Old Man: Buy something, will ya?!

Customer: Hmm. Whatcha got here? Couple hundred yards of coaxial cable. Rolltop desk with only one drawer missing. A discarded Twister wheel without the actual Twister mat.

Old Man: Yup. Finest collection in months.

Customer: Say, what’s this big hulking thing? Whoa, it kinda moved!

Old Man: That there’s a Byron Leftwich.

Customer: Huh. [Shakes shoulder pad] He got a lot of mileage on him?

Old Man: Had a few dings in his time, but he can still get the ball out if you give him a few minutes. Look close and you see he even got hisself a Super Bowl ring.

Customer: Oh yeah, so he does. What’s the damage?

Old Man: I’d be willing to part with him for a second round pick.

Customer: [Stifles laughter] You want maybe I throw in my first born?

Old Man: No need for jokes. You want to do business or don’t you?

Customer: Hey, what’s this? He’s got a Steelers jersey right on under this Bucs one. You’re just flipping old rundown QBs, aren’t you?

Old Man: I don’t know how he got that. I tell you, he’s in fine working order. See for yourself.

[Leftwich's arm cheeks back, making rickety sounds like an old wooden roller coaster, followed by a too-hard release to a running back in the flat]

Old Man: Told you. Even if you don’t like him as a QB, being big and rigid, you can dress him up as one of those tobacco shop Indians.

Customer: Still think the price might be a hair too steep. What about this one?

Old Man: Thassa Luke McCown.

Customer: Well, I do already have a Josh McCown. It’d be nice to have the full set. Would bring some cohesion to my practice squad.

Old Man: Tell you what: You take the McCown, I’ll thrown in this Josh Johnson, free of charge.

Customer: Don’t have much use for him, but I suppose I can barter him for a UFL mug. How much?

Old Man: 1st round pick.

Customer: WHAT?

Old Man: You heard me.

Customer: That’s insane. You’ll never get value for that! You – you’re not even trying to sell these things, you withered old packrat.

Old Man: You seen the feller trying to move Tyler Thigpen? I needs to have a word with him.

I’M A FUCKING PIRATE! Kellen Winslow shipped to the Tampa theater of the great NFL war concern in exchange for munitions and draft picks. Who else could replace Jerramy Stevens?

KSK’s quick gun with live blog picture captioning and resident Jeff Garcia fluffer, Grimey, sent on his riff on my lovingly homertastic self-portrait.

Where’s your team logo Fathead, you rank amateur? Did you have to leave it behind when you entered the Witness Relocation Program?

Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.

The Buccaneers commemorated the career of big lumbering white guy Mike Alstott last night with the first sherbet-colored jersey the guy wore as a member of the Bucs. Y’know, the one where they spelled his name incorrectly. Way to let the guy know he was appreciated. Feel free to joke all you want about it, just don’t let Slate catch wind of your hijinx, lest they humorlessly deconstruct why you enjoy something. Hey, Seth Meyers should work there!

[Pic courtesy PFT]

Do you have an athlete who specializes in throwing an oblong ball with speed and precision?

How about just speed? A modicum of precision?

Has the athlete at least played the quarterback position before?

Yes? Okay. Good.

Then:

We, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, will buy your quarterback NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Yes, recent market trends have shown a general depreciation in the quarterback position. However, our crack research team cites a number of economic indicators that suggest that trend will soon reverse itself. Therefore we are consolidating our holdings in the quarterback market with the expectation of reaping large dividends in the near future.

We are willing to pay CASH for your player NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Poor decision making?

WE PAY CASH!

Bad mechanics?

WE PAY CASH!

An undrafted college QB when we already have six other players at that position under contract?

WE. PAY. CASSSSSHHHHH!

REAL CUSTOMER TESTIMONIAL: “The Buccaneers purchased Jake Plummer from me despite his express desire not to play for them. And they did it quick and easy!”

To inquire, please contact the number listed above. Drew Bledsoes need not apply.