What happened to 2,500 rushing yards this season, you dick. But since Indy’s run defense is abysmal and it’s not Rusty Smith under center for the Titans throwing a Manning-like bundle of interceptions, he might actually have a chance to be useful again.
That’s probably an unfair thing to write about a prime time game between two 3-2 clubs, but coming off the Vikings and Jets last Monday, Jacksonville and Tennessee doesn’t quite have the same oomph, you know? There was a slight concern that MJD might not have been able to play because of a wrist injury, but he’s going to be starting tonight, after all. There’s also the issue of what the hell is up with Chris Johnson’s twitching.
I’ve heard from multiple people that this is something Cop Speed has been doing for a while. So it’s chronic nerve damage, then, is it?
So hopefully we’re in store for a nice duel between two of the highest regarded fantasy backs in the league. And if that doesn’t do it for you, there’s the always enthralling side story of How Will Cortland Finnegan Be An Asshole In This Game?
Johnson has nine runs of 50 yards or longer in his career. … He also tied for needing the fourth-fewest games in NFL history to 4,000 yards from scrimmage, reaching that mark in his 32nd career game. … This was Young’s ninth career game with two or more TD passes, and the Titans are 8-1 in those games. … Washington’s TD catch was longer than any reception he had in 2009. … Campbell is 6-5 in the month of September. … An opossum was caught in the stadium near the field about an hour after fans had been cleared out.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the Fat Humps’ fiefdom, the AFC South. Rex Ryan would be interested to know that this division’s champ has led the league in regular season wins each of the last two seasons.
Houston Texans
Key Additions: Neil Rackers, WHERE ELSE IS THERE?
Key Departures: The Sex Cannon, Chris Brown, Kris Brown, three more alternate spellings of that name, Ryan Moats
Five Fast Facts About The Texans:
- Just before he retired, former Bills defensive end Aaron Schobel said if he were to play this season, it would be for the Texans or nobody. Got to go with the name recognition, of course.
- “Snake Dick” Owen Daniels was late to realize that the Texans are more of a wyvern than a chimera.
- Hidden clause in Andre Johnson’s new contract: Hell if I know. It’s hidden.
- Brian Cushing blamed his positive steroid test on overtraining. Aww, that’s no fun. If you’re gonna go total bullshit on us, at least spice it up with some Jeremy London gun-toting-black-people-made-me-do-it details.
- Antwaun Molden sounds like a name a video game company that didn’t have the NFLPA license would use for Anquan Boldin.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins.
Verdict: OVER
You can almost base that designation solely on the games that Kris Brown won’t cost them this season. Then again, a lot of their success could hinge on the running game, which is forced to rely again on gimpy fumbleholic Steve Slaton, now that second-round pick Ben Tate is done for the season. Meanwhile Matt Schaub lost his coordinator and is a constant injury risk. Man, I’m really talking myself out of this, aren’t I?
RECONSIDERED VERDICT: PUSH
Indianapolis Colts
Key Additions: Hmm. Well, they appear to have drafted a few players. However, none of them will be able to provide immediately help on their terrible* O-line.
* – Peyton’s phrasing
Key Departures: Raheem Brock, someone loosely connected to Kendra Wilkinson, Jim Sorgi
Five Fast Facts About The Colts:
- Reggie Wayne wants a contract extension, but negotiations stalled when the team demanded he publicly declare the Tracy Porter pick-six was entirely his fault.
- Eric Foster was a decorated member of the Accused Sexual Assailant Class of 2010. It dealt quite a blow to holier-than-thou fanbases everywhere that the Steelers, Colts and Packers were the three teams represented this offseason.
- Defensive lineman John Gill was earlier this month found by police passed out drunk and shoeless in a ditch. It’s a sad turn for Gill, who is usually so able to feel…touch…and stroke you the right way.
- Pierre Garcon’s season will be cut short when he decides in October to run against Wyclef Jean for the Haitan presidency. Both will be disappointed when they fail to carry the zombie vote.
- Marlon Favorite needs to stop basing his identity on how one type of fish feels about him.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 11 wins.
Verdict: OVER.
We’ll just go ahead and pencil them in for their 12+ wins followed by an agonizing yet completely predictable postseason defeat every year until Peyton retires. Moving along…
Jacksonville Jaguars
Key Additions: Aaron Kampman, Kirk Morrison
Key Departures: Mangled fingered recent retiree Torry Holt, Tra Thomas, John Henderson, Reggie Hayward
Five Fast Facts About The Jaguars:
- Ko Quaye Cowboys is a fine documentary if you ever have the chance to see it.
- The new name for the Jaguars’ stadium is EverBank Field. It may sound like a low-rent sponsor, but they had to scurry when plans were scrapped for TebowTebowTebowTebow Stadium At Tebow Crossing.
