Is this a part of the new software security bundle? Eye-based skin poison to keep away the clingy soccer moms who want to lick my face? Seems like a narrow purpose for such vital liquids. Also, there are no old married women around. The timing is incongruous.

Or could it be?

Could I be expressing…

E

MO

TION?

No, no, that’s not it. Can’t be. I don’t possess human frailty. Weak, STUPID meatbags! I don’t care for them! I won’t care for them! They can’t make me care! My purpose is only to hollow out their loved ones once they’ve entered the bonds of marriage. That’s it! All I’m doing is announcing the discarding of another withered old cog that has outlived his usefulness.

But I still love him like a son. Yes, I love you Cog. Linebacking Cog of mine. Cogy Bruschi.

Uh-uh. I didn’t say that. I didn’t say anything. Mumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumblemumble. Injury report? Whatever. Brady’s shoulder is fine. No reason to put it on the injury report. He’s just another mindless instrument that bends only according to my glorious design. We made a football decision to leave him out of the second half against the Redskins.

Because I care for Tom and didn’t want to see harm come to him.

STOP DOING THAT!

Yes, I taught Cog how to win. I imparted basic techniques that have been found to be directly linked to the production of success on a football field. At no point was there emotional engagement with the subject. Through repetitive drills, I created within his body muscle memory to carry out my schemes. Through extensive psychological torture, I literally broke his mind, then restored it, stronger and more pliable than ever. Where you see empathy, I only see utility. Any perceived bond we had is solely projection on your part. Because you are foolish emotional beings.

And I yearn to be like you.

We’ve got one more: Tedy Bruschi, 100-years-young today, from Boston, Massachusetts. Beantown. Lovely place. Especially in the fall. Love to knock back them brewskis.

Tedy credits his longevity to a complex conglomeration of stroke medication and horse tranquilizers. And his mother’s pulled pork sandwiches. Ask him for the recipe, you gotta try them sometime.

He misses the days when all linebackers were white and you could play well into your 40s. Don’t we all, Tedy, don’t we all.