Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.

It cost a billion dollars. It will stand for centuries. It will inspire children to grow into succesful adults. It will cure your erectile dysfunction. It will make you a sandwich while you watch reruns of Night Court.

NBC wasn’t satisfied with their preseason mouth-party for the Cowboy’s new stadium, so we get round two tonight. What the networks haven’t figured out yet is that no one outside of fans of Latin America’s team gives a rat’s ass about a new stadium. So prepare yourself for the onslaught of useless information about Jerral Jones’ monument to his own ego. (“Y’know Al, this stadium has enough square footage to hold 4.5 trillion extra-wide magenta neckties. That’s enough to keep Keyshawn Johnson looking like a foppish prick until the sun collapses into a singularity.”)

A crowd of over 100,000 is expected tonight, however most of them will be so far away that the echos of the cheers aren’t expected to reach the field until sometime Tuesday morning. That’s not to say that Dallas won’t enjoy a home-field advantage, as Eli Manning is known to be distracted by shiny objects.

Feel free to put all of your insightful observations in the comments below. Unless, of course, you’d rather spend the evening preparing baked goods.