- Mike Sims-Walker and the Titans’ Chris Johnson have a signature celebration in Madden 11: “The Chopper City Juke.” As with most unexplainably retarded things in this country, we have the city of Orlando to blame for it.
- Analysts claimed that the Jaguars reached in the 1st round for Tyson Alualu. In response, the Jaguars exclaimed that someone was paying attention to them.
- In the team’s first preseason game, Luke McCown completed a 73-yard touchdown to Troy Williamson. That represents more yards than Williamson has accrued in two seasons in Jacksonville. This meaningless factoid just pushed any other thing you knew about the Jaguars out of your head.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 7 wins.
Verdict: UNDER
Might seem cruel for a team that came into the final four weeks of last season with a 7-5 record. Then again, at that point the Jags hadn’t beaten any team of significance besides the Jets when Mark Sanchez was still in full-on “let’s give away every single game with backbreaking interceptions” mode. And I don’t really see how the team has taken any steps forward since then. But hey, so long as they maintain MJD as a force in the fantasy game, you’re all right with us, future relocated franchise.
Tennessee Titans
So maybe perfect teeth wouldn’t be that much of an improvement.
Key Additions: Chris Simms (solely for the weed connect), Will Witherspoon, Raheem Brock
Five Fast Facts About The Titans:
- Vince Young this offseason progressed from shirtless clubbing to punching people in the club. Next up: inciting ritualistic mass suicide in a club. Yes, I think it’s the year he finally makes the leap.
- LaGarrette Blount and Myron Rolle are currently on the roster. Because you want to punch smarter, not harder.
- is there any offensive starter in the league that actually somewhat frequently touches the ball who is more readily on a fantasy waiver wire than Bo Scaife? I say no.
- It’s a shame they got rid of Nick Harper. With David Thornton and Raheem Brock now on the roster, they could almost have had an older, even crappier version of the ’05 Colts defense.
- Sen’Derrick Marks’ first name was likely the result of a misheard request for his brother to fetch something from the store.
Vegas Over/Under For 2010: 8.5 wins.
Verdict: OVER
They did well enough in the second half of the last season to make me think they’ll improve slightly. However, their defense, already struggling in 2009, lost a few more key components in the offseason. It also doesn’t help that they and Houston are tied for the highest strength of schedule this year (yeah, yeah, that’s based on last season and last season means nothing, but still). If I had to guess, Cop Speed will have a another stellar season, but it’ll be difficult to duplicate what he pulled off last year. But of course, that prediction could swing entirely in other direction if he happens to fall into my lap in a few fantasy drafts.
Days after USC hired Tennessee running back coach Kennedy Pola as its new offensive coordinator, the Titans have filed suit. The lawsuit, filed in a state court in Nashville, accuses USC coach Lane Kiffin of tortious interference with Pola’s contract with the Titans. Earlier, Titans coach Jeff Fisher–a USC alumnus–expressed his frustration with Kiffin’s lack of professionalism in the matter.
While no one can predict how the legal process will play out, here’s exactly what will happen:
First, the Colts had to go back to Baltimore on Sunday, now the former Oilers return to Houston (not to forget the Buzzsaw’s trip to St. Louis). IT’S RELOCATION WEEK! Did Bud Adams take out a full page ad in the sports section to apologize to Houston too? Soon Bud Adams apology revenue will be all there is to keep newspapers afloat. So keep dropping the double deuce on people. FOR JOURNALISM!
No matter how much the Titans want to turn tail and head back to Nashville, Bernard Pollard says YOU STILL GOTTA PLAY THE HOUSTON TEXANS!
Anyway, this is the bastard middle child live blog nudged between Pats-Colts last week and Pats-Saints a week from today. But the Texans are still fighting to stay in the playoff hunt. And Steve Slaton getting the start will have duped enough fantasy owners into playing him again that we will delight in their anguish. The likely Chris Johnson stat line of 180 yards and two touchdowns on 15 carries will provide adequate Meastliness. It’s no madcap Detroit-Cleveland game, but it could be fun. But when’s Vince Young gonna hurry up and implode? He doesn’t even have a negative touchdowns to interceptions ratio! What manner of sorcery is this? No better moment to start the shirtless insanity like a prime time game in his hometown.
It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Romo dumping Jessica Simpson the night before her birthday, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up first, it’s the AFC South, where you’re either winning, you’re mourning Steve McNair or you’re getting busy freebasing.
Vince “Right now I’m just focused on football” Young joined Nelly on stage as the host of a Smash the Mic event where he was repping Houston and supporting his boy Willie D who was recently locked up on federal fraud charges. Then, in a move that is sure to get the quarterback back in the good graces of Jeff Fisher, he decided to make it rain (just a few drops) all over the the ladies in the front row.
Thanks to the folks at You Been Blinded who have additional video of the show.
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